Aus Liebe zur Wahrheit und in dem Bestreben, diese zu ergründen, soll in Wittenberg unter dem Vorsitz des ehrwürdigen Vaters Martin Luther, Magisters der freien Künste und der heiligen Theologie sowie deren ordentlicher Professor daselbst, über die folgenden Sätze disputiert werden. Deshalb bittet er die, die nicht anwesend sein und mündlich mit uns debattieren können, dieses in Abwesenheit schriftlich zu tun. Im Namen unseres Herrn Jesu Christi, Amen.

1. Da unser Herr und Meister Jesus Christus spricht "Tut Buße" usw. (Matth. 4,17), hat er gewollt, daß das ganze Leben der Gläubigen Buße sein soll.
2. Dieses Wort kann nicht von der Buße als Sakrament - d. h. von der Beichte und Genugtuung -, die durch das priesterliche Amt verwaltet wird, verstanden werden.
3. Es bezieht sich nicht nur auf eine innere Buße, ja eine solche wäre gar keine, wenn sie nicht nach außen mancherlei Werke zur Abtötung des Fleisches bewirkte.
4. Daher bleibt die Strafe, solange der Haß gegen sich selbst - das ist die wahre Herzensbuße - bestehen bleibt, also bis zum Eingang ins Himmelreich.
5. Der Papst will und kann keine Strafen erlassen, außer solchen, die er auf Grund seiner eigenen Entscheidung oder der der kirchlichen Satzungen auferlegt hat.
6. Der Papst kann eine Schuld nur dadurch erlassen, daß er sie als von Gott erlassen erklärt und bezeugt, natürlich kann er sie in den ihm vorbehaltenen Fällen erlassen; wollte man das geringachten, bliebe die Schuld ganz und gar bestehen.
7. Gott erläßt überhaupt keinem die Schuld, ohne ihn zugleich demütig in allem dem Priester, seinem Stellvertreter, zu unterwerfen.
8. Die kirchlichen Bestimmungen über die Buße sind nur für die Lebenden verbindlich, den Sterbenden darf demgemäß nichts auferlegt werden.
9. Daher handelt der Heilige Geist, der durch den Papst wirkt, uns gegenüber gut, wenn er in seinen Erlassen immer den Fall des Todes und der höchsten Not ausnimmt.
10. Unwissend und schlecht handeln diejenigen Priester, die den Sterbenden kirchliche Bußen für das Fegefeuer aufsparen.
11. Die Meinung, daß eine kirchliche Bußstrafe in eine Fegefeuerstrafe umgewandelt werden könne, ist ein Unkraut, das offenbar gesät worden ist, während die Bischöfe schliefen.
12. Früher wurden die kirchlichen Bußstrafen nicht nach, sondern vor der Absolution auferlegt, gleichsam als Prüfstein für die Aufrichtigkeit der Reue.
13. Die Sterbenden werden durch den Tod von allem gelöst, und für die kirchlichen Satzungen sind sie schon tot, weil sie von Rechts wegen davon befreit sind.
14. Ist die Haltung eines Sterbenden und die Liebe (Gott gegenüber) unvollkommen, so bringt ihm das notwendig große Furcht, und diese ist um so größer, je geringer jene ist.
15. Diese Furcht und dieser Schrecken genügen für sich allein - um von anderem zu schweigen -, die Pein des Fegefeuers auszumachen; denn sie kommen dem Grauen der Verzweiflung ganz nahe.
16. Es scheinen sich demnach Hölle, Fegefeuer und Himmel in der gleichen Weise zu unterscheiden wie Verzweiflung, annähernde Verzweiflung und Sicherheit.
17. Offenbar haben die Seelen im Fegefeuer die Mehrung der Liebe genauso nötig wie eine Minderung des Grauens.
18. Offenbar ist es auch weder durch Vernunft- noch Schriftgründe erwiesen, daß sie sich außerhalb des Zustandes befinden, in dem sie Verdienste erwerben können oder in dem die Liebe zunehmen kann.
19. Offenbar ist auch dieses nicht erwiesen, daß sie - wenigstens nicht alle - ihrer Seligkeit sicher und gewiß sind, wenngleich wir ihrer völlig sicher sind.
20. Daher meint der Papst mit dem vollkommenen Erlaß aller Strafen nicht einfach den Erlaß sämtlicher Strafen, sondern nur derjenigen, die er selbst auferlegt hat.
21. Deshalb irren jene Ablaßprediger, die sagen, daß durch die Ablässe des Papstes der Mensch von jeder Strafe frei und los werde.
22. Vielmehr erläßt er den Seelen im Fegefeuer keine einzige Strafe, die sie nach den kirchlichen Satzungen in diesem Leben hätten abbüßen müssen.
23. Wenn überhaupt irgendwem irgendein Erlaß aller Strafen gewährt werden kann, dann gewiß allein den Vollkommensten, das heißt aber, ganz wenigen.
24. Deswegen wird zwangsläufig ein Großteil des Volkes durch jenes in Bausch und Bogen und großsprecherisch gegebene Versprechen des Straferlasses getäuscht.
25. Die gleiche Macht, die der Papst bezüglich des Fegefeuers im allgemeinen hat, besitzt jeder Bischof und jeder Seelsorger in seinem Bistum bzw. seinem Pfarrbezirk im besonderen.
26. Der Papst handelt sehr richtig, den Seelen (im Fegefeuer) die Vergebung nicht auf Grund seiner - ihm dafür nicht zur Verfügung stehenden - Schlüsselgewalt, sondern auf dem Wege der Fürbitte zuzuwenden.
27. Menschenlehre verkündigen die, die sagen, daß die Seele (aus dem Fegefeuer) emporfliege, sobald das Geld im Kasten klingt.
28. Gewiß, sobald das Geld im Kasten klingt, können Gewinn und Habgier wachsen, aber die Fürbitte der Kirche steht allein auf dem Willen Gottes.
29. Wer weiß denn, ob alle Seelen im Fegefeuer losgekauft werden wollen, wie es beispielsweise beim heiligen Severin und Paschalis nicht der Fall gewesen sein soll.
30. Keiner ist der Echtheit seiner Reue gewiß, viel weniger, ob er völligen Erlaß (der Sündenstrafe) erlangt hat.
31. So selten einer in rechter Weise Buße tut, so selten kauft einer in der rechten Weise Ablaß, nämlich außerordentlich selten.
32. Wer glaubt, durch einen Ablaßbrief seines Heils gewiß sein zu können, wird auf ewig mit seinen Lehrmeistern verdammt werden.
33. Nicht genug kann man sich vor denen hüten, die den Ablaß des Papstes jene unschätzbare Gabe Gottes nennen, durch die der Mensch mit Gott versöhnt werde.
34. Jene Ablaßgnaden beziehen sich nämlich nur auf die von Menschen festgesetzten Strafen der sakramentalen Genugtuung.
35. Nicht christlich predigen die, die lehren, daß für die, die Seelen (aus dem Fegefeuer) loskaufen oder Beichtbriefe erwerben, Reue nicht nötig sei.
36. Jeder Christ, der wirklich bereut, hat Anspruch auf völligen Erlaß von Strafe und Schuld, auch ohne Ablaßbrief.
37. Jeder wahre Christ, sei er lebendig oder tot, hat Anteil an allen Gütern Christi und der Kirche, von Gott ihm auch ohne Ablaßbrief gegeben.
38. Doch dürfen der Erlaß und der Anteil (an den genannten Gütern), die der Papst vermittelt, keineswegs geringgeachtet werden, weil sie - wie ich schon sagte - die Erklärung der göttlichen Vergebung darstellen.
39. Auch den gelehrtesten Theologen dürfte es sehr schwerfallen, vor dem Volk zugleich die Fülle der Ablässe und die Aufrichtigkeit der Reue zu rühmen.
40. Aufrichtige Reue begehrt und liebt die Strafe. Die Fülle der Ablässe aber macht gleichgültig und lehrt sie hassen, wenigstens legt sie das nahe.
41. Nur mit Vorsicht darf der apostolische Ablaß gepredigt werden, damit das Volk nicht fälschlicherweise meint, er sei anderen guten Werken der Liebe vorzuziehen.
42. Man soll die Christen lehren: Die Meinung des Papstes ist es nicht, daß der Erwerb von Ablaß in irgendeiner Weise mit Werken der Barmherzigkeit zu vergleichen sei.
43. Man soll den Christen lehren: Dem Armen zu geben oder dem Bedürftigen zu leihen ist besser, als Ablaß zu kaufen.
44. Denn durch ein Werk der Liebe wächst die Liebe und wird der Mensch besser, aber durch Ablaß wird er nicht besser, sondern nur teilweise von der Strafe befreit.
45. Man soll die Christen lehren: Wer einen Bedürftigen sieht, ihn übergeht und statt dessen für den Ablaß gibt, kauft nicht den Ablaß des Papstes, sondern handelt sich den Zorn Gottes ein.
46. Man soll die Christen lehren: Die, die nicht im Überfluß leben, sollen das Lebensnotwendige für ihr Hauswesen behalten und keinesfalls für den Ablaß verschwenden.
47. Man soll die Christen lehren: Der Kauf von Ablaß ist eine freiwillige Angelegenheit, nicht geboten.
48. Man soll die Christen lehren: Der Papst hat bei der Erteilung von Ablaß ein für ihn dargebrachtes Gebet nötiger und wünscht es deshalb auch mehr als zur Verfügung gestelltes Geld.
49. Man soll die Christen lehren: Der Ablaß des Papstes ist nützlich, wenn man nicht sein Vertrauen darauf setzt, aber sehr schädlich, falls man darüber die Furcht Gottes fahrenläßt.
50. Man soll die Christen lehren: Wenn der Papst die Erpressungsmethoden der Ablaßprediger wüßte, sähe er lieber die Peterskirche in Asche sinken, als daß sie mit Haut, Fleisch und Knochen seiner Schafe erbaut würde.
51. Man soll die Christen lehren: Der Papst wäre, wie es seine Pflicht ist, bereit - wenn nötig -, die Peterskirche zu verkaufen, um von seinem Gelde einem großen Teil jener zu geben, denen gewisse Ablaßprediger das Geld aus der Tasche holen.
52. Auf Grund eines Ablaßbriefes das Heil zu erwarten ist eitel, auch wenn der (Ablass Kommissar, ja der Papst selbst ihre Seelen dafür verpfändeten.
53. Die anordnen, daß um der Ablaßpredigt willen das Wort Gottes in den umliegenden Kirchen völlig zum Schweigen komme, sind Feinde Christi und des Papstes.
54. Dem Wort Gottes geschieht Unrecht, wenn in ein und derselben Predigt auf den Ablaß die gleiche oder längere Zeit verwendet wird als für jenes.
55. Die Meinung des Papstes ist unbedingt die: Wenn der Ablaß - als das Geringste - mit einer Glocke, einer Prozession und einem Gottesdienst gefeiert wird, sollte das Evangelium - als das Höchste - mit hundert Glocken, hundert Prozessionen und hundert Gottesdiensten gepredigt werden.
56. Der Schatz der Kirche, aus dem der Papst den Ablaß austeilt, ist bei dem Volke Christi weder genügend genannt noch bekannt.
57. Offenbar besteht er nicht in zeitlichen Gütern, denn die würden viele von den Predigern nicht so leicht mit vollen Händen austeilen, sondern bloß sammeln.
58. Er besteht aber auch nicht aus den Verdiensten Christi und der Heiligen, weil diese dauernd ohne den Papst Gnade für den inwendigen Menschen sowie Kreuz, Tod und Hölle für den äußeren bewirken.
59. Der heilige Laurentius hat gesagt, daß der Schatz der Kirche ihre Armen seien, aber die Verwendung dieses Begriffes entsprach der Auffassung seiner Zeit.
60. Wohlbegründet sagen wir, daß die Schlüssel der Kirche - die ihr durch das Verdienst Christi geschenkt sind - jenen Schatz darstellen.
61. Selbstverständlich genügt die Gewalt des Papstes allein zum Erlaß von Strafen und zur Vergebung in besondern, ihm vorbehaltenen Fällen.
62. Der wahre Schatz der Kirche ist das allerheiligste Evangelium von der Herrlichkeit und Gnade Gottes.
63. Dieser ist zu Recht allgemein verhaßt, weil er aus Ersten Letzte macht.
64. Der Schatz des Ablasses jedoch ist zu Recht außerordentlich beliebt, weil er aus Letzten Erste macht.
65. Also ist der Schatz des Evangeliums das Netz, mit dem man einst die Besitzer von Reichtum fing.
66. Der Schatz des Ablasses ist das Netz, mit dem man jetzt den Reichtum von Besitzenden fängt.
67. Der Ablaß, den die Ablaßprediger lautstark als außerordentliche Gnaden anpreisen, kann tatsächlich dafür gelten, was das gute Geschäft anbelangt.
68. Doch sind sie, verglichen mit der Gnade Gottes und der Verehrung des Kreuzes, in der Tat ganz geringfügig.
69. Die Bischöfe und Pfarrer sind gehalten, die Kommissare des apostolischen Ablasses mit aller Ehrerbietung zuzulassen.
70. Aber noch mehr sind sie gehalten, Augen und Ohren anzustrengen, daß jene nicht anstelle des päpstlichen Auftrags ihre eigenen Phantastereien predigen.
71. Wer gegen die Wahrheit des apostolischen Ablasses spricht, der sei verworfen und verflucht.
72. Aber wer gegen die Zügellosigkeit und Frechheit der Worte der Ablaßprediger auftritt, der sei gesegnet.
73. Wie der Papst zu Recht seinen Bannstrahl gegen diejenigen schleudert, die hinsichtlich des Ablaßgeschäftes auf mannigfache Weise Betrug ersinnen,
74. So will er viel mehr den Bannstrahl gegen diejenigen schleudern, die unter dem Vorwand des Ablasses auf Betrug hinsichtlich der heiligen Liebe und Wahrheit sinnen.
75. Es ist irrsinnig zu meinen, daß der päpstliche Ablaß mächtig genug sei, einen Menschen loszusprechen, auch wenn er - was ja unmöglich ist - der Gottesgebärerin Gewalt angetan hätte.
76. Wir behaupten dagegen, daß der päpstliche Ablaß auch nicht die geringste läßliche Sünde wegnehmen kann, was deren Schuld betrifft.
77. Wenn es heißt, auch der heilige Petrus könnte, wenn er jetzt Papst wäre, keine größeren Gnaden austeilen, so ist das eine Lästerung des heiligen Petrus und des Papstes.
78. Wir behaupten dagegen, daß dieser wie jeder beliebige Papst größere hat, nämlich das Evangelium, "Geisteskräfte und Gaben, gesund zu machen" usw., wie es 1. Kor. 12 heißt.
79. Es ist Gotteslästerung zu sagen, daß das (in den Kirchen) an hervorragender Stelle errichtete (Ablass Kreuz, das mit dem päpstlichen Wappen versehen ist, dem Kreuz Christi gleichkäme.
80. Bischöfe, Pfarrer und Theologen, die dulden, daß man dem Volk solche Predigt bietet, werden dafür Rechenschaft ablegen müssen.
81. Diese freche Ablaßpredigt macht es auch gelehrten Männern nicht leicht, das Ansehen des Papstes vor böswilliger Kritik oder sogar vor spitzfindigen Fragen der Laien zu schützen.
82. Zum Beispiel: Warum räumt der Papst nicht das Fegefeuer aus um der heiligsten Liebe und höchsten Not der Seelen willen - als aus einem wirklich triftigen Grund -, da er doch unzählige Seelen loskauft um des unheilvollen Geldes zum Bau einer Kirche willen - als aus einem sehr fadenscheinigen Grund -?
83. Oder: Warum bleiben die Totenmessen sowie Jahrfeiern für die Verstorbenen bestehen, und warum gibt er (der Papst) nicht die Stiftungen, die dafür gemacht worden sind, zurück oder gestattet ihre Rückgabe,wenn es schon ein Unrecht ist, für die Losgekauften zu beten?
84. Oder: Was ist das für eine neue Frömmigkeit vor Gott und dem Papst, daß sie einem Gottlosen und Feinde erlauben, für sein Geld eine fromme und von Gott geliebte Seele loszukaufen; doch um der eigenen Not dieser frommen und geliebten Seele willen erlösen sie diese nicht aus freigeschenkter Liebe?
85. Oder: Warum werden die kirchlichen Bußsatzungen, die "tatsächlich und durch Nichtgebrauch" an sich längst abgeschafft und tot sind, doch noch immer durch die Gewährung von Ablaß mit Geld abgelöst, als wären sie höchst lebendig?
86. Oder: Warum baut der Papst, der heute reicher ist als der reichste Crassus, nicht wenigstens die eine Kirche St. Peter lieber von seinem eigenen Geld als dem der armen Gläubigen?
87. Oder: Was erläßt der Papst oder woran gibt er denen Anteil, die durch vollkommene Reue ein Anrecht haben auf völligen Erlaß und völlige Teilhabe?
88. Oder: Was könnte der Kirche Besseres geschehen, als wenn der Papst, wie er es (jetzt) einmal tut, hundertmal am Tage jedem Gläubigen diesen Erlaß und diese Teilhabe zukommen ließe?
89. Wieso sucht der Papst durch den Ablaß das Heil der Seelen mehr als das Geld; warum hebt er früher gewährte Briefe und Ablässe jetzt auf, die doch ebenso wirksam sind?
90. Diese äußerst peinlichen Einwände der Laien nur mit Gewalt zu unterdrücken und nicht durch vernünftige Gegenargumente zu beseitigen heißt, die Kirche und den Papst dem Gelächter der Feinde auszusetzen und die Christenheit unglücklich zu machen.
91. Wenn daher der Ablaß dem Geiste und der Auffassung des Papstes gemäß gepredigt würde, lösten sich diese (Einwände) alle ohne weiteres auf, ja es gäbe sie überhaupt nicht.
92. Darum weg mit allen jenen Propheten, die den Christen predigen: "Friede, Friede", und ist doch kein Friede.
93. Wohl möge es gehen allen den Propheten, die den Christen predigen: "Kreuz, Kreuz", und ist doch kein Kreuz.
94. Man soll die Christen ermutigen, daß sie ihrem Haupt Christus durch Strafen, Tod und Hölle nachzufolgen trachten
95. und daß die lieber darauf trauen, durch viele Trübsale ins Himmelreich einzugehen, als sich in falscher geistlicher Sicherheit zu beruhigen.

Yes it is Devil's Night and that means well I don't think it means absolutely anything although I would expect given the economic climate that Detroit may burn.  Some images may not be safe work or safe for life.

Taylor Swift was at Katy Perry's birthday party(more on that later).  The party had an interesting theme.  Everyone was to wear all white so that later on paints could be used and guests could paint all over each other.  Well Taylor and her friend painted that failure of a t-shirt.  Either she is trying to shed her good girl image or she is letting her true colors shine.  I hear there is a hidden track on the re-release of her album.  It is Taylor repetitively saying, "Es Ist Zeit zu säubern! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! Es ist Zeit für Rache! Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"  Hmm I guess her record label wants her to tap into that lucrative white supremacist market.  I hear her next album is going to be all about abortion.

Suri Cruise was spotted running through the aisles of a JoAnn Fabrics in Boston this week.  She is just so glam.  It looks like every day is Halloween for Suri.

Morrissey collapsed on stage this week.  He didn't look healthy before the show began but being the professional he is he said the show must go on.  During a song he fell over and then was rushed to the hospital.  He was later released and nothing was revealed about his condition.  Hopefully he is OK.  Send some positive thoughts his way.

Remember a while back when I let you know that there was a Twilight inspired dildo on the market?  Well now there are two new products for boys.

One is called Count Cockula and the other is called Succu-Dry.  The first one is marketed for boys that like vampire boys and the other is for boys that like vampire girls.  This is the product description of the Count Cockula: "Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead."  Now I am all for sex toys and I may be interested except for the teeth and in the descriptions they also talk about fang like sensations inside the toy.  Umm...teeth are scary in that area.

Another Twilight product is soon hitting the stores.  The Twilight underwear.  I guess they are unisex.  They have one of the vampire's faces on the front and of course a vampire's mouth in a very sensitive area on the inside of the underwear.  OK I really can't make a blood joke here.  Oh why would girls want to spend money to have his face on their underwear when I could...oh never mind.

Jamie Lee Curtis threw a Halloween party this week and she went as Mother Nature.  Come on, Jamie Lee, you went as Mother Nature.  You should have been nude or at least showing more skin.  After all the Halloween movies made you famous and you were naked in the first...so I'm just saying.

Noah Cyrus went to Jamie Lee's Halloween party.  Remember she is 9 years-old and this is apparently what 9 year-olds wear for costumes these days.  What is she supposed to be?  My best bet is that she is supposed to be a contestant on one of Bret Michaels' reality dating shows.  Where is Chris Hansen when you need him?  Oh that Cyrus family...but it only gets worse.

I heard rumors that Miley Cyrus was going to be performing at a nearby location called Cruisin' Chubbys and I think this is a photo from her performance.  She's doing this and wearing that as a 16 year old.  What's she going to be like at 20?  Poll results from a recent AOL poll showed that Miley Cyrus is the worst celebrity influence on children.  Now, the kicker is who the people were that took the poll....KIDS!  Finally some kids out there are waking up.  Oh and I had to verify the performance, it was at the United Center and not a strip club, my bad.

It looks like Mickey Rourke was celebrating Halloween to the extreme.  I think he fell face first into a pile of cocaine or he fell asleep on one of Lindsay Lohan's pillows...wait, those are the same.

This Lil' Wayne cake was given by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to their daughter Ireland.  If that is supposed to be the real Lil' Wayne then I would suggest you not lick the cream because you may wind up pregnant or high on sizzurp.

This was recently posted on Levi Johnston's Twitter.  This was his announcement that he was going full monty for Playgirl.  I think by using caps lock on the word "wang" he is trying to overcompensate and that he is actually hung like Lady Gaga.  The funny thing about his nude pictures is that they are rumored to be released on the day Sarah Palin's interview with Oprah is broadcast.  Oh and I know a few of you want to know the answer to the $35,000 question.  Yes, I would pose nude for $35,000 so if any of you want to raise the money, I'll just wait for the check to clear before they get posted.  I would also need a photographer because whenever I try, I lose my balance.

For the last two years Lindsay Lohan was banned from a New York City nightclub because she apparently was going around telling people that Justin Timberlake was cheating on Jessica Biel with someone inside the club when he visited.  Well this week the club lifted the ban.  The club was being affected by the recession so they figured to bring back Lindsay because wherever Lindsay Lohan parties booze profits skyrocket.  Another reason why Lindsay is good for the economy is that she creates jobs.  It's more than just security jobs that are created.  She also creates hand jobs and blow jobs behind the dumpsters of the nightclub.

This photo is every pharmacist's dream come true.  I am getting a contact high just looking at Lindsay and Paula Abdul.

Lindsay also got a new tattoo this week.  I think the tattoo artist misspelled it.  The tattoo should read: "If found lying down in a pool of vomit, please prop up and point in the direction of the nearest bar."

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom celebrated their love by getting their initials tattooed on their hands.  So Khloe got L.O. tattooed and Lamar got K.O. tattooed on his hand.  I am so against getting someone else's name tattooed on your body.  What happens if they break up?  I guess Khloe could get hers changed to LOL which would be her way of making fun of her marriage.  I guess Lamar could turn into a boxer and use that hand to knock out his opponent, but if he did that, I would be fearful for Khloe.

Katy Perry turned 25 this week.  You know that could be a family portrait.  I do see a resemblance between her and the troll dolls.

I take back everything bad that I have ever said about Katy.  She won Liberace's scarf in an online auction and turned into a top.  That takes talent.

Kate Gosslein answered viewer mail on a recent episode of Jon and Kate Exploit 8.  She said that she wants to get into acting in movies after her reality series is dead.  Hmm I hear they are remaking Predator...oops...Roman Polanski was cast for that role already.  Let's hope she could get cast in a remake of Cujo.  If you think I am going for a joke where I would say Kate is perfect for the role of a mother who lets her child die, then you would be wrong.  I was going to say that Kate could play the part of a rabid bitch perfectly.

Jodie Sweetin is releasing an autobiography detailing her life of drug abuse.  The book is called Unsweetined.  I think it should have been called How Rude because some of the things she talks about is pretty depressing.  She talks about drinking two bottles of wine at Candance Cameron's wedding: "I probably had two bottles of wine, and I was only 14. That first drink gave me the self confidence I had been searching for my whole life. But that set the pattern of the kind of drinking that I would do."  She also talks about how she appeared on Good Morning America and claimed to be sober but when she appeared she was on a chemical substance: "I was selfish, self-serving, insecure, angry and fearful person living a double life. I covered up my problems by pretending to be happy and saying that everything was fine."  She also describes being high at a movie premire of the Olsen Twins: "I was pulling off the deceit. It was hard for people to believe I was doing that much drugs. I look at photos from that event, and I didn't even look strung out!"  Well in her defense I don't think anyone over the age of 12 could sit through a movie featuring the Olsen Twins and be sober.

Gordon Ramsay got some plastic surgery on his chin on the advice of Simon Cowell.  Hopefully the tightened face and chin will not stop Chef Ramsay from sharing his poetry such as, "YOU BLOODY FUCKING COW!" or "YOU MOTHERFUCKING CUNT PIECE OF SHIT!" or "I DON'T WANT FUCKING ASPARAGUS ON THAT BLOODY PLAT YOU DONKEY!"

Dita Von Teese recently admitted that the reason she got breast implants was because she did so many drugs and the LSD destroyed her real breasts.  I don't know how that is possible but...KIDS, DON'T DO DRUGS!  As in the words of Creed Bratton, "Au naturale baby, that’s how I like ‘em. Swing low sweet chariots."

You pick the joke: 
A. Chafing is a bitch, I need to moisturize all the time. 
B.  Diddy's stage shows have gotten very sexual ever since he got sponsored by Viagra. 
C.  And this is how you properly examine for testicular cancer. 
D.  This doesn't make sense since just saying Diddy is a joke in and of itself.

Awwww...Clint Eastwood reminds me of my grandpa, my grandpa that was an action movie star.  This photo was taken right after Clint woke up from his nap on the set of his upcoming movie.  He looks confused because he can't find his Werther's Originals.

This is a poster for the new A-Team movie.  That's Bradley Cooper as Face, Quintin Jackson as B.A. Baracus, Sharlto Copley as Mad Dog, and Liam Neeson as Hannibal.  Oh man I am getting harder...I mean eager with anticipation.

Here's something for the ladies.  Andy Dick dressed as a drug addicted, ankle monitor wearing, pervert for Halloween.  Yes, I know that's how he always dresses but it's my joke.  Actually Andy looks pretty good now that he is sober which makes sense because a sober Dick is always more productive than a drunk Dick.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is on a break from the production of the sequel to Phantom of the Opera because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Come on, he'll be OK.  This is the guy who gave us Cats.  He has to have a few lives left.  Oh and a couple weeks ago I mentioned how Dennis Hopper was ill and in the hopsital.  Well he as diagnosed with prostate cancer as well.  Seriously, send these two guys some positive thoughts or prayers. 

Andre Agassi has admitted in an autobiography that he used crystal meth while he was on the tennis tour.  He also says that it wasn't that bad that he never got addicted.  He even got out of a positive test by telling the drug testers that he drank a soda laced with meth.  You know, if I was married to Brooke Shields, I'd probably do meth too.  I just think this is a ploy to sell books because Agassi has dropped off the radar in recent years.

This is supposedly the new album cover for Adam Lambert's upcoming album.  I am actually speechless.  All I can muster is...wow.

The economy is hitting 50 Cent very hard.  He was at a night club recently and he could only afford to spend $122,000 on drinks.  Of course he had his crew of 15 girls with him so it wasn't like he was doing the drinking by himself.  I am shocked that 15 girls would want to hang around 50 Cent.  He is after all known to attract more bullets than Abraham Lincoln's head....wait, too soon?

What is wrong with this recent picture of Amy Winehouse?  Some may have said the implants but she is obviously serious about those.  No, it's the water.  She's drinking plain water.  Never in a million years would I have thought that I would see Amy Winehouse drinking something non-alcoholic.


So does this publicity stunt help or harm her career?  I actually think her breast implants may hamper her singing career because they may provide extra strain on her breathing and diaphragm.  Oh and another thing, I think when a lady considers implants, she should also consider the effects on her wardrobe. It looks like Amy's dress can't contain her new chesticles.  I really hope that she is happy; I know I am semi-happy.

Britney Spears' father, Jamie, is trying to resurrect her career.  He has been firing people in Britney's entourage left and right and Britney has no clue what is going on.  Some close to her have said that she has become a zombie.  Hmmm so she's a zombie?  What job could a zombie get in this economy?  A job hosting The View or a news commentator on FOX News?  I know what will get her career on track: losing her uterus and staying away from straight and fertile men.

Video Section:
Melissa Joan Hart tried to insult Jimmy Kimmel.  You can't insult an aspiring roast comedian.  I think she probably cried after that interview.

So I hope you enjoyed.  Have a good weekend. 

So I had a bit of excitement last night.  One of my cats, the one that is calm and subdued, decided she needed to break from that mold and do some exploring.  Somehow she ends up on my entertainment center where I keep a bottle of cologne.  I keep it there for a quick fix before I leave the house.  Anyway she knocked over the bottle and it spilled and of course she decided to take an Irish shower and get it all over herself.  I spent a great deal trying to wash it out of her fur.  I mean cologne isn't supposed to be ingested by humans even though the hobos drink it.  I just figured it would be worse for a cat.  Anyway I drenched her and scrubbed it out and then I had to dry.  Last night and today have been interesting because she wants nothing to do with me although she just decided to sleep next to the computer.  I have to say, her fur is extra fluffy but she smells like Tommy Hilfiger.

#1.  So you want to get high?  You want to take a hallucinogenic drug?  Here is a list of all you need to know.  My favorite section is the plants and drugs where they list out basically every drug.  Go into the section on plants and see if you can find anything at home.  Sadly I didn't find banana peels.  Remember that myth, baking the scrapings of a peel was supposed to get you high when it was smoked.  HA!  They do list Morning Glory seeds but you need 100-200 seeds for a common dose.  Why am I doing this?  Kids, don't do drugs.

#2.  I found this video of a little quiz.  Who Said It?  Kanye West or Adolf Hitler.  The results could be surprising.

#3.  I was thinking of submitting my cat story to something like LOLCats but I realized my cats were just avergae cats.  Then I found this site: AverageCats.

#4.  I stumbled upon a site that I am sure is a fetish somewhere.  It's called Skinny Girls, Big Sandwiches.  The name is self-explanatory.  I am sure someone out there is getting off on that site.  Sandwiches aren't as sexy as ice cream cones or popsicles.

#5.  I don't know if this is real or not but it does say out of stock.  It's dog food for humans.  The only thing that throws me off is the website name.  Maybe I am what the title says.  I honestly think it is a believable product.  I mean this summer there was a church in the area that held a special service for pets where they were blessed by the officiant so why can't people get look alike food that they could put in a bowl so they could eat with their beloved pet.

#6.  So this is one of those name generator websites.  You enter your name and information and they give you a random name.  Well this one is the Douchebag Name Generator.  It is hilarious.

#7.  You have probably seen this site by now.  This is how long I have been sitting on this link.  I had it originally sent to me when the site was about 2 weeks old.  Anyway, here is People of Walmart.  I haven't been on the site lately but I am sure I will be posted at some point.

#8.  This site makes me miss Henry, our "frat" house dog.  Oh Henry, you're probably in hell being chased by semitrucks and being humped by pillows and blankets but I still miss you.  Oh and I bet DVDs and remote controls are eating you and there probably isn't anyone that is putting tables over your droppings.  Yeah, I should say that Henry loved his beer as do all these animals.

#9.  Here's a fun game...Monopoly City Streets.  Play it, you'll like it.

#10.  Have you ever noticed that football announcers aren't that bright?  I think announcers are proof positive that playing football can mess with your head.  Anyway, here is a collection of some of the worst mistakes football announcers have ever made.

#11.  The Wisconsin Tourism Federation had to change their name because people kept confusing their title with some internet jargon.  WTF!

#12.  Here is a new search engine that is going to give google a run for it's money...Blackmetle(Black Metal+Google).  Trust me it will catch on.

#13.  I don't like public bathrooms.  They just seem so dirty.  The only thing that redeems them is graffiti and here is a collection of some of the funniest.

#14.  These two screen shots are spreading through the internet.  First off this one describes the situation and this one has the punchline.  READ THE LAST LINE!  OMG!

#15.  I know some of you are planning for a Christmas vacation.  Let wikitravel help.  Here is a handy travel guide for one of the coolest destinations in the world, Mogadishu. 

In case any of you wanted to know what it is like to be me, well, this is a pretty accurate depiction.  You know, sometimes lube is a necessity.

So last week I didn't make this post because Cocky was on vacation.

Me: So Cocky how was your week off?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my week getting off.
Me: Umm...no.
Cocky: Anyway, fruit pie, I went back to my native Scotland.
Me: Oh yeah?  How was that?
Cocky: Oh it was exhausting and nerve-wracking.
Me: How was it nerve-wracking?
Cocky:  Well there was an incident and the police were after me, it was just a mess but I did get to see all my old friends and family.
Me: If the police were after you, how did you get around?
Cocky:  Oh I hid under a few kilts.
Me: So there really is a Cocky underneath a Scotsman's kilt.
Cocky: And I smuggled in a crate of our sponsor's goods under my kilt.

Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I really like this girl and I want her to like me.  People think I am pretty dumb and a goof but I really am smart.  I know this girl is interested in languages.  I am wondering which language I should learn so that I may impress her.
                                         Language Learner in Lodi

Me: Well, first off I would say never do something like learning a language because it may impress a girl but you should do it to better yourself.  With that in my, I may suggest Latin because then the other Romantic languages would be easier to learn and no, I don't mean romance kiss kiss languages but languages derived from Latin, the language of the Romans.  If you can get an understanding of Latin then French, Italian, and Spanish will come easy for you.  But if you want to skip that and go to a hot language, I would suggest Italian.  I could tell you stories.
Cocky:  Forget learning a language.  All you need to do to impress a girl with your tongue is to learn how to tie knots in cherry stems.  Do that on a first date and you're a shoe in for a second date and that is when you show her other tricks your tongue can do.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
So I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now and don't get me wrong but we have spectacular sex.  It's just that I am curious about doing something different.  Some may consider what I want to be immoral or uncomfortable.  I hear my friends talking about it and I have been curious.  What I want to know is, how do I get my girlfriend to let me have butt sex with her?
                                         Anal in Antigo

Me: Well if it hadn't come up in your previous love-making sessions then maybe she just isn't that into it.  BUt if you want to initiate things and are too shy to bring it up, maybe caress her down there but really if she isn't mentioning it, then it isn't on the agenda.
Cocky: Damn...well my fighting coach, Jose, always tells me "peck and move, peck and move" so I guess you follow his advice...peck and if she doesn't like it, you move because she'll get kicking.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
So the NBA season has started.  Who you got?
                                         NBA Lover in North Freedom

Me: Well this one I haven't really thought of because I am not much of an NBA fan.  I think some of the prices those guys are paid to play a game is ridiculous but that's just me.  Is there still a team in Seattle?  I think the odds on favorites for the Finals will be the Cavaliers and the Lakers but due to the catastrophic downfall of the Cavs in last season's playoffs, I will pick the Orlando Magic and the Denver Nuggets to make the Finals with Orlando winning.
Cocky: This is a simple question...Atlanta Hawks, baby!  They will win it all.  You know, I have to support my own.
Me: But who will they face in the Finals?
Cocky: Hmmm what wakes me up every morning?  The Suns.  Atlanta over the Suns.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I run with a tough crowd in high school.  Well a few of my friends didn't like the grades our English teacher gave them.  They decided to get back at the teacher by vandalizing her house.  They did a wicked job.  Now I don't approve of what they did nor did I plan or participate.  I had nothing to do with it but I get along with this teacher and I feel so bad that it had to happen to her.  What should I do?
                                       Ruffian in Rock Springs

Me: The first thing you should do is sit down with your parents and come clean and then suggest that you go with them and tell your school's principal.  You need your parents with you because every kid needs adult representation in the school system.  Tell the principal the truth and let him or her sort it out because that is why they get paid the big bucks and have special parking spaces.
Cocky: Oh my god, turn this poor kid into a narc?  See what you really want to do is tell these friends you have the evidence of what they did and then hold it over them for blackmail or you could possibly drop hints in an essay for your teacher that you know who did the act but will only tell her for better grades or monetary reimbursement.  If none of that works, two words: throat punches.
Me: But whom would she punch in the throat?
Cocky: Don't bother me son, I say, I say leave me be, I'm on a roll.
Me: Yeah, if you would punch someone in the throat, you would be on a roll, a Kaiser roll and you would be chicken salad.
Cocky: Ouch

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a 27-year-old man interested in a woman at work. We are almost the same age and have an excellent work relationship. Due to sexual harassment laws and other workplace laws, it is difficult to ask someone out at work. How can I do this without risking my job?
                                          Office Man in Ontario

Me: Well in the old days, it was considered bad form to fish in the office pool.  If you work at a company with a personnel office, I would ask them for relationship guidelines. A number of businesses protect themselves from harassment lawsuits by not allowing employees to fraternize, especially employees in dominant and subordinate jobs. There are both federal and state laws to consider here, so I would not begin to guess what applies. I think you would be wise to clarify your position and responsibilities. Remember, girlfriends either become former girlfriends or wives. An angry former girlfriend could be a walking lawsuit.
Cocky:  You go up to her and say, "You, me, bottle of scotch, dance floor, 8PM."  If that doesn't work then you start following her home and making a detailed list of her routines and then at work you mention some of those routines.  Like if she jogs you ask her where she jogs and if you can come with but not as a jogger, maybe just following her in a car because if you work in a cubicle there's probably no way at 27 you could jog.  Then you go to company records and find her home phone number.  Forget asking her for it because if you surprise her with a call at 2AM then there is no way she could forget you.  After the detailed routine and phone calls at 2AM, you make her a collage of photos that you secretly take of her throughout the day when she isn't paying attention.  Trust me, this will work and get you plenty of attention.

OK, that is it for this week and I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com.

How was everyone's Tuesday?  Mine was OK except for the library across the street is undergoing renovations and they started work before I got up.  Nothing quite like hearing hammering at 5AM.  Then I get home and it was non-stop pounding until about 8PM.

I had some witty things to say but I have forgotten them, mostly because of the hammering which has given me a headache.

An ironic t-shirt typically has a double meaning. In addition to whatever the shirt says it usually means you’re an ass.

My aunt went to the hospital this afternoon with severe pain and they admitted her.  The strange thing is that her symptoms sounds exactly with what I am going through.  I hope she has better luck than what I have had in treating this.

I forgot to mention that I went to the haunted bar on Friday night.  It was strange because they had kareoke and the owner DJed.  Well for some strange reason the music in the backroom where I was sitting kept turning on even though the bartender had shut it off.  I also had a strange encounter with two girls who were celebrating Halloween a week early. 

OK here's your weekly dose of motivation:

OK I should apologize because the desire for sex ruins life.  I am also curious who took a photo of me and turned into one of those posters.

Stay tuned, I have a specatular post coming soon.

Previously on Freaks and Geeks: Previously on Freaks and Geeks: Pilot, Beers and Weirs, Tricks and Treats, Kim Kelly is My Friend, Tests and Breasts, I'm with the Band, Carded and Discarded, Girlfriends and Boyfriends, We've Got Spirit, The Diary, Looks and Books, The Garage Door, Chokin' and Tokin', Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers, Noshing and Moshing, Smooching and Mooching, The Little Things.

The final episode of Freaks and Geeks was written and directed by series creator Paul Feig.

Plot Summary: Daniel is sentenced to audio/visual class as punishment for attempting to pull the fire alarm to get out of taking a test. Lindsay is accepted to a two-week academic summit, but isn't excited about going. Nick has a new girlfriend and takes up disco dancing.  The geeks find a new friend.

OK I promised I wouldn't get emotional but here were are at the end of the series.  18 weeks, what a long strange trip it's been.  I have to use that lyric because this episode does feature The Grateful Dead's music.  When they filmed this episode it was filmed after episode 12 just in case they were canceled and low and behold...fuck NBC.  So many ideas were stuffed into this episode and it sort of alludes to the future.  This is the end.  This was the perfect ending for what seems like an 18 hour documentary exploring the struggles of every American teenager trying to find their place in society.  Actually, except for one glaring error, I think this is one of the best series finales in television history.

First off there is a Daniel storyline but to start with that storyline we have to examine Neal, Bill, Sam, and the others.  They are walking down the hall and Sam is predicting that he will get another girlfriend.  This sort of points to the future and how they wanted to take season 2.  Sam would become popular and leave behind his geek friends and this is evidenced when Sam says he doesn't want to be a geek anymore when the jocks dump the books on the floor.  The geeks find their sanctuary in Dungeons and Dragons and A/V club where they seemingly lust after a reel of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

Daniel is having academic problems.  He plans on cheating but his plans fall through so he does the only thing he can think of under pressure, pulling the fire alarm.  Oh such shenanigans.  In my years as a student I have only heard of those things being pulled when people were playing ultimate Frisbee in the hallway or drunkenly emptying fire extinguishers in the hallway.  As a teacher I had an autistic student pull the fire alarm because he said it told him to pull.  Before Daniel pulls the fire alarm he is caught by Mr. Rosso who then tries to be cool and fails.  Rosso sentences Daniel to work the A/V club.  Well the geeks don't like it because their sanctuary is being invaded by someone like Daniel.  Sam, however, is optimistic and he thinks this may be his chance.  There is a painful scene where Daniel has to show a Romeo and Juliet to an English class and he is belittled by the teacher.  Kim, Lindsay, and Nick are disgusted by Daniel.  Then Daniel ends up breaking up with Kim because he tries to vent his frustration but she makes fun of him.  Think of all the times in the previous episodes where Kim vents to Daniel but she doesn't offer that shoulder.  Well Daniel is invited to play Dungeons and Dragons by Harris who in a previous episode mentioned that Daniel would be good for the game.  Surprisingly the geeks loved having Daniel around despite earlier consternation.  The geeks opine if they are cool and once again this leads to what the future may have held.  Sam and Bill becoming cool and Neal sliding into a gothic-type phase.

I have to admit that I once played a Dungeons and Dragons type game in high school.  I think that you think I'm cool, right?

The Nick story was inevitable.  They had to include disco into the series because it was a big thing at that time.  We see Nick has a new love interest although he may not totally be over Lindsay.  The freaks disrupt Nick at the disco and we see the DJ is the clothing salesman played by Joel Hodgson.  The freaks don't understand Nick's new thing for disco and he buries himself when he compares that music to Led Zeppelin.  I love how Ken begs Lindsay to start dating Nick again so he drops disco.  We see that Nick never got his drum kit back so he is probably out of that.  He then has a heart to heart with Lindsay before his dance contest.  She breaks his heart and you can see that he is crushed but he still performs.  I have to say his dancing was very nice.   There are differing stories as to what may have happened to Nick.  Some say that he would clean up and join the military with his new girlfriend/wife in tow.  Another possibility was that he never got over Lindsay and would stalk her throughout the next season.

Lindsay's storyline was great because it included some of my favorite music, The Grateful Dead.  Lindsay is awarded a chance to attend a state academic summit and she is stressed by this.  Mr. Rosso gives her one of the best albums of all time, American Beauty by The Grateful Dead.  The hippies see Lindsay with this album and they say one of the most profound things: we wish that we could erase it from our mind so that we could hear it for the first time all over again.  That album is like that and I would say Dark Side of the Moon is a better example.  Anyway I still remember the first time I listened to American Beauty in its entirety.  Lindsay takes home the album and listens to it and I think one of the hottest moments in the series occurs when she dances to "Box of Rain".  The hippies talk to Lindsay about how they tour and follow the Dead around during the summer and this gets Lindsay thinking.  She tells Kim and Kim talks about how she never leaves the town and wants to get out.  Well the time comes for Lindsay to leave for the summit.  Neal and Bill show up along with the Weirs family.  Neal somewhat professes his love for Lindsay but she shoots him down.  Lindsay gets on the bus and end of story...nope...she gets off at the first stop met by Kim and the hippies.  They hop in the hippie van and cruise, my favorite song by The Grateful Dead plays("Ripple"), the glaring error occurs, and roll credits.

The storylines for Lindsay would probably have seen her becoming a deadhead and being a burnout.  There was also a rumor that they would explore a possible pregnancy scare with Lindsay with her new boyfriend in the second season, none other than Daniel.  You could see that happening because he was so welcoming of her and always seemed to be interested in her.  The commentaries say that they wanted to explore a storyline of Daniel going to jail.  They also said it would point to Daniel becoming a low life and going in and out of prison.  Kim' storyline could have been positive in that she would become geek-like and start pulling good grades so she could get into a major college and out of her home.  Sadly we will never know what happens.

I like to think that Sam and the geeks stayed together in high school and then became cool in college.  Sam probably went to business school.  Neal probably pursued comedy and was part of the founders of The Onion at the UW where his brother metriculated.  Bill, because of his love of Dallas, probably went on to work for an oil company.  I see Ken joining his father's business after high school and running that.  Kim I like to think got out and made something of herself.  I see Nick doing that military thing.  I also see Daniel and Lindsay making a living through activism and being married.  These are just my opinions so take them for what you will.

Things to Watch For:  The glaring error in the final scene is that the hippie van passes a late 90s model minivan.  The show was set in 1980-81.

Dave Allen played Mr. Rosso and Mr. Fleck is played by Steve Higgins, who, along with Allen and Higgins' brother David Anthony Higgins (from "Ellen" and "Malcolm in the Middle"), were the stars of "The Higgins Boys and Gruber," one of the first series on The Comedy Channel (one of the two channels, along with Ha!, that merged into Comedy Central). The creator and producer of that show? Mr. Joel Hodgson, who played the DJ.

And speaking of Hodgson, I've neglected until now to mention that one of his "MST3K" co-stars, Trace Beaulieu, appeared repeatedly on this series as the biology teacher, Mr. Lacovara. He has a very funny moment here in the cafeteria, where after assuring Lindsay that attending the summit put him on the path to his current level of success, he turns and knocks over a student's lunch tray. As the students all jeer, he raises his hand and says, "That was me! I'm a clumsy clod!" in an overly-cheerful way that suggests he suffered many such humiliations when he was younger before learning that self-deprecation is the only way to survive them. (God, this show was great with the little moments like that, wasn't it?)

The beret Sam wears while playing D&D.

Music: "Hot Number" by Foxy; "Box of Rain" and "Ripple" by The Grateful Dead; "I Don't Want to Be a Freak" by Dynasty; "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor; "The Groove Line" by Heatwave; "Space Funk" by Paul Feig

Trivia:  This episode was shot after episode 12 so the producers would have a final episode to air for when the show was cancelled and production was stopped.

Daniel and the Geeks are playing D&D using a copy of the Players Handbook with the Jeff Easley cover art. This was not issued until 1983.

While Nick (Jason Segel) and Sarah (Lizzy Caplan) are practicing their disco in Nick's home, Nick says, "I know, Liz, I'm kind of freaked out about it." Her character's name is Sarah - Liz is her real name.

When Daniel is setting up the movie in the English class, the poster of books behind him shows "The Color Purple". This book wasn't written until 1982.

Quotes:
Mr. Rosso: Don't think you're the Fonz or something? If a jukebox was broken, think you could hit it and it would start playing?

Bill: He thinks being the Dungeon Master gives him the license to mess with our heads.
Harris: Oh, I'm sorry. Perhaps I should let you encounter kittens and grandmas, so as not to upset you.

Bill: Does him wanting to play with us again mean he's turning into a geek or we're turning into cool guys?
Sam: I'm going to go for us becoming cool guys.

DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling "Disco sucks?" What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock 'n' roll" teaches you?
Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!!
DJ: Disco is alive! It's alive, I tell you! You know it, and I know it, and Miss Gloria Gaynor knows it, too!

Daniel: Greetings Princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain and you're free to rule your kingdom.

Nick: They didn't say you're allowed to do magic!

Harold: You're not lying, are you, Sam?
Sam: No.
Harold: 'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you?
Sam: They end up getting killed in jail.
Harold: Right.

With all that being said, here is the final episode of Freaks and Geeks, enjoy!

I am sorry about the length of this post (hey, it's not too often that I get to apologize for something being too long) but I loved this series and it really meant a lot to me so I thank all of you who enjoyed these episodes and "watched" along with me.

Before we begin the mash-up madness, here are some photos I promised.  Just a note, the leaves are from last fall.  This fall they weren't as vivid.  The cold weather followed by warm and then freezing really took it's toll and they never turned.  Most of the other pictures come from this summer.

OK so this is my side yard.  I put those windsocks up because I was having a squirrel and rabbit problem.  Apparently the motion will scare them away.  It was to no avail.  The rabbits burrowed into my yard but they were on the receiving end of my hose.


One of those trees is my neighbor's actually so I guess that doesn't count.

These are my delicious apples.  They don't look that delicious because we didn't have much rain this year so they never fully developed.

These are my Jonathon apples early in the season.  I demand your respect because I grow those organically.

Oh...Amish...notice how you can tell the Amish have been on the road...yes, it's fun seeing steaming piles of horse shit outside my house because they don't like to take their buggies through the main street in town.

They also hog the damn road.

This is a fun German restaurant located across the highway from an Air Force base.

This is my favorite.  It's a roadside produce stand.  Notice there is some produce sitting on the table but there isn't a worker.  Well it's operated on the honor system.  The people that run the stand are part of the German Baptist religion.  They are sort of like Amish but they believe in electricity and cars.  I like to call them the electric Amish.  Anyway they have the suggested price for the food and then you drop the money in the grey post next to that flower pot.  Stands like that are all over the place around here.  I am amazed by the honesty.

The Mash-Up Madness

This one has elements of three songs or at least I think I am picking up three songs.  "White Wedding" by Billy Idol, "Other Side" by Red Hot Chili Peppers, and "Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas.  I am mixed on this one.

I think this could be the WTF mash-up of the week.  "Country Grammar" by Nelly mixed with "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.  Maybe I am over thinking that because "Sweet Home Alabama" has been sampled by so many bands, I'm pointing at you Kid Rock.

Remember when I said Eminem is commonlly mashed?  Well here is his song "Without Me" mashed up with Shakira's "Wherever". I can sort of get into this one.

Well that is all for this week.  I hope you enjoy.

Tonight was great...where to start?  I went down to see my friends, J and L, and my goddaughter.  She is so cute, just a little cut-up.  The only downfall was I get about 20 miles or so from my house and I realize that I forgot her birthday presents.  Anyway that got sorted because I asked my parents to pick them up because they had plans on going out for supper and shopping.   So we ate at a restaurant that was converted from a barn.  It was great food.  I had a Luther Burger.  I am trying to figure out if it was named after Martin Luther.  It did contain the holy trinity of meat: hamburger, bacon, and chicken tenders.  The place had some other great burgers; a Packers burger which was a bacon cheeseburger but topped with a bratwurst and a sunshine burger which I believe had Canadian bacon and was topped with a fried egg.  After that we went back to their house and my goddaughter loved her presents.  I got her a couple dresses, a plush bumble bee, a toy camera, and a drum kit.  She was playing the drums about as well as Meg White so I was pleased with that.  Then J and I went to the Old Baraboo Inn, the haunted bar I frequent.  It was packed for a birthday party.  No ladies there for me, either they were married or not into dudes.  Oh well it was still a great night...on to the round up....some images may not be safe for work or for life.

Here's something for the ladies.  Zac Efron turned 22 this week.  Really?  Only 22?  I thought he was much younger.  22...I guess he shouldn't be doing anymore movies where he plays a high school student.  He's actually pretty ancient for any Disney production...RUN ZAC RUN!

FOX announced that they are in works to adapt a sitcom based around the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan.  They are set to have Wilmer Valderrama play the lead.  Wow, when will FOX learn?  Did they learn nothing from that sitcom based around Emeril called Emeril?  Did they learn nothing from Kitchen Confidential...of course Anthony Bourdain wasn't a reality star when that aired.  Didn't they learn anything from Dark Angel; Titus; Undeclared; Action; That 80's Show; Wonderfalls; Fastlane; Andy Richter Controls the Universe; Skin; Girls Club; Cracking Up; The Pitts; Firefly; Get Real; FreakyLinks; Wanda At Large; Costello; The Lone Gunmen; A Minute With Stan Hooper; Normal, Ohio; Pasadena; Harsh Realm; Keen Eddie; The Street; American Embassy; Cedric the Entertainer; The Tick; Louie; and Greg the Bunny?  Sorry had to borrow that one from Family Guy, another great show canceled by FOX.

Trent Reznor got married last weekend.  He married his girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig.  It was hard to find out about this marriage because Trent quit blogging and Twittering because of how racist freaks attacked him because of his girlfriend.  Well one of Trent's friends was on Twitter and announced that Trent was married.  I wonder now if she gets to find out if that rumor of how he got the name for his band, Nine Inch Nails, is true. 

Tommy Chong smoked a whole mess of weed this week.

Stephanie Pratt, "star" of The Hills and sister of Spencer, was arrested for DUI this week.  When she was pulled over she failed a field sobriety test and then she blew a .09 on the breathalyzer.  The reason she was pulled over was because one of her headlights was blown out.  Stephanie has made two accusations.  First, she says that the cops were waiting for her to leave the bar.  Second, she claims that her brother and the other producers of The Hills knew she was drinking so they tampered with her car so she would get pulled over so there would be a new storyline for the upcoming season.  Which is more believable to you?  Since we don't live in Nazi Germany where the cops laid in wait for people to mess up, I'm going with the second accusation.  It doesn't help Spencer's case in innocence when he wears a black cowboy hat because we know only bad guys wear black cowboy hats.  He also twirls his flesh colored mustache like a villain so go figure.

Oh Paris Hilton...you never looked better.  Well Paris is making a cameo role in an upcoming Will Ferrel movie and her scene required her to be on set for one day.  Paris made some huge demands.  She required a dozen live lobsters and a case of Grey Goose vodka for one day of work.  Well I don't think those were for her but for the living things in her crotch region.  Her crabs are carnivores....Paris writes her own jokes.

Rihanna released a new single this week.  In the cover she looks like she escaped from one of the Saw movies.  It looks uncomfortable but maybe she digs the BDSM.  Then I got thinking, where have I seen that album cover before?  Yes, I am horrible that I would know that.

Olivia Munn...omgomgomgomgomgomgomg

Octo Crazy admitted that she found Jon Gosslein to be "hot".  Now that would be a show I would pay to see.  It would be AWESOME.  Jon and Crazy Plus 22!  The good thing is that if he did go for Octo Crazy, she would probably less of a nag than Kate of course he would have to worry about having his genitals super-glued to his stomach or thigh while he slept.

SPOILER ALERT!  Miley Cyrus is going to be in the new Sex and the City movie.  Apparently the plot line involves Miley showing up to some awards show wearing the same outfit as Sam.  DAMN THAT'S COMEDY GOLD!  So that's Miley, Liza Minelli, Penelope Cruz, and Tim Gunn.  So the movie will be cameos and that's it.

At a nightclub recently, Mariah Carey made a request in honor of her husband, Nick Cannon's, birthday.  She requested the song go out to DJ Sex Fingers.  Whoa...I thought that was Sam Ronson's DJ name.  I bet none of you knew I used to be a DJ...well you would if you read my blogs, I drop hints.  My DJ names were DJ Hung Like a Celebrity Gossip Blogger and DJ Licks His Own Eyebrows.  I was popular but not for my music.  Misleading names for the win!

Lindsay Lohan posed with Donatella Versace at a recent fashion show.  Were they separated at birth?  I think this would be a good anti-drug commercial.  Ah...I can't look, it may make me quit blogging.

No this is not a Lindsay Lohan mugshot...SURPRISE!  She looks like she crawled out of a gutter and is trying to sell a half and half for $20.  She needs help or she won't be around here much longer.

Lily Allen made a brief appearance this week.  She went on the balcony of a hotel where she was staying.  This is why I love her but damn her boyfriend who has to ruin everything for us.

Larry King's hair is real, baby!  I wish I had such luxurious locks.

Kourtney Kardashian was photographed at a nightclub the other night.  Here's my question, ladies: which trimester is it that you stop going to nightclubs dressed to "hook-up"?

Katie Holmes recently said that she lets Suri pick out her outfits.  AH-HA!  Black bra with a black sheer top...Suri is a hussy!  I guess it makes sense, Suri dressing a robot.

Hey kids, want to have a scary Halloween?  Here's a little known fact.  If you go into a darkened room and look into a mirror and say "Kate Gosslein" three times, she will appear and suck out your soul and reason to live and when she is done doing that she will nag you to death.

John Krasinski turned 30 this week.  That makes me feel so insignificant.  I have to be honest here.  He was the reason I didn't really watch The Office.  There was just something about him that I couldn't stand.  Oh well we made our amends.

Heidi Montag proved to be the worst human being ever to live.  She wouldn't attend her sister Holly's birthday because the club where the party was held refused to pay Heidi's appearance fee.  You'd think she'd have to pay to get into clubs.  If she wants people to pay her just to hang-out, maybe she should join a sorority.

David Cross was at a White House Correspondents Dinner and he snorted some coke 40 feet away from the president.  Of course he didn't get caught because the security was so tight.  No, he snorts the coke, not the pop but the drug, 40 feet from Obama.  Good thing David never did that while Bush was in office.  Bush would have bogarted David's stash. 

This may be the first post-op photo of Chaz Bono.  You know, if Chaz scores with girls, I may stand a chance.  Why does he look like a frat boy so quickly after his sex change?  Pop that collar, Chaz.

Carrie Prejean, former Miss California, isn't fading into obscurity that fast.  She is being sued by the production company of the pageants for the money they gave her to get breast implants.  They want the money or the implants.  Now does she unzip them or....?  So this is a counter-suit to her lawsuit for unlawful termination.  In the official counter-suit, the lawyers quoted the Bible numerous times.  Oh great, this means she is going to be entering the gates of martyrdom on FOX News...AGAIN!

Cameron Diaz and Mike Meyers(I went with Cameron Diaz because she looks better.  You have to admit that too.) have been banned by a movie studio to use Twitter.  The studio doesn't want them using the micro-blogging service so they won't leak information about this new movie they are working on.  Well movie studio, you just gave away what movie they are working on by banning both of them at the same time.  Hmmm what movies have Cameron and Mike filmed together?  None...haha I know your rouse!  They voiced all three Shrek movies so currently they must be working on Shrek 4.  Now if only movie studios would do this to Demi and Ashton or Heidi and Spencer.

This has nothing to do with Christian Bale so relax.  Brett Easton Ellis recently said that the character Patrick Bateman in the movie and book American Psycho was based on Tom Cruise.  He saw how Cruise acted during an interview on Letterman and the proverbial light bulb was illuminated.  I think it makes perfect sense.  I know some people have trouble watching American Psycho but truly the book makes the movie look like something produced by Disney.  Well if you will excuse me, I have to go return some videotapes.

53 year old Bob Saget was at a nightclub this week and he was approached by a very attractive 22 year old girl.  Bob immediately left and didn't say a thing.  You know he probably left because he was in such shock that a woman talked to him without discussing how much he had to pay her.  Bob, you really should appreciate a young girl approaching you because the next time a girl that young comes to talk with you, she'll probably be there to change your bedpans.

I wonder if Bill Murray is practicing his zombie face for Halloween.  I really like Bill and I can see why women would fall for him.  He is a very hot ma---I've said too much.  How about that local sports team?  Can you believe what they did or didn't do?  Do yourself a favor and see Zombieland.

Ashlee Simpson was basically fired from Melrose Place.  Well...her character was written off the show so I guess that is being fired.  This is so sad.  I blame President Obama.  Where are the millions of jobs that he was going to create?  It's a crying shame that an untalented, wannabe hipster, white person like Ashlee can't land a job standing on an X saying or singing words written by someone else.  I DEMAND A RECALL!  Thank you, Battlin' Bob!  "America is not made, it is in the making. Mere passive citizenship is not enough. Men must be aggressive for what is right if government is to be saved from those who are aggressive for what is wrong."  I will not stand by and let our government run roughshod over Hollywood's untalented.

A-Rod?  Really?  You have Kate Hudson and you want to grab a piece of Jeter?  Well I guess it is to be expected when all he does for a living is play with bats and balls.

I was just thinking about something from a conversation I was having about how movies no longer really promote themselves through their soundtrack anymore.  I remember when every blockbuster movie came out with a huge soundtrack release.  Well Adam Lambert is supposedly on the soundtrack for the upcoming 2012 movie.  As I reported a while back Brian May of Queen says it could be the greatest song of all time.  Well I am just curious if it is out because I want to hear it.  Anyway don't worry, Adam's still gay.  He just took time out to partake in America's true national past-time, playing with boobs.


One thing I have come to love about Halloween is the costumes that celebrities wear.  Adrienne Curry took time to post some of her costume ideas on her Twitter.  Starting in top left going clockwise:  Silk Spectre from Watchmen, Princess Leia, Amy Winehouse, and Wonder Woman.  OK I call shenanigans on that Amy Winehouse costume.  We all know she doesn't shoot up in her arm.  She shoots up in her butt.

Amy Winehouse opened her shirt a little to show off the new D-cup implants.  Man...that's like putting a fresh coat of paint on a pile of dog crap.

Britney looks great, but there is something missing.  I just can't put my finger on it.  Oh maybe...did she "deflate"?  Anyway looking at her now it's hard to imagine she ever went through that suicidal shaved head phase.  She almost looks like any adjusted adult with an entourage.

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If you don't watch the Big Brother reality series this may not excite you.  Last season's winner, you know the guy who worked with autistic kids and called them "retards" on the show and was fired while on the show, the same guy who went by the nickname "Baller", Adam Jasinski was arrested in a sting trying to sell prescription drugs illegally.  He was busted trying to sell something like 2000 oxys.  It's great to know that he became a drug dealer with his prize money.

I hope you have a great weekend.  Shine on you crazy diamonds.

I tried sleeping but ended up tossing and turning.  Maybe I am anxious because I finally get to get out of here and go see my goddaughter who turned 1 this week.  Yes, I really am a godfather.

I've been thinking about my motivation post this week in which I posted pseudo-lesbianic porn.  Over the course of that day, I lost 2 subscribers.  AWESOME!  So apparently lesbian activity is wrong.  I don't get it.  When I was teaching in high school there was another teacher that I thought was awesome and we had such great conversations and had such similar tastes and political leanings.  Then I was sent to another church by my denomination and I heard some rumblings from the former school about this teacher.  Apparently she came out of the closet as a lesbian and divorced her husband.  I felt for her because she was obviously living a life that wasn't her.  She had to be in a fake relationship because of the "Church".  She was forced out as a teacher and excommunicated from her church, all this done in "love".  Did my thoughts of her change?  No.  I still had the same tastes and I wasn't about to go out and say "Oh my god a lesbian enjoys the same band as I do so I must burn all these books and cds and movies."  Well the most disturbing thing was that a facebook group appeared in which students and faculty members of that school thought it would be prudent to say they were gathering to pray for her soul so that she would magically "turn straight" and be a good and loving wife.  One girl in the group was a former student and I was so shocked by her messages on this site's board: OMG I can't believe she's gay.  That is so gross.  She's going to hell.  OMG.  Why can't she be straight and love her children?        Yes, that's what it said.  I was sickened because not long before this student asked me relationship advice.  "Mr. Godfather I got totally drunk this weekend and banged four guys none of which were my boyfriend.  What should I do?"  Why is it that drunkenness and heterosexual promiscuity are OK with Christians but homosexuality isn't?  I just never got why they focused on some issues when there were more pressing things going on like in my particular synod who embezzled millions of dollars almost bankrupting the synod or why are they shifting sex predators around from church to church without making them face justice and no this isn't the Catholic church of which I speak.  Oh and before I forget why spend thousands for commercials in California to get people to vote against gay marriage.  Yeah, you are facing bankruptcy and thinking of possibly selling your headquarters to raise money because it is in prime real estate areas and you can't pay teachers at the schools the synod runs so they are relegated to throwing garage sales to raise money to function.  Wouldn't that money be put to better use in mission fields by spreading the love of Christ?  I don't get the emphasis put on gay marriage and why it should be non-existant because straight marriage sure is doing a bang-up job.  What is it, 50% of all marriages end in divorcre?  By the way what constitutes a marriage in this country?  Every state has different definitions.  I know some states say that marriage is when a man and woman live together as husband and wife for 6 months.  Oh well I just hope none of my closeted friends who are in the ministry come out otherwise they may have to face love.

Did you know the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders have to take a test before they become cheerleaders?  I didn't until I was reading a recent ESPN magazine.  Hell the players don't have to take any tests but that is probably a good thing because it would expose how the education system favors the athlete.  I lived in Minnesota and a running joke amongst some of the sportswriters was Kevin Garnett's reading ability.  One claimed that the real reason KG went straight to the pros from high school was that he was illiterate.  I guess that would explain why on the SATs Garnett didn't get his name correct.  Anyway here are some of the test questions:
1.  Name the Six Flags of Texas:  No, it isn't an amusement park...give up?  I actually could answer this one if I was given the test.  I guess just having a basic knowledge of American history helps here...Spain, France, Mexico, The Republic of Texas, the Confederate States of America, and United States.

2.  Name two ex-Cowboys quarterbacks who are in the NFL hall of fame:  I missed this one since I detest the Cowboys, remember the 90s?  The Packers never made it through the playoffs because of those dope fiends.  In case you want to be a cheerleader the answer is Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach.

3.  Name a country that borders Iraq:  Seriously this is on the test.  I guess besides being sex objects the cheerleaders need to be up to date with current affairs.  Oh and don't lambaste me for say cheerleaders are sex objects.  Really, what purpose do they serve on the professional level?

4.  Who is the governor of Texas:  maybe this one should read "who will be the future president of Texas once they secede"  Rick Perry...I almost typed Steve Perry.  Steve Perry is just as important in that he is the ONLY lead singer of Journey.

5.  List three lean proteins: I guess they have to stay healthy

6.  In how many Super Bowls have the Cowboys appeared?  The funny thing is that of the 12 players that took the test only 1 got this question correct.  The answer is 8.

If only condom machines gave out this refund.

I knew there was no way K-Fed gained all that weight.  Honestly that is the best shirt ever.

I hold that tattoo in contempt of life.

I wonder if anyone can spot what is wrong with this photo.

States are having trouble with their budgets.  They can't fund all the animal shelters to house strayed and abandoned pets nor can they afford to put to death their prisoners.  Well this is a new execution method in which the states are trying to kill two birds with one stone.  The method is called "death by farting squad".

Hey are you down with my set?  Throw up this sign if you are rollin' with me.

More tomorrow.

I haven't done one of these posts in quite some time and the reason I temporarily discontinued them is because of how Xanga "ate" one of these posts and I lost all the links.  A certain Croat reminded me that I should do these again.  Well I hope you enjoy.

1.  Halloween is upon us and parents are probably out searching stores for the perfect costume.  Some parents may make their own costume for their children.  I know living in the great white North it was common to have home made costumes because the weather may have been horrible, one year I remember trick or treating in ten inches of snow.  Well sometimes those homemade costumes aren't the best.  Here are 25 of the best or worst depending on how you view things.  Hey is that Awesome-O?  Who am I kidding?  I want that giraffe costume.

2.  Speaking of Halloween, here is a video of the 25 greatest kills in horror movies.

3.  I think this site is a horror site as well.  It contains stories and x-rays of different things that have been inserted into people's rectums.  Read the April Winchell collection...are those dentures?

4.  I don't know where this coffee bar is located but they sure went out of business in a blaze of glory.

5.  I know a few people here sell items on Etsy.  Well I found this site called Regretsy which features some of the different items featured on Etsy.  How awesome is that life-size pizza slice broach?  Some lucky lady is going to have a merry Christmas.

6.  Have you ever wanted to build your own wedding chapel?  I have and I wanted to start my own marriage chapel sort of like in Las Vegas since love is elusive to me I thought maybe I can celebrate the joy of others in love vicariously.  Anyway, I found a wedding chapel for sale on Amazon.  It's a pretty good price but I think the best part is when you go look at the pictures.  That interior is well worth the price.

7.  Well I think this is a trippy site...people in pizza slice costumes becoming a whole pizza.  Why am I now hungry?

8.  Guys, are you having problems picking up that girl?  Well here's a site that randomly generates pick-up lines.  Good luck!

9. The Supersizers Go...the best TV show you are not watching.  Food Network really needs to pic up that show.

10.  So I am watching The Office lately and I notice that one character always happens to use the old joke "That's What She Said".  Well here is a collection of That's What She Said Stories.  These are much better than FML

11.  There are so many things that you can find on Amazon.  Like this Relaxation Capsule, make sure to read the reviews.  I think I could get relaxation at a cheaper price if the goverment decided to decriminalize marijuana and regulate its sale.

12.  I love this site.  It's called Not Fooling Anybody.  It is a collection of photos of stores that have been transformed from one to another yet they still maintain an essence of the original business.  Like for instance, around here there was an old A&W Root Beer Stand that is now a Chinese restaurant.  The Chinese place still is the shape of the A&W and still looks like it despite having the name Wok King.

13. Have you ever noticed the sexual tones of some cartoons?  Here is a list of 8 cartoon characters that most likely have syphillis.  I am surprised Gargamel didn't make the list, but he probably has other things to worry about.

14.  Talk about dedication, this guy printed out every featured entry on wikipedia and compiled it in a book.  The results are amazing.  The book would only be half that size if he eliminated all the inaccuracies of wikipedia.

15. I seem depressing talking about love and not having it.  I have just found the website that has cured me of my need for love.  Bacon is way better than true love.  I think the person who created that list snuck into my house and used me for #4.