So I had a bit of excitement last night.  One of my cats, the one that is calm and subdued, decided she needed to break from that mold and do some exploring.  Somehow she ends up on my entertainment center where I keep a bottle of cologne.  I keep it there for a quick fix before I leave the house.  Anyway she knocked over the bottle and it spilled and of course she decided to take an Irish shower and get it all over herself.  I spent a great deal trying to wash it out of her fur.  I mean cologne isn't supposed to be ingested by humans even though the hobos drink it.  I just figured it would be worse for a cat.  Anyway I drenched her and scrubbed it out and then I had to dry.  Last night and today have been interesting because she wants nothing to do with me although she just decided to sleep next to the computer.  I have to say, her fur is extra fluffy but she smells like Tommy Hilfiger.

#1.  So you want to get high?  You want to take a hallucinogenic drug?  Here is a list of all you need to know.  My favorite section is the plants and drugs where they list out basically every drug.  Go into the section on plants and see if you can find anything at home.  Sadly I didn't find banana peels.  Remember that myth, baking the scrapings of a peel was supposed to get you high when it was smoked.  HA!  They do list Morning Glory seeds but you need 100-200 seeds for a common dose.  Why am I doing this?  Kids, don't do drugs.

#2.  I found this video of a little quiz.  Who Said It?  Kanye West or Adolf Hitler.  The results could be surprising.

#3.  I was thinking of submitting my cat story to something like LOLCats but I realized my cats were just avergae cats.  Then I found this site: AverageCats.

#4.  I stumbled upon a site that I am sure is a fetish somewhere.  It's called Skinny Girls, Big Sandwiches.  The name is self-explanatory.  I am sure someone out there is getting off on that site.  Sandwiches aren't as sexy as ice cream cones or popsicles.

#5.  I don't know if this is real or not but it does say out of stock.  It's dog food for humans.  The only thing that throws me off is the website name.  Maybe I am what the title says.  I honestly think it is a believable product.  I mean this summer there was a church in the area that held a special service for pets where they were blessed by the officiant so why can't people get look alike food that they could put in a bowl so they could eat with their beloved pet.

#6.  So this is one of those name generator websites.  You enter your name and information and they give you a random name.  Well this one is the Douchebag Name Generator.  It is hilarious.

#7.  You have probably seen this site by now.  This is how long I have been sitting on this link.  I had it originally sent to me when the site was about 2 weeks old.  Anyway, here is People of Walmart.  I haven't been on the site lately but I am sure I will be posted at some point.

#8.  This site makes me miss Henry, our "frat" house dog.  Oh Henry, you're probably in hell being chased by semitrucks and being humped by pillows and blankets but I still miss you.  Oh and I bet DVDs and remote controls are eating you and there probably isn't anyone that is putting tables over your droppings.  Yeah, I should say that Henry loved his beer as do all these animals.

#9.  Here's a fun game...Monopoly City Streets.  Play it, you'll like it.

#10.  Have you ever noticed that football announcers aren't that bright?  I think announcers are proof positive that playing football can mess with your head.  Anyway, here is a collection of some of the worst mistakes football announcers have ever made.

#11.  The Wisconsin Tourism Federation had to change their name because people kept confusing their title with some internet jargon.  WTF!

#12.  Here is a new search engine that is going to give google a run for it's money...Blackmetle(Black Metal+Google).  Trust me it will catch on.

#13.  I don't like public bathrooms.  They just seem so dirty.  The only thing that redeems them is graffiti and here is a collection of some of the funniest.

#14.  These two screen shots are spreading through the internet.  First off this one describes the situation and this one has the punchline.  READ THE LAST LINE!  OMG!

#15.  I know some of you are planning for a Christmas vacation.  Let wikitravel help.  Here is a handy travel guide for one of the coolest destinations in the world, Mogadishu. 

In case any of you wanted to know what it is like to be me, well, this is a pretty accurate depiction.  You know, sometimes lube is a necessity.

So last week I didn't make this post because Cocky was on vacation.

Me: So Cocky how was your week off?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my week getting off.
Me: Umm...no.
Cocky: Anyway, fruit pie, I went back to my native Scotland.
Me: Oh yeah?  How was that?
Cocky: Oh it was exhausting and nerve-wracking.
Me: How was it nerve-wracking?
Cocky:  Well there was an incident and the police were after me, it was just a mess but I did get to see all my old friends and family.
Me: If the police were after you, how did you get around?
Cocky:  Oh I hid under a few kilts.
Me: So there really is a Cocky underneath a Scotsman's kilt.
Cocky: And I smuggled in a crate of our sponsor's goods under my kilt.

Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I really like this girl and I want her to like me.  People think I am pretty dumb and a goof but I really am smart.  I know this girl is interested in languages.  I am wondering which language I should learn so that I may impress her.
                                         Language Learner in Lodi

Me: Well, first off I would say never do something like learning a language because it may impress a girl but you should do it to better yourself.  With that in my, I may suggest Latin because then the other Romantic languages would be easier to learn and no, I don't mean romance kiss kiss languages but languages derived from Latin, the language of the Romans.  If you can get an understanding of Latin then French, Italian, and Spanish will come easy for you.  But if you want to skip that and go to a hot language, I would suggest Italian.  I could tell you stories.
Cocky:  Forget learning a language.  All you need to do to impress a girl with your tongue is to learn how to tie knots in cherry stems.  Do that on a first date and you're a shoe in for a second date and that is when you show her other tricks your tongue can do.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
So I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now and don't get me wrong but we have spectacular sex.  It's just that I am curious about doing something different.  Some may consider what I want to be immoral or uncomfortable.  I hear my friends talking about it and I have been curious.  What I want to know is, how do I get my girlfriend to let me have butt sex with her?
                                         Anal in Antigo

Me: Well if it hadn't come up in your previous love-making sessions then maybe she just isn't that into it.  BUt if you want to initiate things and are too shy to bring it up, maybe caress her down there but really if she isn't mentioning it, then it isn't on the agenda.
Cocky: Damn...well my fighting coach, Jose, always tells me "peck and move, peck and move" so I guess you follow his advice...peck and if she doesn't like it, you move because she'll get kicking.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
So the NBA season has started.  Who you got?
                                         NBA Lover in North Freedom

Me: Well this one I haven't really thought of because I am not much of an NBA fan.  I think some of the prices those guys are paid to play a game is ridiculous but that's just me.  Is there still a team in Seattle?  I think the odds on favorites for the Finals will be the Cavaliers and the Lakers but due to the catastrophic downfall of the Cavs in last season's playoffs, I will pick the Orlando Magic and the Denver Nuggets to make the Finals with Orlando winning.
Cocky: This is a simple question...Atlanta Hawks, baby!  They will win it all.  You know, I have to support my own.
Me: But who will they face in the Finals?
Cocky: Hmmm what wakes me up every morning?  The Suns.  Atlanta over the Suns.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I run with a tough crowd in high school.  Well a few of my friends didn't like the grades our English teacher gave them.  They decided to get back at the teacher by vandalizing her house.  They did a wicked job.  Now I don't approve of what they did nor did I plan or participate.  I had nothing to do with it but I get along with this teacher and I feel so bad that it had to happen to her.  What should I do?
                                       Ruffian in Rock Springs

Me: The first thing you should do is sit down with your parents and come clean and then suggest that you go with them and tell your school's principal.  You need your parents with you because every kid needs adult representation in the school system.  Tell the principal the truth and let him or her sort it out because that is why they get paid the big bucks and have special parking spaces.
Cocky: Oh my god, turn this poor kid into a narc?  See what you really want to do is tell these friends you have the evidence of what they did and then hold it over them for blackmail or you could possibly drop hints in an essay for your teacher that you know who did the act but will only tell her for better grades or monetary reimbursement.  If none of that works, two words: throat punches.
Me: But whom would she punch in the throat?
Cocky: Don't bother me son, I say, I say leave me be, I'm on a roll.
Me: Yeah, if you would punch someone in the throat, you would be on a roll, a Kaiser roll and you would be chicken salad.
Cocky: Ouch

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a 27-year-old man interested in a woman at work. We are almost the same age and have an excellent work relationship. Due to sexual harassment laws and other workplace laws, it is difficult to ask someone out at work. How can I do this without risking my job?
                                          Office Man in Ontario

Me: Well in the old days, it was considered bad form to fish in the office pool.  If you work at a company with a personnel office, I would ask them for relationship guidelines. A number of businesses protect themselves from harassment lawsuits by not allowing employees to fraternize, especially employees in dominant and subordinate jobs. There are both federal and state laws to consider here, so I would not begin to guess what applies. I think you would be wise to clarify your position and responsibilities. Remember, girlfriends either become former girlfriends or wives. An angry former girlfriend could be a walking lawsuit.
Cocky:  You go up to her and say, "You, me, bottle of scotch, dance floor, 8PM."  If that doesn't work then you start following her home and making a detailed list of her routines and then at work you mention some of those routines.  Like if she jogs you ask her where she jogs and if you can come with but not as a jogger, maybe just following her in a car because if you work in a cubicle there's probably no way at 27 you could jog.  Then you go to company records and find her home phone number.  Forget asking her for it because if you surprise her with a call at 2AM then there is no way she could forget you.  After the detailed routine and phone calls at 2AM, you make her a collage of photos that you secretly take of her throughout the day when she isn't paying attention.  Trust me, this will work and get you plenty of attention.

OK, that is it for this week and I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com.