Before I begin, please check out my Celebrity Round Up from this past week.  I posted it so late/early that I think people missed it.

OK where to begin?  Saturday night I couldn’t sleep.  I just laid there and tossed and turned.  When I finally thought I was about to fall asleep, one of my cats would jump on me and start walking up and down my back.  That isn’t that bad however their claws are sharp so it was like being poked with needles.  Another time I was just about to drift off when I heard a commotion in my kitchen.  One of the stray cats that hangs around my house jumped on my grill and was looking into the kitchen windows.  This didn’t sit well with my cats so they started hissing and growling.  It was nuts.  I then decided to make myself some espresso.  One pot led to another.  12 cups later I was buzzing.  I went to church where I drank about 4 more cups of coffee.  Normally I don’t drink the stuff but I needed something to help my stay awake.  Then I went and had lunch with my parents.  My mom asked if I wanted to go to Walmart to help her get some back to school supplies.  She teaches Sunday school so she needs to get stuff for the kids.  Well that was an experience.  I couldn’t believe how packed the back to school area was.  It was cart to cart traffic.  Well I found all her stuff and was looking for something for me.  Damn you, Walmart!  You raised the price on your Dexter DVDs by $5!   Being upset, I went to find my mom.  Before I did that I walked past an older woman, maybe in her late 70s.  She said to me, “pardon me sir, but I dropped that paper.  Could you pick it up?”  I figured I should try to be nice for once in my life.  I bent over and had a tough time picking a single sheet of paper off the ground.  Then I had the scare of a lifetime.  The old woman grabbed my ass!  I jumped up and looked at her and she smiled, winked and said something along the lines of me having a nice one.  I walked backwards as fast as I could.  I found my mom pricing tylenol in the pharmacy area where this guy who appeared to be drunk was singing, “Hang On Sloopy.”  It was quite entertaining.  Then a lady walked over with one of the Walmart pharmacists and asked which pain reliever helped back pain the most.  He pointed to some and I turned to look at that girl and saw some of the largest breasts not in a porno magazine.  I then came home and realized I had a meeting at church.  It went so long and I was starting to get sleepy.  I finally get home at 9:15 and lay down on my couch.  The next thing I know it is 5:30am.  I said screw it and fell back asleep.  It was nice crawling off the couch at 10:30 this morning.  13 hours of sleep…it was nice except now my back hurts.  I should have asked that girl for her number because I too have back pain.  Anyway that is why I didn’t get this posted last night or this morning.  Enjoy.

This mash-up combines “Losing My Religion” by REM with “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas.  I actually like this one.   It takes two poignant songs and combines them into one incredible mash-up.

This song takes “Check it Out” by The Beastie Boys and mashes it up with “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin.  I am mixed…hahahaha…about this one.  The Beastie Boys have a lot of material used in mash-ups and I think that is because a while back the band asked fans to make mash-ups featuring their vocals.  I don’t know if this one works.

This mash-up combines “Let it Be” with “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy.  This is one of those off-the-wall mixes.  I never thought it would work but strangely it does.  Too bad Shaggy sounds like he is singing with a mouthful of food.  If he sang better then maybe this would be better.

I went to a football game this evening.  My hometown was playing the school I attended.  It was delayed about an hour because of a thunderstorm that rolled through.  This state has some weak rule that outdoor sporting events, especially football, not being played while there is lightning.  Anyway my school won.  Other than that my day was pretty boring.  I was excited to see the reaction from my last post.  Anyway on to the round up.

This is Rupert Grint.  He plays Ron in the Harry Potter series.  Rupert turned 21 this week.  I love the tribute in this photo.  I wonder how many people get the tribute.

There was a report earlier this week that Robin Williams said that he would be playing Susan Boyle in a movie about her life because the film’s producers thought his portrayal of Mrs. Doubtfire would be a perfect fit.  I actually think it is because they have about the same amount of body fur.  I guess I won’t have to worry about this because it turns out that it isn’t true.  Now, I would pay to see a movie where Susan Boyle plays Robin Williams.

Paula Abdul will be back on live TV.  She is going to host the VH-1 Diva Show.  Miley Cyrus is set to be there as well.  Wow, she is a giant compared to Paula.  It must be all the time she spends training on the stripper poles.  I have thought it was weird that Miley would be included in a Divas show.  Was Clay Aiken booked?  Honestly, Richard Simmons is more of a diva than Miley.

This is Patrick Stump.  He is the lead singer of Fallout Boy.  He was arrested this week, not for making sappy music, but for driving without a license.  This may be the first time that I have seen him without a hat.  How can a person of that fame not have a driver’s license?  I guess making music so awful that it makes me want to rip out my pubes with my bare hands keeps a person busy.

Mena Survari went from being one of Hollywood’s rising stars to a shill for vodka.  I guess she is doing all she can to stay afloat in this economy.  Too bad her job title is now “Paris Hilton”…because she totally shills for any company that needs an airhead spokesperson.

There is a rumor going around that Megan Fox will be playing Catwoman in the next Batman movie.  The rumor is just that, total bullshit.  If they do cast her, it will be the downfall of the Batman series, just like the first set of Batman movies.  They just tried to get the biggest named stars to play roles and it sucked.  Besides Christopher Nolan has said that he dislikes the Catwoman character and would not include her in the movie.  I now offer my reason for not having Megan Fox play Catwoman, I hate her.

Matthew Perry was enjoying a meal at a restaurant but he had to complain to management that a nearby table was making a ruckus and he couldn’t enjoy his meal.  The people that were causing a ruckus: Vince Vaughn and Zach Galifinackis.  Man, Matthew is getting old if he is complaining about the noise.  Maybe he wanted to enjoy his meal of prunes and metamucil so he wouldn’t miss a single exciting minute of Murder She Wrote.  Maybe the ruckus was causing his tea to get cold or maybe he had an arthritis flare-up.  Somebody get him some Werther’s Originals.

Macaulay Culkin turned 29 this week.  God, it is hard to believe that he and I are the same age.  What isn’t hard to believe is that I have accomplished more than him in the past five years.  Wait, he has me bat because he is banging Mila Kunis.

Lindsay Lohan had her house robbed this week.  Apparently all that was stolen was video tapes, photographs, and legal documents.  People have said that all of these, if made public, could be very embarrassing to Lindsay.  A sex tape or nude photos wouldn’t be embarrassing or shocking.  She has already posed nude and there were alleged sex scenes that have been released.  Now what could be shocking?  That she only grossed $40 in 2008?  I bet it is that she has filmed a sequel to Herbie…that would be awful.

Why do people criticize Lily Allen for having a flat chest?  I absolutely adore this girl.  She was performing this past week at a music fest in England and she was jeered for her breast size.  I have heard that there is more to women than their breasts.

According to a recent Twitter post, Lauren Bacall hates Twilight.  Here is the post: Yes, I saw Twilight – my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the ‘film’ was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau’s 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, ‘Now that’s a vampire film!’ And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!   YES!  She is right on!  Actually if you watch Nosferatu make sure you get the 1922 version.  There is a very disappointing version from the 70s.  I really admire Lauren for saying this.  I hope she doesn’t get attacked by any Twilight fans.

Lady Gaga, I love your fluffy merkin.  Is that to cover up the tuck job of the alleged penis that you possess?

In looks like Katy Perry likes to go to third and second base in front of 50,000 people.  She likes to touch herself in front of thousands of people?  I guess she missed her true calling as a porn star.  I guess we can always be hopeful a sex tape surfaces.  Now for the pervy comment: normally I hate strawberries but I would devour those.

Katherine Heigl is such a tease.  Maybe she is scheming for an extra 20% discount from that salesman.

Joe Francis, the founder of Girls Gone Wild, beat up a former Playboy Playmate, Jayde Nicole, the girlfriend of Brody Jenner.  Apparently Jayde saw Joe hitting on a woman in the club unrelentingly so she threw her drink on Joe who didn’t like the alcohol abuse so he grabbed her by the hair and punched her in the face.  She fell to the ground and he started kicking her.  Security broke them up and took Francis outside the bar.  Jenner followed and tried to punch Francis but someone with Joe had a taser and shocked Brody.  I hope Joe Francis gets this taen care of because we wouldn’t want this story lingering thus making people think he disrespects women.

Oh, Jennifer Tilly, you are my favorite Oscar nominee turned professional poker player and World Series of Poker bracelet winner.  Now just stay away from going all in on an ace-ten off suit and making Chucky movies and I will remain happy.

Heidi Montag recently said that Britney Spears is her idol and that she “inspires” to be just like her.  Yes, that is what she said.  I see that she is inspiring Britney’s intellect.  Here’s a tip: Heidi, before you speak, make sure you possess a brain.

It is rumored that Derek Jeter is engaged to Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly.  I hate the New York Yankees, Derek’s team, so this post may seem slanted.  Do you read Maxim?  Well look at their Hot 100 list and you will see every woman that Derek has slept with in the past ten years.  This guy has accomplished so many of my childhood dreams.  Winning multiple World Series, sleeping with major Hollywood starlets, being a multimillionaire…I think there are only two things that I have done in life that Derek hasn’t.  One is pee standing up and the other is having a kick-ass Xanga.  Of course Derek probalby laughs at Xanga because this blogging community is Kansas City Royals or Detroit Lions of the social networking sites.

A while back I did a post about my least favorite comedians.  I am currently working on a list of my favorites.  I was iffy on including David Cross but this solidified his inclusion.  This is the jacket from his new book.  He is all kinds of cool.  Here’s what it says: David Cross is a two-time award winner as well as a three-time award winner.  He was part of Mr. Show and Arrested Development.  He has done-and still does- stand-up comedy.  He is a Jew/atheist originally from Atlanta.  He speaks four languages and three dialects.  He writes, loves, and eats in the NYC area.  He is a Red Sox fan.  In fact, he has a dog named Ollie Red Sox.  He is a true patriot and a great American.  Hi is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn. ……Here’s the funny part.  The guy in the photo is not David Cross.  That is Amber Tamblyn’s father.  Oh Thanksgiving dinner will be fun!

Carrie Prejean is trying to remain relevant.  She has expressed interest in appearing on the next edition of The Celebrity Apprentice.  Donald Trump has expressed interest in having her cast as well.  He says she is attractive and opinionated….not to mention moronic.  This is merely a ratings ploy.  Hey, Carrie…14:56…14:57…14:58…

Have you seen the commercials for this IHC.com?  It acts like a warning for the forthcoming events of 2012.  I went to the site and registered for the lottery so that I can be saved after the shit goes down.  Actually this is just a movie.  Adam Lambert has already recorded a song for the movie.  Brian May has said that this song is perhaps one of the best songs he has ever heard and that it will most definitely be a number one smash hit.  He also said that Adam will take music to new places…hopefully those places aren’t too weird.

Ryan Jenkins, one of the contestants on the VH-1 reality series Megan Wants a Millionaire, was found dead in a British Columbia hotel this week.  He hung himself on a towel rack.  He was able to be identified with his finger prints while his wife was only able to be identified with the serial numbers on her breast implants because of how he disfigured her and chopped her up.  Ryan, you’re a pussy.  You kill your wife, you flee to Canada, and then you kill yourself.  What a fucking brilliant plan!  I am so sad that your intelligent mind was taken from us so suddenly.  You could have cured cancer using those great smarts.  I hope you enjoy burning in hell.  I hear there is a special section just for you and it’s called Chop and Rape Land.  Make sure you get there early and try the corndogs….pussy

Megan Hauserman, Megan from Megan wants a Millionaire, looks like she is holding up well since her show was canceled because that pussy killed his wife and himself.  VH-1 will not reveal who won and have no plans on airing the rest of the series.  They also won’t air the third installment of I Love Money because that used douchebag won the whole thing.  I think the grief counselors recommended that Megan cope by dressing like this.  Hell, she dresses like this all the time.  So how did the show end?  I want to pretend that Megan came to her senses and brought back that old guy, Donald, and wound up marrying him.  It’s either that or she fell madly in love with my fellow mafioso…I mean waste management specialist…and she became the next Carmella Soprano.

In shocking news, OK maybe not so shocking, nude photos of Britney Spears surfaced.  Actually they didn’t, I just thought the photo was fitting and had to be a little uplifting after the last two stories.

Video Section:
I end with sad news.  Reading Rainobow aired its final episode on Friday.  Actually the show ended in 2006 but they have just been replaying old episodes.  The contract ran out and PBS declined to renew it.  Let’s hope that another network airs this show. 

Well that is it for this week.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Sorry to mislead you but I was just following Paul_Partisan’s idea of how to increase traffic to your site.

I have too much time on my hands this evening.  I even had my awesome links post ready to go and then all of a sudden the navigate away page popped up as I was typing and then *boom* lost my post.  Anyway, happy pussy rubbing.

So I sat down tonight and started working on a second “Girl” post.  I think it was funny but I had to put it down when Top Chef started.  I decided to try my own Top Chef drinking game.

Take 1 drink every time they show a scallop or say the word “scallop”
Take 1 drink for every time a contestant says “I’m not here to make friends.”
Take 1 drink if a contestant says they should win because that is their field of expertise.

Take 1 drink if a contestant expresses concern about using something they are unfamiliar with.
Take 1 drink if the contestants all show complete shock to a particular challenge.

Take 1 drink whenever Padme says something which she is unqualified to say…use at your own risk
Take 1 drink when the guest chef is not well known outside of his region.

Take 1 drink every time Gale Simmons mentions Food and Wine magazine…use at your own risk

For some reason tonight’s episode didn’t have me drinking.

I have two cats sleeping next to me.  Little do they know I am about to scream in order to keep them on their feet…er…paws.

Prepositions are fun to end sentences with.

Wisconics Lesson #1…counting
To say that there is a couple of something one must say “a couple, two, tree”  The -th sound is unknown in the Wisconics language.

Wisconics Lesson #2…ATM Machines
You may think Wisconsinites are strange and sci-fi fans because they frequently ask for ATMs by asking, “Hey youse guys, come here real quick once, where’s yer Tyme Machine?”  “Um?” “Oh der it is, I’m going by duh Tyme Machine and den off to Fleet Farm.”

Wisconics Lesson #3…drinking
A person from Wisconsin will ask for water fountains or drinking fountains by asking, “Hey youse guys, come here real quick once, where’s yer bubbler?”  “Um?” “Oh der it is, I’m gonna get me sum water over by the bubbler.  Wanna come with er no?”  The safest thing you can do in the event a Wisconsinite asks for a bubbler is to point them to the nearest bar that serves brandy old-fashioneds and then stay out of there way. 

Wisconics doesn’t translate well to the world of the internet.

2012 is going to kick my ass.

It’s offical, Vikings players hate Brett Favre and he has already caused a schism in the Vikings’ lockerroom.  It couldn’t happen to a better guy.  Good luck in the….hahahahaha…playoffs…hahahahahahahaha

“Every time I think about you, I touch my elf”….Actually I think he is trying to slide down her chimney.

Yes, that is where they got the concept for those awful movies.

Schadenfreude, noun, satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune.

I can’t decide which competition this comes from: Welcome to the 2009 Miss He-Didn’t-Pull-Out Competition…or…Welcome to the 2009 Miss I Strip to Support My Fatherless Child.

Why must we discriminate against hookers?

“Homo Loco takes down Teabag the Terrible with his patented Coxygen Mask move.”  Seriously Japanese wrestling is crazy.  I need to find some videos of a Japanese wrestling show I once saw called Stranglemania.

I think there is irony here.

Here’s some more irony.  Don’t know what irony is?  Well look it up.

Ice Cream?  No.  Culver’s delicious frozen custard?  No.  That is chicken slurry.  That is what unprocessed Chicken McNuggets look like.

Well…if you insist.

If a douchebag falls in the forest and no one is around, do we still laugh?

Turtle Power

Guten Abend

(This is a re-post.  I wanted to share it again because I need to get inspired and write a few more entries like this.  Enjoy!)

Girl, I know you said this time of year is bad for you and you are stressing about all the increasing work that you have to do, but, girl, I have one word for you.

Relax.

That’s right.  You have to relax otherwise you will cause harm to your hot, little body.  Stress can lead to hair loss and stomach ulcers.  Girl, you don’t want that.  So what am I going to do?  I’m going to rock your world.

I will pick you up at a designated time.  You will see an all white Hummer limo in front of your place of residence.  Then when I see the astonished look on your face, I will jump out of the back of the limo.  You will look at me and be shocked because I just bought a new suit at the Men’s Warehouse because they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  Girl, your chariot awaits.

I will hold the door open for you.  You will be speechless upon entry.  Your eyes will bulge from your skull as you see the roses, champagne, cognac, and wide variety of juiceboxes.  I will pour you a glass of champagne and myself I will pop a straw into an Ectoplasm Cooler.  You will sip your champagne as we begin your trip to relaxation.

The driver will stop outside the $3 store where everything costs $3, even the laser pointers.  I remember how much you admired my gold necklace that I was wearing the other day.  Girl, I have to come clean.  I bought it here at the $3 Store.  I will buy you anything your heart desires.  What?  You want a Louis Vuitton bag?  Well how about a $3 Store special, the Louis Vooton bag.  Damn, girl, I rented a limo just for you.

The driver will take us to the finest restaurant in town.  You will dine on lobster as I enjoy the complimentary bread rolls and water.  The lobster will satisfy your appetite.  I lean over and whisper that dessert will be served later at my house.

The driver takes us back to my house but before we leave I make you stuff all the champagne, cognac, and juiceboxes in your newly bought Lous Vooton imitation leather bag.  I open the door for you, girl.  We go to my living room and sit on the couch that I bought at Goodwill.  Do you want to play checkers, read poetry, or watch TV?  You opt for the TV.  Girl, for your relaxation I am going to let you operate the remote.  It is in your hand.  You choose what we watch be it The Antiques Roadshow or another needless reality program.  The choice is yours, girl.

While you are settling in watching a program that I do not care for I get your dessert.  Fresh strawberries and chocolate.  I dip the strawberries in the chocolate and feed them to you.  Girl, do you know how difficult this is for me?  I hate strawberries but tonight is all about you. 

After you have had your fill of strawberries and chocolate, you say that you are getting tired and could use a bath.  I lead you by the hand to the penthouse portion of my house or as what some people call the upstairs.  Girl, are you relaxed?  I draw a bath for you and light some candles that I bought at the local candle shop.  They smell like lilacs. 

As you bathe, I am preparing my bedroom for the relaxation that is about to come.  You yell at me because I forgot to lay out a towel…or did I?  I give you one of my newly purchased towels just for your pleasure.  It was a Martha Stewart towel that I bought on clearance at K-Mart.  It is soft and dries you off.

I lead you by the hand into my bedroom.  You see the rose pedals on my bed.  I beckon you to come to me.  I hit the cd player and we are listening to the smooth sound of Pantera but you don’t like Pantera.  Well, girl, you pick the music.  You can pick whatever you want.  I have everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.  Girl, you can even pick some classic music because I don’t care if it makes you pretentious. 

Marvin Gaye is coming from the speakers.  I take back the bedspread to reveal a new set of red silk sheets that I purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They are the finest of 500 thread count sheets.  I spent painstaking time to count each thread just for you.  The sheets are smooth just like your skin.  As Marvin Gaye sing, “Let’s Get it On” I lean in and rock your world.

We do not need to look to the sky for the fireworks that are displayed across the night sky because we are making our own fireworks and if you want later we can go outside to my garage and I will show you my firework collection.  Before you came I stopped at the Firework Depot where everything is buy one get one free.  I am prepared for the Fourth of July.

The strenuous activities make us sleep in.  I wake up while you lay on the smooth silk sheets.  I prepare you a brunch consisting of a variety of fruit, freshly squeezed orange juice, pancakes(some embedded with blueberries and others embedded with chocolate chips), and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  We feast.  You ask why did I make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Why, girl, it’s the cheesiest!

Well, girl, I hope you found some relaxation.  If not we can repeat this all over again but without the lobster and the limo.  We are in an economic crisis after all.  No money or product can replace you.  Girl, you are my most cherished possession.

Damn!

What a loss!  Teddy was one of the few politicians that seemed to genuinely give a damn about people, not just his constituents but all Americans.  Say what you will about the letter behind his name, he did do great things for Americans….women’s rights, minimum wage, medicare, worker’s rights…this guy fought for you.

I am also feeling pretty crappy about this whole Miss Xangamerica contest.  I was pissed that I could only vote for 3.  There are at least 6 or 7 that I want to vote for.  I felt so conflicted having to narrow down my choices.  Crap, I spent time analyzing this vote.  I didn’t do that in November because I knew way back in February whom I would vote for.  The last election I spent time analyzing my pick was in 2000.  Anyway, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings with this contest, just don’t take it personally.  Somehow I can make it up to you.

Here’s your weekly dose of motivation:

Well that is it tonight. I am thinking I should do a Kennedy post but thatwould be cliche, wouldn’t it?  Oh and I am finally getting motivated to do my nude pics post.  I figured it is about time.  I have said I would for some time.  Actually it is my response to a popular Xangan’s pulses in which he proclaims the size of his manhood.  Well I am going to get one of those tape measures so I can give full details of the measurements of my manhood.  I am a little nervous so maybe my findings will be schewed.

This song came up in a comment in one of my last posts and I found it.  This could be one of my favorite songs.  I even tried penning a few verses for an update of rock legends who have died in my lifetime.

Anyway, can anyone name all the people they sing about?

Have a good night…I promise I will make better posts in the future.  I know my last one sucked and that is why 1 of you viewed it.  2 view for the win!

Previously on Freaks and Geeks:  Pilot, Beers and Weirs, Tricks and Treats, Kim Kelly is My Friend, Tests and Breasts, I’m with the Band, Carded and Discarded, Girlfriends and Boyfriends.

We’ve Got Spirit was written by Paul Feig and Michael White, who had a cameo in the episode Kim Kelly is My Best Friend.  This episode was directed by Danny Leiner.

Episode Summary: Sam tries out to be the school mascot hoping to impress Cindy. Meanwhile, Daniel, Ken, and Kim suddenly become the basketball team’s most rabid fans following a series of run-ins with jocks from the rival school, Lincoln High. Lindsay tries to figure out the best way to break up with Nick.

Once again we see Sam trying to figure out how to impress Cindy Sanders although this time Sam realizes it isn’t worth it.  Sam dons the outfit of the school mascot after the original student was hurt during a a pep rally.  That student was played by the GREATEST ACTOR EVER (according to the little girls on yahoo answers), Shia LaBeouf.  I can’t believe I found a pic of him.  Hopefully the pic works and doesn’t go away like the ones from last week.  Anyway, I love how Sam and Neal have words and Neal backs away to allow Sam to pursue Cindy.  You may think this is the last time we see a Sam and Cindy relationship but wait to a later episode when we see the most awkward moment in the series, according to creator Paul Feig.

The mascot, I hated that during high school.  It was such a distraction.  My school’s mascot was the knight so they had some tiny freshmen dressed up in tin foil armor brandishing a toy sword.  It was so lame and so Lutheran.  Anyway during one game the knight tried to lead us out to the field.  The knight was my cousin.  I stood about a foot taller than him and probably had at least 150lbs on him.  He was jumping around and I pushed him down and said, “get out of my way, Nerf.”  Nerf was his nickname and I won’t go into details about that because it was quite gross.  He cried and the cheerleading adviser chewed me out after the game.  My coach slapped me on the helmet and started laughing.  When I was coaching football, my team played against a school that has one of the worst school mascots in the country.  They were the Awesome Blossoms (click the link to see what was drawn all over the school).  Anyway they had a young girl dressed in this horrible looking flower costume.  By the end of the game she was in tears.  Every time I saw her I laughed.  Here I only thought Awesome Blossoms were delicious fried onion appetizers but no, there is also a high school in Minnesota that bears that name for a mascot.

The Kim, Daniel, and Ken storyline is funny because they go from not caring about sports to being rabid fans.  I remember when my football team made a championship run, we got the whole school out of school for the day so all the burnouts, who also happened to be my friends, would come up and congratulate me and thank me for playing.  I got so much beer and weed gifts from them just because I got them out of high school.  We got out because most of our games were played on other ends of the state.  One game we had to travel at least 4 hours to play.  We ended up losing in the championship game to a team whose team name was the Ledgers.  Fighting CPAs!  Actually the school was located on the edge of a bluff.  I like the idea of guys in suits and ties in hand to hand combat better.

Nick and Lindsay…ugh…I felt so bad for Nick and how he learned that she wanted to break up.  One of my exes broke up with me after my dad called her.  It was freaky because he found her number on my phone bill and called her to find out why I talked to her for 40 minutes one night and then 2 hours the next night.  Thanks, Dad.

Triva and Goofs: After Daniel and Ken get jumped, they talk to Lindsay’s father and Daniel touches him leaving a large, blood stained thumb print on his shirt. When they leave though, we see his shirt again and the stain is almost completely gone.

In the basketball scenes, a three-point line is visible even though college and high school basketball didn’t adopt the rule until near the end of the 80s. 

At the end of the basketball game, Todd Schellinger is fouled with no time on the clock. Since there is no time on the clock, the other team cannot get possession of the ball off of a missed shot. Therefore the foul shots should be shot without any players under the hoop, similar to a technical or flagrant foul shot. When Schellinger is shooting there are rebounders under the basket.

Music: “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas; “How Funky Is Your Chicken?” performed by McKinley High Cheerleaders; “Keep Yourself Alive” by Queen; “Everybody Wants Some” by Van Halen; “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent; “Do Ya Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)” by Joan Jett; “Hava Nagila,” sung by Samm Levine; “The Song Is Over” by The Who

Quotes:
Cindy: Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd?
Sam: Yeah.
Cindy: Well I don’t.
Sam: Really?
Cindy: It’s more like an obsession.

Daniel: These jocks think they’re such badasses. Like they cured cancer or something.

Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.
Bill: Yeah. Since lunch

Lindsay: Mom, did you just break up with my boyfriend?

Daniel: Man, I love the smell of gasoline (honestly, who doesn’t?)

Here’s the episode, I hope you enjoy.

What a great weekend!  Actually that was sarcasm.  I have to go into the hospital tomorrow because I am having a recurrence of something that was troubling me last year, the condition that the doctors were never able to diagnose.  I don’t know why I am going, probably to be reassured that I am not dying and also to get a possible blood transfusion.  Anyway sorry to be a bring down.  Here are the mash-ups.

This mash-up combines “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson with “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.  In the mash-up craze “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is the second most used song.  The only song used more would be “Without Me” by Eminem. 

“Hung Up” by Madonna mashed up with “Soul Meets Body” by Death Cab for Cutie.  I am always iffy on this one.  Maybe it is because I enjoy the work of DCFC and have not been a great Madonna fan.  Lately she terrifies me, but her song “Hung Up” was so good that I went out to buy the album, my only Madonna cd.

This mash-up is crazy.  It takes Snoop Dogg’s “Drop it Like it’s Hot” and mashes it with “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin.  I love the Zeppelin song that is used because it reeks of pure unadulterated sex and from what I hear in the Snoop Dogg song, he does the same thing.  Excellent work.

I hope you had a better weekend than myself.  Oh and if you missed them here’s my recent Celebrity Round-Up and this entry is something I unearthed about Race in Sports.

This certainly is enlightening.

Now, please excuse me because I must go practice the luge.

I had the perfect day planned.  I was going to call up J to see if he and wife and child may want to go eat at Old Baraboo Inn and then possibly look into seeing Inglorious Basterds.  Did that happen?  NO!  Last night for some odd reason my cellphone rings at 2:30.  I had to take my dad to the hospital for an appointment and while he was in the appointment, I checked out the crypotbank.  I was thinking of making a deposit but I have to wait two months without expelling any of my soldiers.  I figured I might as well get paid for it, not like I am using it for any good purposes.  So my mom and aunt also came along and that meant shopping.  I am glad I went because I went into a Petsmart and got a toy cigar for my cats.  It is filled with catnip and well one of my cats is a junkie.  She is just going nuts with it.  She bit me when I tried to take it away.  Then we ate a Chinese place and I think I got a touch of the food poisoning.  I came home and was thinking that I have about an hour or two but I crashed.  Ugh…some other time…ROUND UP!

Due to a recent Traci Bingham surgery, the World Health Organization announced that the world is officially out of silicone.

What the hell is Ruth Bader Ginsberg doing out of the courtroom and taking photos with guys in wife-beaters?  Wait, that’s not Ruthie?  It’s Steven Tyler of Aerosmith.  I would make a “Dude looks like a Lady” joke but he was seriously hurt and doesn’t look to be in the best of health.  I hope he gets better soon.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright have had a yo-yo marriage the past few years.  One minute they are happy and the next they are filing for divorce because he can’t keep his little Spicoli in his pants.  They reconciled recently and this week she filed for divorce.  This time it looks like it will stick.  They are already making conditions for custody and have agreed to no spousal support.  For her sake let’s hope this is true.

Robert Redford turned 73 this week.  I enjoy his work and his movie festival and his movie theater.  My next goal in dealing with Robert Redford?  I have to style my chest hair just like him.

Ricky Martin seriously loves his twin boys.  I mean he SERIOUSLY loves them.  Look at how serious he looks.  Also I have to say he has a pretty good body.  He shed that pregnancy weight in no time.  I guess dirty diapers and vomit do a body good.

Pam Anderson and Suzanne Sommers were spotted out on the prowl.  Why do I get the feeling that they are heading to a back alley to give hand-jobs for half-smoked joints?  It’s just another case of the blonde leading the blonde.

Meet The Vamp.  This is a sex toy inspired by the movie Twilight.  Now, wasn’t there some sort of abstinence message in Twilight?  Anyway the whole gimmick of this toy is that when you take it out in the light, it sparkles.  This is the actual catalog description: “Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.  Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.”  I think I just threw up a little.  Oh another question, aren’t most of the fans of this series underage and impressionable girls? 

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis are set to star in Darren Aronofsky’s new movie, Black Swan.  Early reports indicated that Natalie and Mila have an “angry and aggressive” sex scene together.  Well it looks like Black Swan is on my must see movie list for 2010.

Madonna turned 51 this week.  I hope that she has a happy birthday.  Wait…I bet you thought I was going to make a pussy joke. 

Lily Allen, please don’t cry for me.  I still love you and I am feeling somewhat better.  She actually hurt her back during a recent performance and her pain medicine wore off.  Maybe she needs Paula Abdul’s supplier but of course Lily doesn’t have time to visit a veterinarian.

So I am pulling out the Enquirer.  I saw the headline about Kirstie Alley.  You have to look closely to the headline to see the tiny print that says “experts predict”.  Kirstie has went off the handle and has encouraged her Twitter army to attack the Enquirer reporter that wrote the story.  She has also thrown out the Scientology term “fair game”, which is Scientology’s way of posting personal information about people that defame the cult.  Thus far Kirstie has posted this reporter’s phone number and address.  So the best thing to do would be to dismiss this but no, she has personally attacked people.  That says a lot about her “religion”.  The funny thing about her involvement in this pseudo-religion is that Kirstie isn’t really a full fledged member.  That’s according to the Scientology expert I have on retainer.  Don’t ask, I couldn’t tell you anyway.  The “church” only recognizes her as a parishioner and not a spokesperson or staff.  So basically Kirstie just has a big fat mouth to match her big fat body.

Here’s a little something for the ladies and maybe the guys.  Kenny Chesney announced that he was starting his own fashion line.  Let’s hope that he can design a quality shirt and that this line contains absolutely none of those shells he always wears.  I’m hopeful to see what he can come up with in terms of matching outfits for him and Peyton Manning.

Katy Perry recently admitted that when she was a little girl, she prayed to God to give her giant breasts.  It looks like God delivered the goods.  This leads me to a theological question:  why does God answer the prayers of a girl to give her big boobs yet he lets people in Africa starve to death?  This is beyond me, I think I will take that to a pastor.

This is Kanye West’s girlfriend Amber Rose.  She isn’t modest at all.  I was going to post the topless photos but oh well.  I am getting mellow in my old age and decrepit state.  I just need to find me a girl that will put up with me and wear something like that.

Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father.  I am shocked that he was able to reproduce given all the nut shots on Jackass.  Oh and prepare yourselves for a baby typhoon.  Not only is Johnny expecting but so are Jude Law, Colin Farrell, Kourtney Kardashian, and Celine Dion.  I was going to mention that baby machine in Tunisia but she was exposed to be a fraud and just some mental patient.  So with all the babies one the way….jizz the season.

Why are all these damn paparazzi following me?  Wait…that’s John Goodman.  It’s like I am looking in a mirror.  John is known for having a healthy appetite and here he appears to be satisfying that urge for whippets.

Jessica Simpson is being pushed to be a judge on American Idol.  I can’t sing, I take that back, I can’t sing like they sing on that show.  But I am going to try out if she is a judge because I have two secret weapons: Twinkies and MORE TWINKIES!  With those two weapons I am guaranteed a victory.

Holy crap!  Jennifer Anniston still has a fan!  HA-HA!

Speaking of fans, does Fabio always carry one with him wherever he goes?  Seriously, dude, give us regular guys a chance.

I don’t have a Twitter account but this photo is making me consider jumping aboard the Twitter train.  For some reason Courtney Love posted this photo on her Twitter.  Honestly, the only reason I want to get Twitter is so I can follow her craziness.

Brad Pitt said that since he has kids he no longer does any illegal substances.  Well, Quentin Tarantino came along and said on the Howard Stern show that Brad smoked a lot of pot during the filming of Inglorious Basterds.  When they wrapped up filming, Brad gave Quentin a block of hash.  Wow, he may not be a saint after all.  Q also said that Brad smoked pot like an 8th grader which meant that he smoked it out of a Coke can….so many memories.  You would think that with all the money he commands for a movie that Brad would have a solid gold bong.

Alyssa Milano got married last weekend.  It started off as an elegant wedding.  She wore a Vera Wang dress and walked down the aisle to John Lennon’s “Imagine”.  The reception took a strange turn.  Guests were seated on rattan furniture and hay bales were used as cocktail tables.  The economy must be hitting her pretty hard.

I always thought it would suck to be one of Britney Spears’ bodyguards.  I mean you have to put up with her kids running around and pissing and crapping everywhere, her constant smoking, the late night Cheeto cravings, mood swings, and the Taco Bell demands.  But you know what, this is what makes it all worthwhile.

Britney Spears was on Letterman this week and she offered a Top Ten List.  I was upset because she didn’t mention Cheetos, Taco Bell, or Pall Malls.  Here is the list, typed and not in video form because apparently the people over at CBS don’t like their intellectual property being shared on youtube.
10. I’d be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo
8. Free pie for everybody
7. My situation room would be a cabana at the Palms Casino in Vegas
6. I’d lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance “Circus Fantasy?
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by end of decade
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me.

You know what?  She’d make a better candidate than Palin.

This has to be the best headline involving Britney Spears that doesn’t involve her physically.

Producers have approached Amy Winehouse to appear on the UK’s version of Dancing with the Stars.  Amy Winehouse + live TV = PURE BRILLIANCE!  Amy needs her own TV network to follow her 24/7 escapades.

In sad reality show news, Ryan Jenkins, of Megan Wants a Millionaire, is sought for the murder of his wife Jasmine Fiore.  This story has been all over the media and I will spare you all the details.  He meets this girl Jasmine in Las Vegas and they are married two days later.  Strange stuff.  I hope this guy is caught and it’s not because of the show.  He seemed like such a manipulative douche on that show and I couldn’t stand him.  VH-1 will be suspending the airing of the rest of the season of Megan Wants a Millionaire.  The funny thin is, he is probably one of the finalists which means he is in every show.  Also, immediately after filming of Megan Wants a Millionaire, he was on the next installment of I Love Money.  See this exposes VH-1 for how far in advance they film their shows.  Ryan’s friends have came out and said that he won the whole thing.  Right now VH-1 hasn’t announced any plans for that series but I suspect that they will never air the series or possibly just film another season.  This is creepy and I have a sneaking suspicion that he will not be caught because he is in Canada and they will not extradite people who are facing capital crimes.  Also this Ryan’s father owns a private jet and the last I heard, it was missing.

Well that is all for this week.  I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend.