continued from page 5...amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts...continued on page 24.

So last night I rolled off Xanga at around 1:30AM.  I tried to sleep.  It was near impossible.  I laid there going through all sorts of scenarios.  I even dug out my funeral plans and laid them out on my coffee table in sealed envelopes "just in case".  I am heavily relying on friends and family to send me off with a blast.  I don't want people crying and wailing...well unless my family sees fit to hire professional wailers like they did in the Biblical times...I want people to remember me as how I lived.  I am planning on having a massive kegger.  Some how I will get the word out over Xanga.

I think I finally fell asleep about 3:30 and then woke up at 4:30 because I had to be on the road by 5:15.  I am glad I left earlier than that with my parents because it was foggy despite the douchebag weatherman saying there was no fog.  Screw you, WKBT.  I also had to drive through Amish country and that sucks balls because you can't see their black buggies in the fog until you are on top of them.  I hit a bump and my mom spills her drink all over herself so we have to stop at a gas station so she can change.  She always brings extra clothes when going to medical conferences because she doesn't know if she is going to have go elbow deep into a corpse.  Well her class today involved advance cardiac resuscitation.  She didn't tell me if she got to play with any hearts.  Did I mention I had a student whose father was a brain surgeon and the dad brought in a human brain for the kids to examine?  How would you like a group of pimply and awkward 7th and 8th graders poking at your brain?

Well we got there and right next to the hospital and college campus was a laundromat and coffee shop.  God, coffee is a racket.  They should seriously investigate them instead of investigating me just because I like to hang out with fellow Italians and find stuff that fell off trucks.  $5 for a caramel machimoroni is a tad excessive.

Then I go to Walgreen's.  Candy corn flavored Dots.  "Hey you have blood tests.  You can't have those."  Of all the times you begin to be a parent when I want to eat my delicious candy corn flavored Dots.  I waited but of course they melted in the sun. 

My dad and I go to the lab and have blood drawn.  It was so torturous that I thought they were tying me up to be drawn and quartered.  I hate needles and the ilk.  I have panic attacks when they draw blood.  I faint.  Fluid that is inside of me for a purpose must remain inside of me.

The doctors are back-ordered so we have two hours before the appointments.  I go downtown in search of a Christian bookstore...sort of like trying to find a port in a storm.  It was out of business as were so many stores in the downtown district but I got to see the WORLD'S LARGEST SIX PACK OF BEER!  Dad wants to eat at McDonald's so I go to Burger King.  I feel like royalty when I dine at their fine restaurants plus I love cardboard crowns.

Back to the hospital.  Doctor comes in and sighs.  That's not a good sign.  "Well...I don't know what to say but...the tests are inconclusive."  Apparently my tests indicate that I could have cancer or not have it.  A few numbers cancel each other out.  He has no clue.  Exploratory surgery?  X-Rays?  Cameras up the butt?  Why spend the money?  I went through that all before and got the same answers.  More steroids, which I can't deny is a bad thing.  They improved more than just my lungs and appetite.

As I was waiting for my dad to get done I saw a former Green Bay Packer.  Gilbert Brown is now the head coach of an upstart indoor football team.  I told him I was going to be at try-outs.  He  said he looked forward to seeing me there.  We are such liars.

Dad gets out to the lobby and doesn't say a thing.  Bad news.  Finally he breaks down and says he has to come back in a few weeks to consult with a surgeon.  Christ...he is going to be on kidney dialysis and needs to get something put in for the dialysis to begin.  He took it bad.  I don't know how to react.   He gets bad news and I get no news and in this case I think no news is bad news. 

We went to eat lunch and he didn't say a word.  He was scared shitless.  I've never seen him like that.

I stopped off at a dollar store because everything's a dollar and most all the bath and beauty products are made by the people who make the brand name stuff but they just put it under a generic label.  Like a bottle of Axe goes for what $5?  The stuff I picked up was the same scent and the same company but under a lame name like Score Big.  I am set until there is snow on the ground for body spray, body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. 

The H1N1 is turning me into Howard Hughes.  Every time I see hand sanitizer I have to use it and then I have to use it a second time because I may not have killed enough the first time.  There was hand sanitizer stations all over the city.  Probably because those college kids are filthy but that is because that town boasts the world record for most bars on a single street.  I think I am going to enjoy life and head there next weekend for Octoberfest.  Ein Prosit!

Then my dad asked if we could go up into the bluffs.  It was eerie because the night before a young girl fell off the bluff because she was stupid and climbed over the safety fence.  I will have to post the photos tomorrow...not of the stupid girl but of the bluff and my trip.

On the way home I noticed that a farm was for sale.  Not just any farm but an organic farm.  105 acres plus house and barns.  Hmmm I have always wanted to harvest organs, especially the pipe organs that are in cathedrals. 

Then we picked up my mom back at the hospital and then I came home.  I crashed and woke up just in time for The Office. 

I think this would solve the housing problem.

In my last post I gave you one of the questions I was asked in religion class.  BDSM isn't a sin unless it involves Legos.

Lego Steven Hawking...you know if I had talent and Legos, I would make Lego versions of my Xanga readers.  It would be awesome if I had talent...and Legos...Santa, that's a hint.

I have hope that there is someone out there even for me.

We have found the Shroud of Vacation.

I am going to have nightmares about this tonight.

In case you ever needed the United Kingdom explained.

Geography doesn't agree with MSNBC much like reality does not agree with FOX News.

I feel like a drink, who is with me?

There are a lot of people out there who are curious when it comes to trying Krispy Kreme doughnuts(you may have to enlarge).   People got fired for that stunt and Krispy Kreme denied that their product was that good.  I wonder if there is a correlation between their denial and the rising number of Krispy Kreme stores closing.

Yes...and now I have C&C  Music Factory in my head...Gonna Make You Sweat!

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDOOOMMMM....within in defined parameters.  Mel Gibson would be proud.

So I was thinking about religion and atheism.  In the Mormon religion there is a belief that states that individuals have to ability to become a god.  Now if atheists deny there is a god would that mean if they deny the Mormon teachings that they are denying the existence of mankind?

So the other day I read somebody's blog about how Kurt Kobain's family was suing Guitar Hero for using his likeness in the game.  I had this pop into my mind.

I am evil, inconclusive, and Hunter Thompson has worn of on me.  He is infectious.