It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions. I am glad to be back with my cock after his bout with fatigue.
Me: Hey, Cocky, how are you doing?
Cocky: I am full of vim and vigor.
Me: I've noticed you have been quite active as of late. Is that because of our sponsor's gifts?
Cocky: No, I raided your nightstand and took a few of those pills from the bottle labeled pick me ups.
Me: Well did you leave any?
Cocky: Actually I was hoping you would get me some more.
Me: Hmmmm not like I actually need them.
Cocky: Yeah your bed has been quite bare as of late.
Me: Yeah well that post I am thinking of submitting to Revelife has me inspired to change my life.
Cocky: May as well go to the doctor to have your nads removed now.
Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.
Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin. Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear! CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa. Me: Cocky, are you ready? 
Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to dispense my knowledge amongst other things.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am moving to Portland, OR in June and don't want the liberals to smell the twenty years of southern stink on me. How do I keep from showing signs that I've spent two years living in a paper mill town with the views of Rush?
Worried in Wichita Falls
Me: Well I live in the most Republican area in all of Wisconsin but I was able to find like minded individuals so I believe that you will find someone that shares your views. Be outgoing and unafraid to share your views in the very least, I know a person like you won't care about anyone's opinion who will base it on your previous residence anyway.
Cocky: The only way is to wash all your clothes with AIR AMERICA Brand Detergent. Use the Janeane Garafalo extra strength kind. I think you are glossing over the fact that you are moving again.... You know, you can't run forever FRANK! That's right! I know who you really are, and the FBI are closing in. I can't wait to get that $20,000 Snitch fee!
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I know this is old news but I would love to hear your take on the New York Post's "satirical"cartoon about "Travis the chimp"...yeah, we all know who it was about.
Proud Contributor in Potosi
Me: I think it was a knee-jerk reaction, and find it ridiculous that anyone would think the guy was racist when he was trying to use current events to make a point. THAT being said, I do think the guy was an idiot to not realize it was not the best idea to use a caricature of a chimpanzee when our President is African American.
Cocky: People are too sensitive these days. I used to work with Al Sharpton and I caught him looking at me funny once. "Don't even think about it, Al!" He got offended that I thought he would eat me, due to the stereotype. How was I supposed to know he was staring at me cause I was a Rooster wearing a suit and drinking a latte? Until I see an uproar from the Chimp community ( Which would be AWESOME!) then I ain't caring another second about it.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
The other night I was quite sick and for some odd reason I found myself watching The O'Reilly Factor. Much to my surprise I found myself agreeing with one of the topics he presented. Is there a treatment for this in the non-socialist medical world that is the US?
Freaked in Friendship
Me: You know, I'm sure you were just feverish. Have you eaten any pork lately? Up becomes down, Black becomes white, O'Reilly starts making sense. I'm sure this will pass.
Cocky: O'Reilly is the only cock bigger than me. If you want any kind of treatment for that in the good ol US, it will cost you about $30,000.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Recently a right-winger likened me to a hooker. My reply was "at least the men that come to my street corner have a penis, unlike you". Could I have handled this better??
Red-Lighter in Reedsburg
Me: Good job standing your ground. Anyone who insults you like that, does so because they know they have nothing going on upstairs to debate with.
Cocky: Let me get it straight, what corner DO you work on? I've been to Reedsburg numerous times and haven't seen you. The last girl I picked up there, unfortunately didn't have the same problem your right winger had. I should checked to make sure the package had a taco not a sausage before I pre-paid.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a 28 year-old single professional woman with a successful career and I am financially well off.. I am also taking classes for a graduate degree. I love my career and I am a bookworm. People assume that I have it all, and that I should be tremendously happy. In reality, I drive about 100-150 miles per day, have little free time, and am frequently so exhausted I just fall into bed at night. I have some casual friends I do things with, but I have no close friends. I haven't dated in almost 3 years. I am considered attractive, but I don't normally spend a lot of time on my appearance. How can I have it all yet have nothing? This isn't me, and I don't like my existence. It would be nice to just sit, talk, and laugh. When I do, it feels like I'm wasting time. I feel like I'm 40. Help!
Has it all? in Hustisford
Me: Let’s see: you have a full time job, you are in grad school, part-time, you have a horrific amount of commuting and no life outside of work. You are exhausted, have no beloved, and have no close friends. You don’t even pamper yourself. I cannot imagine why you think you have it all. It sounds like a difficult, exhausting and lonely life. This may be time for you to rethink your priorities and find the kind of work and community so you can just sit, talk, and laugh. Face the truth, decide what is really important and make it your life.
Cocky: So you haven't dated in 3 years? Hmmmm...I'll give you the Godfather's name and number because it has been about that long for him.
Me: I was under a vow of celibacy.
Cocky: And that is why you have Viagra in your nightstand?
Me: It's for my lungs.
Cocky: That's what they all say.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My son recently came out of the closet to me. He's 14 years old. He has a slightly older boyfriend. I have had the sex talk with him but approached it from a straight point of view. Now he is asking if he and his boyfriend can have sleepovers. I don't know if I can handle that. What should I do?
Slumber Party in Stoddard
Me: You should treat your son with the equality with which you would treat your son if he ws straight and asked if he could have his girlfriend over for a sleepover. Be supportive, but that doesn't mean you have to abandon your brain as a parent.
Cocky: I suppose the cocky thing for me to say would be, "Sure invite them over for a slumber party and once they are in your evil grasp, present them with the teachings of Fred Phelps and make them watch Jesus Camp and Hell House. Actually love your kid. I think love is the whole thing Christ was trying to get across to people instead of an immediate hate. Oh and to expand what the Godfather said, you shouldn't let your being supportive mean you let him do whatever he wants. Tell him that he shouldn't be a tool so he should vulcanize his tool...
Me: Vulcanize his tool?
Cocky: It'll be sweeter if he wraps his peter...if he's not going to sack it, then he should go home and whack it
Me: You're incorrigible.
Cocky: I got a gang of that shit but my gist is that because he is gay, he runs a greater risk of contracting HIV because it is more prevalent in gay men.
Disclaimer: I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock. (I want to name the disclaimer after the Xangan that accused me of harassment after I timestamped one of the first)
If you have a question for Cocky and myself, drop me an email here or send one to Cocky's email: advicewithcocky at gmail.com
Send questions...please. Oh and I will begin work on the next tournament soon so email me the bands you would like to see in the Battle of the Bands.
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