This afternoon and evening was quite interesting.  I fell asleep in the afternoon.  I don't know why.  I seem to get plenty of sleep but I just crashed.  I don't know what I was dreaming about but it must have been fun because I woke up and there was an empty bottle of beer and an empty bag of chips next to me.  I hope I am not sleepwalking especially since I woke up completely naked.

After that I turned on the weather because I noticed some weird colors in the sky.  Tornadoes!  I found it funny that a day after Brett Favre signed with the Vikings, Minneapolis gets hit with tornadoes.  God truly hates the Vikings.  Favre will lead them to a stellar 8-8 season.

So with all these tornado watches and warnings out I decided to get out my cat kennels just in case I had to go to the basement.  I also made some salsa.  All the ingredients except lime juice came from my garden.  I used purple, orange, and red tomatoes; purple and green bell peppers; a big red jalapeno; and some red onions.  It was pretty good.

Is there nothing in this world as annoying as those Dell Computer commercials featuring the son "Lollipop"?

I then sat down to read the local weekly papers.  I saw a commercial proclaiming that a new season of Top Chef began tonight so I watched that.  It was boring.  I fell asleep and then I hear what I think is someone breaking down my door.  I quick grab my glock and investigate.  My cats were playing in their kennels and had knocked them over.  After that I had to check out Xanga.

A long time ago I posted photos of rejected children's books.  Well here are some I just found.  The sad thing is that one of those 8 books is real.

BUSTED!  And in case you were wondering the real book was the Cookie Monster book.  Apparently they didn't worry about jets flying into the World trade center in 1976.

The only name on Minnesota news TV other than Brett Favre....Dixie Normous...Dick's Enourmous!  I wasn't feeling that tall today until I laid down...let that settle in.

IT'S WORKING!

No one likes to talk about Larry the Cable Guy's cable installation seminars.

Some Xangan today asked for boobs....I found this one featuring a computer crash airbag system.

Will he ever go away?

That is so ghet-tow...dang, I actually see the family members mentioned in my last post doing that.

Jon Gosslein should be made an honorary saint. 

I WOULD SO WATCH THE HILLS IF THAT WAS THE TITLE! LOL LMAO OMG FTW!

And in honor of the season premire of Top Chef: Las Vegas

It's so true!  Tonight there were many scallops.  They should ban the scallop but I could seethe cehfs shitting themselves because they wouldn't know what to cook.

Good night and good luck.

I asked a question in my posts today.  It was "By what age should a child be fully potty-trained?"  The question is based on my weekend.  No, I didn't revert to an infantile state.  It is my cousin.  To keep from writing a long winded post, I'll just simplify things.  He just turned 5 years old and he isn't potty-trained.  After his birthday party, he went up to his mother for a hug and he pissed on her.  WTF?  We went out for brunch on Sunday morning and he got out of his chair and stood and took a crap in his pants.  It's not that he can't or that he is different or what have you, it's his parents.  They are lazy as fuck.  They pawn him off on everyone so they can go around and lead their creepy lifestyle of Wii and puppetry at a Schwarmerei church (thank you Martin Luther).  Anyway, they also have one of my aunts living with them and she pays their bills and rent on a lakefront house.  They live off her pension and social security.  Basically she is the kid's mother.  It just pissed me off so much.  Oh and to make matters worse.  The father asked me dad to spot him some money because the party threw was quite expensive and he needed to make ends meet.  He asked on Saturday evening and when we went over Sunday morning to meet for breakfast, I noticed that they bought new games for their Wii; ganes which totaled the amount of money my dad gave them.  How do I know it was his money?  I just figure since they left the recepit next to the game system and it had been purchased that evening.  There is just so much more that I could write about but I don't want to aggrivate things and they are family so I am obligated to love them.  I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer.  It exploded tonight when my mom took me out for ribs.  They came in a big metal bucket and were all you can eat, all for the low price of $10.  Ribs make me happy.

Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Well I hope you are now motivated.  I actually am cooling off.  My blood pressure rises when I think of what my cousins are doing to their child and their mother, my aunt. 

40 years ago...I am somewhat anxious to see that movie about Woodstock.

Völker, hört die Signale!

OK so it isn't Monday.  Yesterday, Xanga was working poorly and I couldn't upload any music or photos.  It actually started on Sunday when I got home from Illinois.  Speaking of my trip, it was alright but my family left a bitter taste in my mouth.  I can't believe I am related to those people.  Strange question: by what age should a a child be fully potty-trained?  After I get a few answers I will post a story and maybe I will have to write about my time there in a separate post. 

Here's the music:

This mash-up is insane.  When I first saw the songs used, I thought no way would it work.  Strangely enough I was wrong and it does work.  Who knew "Mama Mia" by ABBA could work so well with "Freak on a Leash" by Korn?

I didn't quite feel this was a mash-up at first.  It combines "Shut Up" by The Ting Tings with "Hot in Here" by Nelly.  I guess they matched up so well, I couldn't tell.

I adore this mash-up.  It takes "Live Your Life" by T.I. and Rihanna and combines it with Vampire Weekend's "A-Punk".  I miss mainstream ska.

I need to find some Sinatra mash-ups.

Previously on Freaks and Geeks:  Pilot, Beers and Weirs, Tricks and Treats, Kim Kelly is My Friend, Tests and Breasts, I'm with the Band, Carded and Discarded

The episode, Girlfriends and Boyfriends, was directed by Lesli Linka Glatter and was written by Paul Feig.

Episode Summary: Lindsay reluctantly agrees to come over to Nick's house while his parents are out of town. Sam hopes to become lab partners with Cindy, but becomes jealous when Bill is named Cindy's lab partner.

Another excellent episode.  Lindsay and Nick continue to grow closer but Lindsay begins to realize that there isn't much to Nick.  I had a friend in high school that had the same problem with her boyfriend.   All he wanted to do was drink, smoke pot, and play basketball.  Occasionally he did all three at the same time.  She came to me and asked what to do and I always suggested she should break up with the guy.  Eventually she did and the guy turned into a goth.  That was hilarious.  He went from a wannabe gangsta rapper to a goth.  Teens are so stupid.  I should know because at one time I was a teen. 

Speaking of stupid, Sam's story in which he looks for ways to impress Cindy Sanders.  I just couldn't get into why he would do that.  I mean Bill explained that she "cut the cheese" in front of him.  I don't know how I would deal with that.  I was in a restaurant a few weeks ago and a lady ripped one as she stood up and tried to explain that her leather shoes were new.  After she said that I burst out laughing and could not stop.  She turned red and left.  Sam joined the yearbook committee to win Cindy's attention.  I guess I shouldn't harrass Sam for doing that because my high school didn't really have clubs other than one called Pro-Life Knights(self-explanatory), WINGS(anti-smoking and anti-drinking group) and yearbook.  They always met during the time when there were sports and policy at our school was you could only be in one group per season.  I am sort of glad my school didn't have groups otherwise I may have been subjected to horrible posters throughout the school.  The Pro-Life Knights would post photos of aborted fetuses throughout the school building including the multi-purpose room which we used for chapel, cafeteria, semester and finals, award banquets, and a meeting place before and after school.  It was great to see this fetus in the lunchline with a headline: He could have cured cancer.   I also remember the guy who looked like the character in Freaks and Geeks named Harris would try to start a group every so often.  He would go around with petitions.  I actually signed one because I thought it was great.  It was for film making and film appreciation.  He also wanted to start a Dr. Who club and a They Might Be Giants club.  Anyway, look for Sam to continue his attempts to win Cindy's attention by joining her groups in a future episode, an episode which features the greatest actor in the history of film...according to a 12 year old girl over at Yahoo Answers. 

I forgot to mention that you should look for three awkward moments revolving around Lindsay's story.  First, Nick sings to her.  I have sung to my girlfriends before but it never worked in fact one time she asked me to sing her to sleep and ended up laughing at me.  Second, Mr. Rosso talks sex with Lindsay.  I can relate because of a talk a pastor had with my class in grade school.  He spoke in the third person and said, "Pastor W. and Mrs. W have a very fulfilling sex life."  That was it, I tuned out for the rest of the class period.  Finally, watch for the most awkward sex talk parents have ever had with a child. I am so thankful that my parents never had "the talk" with me.  My dad would leave out Hustlers and Penthouses and I guess they figured that was good enough.  The closest we ever had a talk was one day my dad was driving a few friends and I somewhere and we were talking about how they were teaching us the 6th Commandment.  Well my dad asks, "What did they teach?"  "Sex before marriage is a sin."  "Well I guess me and my wife were sinners."  OMFGIH!!!!  I didn't speak to him for 2 weeks after that.

Notes: R.F. Daley, the real-life father of star John Francis Daley (Sam), appears as the yearbook teacher in this episode.

Seth Rogen does not appear in this episode.

The Sackie's fast food restaurant in episode "Girlfriends and Boyfriends" is actually a Wendy's.

Quotes:
Sam: Cindy is not abnormal.
Bill: Yeah? She cut the cheese.
Neal: Oh my God.
Sam: That's not funny.
Bill: I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.
Sam: Well, some chairs make weird noises.What kind of a chair was it?
Bill: I don't know. Vinyl?
Sam: Vinyl chairs always squeak.
Bill: It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Mrs. Weir: [speaking to Lindsay about her virginity] Honey, tell her about Korea.
Mr. Weir: Korea? Well, one day I went to Seoul on a weekend pass and I went to this bar, and I had a few to many. And I followed a couple of my buddies to the Red Light District...
Mrs. Weir: Your fathers first time wasn't special and he's always regreted it.
Mr. Weir: It was the worst five dollars I've ever spent. And I wish I could get those five dollars back!

Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don't you have something to do?
Daniel: Right. But I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats

Lindsay: Mr. Rosso, Nick and I are just friends.
Mr. Rosso: Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock.

Mr. Kowchevksi: All right, kids, hurry to class. Last one to class, first one on welfare. It's your choice. (I wanted to use this line with my students when I taught high school)

Music: "Whipping Post" by the Allman Brothers Band; "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by Journey; "Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues; "Lady" by Styx(with some help from Jason Segel)

Well, here is the episode.  Enjoy!

I am wondering if I should review another TV series once this one is finished.  I was thinking Rome, Deadwood, The Shield, Band of Brothers, or Bullshit.

I came across this list whilst looking through the groups to which former students belong.  One student had joined a group on facebook called "I Enjoy the Hidden Benefits of Smoking".  I joined and two minutes later he left.  I used to smoke cigars and cigarettes.  My cigarette habit at its highest was one pack every two weeks, that was a difficult summer.  My cigar habit...during the school year it was two a day.  I have been smoke free since July 3rd of 2007.  Anyway here is an edited list.  I originally posted this when Xanga was being overrun with ads from Truth.  I found it odd that an anti-smoking campaign was funded by a tobacco company.  Also this weekend I went away and I get back there are all these posts about smoking so I thought I had to fit in...peer pressure is a bitch.  Oh and while in Illinois I saw some signs outside all restaurants saying that they banned smoking and people were not allowed to smoke within a 15 foot radius of the entrance, and I can imagine some of those hardcore anti-smoking people taking otu their tape measures to make sure they were outside the 15 feet.  Anti-smoking...now that is Nazism since the Nazi regime was the first world government to institute smoking bans. 

1. Being able to start conversation with strangers by asking "hey, can I get a light? 2. Being the envy of every homeless person and getting the satisfaction of telling them "sorry, I’m all out" when they ask to bum a smoke. 3. Having the ability to leave any boring or uncomfortable situation by saying "oh yea I’m just gonna step outside for a smoke". 4. Getting that little extra kick after smoking pot. 5. Blowing smoke in peoples faces when they give you that nasty "you're poisoning my air" look. 6. Having a few cigarettes in place of a meal when the food is just so god awful terrible. 7. Being united and bonded with other smokers because you all feel like prisoners of war huddled in a little smoking section or out in the cold, rainy weather. 8. Being able to stay awake all night through constant chain smoking. 9. Revealing hidden laser traps like those in Metal Gear Solid. 10. Feeling truly European while visiting Europe. 11. Being super classy because you're doing what EVERY single movie star, business mogul, famous musician, military hero, and great politician did from 1920-1950. 12. Supporting fine American corporations like Altria Group and RJ Reynolds, which donate millions of dollars to various charities, the Federal government, and schools. 13. Always having a lighter on hand, because then if you get lost in the wilderness, you can make a survival fire while the other non-smokers freeze to death rubbing sticks together. 14. Burning perfectly round holes into paper, especially in photographs of people you plan to off. 15. Being able to enjoy many delicious combinations, such as alcohol and cigarettes, weed and cigarettes, blow and cigarettes, food and cigarettes, coffee & cigarettes, etc. 16. Having a much more practical means of masking the weed smell of a recently hot-boxed car, rather than using axe or Lysol. 17. Feeling fucking amazing when you have a cigarette right after sex. 18. Feeling older, more sophisticated, and more badass than your peers if you smoked cigarettes in junior-high. 19. Second hand smoke=second hand coolness; smoking=source of coolness.   20.  Smoking gives you something to do on those long drives.   21.  Smoking lets you join an exclusive, cooler, more mature club.   22.  Can appreciate blues and jazz music all the more when smoking.    23.  Helps you control appetite.   24.  Don’t have to do as much work as non-smokers because you get smoke breaks.   25.  Don’t have to wait at restaurants because the smoking section is never full.   26.  When you smoke, you never have to worry about constipation.   27.  When you smoke, there are less mosquitoes around you.(So true, I lived in Minnesota where the mosquito is the state bird.)   28.  If you frown while smoking street gangs will fear you (unless they are smoking).   29.  Smoking turns boys into men and men into legends.   30.  Smoking gives you the ability to attract better looking, mature women.   31.  Flicking cigarettes at people who annoy you is cooler than shouting at them.   32.  Cigarette smoking has been medically proven to off-set the effects of Parkinson’s Disease, ease the effects of OCD, and chemically reduce stress.   33.  Cigarette smoke dissolves cholesterol.    34.  Cigarette smoke helps get rid of those pesky leaches that stick to your legs after swimming in one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes.   35.  Smoking makes you impervious to harsh climates.  (I quit smoking and now I complain about the weather) 36.  Our president smokes and how cool is he? 37.  The Nazis instituted smoking bans.  You wouldn't want to be like Hitler, would ya?

I am back with another round-up.  I have nothing much to say other than I am suffering from asthma attacks because there is this damn professional tractor pull outside of town and the fumes are coming into my house.  The website for the event sounds sort of fishy.  It's charitypull.com.  That sounds like an act performed by a hooker for a discount.  Anyway on to the round-up.

I had some sad news today.  Reno 911 was canceled.  I loved that mess.  Well I guess this means that Lieutenant Dangle won't be dangling out of those shorts anymore.

Miley Cyrus performed at the Teen Choice awards.  She brought out a stripper pole to aid her performance.  Why incorporate a stripper pole in an act that is geared for 10 to 14 year old girls?  WTF are we doing to our kids?

Here is the rest of the Cyrus clan outside of the Teen Choice awards.  Noah, Miley's 9 year old sister, did a performance just like her big sister but more on that later.  I have on good sources that Noah is a huge Ramones fan and she listens to them all day while sitting in her room and wearing her Che Gueverra shirt.  Or maybe she just bought them at Target because old bands and political icons are fashionable even if the kids have no idea who they are or what they did.

This is Mallika Sherawat.  She is in Inglorious Basterds.  MUST SEE INGLORIOUS BASTERDS!  Now I need alone time.

WTF?  Levi Johnston and Kathy Griffin showed up as a couple for the Teen Choice awards and the next night they were on the Larry King Show.  I bet Sarah Palin didn't see this one coming on that back porch.  Levi is quickly becoming the K-Fed of the Arctic.

Les Paul, the Wizard of Waukesha, died this week at the age of 94.  If it wasn't for this guy there wouldn't be anything called Rock 'N Roll.  He basically invented the electric guitar.He also came up with multi-track recording so that musicians could record their music and then sing over it on tape.  The music world owes this guy so much.  Les will be greatly missed.  He will definitely be missed in Waukesha.  I only knew two things in Waukesha and one was Les Paul and the other was a bar called The House of Guinness.  That place was awesome except one night when I was there the former and may I say washed up keyboard player from the Violent Femmes did a show.  I was there with a bachelor party and besides us, the staff and the performer, Sigmund Snopek the Third, there were only five people there and I think 2 of those were friends of Snopek.  Anyway he sucked and he ruined a traditional Irish bachelor party.  So many stories.

After the success of the Transformers movies and G.I. Joe movie, it was announced this week that a LEGO movie was in the works.  I wish they made the MASK movie before this.  I bet it will be a success.  What's next?  A movie about Lincoln Logs?  Erecter Sets?  Well I guess I wouldn't mind seeing a movie based on some toys but then you'd have to ask about that.

Larry King and his wife Shawn Southwick recently celebrated an anniversary.  Because Larry is 75 years old and has had heart problems, Shawn dials 9 and 1 right before they have sex and leaves the phone off the hook just in case.

I warned Khloe "The Hulk" Kardashian about not wearing that outfit out in public.  But no she went ahead and wore that zebra print.  Right after this photo was taken The Hulk was shot at by a big game hunter who was in hunting zebras.  I was going to make a joke about Khloe being mounted but that would give me nightmares.

Katherine Heigl recently complained about filming The Ugly Truth.  In one scene she has to wear vibrating underwear.  Well they did about 35 takes so she said that she had 35 orgasms and that it was horrible.  You know...you just can't please some people. 

Jessica Simpson is supposedly now dating Colt Brennan of the Washington Redskins.  The Redskins are the archrivals of the Dallas Cowboys, the team of Jessica's ex, Tony Romo.  So she goes from a starter to teh third string.  She goes from an all-pro to a guy who had the state of Hawaii on his hair.  Way to go, Jess!  It is also rumored that the reason Tony broke up with her is because she is a drunk and wouldn't seek treatment.  She would get drunk and then make a fool of herself and tony.  Cowboys management urged him to end the relationship.  Oh this season should be fun.

Jennifer Hudson finally confirmed the pregnancy rumors by giving birth to a boy whom she named after the father David Daniel.  I am a bit jilted that they didn't name him after his father's reality show name, Punk.  Jennifer and Punk said that they would get married at a later date but before that they have some things they want to achieve.  Oh yeah, he's trying to get into the WWE.  Maybe they will get married when he wins the championship. 

Here's something for the ladies.  Even though he looks like that, Jack Nicholson probably gets more women in one week than most men get int their entire life.  Woe is me.

Heidi and Spencer made a debut of her Playboy cover at the premier of the G.I. Joe movie.  How classy!  In the magazine there are actual words and Spencer said, "Life with Heidi is like 24/7 porn but without the obnoxious charges."  What?  Who pays for porn?  Spencer can't do anything right.  Heidi went on to say that she wasn't sexual before she met Spencer and now it is something she looks forward to.  Something Spencer is looking forward to is in the interview Heidi said Spencer enjoys her fake breasts and she plans on making them bigger.  How clASSy!  Oh and I think porn would be better than sex with Heidi because with porn you can always press teh mute button.  If you want to see the pictures for free, here they are.  The site is NSFW but the pics actually appear that they could be safe.

Guess the ass!  This Milwaukee native was a hot up and coming starlet and then she disappeared but now she is back in a big way.  Heather Graham.

A while back I mentioned that there was going to be a movie made about the Three Stooges.  Shortly after I posted that, Sean Penn dropped out of the cast.  Then they replaced him with Paul Giamanti.  So it would have been Benecio del Torro as Moe, Paul Giamanti as Larry and Jim Carrey as Curly.  Well, Carry realized that the movie was shit so he just dropped out of production.  I think they should just drop the movie before Curly starts doing his spinning move in the grave.

This is Alessandra Ambrosio.  She is eating an ice cream cone. Umm...ugh...homina homina homina...I need some alone time.  You know sometimes I feel as dirty as mancouch but at least I have expanded my horizon to women other than Megan Fox.

This is Ali Lohan.  She is Lindsay's 15 year old sister.  How can a 15 year old look like a cocktail waitress from the airport Hilton motel?  Better yet can a girl be jailbait and a cougar at the same time?


And now for the name dropping portion of the round-up.  Dave Coulier is a friend of mine over on the facebook.  For some reason Dave thought it would be a great joke to buy a large sized bra and reunite with the cast of Full House and have them sign the bra which he would then auction on his site.  Too bad Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky weren't there.  Top left...Kimmy Gibbler signs on Uncle Joey's head.  Top right...Danny Tanner feels up the bra.  Bottom right...Stephanie Tanner signs, wow, she is looking great since she lost 170lbs of deadbeat husband.  Bottom left...DJ Tanner signs on her kid's head.  I don't think her brother would approve because he looked at his WWJD bracelet and he knew he wouldn't do that.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck gave birth to a baby boy this week.  He was named Isaiah Timothy.  He weighed 7lbs 6oz.  Now the strange coincidence is that the baby weighed the same amount as View co-host, Sheri Shephhard's lunch.

Cheech Marin married his Russian girlfriend last weekend.  It was quite the event.  The flower girl came out throwing buds into the crowd.  The bride's dress was made out of hemp.  After the wedding everyone feasted on Funyuns, Taco Bell' 7 layer burritos, and cake, lots of cake piled high with frosting oh yeah and Faygo.

This is Carla Bruni.  She is one of two FLIFs in the world.  Let that sink in for a while.  To understand, you may have to look up who she is.

Brooks and Dunn made an announcement this week.  They are changing their band name to Brooks and Done.  Yes, they are splitting up because they said that they just don't have any more material they can write.  What?  Does this mean there will never be another song about drinking beer?  If they split up, I think that would be the case.  I mean they write songs about drinking and some brewery made a novelty beer called Beer 30 and it has taken off.  My local liquor store can't keep it on the shelves.  Why am I doing a report on country music?  It seemed like a slow week.

Just when I thought Amy Winehouse couldn't get any sexier, she decides to go out in public and suck her thumb.  It has also been rumored that Amy started a facebook account for her cat and she has made comments on her ex-husband's account.  In Amy's defense, she probably has done so many drugs that have fried her brain she probably thinks that the cat is telling her what to type. 

Britney Spears' kid has felt her up twice as much as I have.  Britney was being interviewed this week and her oldest son interrupted by saying "shit" repeatedly.  She ignored the child as the interviewer sat back in horror.  Britney can't be bothered with her children swearing.  I mean she has to worry about how she is going to get her next batch of Cheetos.

Britney Spears is such a southern belle.  With all the money she spends on make-up and stylists, this is the best she could do.  Maybe it is time to go somewhere other than Walmart for beauty supplies.

Video Section
Here's Miley's performance from the Teen Choice Awards

Not to be outdone, Miley's little sister, Noah, worked the pole as well.  We need a word for this...prostitots?

Dane Cook actually made a funny joke at the expense of everyone's favorite sexting celebrity, Vanessa Hudgens.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I will be gone.  I have to take care of some family business in Chicago-land this weekend.  I still have to go find a pair of mechanix gloves.  The K-mart didn't have them in my size.  No I am not going to sort out waste management disputes.  It's a birthday party.  If you write an awesome post and you want me to read, send me a link.  Hopefully I'll be back on Sunday.

I was going to post last night but I was too amped up.  You see someone somewhat picked a fight with me.  I ran into some former co-workers while shopping at Walmart.  My friend Steve and I had so much fun just observing this couple.  The wife, we called her Mel-kind, because she looked like a male professional wrestler named Mick Foley but without the beard.  I think she also had some of the same mannerisms as him and the same wardrobe.  The husband, we called him the dope king.  The guy loved his weed.  I don't think he was ever not high.  I still remember the night when he almost ran me over in his minivan.  I was walking down an alley to go into a bar.  Well he slams on the brakes missing me by a half foot, opens his door and billowing clouds of pot smoke coming rolling out of his car.  "Hey...man...I'm so fucked up."  As the smoke cleared I looked in the back and there were their two children, one of which by the age of 9 had already committed major acts of arson.  "Yeah, man, do you want to watch our kids for the weekend?  Me and the old lady are gonna celebrate our anniversary in style.  I got a case of Corona to help me get a bona."  "No, I can't help."  "Damn, man, I was really looking forawrd to quality time with the old lady.  You know she ain't got her teeth."  Yes, that was the Dope King's bragging point; his wife had no teeth.  I understand how that could be a fun thing but 5 minutes of pleasure does not outweigh a lifetime of HAVING NO FUCKING TEETH.  Anyway they remembered me and I was surprised because I figured their brains had been fried.  I was holding a Tony Stewart hat for my cousin because he likes the NASCAR and Tony Stewart.  The Dope King doesn't like Tony Stewart.  "You piece shit...holding a piece of shit's hat."  "Oh this isn't for me, it's for my cousin who likes Tony Stewart." "Well your cousin's a piece of shit."  He wasn't joking.  He was agitated.  I got out of there in a hurry.

Anyway here are this week's links.

#1.  I enjoy the LOLCats and I also enjoy forums and I think that Metallica's black album is quite excellent.  This post features all three. 

#2.  Here is another forum.  It goes on like this for a long time.

#3.  In a tribute to Michael Jackson, these people made an eternal moonwalk.  You send in a video of you doing the moonwalk and they add it so that it will never stop.  I have to say that is a nice memorial.

#4.  Sometimes when an actor becomes famous for a particular role, he or she gets typecasted.  Here is a list of some of the worst cases of typecasting in Hollywood.  It also contains some people who escaped being typecasted.

#5.  Because Megan Fox acts and looks like a whore, here is a soundboard of Megan Fox sex sounds.

#6.  Ladies, are you having a bad day?  Well I was thinking of trying to cheer you.  Ask yourself, "Who is the cutest?"

#7.  You know, who are we to disagree with him?  I mean the guy was a former U.S. president.  I wonder if that would work for me if I were to say I am William Taft.

#8.  Have you ever wondered what happens if the photographer forgets to say "cheese" before taking a photo?  Well you get the happiest people ever and I think I should say they use the term happy loosely.

#9.  How many people out there have ever been a best man or maid of honor in a wedding party?  I was a best man in my friend Steve's wedding.  I gave a speech.  I made people cry.  I AM THE MAN!  Anyway I am just thankful I didn't make this list of the worst best man speeches caught on tape.

#10.  Here's a step-by-step guide to find anything on the internet.  It's so complicated.

#11.  Do you like pizza?  Do you hate how small the frozen pizzas are these days?  Well here is a recipe to make a 7lb pizza that is 4 and a half inches deep.  I feel my arteries hardening already.

#12.  I remember when I was a kid being told that if you ever looked at a clock and it said 11:11 you were to make a wish.  Well this website takes it a step further in a crazier direction.

#13.  2012 is fast approaching.  Here are 5 things you probably didn't know about the year 2012.  I love that Coast to Coast AM is capitalizing on the 2012 craze.  That show is insane.

#14.  OH MY GOD!  I pray that I never put in the situation where I would have to give myself a circumsicion with a set of nailclippers.  Oh wait...next.

#15.  This is the greatest website of all time...now, who can tell me where that is from?

Jessica...the mere mention of her name makes my heart skip a beat. 

 

She was the only girl who had complete ownership of my heart.

 

I met her one summer one summer while I was working at my dead-end job at a gift shop in a tourist trap.  I was having a horrible day, probably because it was nearing triple digits and my boss had this thing about always having store doors open because otherwise people would think we were closed and take money elsewhere.  He was correct; people are idiots like that. 

 

I was unloading a shipment of t-shirts.  I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t hear her walk into the store.  Checking off the items must have made me deaf because I didn’t hear her footsteps. 

 

“Ahem”…she cleared her throat to get my attention.

 

I didn’t even look up as I replied, “Yes?”

 

“Are you open?”

 

I chuckled because I realized that just because the store doors were closed she thought we weren’t opened and so I said, “Yes.”

 

She didn’t understand why I chuckled and she asked, “What’s so funny?”

 

I started talking as I looked up to meet her eyes.  All I got out of my mouth was, “Well you see…”  And then I locked eyes with her eyes and I was lost.  I drowned in those sparkling pools of mystery.  She giggled.  I stammered and tried to get to my feet but one of my legs had “fallen asleep” and I hobbled.  She giggled harder.  I should have been on my knees worshipping this goddess.  That first image of Jessica still burns in my memory but not as much as the last.

 

“Sorry, it’s been a long day and I have been asked that question about a hundred times.”

 

“Well you could have a sign that says you are open.”  After that sentence she flashed me a smile and it made me melt.  My brain turned to goop.

 

“Yeah I suppose I should.” 

 

“How much longer is your shift?”

 

“Let’s see, I’ve been hear since 9 this morning, it’s 7PM and I start college on August 20^th so I’m finished August 20^th.”  God, I am such a fool but she laughed.

 

“That’s too bad, I was hoping a local could show me and my friends around tonight.”

 

“Well I can sleep when I am dead.”

 

“That’s creepy.”

 

“Ah, yeah but you have to forgive me because I haven’t had any sleep since the week before finals.”

 

“OK, I forgive you.”  She then flashes me that smile and then asked, “When do you close?”

 

“Midnight.”

 

“I’ll be back by 11:30.”

 

I didn’t quite understand what was so special about our first conversation.  I wasn’t on my game.  Yet, she showed up as I was getting ready to close.  In fact according to my watch it was 11:25.  I closed in record time.  She then said, “I think we have a problem.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“I’m only 20.”

 

“Well I’ll just say you’re my wife and that way you can be in the bar.”

 

We went in and that was our plan.  It worked and truth be told that even after only knowing this girl a few hours it did feel like she was my spouse.  There was this indescribable instant connection.  It wasn’t what you would call love at first sight but I just felt this instant bond. 

 

After a few drinks Jessie said, “I think I better get back to the motel otherwise my friends may worry.”

 

I drove her to the Polynesian hotel and I thought that was nice because it was on my way home.  I pulled into a parking space and didn’t quite know how to say goodbye.  I mean we had this connection and I wouldn’t ever see her again.

 

“So do you want to come in?”

 

“Well…ugh…I…um…”

 

“I thought you said that you were an English minor.  I figured that meant you could answer a simple question.”

 

“Yes?”

 

We walked to her suite.  Her friends were inside and had been drinking. 

 

“Jess, where were you?  We’ve been worried.”

 

“My husband here took me out for a couple of drinks.”

 

“Like in a bar?”

 

“Yeah…in a bar.”

 

We sat around that night talking and exchanging the first time pleasantries.  It was amazing how we just clicked.  Her friends started getting sleepy so Jessie suggested we go to the lobby to continue talking.

 

I think that was the greatest conversation I have had in my life.  Time stopped.  We got to know each other.  And then I noticed the sunrise.  I had work in a couple of hours and she had to get ready to leave return home.  We exchanged phone numbers and like a fool I held out my hand as if to shake.  She laughed and reached up and hugged me.  I wrapped around and hugged back.  The hug then turned into a deep passionate kiss.  Her lips sent electric shocks throughout every inch of my body.

 

I felt someone else there and sure enough there was some one getting the continental breakfast ready.  We broke the kiss and both looked at each other and said, “Wow!”

 

I walked backwards waving goodbye thinking I would never see her again but I was wrong.  A few hours into my shift, I see the goddess return.  She went on and on about this strange connection that she felt she had with me and how she didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye again.  We embraced and our lips locked.  Looking down into her eyes as we kissed told me this girl was special. 

 

She came back a couple days later and stayed with me for the rest of that summer.  I finally felt complete after having some really bad relationships.  Jessie was the one…The One. 

 

Things got rocky when I had to move back to college and Jessie returned to her college.  We both looked at ways to be closer to each other.  My school offered only two majors and neither of those was Jessie’s emphasis.  Her school had some of the program in which I was majoring but I wouldn’t be able to finish at the same school.  She decided the best bet was to transfer to a school about a half hour from where I went and that way we would be closer and wouldn’t be separated by 6 hours.

 

The weekends were fun.  We traded off.  I went to see her one weekend and then the next she would come see me.  Everything was going great.  Around the first of November I get a phone call from Jessie.  She was crying.  I asked what was wrong and she said that she wouldn’t be able to see me at Thanksgiving because she was expected to go see family in California.  I said that as long as we held each other in our hearts then we would be together.  I still here her response: “Oh…Matt, I love you with all my heart.  You know, I still tell people you are my husband.”  I took that to heart and the next day bought an engagement ring, which I had planned to give Jessie at Christmas.

 

I didn’t give her the ring at Christmas.  The weekend before Thanksgiving, Jessie came to see me and also to look for apartments and jobs for her move.  That was one of the best weekends ever.  I was so drunk on her love and affection that she gave me, a love I have yet to experience all these years later. 

 

I prepared a speech to ask for her hand in marriage but I couldn’t get the words right.  I also wanted it to be in a romantic place but I settled for something intimate like my bedroom and my couch. 

 

We were watching some movie.  I was bored with it but it had captured Jessie’s attention.  We were all curled up together on my couch and I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. 

 

“What was that for?”

 

“Oh I felt like I needed to show gratitude to the greatest girl in the world.  You have to be the greatest to put up with me and it’s more than put up.  You actually give a damn about me.  I love you.”

 

“Aww…I love you too.”

 

“Jess, we’ve been together for a while now and I suppose this makes me a bad boyfriend that I don’t know the exact amount of time but I was wondering about how you might want me to ask you to marry you.  Like, where would you want me to pop the question?”

 

“I don’t know.  What are you talking about?”

 

“Would you want me to ask you in a public place like a restaurant or something intimate like her in my bedroom?”

 

“I guess I’d rather have the intimate because I wouldn’t want all those people staring.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  So what would you want me to say?”

 

“I guess how much you love me and how I would complete you and you want to be with me forever.”

 

“So…Jessica, you are the most amazing woman I have ever known and the love you have shown me has made me into a new man.  I love you with all my heart and soul.  You were put on this earth for me.  Nothing can separate us because we are meant to be.  You and me, forever, Jessie…and then ask you for marriage?”

 

“Aw…you are going to make me cry.”

 

“Well it is how I feel.  So after I say that, then what would you want me to do?”

 

“I suppose show me the ring.”

 

I reached behind my couch and grabbed the ring box.  “How about a ring like this?”

 

“OH MY GOD!  ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

 

“Jessica, will you marry me?”

 

“YES!”

 

We embraced and were engaged.  It was too good to be true.  I never wanted that moment to end.  I was in her loving arms.  I felt loved.

 

Jessie had to leave the next day so she could get home.  I packed her car and fueled it for her.  I got back and she was sitting on my couch admiring her ring. 

 

“Matt, I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

“I don’t want to leave.”

 

“I think the old saying is ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’”

 

“Yes, but after Thanksgiving we’re both going to be busy with school and we won’t see each other until Christmas.”

 

“I know but our love is so strong that we can manage.”

 

We kissed and Jessie said it was time for her to leave.  I walked her to her car and she started the engine and rolled down the window so we could have one last kiss.  I walked back to my apartment and turned around as I watched her pull away.  She turned on to a main street slowly as she waved good-bye.  Sadly that was our last good bye.

 

As she waved and mouthed the words “I love you” a car came out of nowhere and slammed into her car.  Her car flew into a light pole and was wrapped around it.  I ran over to the twisted mess of metal and broken glass.  There was Jessica.  She was crushed.  I was frantically trying to rip the door off its hinges so that I could get her out.  I dug so hard that I lost fingernails on each hand.

 

Jessie looked up at me and coughed.  Blood trickled down her cheek and out of her mouth.

 

“Matt?”

 

“I’m here, baby, don’t worry.  I am going to get you out.”  I heard sirens.

 

“Matt?”

 

“I’m right here, Jessie, I’m trying to get you out.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“GODDAMN!  Jessie, I love you.”

 

“Matt, I love-“

 

I reached in and managed to kiss her.  I heard the sirens.  One last pull on the door broke it off.  I pulled her free and kissed her and began weeping.  Jessie was dead.  

 

The next few months were a blur.  Jessie’s parents blamed me for her death because they said I had her chasing foolish dreams.  I drew into a world of depression.

 

I haven’t loved another like I loved Jessica.  She was my one and only.  I have come close but they never made me feel the way Jessie did.

Sometimes I wish I was in that car.  Not that I want to die but that I seem to have cheated death on so many occasions.  Like the time I went running after a deer and I slipped and my shotgun flew in the air and as it landed I heard a click but was joyed to learn it misfired when I saw the barrel pointed at my head.  Oh and the time I drove my car off a thirty foot cliff.  Then I can't forget the time I decided to ride my big wheel down 4 flights of stairs.  Of course there was the time my dad left me in the car seat of the hood of his car and I slid off and landed head first on the curb. 

I miss that girl greatly and I still wish it was me.

OK so don't be too harsh and in no way is this about anyone on Xanga.

The heat broke and I got sleep.  It was so nice.  The only bad part was that I had a strange dream.  I was cleaning out the gutters on my house and then something caused my ladder to fall.  I landed on my back and broke both of my clavicles.  I felt pain in the dream.  I woke myself out of the dream because I was feeling the pain.  It turned out that I had both my cats sleeping on my shoulders.  Then my next dream involved me meeting a Xanga.  It was strange because I had no clue with whom I was talking.  I saw things from the Xangan's eyes.  Basically it was boring and just me talking.  Then I ended up falling out of faith and enrolling at Notre Dame which makes absolutely no sense.  As I was buying books I ran into a guy claiming he was the head football coach.  It wasn't Charlie Weiss but it was Jeremy Piven.  He asked me to join the team and I did.  Oddly Notre Dame's facilities looked exactly like the locker room and weight room and fields of the high school where I taught and coached football.  Well even though I am old by college football standards I played.  I dominated but my knee problems caught up with me so they asked me to think about becoming a coach at one of their minor league teams.  No clue.  I ended up coaching at a Catholic high school and was pitted against my high school coach.  It was a tied game and then with one second left he took a time out.  I knew the play he was going to send in because it was the play that knocked us out of the playoffs in an undefeated season.  I signaled in what they were running and the outcome was the same.  One of our defensive backs intercepted a pass and took it 100 yards the other way for a touchdown.  After the game the coach refused to shake my hand and accused me of cheating because I was on the field when he used that play and also was a Catholic.  I woke up because I was laughing.  Anyway here's your weekly dose of motivation:

Well there you have it.  I feel motivated to share a story I wrote.  It was originally a reply.  There was a question of the day by a Xangan whose name I can't spell right now.  Anyway, she asked where would you want to be if you could be anywhere.  I answered: In someone's loving arms.  She asked if I meant anyone specifically.  Well I started writing a reply and it turned into a little story.  Maybe I'll share it tomorrow.

Previously on Freaks and Geeks:  Pilot, Beers and Weirs, Tricks and Treats, Kim Kelly is My Friend, Tests and Breasts, I'm with the Band

Carded and Discarded is directed by Judd Apatow and was written by Paul Feig and Judd Apatow.  Once again, I am willing to wager that many of you have heard of Judd Apatow.

Plot Summary: Sam, Neal, and Bill befriend a pretty new transfer student, but soon fear of losing her to the popular crowd and try to win her over with a series of fun things they plan for her. Lindsay, Nick, Daniel, and Ken decide to get fake IDs so they can see a hot local band perform at a bar. However, after they go through the trouble of getting their IDs and getting into the bar, the group is stunned to find out who the hot local bands lead singer is.

This is a great episode.  The plot line with the fake IDs hit close to home.  When I was in high school Wisconsin still used the old time laminated ID cards although by the time I hit driver's ed. they just started rolling out the new hologram card style.  Well guess who had a fake?  That's right, my crazy classmate Stender.  The photo was of a Hispanic male and Stender was white.  Also the features were funny because everything had been clearly scratched off and handwritten.  It was so bad.  Luckily Stender only paind $25 for the ID.  The card did get him into a bar or two and also a few visits to the liquor store.  I didn't even bother.  I just went in and bought beer despite being well under the age. Apparently I looked quite older.  I almost got busted when one of my alcoholic teachers was in the gas station picking up his nightly 6 pack of 40 ouncers and I was coming out of the beer cooler holding two cases of Bud Ice.  I swear it wasn't for me even if Bud Ice was the only Bud product I enjoyed.  I quick set them down and reached into another cooler and grabbed a pizza.  "Hey my best student!  How are you?"  "Well I'm doing fine sir.  Just going to head home and have this pizza because the little lady is away this weekend.  It looks like you are up for a fun weekend."  "Yeah, I have tests to correct."  "Well I don't think I did my usual A+ work so could you correct mine after you've had a couple of those?"  "Will do."  He leaves.  I buy the pizza and leave and we have to go to another gas station.  I am getting yelled at and I have to explain what happened.  We head down to the next gas station and there was the teacher standing in line with another 6 pack.  I got extra credit on that test.  So when the kids find out who the singer is, well that is how I felt when I was in the gas station.

Also that opening scene...there were so many times I wanted to pull out my guitar and sing to my students when they came to me with problems but I remembered what a tool Mr. Rosso was and never did that.

Errors:  When the freaks go to the clothing store in the mall to ask Howie Gelfand about getting fake ID's, Howie makes a reference to how tall Nick is by referring to him as Bill Laimbeer. Laimbeer was a basketball player who was about 6'10" tall. He became fairly famous as a player for the Detroit Pistons (the hometown team for these Michigan students)  But Laimbeer didn't join the Pistons until 1982. In 1980, Laimbeer was an obscure rookie with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Howie would have no idea who Laimbeer was at that point, and wouldn't make that comment to refer to Nick's being so tall.

As he accosted Vicki for reportedly disliking Three's Company, Eli began to explain why Mr. Roper didn't want Jack Tripper living with two women. However, Mr. Furley had been the trio's landlord for over a full season by this point. Norman Fell and Audra Lindley left the series in the spring of 1978 for the spin-off The Ropers.

In Millie's cousin's house there's a poster on the wall of Pink Floyd's "The Wall." This movie didn't come out until 1982. In an earlier episode, Nick mentions seeing the film as well. So this makes two times "The Wall" film is out of sync.

Guest Stars:  Look for Jason Schwartzman as Howie, Kevin Corrigan as Toby, Ben Foster as Eli (he was in the Pilot episode), David Kochner as the waiter, and Joel Hodgson as the Salesman (he'll come back in later episodes).  Joel Hodgson was the creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  I loved that show.  He was the original star as well.  If you haven't seen this show, check out this and this.  I also happened to check out what happened to the girl who played Cindy Sanders.  Her name is Natasha Melnick.  It looks like she has primarily done TV but she does have a movie in post-production called 1001 Ways to Enjoy the Missionary Position. 

Music: "C'Etait Toi (You Were the One)," "Rosalinda" and "Don't Ask Me Why" by Billy Joel; "Stomp!" by Brothers Johnson; "18" (Alice Cooper) and "American Band" (Grand Funk Railroad), performed by Dave "Gruber" Allen and Feedback.  Dave "Gruber" Allen played Mr. Rosso, the guidance counselor.  He and David Koechner would team up for the short lived Comedy Central Series "The Naked Truck and T-Bone Show"

Quotes:
Ken: I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

Daniel: I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

Jean: Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?
Harold: Sex?! Well, okay.

Neal: Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?
Bill: What... I got a big rocket, what am I supposed to do, cut it in half?

(After Maureen changed the menu to read "Pan Fried Butts")
Bill: How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

Tributes: The freaks end up going to Millie's cousin to get better fake ID's than the ones provided by Howie Gelfand. Millie's cousin tells Daniel he can come in for his ID first, saying "McMurphy, you come in first." Daniel is wearing a knit skullcap, so calling him McMurphy is a reference to character Randall McMurphy, played by Jack Nicholson, in the Academy Award winning 1975 film "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". Nicholson spent much of the movie wearing a knit cap like Daniel wore in the episode.

Here is the episode, enjoy!