Day: May 14, 2009

  • (Soda) Pop Culture

    I just saw another post on Xanga speaking of one of these pops so I got to thinking about different pop or for those of you who no habla Wisconsinite soda.  There were so many kinds I used to drink.  I lived for pop long before I was able to gorge myself on beer.  Many of my favorite pops as a kid and a young adult have since gone the way of the Dodo; disappearing into oblivion. Sometimes a few make it back for another life, but many have faded away only to survive on Ebay and web sites. Enjoy them here, while they last.

    10. Coke II

    http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/sodas/2.jpg

    So, back when Coca Cola started to slump a little in sales to its fiercest competitor, Pepsi Cola, someone made the executive decision to dink around with Coke’s secret formula thereby making it taste more like, well, PEPSI. It wasn’t bad, per se , but it sure as hell wasn’t Coke. I remember how horrible this stuff was and how much I missed the old coke but the new innovation it brought was the plastic two liter bottle, "you take the good, you take the bad". This was an early eighties disaster and it always managed to make an appearance at our sleep-overs and it did a fine job of keeping us wired for hours. I think it had more sugar as well. I really do miss this stuff, but sadly, when Coke went back to its ‘Classic’ formula permanently, Coke II disappeared into soda oblivion.

    9. Hubba Bubba

    http://extra.listverse.com/amazon/sodas/hubbabubba-tm.jpg

    The strongest memory I have of Hubba Bubba Soda is from grade school. We, in the ass-backward, dirt-water, hole that is rural Wisconsin seemed to drink this stuff by the gallon and as children had our own drinking games involving this gum pop. One of the ‘games’ was the infamous ‘Pop Chug’. Everyone would stand over a beach towel with a ’spotter’ on one side and commence to gulping as much warm Hubba Bubba Soda as humanly possible. Loads of fun. I was never a big fan of this gum-flavored pop because whenever I seemed to drink it I always got a migraine, but it does hold certain high esteem in my clogged memory bank.

    8. Pepsi’s Wild Bunch

    http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/pepsi-wild-bunch.jpg

    Just in case the images aren’t clear, we’ve got: Raging Razzberry, Tropical Chill, and Strawberry Burst. I love how Raspberry is cleverly misspelled into ‘cool’ territory with the two ‘Z’s. Very nice. Anyway, The deepest remembrances I have of this particular trio was the chilling innards of my grandparent’s ancient refrigerator on their back porch. It was one of those ‘chill chest’ types with the giant metal walk-in-restaurant-freezer style of handle and enough wattage to cause neighborhood brown outs. Yeah, that thing was always chock full of every conceivable beverage from beer to Bosco . Every time we’d visit we’d try to find the most odd drink we could dig out of there and I quite fondly remember tossing back a few of these guys. Dead and gone now. yes, my grandparents, this pop, and my childhood but I still have the refrigerator which will never die.

    7. Surge

    http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/sodas/7.jpg

    Though not out of circulation as long as some of these, Surge has still become a classic to many a pining American. Coca Cola distributed this green soda for quite some time. I can remember it coming in to its own right around 1995 or so, and really building up steam for a few years before succumbing to the popularity of other, weaker, beverages. It had a citrus-like flavor to it but there was something almost lime-Jell-O-ish in the back ground that would always leave a little tang phlegm at the back of my throat. But it was pretty tasty and I could knock back a 2 liter in a sitting no problem. Almost, but not quite, melted candy.  It was banned in certain counties near my high school because of the high sugar content.  It was astonishing seeing people rush the grocery stores with carts filled with Surge.  I simply think this stuff liquid crack.

    6. Canfield's Chocolate Fudge

    http://www.beveragesdirect.com/images/productpix/large/2400468.jpg

    I couldn't find an image for this particular drink but I hold it in high regard.  My babysitter used to have a refrigerator filled with Canfield's Chocolate Fudge.  Imagine taking a piece of chocolate cake and blending it with seltzer water until it was pure liquid.  This drink too gave me migraines but that was the price I had to pay to have this delicious concoction enter my system.  When the Diet Chocolate Fudge came out it was disaster.  It was horrible and then they changed the artwork on the can and it was supposed to be a chocolate bar but it looked more like a giant turd, and with that I stopped drinking chocolate soda.

    5. Josta

    Jostabottles-1.Gif-Tm

    This was a pretty recent extinction as well. I remember drinking a few of these back when Guarana was the new kid on the beverage block being marketed by Coke as the energy source of choice. Josta was so chock-full of the stuff you could, in fact, taste it. It was a tad medicine-y, but that flavor was nicely buried beneath the strong fruit and spice overtones that assaulted your taste buds moments before. This pop was far different taste wise than just about anything else out there, and it was pretty decent while it lasted.

    4. Orbitz

    http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/sodas/10.jpg

    Oh yeah, soda with little chewy chunks in it. Outstanding. Somehow, the creators of this beverage managed to thwart the normalcies of science by allowing starch nuggets to suspend themselves ever so beautifully in a super-sweet solution. It was really good, too. I remember Target selling the hell out of this stuff for quite a while. I enjoyed the drinking part, but somehow, coming to the little lumps floating there in was a lot like drinking a glass of gravy… except a lot sweeter.

    3. Kick

    Kick-Family-1-Tm

    Kick was a lot like the bastard step-son of Mountain Dew and Mello Yellow. It tasted really similar to both, but almost leaning a bit toward Mello Yellow with its citrus overtones. I actually preferred it over either and would go through a case of this stuff during my late night Mystery Science Theater 3000 marathons.  To me is was the poor man's surge.  Sort of like Sam's Club's Dr. Radical or Mountain Mist.  I have heard that Kick is still on the market but alas I can never find it.

    2. Slice

    Slice-Tm

    Slice was the precursor to Sierra Mist by the Pepsi corporation and for my buck, it tasted a whole lot better. My grandmother, in her massive fridge of holding, used to keep a constant supply of the Mandarin Orange flavor of this stuff. I hate mandarin oranges in any form, so I stuck to the lemon-lime standard and all was good with the world. There was something less overpowering about Slice as compared to 7-UP; not quite as crisp, not quite as effervescent, but certainly just as tasty.  The absolute best thing in the world was Dr. Slice.  The Pepsico attempt at Dr. Pepper.  Too bad it never caught on. 

    1. Crystal Pepsi

    http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/sodas/1.jpg

    I was in grade school in 1993 and this soda was a huge hit in Wisconsin. The selling price was less than any other cola and I remember getting cases of Crystal Pepsi at the local Kickapoo(yes, Kickapoo, we honor our native Americans around here by naming gas stations after them but then they got bought out by Kwik Trip) for at least $1 cheaper than regular Pepsi.   I honestly loved this stuff, I would drink the HELL out of a few packs per week. I loved this stuff and another fun fact was that it never exploded if you shook it before you opened a can.  One time to prove my point I threw a can on my roof so that it could roll down and prove my point.  Well the can got caught in one of the eaves.  I didn't get the can out a few months later. No I didn't taste it.  This pop also introduced me to Van Halen.  Yes, the whole marketing campaign revolved around Van Halen's "Right Now".  Anyway, there was just something about the non-caramel colored Pepsi that really appealed to me. I miss this the most of all.

    Honorable mention:
    Pepsi Free (with the pink can and blue balloons)
    Tab (now an energy drink for women)
    Coke Blak(coffee flavored coke)
    Bawls(an energy drink with a funny name)
    Donkey Kick (energy drink sold at Super America gas stations, every time I bought a can I laughed because I wanted it to be Donkey Punch but they did have another flavor and that was Rooster Booster, I always had images a liquid Viagra with that one)
    Jolt(hard to find in Wisconsin because of sugar and caffeine content, the best is the mountain dew style Jolt)
    Cheerwine(Cherry flavored pop that tasted like sparkling wine)
    Manazita Sol (Pepsi apple pop.  I have only seen it in stores twice since it was released)
    Pepsi Fire and Ice (The "fire" was cinnamon Pepsi and the "ice" was a mint Pepsi)
    Pepsi Blue(this was another berry/cola infusion that somehow never took off)
    Sprite Tropical Remix
    OK Soda

    If anyone has any other pop to add to my list feel free to drop a line.

  • Questions with the Godfather and his Cock

    It's already mid-May.  I am just rolling in the credits and also filling out applications for teaching jobs.  My reading and writing has suffered.  I want to get some posts up besides my regular weekly features.  Anyway, I love this weekly feature so I guess you're stuck with it.

    Me: Cocky, how has your week been?
    Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
    Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
    Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
    Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
    Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

    This blog brought to you by Cockburn's
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    Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn's does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region.


    Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
    Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
    Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
    Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
    Me: How is Celine doing these days?
    Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
    Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Can you explain what the big uproar is about female teachers sleeping with their middle school students? I don't get it, I mean, I slept with my teacher in middle school and I'm fine. Is it just different because I was home-schooled?
                                             Confused in Clayton
    Me: You know I have spent many years in school as a student and teacher and let me say this, there were no female teachers I ever had like the ones I see on TV getting arrested for sleeping with students.  Although my 1st and 2nd grade teacher named her child after me.  Odd.  And then my high school English teacher, well I think she would have been more apt to sleeping with the girls in my class.  I think it has something to do with a middle-schoolers ability to go once again right after he went if you catch my drift. 
    Cocky: Yeah you want to avoid sleeping with your teacher hence forth.  My friend Bubba Ray, he lives over at the chicken coop near the trailer park, he has a tendency to sleep with any of those chickens and some of those conquests are people he hatched with.  Well that farmer has a new marketing tool by selling square eggs.  Stop it now, unless she offers you some excellent pie.  Apple is my favorite.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have a question about lube.  I suffer from feminine dryness so when my boyfriend and I make love we always have to use lube.  Sometimes brand loyalty becomes a bother when making love.  Are there any lubes you can recommend?
                                             Dry in Dodgeville
    Me: Well I understand what you mean when about monotony in the bedroom.  If you aren't about being discrete you could always go to your local Walgreen's and they have a variety of lubes amongst their contraceptives.  The only bad thing is that some Walgreen's have started keeping their lubes in locked cases so in order to purchase one must finda clerk and heaven forbid they need to call someone to assist you.  "MARGE to the lube counter!"  Your best bet is to try your nearest adult novelty store.  Recently I passed a adult novelty store and bakery and saw that they are the inventors of a new kind of lube, The Beer Lube
    Cocky:You seriously are going to take lube advice from the Godfather?  The only "lube" he uses involves aloe and has a squeeze pump and says, "for dry hands".  Go out and get one of those heating lubes...MUY CALIENTE!  You want to use a small amount otherwise the friction and the heating, lets just I had some fried chicken in front of me the last time I used that kind.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a few months now but lately things have gotten strange.  When we try, he can't seem to "enter" me.  It is near impossible for sex.  Then when he did get in, it was so painful that I felt like throwing up.  What should I do?
                                             Sick of Sex? in Sparta
    Me: Wow, we are getting a lot of sex questions this week.
    Cocky: As if you know about sex, Father Godfather.
    Me: Ah, an obligatory priest joke.
    Cocky: No an obligatory priest joke would be: A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest.  The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.  The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"  The priest replied, "What did you say?"  The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes...tight ass!"
    Me: Cocky, that isn't very nice.
    Cocky: Very nice wouldn't be: what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
    Me: I'll bite, what?
    Cocky: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
    Me: OK, we have a question to answer. I really don't know what your problem is.  Thank God, and because of Cocky I'll probably have to do a lot of penance and Hail Marys even though I am not Catholic, that I have never had that problem.  One thing you might want to try looking into are kegel exercises or maybe you should try other positions or maybe instead of diving into the "main course" he should sample your "appetizers".  But I think the first thing I would do is visit a gynecologist.
    Cocky:  Oh, you did you put up your free gyencological exams sign in the back of your Blazer again?  You know if you did throw up during sex, that would add a whole new dimension to your love making.  The good old fashioned Roman Shower...too many memories.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    How do you feel about President Obama's plan to cut the deficit in half by the end of his first term?
                                              Newt in Necedah
    Me: I think he is setting himself a lofty goal for which you KNOW he will be taken to task for. Unfortunately, Republicans have proven that even in a time of economic crisis, they will still play the same political posturing. They will do their best to try and make legislation take forever to get passed just to bring the President down.
    I hope he succeeds though!

    Cocky: Some day people will realize that all you need is to let Chickens take over these banks for awhile. We are frugal people who know how to save. Our paperwork will be hard to read though cause of our "Chicken scratch" handwriting.  Sorry. Since the Godfather won't let me read dirty jokes on the internet I've been reading a lot of FAMILY CIRCUS, my comedy is starting to suffer.
      I need to punch Billy and NOT ME in the throat.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                             Loser in Lomira
    Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
    Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                             Hard-worker in Hortonville
    Me: I wouldn't advice making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
    Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

    Well that is it for this week.  If you have a question for Cocky and myself you can email me here on Xanga or send Cocky an email shoot one over to advicewithcocky at gmail.com.

    Oh and a thank you to all my readers and subscribers and friends for helping me reach my goal of 15,000 credits which I was able to redeem for 6 months of Xanga's Premium service....cue confetti, fireworks, and silly string

    We did it Adrian!