Month: October 2009

  • Celebrity Round Up 10/9

    I kept saying I was going to post this earlier but I got interested in high school football on the TV and then it was that Rescue Ink show on National Geographic Channel and then well I can't remember what happened.  Anyway I was interested in that Rescue Ink show.  It was actually sort of sad and that in one of the first episodes they couldn't resolve a story of a dog that disappeared, things like that eat away at me and now I am going to rip into celebrities to make myself feel better.  Some images are not safe for work and some may not be safe for life.


    For no reason, here's Verne Troyer...OK there is a reason, I just want to give a little something to the ladies.  I kill me!  Seriously, I'll wait for you to get that "back massager".

    Tila Tequila has been posting some suicidal Twitter posts lately.  She was saying in one that she is needed in heaven and that she is really sad on earth.  She claims the reason she is sad is district attorneys, NFL linebackers, and overweight bloggers.  Guess which category I fall under?  That's right NFL linebacker.  Well...I will make her sadder with these comments:  Wow, she's tiny! -or- Here's a photo of something that costs 25 cents for every 15 minutes of use and a parking meter.

    Victoria SIlverstedt was recently photographed enjoying herself on the beach.  Is she doing what I think she is doing?  Increasing the odds of contracting melanoma?  Actually I think it is something else because look at her face.

    Sylvester Stallone got himself a new tattoo.  At first I thought it was Paula Abdul but it turns out that it is a portrait of his wife.  I make fun of tattoos mostly because I can't have them but I won't make fun of his.  It's really befitting on Stallone because it draws attention away from his face.

    Suri Cruise was photographed having a mild stroke while at an ice cream shop in Boston.  I guess she may not be a robot after all.  You know what, I make that same face every time I go to Culver's...mmmm Culver's.


    Spencer and Heidi Pratt bought two new puppies this week.  They named them Dolly and Ninja.  Many of you may not know this but I am a dog whisperer/psychic.  I can communicate with dogs and those two dogs are telling me that they are already making plans to have coyotes drag them away. 

    In the best news I have received all decade, there is going to be a sequel to SHOWGIRLS!  YES!  Sadly none of the original cast will be in the sequel so don't expect to see any more Saved by the Bell boobs.  When Showgirls first came out a friend and I joked about how it was just Saved by the Bell and explained what happened to Jessie.  She just disappeared and was replaced with a leather jacket wearing girl.  Anyway this new Showgirls is going to be set in Frankfurt, Germany where a Vegas stripper goes to seek revenge for her murdered brother...I am so ANXIOUS!

    Friday was Sean Lennon's birthday.  He turned 34.  Friday would have been his father John's birthday as well.  He would have been 69.  That is so eerie...father and son sharing the same birthday.  Sadly I never realized that until today.

    R Kelly revealed a shocking secret about himself this week.  Sit down for this one.  Are you sitting?  *long sigh*  HE CAN'T READ!  He said he was just passed around through the grades and that he barely got out of grade school.  R Kelly is the same guy that once said he was the greatest writer.  Wow, an illiterate guy claiming he is a great writer...why, that's like Fox News claiming to be fair and balanced.  R also likened himself to Martin Luther King Jr. and pissed on an underage girl.  EUREKA!  I now know why he had sex with an underage girl.  He asked to see her i.d. and he couldn't read it.  Why didn't his lawyers use that defense? 

    Some of us with inside information in the Twin Cities know that Prince is Rihanna's father.  Wow...they are so identical.  I have this weird feeling inside me and the only way I can describe it is this is what it must feel like when doves cry.

    Miley Cyrus has done the unthinkable.  She quit Twitter.  This was one of her last tweets: 'FYI Liam doesn't have a twitter and he wants ME to delete mine with good reason."  I bet the good reason was that he didn't want her posting photos like this anymore.    Earlier in the day Miley wrote: "I'm the happiest I've ever been & for that my family's SO grateful. So for LAME bloggers that don't know what they're talking about SHUT UP!"  Ouch...I am so lame...oh and by the way here's Miley's 100% totally legit Xanga.  Then later this week, Miley's mom shut down her Twitter account.  Uh-oh...something is afoot at the Circle K.  Where is the god of mullets in all of this?

    Sisters dress alike and act alike and make farty duck lip faces alike.  That is Miley's younger sister making the constipated strain lips.  She's 9 years old.  Noah posted this photo of herself and her friends on her Twitter account.  I wish Miley would have taken Noah with her.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT FAMILY?

    Remember last week when I talked about how Playboy was getting desperate by offering Kelly Osbourne a pictorial?  Remember how a few weeks ago it was Kate Gosslein?  Remember how a few months ago it was Tara Reid(she is going to be in an upcoming issue)?  Anyway the November issue of Playboy will feature Marge Simpson, from the animated TV show The Simpsons.  This isn't going to be like that Maxim spread she did a few years ago...I can't believe I wrote that and will write this...Marge plans on going all the way nude for Playboy.  So many questions pop into my mind.  Well one actually, does the carpet match the drapes?  Oh and if you are brave, I did a random search of Marge Simpson porn and this was the first site...NSFL(not safe for life)

    Lindsay Lohan's father was talking about her new addiction.  No it isn't Star Trek eye wear...that deserves many props.  He claims that she is addicted to prescription drugs and blames her poor career choices on her addiction.  Wow, I just thought she was lazy and couldn't act.

    This photo of Lindsay was taken after her fashion show last weekend.  YUM!  She is making Courtney Love look good about right now.

    You know it's been a while since we saw Lily Allen.  Here I thought she got a boyfriend and was only exposing her nipples for him.  Thank you, Lily!  You are just renewed my belief that I may stand a chance.

    It was revealed this week that Kevin Federline has done $100,000 damage to a house he has been renting since May.  Here's a rundown of some of the damage: gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles, broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island, permanent spit marks on exterior paint, broken light covers, bent light posts, broken tiles, dead trees and plants due to failure to water, drawings all over the walls, room that was turned into a studio (without the owners' permission), broken dishwasher ... with broken baskets, dismantled smoke detectors, front driveway oil-leak damage, master bathroom windows tinted (without owners' permission), and missing garage door opener.  First off, that sounds exactly like some of my former neighbors.  How is K-Fed going to pay for all those damages?  The easiest way would be to give up fast food for a month but that might send the fast food economy into a tailspin.  Well it looks like he will just have to knock up another rich chick to get paid.

    I swear Katy Perry snuck into my house this week and stole my sheets off my bed...I mean my childhood sheets that I have stored away in my dresser.  Oh well it looks better as a dress on her than on my bed.  I'm an adult now which means I need newer sheets.  I guess that means this weekend I am going to get me some Transformers or G.I. Joe sheets.

    Kate Moss posed topless for another magazine.  Blah blah blah blah...yawn...you know who the only people on this planet that haven't seen her topless are?  THE AMISH!

    Heidi Klum gave birth to a baby girl this week.  Heidi named HER Lou Samuel.  Old man names for little girls must be the new Hollywood trend.  I guess that means if I ever have a daughter her name will be something like Emil Clarence or if I go with a common old man name around here Adolph Harold.

    Frances Bean(left) the 17 year old daughter of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain wrote an open letter to 15 year old Ali Lohan(right...yes she's 15). For your reading pleasure: This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.  Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.
    I see that Courtney has taught her daughter that spell check is evil.  If you read that I hope you don't die of irony poisoning.  Oh and I have to say that even though her writing isn't the best Frances seems to be well adjusted for having Kurt and Courtney as parents although Kurt as around that long.

    Earlier this week Elizabeth Taylor tweeted that she wanted everyone to pray for her because she was having heart surgery.  Well I guess her Twitter prayer request worked because Elizabeth tweeted again that the surgery was a success.  Is there nothing that Twitter can't do?

    So there is this show on NBC called The Office and last night there was a cameo by one of the biggest stars in the world...the three wolves t-shirt.  Dwight wore it and when I saw it I felt the madness.  Now I bet you are all wishing you read my old lukewarm links entries.

    Coco posted some photos on Twitter this week.  Now who says that Twitter is worthless?

    Coco also took time out of her hectic schedule of being a trophy wife and being all hot to pose with another rapper's girlfriend Amber Rose.  You know rappers' arm candy has got to stick together.  Oh man...I need to have some private time...it's been a busy week.

    Christina Aguilera showed off her new Halloween costume this week.  Bet you can't guess what it is.  OK, I'll let you know...she's going as a hooker with bills that are due.

    Earlier this week, the FBI released documents saying that they investigated Anna Nicole Smith in a plot against her former husband.  Someone wanted him dead so that they could collect his money.  The FBI said that Anna Nicole wasn't capable of carrying out this plot.  Why?  Well she didn't have the brain power to pull off a heist of that magnitude.

    A new biography about Britney Spears claims that while she was dating Justin Timberlake she had countless pregnancy scares.  The biography also claims that when Britney found out she was pregnant with her second child she went out to a bar and chugged 5 cocktails in a possible effort to kill the child.

    As fucked up as that may seem, it will never be as fucked up as when Britney looked like this.

    Video Section:
    Tom Delay was forced out of the Dancing with the Stars competition because of stress fractures in his feet.  Come on, this guy was called The Hammer.  He may have skirted the law before but he should be locked up for his dancing.

    Here's the Wolf Shirt scene from The Office.

    I hope everyone has a swinging weekend.  We love you, Chevy!

  • Questions with the Godfather and his cock

    Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted.  I have been babysitting my father and Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week. 

    Me: Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
    Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
    Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
    Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
    Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
    Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed.
    Cocky: Yeah, so I heard that you are filling out some funny application questions.
    Me: Yeah, I wrote an essay last night about different things from my life that besides what I have learned in classes that I would incorporate in the classroom.
    Cocky:  I could see all our conversations being useful.
    Me: Um...no.  I talked about how I coached volleyball and how I use the concept of teamwork so that all the students can achieve a common goal. 
    Cocky: You? You play volleyball?
    Me: I don't play, I coached.  My knees are too bad to play.  I would dive for a ball and get down on my knees and never be able to get back up.
    Cocky:  Yeah...sounds like you spent too much time being a page at the state capitol.
    Me: I was never a page...HEY WAIT A MINUTE!  So going with oral sex jokes already?
    Cocky:  I love oral sex jokes even though the mainstream media seems to think they suck.


    Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

    Fighting Cock Bourbon. 

    Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                             Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
    Me: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
    Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
    Me: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
    Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
    Me: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
    Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
    Me: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
    Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
    Me: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child.  He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl.  I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home.  He said that he had a moral lapse of reason.  Should I remain friends with him?  Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
                                             Conundrum in Coon Valley
    Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero.  If I was you I would dump this friend. 
    Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
    Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing.  If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you.  If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
    Cocky:  Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                              Pissed Off in Plum City
    Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
    Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.
    Me: Oh so Cocky, you're sounding like a broken record recommending that throat punch.
    Cocky: You bitch...pot kettle black...VOLLEYBALL!  VOLLEYBALL!  I am so mad that I am going to start spitting here.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                            Dater in DeSoto
    Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
    Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is
    9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Recently I was on a date with a girl and things were going smoothly.  Then as I was driving her home she reached over and grabbed my crotch.  It wasn't that pleasant because she was rough.  I laughed nervously and she removed her hand.  She called me up later and said she was devastated because she had never touched a guy in that manner before.  I guess my question is should I go out with her again despite the awkwardness?
                                             Touched in Twivers
    Me: Well I would say go for it.  There will be some awkwardness at first but you may want to explain why you were shocked.  If this is truly the first time she grabbed a guy like that then maybe she has feelings for you and didn't know how to express herself.
    Cocky: Yeah, dude, either she is nuts about you are she wants to be your urologist.  Go out with her again or both the godfather and I will come and punch you in the throat.

    Oh and if you don't like time-stamping please don't tell me to quit xanga on my blog.  It's time-stamping.  Please, don't be like some mental deficient bloggers out there by reporting me to xanga for harassment because I time-stamped and you can't wrap your small mind around that.  Just block me and unsubscribe like a normal person.  Dang, I shouldn't have written this, Prince Guko and the vegetarian vampires may attack me.

    If you have any questions send them to advicewithcocky@gmail.com or send them to me here at Xanga.

  • Motivation

    Babysitting my dad was almost as bad as babysitting a 5 year old.  He just runs around and makes noises and asks for a drink of water.  He broke two bones in his hand and then his right eye was swollen shut.  I don't know why but the first thing I asked was if he cried.  He looked at me with his unswollen eye, the eye that had a cornea replacement surgery and then cataract surgery, and said, "Go to hell."  We then both laughed.  He looks like what Rocky looked like after his bout with Apollo Creed.  I was tempted to ask if he wanted me to cut his eye to drain the blood.

    I heard part of Conan O'Brien's "In the Year 3000" this evening and it was hilarious. "In the year 3000, Conan O'Brien will admit to having sex with his co-workers, sadly this was when he was self-employed."

    I really am beginning to dislike how every professional and collegiate sports program from the state of Michigan is playing for that state and to relieve the pain of the failing economy.  OK, Lions, this is all on you.  You win the Super Bowl, everything gets fixed.  I am campaigning that the Milwaukee Buck have to win the NBA championship because the price of milk has fell out and dairy farmers in this state have been crippled.  Oh and speaking of dairy, have you seen those Happy California Cows ads?  Those commercials are such bullshit(hehe?) because cows are more productive when the temperature is 40F or lower.

    Does anyone remember this website called Myspace?

    TBS had a baseball game and to cheer up the state of Michigan for the Tigers' failure to make the baseball playoffs they have currently aired 4 and a half consecutive hours of The Office....oops it finished during my typing.

    Here's your weekly dose of motivation:






    I am feeling motivated.  A few years ago I signed up for a blog radio site and I couldn't get it to work because my microphone worked.  Now I am fully operational so I am toying with the idea of doing a once a week audio bong(typo remains).  I wonder if I would have any followers.  Before I get excited I have to figure out if I can do this.

    Well that is it for this week.  I'll keep you posted about the radio thing.

  • Freaks and Geeks- Noshing and Moshing (episode 15)

    Previously on Freaks and Geeks: Pilot, Beers and Weirs, Tricks and Treats, Kim Kelly is My Friend, Tests and Breasts, I'm with the Band, Carded and Discarded, Girlfriends and Boyfriends, We've Got Spirit, The Diary, Looks and Books, The Garage Door, Chokin' and Tokin', Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers.

    Noshing and Moshing was written by Paul Feig and J. Elvis Weinstein and was directed by Jake Kasdan.

    Plot Summary: Neal wrestles with the dilemma of whether to tell his mother about his father's affair. Lindsay is given detention after coming to the aid of a girl being attacked by a boy. Daniel deals with pressures at home and with Kim. He escapes from his problems through punk music.

    This is a fun episode.  You finally get to see how Neal deals with the discovery of his father's wandering ways.  We also catch a glimpse of Daniel's home life and it isn't so pretty.  If you look at the characters of Neal and Daniel you wouldn't think they have much in common however as the story develops you see that they have quite a bit in common and their storylines work so well in the same episode.  Why did they have to cancel this brilliant show?

    We caught bits and pieces of Daniel's life throughout the series however this episode gives us the biggest glimpse.  In one scene we find out the Daniel's father is an invalid but his ailment is never mentioned.  His mother tries to talk Daniel out of going to school so that he can go get his father's medicine.  Lately I have been experiencing what Daniel went through.  He says that he has too many tardies and asks if he should drop out of school and get a minimum wage job to which his mother says that it would be a help.  When Daniel finally gets to school he gets chewed out by Kim but Daniel is too proud to explain his family situation so he barks back at her.  We finally see all the pressure that is put on this high school junior who has already been held back twice in his academic career.

    We see Daniel go into his hole of a bedroom and blast some Black Flag.  The punk music fits him to a tee however you would think he would be jumping around and screaming with the music.  Not Daniel, he is cowering and balled up as if he is trying to disappear.  You really feel for the guy.

    With his new found punk persona, he asks out another punk girl in a pretty funny scene.  That remind me of a time I asked out a goth girl.  Here I was in a suit and tie after coming from a day at the old salt mines and she all gothed up.  Well it was awkward but I learned she wasn't my material.

    When Daniel goes back to Kim...well the Dean Martin was playing and I had tears.  I cried because of this episode.  Love, sometimes I think it is overrated yet it can be so beautifully displayed on TV.  It's been so long since I experienced that so I have forgotten.

    We also learn that Neal is channeling all his frustration into an asipring career as a ventriloquist.  I love how Bill gets freaked out by the dummy.  Oh and has a dentist ever invited you over to his house ofr a patients' party?  I didn't think so.  We also get to meet Neal's older brother Barry who is attending the University of Wisconsin.  We also find out how Barry benefitted from his father's adultery.  Remember how Neal received an Atari?  Well Barry got a car from his dad.  I also felt bad for Neal when he saw his brother kissing Lindsay, the girl who Neal has had a crush on since the first episode.  Neal had some good jokes during his act but you could jsut feel his pain.  It was also a treat to see the Weirs parents drunk.

    Things to Watch For:  Bill's dance...nuff said!  The music he dances to was composed by Paul Feig.

    Look for the guest roles from Ron Lester(Billy Bob from Varsity Blues) and David Krumholtz.  Krumholtz has been a favorite actor and this role was one of his tranistions into taking adult roles.  Before this he mostly played geeky kid roles.  After this role he popped up on ER and played a schizophrenic that killed a doctor in the emergency room.  Currently he is a sexy geek on Numb3rs.  Roger Ebert had a theory that a nerd will be a nerd forever, but a geek is often someone who just has to wait a few years until the world catches up with them.

    Barry's story of being a geek and turning in cool was a major theme of the short-lived Judd Apatow series "Undeclared".  If you haven't seen it, look for it.  You will see many of the actors from Freaks and Geeks in that series.

    Did Mrs. Schweiber really know her hsuband was cheating?

    Trivia: During the opening title sequence to the episode "Noshing and Moshing" while Daniel, Ken and Nick are in the liquor store, the cooler behind them contains flavors of Gatorade Frost that were not introduced until 1998. The show is set in 1980.

    The album Daniel buys and listens to with headphones on (“Damaged” by Black Flag) was not released until December 1981, the show takes place in late 1980.

    In the original version of the episode, the song played during the final scene was "Only Love Will Break Your Heart" by Neil Young.

    Music: "Space Funk" by Paul Feig; "Rise Above" by Black Flag; "Your Phone is Off the Hook But You're Not" by X; "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You" by Dean Martin; "Lime Green," "Happy Street" and "Punk Rock 201," performed by Diesel Boy

    Quotes:
    Daniel: You're supposed to go inside, take care of him, and I'm supposed to go to school! It's called Wednesday.

    Daniel: What, so it's my fault that you left your stuff in my car?
    Kim:  No, it's your fault that you're the most unreliable person ever.
    Daniel: Well, you're certainly reliable, you're always a BITCH!

    Mr. Kowchevski: Why don't you go pick on someone your own size. There's a bus in the parking lot.

    Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

    Here's the episode, enjoy!  After this one, only three episodes remain.

  • Green Bay vs. Minnesota

     Like I said on Sunday, the only game that mattered to me was the Badgers versus the Gophers and the Badgers won that game. 

    Overall I was impressed by Aaron Rodgers.  For having a decimated offensive line, he had a great game.  I am going to fax my résumé to the Packers front office along with a photo from my football days to see if I can be of service.

    Classy, right?  It's the only photo I have of my football days.  I sort of got rid of them all one night when I realized I probably would never play again.  Anyway it's a magnet and I don't have a scanner so this has to do.

    Oh and the game was hard to watch with that lowlife piece of trash Brett Favre.  I actually think Terry Bradshaw had something decent to say.

    There's 12 more games left in the season, this is just one loss.

  • Monday Morning Mash-Up Madness

     I am back to posting this one when I normally post it, lat Sunday/early Monday.  I crashed this evening and luckily I recorded all the shows I normally watch.  I am probably heading right to bed after this. 

    This mash-up takes Blondie's "Rapture" and mashes it with "Riders on the Storm" by The Doors.  I love this one.  It's audio porn for me but that is most likely due to my love of The Doors.  It's too bad I never got to see the original line-up.  I did get to see The Doors of the 21st Century with Ray Manzerek and Robbie Krieger from the original band.  They added a drummer and lead singer, obviously.  Ian Astbury filled in for Jim and did a spectacular job.  The show I went to in Minneapolis was breath-taking because I thought AStbury was channeling the spirit of Jim Morrison.  Anyway I love how this mash-up works.  It makes me wonder what The Doors would have sounded like if they continued on and Jim hadn't joined the 27 Forever Club.

    Here is one that I didn't think would work when I first saw the combination.  It takes "Dirt Off Your Shoulders" by Jay-Z(can't tell if that is the actual song name but it sounds right) and mashes it with The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony".  I love "Bittersweet Symphony".  It made me feel bad when I find out that The Verve has this long and excellent career in the UK and then this is their only hit in the US.  Still it's an excellent song.

    Just in time for Halloween...Michael Jackson's "Bad" mashed up with Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters".  The funny thing is after the first time I heard this, I forgot the actual tune for "Bad" and can only here this song.


    Fiends forever!

    I hope everyone had a good time this weekend.  We love you, Chevy!

  • Weekend Randomness

    They often say start off with a joke so...What's the difference between my paycheck and my penis?  I have women lined up around the block that are willing to blow my paycheck.

    As I mentioned in my Celebrity Round Up I went with my dad to see his doctor in a follow up.  He really did talk to me about what the visit was for just that he had to go.  My dad was more interested in where we would eat.  We decided on a local restaurant called Pizza Doctors.  The city where my dad goes to see the doctor has three post-secondary schools all with majors in medicine so it is a fitting restaurant for this place.

    You walk in and immediately think of a hospital because you see IV bags hanging above the pop machines.  Also they have the silverware labeled and I can't remember all the cute names off-hand but I remember they label knives as scalpels. Usually whenever I have been there it is for their lunch buffet which they call the Mid-Day Check-Up.  I remember a particular fun time going there in high school.  One of my science classes went to a university to see a display and we talked the teacher into letting us go to lunch at this place.  We annihilated that buffet.  4/5ths of the varsity football team's offensive line ate that day so go figure.  They have amazing pizza and when you want to create your own they call that the Operating Room with Exploratory toppings and they call their appetizers pre-op which doesn't sound that appetizing.  If you want drinks, you get Local Anesthetics and if beer is your game that is a General Anesthetic.   They offer a special buffet usually once or twice a week but for the month they offer it every evening.  This buffet is called Exploratory Surgery and it features all their specialty pizzas.  My dad and I were the first people to arrive so they ask us what we want.  They offer 24 specialty pizzas not to mention all the regular combination.  Then they also offer 22 different dessert pizzas. 
    These are amazing entree pizzas
    Dr. Limpet= crab, alfredo sauce, mozarella
    Dr. Schaney= chicken, caesar sauce, black olives, croutons, lettuce, tomatoes
    Dr. Foghorn Leghorn= chicken, barbecue sauce, onions, cheddar cheese
    Dr. Ziffel= bacon, mayo, mozarella, tomatoes, lettuce
    General Practioner= everything
    Freudian Slip= bratwurst, sauerkraut, cheddar cheese
    Michelle's Garden= mushorroms, onions green peper, broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes
    Dr. Don Ho= ham, pineapple, beef, tomatoes
    Dr. Mac= thousand island dressing, beef, pickles, onions, cheddar cheese, lettuce (just like the burger)
    Cardiac Arrest= beef, pepperoni, green and jalepeno peppers
    Dr. Cortez= basic taco pizza
    Dr. Potato Head= baked potato bits, bacon, mozzarella, cheddar, and gravy sauce
    Dr. Doolittle= mushrooms, onions, green peppers, green olives, black olives
    Doc Adams= ham, bacon, green peppers, onions, diced eggs, cheddar cheese
    Dr. Bayou= cajun dressing, chicken, bacon, onion, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses
    Dr. Wimpy= beef, bacon, dill pickles, onions, cheddar, lettuce, tomatoes
    Dr. Kildare= Broccoli and cheddar cheese
    Dr. Zorba= tzatsiki sauce, beef, lamb, onions, tomatoes
    Dr. Ranch= chicken, ranch dressing, onions, tomatoes
    Dr. Bellows= hot salsa, chicken, onions, jalepenos
    Doogie Howser= cheese sauce and elbow macaroni
    Bunny Food= ranch dressing, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, tomatoes, cuccumbers, tomatoes
    Garlic-Butter Veggie= garlic butter sauce, mushrooms, green peppers, green olives

    These are my highlights(they have 22 total):
    Dr. Seuss= peanut butter and jelly
    Dr. Samore= peanut butter, bananas, chocolate chips, marshmallows
    Dr. Double Stuff= marshmallow creme, oreos, and mini marshmallows
    Dr. Decay= marshmallow creme, Skittles, mini marshmallows
    Samoa= caramel sauce, chocolate chips, nuts, coconuts

    This was the largest meal I ate in some time.  No I didn't try all of those but I just wanted to share their menu.

    The other highlight of my weekend was Saturday.  That is when the most important game between a team from Wisconsin and Minnesota took place.  Screw that Brett Favre, the Paul Bunyan Axe is more important to me.  The University of Wisconsin and Minnesota have one of the longest football rivalries in major college football.  Many college rivalries play for trophies and this rivalry is like all the others.  They used to play for what was called The Slab of Bacon but it was "lost" in the Wisconsin athletic department sometime in 1943 so in 1948 a new trophy was introduced and that was the Paul Bunyan Axe.

    I couldn't find a color photo of the trophy that wasn't "in use".  That is simply what it looks like.  One side is red for Wisconsin and the other side is gold for Minnesota.  The handle contains the outcomes of each game from the inception of this trophy.

    There's an upclose shot of big Joe Thomas swinging the axe on the goal post.  The item in the oval is the original Slab of Bacon.  You know what, I bet Joe Thomas wishes he was back at the UW because they actually can win games unlike the Cleveland Browns.

    The Paul Bunyan Axe is basically bragging rights between the two schools.  Although Minnesota leads the series between the two schools, Wisconsin has won the axe the most.  After Saturday, the Badgers have won the axe 6 straight times.  This makes me sad because the last time the Badgers lost the axe I was at the game in teh Metrodump.  It is quite the site to see.  It is brought out at half time and is kept under guard by police until the game is over and then the team runs over and grabs it and parades it around the stadium and then they proceed to go to the goal posts and "cut them down".


    It's funny how the original lyrics to the University of Wisconsin's fight song "On Wisconsin" contained the lyrics "run the ball through Minnnesota"

    My guys...much better than the NFL.

    So this was from a couple of years ago but it still makes me happy to see those goal posts get chopped down.

    Back where it belongs.

    Man, I am loving this Badgers team this year.  Next week is going to be a challenge, at Ohio State.  I will have to do some more about the Badgers because I have so much more to say especially concerning the marching band.  You want to know how big of a party school the University of Wisconsin is?  Consider that THE MARCHING BAND was put on NCAA probation.  It's wild.  Last year I remember walking to the game and seeing 70 year old ladies doing beer bongs out of frat house top floors.  Playoby magazine used to rank the schools but they never included Wisconsin because they couldn't include the professionals with the amateurs. 

    I'll be back later with a Mash-Up Madness post.

  • Celebrity Round Up 10/2

    I went with my dad to the doctors.  It was one of his follow-ups from his last appointment. I guess he's fine but I will have to write about that in another post because I did something yesterday that in all my years in this area I have never done but always wanted to...no, not that perverts.  It was eating at a restaurant for a specific meal.  Anyway on to the round up.  Some images may not be safe for work or life.


    Here she goes again on her own...do you know how long I have been waiting for that joke?  Tawny Kitaen, hair metal video girl, new WKRP actress, husband beater, and graduate of VH-1's Celebrity Rehab, was arrested for drunken driving.  When will people learn that rehab doesn't always work especially when it is televised to millions on a basic cable channel?  OK not really news but I just wanted to bust out a Whitesnake joke that didn't involve fire.

    This is the most disgusting news I read this week.  Suri Cruise is 3 years old and she has a wardrobe estimated in value at $3million.  Posh Beckham commissioned a designer to make clothes for her and Suri already is a diva in that she hates wearing clothes twice.  You know, I still have clothes from college and this week I have worn the same sweatpants around my house and my underwear has holes in it.  Fuck my life...3 years old...$3million.

    I love this photo.  Paparazzi caught Ryan Seacrest coming out of a bar and he was visibly drunk.  Here we see him sitting in the car dreading the decision he made to drink that second Fuzzy Navel.

    I should have seen this coming.  Rose McGowan basically retired from show business this week after dumping her boyfriend and film maker Robert Rodriguez.  Her timing was impeccable.  They had just wrapped up filming Machete...you know the movie that got made because of the positive reviews of the fake trailer in the Grindhouse movie package.  So Rose dumped the only guy who cast her in movies.  She may as well have burnt her Screen Actor's Guild card too.

    You know, Rihanna looks so demure.  I happen to enjoy this look.  I think women should wear more outfits where nipples and genitals may make surprise guest appearances.  It's their right.

    Randy Quaid turned 59 this week.  It probably wasn't a happy birthday seeing he is currently in a money shitstorm.  He is currently facing charges of stiffing a hotel out of a bill and it was revealed that he owes the IRS $1.16million.  At one point in his life he was making $83,000 per month and now he is trying to file for bankruptcy.  Poor Cousin Eddie.  It's sad to think that he may end up just like his character.  Oh and I didn't post the new photo because I wanted to show Randy in newer happier money having times.  He looks like such a pimp.  His new photos...I don't know but I think he is some sort of cult leader.  Maybe that is why he isn't paying the IRS.  He's a religious leader...ah those were the days.  I am trying to figure out how to get out of taxes because my cats are ordained in the Universal Life Church.

    Padma Lakshmi, one of the hosts of Top Chef, has come down with a case of the pregnant.  No word on who the father is and her assistants won't comment and are begging that people respect her privacy...HAHAHAHAHA!  I want to start a rumor but who do I say is the father?  That bald-headed Brit, Toby?  Tom Colicchio?  Anthony Bourdain...yeah, he's cool like that.  Oh and since she is this foodie and since people have been known to eat the placenta...do you think that will be a Quickfire Challenge in an upcoming season?

    Do you remember this mugshot of Mel Gibson and his subsequent rant?  Well Mel doesn't want you to remember it.  He has petitioned to have all his comments erased from the record.  Mel, there's no way that I can forget that you said that Jews have started all the wars of the world.  You can't just go erasing things you don't like.  That wouldn't be right, would it, Sugar Tits?

    Here is a shot from the film in which Mel is currently starring.  The movie is called The Beaver and is directed by Jodie Foster and she co-stars with Mel in this film.  I am sure the beaver we see that Mel has his hand in comes from Jodie's personal collection...oh this is going to get good.  Stay tuned for more beaver jokes.

    SHHHHHHH?  Too late Brian...I mean Marilyn Manson.  Your secret has been exposed.  Last week you told me that you had the H1N1 or swine flu.  This week you admitted it was a poorly written joke in which you were saying that you have made poor taste in the women with whom you have sex.  You are calling them pigs, right?  Looking at this photo, I think maybe they should be the ones joking about fucking pigs.

    I haven't given any news about the hot mess that is the sequel to Sex and the City.  There has been a rumor going around that Liza Minnelli is featured in a part of the movie, a scene which involves her singing at a gay wedding.  The song she is rumored to sing...Single Ladies by Beyonce.  If that isn't gay...OK I don't mean to be mean here but could someone tell me how Liza and her mother have become icons of the gay community?

    Lindsay Lohan is currently signed up to be on a celebrity edition of Big Brother.  I am hoping this is going to be a new American series.  It has usually only aired in the UK but with someone the caliber of Lindsay Lohan they might have to air it in the U.S.  She's going to be trapped in a house with a handful of other people.  That sounds more like rehab to me.  Hopefully the producers of that show will not allow Lindsay to have any nose-powdering time.

    This photo of Lindsay was taken Thursday night in Paris.  Lindsay is rumored to be in negotiations to pose for Playboy and is also set for Big Brother.  WHY?  I can't believe she is younger than myself.

    This week Lady Gaga gave an eye-melting performance.  I think she is trying to disprove those rumors that she also has a penis.

    There is an interesting story going around about Lamar Odom and his new bride Khloe "the Hulk" Kardashian.  It seems that his lawyers and the Hulk's lawyers couldn't agree on the prenuptial agreement.  They went ahead with the ceremony but it wasn't "official".  The whole time I have been thinking, what sort of person would need or even want a prenup when marrying a Kardashian girl?

    Kim Kardashian was at the Hulk's wedding and she was so moved by the fake wedding that she had to go back to her exboyfriend Reggie Bush.  Wait...why am I talking about the Kardashians?  Do you realize that family got famous and has a TV series all because Kim videotaped herself having sex with Ray J and allowed him to urinate all over her and she made the video public? 

    Kevin Federline has been spotted eating like a mad man.  Professor Federline has this crazy idea that if he gains a whole lot of weight before he goes on Celebrity Fit Club that he will lose more weight.  WOW!  I CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS THAT SMART!  GAIN MORE, LOSE MORE!  We now have the K-Fed Diet Plan.

    Kelly Osbourne has been approached by Playboy magazine.  They want her to pose nude.  RUN!  Hugh Hefner is 83 years old.  Either he is losing his touch or he sees some intangible beauty about her like keeping her mouth shut during football games.

    Justin Timberlake is set to star in a big screen movie about Facebook.  I bet that will be great.  Maybe it will be two hours of him filling out surveys, answering poll questions, playing Mafia Wars, and poking people.  Also he supposedly dumped his girlfriend Jessica Biel weeks ago and is currently dating Rihanna.  I feel bad for Jessica but strangely I feel good for Rihanna.  She never has to fear Timberlake beating her since Rihanna is more of a man than he is.

    Juliette Lewis is living proof that Scientology is great for the human mind.  Maybe Juliette is what that news anchor meant when he said, "Keep fucking that chicken."

    A shitstorm is brewing over at TLC.  Early in the week it was said that TLC fired Jon Gosslein from the show Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Then he goes on Larry King and starts crying about he is delaying the divorce and custody hearings and says that he owns the house so he isn't allowing TLC to film them anymore because it isn't healthy.  TLC had plans to change the show to Kate Plus 8 in which she struggles with 8 kids as a single parent and then find themselves in crazy situations each week.  Well I really don't know what the status is now but I do know VH-1 is in works to start a Jon Gosslein reality show called Jon Plus 87 Douchey Ed Hardy Shirts.

    A new sextape hit the internet this week and it allegedly stars Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.  They are no longer dating but it was filmed when they were.  The story is that it was filmed at a Caribbean resort and they forgot the camera in their room after checkout.  It is a boring tape and I really doubt it is them but then I am going on stereotypes so who knows.

    Early in the week, when I first heard this, Gay Fish...I mean Kanye West had been talking to friends saying that he was planning on going into rehab following his tour with Lady Gaga.  Well yesterday, the tour was canceled.  So does this mean---EXCUSE ME GODFATHEROFGREENBAY YOU ARE A GREAT BLOGGER BUT I AM THE GREATEST BLOGGER OF ALL TIME BECAUSE I USE ALL CAPS!

    Fred Durst classed up the joint by twittering that he and is wife of 3 months were getting divorced.  I don't think it is official because he didn't announce it on his Xanga account.  Oh you didn't know?  Those were to good old days of Xanga when Fred Durst was a blogger.  Team Xanga needs to get his ass back here.  He could do so much for this place...increased traffic, cellphone porn, emo metal, tattoo designs...XANGA NEEDS FRED DURST!

    I often give Eli Roth a hard time but last weekend he really gave back to his fans.  He had cyber sex with a couple of lucky fans in a forum and then posted that first photo.  You may need to enlarge the the forum pic to see what he wrote.  He really cares about his fans.  Now, if any of my fans are interested, I could be coerced into giving back like Eli.

    Edward Furlong's wife filed for divorce this week and one of her reasons is that she claims that Pecker(references rock) is addicted to crack.  She also claims that he threatened her by saying that he was going to hire people with chains and bats to beat her.  This guy is OUT THERE!  Remember a couple years ago when he went into a grocery store and stole lobsters from a tank because he wanted to free them?  Want to know my theory as to why he is going off the rails on the crazy train?  Two words:  Tara Reid.  She costarred with him in The Crow: Wicked Prayer.  I don't have to say more other than I hope he gets cleaned up.

    I debated whether or not I should post this because people might not know who either person is.  Well Courtney Love got friendly with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez last week.  She said that he winked at her and she smiled and then he winked again and then one more time.  3 winks sealed the deal.  She says that she plans on visiting his country.  Knowing Courtney there is one of two things going on in her brain.  One is that she has no clue who this guy is.  The other which is more likely is that she thinks she will go down to Venezuela and will be the first lady and the next Evita.

    Dita Von Teese turned 37 this week.  Why did she marry Marilyn Manson?  I hope she wasn't the pig he talked about. 

    You really didn't think I would post a story about Dita Von Teese and not post some of her lingerie photos. did you?  I think these are more of a birthday present for me.

    I haven't heard follow-up to this but Dennis Hopper was admitted to a hospital this week for flu-like symptoms.  People said that when he was wheeled into the hospital, he was on all sorts of breathing machines and had tubes everywhere.  Let's hope he gets better soon.  This flu stuff sucks.

    Hey conspiracy theorists looking for the Holy Grail.  I think we have found who possesses it.  If you really believe in that cup you really don't know your Bible and are a fool but anyway...Christiana Ricci must have it because I don't think she has aged since she turned 14.  She is 8 days older than myself.  I wish I looked that good at this age.

    Brooke Hogan's music producer, Scott Storch, has admitted the unthinkable...her music sucks.  He said that while he was producing her album that he was doing cocaine 24/7 and that her father, the Hulkster, was putting a lot of pressure on him to make the album a hit.  Why am I not surprised by this?  Whatcha gonna do, Scott Storch, when the 24 inch pythons and artificial hips and knees run wild all over you?  Oh and that is Hulk and Brooke, not his girlfriend that looks just like his daughter.

    Hey guys, Britney Spears is horny.  She has released a song called 3 and the song is about having a threesome.  You know if she really is hard up for sex, I'm twice the man than any of the guys she is with and I mean that literally because I have a glandular problem so I guess sex with me would be a threesome.  I was going to post it but some Nazis removed it from youtube. 

    Britney Spears filed for divorce from Walmart and here she is shopping at Target or as they say in the 507 and 952 to class it up...Tar-jay.  I think this photo has started a new website, People of Target.  I am also convinced Britney is off on a new baby daddy hunt...who am I kidding, I'd offer my services.

    Video Section
    The new Nightmare on Elm Street trailer hit the intertubes this week.  I don't know...Rorschach and Kelly Leak and the creeper from Little Children can't save this one.

    Does anyone still watch Saturday Night Live?  Last week Megan Fox hosted but that wasn't newsworthy.  One of the new cast members dropped an f-bomb.  Surprisingly that is only the third time in the history of that show that someone has said the word fuck.

    I hope everyone has a totally radical and tubular weekend.  Shine on you crazy diamonds!  We love you, Chevy!

  • Joke-Two for the Price of One


    “So I was with this girl last night, right?”
    “Yeah?”

    “Things are heating up, and we move to the bedroom, where she’s
     all like, ‘Oh, yeah, baby, give me 8 inches and make it hurt!’”
    “So what’d you do?”
    “The only thing I could do… screwed her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.”
  • Questions with the Godfather and his cock

    It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions.  I am glad to be back with my cock after his bout with fatigue. 

    Me: Hey, Cocky, how are you doing?
    Cocky:  I am full of vim and vigor.
    Me: I've noticed you have been quite active as of late.  Is that because of our sponsor's gifts?
    Cocky:  No, I raided your nightstand and took a few of those pills from the bottle labeled pick me ups.
    Me: Well did you leave any?
    Cocky:  Actually I was hoping you would get me some more.
    Me: Hmmmm not like I actually need them.
    Cocky:  Yeah your bed has been quite bare as of late.
    Me: Yes, I guess I haven't had a lot going on because I have so much weighing on my mind.
    Cocky:  May as well go to the doctor to have your nads removed now.
    Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.

    http://energyfanatics.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/rooster-booster-energy.jpg

    Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin.  Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear!  CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa.

    Me: Cocky, are you ready?
    Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload my knowledge amongst other things.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am a middle-aged woman who enjoys her B.O.B.! How often do you think is too often? And, as a cock, are you offended by my behavior?
                                              Carolyn in Cashton

    Me: I have often been under the assumption that there can never be too much of something but I think if you are changing batteries on a daily basis then maybe you need to put it down
    Cocky: Yeah and grab me.  I love being mouth hugged.
    Me: Cocky...what do you mean...hugged?
    Cocky: Hugged with a mouth but seriously in this economy we have to scrimp and save and if your battery operated boyfriend is going through more batteries then you can afford you better hang it up.  When I was in my state of not being able to get up in the morning, the henhouse had an extremely large number of cucumbers and carrots sitting outside.  And if you have any enemies, make them a salad.  By the way, I take no offense as long as I get some mouth hugs.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    I am trying to get into a new style of food and I am currently viewing Mexican cuisine as what I want to cook.  How can I make a killer burrito and look hot while doing it?
                                             Chef in Shelby

    Me: I usually like my burritos with black beans and cilantro as well as hot sauce and sour cream.  I need some dairy because I am from the Dairy State.  And to look hot, you can never go wrong with lingerie.
    Cocky:  As long as you don't make them with chicken then that is hot to me.  Habeneros would make them muy caliente!  To make it a complete meal you should wear edible underwear.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    My job sent me half way around the world to help establish new branches and coordinate with our home company.  I am going nuts missing my wife and kids.  How do I stay sane and not get drunk?
                                             Longing in Lomira

    Me:  Well I think the first thing you should do is start a Xanga and write.  Writing is therapeutic and you could also encourage your wife to set up an account so she could share photos.  And if you don't want to go that route set up fake accounts so you can post more intimate photos.  Maybe that is what the protected posts could get you?  Just make sure you keep your mind busy because there is nothing more dangerous than not having your mind focused on the task at hand.  Keep your wits about you, it makes seeing them when you do that much sweeter!
    Cocky:  Well well well...if you ever find yourself in Phuket, Thailand look for a place called Uncle Jimmy's Palace of Phuk.  There ask for the masseuse named Ling Ling.  She will most definetly get your mind off the old ball and chain.  If I speak from experience then you know she's a freak.  Just make sure you get your valtrex prescription filled before you visit.  If you want an extra special session ask about her enjoyment of the Cajun Hot Stick or a Flag Pole or Mongolian Peppermill or Turkish Toothbrush

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    Have you read George Orwell's Animal Farm, and, given that you're obviously the brains of this operation, has it ever given you pause for thought or inspiration?
                                            Reader in Readstown

    Me: No, not really.  I gave up on the book when I had fifth graders who had read the book because they saw a cartoon and thought talking animals were cool....do you get the irony here?
    Cocky: I dig Animal Farm. It's kinda like my bible. I think the ending is best and even parallels what goes on today. I mean seriously, can you tell the difference between Limbaugh and a pig?  Didn't think so.

    Dear Godfather and Cocky,
    What movies are you two anxious to see?  I bet the bleeding heart, limp wristed liberal Godfather is all about slathering on Michael Moore's nuts for his movie Capitalism.
                                             Movie Goer in Mondovi

    Me: Well thank you for calling me that.  I appreciate when readers take time to mock me.  Bravo!  Not only did you get my political thoughts wrong but you also managed to offend a group of readers.
    Cocky:  Answer the damn question, Olberman!
    Me: *sigh*  actually I am somewhat interested in the Michael Moore movie because of his interviews with Christian leaders who state that the American tradition of capitalism is against Biblical teachings.  The movie I want to see most comes out October 16th and that is Where the Wild Things Are.  What about you, Beck?
    Cocky:  OOOOOOHHHHHH GLEN BECK YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
    Me: Just be thankful you aren't a frog or I would do my impersonation of Glen Beck right now.
    Cocky: Touché...I guess the movie I am most anxious for is Jon and Kate Fuck 8

    http://pornparody.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/jon-kate-fuck-eight420.jpg

    Disclaimer: I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock. (I want to name the disclaimer after the Xangan that accused me of harassment after I timestamped one of the first)

    If you have a question for Cocky and myself, drop me an email here or send one to Cocky's email: advicewithcocky at gmail.com  SEND QUESTIONS PLEASE!