What a day! I just crashed. It was still a fun day. I feel rested but of course now I am not feeling that drowsy. I need to find a way to stop sleeping at random times. I sometimes worry I have the narcolepsy. I have nothing witty to say this evening so I will give this disclaimer, the images in this week's collection of motivational posters may be Not Safe For Work or Not Safe For Life...whichever you prefer. I also am including two videos.
The Little Things was directed by Jake Kasdan and was written by Jake Kasdan, Judd Apatow, and Paul Feig.
Plot Summary: Sam discovers that life as Cindy's boyfriend is not nearly as exciting as he had imagined. Ken's girlfriend, Amy, confesses a shocking secret, putting Ken in an awkward situation. Lindsay struggles with asking Vice President George Bush a question during an assembly.
My Thoughts: This is the episode that launched the comedy career of Seth Rogen. Judd Apatow so huge potential in his portrayal of a guy who is pondering whether or not he is homosexual because of a secret his girlfriend revealed to him. After this episode Apatow gave Rogen a part in his series called "Undeclared" and while in production Rogen showed Apatow a script he wrote that became "Superbad". The roles in "Freaks and Geeks", "Undeclared", and the script of "Superbad" led to his inclusion in the cast of "The 40 Year Old Virgin" etc. etc. etc. I wonder if Rogen wasn't cast in Freaks and Geeks if he and Apatow would be the Comedy Kings of Hollywood.
You sort of get that a long period of time has passed since the last episode since we hear Bill bring up the past episode in which he had seven minutes in heaven. Also I like to think that they skipped the winter months since winters in the Midwest are pretty uneventful and colorless and the cast of this show was very colorful. Also Cindy must have been going out with Sam for some time since she is dining with the Weirs family and bragging up being a young Republican and talking about Vice President Bush. Yes the show takes place in 1980 remember so in the fall would have been the election so this is possibly the spring of 1981. Oh and that dinner scene makes me squirm especially when Cindy talks politics.
OK I have rambled enough, Sam and Cindy are having problems. Sam decides to give her a precious family heirloom necklace. It seems they are going steady, as the kids say, and Sam is making the transition to being a cool kid. Well he doesn't quite like it because they only do things that she wants to do. Sam decides to give her the necklace when he takes her to see a movie, not just any movie, but the funniest movie at the time, The Jerk. I love that movie and if I ever had a girlfriend that didn't laugh at it I would dump her on the spot. I am quite serious about that so be forewarned. The funniest part is that Sam asks permission to design the date on his own. I always made the plans for my high school girlfriends. It was rather annoying because I always wanted the girl to take the reigns and show some initiative which probably explains why I like the cowgirl positions so much.
Sam gives Cindy the necklace while in the theater and she looks at it like a turd in the punch bowl. She is somewhat pissed because it isn't her style, it isn't gold, and Sam didn't spend any money on it. Well she is a Republican so we have to stimulate the economy by buying our high school girlfriends gold jewelry. I did once and that blew up in my face. I determined that the only jewelry I would buy in a relationship before marriage was an engagement ring. Gold is expensive. Apparently the thought doesn't count with Cindy. She also hates the movie which is funny because she laughed at Sam's imitations of the movie in the previous episode. She asks the question that would make me break up..."Will popcorn make this movie funnier?" OH MY GOD! HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT ABOUT THE JERK! So because Cindy is bored and she must see Sam seething in his chair, she decides to give him a hickey. Nothing says "I love you" more than giving someone a bruise. Sam loathes Cindy. Because of the hickey Sam wears a turtleneck and this annoys Cindy because she wants the school to see her handiwork and when she sees the turtleneck she screams "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?". GOD! I wish I had a girlfriend like that in high school. Some of the things my girlfriend did for me, well I would have loved to show that off to the entire school. "Oh daily church service you must be put on hold while my girlfriend displays how much she loves me." Cindy once again takes a dump on Sam's necklace. I am glad that Sam had the backbone to break up with her when she tried to wiggle her way out to introduce VP Bush, which was hilarious because of her tears. I'd cry to if I had to ever introduce a member of that family.
Bill asks if their break up means that Sam would resume sitting with the geeks at lunch and when Sam answers positively Bill says, "Thank God."
The Ken storyline...ok I am going to give away a major spoiler so be warned. Ken and his girlfriend, Amy the Tuba Girl(not Tub Girl...eww), have gotten pretty serious and she lets him in on a major secret. It turns out that when Amy was born she was born with both male and female genetalia. Her parents and doctors determined she had more "potential" to be a female so that is what they went with. Ken immediately has questions and withdraws from Amy. Would I? Yes, probably. That is a huge secret to share with a 18 year old guy and Ken has some major thinking to do. He questions whether or not he is gay because obviously by kissing Amy that means he is kissing a guy because she was born with male genetalia, right? During a freak sleepover Ken shares this secret with the guys. Daniel says that Ken should break up with Amy because a surgery doesn't change her from being a guy. Ken says that he thinks he loves her and Daniel questions if that makes Ken gay and then he wonders.
There is a hilarious montage in which Ken puts himself through a series of tests but first he goes the the school guidance counselor Mr. Rosso because Ken thinks he is gay. Oh that scene is so awkward! Rosso basically interrogates Ken into finding out why Ken thinks Rosso is gay. Ken leaves to do his own testing. He puts on a David Bowie album, then a heavy metal album and then a disco album to see which he responds to best. Shockingly that didn't give him an answer so he then pulls out the big guns or should I say bigg'uns. He then looks at a girlie nudie mag and then at a gay porno mag. I think that scene is where the lightbulb lit inside Apatows head that Rogen could be a star.
Daniel makes a crack at a gathering and Ken takes it personally and Amy finds out that Ken told their secret. Amy splits and Ken walks down the road alone. Daniel pulls up in his Trans-Am. No words are spoken and they leave it at that. The next day Amy finds out that Ken didn't tell the secret to everyone. Ken has a heart to heart with Sam in the school bathroom and Sam questions what the hell is wrong with Ken. I love how all these storylines collide. Ken and Amy make up and it is so sweet when he yells "Hail to the Chief! Yeah, this song rocks!"
This episode was nominated for an award from GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, and it is easy to see why. The writers poke fun at Ken's perdicament but it is taken seriously and not at one time is Amy a butt of a joke. This topic was walking through a potential minefield and they avoided being blown to bits. Of course they didn't win, that year the award went to another NBC series called Ed.
Damn, I have said a lot and I'm not even to the Lindsay storyline. Republican censors...open-minded questions...dad's store shirt...sticking it to the man.
Things to Watch For: The t-shirt Lindsay wears...Oh I should have downloaded it a long time ago. The Freaks and Geeks website had jpeg images of it so that you could print them onto iron-on pages so you could make your own t-shirt of the Weirs' Sporting Goods Store.
Ben Stiller makes a guest appearance as a secret service agent. When I first saw the episode I thought it was Tom Cruise but it is Stiller and he does a great job with Rosso.
Two of the deleted scenes for this one are amazing, but one got cut for time and the other got cut because it was mortifying and creepy even by the standards of a show that had Nick stalking Lindsay for the better part of a season. The first scene is a sequel to Ken's failed visit to Mr. Rosso, in which we discover that while Rosso's not gay, another teacher is and Rosso sends Ken to that teacher and it is none other than Mr. Kowchevski, which creeps me out not that he's gay but that he says Daniel has bedroom eyes in the eipsode Tests and Breasts. The other scene features Cindy forcing Sam to recreate their slow dance from the pilot, and to sing "Come Sail Away" and it is absolutely, wonderfully horrible. I think the title of the deleted scene is "The Most Painful Scene We Ever Shot". If you've got the DVDs, you have to view these scenes. They may be the two best cut scenes in the entire package.
Speaking of Kowchevski, his one scene in this episode is when he tells the freaks that the Secret Service wants their hangout area of the school cleared. Daniel asks "How are we going to plan our coup?" Kowchevski then makes some comments about how he'd like to see Daniel in jail which in perspective of the deleted scene may be a tad much.
Guns versus holsters? HILARIOUS!
Music: "If My Friends Could See Me Now" by Linda Clifford; "Hail to the Chief," performed by McKinley High Band; "Fashion" by David Bowie; "The Road" by Jackson Browne
Trivia: In this episode, set in 1981, Harris quotes Yoda as saying "Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." The quotation is from Return of the Jedi, which would not be released until 1983.
During the scene where Bill, Sam, and Neil are playing "Mouse Trap" behind Sam is a stack of games. The bottom game is the original Trivial Pursuit "Genus Game - Master Edition." The show is set in the 1980-1981 school year. Trivial Pursuit was not sold until 1982.
"Hail to the Chief" is not the correct song to play for a Vice President. The correct song, or entrance march, for the Vice President is "Hail Columbia".
In the cafeteria scene, Todd is holding a corn dog, then a french fry, then a corn dog again, within a matter of seconds. Then maybe he is just practicing to be a competitive eater.
Quotes: Neal: Laughter is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Get a woman laughing, you get a woman loving.
Cindy: No, Sam, you can't break up with me. You're supposed to be nice. That's the only reason I'm going out with you in the first place!
Sam: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff. Neal: I'd kill to be that bored.
Harold: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!
Here's the episode. Enjoy!
I seriously wonder if people read my review closely. I included something personal in there. Anyway...I'd sort of like a break down of guns versus holsters as to who has seen The Jerk and who has not and if you have seen it did you enjoy it.
How was your weekend? Really? That sounds fun. Oh I can't believe you did that. No, I won't believe it. Purple snow cones? OK so I have a vivid imagination Since I haven't been going anywhere because of all this H1N1 scare and exposure, I had plenty of time to pick out some mash-ups for your listening pleasure. I once said these things are called audio porn...well a few of these made my ears orgasm. And because I love you so much, instead of 3, this week you get 6, count them 6 mash-ups!
This is an oldie but a goodie. It takes the classic white boy rap "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice and mashes it with Eminem's "Real Slim Shady". I love it. It's slowed down a tad but it's still good. I remember buying the cassette tape of Vanilla Ice's album. I thought he was so badass because there were a few instances on that album where it sounded like he swore. OF course he didn't but it still made him seem badass especially with that hair and hand signs.
This is a fun bootie. The Dj, whose name eludes me right now, takes Beastie Boys raps and mashes them with bass lines and music to various Beatles songs. Now it may not be an entire Beatles song but still I like it. It reminds me of the Grey Album.
This mash-up is different. I wanted to slow things down a bit so we could slow dance. Yes, me and you on the dance floor or in the comfort of my house in my den dancing to this song. Maybe not. It's "Make it Wit Chu" by Queens of the Stone Age mixed with Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt". I did not get teary-eyed when listening to this song.
Remember how I have said that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is one of the most frequently used songs in the mash-up universe? Well here is just another example. It takes "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and mixes it with the vocals from Wild Cherry's classic "Play that Funky Music".
I saw this one and my eyes bugged out of my head. I never thought the audio track, The Foo Fighter's "Everlong", for this song could be used in a mash-up. It takes the aforementioned "Everlong" and slaps it against the vocals and sound effects of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes". It works. I love it.
OK this is the totally mismatched mash-up of Monday Morning Mash-Up Madness! I was reading about how Miley Cyrus dropped her Twitter account and then this popped up. It told me that a DJ created it as a tribute to Miley leaving. I don't know if I believe that story but it is quite excellent. This is the mash-up of mash-ups in this post. You take one part, Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" shake it up with two parts "Party and Bullshit" by Notorious B.I.G. and you get this delectible audio cocktail. My god! I can't believe I enjoy a Miley Cyrus song although it really isn't Miley but still.
In case you ever wanted to see what is going on inside my brain. My dreams have been really messed up as of late. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Detroit Lions!
I hate being stuck inside. I am going crazy. Ugh...two more days! Here's the round up. Some images may not be safe for work or for life. NSFW or NSFL
This week Zac Braff posted a video on facebook to announce that he is in fact alive. Apparently a rumor was spreading that he had committed suicide. You know, Zac may not be dead but his career is. Because I care for my female readers...Usher turned 31 this week. I have no jokes, I just want you ladies to have eye candy because I am not posting photos of myself on here then I guess you just have to settle for this guy. Six pack abs...HA! My keg is bigger! Tilda Swinton, who has been seen in movies such as Chronicles of Narnia and Burn After Reading, has been leading a campaign against Donald Trump's attempt to build a golf resort in Scotland. Tilda also has been vocal in the cause to get Roman Polanski freed. So let me get this straight; golf is bad and anal rape of a minor is good? Donald hasn't made a comment about Tilda's intervention because he is waiting for one of the TV gossip shows such as The Insider to show up and ask him what he thinks. Let's sing it together...How much is that Suri in the window, the one with the tasty cupcake...The more I look at the photo the more I think she is begging a stranger to help her escape the clutches of Xenu and Tom Cruise. I had to post this photo because how often do you see a three year old wearing heels. It was also announced that Suri would be enrolled in a Catholic preschool in Boston while Katie works on a movie. I need to find a priest and ask what the church's stance is about alien overlords named Xenu. Also I wonder if the Catholic church is in fellowship with L. Ron Hubbard. Oh I could go into dogma and doctrines and papal decrees but I will save that for October 31st. Spencer Pratt posted this photo on his Twitter...no I don't follow him. This is what 3000 issues of Playboy look like. He bought 3000 issues of the magazine in which his wife posed nude. Now the question: is he planning on giving those out for Christmas presents or is that issue going to be their new business card? In the most shocking news of the decade, a sex tape featuring former Playboy model Shauna Sand is set to be released. OK so I guess it isn't that shocking. I mean every time I see photos of her she is either making out with some random dude or half-naked and sometimes both. I think I was initially shocked because she isn't the person releasing it. I guess this was only a matter of time. Oh and another funny thing about this tape; it was professionally shot. Shauna hired a professional camera and lighting crew to film her and her boyfriend have sex. I think I am going to put in ad in my paper saying that I will film couples. There is a website with a preview in case you are interested...NSFW. Last week there was a video making the rounds showing Seth Green, of Idle Hands, Robot Chicken, Austin Powers, and Family Guy, throwing a temper tantrum on the set of one of his TV shows. It was much, he just tossed a catering buffet and stormed off set. Then later in the week a video was leaked that was supposed to be a security camera and in the footage it showed Seth being mugged by two masked men. It turns out that this is all a publicity stunt for a new ad campaign in which Seth is revealed to be the new sponsor of Butterfinger candy bar. The campaign is titled "Dude, Where's My Bar?" Homer Simpson was a better spokesperson. I hope Homer actually mugs Seth Green and takes back his gig, it's not like Homer's TV show is going to last forever. Ralph Lauren clothing company recently made headlines when they fired model Filippa Hamilton for being too fat. They claim they had to photoshop her ad because she was way too obese. So I am guessing what makes a woman hot is if her head is wider than her waist. I think this will be the future of Ralph Lauren ads and the wave of the future for all modeling agencies...IT'S SO HOT! By the way that's sarcasm. Nicolas Cage owes $6million in back taxes to the IRS. He made $40million in 2008 and is completely broke. I bet if Nicolas agreed never to make another movie like Bangkok Dangerous or Next or The Wicker Man or Knowing, the IRS would look the other way or clear the slate. Another tactic he could employ is threatening the IRS with making sequels to the aforementioned movies so that they would erase his debt. It's nice to see Mel Gibson happy for a change. Lately every photo of him, he seems to be so grumpy. Well, who can blame him? I think most of us would be smiling too if we had our hand in a beaver....OW! Those beaver jokes write themselves. Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, posted this on her Twitter. Apparently her Christian and Republican followers didn't care much for the photo because they hurled insults at her. The most common was that she was a slut. Meghan thought this was an insult and is considering closing her Twitter account or in the new street lingo: pullin' a Miley. Hmmm maybe Meghan secretly reads all the Xanga blogs in which people threaten to leave Xanga. Is she really a slut? I don't know. If a girl wants to send me photos like that I can judge the picture in order to deem sluttiness. Oh...why didn't this happen during the campaign? People in the Madonna camp are saying that she is giving her 23 year old boyfriend, Jesus, an allowance. Wait shouldn't that be called an offering...HAHAHA church humor! She is supposedly giving him $10,000 a month. I guess that beats the pay on the last job he had, $4 an hour for his newspaper route. Now my question: Is $10,000 a month worth it to sleep with Madonna? It's sad to see Lindsay Lohan get pussyblocked. I can't believe Lindsay said Sam was brilliant. Obviously that isn't a book smart thing because well look at some of Sam's recent choices. I can not begin to believe Lindsay is saying her brilliance is her DJing because since when is making a playlist on iTunes brilliant? Last night I made the best playlist ever in my Windows Media player and you don't see people giving me a Nobel Prize, a Grammy, yes, and a Pulitzer, possibly, but definitely not a Nobel. I don't give Kim Kardashian much credit. I usually say she is dumb and dead behind the eyes...thank you, Joel. The only credit I give her is her ability to maintain such a luscious butt. You know, Kim does have brains. She can pump gas and that takes some brain power. The other day it seems like the world was glued to the TV watching the news about the little boy in the balloon and then today all the news outlets could talk about was the boy in the balloon. If you want to look at runaway balloons, look at Katie Price. We haven't played this in sometime but...GUESS THE ASS! Your clue: This actress talks to dead people in a dead time-slot for prime-time television. It's Jennifer Love Hewitt. She also has nice hair and she seems to be flaunting that volume and shine. The Jackson 3 will be making an appearance in the Jackson brothers' reality series on A&E. I find it ironic since Michael went to such extreme lengths to keep his children away from cameras. I wonder if he is spinning in his grave. NO! Michael is going to rise like the zombies in his Thriller video and kick some ass. Hmmm exploiting children must be a Jackson family tradition. What is there not to like about Dita Von Teese? Can you guess the product she is promoting in this photo? Dennis Rodman left the world of obscurity to walk the runway for a fashion show. Oh Dennis...remember when you were one of the best defensive players in the NBA? Remember when you were one of the biggest names in all of sports? Hmmm you are now walking runways. I think this is his new line of NBA uniforms. If you were a kid in the 80s, you would know this guy. He's Captain Lou Albano and he passed away this week at the age of 76. Captain Lou was a wrestler in the WWF, Cyndi Lauper's muse of sorts, and the star of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show. He played Mario. Captain Lou will be greatly missed. Here is a photo of Cyndi Lauper. Is she mourning the death of her muse Captain Lou Albano? Is she upset that Hot Rod Blagojevich just stole some of her money? No, that's the look of a contestant on the next installment of Celebrity Apprentice. Cyndi will be join Sharon Osbourne, Brett Michaels, Curtis Stone, Rod Blagojevich, Maria Kanellis, Holly Robinson-Peete, Darryl Strawberry, Bill Goldberg, Carol Leifer, and Summer Sanders. I'm going out on a limb here and will predict that Bill Goldberg will win. Now that isn't a racist comment. He'll just go into roid rage mode and give everyone his signature pro-wrestling moves. I'm happy to see Summer Sanders is getting work outside of Nickelodeon. Oh...Coco...you don't know what you do to me. She posted these photos to her Twitter. Like I have said before, Twitter is now where everyone goes for their porn. Christina Hendriks of Mad Men got married last weekend at a restaurant in New York City. Oh she looks amazing. After the priest pronounced them man and wife, her husband gave high fives to all the groomsmen, all the ushers, the guys in the front row, and the priest. Of course the priest made a slip-up and instead of saying the groom could kiss the bride, he said motorboat. What a lovely bride! See kids, this is why they won't let me be a wedding photographer. You know I've been getting a lot of flack because from my writings it seems as if I don't like big girls. That couldn't be further from the truth. I find Beth Ditto beautiful. She is so comfortable with herself and therein lies her beauty. Avril Lavigne filed for divorce. She is already rumored to be attached to a billionaire and those close to her have said that she has had a "thing" for this billionaire for quite some time. You know why she's had a "thing" for him for quite some time? HE'S A BILLIONAIRE! The only bigger turn-on is a guy who is hung like a celebrity gossip blogger. Now for Avril to secure her future, she'll get pregnant. Al Pacino told an interviewer this week that when he was 20 he was a prostitute. He said his clientele was a group of older women and he did it so that he could pay his rent. Sleeping with someone to keep a roof over your head? Isn't that the definition of marriage? WOO-AH! Amy Winehouse was spotted out on the town the other night. You will have to excuse the stain on her shirt. See the night she went out was the first night she used silverware at an upscale eatery instead of her hands. I guess it can be pretty tricky using utensils when you rarely use a fork and knife. Oh and the rumor going around is that Amy got implants. She is said to have gone from a 32B to a 32D. I can't tell but I can't believe it with her small frame because if they got that big she may tip over. This is a still shot from the video for Britney Spears' new video 3. Hmmm...I am very impressed. I think we finally get to know what the song is about through the video.
Video Section: Kareem Abdul Jabbar was on a recent edition of Celebrity Jeopardy and he made a fool of himself. That is an intentional foul.
I hope everyone has a great weekend while I am inside away from the public. You know I have a feeling being stuck inside has made me funnier. Oh and J and L, you probably don't want to see this here but HAPPY BIRTHDAY LILY!
This didn't get posted last night because I wasn't feeling the best. OK maybe it wasn't only that but either way you will like this.
Me: Hey Cocky, as you know I went to the doctor this afternoon. Cocky: Yes, you really gave that desk clerk hell. Me: Well she shouldn't have been so rude or known my medical history without me telling her my name. Cocky: Your photo was posted in the office. Me: What about the Hippocratic oath? Cocky: Better yet what about the Christian ideal of helping your fellow man when he or she is in trouble? Me: It is a Catholic owned and operated hospital system and I always thought the nuns loved me. Cocky: You were one of the few people they didn't beat with their rulers. Me: I am just so livid. Cocky: Well I think that H1N1 is fitting for you. Me: Why is that? Cocky: Well look at some of your choices in girlfriends in the past. Me: What? Cocky: You know...pigs. Me: Shut up, Cocky. Cocky: Please don't choke me! Me: Don't worry all the medicine I'm taking now to prevent this from progressing has sapped me of my strength to choke you. Cocky: Not even those blue pills can help you. Me: And now a word from our sponsor.
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Me: Cocky, are you ready? Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload my knowledge amongst other things.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, The baseball postseason is upon us. So far what has been your most memorable moment? Baseball Fan in Bayfield Me: Well Cocky and I have been depressed because both the teams we picked and support were eliminated in the first round via a sweep. I can tell you the most disgusting memory I have is when the Angels clinched the American League West division. They took out a jersey of pitcher Nick Adenhart and poured beer all over it. Cocky: What's wrong with that? Is your liberal propaganda machine telling you that beer is bad now? Me: Nick Adenhart was killed after his first start of the season by a drunk driver. Cocky: Yeah I have nothing Captain Bringdown. I was going to say the most memorable thing is that it looks like the Yankees sign-up sheet at the All-Star game is finally paying off but no...you have to ruin everything. Me: Don't you find it a bit tasteless? Cocky: Although us cocks have tongues, they are small and lack taste buds.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, I am a bit of a bind. I need money ASAP. Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash? Needy in Neenah Me: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash. If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette. There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit. Cocky: Don't listen to him! He plays the easy game and doesn't have the balls to play the numbers. He plays the colors. He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever. Me: Cocky, it's the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory. Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette. Cocky: That's because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins. Me: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette. Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT! Me: Did I? Many of you probably haven't heard of how I met Cocky. I rescued him. He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar. Why don't you tell them how it was played? Cocky: They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen. The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on. People placed bets as to which square my poop would land. It was the lowest point of my life. Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, I just want to begin by saying how awesome you guys are...YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! I have a perplexing predicament. I am the most intelligent person in my high school class...nay, my entire high school. There is this boy in my homeroom that I think is very handsome and I would like to converse with him over cappuccinos or espressos. Here's the crux of the matter: from my investigation, he only dates girls that are for lack of a better word, airheads. He has made eyes at me in homeroom so I think he is interested. Should I make myself appear to be a dullard so that I stand a chance of dating him? Know-it-All in Nekoosa Me: Never hide your brainpower. It is who you are and if you purposely act dumb, you are not being true to yourself and you are also lying to the boy. Relationships built on lies can't last. Well they can but only on TV. Cocky: You go up to Cute Johnny and you tell him, "Me, you, cappuccino, 4p.m." If Johnny Football-star doesn't show up then the next time you see him you have two options: show him incredible math problems that are so impossible to solve that his mind can't handle it and his brain explodes OR you punch him in the throat and grab the closest guy to him and give him a long kiss as Johnny Bravo writhes in pain.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, A few months ago I ended a several years long relationship. I have been dating a new guy and he is wonderful, some may say he is the bee's knees. We've been seeing each other, but he questions how ready I am for a new relationship, and obviously wants my thoughts to be on him, not the last guy. Is there something I can do to assure him? Confused in Coloma Me: He chose someone who is just months out of living with a serious boyfriend. He can't make that go away. Any effort you make to appear unburdened will be just that, an appearance. Please stop assuring him you're ready. For starters, you probably aren't. And, this new relationship will either survive on its own merits, or it won't. You can't assure him of something you don't even know yet. Cocky: Well here's the thing....ugh...um...damn, I have nothing...wait...if you want relationship advice how about you stop by the old coop and I can give you some one on one counseling.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, My daughter just turned 6, she is not a bed-wetter, but she did get up in the middle of the night to urinate in her closet. Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about? Sleepy in Sleepy Eye Me: This may not be something to be overly concerned with. It just may be an isolated incident. The overall thing you want to focus on is your daughter's safety. One thing that you may want to investigate is the stress level of your daughter. Did she lose a friend? Did she start a new school? Has anything changed from her usual routine? Look into those and make sure she is safe. Cocky: Lady you are asking the expert on doing strange things in his sleep. Me: What do you mean? Cocky: Oh you forgot that incident in college where you urinated all over your dorm neighbor's refrigerator? Me: In my defense, I was drunk. Cocky: Oh yeah...what about sleepturbating? Me: OK I don't see what that has to do with anything. The mother should be concerned about her daughter's safety. Cocky: And what about your safety? You could be blinded by your sleeping activities.
Disclaimer: I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for Cocky and myself, drop me an email here or send one to Cocky's email: advicewithcocky at gmail.com SEND QUESTIONS PLEASE!
I was quite pleased to see that My Balls received so much attention this evening. I had quite a few views and it was interesting to see who wanted to see My Balls. I think I am going to timestamp the hell out of My Balls. I have this feeling that I should timestamp My Balls like every hour on the hour. My Balls will be all up in your inbox. Then six months later I will drag My Balls out for your viewing pleasure.
So my mom may not have the H1N1. She got a little overzealous because as a nurse and cardio and pulmonary expert she said she had all the symptoms. Anyway her initial test came back negative but the major lab they sent it to is so backed up with H1N1 tests that she has to wait for the full results sometime tomorrow. Yeah, it is getting bad up here. One school district shut down because of an outbreak. I heard something like 250 students tested positive for the old swine flu in the high school alone.
Here's something strange that came about because of my insomnia. Last night I was up watching infomercials. Peter Fonda sold out and was hyping this music collection from Time Life. It was called Flower Power and it was 8 cds for the low price of 5 easy payments of $30 plus shipping and handling. One of the songs was "Midnight Confessions" by The Grass Roots. They were showing footage of the band playing their hit song and it hit me, I know the guitarist or at least I recognize him. I thought about it all night and couldn't come up with who he was. Then I checked out some information on the band and there it was. The guitarist for The Grass Roots is Creed Bratton. Now fans of The Office are saying, "Hey Creed Bratton is a character on The Office." Yes, he is but his character has his name. So Creed Bratton is playing Creed Bratton. Maybe fans of The Office already knew this but since I just started getting into the show, I'm a little slow.
I thought since there is all this focus on breast cancer and female Xangans are posting photos of their breasts, I would take a second and post a photo of my balls.
So here they are, my balls:
Like I would really post a photo of my testicles here on Xanga.
This is a story from a few years ago when I had a close call with what I thought was testicular cancer. I felt a sharp pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it. Anyway about two weekends later I was sitting around on a Friday night and I decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles. So maybe it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me. It's not like you've never done that before. OK I'm over it now. I was "examining" and I found a lump on Ol' Lefty. So I freaked out. I was so scared. Something like that isn't supposed to happen to a 25 year old guy (at the time). I started worrying I would never have kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no nuts and can't produce children. I had visitors over that weekend and well I think I was a little withdrawn from them and seemed out of it. I had a lot running through my mind. I just couldn't talk about it. I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but how would I put it. "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the ship's primary firing mechanism and I found a barnacle on the starboard side." Yeah like that would happen. So I went to the doctor while I was at home visiting my family. While my parents went to the grocery store I snuck out and went to the clinic. I almost chickened out when I saw the receptionist. This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I have a lump on my balls. Well I told her that I had a skin condition that the doctor needed to check out. The doctor saw me right away which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just checks out. He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I had a cyst. I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam. He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle. Yes he pulled my satchel to show me. He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary. So he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell. He said that it was good that I examined myself and when I found something I went in. The doctor also said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today." Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find it and they might have to lose Ol Lefty or Righty. He also said that I should try to look at this with humor. Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever have kids and now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the females. Guys feel your balls. It's an issue. I didn't even have cancer and it scared me. Girls stop thinking about balls and examine your breasts. Early detection is the key. Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight against breast cancer. Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls:
Hey kids feel your balls So you don't get Cancer Hey kids feel your balls So you don't get cancer Feel your balls Squeeze your balls Tease your balls Please your balls Early detection is the key Rub your balls and you won't get cancer Hey kids feel your balls So you don't get Cancer Hey kids feel your balls You don't want cancer Rub your balls Squeeze your balls So you don't get cancer MASTURBATE EVERYDAY! Hey kids feel your balls So you don't get cancer Hey kids rub your balls So you don't get cancer RUB YOUR BALLS WHILE MASTURBATING! Hey kids rub your balls, While masturbating looking for lump If you find a lump Then go to the doctor And get your testicle removed RUB YOUR TESTICLES, WHILE MASTURBATING OR WHILE NOT MASTURBATING! Rub your balls for no reason Other then for checking for cancer Or rub your balls Specifically for the only reason of Checking for cancer Or rub your balls Only for pleasure Or for pleasure and For checking for cancer at the same time You can pleasure your balls And aslo check for cancer At the same time You can pleasure yourself And also check for cancer At the same time TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE! Pleasure your balls And check them for Cancer at the same time
Smooching and Mooching was directed by Jake Kasdan and was written by Steve Bannos and Paul Feig
Plot Summary: After fighting with his father, Nick moves out and to Lindsay's surprise begins staying with the Weirs. Cindy tells Bill that she has a crush on Sam. She asks Bill to convince Sam to invite her to a party.
This was another great episode...of course. One of the things I love most about this episode is that Sam finally gets his time with Cindy Sanders but she turns out to be a horrible person. I think the writers finally caved because they knew there would be no next season. They actually wanted this to happen but it wasn't their intention to have it happen in the first season. The storyline they wanted to explore in the second season is having Sam fall in with the popular crowd and distance himself from Neal and Bill. The Sam and Cindy dating storyline is a bit rushed into two episodes but I suppose you have to take it or leave it.
I have heard people complain that Cindy would ruin her social standing by dating Sam but I don't think that was the case because Sam isn't picked on by the popular kids. Sure he had Karen pick on him but no one liked Karen. He also had Alan bully him but Alan was pretty much an outcast himself. Also one of the things Cindy says to Bill pretty much seals that she isn't dating Sam for his person but the idea of Sam because he seems like a nice guy. Also there is a deleted scene in which Sam asks if Bill and Neal can come to the party and Cindy gives Sam a look like he asked her to eat a piece of poop. Sam panics about dating Cindy. Come on, what guy hasn't panicked about a girl? He asks Lindsay advice and she says that Sam should not smother Cindy.
Smothering...that brings us to the Lindsay storyline which is more of a Nick story. Nick comes home one day after a garage sale to see that his 29 piece drum set is missing. Nick tries to stand up to his old man, who reminds me of John McCain. The old man hears none of Nick's arguments. Nick moves out and starts crashing at his friends' houses. Remember last episode when we saw what Daniel's room looked like? Well Nick crashed there and ended up hurting his neck and having Daniel's mother forbid him from staying again for forgetting to flush the toilet. Nick shows up at the Weirs' house at dinner time. This reminds me so much of one of my stalkers. He always shows up whenever I am cooking something special. It never fails. Two awkward scenes occur while Nick is at the Weirs'. The first is when he dances with Mrs. Weirs to some Gene Krupa and the other is when he decides he has to thank Lindsay and he is wearing some bikini briefs. So strange but it is a great story because you get to see how great of a father Mr. Weirs actually is. He cares for his children and their friends. I don't know many parents that would do that today.
The Neal and Bill at the party are hilarious especially when they play Spin the Bottle. Maybe Bill and Neal are soulmates. There is also an interesting scene with Bill involving a popular girl. In the commentaries they talked about the second season that would never happen and they mentioned how Bill may have joined Sam in the popular crowd leaving Neal to wallow in self-pity and dealing with his parents divorce.
Things to watch for: Cindy laughs as Sam makes quotes from The Jerk. Remember this for the next episode.
This episode was written by Steve Bannos, who played Mr. Kowchevski. I always find it interesting that when actors write episodes for the shows in which they star, they almost never write a lot for themselves. For instance, Michael Imperoli who played Christopher Moltisanti on The Sopranos wrote episodes which hardly featured his character. In this episode there's no Kowchevski at all.
Samaire Armstrong who was in Dirty Sexy Money plays one of the Deadheads which sets up for the series finale. Just don't blink when she asks to borrow a chair in this episode.
If you happen to grab a copy of the DVD you have to listen to the commentary. In some of the deleted scenes there is a dreadfully long alternate take of the quiet study time at the Weirs' house. Martin Starr who plays Bill starts asking Judd Apatow the gory details of childbirth. Many of the things he asked were featured in the movie Knocked Up, written and directed by Apatow starring Seth Rogen with a role from Starr.
Another funny thing in the commentary is when Samm Levine, who plays Neal, said that the girl who played Cindy called him up after filming of this episode and asked if John Daley, who plays Sam, was supposed to be using his tongue when they kissed. Daley denies that he did use his tongue but everyone disagrees.
There is a scene in which the geeks are discussing comedy movies and Sam brings up Stripes and how the only memorable part is the first half of the movie and then no one remembers the second half. Neal rattles off a detailed plot description. From what I have seen of the guy who plays Neal, I don't think that was scripted.
Bill and Sam kiss girls in this episode. This means that Neal is the only geek never to kiss a girl in the series. Paul Feig said in the commentaries that this was karmic payback because Samm Levine continuously hit on women during production of the series.
Music: "Tom Sawyer" by Rush; "The Monster" by Gene Krupa; "Katmandu" and "You'll Accomp'ny Me" by Bob Seger; "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" by Warren Zevon
Trivia: This episode aired along with "The Little Things" and "Discos and Dragons" as a Saturday night mini-marathon on NBC.
When Sam is going through his closet trying to find an outfit for the party, one of the outfits he rejects is the blue disco suit he wore in Looks & Books.
Quotes: Nick Andopolis: Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?
Harold Weir: By the way, that drummer you're listening to... Nick: Yeah? Harold: He's terrible! Nick: What? That's Neil Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive! Harold: Well, Neil Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag.
Lindsay: Dad, give me one good reason why there can't be a woman president. Harold: It's called three irrational days per month. Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here.
Well here's the episode. We now only have to more episodes. Enjoy!
I have to issue apologies because my guest blogger fell through today. He may come back for another topic.
I hope everyone's weekend has been going swimmingly. Mine was OK. I had one of the most memorable text conversations before and during part of the Badgers' game, which was a downer. Oh and I was possibly exposed to the H1N1 from my mom. We were shopping and she was sick. She was saying that the hospital where she works told her to stay home and not come in because there was nothing they could do. I'm freaking out but that is because I tend to be a hypochondriac. I also had to change a flat tire on my dad's car. He picked up an Amish horse shoe nail. Anyway time for music.
This mash-up takes a song by The Game and mixes it with "Californication" by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have to admit that I don't know what the song is from The Game because most mainstream rap hasn't been my thing the past few years. It's quite possibly because I am getting mellow and all the rappers talk fast about is bitches, money, and drugs. Also it took me a while to remember the RCHP song. Have you noticed that all their stuff the last few years all sounds the same? Sort of like emo Green Day?
I just got done saying I'm not much into mainstream rap. I know that this one is "Drop it Like it's Hot" by Snoop Doggy Dogg versus "Voodoo Chile" by Jimi Hendrix. That Snoop song was everywhere at its peak so I had to hear it. The Jimi song is quite possibly my favorite Hendrix song. For the wrestling fans out there, Hulk Hogan used "Voodoo Chile" as his entrance music when he was a bad guy. OK I'm a nerdy wrestling fan...next.
I love this one. The DJ calls it Bootystition. It combines "Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child and mixes it with my favorite Stevie Wonder song "Superstition". It really works and is quite funky. I think Beyonce heard this one before she recorded that song for the Austin Powers movie in which she also had a role. The songs seem quite similar.
Video Mash-Up Bonus: This video takes a Roman Polanski interview and mixes it with well....you have to see it to believe it.
This time I have found a guest who will speak about the decision to give the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama. I promised her $20 for her writing services but she left before I could pay her. She probably ate $20 worth of marshmallows, cornflakes, and celery. And she must have drank 3 bottles of my vodka. Yeah she's a class act.
I now present my guest blogger:
Courtney Love
OK i just want begin by saying myspace is dead so I'm at twitter...courtneylover79
So they gave Obama the Nobel Pizza Prize so that's good because he's good and I have heard that putting living turtles on your head increases your vitality and will help you find inner peace so maybe Barack god he is so hot and makes me want to jump him put some turtles over his head because you can totally tell that he is at peace with himself.
So is it true that myspace is eating itself? I hear all these jerks saying he doesn't deserve anything because he didn't do anything but seriously he had to do something because he got the award, right? Like he stopped Hilary from being such a bitch and riding my ass about not paying my mortgage seriously she was all over me and saying Courtney you have to pay your bills and I am all like poop on that noise because I really can't poop and that is because of the smack that I USED to do because I'm so drug free right about now and I don't suck dick for money hell now that's what the Kardashians do because they are whores. Oh and Obama did get me help with my mortgage would President Palin do that no because she only worries about sitting on her porch and spying on Russia with those high-power binoculars she stole from me while I was at Kurt's funeral. God I miss Kurt has anyone seen that teddy bear where I keep his ashes. I wonder if President Palin can see my flipping her off
President Obama has inspired me to be peaceful and wiser with my money currently I only have $120 to my name that's right I only have one President Franklin bill and one President Polk bill. That's all the money I have because someone is trying to steal it from I bet it is those Olsen trolls. They hate me because of all the trash I talk about them for double teaming every guy they bring home. My Frances is a saint. God she looks just like her dad. Remember to follow me at Twitter CourtneyLover79.
I cannot believe your still that little fraction of you so stuck up your own asses that you'd let 74 year old men be less intriguing than your Courtney Love is a bitch comments because I miss my husband every day and it's sick when people say that shit. A woman killed a cougar to death with her bare hands for messing with her toddler. Maternal Instinct is murderous, but I'm in a safe place i have a good law team and am getting a great Malpractice. Fraud, Trust and Insurance Fraud and Constitutional Lawyer that i have to do all this, is an ass pain as I'm in the midst of finishing a record, but myspace is almost sadly dead so I'm on twitter at courtneylover79. It is a sinking Titanic, not mine these deluded psychotic crazy Poison Dwarfs. It only feeds my muse, I wont ever ever ever shut up about the truth. I have now called the other people who I've left out of it, and your all so dead I don't care if you do have 49.3 billion, disgusting, truly disgusting, if it was just me I might not fight so hard but I'll fight til you're dead and you will die before me, you assholes, you lying corrupt pieces of shit
I hear that President Obama gets something like one billion euros for the pizza prize. That's a lot of motherfucking pizza. If it is really money and I am sure it is money because money has to be real, right? Does anyone know if President Obama is single because maybe I will quit my dreams of being the first lady of Venezuela because Hugo Chavez is hung like a horse but money is much better and makes me more tingly than a huge cock.
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