I am single and it has been really eating at me.  I guess it really has bothered me recently after I found out that one of my college friends was engaged to be married.  I was happy but then I realized that I was the last person from my circle of friends and fraternity to remain unmarried and single.

I have ideas of why I remain single and unmarried.  When I was in college I was undecided about having children and that seemed to be a major goal of nearly every female that attended my school and by saying I was unsure that labeled me as being "weird" and not the marrying or dating type.  Yes, dating at my school was different.  You chose dates based on whether or not you could see yourself marrying the girl. 

Jealousy overtook me and I was clutching my brandy old-fashioned when I saw a commercial on the TV for eHarmony.  It appealed to me because they said they were having a free weekend, and lord knows how frugal I am with money, I decided to give it a shot.  Also one of the features that made the light bulb turn on inside my head was that they made matches for you.  I am lazy when it comes to dating...well that and I tend to go after women that aren't ideal for me.  My last relationship fits into that category.  I met a woman that had two children under three.  It wasn't the children but it was her lifestyle that weirded me out.  I asked her if she was dating anyone and she came out and admitted she had "friends".  My inner Biz Markie started singing, "Come on, I'm not even goin' for it."  I asked, "Friends?"  "Yeah, well I live with my ex and so I give him sex a couple times a month to save on rent money.  Then I have another guy friend.  Then I have my girl friend who I had to get because the two guy friends won't pleasure me orally." (I had to clean up that conversation a tad)  Well I was turned off faster than a prom dress is flung to a dirty hotel room floor. So, yeah, eHarmony seemed to be ideal for me.

I filled out questionnaire after questionnaire.  I was getting bored but then I realized that this would give me the ideal match.  I would have the perfect woman.  After I finished I sat back and waited and waited and waited.  I checked my email repeatedly hoping and praying that my matches would be what I am looking for.  And then the started rolling in to my inbox.

My first match:

I think we were matched because I answered some questions that said looks didn't matter as much as personality.  I guess she had a lovely personality but I couldn't get past the snakes in her hair.

Match #2

I am pretty sure that we were matched because I mentioned that one of my favorite books is Huckleberry Finn and she looks like she came from that time complete with the corncob pipe.

Match #3

This is Virginia and she claims that she is from Japan and is looking for a big(in places that count), strong American man to satisfy all her desires, first and foremost becoming an American citizen and integrating into American culture.  Basically she wanted sex and money but probably not in that order and not in an equal proportion.  There was something awfully suspicious about a girl from Japan named after a commonwealth in the United States...yes, commonwealth...LOOK IT UP!  I think Virginia is playing me because I probably received an email from her here on Xanga just a few days ago:
I`m Virginia !!
I really feel shy, but I have to tell u, that you`r just a man of my fantasies ... It was a wonder to detect ur but at present I`m sure it`s a destiny!))  U`r amazing... but I know for sure that in ur real life you`l impress me more and more:again and again! ))  btw that`s incredible... but I am from Minneapolis too!
I`d like to become acquainted with you, Godfatherofgreenbay!  This site removed all my photos... (the most revealing pictures I hosted here: http://menmatcher.com/account/851802384/
Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you`ll take a look at them and will write me smth 2 start our thrilling challenge ))
love u honey

NO!  She is playing me because of...Match #4

This is Dorothy Rodriguez.  I was smitten.  In case you are wondering, I'm like Crayola and if you need explanation, don't ask.  Well Dorothy liked a lot of the same things I did and she was just the perfect match for me.  I mean she liked the exact same movies and same bands.  I was surprised that anyone besides me had heard of the movies Vulgar or Spaceman or the bands Umbrella Sequence or Kid Dakota.  But Dorothy knew!  Then it hit me.  She sent me an email to Xanga as well.  It read:
I am Dorothy   I really feel shy, but I have to tell you, that you are just so cool... I detected ur page randomness but now I`m sure it`s a destiny!))  You`r super... but I am sure that in your life you`l excite me again and again !!!
I`d like to keep up a friendship with u, Godfatherofgreenbay!  This site does not accept my pics... ((the most spicy images I uploaded here: http://love2lover.com/account/85169148/
Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you will take a look at them and will write me smth to start our thrilling challenge ))
now kiss you

I began to well up with tears.

Match #5

Nothing.

So they matched me up with Medusa, a woman old enough to be my great grandmother, and two bots that have also sent me the same emails here on Xanga that they did on eHarmony.  Maybe I should try match.com.  I hear that is working for Jon Gosslein.

Well maybe marriage or relationships aren't meant for everyone.   I guess that is why God gave men opposable thumbs.