Last week I decided I was going to try to bring the art of the mash-up to my blog. Due to a recent death, the mash-up has come roaring back with popularity.
I forgot to include a mash-up I posted in my audio blog quite a while ago. It combines the Rick Astley song, which is best known for being used in the Rick-Roll, "Never Gonna Give You Up" with Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Now for this week's mash-up. Do you know what these two songs are? Kachino...you better get this one correct.
It was cold today. The high temperature was 63F. The normal high for this day in July is 83F. 20 degrees below the average temperature. So I am sitting here in a hoodie and sweat pants giving you the celebrity news. Ladies, I hope you are more happy with this edition.
I forgot to say this but there are some images that may be NSFW.
Walter Cronkite passed away at the age of 92. He was the CBS news anchor from 1962 to 1981. It was interesting listening to people talk about his career. He covered D-Day and jumped into Normandy. He became a household image when he announced that JFK had died. Millions remember Walter as he cheered on the astronauts as they took the first steps on the moon. Uncle Walter was an American icon and he will be greatly missed...and that's they way it was. In Vanessa Hudgen's next movie, Sucker Punch, she will be playing a foul mouthed prostitute. It is also rumored that she will be getting nude during the movie. It's good to see that she is trying to shed that Disney image but any easier and more efficient method would be to spend the evening with me. In an attempt to stay relevant, Soulja Boy posted this photograph on Twitter. He was trying to prove that he is endowed. I don't know. Personally I think he just put a bottle of shampoo down his pants. Shirley Jones, of Partridge Family fame, is 75 years old and she decided that it's time that she posed for Playboy. She took 300 shots and when Hef saw the photos, he thought there should be more nudity. Wow...Hef must be getting senile or going through a midlife crisis because usually he passes on female nudity after they turn 19. I was going to play guess the ass but I think this one is too obvious. It's Serena Williams in case you didn't know. She defies gravity and sometimes I think I should set up a shrine to worship her glorious backside....OK... Ryan Reynolds has been cast to play Green Lantern in an upcoming movie. He will play a guy who meets an alien who has come to earth to find a special someone that will wear his powered ring. That sounds sort of like the premise to Scientology. I think Tom Cruise wants to play the alien after he saw this photo of Reynolds. Look for The Green Lantern to hit a big screen near you in the year 2011. Phyllis Diller turned 92 this week. Honestly, I thought she had died years ago. So I guess this proves that in the event of nuclear war the only things that will survive are cockroaches and Phyllis Diller. So I wonder what her plans are for this year. Movie comeback? Sextape? And I have been stricken blind... Paris Hilton went shopping this week and a paparazzi caught Paris at her best angle. So that is 100% legal? Looks like I am going to be spending some time at the mall tomorrow. Pam Anderson...must...eat...brains...All that cosmetic surgery for her breasts has left them looking great but her face. I guess you can't reverse the aging process. For those born after 1990, Molly Ringwald played the hot redhead in most every 80s coming of age movie. This week she gave birth to twins. The girl is named Adele Georgiana and the boy is named Roman Stylianos. Hmmm Roman Stylianos is a cool name but it sounds like a Greekified sexual position. Apparently Lindsay Lohan didn't get the memo that the white trash hooker who gets busted on Cops look isn't in this season. Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa were at the most pointless and useless awards show last weekend, The ESPYs. If I was Kobe, I'd be smiling too. Why would he ass rape a hotel desk clerk in Colorado when he had that at home? Thumbs up, buddy! Katie Perry was performing at a music festival in Scotland this week. So why am I posting this photo? I like shiny microphones and also I found out that Katie is Scottish. I don't think we come from the same clan because her family name isn't the same as my clan. Oh...I forgot to mention, Katie's Scottish name is Funbags O'Plenty. It appears as if Justin Timberlake is getting ready to make-out with this paparazzo. Actually Justin pissed of the cameraman for some reason and they had this stare down. Justin almost got his ass kicked. I know this for a fact because look at the camera dude. He has very little hair so what would Justin be able to pull? Here's a little something for the ladies. Jon Gosslein was out shopping in NYC this week and I am shocked that he isn't being swarmed by hundreds of women lusting after that body. Johnny Depp has said that he wants to play Carol Channing in a biopic of her life. I had no clue that Hollywood has become dry for original ideas that they are considering making a biopic about Carol Channing. Depp says that he loves Channing and with the help of technology he could do justice to playing her in a film. He is a talented actor but I don't know if that talent translates into a tuck job. Jessica Simpson is heartbroken. Tony Romo broke up with her the day before her birthday last week. She was devastated and canceled her Barbie and Ken themed birthday party. Tony celebrated by going out to a bar and making out with random cougar skanks. Jessica was going to console herself by eating some cookie dough but Jennifer Anniston, with all her break-ups, has caused a shortage. Jessica took to Twitter where she said the following: "Everyone needs to know that hope floats...grab the strings and pull it back to you." and "Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace." Do I feel sorry for her? NO! I would dump any girl that threw a birthday party for herself and had a theme of Barbie and Ken...WTF! Tony got out of there in the nick of time. Harrison Ford turned 67 this week. He celebrated by filling out Medicare forms and reviewing the next Indiana Jones script. Obviously this photo was taken a FEW years ago. David Spade ruined the punchlines of hundreds of jokes this week. He answered the age old questions, "How many celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb and how much does it cost?" The answer to the first is none. He had to call a repair service to come to his house to change a blown lightbulb. The cost was $555. Breaking it down, that's $250 for the company to show up, $250 for labor, and $55 for the lightbulbs. In David Spade's defense, he isn't tall enough to reach the sockets. Thankfully this has given me a new business idea. Here's something for the ladies. This is Dave Batista. He is a wrestler in the WWE and wrestles under the name Batista...how original! Well he is a wrestler and not a brain surgeon so I'll cut him some slack. He was photographed while on vacation this week. His work is pretty hectic so he needed to get away from beating people up and attempting to fit through doorways. Courtney Cox and David Arquette announced that they were set to star in Scream 4. They said taht they fell in love on the set of the first Scream movie and so by doing this one it will be a way for them to celebrate their anniversary. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? I stopped watching after the first. Christian Bale is a serious actor. He is dropping weight for his role in a movie called The Fighter where he plays a boxer who turns into a crack addict. You know I look at him and I can't see him as a boxer. He looks more like Screech in a Saved by the Bell reunion special. So this is Channing Tatum. He was in some stuff and well I hope this makes up for my post from last week. This is Braden from Big Brother 11. He was the first contestant eliminated. Braden was an interesting person. He claimed to have been sexually intimate with up to 40 Playboy Playmates but these are screen shots from a softcore gay porn. Braden was probably eliminated for a tirade in which he threw out racil slurs against all the minorities in the house and also the host of the show. I would have shown that clip but the man took it off youtube. Oh and I was going to say, "Here's a little something for the ladies" but...well...next. Jesse and Russell, two other contestants on Big Brother 11, got very close this week. When they legalize gay marriage and have gay wedding receptions, there is going to be a need for cake toppers. I think an awesome cake top would be the groom bench pressing the other groom. How cute would that be! Guess who's back! Amy Winehouse returned to London this week after having spent the last 6 months in St. Lucia. When she left, the island of St. Lucia actually moved two inches to the left because all teh residents breathed a sigh of relief when her plane departed. So far since Amy has been in London, she divorced her husband Blake, spent time in the recording studio, and prepared to face criminal charges of assault. All in a weeks work...I ahve to say, she does look somewhat healthy.
Video Section Hustler is making a porno movie based on Lindsay Lohan's life. There are two surprises with this movie. The first is that the trailer is safe for work and on youtube(I should have known better since many porns have their trailers on youtube) and I am also shocked that Lindsay isn't actually in this movie.
Mel Gibson's girlfriend has a new music video out and it was prduced and directed by Mel himself. I couldn't find anything anti-semtic in the video but proceed with caution.
#2. Thanks to Kachino for sending me this link. Although the link says this is not a reason to drink and drive, it sort of makes me want to get sloshed and try to out run him.
#3. Thanks to Kachino for sending me this link. I can't believe they have a texting championship. I am a horrible texter, especially when I am driving.
#7. This is a fun blog...There, I Fixed It...it shows the worst of do-it-yourself repairs or ingenuity.
#8. Someone sent me this link and it was not Kachino...I can't remember whom...so whoever you are, thanks! Are you getting bored with fast food? Well, here's a handy guide to make certain fast food meals fancy.
#14. I once heard a comedian perform about how animals are trying to take back the world. I laughed and didn't think much of it. Then I hear all these stories of shark attacks and how those geese brought down that airliner in New York and it has me thinking. Well I don't know where I am going other than here is a gallery of animals owning humans.
#15. So you go to wikipedia to gain knowledge? Fuck that! I go to Wookieepedia.
OK, so I'm sorry, Kachino. I thought you had sent me enough links for an entire entry. If anyone has a link they'd like to share, send it my way.
I am hating this economy. I have heard back from about 5 schools to which I applied for teaching positions. They are all saying the same story: that the position I applied for is not going to be filled but due to budget problems and lack of funding will be covered internally thus creating greater workload for present teachers and increased student to teacher ratio. So because everything is failing, the kids have to suffer as well. The economy is fucking up the education but I don't think the economic impact will do the amount of damage No Child Left Behind did to the American education system. NCLB fucked things royally up the ass without lube. Sorry, that's graphic but I am just tired of this shit. OK all better. Actually, I'm not all better and won't be all better until this new education plan is unveiled so I can see how the education system will "change". NCLB needs to be left behind...actually it needs to be taken out to the pasture and told to go fetch a stick and then when it is running to fetch it should get a shotgun slug in the back of the skull. OK....calm....don't want the blood pressure to go back up because I did get it down 60 points....alright...here's your weekly dose of motivation.
Well that is all for this week. I hope you enjoyed and that you found the motivation to do whatever it is that you do.
Plot Summary: Lindsay agrees to stay home and hand out candy with her mom on Halloween night. However, when she gets an invite to go cruise around town with Nick, Daniel, and Kim, she ditches her mom to hang out with them. Sam, Bill, Neal, and Harris go trick or treating. Lindsay and the gang go on a vandalism spree that starts with smashing pumpkins and ends abruptly after Lindsay accidentally pelts Sam with an egg.
This was a great episode. It starts off with a very gross moment. I finally noticed something about the beginning sequence. There is peanut butter on the table and may have been one of the ingredients that was added to the concoction however later in the episode it is revealed that Bill is deathly allergic to peanuts.
There is also a funny tribute in this episode. Joe Flaherty dressed up in a vampire costume. This is a nod to a character he played on SCTV named Count Floyd. Flaherty also was in another great TV show called Maniac Mansion, one of the only live action TV shows to be based on a Nintendo game.
Another strange note is that Lindsay mentions that there is a new Friday the 13th movie playing. The show was set in 1980 so the movie she is referring to must be the first Friday the 13th because that came out in May of that year and the second came out in May of 1981.
I love when the teacher is reading off the titles of the books that she didn't think were acceptable for book reports. It reminds me so much of my 7th and 8th grade years. I despised reading for an assignment. I wanted to read at my own pace and not so many books per quarter. I would go to the public library and check out the Choose Your Own Adventure books and do book reports on them. My teacher was none the wiser.
Another funny point is when Lindsay catches Millie kissing a boy in the parking lot. Millie explains that she met this boy at church camp. I don't know if any of you know this but church camps and church youth festivals are pretty wild. I heard from so many of my friends that went that the church youth fests are where they learned about the joys of masturbation.
Also the rumors floating around about what is being inserted into candy is funny. I know when I was a kid every year there was some other ploy out there that made it harder to eat candy. My neighbors ended up giving out toothbrushes or pennies because they didn't want to have people frightened about the candy. I read somewhere a while back that there was some truth to the rumor about people sticking razorblades in candy bars but it was a father who was going through a divorce and he did that to his own children. It is a sick world so it is better to be safe and examine the candy.
I think one of the funniest sequences happens in this episode and that is when Bill is preparing for trick-or-treating. He goes as the Bionic Woman and he is pretending to be her. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on I'm going to put the phone up to my bionic ear. OW! You don't have to shout, I have bionic hearing." "No these are not bionic, these are ALL ME!" I crack up every time I see that scene. It's around the 20 minute mark in the video below.
Music Used: "The Monster Mash" (Bobby "Boris" Pickett), "Gonna Raise Hell" by Cheap Trick; "Roller" by April Wine; "Free-for-All" by Ted Nugent
Quotes(besides the Bill quotes mentioned above): Harold: Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.
Daniel: Hey, knock it off, blondie. You're gonna blow the speakers. Kim: Oh, I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'll try not to blow anything of yours anytime soon.
Bill: Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in those peanuts.
At the end of the 20th Century, the world was introduced to one of my favorite genres of music, the mash-up. Wikipedia offers one of the easiest definitions of what a mash-up is: a song or composition created by blending two or more songs, usually by overlaying the vocal track of one song seamlessly over the music track of another.
With the rise of peer to peer music sharing networks, people had access to more music. One thing I loved to do was to play different songs on different audio devices just to see if they could blend. I would have my stereo playing while I had music playing on the computer for the chance that a pair of songs may blend together and then I could mash them together into one grandiose post-modern musical expression.
I call these songs mashups but they are known by different names around the globe: bootlegs, booties, Smashups, Bastard Pop, Blends, Cut-ups(which I just found out is a tribute to William Burroughs who would cut out sections of one writing and paste it in a different writing), and powermixes.
One of the first bastard pop songs to hit the airwaves was the vocals from Eminem's "My Name Is" laid over the music from AC/DC's "Back in Black". After this song became a hit the BBC started airing a regular show featuring mashups. I sometimes would wake up early in the morning and hope my AM radio could pick-up what I thought was one of the greatest things to happen to music. It was like in grade school when one of my teachers took out the Lutheran hymnal and started playing a different tune for the words we were singing.
I went nuts with mashups and even created some of my own. I was a bastard and took the song combos that I heard featured on the BBC show and made my own version. I added tweaks here and there though. And the thing was, this was so simple. Using Kazaa at the time I was able to find anything and everything I needed. If I felt a music track from The Hives worked great with the vocals from Basement Jaxx, I could log on and find those tracks with just the vocals or just the music.
I sort of grew out of mashups when I had to deal with thesis writing and student teaching and serving in a church. Lately I have gotten back into it because a vast number of booties have been released in honor of Michael Jackson. Some are good and some are bad, which is just like regular music.
I am going to try sharing certain mashups that I enjoy on a weekly basis. It just depends on the response. Here is the first of what I hope are many mashups.
Can you spot the songs used? The only hint I'll give is that this mashup features pop music's oddest character mixed with rock music's most reclusive figure. Enjoy!
I had an interesting day today. I had this need to get out. I read some Jack Kerouac last night during a thunderstorm. It was a fun day. I ended up approaching people randomly and talking. I visited a pawn shop, a tobacco store, a casino, Ocean Spray cranberry bogs, and a liquor store. The liquor store was fun because I found so many beers that I have yet to have or that I had thought were discontinued like the mighty Hopalicious. Anyway time for the round up. This week featured one the largest media events of our time. The Michael Jackson memorial service drew in thousands of people to the Staples Center and the major news networks drew in millions of viewers. Jennifer Hudson was one of the performers. She has kept her pregnancy a secret but I think it is now safe to say that she is expecting. Corey Feldman showed up at the Michael Jackson memorial service. People didn't know why he dressed like Jackson but they boiled it down to two reasons: he was really close with MJ or he wanted some media coverage. I am going to say the latter based on his interviews leading up to the service. I am thinking of taking bets as to how long it is before he announces that Jackson molested him or was his lover. All I'll say is that there is a book in the works detailing one or the other. All the stars were in attendance for Michael Jackson's goodbye. Here we see Kirstie Alley being led into the Staples Center. Michael Jackson's long time friend, Elizabeth Taylor didn't want to be part of the whoopla or so she announced via Twitter. I think it was more for the fans anyway. I have found it interesting that many celebrities aren't talking about Michael Jackson and it has been revealed that some publicists are telling their clients to be silent until the cause of death is announced. They are just looking at what happened with Chris Benoit. Everyone jumped on board and expressed such grief and then it was announced that he murdered his wife and son and then killed himself. The WWE won't even mention his name in their website or history books. He no longer exists. Ashlee Simpson has announced that she is planning on releasing an album of Michael Jackson covers. In this case a more fitting tribute would be if she moonwalked all over his grave. Tito Ortiz spent the July 4th weekend fishing with his girlfriend Jenna Jameson. Sadly the only thing that Tito caught was crabs. Rihanna celebrated July 4th in style. She had starfish on her breasts. I think the founding fathers would be so proud, just as proud as they are of VH-1. Speaking of VH-1, a recent discover unearthed a copy of the very first reality program. It starred James Madison and was called Rock of Love Carriage. How else do you think he could bag a babe like Dolly? Heidi and Spencer Pratt tried to celebrate the 4th of July but they just ruined everything. Great, because of them, the terrorists have won. This is Rupert Grint. He plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies. While filming the next Harry Potter movie, Rupert came down with a case of the swine flu. Hmmm that is interesting...he catches swine flu and his character goes to Hogwarts...Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Emma Watson is getting pretty good at flashing her magic cauldron. I think muggles and wizards alike have flesh wands standing at attention for her. J.K. Rowling looks so thrilled to be at the premier of the new Harry Potter movie. I think she wishes she could cast a magic spell and go back and never write the books either that or she is thinking of buying one of those new magical wonder bras. I bet you are asking who this guy is and why he is on the celebrity round up. This is Oscar Meyer. He passed away this week at the age of 95. He served as president of Oscar Meyer from 1955 to 1996. I was curious as to where the media was for his death. I bet more of us have eaten his meat than listened to Michael Jackson's music. Then think of Oscar Meyer's memorial service, the food table must have been immaculate with all the bologna and hot dogs and lunchables. Do you realize how many of my dreams start with Olivia Munn holding a paddle? Morgan Freeman is divorced from his wife. She divorced him because he cheated on her and there is speculation that one of the people he cheated with was this lovely young lady. Freeman is planning on marrying this girl. Who is she? His step-granddaughter of course. He's 72 and she's 27. You know what, I don't care. Morgan has played God and the President so he can do anything he pleases. Mischa Barton sure has changed over the past few months. I can't put my finger on it but I think she has changed her eyeshadow or maybe the weight gain is a direct result of the munchies she gets from all the marijuana that she smokes. You know, it's probably the eyeshadow. When Michael Bay decided to make Transformers 2, he knew that Megan Fox would return for her role but he still wanted to make her do an audition. That audition tape may soon be coming to your computer. He had her come over to his mansion and then said that her audition would be her washing his Ferrari and then he secretly filmed her doing the car wash. I think that is fitting since some people have described the Transformers movies as nothing more than a long car commercial. Anyway this is giving me ideas for casting my movie. I will have the actresses over to my place and tell them it really needs cleaning especially the mattresses. Madonna performed in London this week. Is she doing what I think she is doing on stage....having a mid-life crisis?
Lily Allen posed topless for ID Magazine. I'll be the first to say that Lily isn't a supermodel but there is just something about her and it's not just that she's naked. She also posed as a plushy panda bear. That's one of her new found fetishes. Oh, Lily, you are such an animal. America's favorite baby daddy is telling people that he is in the process of writing a tell all book about the Palin family. Levi Johnston's first revelation into what the book will contain is his view on why Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska. He claims that she wanted to write a book and then be able to accept money for public speaking appearances and book tours. Apparently she was upset that as an elected official she couldn't accept money for appearances and she has John McCain to blame for that. Blasted campaign reform legislation! Levi's also telling people that he is working on his acting skills because he has been offered a part in a movie. MY GOD! People, they are cloning human beings! This guy is a clone of Kevin Federline!
Lady Gaga has found the perfect look and music sound in the first two photos. Maybe she is covering her face because she was threatened with fines for public indecency. If she was smart she would market that face thing to followers of Islam or poker players...because her song is Poker Face. In the bottom photo it looks like Lady Gaga has found the perfect top. Now she just needs to work on the crap that she wears on her head. Some photos of Holly Madison's last photo shoot for Playboy surfaced this week. I think it was a veiled attempt by Hugh Hefner to keep her at the Playboy Mansion forever or maybe it is her way of telling Hef that Cris Angel is more exciting. So after posting nude photos of Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, and Holly Madison, I thought it would be fitting to give something to my female readers. Here's some of the man meat that is Kevin James. You're welcome. Who loves you, baby? Now where did I put my lollipop.(mini for anyone who figures that one out) Kendra Wilkinson was talking about her future parenting discipline and she said that she is going to be a strict Christian mother. I need to go find that Bible passage that is about posing nude and the standard tip for a lap dance. I know what tip I'd like to give...ZING Fergie was talking about her wedding presents this week and she revealed that she received a stripper pole for a wedding present. You know a stripper pole is what I want for my wedding but first, I need two things: a wife and Walmart to start selling stripper poles. Wait...I probably could go into the hardware section and find everything that I would need to put a stripper pole in my bedroom. WEEKEND PROJECT! I need the practice before I get married. Courtney Love has defied the medical world. She turned 45 this week. This photo was taken a long time ago back before she started to resemble a stick figure. Ladies, I bet you thought that Kevin James was your only treat. Here's Christopher Meloni from Law and Order SVU. I look at his arms and remember back to when my arms were that small, which was probably freshmen year of high school. Ah...the Beckhams. The family that poses in their underwear for Armani is the family that does...stuff together? I am rejoicing! This week it was announced that Baywatch is being turned into a major motion picture. It's being remade and as of now there is no intention of bringing back the original cast. Another movie was announced this week as well. T.J. Hooker is being produced and it will include members of the original cast like Adrian Zmed and Heather Locklear. What's next...Family Ties...Cop Rock...Small Wonder...Arrested Development...oh wait, yeah Arrested Development would be good and is in the works. Aaron Carter is ready to make a comeback. he said on Twitter this week that if you are his 25,000 follower, he will go on a date with you. Now does he supply the meth and coke or is that left to the follower? Britney Spears spent some time in Paris, France this week with her children. She looks great and I don't blame her kid for getting touchy-feely with Britney. I think Britney is allergic to bras because every time we see her, we see nipples. I think I have seen her nipples more than I have seen mine, especially Ol' Leftie. Oh and while I was looking at her chest, I noticed her necklace. So she's Jewish now?
Another week and another set of links. I was going to do an extra edition this week but I haven't found the time. So Kachino, your links are appreciated. I think one of these entries will feature all the links you have submitted.
#1. According to this site, there are penises everywhere.
#2. According to this site, there are penises everywhere.
#3. According to this site, there are penises everywhere.
#4. The people at 27/6 decided to mess with their landlords. One of these days, I'm going to do that with my neighbors. I plan on using my air horn though.
#5. I like Family Guy. One of the random recurring characters on the show is Ollie Williams. He is an African American that basically shouts out the weather forecast. His weather report is Blaccuweather. Now you can have your very own Blaccuweather forecast.
#6. Here is a simple solution to get a girl who has a boyfriend and won't have sex with you to have sex with you.
#7. A while back I stumbled on this review for a hotel in my area. I think it was rated as one of the worst in the state of Wisconsin. In case you don't remember here is the photo. And, no, Katie, that is not the motel they mention in That 70s Show.
#10. Here's a fun little site called Springfield Punx. The purpose is to take pop culture icons and draw them in the style of a Simpson character. I really am enjoying the Ghostbusters section. Some of you may also enjoy the Lost section
#13. J and L, you are responsible for this link. I was reviewing that book you gave me a couple Christmases ago and for some reason I stumbled on this site of animals humping out of their species.
#14. A while back I shared a link to an 8 Bit rap album that featured music used in The Legend of Zelda games on the regular Nintendo. Well here is a blog announcing that the same people are working on an 8 Bit Weezer album. The nerd in me is rejoicing. I think it is high time I finally get my Buddy Holly glasses.
#15. This week, because the Bruno movie releases soon, I leave you with the greatest Bruno bits from Da Ali G Show. I am still trying to find a leak to the scene where Bruno asks Ron Paul to make a sextape with him.
I am single and it has been really eating at me. I guess it really has bothered me recently after I found out that one of my college friends was engaged to be married. I was happy but then I realized that I was the last person from my circle of friends and fraternity to remain unmarried and single.
I have ideas of why I remain single and unmarried. When I was in college I was undecided about having children and that seemed to be a major goal of nearly every female that attended my school and by saying I was unsure that labeled me as being "weird" and not the marrying or dating type. Yes, dating at my school was different. You chose dates based on whether or not you could see yourself marrying the girl.
Jealousy overtook me and I was clutching my brandy old-fashioned when I saw a commercial on the TV for eHarmony. It appealed to me because they said they were having a free weekend, and lord knows how frugal I am with money, I decided to give it a shot. Also one of the features that made the light bulb turn on inside my head was that they made matches for you. I am lazy when it comes to dating...well that and I tend to go after women that aren't ideal for me. My last relationship fits into that category. I met a woman that had two children under three. It wasn't the children but it was her lifestyle that weirded me out. I asked her if she was dating anyone and she came out and admitted she had "friends". My inner Biz Markie started singing, "Come on, I'm not even goin' for it." I asked, "Friends?" "Yeah, well I live with my ex and so I give him sex a couple times a month to save on rent money. Then I have another guy friend. Then I have my girl friend who I had to get because the two guy friends won't pleasure me orally." (I had to clean up that conversation a tad) Well I was turned off faster than a prom dress is flung to a dirty hotel room floor. So, yeah, eHarmony seemed to be ideal for me.
I filled out questionnaire after questionnaire. I was getting bored but then I realized that this would give me the ideal match. I would have the perfect woman. After I finished I sat back and waited and waited and waited. I checked my email repeatedly hoping and praying that my matches would be what I am looking for. And then the started rolling in to my inbox.
My first match: I think we were matched because I answered some questions that said looks didn't matter as much as personality. I guess she had a lovely personality but I couldn't get past the snakes in her hair.
Match #2 I am pretty sure that we were matched because I mentioned that one of my favorite books is Huckleberry Finn and she looks like she came from that time complete with the corncob pipe.
Match #3 This is Virginia and she claims that she is from Japan and is looking for a big(in places that count), strong American man to satisfy all her desires, first and foremost becoming an American citizen and integrating into American culture. Basically she wanted sex and money but probably not in that order and not in an equal proportion. There was something awfully suspicious about a girl from Japan named after a commonwealth in the United States...yes, commonwealth...LOOK IT UP! I think Virginia is playing me because I probably received an email from her here on Xanga just a few days ago: I`m Virginia !! I really feel shy, but I have to tell u, that you`r just a man of my fantasies ... It was a wonder to detect ur but at present I`m sure it`s a destiny!)) U`r amazing... but I know for sure that in ur real life you`l impress me more and more:again and again! )) btw that`s incredible... but I am from Minneapolis too! I`d like to become acquainted with you, Godfatherofgreenbay! This site removed all my photos... (the most revealing pictures I hosted here: http://menmatcher.com/account/851802384/ Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you`ll take a look at them and will write me smth 2 start our thrilling challenge )) love u honey
NO! She is playing me because of...Match #4 This is Dorothy Rodriguez. I was smitten. In case you are wondering, I'm like Crayola and if you need explanation, don't ask. Well Dorothy liked a lot of the same things I did and she was just the perfect match for me. I mean she liked the exact same movies and same bands. I was surprised that anyone besides me had heard of the movies Vulgar or Spaceman or the bands Umbrella Sequence or Kid Dakota. But Dorothy knew! Then it hit me. She sent me an email to Xanga as well. It read: I am Dorothy I really feel shy, but I have to tell you, that you are just so cool... I detected ur page randomness but now I`m sure it`s a destiny!)) You`r super... but I am sure that in your life you`l excite me again and again !!! I`d like to keep up a friendship with u, Godfatherofgreenbay! This site does not accept my pics... ((the most spicy images I uploaded here: http://love2lover.com/account/85169148/ Godfatherofgreenbay, I think you will take a look at them and will write me smth to start our thrilling challenge )) now kiss you
I began to well up with tears.
Match #5 Nothing.
So they matched me up with Medusa, a woman old enough to be my great grandmother, and two bots that have also sent me the same emails here on Xanga that they did on eHarmony. Maybe I should try match.com. I hear that is working for Jon Gosslein.
Well maybe marriage or relationships aren't meant for everyone. I guess that is why God gave men opposable thumbs.
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