I hope everyone is having a swell week or at least better than mine.  I also want to thank everyone who sent me links.  Hopefully you remember what you sent because I may have forgotten who sent me what.  And if you have anything you want to see in this feature, shot me an email or a comment....I like comments because it makes me feel special and know that people are reading this blog.

Sometimes common sense isn't all that good.  Here are 5 ways that common sense can lie to you.  Man, now I feel jealous of all those people in school that I made fun of for not having common sense.  I need to write about my Minority Cultures class sometime.

Sometimes there are threats against morality in our country that aren't really threats.  Here are 6 of the most insane threats.  I remember being a religion teacher during the panic of rainbow parties and the campus pastor had us look for kids wearing those jelly bracelets.  Curse you, Oprah!  Apparently Polish politicians are worried that gay elephants pose a threat to the morality of Poland.

Do you want to be happy in your life?  Well here are 5 things that you think may make you happy but won't.  I have to agree, being a genius has gotten me no where.

Have you ever wanted to experience what it is like to go to a barbershop but didn't want to leave your computer?  Well now you can go to the Virtual Barbershop.  It sounds cool with headphones.

A few years ago I applied and was interviewed for a writing position with a Major League Baseball team.  In the interview they asked me if I was a fan of the team and I told them that I was not.  I should have because then I would be a big shot sports writer.  It looks like they hired a 5th grader.

Sex and the Bible is a very touchy subject...no pun intended.  Here is a fun little look at a certain aspect of sexuality in accordance to the Bible and what some people like to do when they listen to the Divynls.  However not all church bodies are into telling people to explore masturbation.  Here is something from the LDS church saying how a person can overcome those temptations.  Oh and if you dislike calling it masturbation here is a list of 1000 other names for the act.

This has become a new favorite blog, much better than FML.  It's I Was an Odd Kid.  I think I could spend so much time on that site relating stories of my life. 

This week's Twitter:  Joey Styles.  I am a casual professional wrestling fan and when I was in high school this guy was one of the best announcers because he was over the top with everything.  "OH MY GOD I THINK HE'S DEAD," was always one of my favorite calls that he made.  Oh and apparently the Republican Party hasn't fully grasped the concept of Twittering responsibly. 

I once talked about how I loved going to my grandfather's leather repair shop because he had pin-ups of Bettie Page and a sundry of other scantily clad females.  Well here are some pin-ups of modern girls.  I have to give a big thank you to that person who sent me this one.

Last week I had a link to HollaDaddy because of his strange comment tactics on myspace.  Well someone sent me some more of his work...here...here...and here.  Thank you!

Have you ever had to do public speaking and you encountered a heckler?  Here is an article about different ways to shoot them down.  Personally I like the Carlin and Galifinakis methods best.

Who knew guessing the amount of jelly beans in a jar could be so profitable?  Easter is such a fun holiday although some people do not refer to this holiday as Easter.  I still think one of the best parts of Easter are Peeps candy and here are Peeps on Parade.  That is some good stuff!

Here's a fun little quiz from Mental Floss: Star Trek Character or Erectile Dysfunction Medicine.

Here is another new blog that I am following: The Customer is Always Right.  My favorite entry is on April 9th when they wrote to the people at Easy Bake Oven and Buffalo Wild Wings.  I did something similar in high school when I lived in the dorm.  Some friends and I wrote to Grandma's Cookies and complained about the quality of the cookies so they sent us a case.  Now that I am a bitter old man, I write to companies that advertise on FOX News and say I am boycotting their products until they pull advertising from that network.  It has worked for some products.

I love when people hijack forums.  I need to get into some serious facebook groups and do stuff like this.

You know how everyone is "Googling," as the kids say, these days.  Well sometimes there are dead end searches on something as great as Google.  Here is a collection of those dead end searches.

Here is another handy blog, How to Beat Up Anything.  They offer some sage advice. 

This week in art...work belonging to an artist that lived in the 20th Century but didn't gain fame for his art is going on sale this week. 

By now you have heard of the wonderful employees that work at Domino's.  I will never eat at Domino's again. 

Have you ever wanted to read the Bible?  How about reading the Bible in LOL Cat language?  Well now you can.  Serious Cat may get upset that I posted his secret.

Japan has given us many wonderful things like a 75 year old porn star and Haiku but not just any haiku...haiku based on Saved by the Bell.

A few posts back, I posted links about Olan Mills family portraits.  This one is the old style portraits with the laser backgrounds.  I don't have any photos like that but if I did, I would share.  Laser Portraits are further proof that the 80s are not as cool as what the modern magazines and TV shows would have you believe.

Want to feel small?  Check out how small Earth is in the galaxy.

The other night I was watching Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job and they played an epic Tennis Match.  I thought I would share its hilarity. 

Have you noticed that there are no ads in Youtube videos?  Well sometimes those ads fail.

You know after reading this story, I now feel my tactic of biting an animal if one attacks me is legitimate.

I saw this on Mancouch and it was sent to me.  I think this is probably one of the best Halloween costumes out there. 

I thought this graph was pretty telling as to how Barack Obama kicks ass.  Too bad it only goes back to McKinley.  That may be telling.  History exam: What was the first war that our nation fought after the Revolutionary War?(This war is sometimes called The First War on Terror)...I feel generous...whoever gets it right will receive a mini.

You know how they are making everything with bacon...Baconaise...Bacon Salt...Ice Cream...Bras?  Well we can now add guns to that list.

There is this blogger out there that answers questions with his cock.  You have to read it to believe it.  Oh and that same blogger is running this thing he calls a Tournament of Randomocity in which he has taken random categories and had his readers vote for which would win.  It's down to the Final Four and he has his cat versus Pink Floyd and Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill versus Super Nintendo in the other match-up.  Strange stuff!

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you enjoyed.

Has it been a week since my last posting?  Dang things are going by rather quickly.  I am feeling better and hopefully it was just some sort of bug that has passed.

Me: Cocky, how has your week been?
Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Me: How is Celine doing these days?
Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
Me: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the deal with 9/11?  What part don't you get?
                                          Conspiracies Abound in Corona
Me: Um...I guess the part about 9/11 that I don't get is how people have used that tragic event as a crutch to promote hate and racist propaganda.  Another thing I don't get is how our country can use that event to rattle sabers to bomb other countries into the 19th Century and that there is no need for diplomacy and the only good government is a democracy.  Didn't the communists try to convert all countries to practice communism?  I don't think that worked all that well.
Cocky:  9/11...it wears the late crown and is a joke in your town?  God bless Public Enemy.  OK, they can't all be jokes...why does 9/11 inspire more anger than sadness?  I doubt there were any brave fowl on those planes but dammit I don't get it.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Did you do your patriotic and Christian duty by attending a Tea Party today?
                                         Patriot in Pasedena
Me:  HAHAHAHAHA...those Tea Parties are bigger jokes than anything Cocky says.
Cocky: Hey, you're the straight man!
Me: I forgot.  First off these people who are protesting the taxes they pay are not to bright because they believe that the taxes they are paying for 2008 are from President Obama's tax code.  They aren't they are from the previous administration and thanks to some of Bush's last acts in office he screwed the middle class by raising tax rates.  Christian....DIDN'T CHRIST SAY "GIVE TO CAESAR WHAT IS CAESAR'S"?  That, sir, is the most idiotic thing I have heard.  Anyone who claims that is a Christian act is the type of person that Christ was constantly combating in the New Testament.  IF you are a Christian you will obey the government and by protesting these taxes, you are protesting and sinning against the God who established this government.  No, you cannot protest.  What, persay, is breaking God's law when paying taxes? 
Cocky: Great...you are going to get so much hate mail and they will take it out on me and I will end up in a stew pot.
Me: Yeah, well if that is the case I will let all those patriotic Christians line up and use your feathers to tar and feather me.
Cocky: Oh and my answer...I don't pay taxes because the services I give to ladies are pro bono.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a single mom raising a 16 year old son.  We are having some renovations done to our house and when I was moving things around in his room, I found some of my sex toys.  He has clearly been using them.  If I confront him, he could freak out and never talk to me again.  If I take them back he may freak out.  What should I do? 
                                         Mortified Over Monkey-business in Minneapolis
Me: I don't want to ask how you know that he has been using your toys.  You are probably going to have to sit him down and discuss this with him.  Maybe if he is trying to discover that end of the spectrum of his sexuality maybe you say he can keep your toy but then you should teach him safe sex toy usage.
Cocky:  My suspicion is that you got swept up in the Barack Obama craze and you went out and bought yourself a Head-o-State dildo.  If that is the case maybe you can assume your little shit...it was shit wasn't it...is just celebrating his love of democracy and the executive branch of government.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Who do you have winning the Stanley Cup?
                                         Hockey Lover in Halifax
Me: The NHL is still in existence?  Oh...yeah...um...I think I would have to go with the Redwings but that may be for devious reasons.  I also like the chances the Washington Capitals have.  It is time that Ovechkin step up and prove to us why he is being called the LeBron James of the NHL.
Cocky: Pittsburgh Penguins and Anaheim Ducks in the finals and I like the Penguins because they are about as flightless as me.  I also want to support the Blackhawks just to piss off the Godfather.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Out of all my friends, I am the only one that supports our president.  Every time I bring up the subject of our president they begin using racist terms to describe him and telling racist jokes not to mention how that one day they believe someone will kill him.  Whenever I try to make a smart reply, I get tongue-tied.  What can I say to make them feel real dumb about what they just said?
                                         Tongue-Tied in Tennessee
Me: It must be difficult living in Tennesse and I applaud your boldness to present your support in the face of racism and short minded thinking. I think you are tongue tied because it's hard to justify reasoning with someone as simple minded as that. I'm sorry you still consider people like this your FRIENDS, not for the difference of opinion but because of the racism. I wouldn't even bother responding to that kind of viewpoint, but time will tell.
Cocky: Tennessee, huh? The next time any of those racist yokels go the simpleton route, you can throw out several phrases: "How many loads of whites do you have to wash after your clan meetings? Is it always just plain white or can you go eggshell?" or "Wow, that was original.
Did you and your sister come up with that after sex one night?" or "Racism is 1950 stupid... elevate your intelligence and we can elevate the debate.
" or you could point out that the reason they felt safe with that ignorant cokehead W in office is because he was smarter than their inbred, nose and banjo picking selves, but the best thing you could do is just tell them that it's a fact that people cannot lick their own elbow, and watch and laugh as they preoccupy themselves for hours trying to do it.

Well that is it for this week.  If you have a question for Cocky and myself you can email me here on Xanga or send Cocky an email shoot one over to advicewithcocky at gmail.com. 

And while I have you captivated make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  It's down to the Final Four, BABY!

The Godfather of Green Bay blogs in front of a live studio audience.

It has been an interesting few days.  I am still somewhat recovering from Easter weekend.  I picked up some sort of bug.  My breathing is all messed up.  I was planning on seeing a doctor today but the one I see was all booked up.  I am just worried that I will have to make up more lies about religious convictions as to why I do not want to receive a blood transfusion if my blood levels aren't where they are supposed to be.  That's life.  So I am seeing all these Tea Parties are planned for tomorrow and they are protesting Obama's tax hikes.  You realize that most of the tax increases that you paid this year are still from the Bush administration?  Shouldn't you go protest outside his ranch in Crawford?  Sometimes people amaze me.

Well I hope you found the motivation to do whatever it is that needs to be done.  Hopefully tomorrow I get to see a doctor and get some good drugs.  I also need to wash my car because I was stupid and left apples on my apple tree and the birds have been going nuts and of course they use my car as a toilet.  Spring is fun...asthma attacks...crapping birds...yard work!  Oh and don't forget to vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.

The Godfather of Green Bay has blogged in front of a live studio audience in the deep dark recesses of his layer. 

The Godfather of Green Bay is brought to you by:

Lik-m-aid Fun Dip...the sand you can eat!

Sorry about not getting this out sooner.  I caught up on sleep this weekend and then deprived myself of sleep Sunday morning.  We had a sunrise service.  It started at 6AM and the sun rose during the service.  Then we eat afterward.  My family ate at the casino and then we sat and visited.  One of my aunts won playing slots and then I cam home and crashed. 

I think Bill O'Reilly has some issues that he needs to deal with.  And just for the fact, I posted those pics a few weeks ago

Who knew Britney Spears hated pot smokers?  Who knew there were pot smokers in Vancouver?

This is supposedly a viral video promoting a new Gary Coleman movie Midgets vs Mascots.  I hope Gary Coleman can get work one of these days.  Maybe he should run for a different political post in California.  He wasn't good enough for governor so maybe he should try state comptroller.

Here is the actual trailer.

Here is the now famous blow up on a radio show from Billy Bob Thornton.  He basically shouts his hate of Canada while on tour in that country.  They ended up "cancelling" the rest of their Canadian tour.  Would you think less of me if I said I owned a Billy Bob Thornton cd?

I had more videos but they aren't working.  Curse you copyright infringements.  Here's the opening montage from Watchmen.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are down to the final four contestants in my Tournament of Randomocity.  It has been a long time since that one night when I dream up this tournament with the help of the Croatian Sensation.  He planted the proverbial seed and I expanded it to a field of 64 random contestants.  It has been quite eventful.  Xanga has seen its fair share of drama since the conception of this tournament but I have persevered.  On to the results and match-ups.

Joining me are my co-author for my Question column, Cocky, notorious Scandinavian gambling legend, Sven the Norwegian, and a prototype of all three of my stalkers.

Coming out of the Animal Bracket is the fuzzy-wuzzy but deadly Cat.  I think my photo of my cat Lua with a gun helped scare people into voting for her.  She really is mean and does carry that thing around the house...fully loaded.

Pink Floyd ran the gambit in the Band Bracket.  I think for most of their match-ups they threw shut-outs.  It's good to see that Floyd is still in the hearts and minds of rock fans.

Beatrix Kiddo decapitated Mark Borchardt in the finals of the Movie Badass Bracket.  She had some near losses however just like in Kill Bill, she came out victorious.

The Random Bracket has the lowest seed in the Final Four.  The #12 seeded Super Nintendo prevailed over Cadbury Mini Eggs.  I didn't think that was possible given this is the time when Cadbury Mini Eggs are on the market but Super Nintendo ate them up and spit them out on the way to the Final Four.

Game 1  #7 Cat vs #1 Pink Floyd

Tournament of Randomocity Final Four Game 1 #7 vs #1
Me: This is a tough match-up.  We have cats, gods on earth to the ancient Egyptians and cats haven't forgotten the worship so they feel that they deserve to be declared the winner.  But Pink Floyd gave us Dark Side of the Moon and do you realize how many stoners have listened to that album while eating Cheetos and watching Wizard of OZ?
Cocky:  I have to go with Pink Floyd here because cats are my natural enemy.  I should swoop in and steal your cat's gun so that it is a fair fight.
Sven: I like to eat da lefsa und da lutefisk whilst watchin' dad Wizard of OZ mit Dark Side sose I gots to pick Pink Floyd.
Stalker:  Even though I am in Iowa this weekend, I still know that you went to the casino and had bacon that you dipped in a chocolate fountain.  I am going to leave chili on your back porch tomorrow.

Game 2 #2 Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill vs #12 Super Nintendo

Tournament of Randomocity Final Four Game 2 #2 vs #12
Me: As a child and even now, Super Nintendo has given me countless hours of entertainment.  However when Kill Bill came out Uma Thurman as Beatrix Kiddo gave me much entertainment in that tight yellow jumpsuit and those sword handling skills...I don't know how this one will go. 
Cocky:  Super Nintendo defeated the last constestant I was rooting for in this tournament.  Being sexist as I am I am going to have to pick Beatrix Kiddo because....wait for it....she's a CHICK!
Sven: Dat Super Nintendo ist da best.  Ise gots da fishin' game and Ise spends hours playin mit mine family and tries to catch dat biggun.  Iffun day had a ice-fishin' game Ise be in da heaven.
Stalker: Reba McEntire....REBA McENTIRE....Jeff Dunham...JEFF DUNHAM...I love Twilight and a vampire is going to marry me or maybe it will be Prince Guko.  I like pizza.

vs

vs

There you have it.  Vote once and vote often.  As of now the polls will remain open until next Saturday and the finals will be announced next Sunday.

Oh and I want some feedback as to whether this was a good idea and if I did another with say, just bands, if you would be interested.

Another week has come and it is time for a celebrity round up.  Stay tuned at the end for some news about a special entry.

Women the world over were quite upset this week when Viggo Mortensen announced his retirement from dick flashing..I mean acting.  Women were upset that they would not be able to see his junk in almost every movie he makes.  Viggo went on to say that he was planning on quitting acting for the music world in particular rap.  He then said APRIL FOOLS!  I knew it all along.  There can be only one Joaquin Phoenix. 

Suri Cruise continues to be the hardest working child in the world.  Tom wants her to be the best at everything so it is rumored that he is spending upwards of $1million on lessons of all sorts for her each year.  She is learning French, Spanish, ballet, tap dance, modern dance, gymnastics, and soccer.  Does she have time to be a kid or even go to the bathroom?  In about ten years Suri will break down and need therapy and mind altering pills...take that L. Ron, you glib bastard!

Do you remember this guy?  If not, he's Sinbad.  It seems like years ago he was really popular.  Well he's popular with the state of California.  They put him on a list of the biggest tax evaders.  See, Sinbad owes the state $2.5 million in back taxes.  You that is sad.  Sinbad has made enough money to owe $2.5million...FML.  Oh and WELS people, he was one of those big church donators but backed out due to economic problems.  Thanks, Sinbad!

A paparazzi snuck onto the set of Iron Man 2 and photographed Robert Downey Jr. sashaying.  I think he stole those shoes from Tom Cruise's closet.  Man, it didn't take long for them to start filming that sequel. 

Thank god, Ricki Lake has found a job after all these years!  She is hosting the third installment of Charm School.  Wait, there's no DJ Lady Tribe?!?!?!?!  Hopefully Ricki will teach the ladies that they should drink shots out of other lady's vaginae(I believe that is the actual plural form at least in the Latin).  You can read more about Charm School here.
 
Pink and Carey Hart are back together.  They broke up last year and apparently he never got over her and even shot a cameo for Pink's song about their break-up.  Well it appears that he is back to shooting something for her. Now that they are back together, who will Lindsay Lohan date after Sam?  More on that later.

Earlier this week, Bill Murray was enjoying a dinner with five of his six sons.  He left the table and headed for the bar when he spotted a Scarlett Johansson lookalike.  Apparently Lost in Translation affected him as well.  He was hitting on the girl but his sons grew restless at the table so he took them and left.  How awful, cockblocked by his own kids.

Billy Corgan showed up with Tila Tequila for the A-List Awards on Bravo.  Apparently they are dating.  WTF!  I think he looks as confused as I am about that unholy union.  Maybe he was just expecting a massage.  Thank god this may mean no more sub-par reality shows.

Without Anna Nicole, what does Bobby Trendy have left to live for?  Oh yeah!  Lady Gaga!  Here is Bobby emulating her fashion style.  You know...when a lot of people hear the term gay marriage, I bet this is what they picture.

You know when I first saw this photo, I thought it was Robin Williams.  No, it's actually what Bono looks like without his sunglasses.  So what is Bono doing?  Is he trying to determine the shrinkage factor or is he trying to dig out that cursed Nobel Peace Prize?

Rumor has it that Brad Pitt has moved out of his house with Angelina Jolie and that their relationship is over.  Brad is also allegedly trying to get custody of all six of their children.  This story has to be false because what guy in their right mind would want sole custody of six kids when three aren't even his. 

Here's a little something for the steroid freaks.  Carrot Top appeared at the Country Music Awards last weekend.  I have yet to figure out his connection to country music.  Maybe he is trying to be the poor man's prop comic/steroid addicted/ Larry the Cable Guy.


BAM!  Guess the ass!  Side out, Kim Kardashian, advantage, Serena Williams.....LOVE!  Oh, it's Serena Williams, I suck at tennis jargon.

So Fall Out Boy is back touring and Pete Wentz was living it up while Ashlee was at home taking care of Bronx Mowgli and Twittering about how much she loved staying home.  Maybe Ashlee was happy to see him out and about and living with strippers instead of locking himself in their bathroom and doing god knows what with his eyeliner and flat iron.

Since Lent is over, here's a Mickey Rourke story.  Bai Ling denied that she and Mickey were an item.  Man, that is harsh.  She usually admits to screwing everything but the kitchen sink.  Maybe she was put off by Mickey's appearance at Wrestlemania.  I wish I could get that footage but it was a Pay Per View.  Bai Ling went on to say that she wouldn't have sex with Rourke because she isn't a whore.  So what do you call a topless masseuse?

Courtney Love was spotted running around Beverly Hills this week going from bank to bank and screaming, "Where's my money?"  Apparently she is broke and is facing foreclosure on her numerous properties.  Hey, Courtney, I know where your money went...in your veins and up your nose.

Demi Moore's children are embarrassed by their mother.  They want her to grow up because of her recent actions on Twitter such as posting a fake suicide attempt and allowing Ashton to post a photo of her ass on the site.  You know, I have had my issues with Ashton Kutcher in the past but those kids should be thankful that she married someone with a sense of humor.  She could have married Dane Cook and the only humor he has is stolen.

Farah Fawcett was hospitalized earlier this week because of a flare up with her cancer.  She had been in Germany seeking alternative treatments with stem cells.  Thankfully this was just a set back in her fight with rectal cancer.  She was released from the hospital today.  Let's send her some nice thoughts and she will always look like this to me. 

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 83rd birthday this week.  Hef celebrated in awkward fashion by groping his new girlfriend.  The only way an 83 year old should be touching a girl like that is if his first name is Doctor. 

This is Jackie Earl Haley.  You may not recognize his face.  His latest movie he wears a mask and then the movie in which I know him best was when he was a kid.  Anyway he has been cast to play Freddie Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  In case you didn't know who he is, he played Kelly in the original Bad News Bears and he was Rorsharch in Watchmen.  He was also in a movie called Little Children and after watching that I think that they did a good job casting him as Freddie Krueger.

Hey, y'all!  Jamie Lynn Spears is legal!  She celebrated her 18th birthday by shopping at the local Walmart.  Do people really do that?  "Hey, I just turned a pivotal age in my life so why not go to Walmart."  I just realized something.  She's 18 and has more kids than I do and has had more failed weddings than I have had...FML.

Here we see Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey leaving a restaurant.  No, I will not make such juvenile comments as, "How was your trip," or "Is your favorite season fall".  No, I am above that.  What I want to know is how long has it been since she started to look like Jim Carrey's character in The Mask. 

With Jessica Simpson holding her, the baby is ruined that her future career has been ruined.  Jessica is no longer a country singing sensation.  She was only on loan to the Sony Nashville record label and due to poor sales they don't want to have anything to do with her anymore.  Looks like Jessica is going to have to fall back on her acting career with all those straight to DVD features she makes.

Jonah Hill is giving all us fat guys hope.  Wow, I think he has gotten bigger and I am not talking about his fame level.

This is Kanye West's reaction to the recent South Park episode that was about him.  Snap!  It's in ALL CAPS!!!  Bitches better recognize!  He says he wants to control his ego, if he did that, Kanye would cease to exist.  I bet some of you didn't know this but because Kanye is such a douche, his blog is sponsored by Summer's Eve.  Oh and if you can view it, here's the South Park episode.  I'd embed it but there is news on that later.

You are staring into the face of death.  Madonna had to return from Malawi without a new child so she is about ready to go on a rampage.  Look at those veins, she is slowly transforming into She-Hulk.  So the judge told Madonna that if she wanted to adopt a children she had to reside in Malawi for 18 months.  Guess what Madonna did today?  If you guess bought land and began construction on a house, you guessed correctly.  It must be nice to have money.

Speaking of She-Hulk, Megan Fox has been cast to play her in a movie adaptation.  Brooke Hogan must have been busy and of course Madonna is moving to Malawi.  The films producers said they wanted to make She-Hulk as sexy as can be.  Oh so that is why they aren't casting Brooke or Madonna.

Miley Cyrus told reporters that despite being 16 years old she still likes to crawl into bed and sleep with her parents.  I think I have readers with children that age, would you let your children sleep in your bed with you and your spouse?  She's 16 and dating a 20+ year old male model but she says that there is nothing like crawling into bed and cuddling with her mom because it just feels right.  So why not Billy Ray?  Possibly because Miley had to leave her bed because Billy was trying to cuddle with her...wait, maybe we should get the real Miley on Xanga to give us some insight.

Miley also said that her boyfriend has brought her closer to God since they have started dating.  Miley says, "I've never been closer to the Lord since I met him. He's really made me read my Bible. He's made me actually read the stories in the Bible -- not the quick little verses -- that not only help me, but show you how to help other people."  Jut because he makes you scream "OH GOD!" doesn't mean that you are any closer to God.  You know, Miley, Bible studies don't include tearing off shirts and pants, lap dances during hymns, or dousing with water for prayer. 

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are officially broken up.  Lindsay was restrained by police because Sam had a restraining order against Lindsay.  Lindsay found out that they were split when she arrived to Sam's house to find the locks changed.  I am surprised Lindsay couldn't get in with a changed lock.  She finds a hole and takes advantage.  Oddly enough, Sam's tell all book about their relationship will have that as the title.  Part of the restraining order was that Lindsay was putting Sam in danger because of Linds' drug use and cutting.  Sam's mom said that Sam refuses to talk with Lindsay until she gets sober and stops cutting.  Lindsay then took to Twitter and offered this cryptic or drug-induced message: "should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY."  You know, all this stuff would have made Mean Girls enjoyable. 

Sam then went to Twitter and posted this picture of a cake that had powder sugar lines representing coke.  I guess that is supposed to make Lindsay jealous.

Chris Brown was in court this week and he plead not guilty to all charges.  The trial could start at the end of April.  That should be fun to watch.  He was supposedly working on a plea bargain and would have plead not guilty for lesser chargers that would keep Rihanna from testifying.  Something changed and she is all about taking the stand to testify against him.  Uh-oh! 

Amy Winehouse is back in St. Lucia for more "vacation".  I take a look at that poor horse and I can't help but think he has a contact high.

Amy has done pretty much every drug under the sun until this week.  She was walking around St. Lucia and spotted some people drying and smoking banana peels.  Amy has started to smoke dried banana peels as a way to prevent her from doing other drugs.  Um...Amy, trust me, it doesn't work.  Well the banana peels...it's an urban legend.

Britney Spears is back to bumping nasties with ex-husband Kevin Federline.  He has joined her tour and was originally with his girlfriend but K-Fed and Britney got intimate one night and K-Fed's girlfriend caught him with his hand in Britney's cookie jar so apparently she has left him.  You know, K-Fed in Britney's cookie jar...that's an image I need to erase with that vodka I made with skittles. 

My news is that this week is light for celebrity news however there are a few videos I have so I will have a special edition of Celebrity Round Up tomorrow and it will be videos only.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter weekend.

Time for this week's edition of Lukewarm Links. 

A few months ago I was floored when I saw a top blog that was clearly plagiarized.  Everybody was all on that Xangan's jock saying how funny the post was but I knew the dirty little secret.  Anyway plagiarism doesn't exist only in Xanga.  Here are 5 men who built their careers on plagiarism.  The funny thing about #5, when I was in my final semester as a student I had my thesis course and one of the assignments was to present a modern historian to the class.  My roommate and I were assigned to cover #5 and the day after our presentation, he died.  That was sort of creepy.

A while back I posted a amateur homemade rock video.  Here is a collection of 8 unintentionally hilarious amateur music videos.  Oh they are so bad.

Do you like TV?  Here is a list of 10 excellent TV shows that may be cancelled after this season.  I haven't had the opportunity to watch Kings but I have the desire to see it simply because one of my favorite actors is the lead role.  Thank god Friday Night Lights has been renewed for two more seasons.

This is the best belt ever.  I had something similar.  It was a beer bottle opener belt buckle.  I was deliciously white trash and that was the only way I would open my hipster beers, PBR and Grain Belt.

If you have been following my Tournament of Randomocity, the #16 seed in the Movie Badass Bracket has made some noise.  Well I was talking to one of you, my faithful readers, the other night about the documentary which follows his life.  I can't find an embeddable version so here is a direct link to the movie, American Movie. 

The man, the myth, the legend...Mr. Cotton Hill.    He was my favorite character on King of the Hill.

Don't want to feel old?  Then don't go to this tumblr.  It made me feel ancient.

This is somewhat of an interesting blog...if craig posted his ads on random objects instead of on the website craigslist.

I posted a link to an article about incompetent 911 operators.  Well sometimes they get incompetent callers.

I think I have found a new favorite troll on myspace.  I think I should try this on Xanga.

A few weeks back I posted a link about how to make flavored vodka with regular vodka and skittles. This week I will send you to a website that will teach you the intricacies of Jell-O shots.

This website has helped me greatly and so can you!  Seriously, guys, you may want to check this out...ok, girls too.

I was going to do a tattoo update but I thought I would just send you to this site which features tattoos inspired by food.  Seriously, one of these days, I'll be doing a new tattoo entry.

You know if I was a parent, I would only use these for bottles for my children.  Hell, I'd probably use them for myself as well.

Have you ever wondered how long you could last on a gay pirate ship?  Well, by taking this quiz, you can find out how long you would last on a gay pirate ship. 

In my Motivation entry earlier this week there was a picture of some guys bowing down to a Ronald McDonald statue.  Well McDonald's has started taking out those statues and here is photographic evidence as to why they want to lose the statues and appear more hip. 

Here's a fun website.  People take normal snacks and they pimp them by making huge versions of bite sized foods and they include the instructions on how to make them. 

Have you ever read the comments on youtube's videos?  Well some of the insults people throw out are classic.  So here is a random youtube insult generator.

I think playing around with this site while high would be one of those life changing experiences people clamor about. 

This week in Twitter:  thanks to the Venerable one, he has shared with us the Twitters of David Lynch and Eddie Izzard.  I REALLY need to get on Twitter now.

After reading this I am glad I don't live anywhere near Texas.  I guess it is no different than the people at Ellis Island who had to change their names to sound more "American" or the German Americans during World War 1 that changed their surnames to prove their loyalty to the U.S.

In my Celebrity Round Up last week I mentioned about the upcoming Sascha Baron Cohen movie based around his character Bruno.  Well he got Ron Paul and as Rachel Maddow describes the situation, it sounds hilarious.  So why aren't the Ron Paul supporters on Xanga bemoaning this instead of worrying about showing respect to foreign dignitaries?

Here's a funny video showing why so many straight men go gay in L.A.

Last week I posted about Omegle, the new chatting website that matches you with a stranger.  Well hilarity has ensued and this tumblr has some great screen captures of Omegle chat sessions.

Does anyone remember the show The Adventures of Pete and Pete?  I used to watch that show.  One of the actors, Danny Tamberelli, was also on one of my favorite Nick gameshows, Figure It Out, and he has a great facebook page.  Anyway The Adventures of Pete and Pete had the world's most elusive super hero.

This is a classic FML and I have seen it make its rounds on Xanga.  I couldn't resist.  This is exactly why people should know the difference between your and you're.

Game of the week:  Can you vibrate as much as a vibrator? 

Well that is it for this week, if you have any links that you would like to see in entries of this ilk, send them my way.

 It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions.  I am happy to see that after last week's alienation of my female fans, I seem to have their approval of my last post. 

Me: Cocky, what did you think of my last post?
Cocky: Well it was OK.
Me: Just OK?
Cocky: It wasn't like you were strutting around displaying your tail feathers.
Me: Well I don't have any tail feathers to display.
Cocky: That's right the doctors removed those when you were born
Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.

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Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to dispense my knowledge amongst other things.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My two great passions in life are art and science. These are supposedly very divergent fields of human endeavor, but I personally do not think so; I think they are quite complimentary. And yet, the kind of people who gravitate towards these two areas tend to be completely at odds with each other. Now, I have dated an atheistic intellectual as well as a free spirited artistic type and both seemed doomed by design. What kind of "type" might a person like me be searching for, if any?
                                            Dateless in DeSoto
Me: Depending on how passionate you are towards either medium as well as the person you are dating will determine your compatibility. Now, when you say doomed, I take it that either you or that person have let the polarizing differences take over your relationship. It's important to hold onto your beliefs and passions but be able to understand that differences are to be expected in a relationship. As long as you enjoy each other on other levels and are friends first, it doesn't matter what type you find because love truly does end up conquering all.
Cocky: I'm glad you touched on an important danger that will consume the world soon. Artists and Scientists are at odds with each other and a war is looming on the horizon. Beakers will be thrown, canvases flung... the bloodshed and carnage will be overwhelming. All that will be left will be us fowl to peck at the remaining bodies for sustenance as... *ahem.* I say date a Day dancing stripper. They are needy for attention and tend to try anything once.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Are you single? Because I think I love you. I know, that's so wrong, but love conquers all, no?
                                          Curious in Cashton
Me: Love does conquer all except stage four cooties.
Cocky: I tend to make a lot of noise in the morning, that's not an issue is it? If not, I should have my own facebook page soon, so.. you know.. you got a car? I don't. Uh... we'll talk more later.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Why do you need a cock to help you out?  Are you always going to call this column Advice with the Godfather and his Cock?
                                         Stupid in Sparta
Me: What guy doesn't need a cock to help him out of a tough situation?  I did alter the title a little bit because we don't dispense just advice.  I answer questions of all sorts.  What name would you have us go by?  I mean, Hall and Oates is already taken.
Cocky: How about we start going by Cocky and Tubbs as a tribute to Miami Vice?  I mean the Godfather is a tub of lard so his name is fitting.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
As part of my work, I wear a very sharp celice. Modesty forbids telling you where I apply it, but I'm beginning to enjoy it. Does this make me a bad person and can you advise me how to take away the pain but keep the swelling please?
                                         Modest in Melvina
Me: Some people have very interesting jobs that include inflicting pain on themselves for example watch any episode of According to Jim.  Some high strength Advil will help with the pain, but be sure it doesn't have an anti-inflammatory to avoid, uh.. what you find to be the benefits.
Cocky: Why do I get the feeling that "Modesty" is a 7 foot tall German sadomasochist with a gimp outfit and clown mask telling you what to do with a cat o' nine tails? Why would he forbid you to tell me where you where that thing? Swelling includes pain. You can't have love without hate ya' wacko.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My boyfriend's iPod seems to have gone to the crapper.  Not literally but it doesn't work anymore.  Any suggestions?
                                         Frustrated Girl in Fountain City
Me: From what I hear that happens from time to time.  I think they make computers to last only a certain period of time and then you have to replace it, sort of like a car.  At least your boyfriend didn't get a Zune. Go to the iTunes store and do an iPod reading and see if that works.  If it reads it go to restore default settings.  If that doesn't work, he probably has a defective iPod or a corrupted mp3.
Cocky: Are you sure his iPod DIDN'T really go to the crapper? I hear that's how this little Nano's are born. Anywho, the only way to get the iPod working again is to present Steve Jobs with a sacrificial offering. Do NOT even think about using a chicken.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Who do you have winning in baseball this season?
                                          Baseball Fan in Beaver Dam
Me: Well here's how I have it.  Red Sox will win the AL East, Twins will win the AL Central, the Angels will win the AL West and the Yankees will take the Wild Card.  Then in the NL East I see the Mets, Cubs will take the Central, the Dodgers will take the West and the Phillies will win the Wild Card.  I see a Red Sox and Dodgers World Series and the Red Sox being victorious.
Cocky: You have it all wrong.  Baltimore will win the AL East, Cleveland will win the Central, and the A's will take the West and Toronto will win the Wild Card.  In the NL I see Atlanta winning the East, St. Louis winning the Central, and San Diego taking the West. Of course the Cubs will make the playoffs as the wild card but will be swept in the first round.  My World Series will feature Baltimore versus St. Louis with St. Louis winning.
Me: Do you even watch baseball or pay attention?  Baltimore...Toronto...how can you pick those teams?
Cocky:  Orioles and Blue Jays...I support my own.
Me: Yes, how foolish of me.

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

Oh and make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  We are down to the Elite Eight.  Polls will close on Saturday evening
Nobody got the connection in the question asker's names last week so I kept the same theme alive this week.

Girl, i know you said this time of year is bad for you and you are stressing about all the increasing work that you have to do, but, girl, I have one word for you.

Relax.

That's right.  You have to relax otherwise you will cause harm to your hot, little body.  Stress can lead to hair loss and stomach ulcers.  Girl, you don't want that.  So what am I going to do?  I'm going to rock your world.

I will pick you up at a designated time.  You will see an all white Hummer limo in front of your place of residence.  Then when I see the astonished look on your face, I will jump out of the back of the limo.  You will look at me and be shocked because I just bought a new suit at the Men's Warehouse because they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  Girl, your chariot awaits.

I will hold the door open for you.  You will be speechless upon entry.  Your eyes will bulge from your skull as you see the roses, champagne, cognac, and wide variety of juiceboxes.  I will pour you a glass of champagne and myself I will pop a straw into an Ectoplasm Cooler.  You will sip your champagne as we begin your trip to relaxation.

The driver will stop outside the $3 store where everything costs $3 even the laser pointers.  I remember how much you admired my gold necklace that I was wearing the other day.  Girl, I have to come clean.  I bought it here at the $3 Store.  I will buy you anything your heart desires.  What?  You want a Louis Vuitton bag?  Well how about a $3 Store special, the Louis Vooton bag.  Damn, girl, I rented a limo just for you.

The driver will take us to the finest restaurant in town.  You will dine on lobster as I enjoy the complimentary bread rolls and water.  The lobster will satisfy your appetite.  I lean over and whisper that dessert will be served later at my house.

The driver takes us back to my house but before we leave I make you stuff all the champagne, cognac, and juiceboxes in your newly bought Lous Vooton imitation leather bag.  I open the door for you, girl.  We go to my living room and sit on the couch that I bought at Goodwill.  Do you want to play checkers, read poetry, or watch TV?  You opt for the TV.  Girl, for your relaxation I am going to let you operate the remote.  It is in your hand.  You choose what we watch be it The Antiques Roadshow or another needless reality program.  The choice is yours, girl.

While you are settling in watching a program that I do not care for I get your dessert.  Fresh strawberries and chocolate.  I dip the strawberries in the chocolate and feed them to you.  Girl, do you know how difficult this is for me?  I hate strawberries but tonight is all about you. 

After you have had your fill of strawberries and chocolate, you say that you are getting tired and could use a bath.  I lead you by the hand to the penthouse portion of my house or as what some people call the upstairs.  Girl, are you relaxed?  I draw a bath for you and light some candles that I bought at the local candle shop.  They smell like lilacs. 

As you bathe, I am preparing my bedroom for the relaxation that is about to come.  You yell at me because I forgot to lay out a towel...or did I?  I give you one of my newly purchased towels just for your pleasure.  It was a Martha Stewart towel that I bought on clearance at K-Mart.  It is soft and dries you off.

I lead you by the hand into my bedroom.  You see the rose pedals on my bed.  I beckon you to come to me.  I hit the cd player and we are listening to the smooth sound of Pantera but you don't like Pantera.  Well, girl, you pick the music.  You can pick whatever you want.  I have everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.  Girl, you can even pick some classic music because I don't care if it makes you pretentious. 

Marvin Gaye is coming from the speakers.  I take back the bedspread to reveal a new set of red silk sheets that I purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They are the finest of 500 thread count sheets.  I spent painstaking time to count each thread just for you.  The sheets are smooth just like your skin.  As Marvin Gaye sing, "Let's Get it On" I lean in and rock your world.

We do not need to look to the sky for the fireworks that are displayed across the night sky because we are making our own fireworks and if you want later we can go outside to my garage and I will show you my firework collection.  Before you came I stopped at the Firework Depot where everything is buy one get one free.  I am prepared for the Fourth of July.

The strenuous activities make us sleep in.  I wake up while you lay on the smooth silk sheets.  I prepare you a brunch consisting of a variety of fruit, freshly squeezed orange juice, pancakes(some embedded with blueberries and others embedded with chocolate chips), and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  We feast.  You ask why did I make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Why, girl, it's the cheesiest!

Well, girl, I hope you found some relaxation.  If not we can repeat this all over again but without the lobster and the limo.  We are in an economic crisis after all.  No money or product can replace you.  Girl, you are my most cherished possession.

Damn!

Hey, how's everyone doing?  Yeah?  Well that is good to hear.  I have been better.  Yeah, I know.  Well I am out and ready to get back among the living.  Here's your weekly dose of motivation.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope you are motivated and this new-found motivation makes you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  Oh and for some of you, the finest of pancakes embedded with chocolate chips, coffee with two sugars and creamer, orange juice, toast and my array of exotic squeezable jellies await you.