I really need to bring back my tournament of randomocity but this time I will do all bands instead of random things.  I just need to find the time.

I saw an ex-girlfriend tonight.  I broke up with her because she wanted me to make a commitment.  She was walking by with her husband and two kids.  Man, some women just don't know when to stop playing hard to get.  I'M NOT INTERESTED!

Those Burger King tiny hands commercials are bringing back childhood memories.  My grandfather once imparted some wisdom before he died.  He told me that I should find a woman with tiny hands.  I asked why and he said that because her tiny hands would make my dick look big when she held it.  I was 9 years old.  This was the same grandfather who coerced me into drinking a beer at age 3 by saying that it was a fancy new soda pop called Old Style.  I got drunk and fell down some stairs.  He laughed at me and called me a lightweight.  He also made me chew tobacco when we went fishing because he said the tobacco juice would make the fish bite better.  It did but they were biting at the food that I threw up into the lake.  I miss that guy, he's what you would call a "character".

Can I take your wife, please?

I am opening a ladies only massage parlor...too bad I don't have a massage license.

Good news everyone...I'm not pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like a five syllable word in a monosyllabic world.

I wonder if George Costanza could win America's Next Top Hand Model.

Chicken and Cat were sitting on the river bank when cat fell in and made chicken laugh. moral of the story: where there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

Women have magic powers they can get wet without water, bleed without injury, make boneless things hard, and make men eat without cooking.

I...love...ellipsis...marks!

I sound like Larry King so...Picture Time!

I wonder what cup she has.  Oh yeah, a tea cup.

So what exactly do they warm?

I can't think of a funny comment other than I think I should start following his Twitter.

I want the Dan Band to sing this flowchart.

This is why I avoid exercise.

I don't know if I ever told you this but teaching is hard.

I have thought about taking a teaching job in Japan but they have a strange curriculum.

There is this old saying that I despise: "Once you go quack, you never go back."

Here's a photo from a recent VH-1 casting call -or- Bristol Palin never quite figured out how to use a condom.  Thank you abstinence only sex-ed!

I don't mind when ladies send me seductive photos but there is something amiss here.  I feel so guilty looking.

I can't believe how retired that girl is.  You have to enlarge to enjoy.

Save us, Obama wan Kenobi.  You're our only hope!

I leave you with Yahoo Answers and Cloud Cult