We are down to the Elite Eight.  I am a little behind the NCAA tournament but that is because this tournament is so much better and ESPN didn't pick the winner months ago.  There were some surprises in the last round.  OK, on to the bracket championships and then next week we will have the Final Four.

I'm joined by Cocky, a prototype of my three stalkers and legendary gambler Sven the Norwegian.

Animal Bracket Championship #8 Tiger vs #7 Cat

Animal Bracket Championship #8 vs #7
Me: Cocky, your mighty Eagle fell in the last round. What happened?
Cocky: Pussy always prevails.  I think he was put back on the endangered species list.
Sven:  Dis here wilt be good, ja!  Days gonna be da fur flyin and pussy galore!
Stalker: The cat belongs to godfather.  He has two.  One sniffs my feet when I hide in his kitchen while he sleeps

Band Bracket Championship #1 Pink Floyd vs #3 The Beach Boys

Band Bracket Championship #1 vs #3
Me:  I am truly shocked that the Beach Boys got by The Beatles.  Also, Pink Floyd threw a shut out against Radiohead.  I was truly amazed.  I think this one will be a one sided match because Pink Floyd is a musical juggernaut.
Cocky: Pink Floyd or Beach Boys, I think the Beach Boys would be better because they could get me more of those California girls but the downfall is that so many are vegetarians so they won't eat the meat.
Sven: Dem Pink Floyds, days got dat one album mit my old heiffer Betsy on da cover. 
Stalker: I like Reba McEntire and only Reba oh and Jeff Dunham.  He has little talking people with him.

Movie Badass Bracket Championship #16 Mark Borchardt from American Movie vs #2 Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill

Movie Badass Bracket Championship #16 vs #2
Me: Mark Borchardt is making a historic run.  No other 16 seed has advanced this far.  It would be incredible for him to make it to the Final Four but he has to get past some Hatori steel first and I don't think Beatrix Kiddo will let him by.
Cocky: The Crow....you Phillistins!  How could you not advance The Crow?
Sven: Mark's mom is a hotty and she be from the mother country.
Stalker: The godfather has Mark's phone number on his cell phone and he also has another guy from American Movie in his cell phone.  He calls them.

Random Bracket Championship #12 Super Nintendo vs #2 Cadbury Mini Eggs

Random Bracket Championship #12 vs #2
Me: SNES upset Culver's and ice cream.  I thought ice cream would win the whole tournament.  SNES is on a roll.
Cocky: Finally something that I can relate to is still alive in this tournament.  EGGS!
Sven:  Dat is a purty girl.  Dem eggs gonna win dough.  Days chalk-lot and da girlies love dair chalk-lot.
Stalker: I like Prince Guko and Twilight.

Well folks there you have it.  Your choices could make it to the next round, the Final Four.  Polls will close next Saturday.

I had so many of these that I had to make two entries.  I would have had this up earlier but I sat down and watched Slumdog Millionaire this evening.  I am also on the lookout for snow.  We are expecting 6 inches over night.  I CAN'T WAIT!

I love the mash-up music style.  Well this site offers some mash-ups of rap and songs from Zelda games.  I don't know if it will make a night club but I still enjoy it.

Is today the greatest day of your life because you read my blog?

Because the national men's basketball championship in on Monday, I decided to put up this link to the 9 worst uniforms in college basketball today.

In my last edition I posted a blog which had the sole purpose of pointing out all the phallic symbols in our world.  Too bad they didn't see this.  I wonder if that is a cry to come out of the closet.  a 60 foot penis on your parent's house...that is funny.

There is this new website called ChaCha that answers your questions.  I can't believe ChaCha turned down this offer but accepted this offer.

Guys, improve your vocabulary.  The next time you are admiring your girlfriend's butt tell her she is callipygian.

I seem to remember being invited to a group on facebook that said good grammar and punctuation were sexy.  Obviously those people own the Comma Sutra t-shirt.

So I didn't realize this was one of the new Xanga "ish" sites when I read about the creation from McDonald's called the McGangBang.  I am sorry if they add you as a friend.

So I couldn't wait for a comic book entry.  I learned last week that Public Enemy has a comic book coming out.  Yes, that Public Enemy.  You can read the preview there.  They must have patched up their differences with Flava Flav.

People think the police forces in America are inept at times.  I read this article about police in Germany and had to laugh.  Hmmm maybe she is actually the killer sort of like Dexter.

A long time ago I posted a link to a site that featured a guy who sent a picture of a spider to a bill collecting agency as payment.  Well our government stole that idea.

Prepare yourself to see the 10 most extreme body parts.  Number three looks like she could be very popular with the boys AND the girls.

I think one of the worst ways to tell someone that you are having problems in a relationship is telling them via email or text.  Well this girl decided to tell her boyfriend that she cheated on him via email.  His response is epic.

Here's a fun game that can also be educational.  The Great Sperm Race.  Guide your sperm through the uterus until you reach the egg.  It maybe a little more educational than the epic game Don't Shit Your Pants.  Don't worry if you shit your pants on the first try.  It took me a little while to figure out how not to shit my pants.

I remember reading a blog that said sports were homoerotic.  Too bad that blog didn't have this website to prove their point.  OK so maybe not all are homosexual but they are still funny.  I notice prowrestling was on that list...no comment.

After that I need something to get me back.  AH cheerleaders!  BEACH VOLLEYBALL CHEERLEADERS!  What?  There are beach volleyball cheerleaders?

People we need to return to the Victorian Age.  This article tells you thusly how to return.

Here's a new blog I enjoy, Scanwiches.  This guy scans sandwiches on his computer scanner.  What a marvelous age in which we live!

Oh how I envy the lives of couriers.  Maybe that is why I watch King of Queens.

Do you have an upcoming party and want to make a cake that will have your guests reeling with horror and laughter?  Well here is a recipe for a Kitty Litter Cake.

A couple of people have sent me this link.  Why the Fuck Do You Have a Kid?  I think I have seen some of these girls on the Maury Povich show when they have the teenager girls gone wild episodes.

A long time ago I posted a blog that featured ugly Olan Mills family portraits.  Well here is a tumblr that specializes in horrendous family portraits.

Have you ever wondered how you could swear in multiple foreign languages?  Well here is a site that can help you with that.

Would anyone want to loan me $35,000 so that I could buy this limo?

There are some Star Wars fans out there that are so devoted to those movies that they dress up in Star Wars costumes.  Some of those people go out and buy high quality costumes but then there are those that make costumes themselves and here are some of the worst.

At least this guy is honest.  I am thinking of trying what he is doing.  If I was ever releasing a CD, I would do what this guy is doing.  So the economy must be in an upswing if these two guys post those prices and expect to receive that money, right?

Sometimes web forums get very strange awfully quick.  Long live the Narwhal!

CNN you have just given us the greatest headline EVER.

Check out what people who buy condoms on Amazon also buy.  Who knew?

Here's a website, Omegle, that offers a neat service.  They do one on one chatting and pair you with a random person.  I haven't tried it yet but I will.

I posted this a while ago but I needed to repost the link.  You can now add unicorns to your website.  Not to sound queer or anything but unicorns really kick-ass...can you name the movie that comes from?

Wow, I never thought about this theory but I think he is onto something.  The only downfall is that I have seen movies that have sucked without helicopters in the trailer.

Do you remember that old cartoon called Doug?  I used to watch it but I was in high school.  We made it into a drinking game.  Anyway here is a tribute to my favorite character, Chalky Studebaker.

I guess this is a good deal since we are in an economic downturn. 

I hope everyone's weekend is going swell.  The Tournament of Randomocity will have the Elite 8 posted tomorrow and now I go close the polls.

I had to take my dad to the hospital today for some blood tests and then shots for his kidneys.  Fun times.  I have noticed that Xanga is more messed up than Amy Winehouse today.  My newsfeed and subs list isn't showing all the posts that people make.  Maybe it was that I was gone for so long, oh well.  They'll get it fixed.  Oh and no April Fool's gags here.  I already did that story, these are all real stories for the most part.  Time for the round up.

Vince, the Shamwow and Slap Chop salesmen, was involved in a fight a while back.  I posted the link in my lukewarm links post yesterday.  Apparently Vince hired himself a prostitute for $1000 and as he was getting busy with her he began kissing her on the mouth and as well all know that is a big no-no and is strictly reserved for prostitutes significant others.  Anyway, Vince tried to shove his tongue in her mouth and she bit his tongue so that is why it looks like he has been smoking a meth pipe.  He then started beating her.  It took a while for this story to be leaked to the public.  I guess ShamWow can't clean up all your messes...ZING!  I can't believe that her going rate is $1000.  Must be the inflation from the economic crisis.  You I hope she bit his tongue hard enough so that I will never have to hear him talk about his nuts...see below.

BREAKING NEWS!  Travis Barker and his ex-wife Shanna Mockler are no longer together.  I know...SHOCKING!  See they get married and then they divorce and then they get back together and then they split and then he has his plane crash so they get back together but this time it might stick.  Travis accused her of cheating on him with Gerard Butler...hell every woman has cheated with Gerard Butler, he's the male equivalent to Paris Hilton.  I think this is one of the first marriages ruined by Twitter.  Shanna boasted about sucking a certain appendage of Mr. Butler in one of her tweets.  What isn't Twitter good for?!?!

Tila Tequila is not real nor is she classy.  I think she is just trying to stay relevant.  She's about 4 feet tall and weighs 90lbs...wait those are her implants.  The only way those could look any faker is if she had antlers attached.

CAUGHT!  I love this pic.  Poor Steve Wozniak.  He was kicked off Dancing with the Stars this week.  The show he should have been on was Uncontrollable Spasming with the Stars.  My mom was convinced that the only reason he was alive in that show after the first week was that he sent out a virus to Apple computers and those computers magically sent in votes for him.  You know, my mom, crazy as she is, may actually be on to something here.

Here is one of Scarlett Johansson's new ads for a champagne that she is endorsing.  Hey, kids, if you don't understand the symbolism, save the picture, and ask your parents what it means.  Make sure you don't tell them where you found the picture because that would mean that I would have to start policing my site or in other words become your surrogate parent.  You don't want that.

Sacha Baron Cohen has a new movie coming out.  If you don't recognize this guy I don't blame you.  A couple summers ago he hit the big screen as a Kazakhstani reporter named Borat.  His next movie is with one of his other characters, Bruno, the gay fashion reporter.  The MPAA is leaning on giving this movie an NC17 rating.  There are a couple of very gay sex scenes or simulated gay sex scenes.  I bet if it were lesbian sex scenes they wouldn't have a problem with the movie.  How can this movie get an NC17 rating and Nicole Kidman is allowed to show her face in major pictures?

A couple weeks ago I posted a photo of a very pregnant Alyson Hannigan.  Good news, she gave birth to a daughter.  The bad news is that the child is pure evil.  They named her Satan...oops, I mean Satyana.  That kids is going to have issues.  She will also have issues with a statement her mother made after giving birth, "I feel like a koala because I am stoned."  Yeah...

Andre Benjamin or as I will always know him, Andre 3000, was arrested for doing 109mph in a 65 zone.  He was released on $1200 bail.  Andre did not use the Charles Barkley defense either.  He was just driving and not paying attention.  That is sort of hard to do in a car going that fast.  I still remember the time I was in a car doing 95 on a gravel road.  I haven't always been a smart person.

Angelina Jolie has finally given in to Octo-Mom's pleading and plans on donating thousands of dollars to help the children.  Angelina has said she is worried for the safety of the children.  Yeah, they're in the hands of a crazy woman.  Of course if Angelina said that it would be the pot calling the kettle black.  Octo-Mom may have spent thousands of tax payers dollars on make-up but she hasn't made out with her brother on a nationally televised award show.

No matter what Bai Ling does, she never fails to amaze me.  She poses for random nude photos and I am very lonely so ignore this and go on to the next story.

Here is a picture of Beyonce in action on her tour.  Her tour is called the I AM...Tour.  It should be called I AM RIDICULOUS.  She has men wearing body condoms and she has a Transformers logo covering her vagina.  This is just too much for me.  I am going to have to start avoiding pop music.

In an interview this week, Bill O'Reilly admitted that he refuses to see any movie starring Sean Penn because Penn is so liberal.  You know Bill is hiding something.  Given his history of having to pay people off to avoid court cases for his perverseness, Bill probably bought a bootleg copy of Milk and went home and greased his pole.  Yeah that doesn't sound sexy, well you should go here to here Bellow Really talk about oral sex and other nonsense.

I know some people enjoy Russell Crowe and some may think he is all dreamy and shit but he is first and foremost a jerk.  He was in London to receive a lifetime achievement award for his acting.  He showed up about 3 minutes before he was set to receive the award, made his speech which lasted a minute and then left.  Ah...the consummate professional!  The contents of his speech turned the audience's brains to mush.  He quoted random poems.  His speech contained more quotes than any original dialogue.  I think Russell should stick to his band, The Ordinary Fear of God.

Scenes from the upcoming Guy Ritchie directed Sherlock Holmes movie are making people blush.  Apparently there is a bondage sex scene.  Robert Downey is shown locked up in some sort of bondage gear as a cleaning lady finds him and they show cuts to how he got locked up.  This is probably Guy Ritchie's way of showing us what it was like to be married to Madonna and experience what it was like to face her roid rage.

Ricky Martin was holding a party this week for some of his closest male friends and for some odd reason there were only men present at this party.  But an icky girl ruined all their fun.  A girl snuck in an started yelling at Ricky to shake his bon-bon.  Ricky told the girl that she wasn't cool.  Damn straight that isn't cool!  Ricky may catch cooties and girl cooties at that.  You know, Ricky, you shouldn't be afraid of your sexuality.  It's something you should bask in but if you are afraid to admit you're gay, well, just go marry Katie Holmes...OOPS!

My favorite news reading lesbian, Rachel Maddow, turned 36 this week.  If I was to turn lesbian it would be for her.  Did you hear gay marriage bans in Iowa were deemed unconstitutional?  Yeah, I guess that lessens my chances of getting married.

Good news!  The Project Runway fiasco has been settled.  NBC and the Weinsteins settled their feud over this show and it will air on Lifetime as planned with Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum sounds like it will be pretty bootleg.  They are going to have some random gay fashion expert co-hosting with Kelly Rowland.  Apparently they are scrapping the bottom of the barrel or maybe just saving money in this economic crisis.

Did you know Paris Hilton has time traveling capabilities?  Well she does.  Here she is showing us what she wore for the cover of Whores from the Future Illustrated.  Actually she posed for a photo shoot dressed as her favorite recording artist Lady Gaga.  So that is considered cool?  I need to update my wardrobe.

This is Doug Reinhardt.  He is Paris Hilton's new boyfriend.  THE PROOF IS IN THE PUS!  I hate to say I told you so, Doug...

Carlos Santana has been promoting the idea of legalization of marijuana for many years.  Recently President Obama answered a question about the possibility of legalized pot and he said no way.  Santana has said that if pot were legalized all the money collected could go to help failing schools and boost the economy.  You know I have often thought of the legalization of marijuana but I always consider what would the drug dealers do.  they wouldn't have any product to push however they may offer the pot at discount prices because the government prices would be....HIGH

Not only does Celine Dion look like a horse but she looks like a horse who just turned 41.  How many years is that in horse years?  Cocky, you would know, you filthy cock.

Zac Efron hurt his poor wittle foot.  People thought that was the end of the Footloose remake but NO!  They have casted Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl for the lead role.  First off the idea of a Footloose remake probably has Kevin Bacon spinning in his grave and second if Chace Crawford gets hurt I hear that Ellen Degeneres is in line for the role.

Cloris Leachman is wearing a dress made of lettuce and cabbage for a new PETA ad.  Ummm...I can't resist...would you toss that salad?  Oh and Cloris is looking pretty good these days.  She doesn't look a day over 62 despite turning 83 next month.

Fergie doesn't look too G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S these days.  She is going bald.  I hear meth does that to a person.  Wait, I know meth does that to a person.  I saw all the slideshows when my students had DARE.  I guess if you want to do meth save money for a wig and dentures for later in life.

New York is back and her breasts are bigger and faker than ever.  America's favorite whore is doing ANOTHER reality series on VH-1.  The show will be called New York Goes to Work.  Apparently this show will be an interactive show.  People will get to vote via text messages which job they want to see New York attempt the following week.  She has to impress the bosses and do a decent job in order to get paid.  That is sad considering how many people are jobless.  Oh well...I am going to text that she be a hooker each week.

Mariah Carey is telling her friends that she wants to have a child however she wants to adopt.  That is so noble. 
She is choosing adoption for all the right reasons.  First she wants a little girl.  Yeah, I know half the fun of having kids is the mystery of creation and the other half is the making part but I can see where some people would want one sex over the other.  The other and most important reason is that she doesn't want to suffer massive weight gain.  All I can say is that Nick Cannon is getting a raw deal.

Here we see Mandy Moore showing us her O face.  I am aware that she isn't having sex but conducting an interview.  I use my imagination.  TV hasn't rotted my mind completely, I let porn do that.

Madonna is in Africa trying to steal...I mean adopt another child.  She put a little girl named Mercy on layaway but the grandmother won't let Madonna make the final payment.  The adoption was blocked and upheld by the court.  Finally, someone said no to a celebrity just waltzing in to a nation and adopting a kid.  Madonna is fairly rich.  She made a lot of money on music, tours, books on sex, and kids books.  She should just buy the entire country of Malawi and in doing so she could be mother to thousands...LADY MADONNA!

A employee at Complex magazine was in hot water after posting untouched photos of Kim Kardashian.  In all honesty I like the before picture better because you know some of that girl is real.  I mean you see her cellulite, her sucked in stomach, cleaned up hair on the forehead, and the lightened skin...well it makes you forget the breast implants but it doesn't do anything to help me not forgetting that she is a whore.

I saw this photo of Kim Kardashian driving her brand new Ferrari and realized that life isn't fair.  I have a college degree and she can't read.  I sometimes drive until the gas light comes on and worry about running out of gas while she became famous for having sex.  There is a lesson here for you, kids.  Don't go to college.  Having a big butt, breast implants and blowing guys on camera are the keys to success and the keys to a Ferrari.

Why post pictures of a topless David Hasselhoff?  Because we all need a little Hoff in our lives.  Ugh!  I think I may be sick.  Leather, graying chest hair, and that hat...not a good look...hey, sorry I am commenting on the fashion because I did audition to be the new host of Fashion House.

I hate to break it to you, Hayden Panettiere, but no matter how hard you look you aren't going to find anything.  You have no heart...what did you think I meant?

Ah..Heidi Montag...you set yourself up for this...THE MOST PREDICTABLE APRIL FOOL'S JOKE FROM THE BIGGEST FOOL OF ALL!

Guess the ass.  I figured for the Bai Ling and Hasselhoff photo I owed it to the ladies.  I wonder if this guy goes around pantless in his House.  It's Hugh Laurie.

It's official, Jamie Lynn Spears' wedding is off.  OK, let me get this straight.  Jamie got knocked up as a teen, planned a shotgun wedding, and then canceled said wedding.  Hey, Lynne Spears could run for Vice President in 2012!  I mean that matches Republican party criteria for vice president.  And if Lynne does get elected VP she could nominate Britney as Secretary of All Things Slutty and Fried.
 
John Mayer is now doing shows on Carnival cruiselines.  Jennifer Anniston must have a Venus Fly Trap for a vagina because it appears he has turned his back on heterosexuality pretty fast.  Well to give John and Jen the benefit of a doubt, maybe he is in costume for a Village People medley.

Lindsay Lohan has been spotted riding around in and driving a $100,000 Maserati.  The car was originally owned by a porn producer.  HA!  He is angling at getting Lindsay to do some work in porn.  Well that is probably the only work she could get these days.  What movies would she star in?  Confessions of a Teenage Oral Queen?  I Know Who DPed Me?  Mean Girls(Who Don't Swallow)?  Herbie: Fully Loaded with Spunk?

It was announced this week that Lindsay Lohan would be unveiling a new line of perfume that captures her essence.  How would one capture her essence?  Oh yeah...roll around in a pile of cigarette butts, dump a bottle of gin and a bottle of vodka over their head, and to top it off dump a can of tuna in my hands and roll that around for a little while.  Lindsay Lohan's essence...I can't wait.

In an interview this week, Lady Gaga admitted that while on tour in Canada, she autographed a man's penis not in the Paris Hilton way with a plethora of diseases but with a pen.  Hmmm brings new meaning to the phrase, "I need your John HanCOCK."

Lady Gaga's career is going down while Lady Starlight's career appears as if it is about to climax.  I really don't care for Lady Gaga's music so I guess it is nice that she has gynecology to fall back on when more people hate her music.

Kirstie Alley called a grocery store and asked if they would close for an hour so she could have the store to herself for shopping.  She didn't want people to see the food she was buying or chance one of the people having a camera phone and videotaping the junk food in her shopping cart.  The manager refused her proposition.  Man if that guy did that his revenue would have tripled because I am sure not all the food would make it to the check out line.

Khloe Kardashian should NEVER EVER eat a lollipop in public again.  I can't stand The Hulk's impled erotica.  Oh wait, her sister did that two weeks ago.  So is sucking lollipops suggestively the new fad replacing carrying dogs in purses?

Remember none of these stories are April Fool's.  Kendra Wilkinson announced earlier this week that she is working on a new line. A new clothing line?  No.  A new line of perfume?  No.  Kendra is working on a new line of stripper poles for the home.  That is just so fitting.  I mean it sounds like a prank but it is the honest truth.

Here we see Kelly Osbourne making out with her boyfriend.  Ah-ha!  Twilight lied.  Vampires CAN be exposed to sunlight and saltwater.  I think they are celebrating how foolish Americans are for expressing interest in the Osbourne family having a variety show.  I bet that crap gets canceled.  I mean it was 4 seconds into the show when they had to start beeping out their dialogue.

This isn't an April Fool's joke either.  It was announced during my hiatus.  The Farrelly Brothers spent a week smoking meth and then announced that they are filming a new Three Stooges movie.  Then they announced the cast.  Sean Penn will be playing Larry.  Benecio del Torro will play Moe.  And Jim Carrey will be Curly.  Carrey plans on adding 40 pounds for the role.  I am sorry but right now this looks like a big bowl of shit. 

Britney Spears current tour is a spectacle but the jet she travels in is a complete disaster.  The jet is stocked with Twinkies, beef jerky and a vast selection of candy.  When Britney eats she just throws the wrappers and waste on the floor.  She also has her puppies with her and they crap everywhere.  Oh and her kids do the same.  She needs to get some ShamWows because they clean up everything...well almost everything.

Here's the video of Vince.  Wait for the 55 second mark.

Oh and here is the restricted trailer for the Bruno movie.

I hope you all have a great weekend and don't forget, Saturday the polls in my Tournament of Randomocity close.

I didn't post one of these last week but that didn't mean I stopped collecting.  I have also noticed that people are sending me links which is definitely cool and appreciated.

Currently I have been bombarded in my local network stations with ads for an upcoming county election.  One of the candidates is accusing the other of not operating the 911 system properly and it led to a murder.  Well here are other horrifying 911 tales.  The great prophet Flava Flav once proclaimed "So get up get get get down, 911 is a joke in your town."

I once only thought superheroes existed in comic books and on movie screens.  Now they are on the internet with the rise of internet vigilantes.  #1 and #2 are horrendous.  I started getting misty eyed over #2.

George Carlin, God rest his smutty soul, gained much publicity with his 7 Dirty Word routine.  Did you know there are 7 words you can't say on the internet.  Here's an article about those words.

Remember a few days ago when I announced that I was going to advertise on the sides of public transit?  Well now you can as well.

I have really ragged against Yahoo Answers dummying down the internet, well Google is making us dumb as well.  Here is a blog that gives proof about how dumb Google is.  Oh and I can't let Yahoo Answers off the hook: go here, here, here, and here.  Now, wikianswers is competing for the title of stupidest advice(but sexiest) website on the internet.

I was upset to learn that the alleged Christopher Walken Twitter page was no longer active.  Maybe he got upset with all the Twitter drama.  This week I have two Twitters for you: Abe Vigoda and Jerry Seinfeld.  Both are fake but the Vigoda one provides the valuable information that he is still alive and the Seinfeld one proves that the popularity of his show will last forever.

I love Mental Floss.  This week I found two great quizzes about Simpsons characters: Ned Flanders and Kirk Van Houten.  Guess which nerd scored 100% on both quizzes...hint...you are reading his blog.

Vince, the Shamwow guy, got into a little rumble with a hooker a while back.  The Smoking Gun has all the details.  I am trying to figure out which punchline to use...oh I will save it for the celebrity round up tomorrow.

April Fool's Day was on Wednesday.  They pulled off a classic prank at my church.  The little old ladies suggested that everyone sit in the front instead of the back as usual.  Oh what a hoot!  They should have learned from the MIT vs Harvard prank wars, this guy who duped a major newspaper, or this guy who made a page to look like CNN and a study that seems scientific.  Wait...I don't want little old ladies thinking about that last one.  But any single ladies out there who are concerned about cancer should email me.

One of these days I want to try this on my blog.  I just need a song that everyone might know.

I love improv.  I remember when we had an improv contest at my college.  It was horrible.  The people who represented my class were supposedly funny but only at written word.  Oh well, learn from this.

March Madness is almost at an end but you can relive it every day with this March Madness Mad Lib. 

One of my favorite movies is the Kill Bill saga.  This video is hilarious because it presents Kill Bill 1 and 2 in one minute and in one take.

Barack Obama is an enigma.  Too bad these people can't capture the mystery that is Obama in paintings.  I'm sure some of those are done by kids but they should know better.  I was a strict art teacher.

A few weeks ago I posted a link to a blog that featured audio excerpts of President Obama reading his book for his audio book.  This week I found a page that has exceprts of Bill O'Reilly reading from his book.  That made me feel dirty, I need a shower.

Here's a fun little blog that explores the notion that there are penises everywhere.

Video game players of the world unite!  I always found it interesting as to how Mario looked so much like Josef Stalin.

I remember a kid got kicked off the bus I rode in grade school for throwing checkers at people and hitting himself with the seat belt.  This is extreme.  Then there was a kid in high school on the bus I had to ride in order to get to another bus to get to school, he had such bad gas some days that no one could sit within five rows of him and not have watering eyes.  I need to write about my bus adventures.

The economy is rough these days although some are saying that we have made a major turn and might be back on the rise.  Times are tough all over, brothels in Berlin have started going to a flat rate and a new study says more and more women are exploring porn as an option to make money or simple employment.  Maybe I should start up my video company.  I wonder if a church body would sanction Christian based porn.

Well those last links about the economy are depressing so to cheer you up here's 50 pictures of animals wearing wigs.

I will post some more Saturday before I close the polls in my Tournament of Randomocity. 

It's time for another session of advice from myself and Cocky.  We decided to come back after a brief hiatus although I think I alienated my female readership with a lame April Fool's Day prank.

Me: Cocky, have you ever pulled any pranks?
Cocky: DAMN STRAIGHT, MAN!
Me: Really?  I'd love to hear about it.
Cocky:  ONE MORNING I DIDN'T CROW AT THE SUN AND THE HENS DIDN'T WAKE UP!
Me: That's your prank?
Cocky: WELL THE PRANK WAS WHEN THEY FELT ME ENTER THEIR HEN HOUSE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Me: Cocky, you are reprehensible.  By the way, why are you screaming at me?
Cocky:  THE NEW SPONSORS SENT OVER THE PRODUCT AND I AM AMPED UP!

Advice with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

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Me: Cocky are you ready?
Cocky:  Yeah I am pretty mellow.  I got a hold of some of your dad's eye medicine and all is good, man.
Me: Cocky, I need you to perk up a little for this column.  Take a sip of some Rooster Booster.
Cocky: SHIT THAT IS the stuff...yeah, I'm cocked, locked and ready to unload some advice.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
So my neighbor is the president of the Home Owners Association and is on a power trip. He likes to rant and rave about stupid shit and makes me want to stick a pen in my jugular. How do I avoid HOA president or make him scared to talk to me? Any suggestions? By the way, he is a misogynistic prick who obviously is lacking self esteem to be in a position without pay and take it so seriously.
                                           Suzanne in Suburbia
Me: It's always hard dealing with difficult people.  Have you ever had to handle a cock that has had too much whiskey?  Thank god, we got new sponsors. Politely tell him that you do not share his views and are offended by his misogynistic comments.  You should not worry about offending him with your comments since misogyny is an archaic thought process and dead attitude.
Cocky:  Suzanne, here's what you do.  Put up a chicken coop in your front yard.  Paint it pink and put it on wheels so it is easily movable.  When the president comes knocking on your door to spew his woman hate, dump a bucket of melted marshmallows on him and then follow that with a bucket of bird seed.  Your chickens will descend upon him and his screams will be drowned out by your and your neighbor's laughter.  Your trial should be speedy.  The defense will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are insane since you took the advice from an advice column that is co-authored by a cock.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Recently we have had some bad weather.  Now the weather has been bad but the weathermen said that we had a 100% chance of being hit with 10 inches of snow.  We just received a few inches of snow but I went out and bought extra groceries because they were predicting that the ice with the snow could knock out power and make travel impossible.  I shouldn't bitch but 100% chance and nothing major happened?  Why don't weathermen just admit that they put a map of the U.S. on the wall and throw darts at it?
                                         Kurt in Kickapoo
Me: Well, Kurt, I know it can be annoying to have a weatherman let you down when you are prepared, but thank goodness you were not affected. It's good to look at this glass as half full.
Cocky: A half glass full of Fighting Cock...actually, Kurt, I haven't believed the weathermen on TV since I saw these larger boned women prancing around announcing that the weather would be raining men.  Those Weathergirls constantly were saying, "Hallelujah!  It's raining men!"  I poked my head out of the coop and saw nothing.  It's like former President Bush said, "Fool me once, shame on me... won't get fooled again.."
Me: Hey, Cocky, doesn't that feel great to say...FORMER President Bush?
Cocky: Oh yeah!  He fucked up the country so now he can sit back at Crawford and relax with a bowl of Cheetos Cheese Puffs because we all know that when he sees Rold Gold Pretzels he shivers and rolls up into a fetal position.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am back in the dating game. I was fixed 25 years ago, and have not had to don cover in decades. I walked into a drug store the other day, and was blown away by the selection of condoms. hat's the difference, and do they still work the same way?
                                          Snipped in Soldiers Grove
Me: Wow, I don't know how to handle this question because I, myself, am not a member of the "Neutral Milk Hotel" club.  I have debated that but decided against it.  Since I was in a vow of celibacy I was out of the condom game as well.  I have been told to stay away from the lambskin.  Wish I could help you better.
Cocky:  You just HAD to say "BLOWN away" huh, funny man. I'll take care of the jokes thank you very much. I, of course, cannot relate. I have no need for such sheaths of insecurity as I don't worry too much about getting anything to make it shrivel and whatnot. I may start a new line of condoms as novelties for my ilk, however. Possibly... hmm. PECKERS. The shit part is I would probably tear them up trying to get them on. Talons and beaks are not friends to condoms.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
You two seem to get along so well.  How do you keep your relationship so exciting and vital?
                                          Curious in Cazenovia
Me: Well we do have an exciting relationship.  We always seem to find ourselves in new adventures.  I think the reason we get into more trouble than those Duke boys from the Dukes of Hazzard is that on occasion I allow Cocky to lead me around.
Cocky:  I lead you around?  If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't go anywhere.  I am the brains in the operation.  You know what I like to do for fun to keep things exciting?  I like to drink copious amounts of whiskey and watch him try to handle me. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I hate Celine Dion.  I don't need to explain that.  What I do need an explanation for is, why does it look like she just got off a horse?
                                           Celine Hater in Hortonville
Me:  It must be because Celine works long hours in Las Vegas.  Long hours can be quite taxing on the body.  That is an astute observation because now whenever I see Celine Dion, I am going to examine her walk.
Cocky: Let's just say that during the Godfather's hiatus I found myself on a little Las Vegas vacation.  I was helping Pam Anderson protest Kentucky Fried Chicken...it's horrible, people...and I ran into some strange woman with a French accent and one thing leads to another.  After I am done with her, how do you expect her to walk?  I dumped her ass when she started talking about how her heart would go on.

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the advice I dispense with my cock.

Oh and make sure you vote in my Tournament of Randomocity.  It's down to the Sweet Sixteen.  Polls will close Saturday evening.  Oh and I feel like giving a prize for anyone who can spot a connection with the names of four of the five question-askers but I have no clue what to give.

"At World's End" may not be the end of the world, but it's the end of Johhny Depp.

Johnny Depp fround dead last night in his Paris Apartment by his Wife/Girlfriend Vanessa Paradis. His death still preliminary is thought to be brought on by his smoking and thought to have caused a heart attack due to his coughing spells he has recently been suffering. More details to be released after his autopsy. The couple have two children, daughter Lily-Rose Melody Depp (born May 27, 1999) and son John "Jack" Christopher Depp III (born April 10, 2002).

Johnny Depp was born in Owensboro, Kentucky June 9, 1963 to John Christopher Depp Sr. and Betty Sue Wells. He has one brother, Danny, and two sisters, Christie (who was formerly Johnny's personal manager) and Debbie. The Depp family has mostly Irish, German and Cherokee ancestry.

Word on the Walt Disney Studios backlot is that, while "Pirates of the Caribbean: Blackbeard's Cove," which is set for a 2010 release, may not be the end of the franchise.

According to insiders, Johnny Depp has said he would be interested in keeping the swaggering Capt. Jack Sparrow alive in other pirate adventures and, as the film's production director Rick Heinrichs says, "If Johnny's interested, why wouldn't they?"

Many of the larger set pieces have been kept and put in storage.

Costar Orlando Bloom says he too has heard the rumors.

"But they haven't said anything to me," he said with a sad laugh during an interview, "so I guess I'm not coming back."

In the meantime, those left hanging by "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" need have no fear — "Blackbeard's Cove" promises a complete end to the story begun in 2003's "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl."

"All questions will be answered, but it's a great loss with Johnny gone." Bloom says.

Johnny Depp will be greatly missed by fans of all ages.

Oh so reality sucks and it is a dreary day in my world.  It rained all day and the brief moment of sunlight today was during a rainstorm so according to the old wives tales that means it will rain tomorrow.  There could possibly more snow.  I love this beautiful spring weather.

Words are killing me.  I understand that Vane Dave was the Perez Hilton blogger, figures since he visited my site repeatedly after I posted a pulse about it being an April Fool's Day joke.  He never left a comment.  Why is Xanga trying to copulate with Facebook?  I am feeling horrible this evening so I think I am going to go drink until I can't feel feelings anymore. 
That paragraph is brought to you by the Christopher Walken twitter that was shut down and Family Guy.
The polls are still open in my Tournament of Randomocity.