I just got a gross of casino playing cards.  144 packs.  I have no clue what I am going to do with all the cards but I am going to do something with them.  Actually I think I am going to use them for something at church.  It’s been a tradition at my church that every Christmas they give the children a bag filled with peanuts, candy, an apple and an orange because years ago that may have been the only “present” children received.  I may throw in a deck of cards with the bags.  Friends and readers living in my vicinity, let me know if you are in need of playing cards.

Music:

This mash-up contains “Crushed” by Paramore and “Pony” by Ginuwine.  “Pony” is the music and what a college classmate that I found extremely cute although the feeling was not reciprocated called “The Burp Song”.  It does somewhat sound like some one burping.  Want to experiment?  Who out there wants to feed me beer to see if I start singing?  I actually am more prone to sing whilst drinking.  There was that one time sitting on the curb singing the Soviet national anthem and some Russian people across the street joined in with me.  Who knew communism could provide such great memories?

OK this little ditty is “The Hand that Feeds” by Nine Inch Nails vs. “If You Seek Amy” by Britney Spears.  I love this one.  Trent Reznor is a musical genius.  I would be interested to see if there was a crossover with this one where the music from “The Hand that Feeds” works with the vocals from “If You Seek Amy”.  Anyway if you have time check out the video for “The Hand that Feeds”.  The instrumentals for that song just blow my socks off and I have large socks.

This mash-up contains 3 songs: “Imagine” by John Lennon, “Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed, and “Blues Music” by G. Love and Special Sauce.  It’s not that often that you see John Lennon or Lou Reed in a mash-up and then considering they are in the same mash-up…phenomenal. 

Actually it’s not me but can you imagine if it was?  If you see that handsome little bastard on facebook, well then you have found me for the time being.

A lot of people say I’m “not playing with a full deck” but the joke’s on them because I’m playing Uno.  Wait I am playing with a full deck…144 full decks.

Today I was all reminiscent and was thinking of my first girlfriend.  It was just so weird thinking about her after all these years…actually not because she walks by my house every day.  I was thinking of how she took my virginity.  Her vagina was like my first bike, bright red and a little bit too big for me, my dad had to hold my shoulders steady because I kept falling off, and when I wasn’t paying attention an older boy stole it from me.  After that I kept my next one safely chained up in the garage.

OK so maybe that didn’t happen…either way this week’s edition my contain images that are not safe for work or for life.

Tiger Woods is rumored to be cheating on his wife with this woman, Rachel Uchitel.  Earlier this year she broke up the marriage of Bones star David Boreanaz.  Anyway things turned into something quite odd last night.  I turned on the ESPN News and saw the red band at the bottom say that Tiger was in a major car accident.  Later in the day it turned to minor accident and that Tiger had sustained minor injuries.  Well now the police and other sources are saying that Tiger got into a shouting match with his wife, Ellen Nordegren, and left the house.  She followed him and broke out the windows on his SUV with a golf club(how fighting).  He drove down the street and thought he came to a stop but he hit a fire hydrant and then hit a tree.  The early reports were saying that his wife saw this accident happen so she ran with a golf club to smash out his windows to rescue him.  Well the injuries Tiger sustained were not related to the accident and when EMTs responded they found Ellen standing over a semi-conscious Tiger.  He also claims to have been taking a pain reliever which is why first reports say that officers that he may have been drunk.  Suddenly Tiger doesn’t seem so squeaky clean.  Can you blame him?  He competes in a sport where men are required to sink their balls in multiple holes.

Shakira wore this dress to the AMAs.  I want to be all CSI and investigate her body but that dress is so tight that it doesn’t leave much hidden.  She is gorgeous.

I’ve gathered that a few of you ladies enjoy looking at Taylor Lautner.  Some have come out and said that he is “cute” and “hot”.  I think Rolling Stone is turning into a very naughty type of magazine, one that needs to be mailed in a plastic wrap that covers everything but the title.  Oh well, Rolling Stone hates Dane Cook and that is fine by me.

Here we see Rumer Willis enjoying life and acting like she doesn’t give a shit.  Wow…she actually does look like she is a good actress.  I mean she pulls off the “interested in what you’re doing” look.  Of course she’s no Audrey Hepburn but she’s much better than Paris Hilton.

In sad news, this week it was made official…The Pussycat Dolls have disbanded.  They have broken up so that they could pursue their solo careers of singing stripping.  Well at least young girls still have Miley Cyrus to teach them that wearing clothes on the bottom half of your body is optional.

Paris Hilton’s mother recently came out and said that she was proud of her daughter…let that sink in.  What is she proud of?  Paris not getting implants.  Apparently that was a big issue for Paris because she saw all the other girls in Hollywood getting implants to gain popularity.  So what about that sex tape?  Was that a shining moment for the Hilton family?  Paris said that what turned her off from the idea was seeing the TV show Nip/Tuck.  Hell, I wish I had a girlfriend who was easily swayed by TV.  Of course I would want her to be swayed to get implants so I would watch nothing but Girls Next Door…that might also get her to pose naked for me when I am 80 so maybe it isn’t worth it.

Pam Anderson recently told people that she told her pre-teen sons about her sex-tape.  She told them because they saw the movie Borat.  Sorry, Pam, you can’t blame having to tell your children about your promiscuous ways on a movie.  I think your fake breasts, Hepatitis C, and having them call each guy you bring around the house on a weekly basis Daddy clued them into something being up.

Recently Miley Cyrus was at a burger joint in New York City.  She placed her order and the counter guy asked for her last name.  She asked the question people ask when their career is in a decline, “Don’t you know who I am?”  The clerk responded, “No.”  She answered, “I’m Miley Cyrus.”  He said, “Well, good for you.” Then he handed her the order and she left flabbergasted.  Come on, Miley, not every person is a Polish film director…are Roman Polanski jokes still OK or are his15 minutes of shame done?

Oh and did you know that Miley turned 17 this week?  Stop thinking what you are thinking when you look at that photo or you will be Roman Polanski’s cellmate.

OK this has got to be the strangest and most inaccurate story of the week.  Rumor has it that last week, after the Jimmy Kimmel show, sports announcer, Marv Albert got into an altercation with 50 Cent or a member of 50′s posse.  Some places are saying that Marv punched 50 in the jaw.  Tabloid stories get blown out of proportion all the time unless, in Marv Albert’s case, deal with crossd-ressing and forced sodomy.  If he punched 50 Cent there is no way Marv would still be calling games and not eating through a straw.

Lisa Rinna twittered the photo on the right.  The photo on the left is what she looks like without all the spackle.  I wonder how long it takes the Extreme Makeover team to caulk up her face in the mornings.  I’m not calling her ugly, it’s just amazing how much of a change there is.

WOW!  Here is a photo of the two most beautiful things in the world.  Can you name them?

Levi Johnston’s photo session for Playgirl was released this week.  This is about all I will post.  Sorry, Playgirl has been threatening sites that post the rest of the photo shoot.  This was one of the freebies that is floating around the internet.  Butt(typo stays with this story) I went the extra mile for my female and male, who are into guys, readers.  Be forewarned, the site is not safe for work.  Don’t say I never do anything for you….here…and don’t bother asking because I am not.

Do you ever get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying too hard to get people to like her music?  Oh and hermaphrodite rumors still abound so notice all the ace bandages.  Are the concealing a tuck job?

Kim Kardashian posted this photo on her Twitter this week along with the message “I reached my goal”.  I don’t know what that goal was.  She never replied to my tweet.  I do have a feeling that her goal was becoming a bigger fame whore than Paris Hilton.

Booooo Mancouch….you posted this before me and no, I did not take the photos from Mancouch.  I have ways around Facebook.  These photos wee supposedly taken at a party in celebration of Katie Couric becoming the lead anchor on the CBS Evening News.  Someone on Facebook posted the photos.  I’ll be honest.  When I was a weird and awkward pre-teen, I had a crush on Katie.  The way she read the news was…delightful.  Anyway…hot damn that girl can drop it like it’s hot.

Have you seen this kid before?  His name is Justin Bieber.  He is supposedly the new singing sensation.  I caught Wendy Williams today…yes, I watched Wendy Williams.  It was only for 10 minutes while I was switching DVDs.  That HBO series John Adams is magnificent.  Anyway, Justin is some youtube singing sensation that Usher signed to a deal and little girls cry and wet their pants around him.  They also cause riots.  Last weekend he was supposed to make an appearance at a mall.  Well it was false.  He had no intentions of performing and when it was announced all the girls went insane and caused a minor(ummm get it?) riot.  This kid is the future of music.  Those Jonas Brothers are so….old.

The AMAs had two memorable performances.  The first was Jennifer Lopez.  During her stage show she slipped and fell on her large derriere.  Her act was edited for the West coast with her fall being taken out.  The video was taken off youtube.  JLO, you may escape the media…well actually not since I have this photo…anyway, gravity always wins.

In a unanimous decision, guys the world over voted that Jay-Z is the biggest pussy on the planet.  He performed at a Victoria’s Secret show and the models asked if they could have their photos taken with him and HE SAID NO!  He said no out of respect for his wife Beyonce.  OK so maybe that is acceptable.  Wait, isn’t the reason people strive to become famous so that they can be photographed with models or are my priorities wrong?  No, Jay-Z is a big pussy but he isn’t the world’s biggest.  That award goes to Paris Hilton.  You know that is where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Last week I posted some photos of a Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair altercation to promote a wrestling match.  Well these are photos from said wrestling match.  I probably would have been more excited for that match if it was 15 years ago.  And since I am such a wrestling fan…THE HULKSTER IS HULKING UP!  WHAT’CHA GONNA DO WHEN THE HULKSTER AND ALL THE LITTLE HULKAMANIACS RUN WILD ALL OVER YOU?  If you answered “pull down a 50+ year old man’s wrestling bikini” then you are correct.

Recently, Eva Longoria told people that she and her husband, Tony Parker, only have sex on the weekend.  WHEW!  Thank goodness, I was so worried about Eva’s sex life.  You know…what is the point of marriage in that case?  You may as well just be participating in the bar scene.  OK I am cynical since I am single and celibate.

Here we see Don Johnson, Ryan Seacrest, and Larry King clowning around at Larry King’s 76th birthday party.  Sadly this was NOT a casting call for a sequel to The Three Amigos.  Damn, I think I just jinxed that movie.  Watch, in a few months I’ll be announcing that it is being remade.  But who would be the three amigos…Will Ferrell, Seth Rogen, and Jeremy Piven?

I usually don’t do sports here but since Xanga doesn’t have an -ish site for sports I’ll throw this in.  Chicago Bears wide receiver Devin Hester was pantsed on national TV.  OK that is all, I just thought the ladies may appreciate seeing a bare ass on my blog….eureka…Devin Hester is showing us why he likes playing for the Bares.

There’s already a tribute photo to Levi Johnston’s Playgirl shoot?  I don’t know but I do know that this is Daniel Radcliffe.  I am surprised he was wearing the towel since we all know that Harry Potter likes to display his magic wand.

Guess who is coming to Facebook….COURTNEY LOVE.  It turns out that she got so sick of Twitter that she had to go to Facebook.  She left the privacy of Twitter for the privacy of Facebook.  That means she has spurned Myspace for Twitter and Twitter for Facebook.  What’s next?  Xanga?  Actually that would be quite mind-blowing considering these are some of her early posts on Facebook: IF something happens to me, NO my will is NOT at Greenberg Glusker, that will is FORGERY…i created a new one per lISA FERGUSONs attorney who cannot be FOUND but that needs altering as it has Edward in it and Norton doesn’t have a CLUE how evil his own BM is he wont fuck a future Senator/Film Actor but hell purposfully refinance Kim Cobains Property i bought her cash outright, for the 12th time using a phony address due to some fuck up on some Bogus “ART FORM OF THE CH 13” R TODD used, leavng KIM COBAINS PROPERTY REPOS…SESED< “you have an hour to get your things” wtf did Kim Cobain do to YOU… so its best to never tell let alone kiss and trell i m shcoked at myself i never kiss and tell unless im really mad at an ex for like LOSING 300,000$ of my kid hes supposed to be paternal abouts money, oh yeah Norton just LOST 300k.

No, that is real.  It sort of makes her guest blog on my site look sane.  Actually I wonder if the Rosetta Stone language courses have one for Crackwhore-ese.  Here’s some more: britneys dad molested her , imagine the father that molested you owning you for slavery while your forced to sing songs picked for thier sexual content every night, insane right? i have it on First had authority, and fight as hard as she is and does she still didnt pull that card, its a pride thing i can relate to, However they want to play dirty, lets go, Im SO not affraid of the little trolls who hit this when i was fucked up who are called lawyers. lets GO.

Even though she has that information on First had authority, I think her lawyers at the office of Crack and Pipe are going to be receiving some phone calls.

This was Frances Bean Cobain’s reaction to her mother’s posts on Facebook.

Christina Applegate, breast cancer survivor, turned 38 this week.  You know earlier I said that I disliked implants, I will make an exception in her case and in the case of any survivors of breast cancer.

Angelina Jolie hates President Barack Obama.  Her hatred for him is so deep that it caused problems in her relationship with Brad Pitt who is a huge fan of the President.  There were so many rumors that Brad and Angelina were finished and wouldn’t you know this all went down around the time of the election.  I guess this means Obama is the new Anniston.  I have heard that many lemmings love the president because celebrities adore him.  Now I wonder how many sheep will hate him because they love Angelina Jolie.  It’s possible, Eddie Vedder made me care about the environment.

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post recently ran an article detailing how Anderson Cooper is gay and has a love nest in India.  They went on to say that Anderson is in the glass closet meaning everyone can see that he is gay yet he has made no announcement.  Hmmm how is that fair and balanced journalism?  Murdoch’s media outlets report things that have no basis or reality?  Yeah and if I hear Anne Coulter refer to President Obama as B. Hussein Obama, I’m going to call her A. Cuntsworth Shitty-writer.

OMG THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!  At the AMAs Adam Lambert simulated irrumatio on stage during a performance.  The world collapsed upon itself.  People were outraged.  ABC canceled his performance on their morning show.  Lambert then went over to CBS where they censored the images of him kissing another man.  So Adam gave a one finger shout-out to all his haters.  Take that ABC!  Take that CBS!  Take that USA!  Take that homophobes!  Why must people hate irrumatio?

Amy Winehouse has me very conflicted here.

An inside source said that Britney Spears recently proposed to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.  OH GREAT BRITNEY IS GOING TO BE MARRIED AGAIN!  Wait…he turned her down.  Is he daft?  If he married her, he would be set for life after the divorce.  Sure marrying a pop idol for her money can rob you of your dignity but who needs dignity when you can surround yourself with hookers, booze, gambling, and cheesecake 24/7?  Just look at K-Fed.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and has a great weekend.

I am working on a special post with Cocky.  Stay tuned.  In the mean time enjoy these images, some of which may not be safe for work or life.

I always wanted to shoot that dog.

They almost named them Click and Drag

Where were those books when I was a kid?

But where does casual sex lead you?  OK story time, my second high school didn’t have their first dance until the year I started.  Apparently the reason why school board and the teachers didn’t want the dances was because they feared that dancing would lead to kids doing naughty things after the dance.  I went to a Lutheran school.  Why don’t Lutherans have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.  Hey, only I can say that joke because I am Lutheran, that is my joke, you aren’t allowed to tell it unless you are Lutheran.

That science project is so fresh.  I am surprised he had no one named Jazzy Jeff hanging around trying to mooch a grade off of his project.

Once again I can’t select:  Behold…the Kirstie Alley Feed-O-Matic 3000! -or- Maury Povich has unveiled his new line of express DNA tests.

“Give us this day, our daily white bread.”

“It rubs the lotion on or it gets the finger.”  This is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever posted.

Mrs. Claus divorced Santa shortly after this photo was leaked.

Can anyone name the movie?

Please, don’t taste the rainbow.

Look at this way, she can get motorboated on both stern and bow.

Happy Thanksgiving or as some people and relatives would say Happy Thanks-Taking

I had a strange dream last night.  I was employed by some random university as a special tutor for athletes.  I got the position because I developed a friendship with the school’s volleyball coach and they implemented one of my strategies.  Anyway the coach told me that two of their star players needed help with math and I had to get them to pass.  He handed me the textbook and I was flabbergasted to see that I was holding an 8th grade textbook.  The players couldn’t meet at the school because of some sort of NCAA violations that could be levied against the school so they had to meet at my house.  I tried teaching them but these two extremely attractive girls kept goofing off and playing with my stereo.  I demanded they pay attention.  It worked for a few minutes and then I said that we needed to go to a room where there would be no distractions.  I took them to my bedroom.  Of course we all sat on my bed and they started learning until one of them eyeballed me and leaned over and whispered to the other girl.  They then started laughing at me and saying that I had a “boner”.  It turns out the way I sat made my pants tent.  The girls kept laughing and refused to study.  I was fed up so I stood up and dropped my pants and shook my flaccid penis in their faces and screamed, “DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A BONER?”  They calmed down and did their work and passed the class.  When I was shouting, that was when I was trying to wake myself up.  I never thought it was possible but I embarrassed myself in my dream.

Tuesday night is one of my favorite nights of the week as far as TV is concerned.  3 hours of The Office and Sons of Anarchy…comedy and motorcycle mafia…so awesome.

My cat is back to staring at my jackelope.

Here’s your weekly dose of motivation:

Yes…volleyball but that is not why I coached.  I coached volleyball because…no one else would do it.

So my dad called and asked how to get his VCR to work.  I asked if the power was on…YES…is the TV on channel 3…YES…is the tape rewound…”Oh I didn’t have the tape in, sorry.”

This summer and fall, I reviewed every episode of Freaks and Geeks.  I have been thinking of other things to review but I can’t find a series that offers complete numbers of episodes.  The series I wanted to review were Deadwood or Rome.  I decided that one of my other sources of inspiration came from music.  I had noticed that one other Xangan had posted their favorite albums.  Now it’s time for me to give you some of my favorite albums.

In March of 1973, the English rock band Pink Floyd released Dark Side of the Moon.  The album would soon enter the pantheon of the greatest rock albums of all time and would be subject to a great number of rumors.

Roger Waters, bass player and lyricist, proposed the idea for the album at drummer Nick Mason’s house.  Waters wanted the band to experiment with the album while touring Britain, Japan and the U.S.   He also suggested that album would have one central theme, things that bring about madness.  This would be very easy for the band since they had just witnessed their former lead singer, Syd Barrett, go mad and become institutionalized due to his excessive use of mind altering drugs. 

Roger Waters, Nick Mason, guitarist and primary vocalist David Gilmour, and keyboardist Richard Wright all participated in the writing and production of this album, which in later years of the band would become very rare. This album would contain only two songs that Roger Waters had no part in the creation, Great Gig in the Sky and Any Colour You Like.  These would be the last two songs which Waters had no creative part in the life of the band.  Some of the pieces for the album already existed in songs and lines that were used for film soundtracks.  They compiled all these pieces to make one of the most well known albums in rock history.

One year before the eventual release the members of Pink Floyd played the concept album for a live audience of members of the press.  The band knew they had a hit so they took it with them on the road.  It was well received.  They continued to tinker and change elements of the music before they headed to the studio.  Pink Floyd also made a film in 1972 called Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii.  The film was Pink Floyd performing 6 songs at an ancient Roman amphitheater in Pompeii with no live audience. They also included studio footage of the band creating Dark Side of the Moon.  After the film, the band went to the studio to make this album.

The work was done at Abbey Road Studios, the studio where The Beatles recorded the majority of their albums and singles from 1962 to 1970.  The music engineer was Alan Parsons who gained fame engineering The Beatles’ albums Abbey Road and Let it Be. They worked on the album in various pieces from May of 1972 to January of 1973.  There are various rumors of the recording sessions.  Some have claimed that one day after the band recorded some tracks, they left Alan Parsons to work his magic so they could watch Monty Python’s Flying Circus.  Then it became movie viewing sessions and soon while watching these movies they would play along.  People claim this is the reason for the synchronicity with The Wizard of Oz which I covered in my post entitled Dark Side of the Rainbow.

Dark Side of the Moon is a continuous piece of music.  Each of the songs represents a different stage of life, with the album beginning with a heartbeat and ending with a heartbeat.  The lyrics for this album are so incredible and the band knew this so it was the first album in which the album liner contained the lyrics.

Tracks:
#1  Speak to Me/ Breathe Roger Waters has said that this song “stress the mundane and futile elements of life along with the ever-present threat of madness and the importance of living one’s own life”
#2  On the Run  This song stresses the madness that is associated with modern day travel.  Richard Wright was afraid of flying so if you listen to the sound effects and the synthesizers it will take you to an airport.
#3  Time/Breathe Reprise  This song examines how time can control a person’s life especially when stuck in the mundane aspects and then how one can slip into withdrawal
#4  The Great Gig in the Sky This song is a metaphor for death
#5  Money  This song is probably the most well known.  It is a mockery of greed and consumerism. 
#6  Us and Them  This song deals with ethnocentrism and personal relationships
#7  Any Colour You Like This song is paired with Great Gig in the Sky and is metaphoric for death and it also stresses how people are led to believe that they have choices in life when really they don’t.  The funny thing about this song with Wizard of Oz is that this song is playing when the horse that changes colors is seen in the Emerald City.
#8  Brain Damage  This song looks at the mental illnesses one can receive because of elevated fame and lacking to take care of yourself.  The song basically is a biography of former band member Syd Barrett.  I have a concert video from 1995 called Pulse.  When they played this song, the video screen behind the band showed various world leaders.  I always get a good laugh watching that.
#9  Eclipse  This song forces you to look at the common traits you share with your fellow man

Not counting albums that contain various artists, soundtracks, or compilations, Dark Side of the Moon is one of the best selling albums of all time.  It remained in the Billboard Top 200 for a record 741 consectutive weeks.  DSOTM has also been certified 15x Platinum in 1998 but it continued to sell.  In 2003 a delux and enhanced edition was released and in the first week that sold 800,000 copies in the U.S. alone.  One rumor surrounding the popularity of this album was that the East German government needed money so they persuaded the record company to make a factory somewhere in East Germany that produced nothing but this album.

Dark Side of the Moon has left a vast legacy to the music world.  Modern musicians have been inspired, cover versions have been made, and urban legends have surrounded the album.  It did make the members of Pink Floyd insanely rich.  One could say that without Dark Side of the Moon, Monty Python may have never became that popular since Pink Floyd funded the production of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  Also many rock albums get compared to Dark Side of the Moon especially British rock bands in particularly Radiohead.  Their album OK Computer is constantly compared to DSOTM. 

I think David Gilmour sums it up best: ““It hit a chord, obviously. It still doesn’t sound dated, it still sounds good when I listen to it. But I can’t really say why it should achieve that longevity over some of the other great records which have been out. We always knew that it would sell more than we had sold of anything before, because it was better than anything we had done before-more complete and more focused. A better cover. Every detail was well attended to.”

Nick Mason, David Gilmour, Roger Waters, Richard Wright

Nick Mason, David Gilmour, Richard Wright, Roger Waters

It was a horrible weekend.  I saw no deer.  The Irish lost.  The Badgers lost.  Oh well, I didn’t have to go to Chicago but then the more I think of that, the more I wanted to go although the prospect of hanging out at a hospital or a house babysitting didn’t reel me in.  Oh well, as the state motto says…Forward. 

Our mash-ups for this week:

This mash-up combines Boston’s “More than a Feeling” with “I Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas.  When I first saw this mash-up I figured it wouldn’t work just because Boston is awesome and the Black Eyed Peas are not.  It is actually pulled off quite well.

One part “Thong Song” by Sisqo and one part “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson is mixed together to give you this mash-up.  This is an older bootleg but it has gained popularity in recent months due to Jackson’s death. 

I was apprehensive about post this one but I figured what the hell.  The reason I didn’t want to post it is because it is only one song.  However, it is a mash-up of the one song being performed by three different people.  The song…”Poker Face”.  You get to hear the Lady Gaga version mixed with Eric Cartman from South Park and then Christopher Walken joins in on the mash-up. South Park did an episode in which Rock Band played a prominent role and Cartman did the vocals.  The Christopher Walken version comes from a spoken word performance (think William Shatner’s cover of Rocket Man) on a TV program from the UK.  Honestly, I am loving this song.  I never gave it much earplay when I only heard Lady Gaga singing it but with the addition of Cartman and Walken, “Poker Face” is aces in my book.

Ed Hardy unveiled a new line of outfits.  The outfits are designed to match the clientele.

I hope everyone had a swell weekend.

I am unsure if I will be hunting tomorrow.  I got in sleep this afternoon and this evening just in case.  It is supposed to be rainy.  Maybe I’ll wait to go to the casino when Boys II Men perform later this year.  I know they usually get the ladies all hot and bothered or at least they did when I was in high school.  Another reason I may not go hunting is because my family in Illinois asked my aunt to come down and babysit because the hospital won’t let their child in the hospital area because of H1N1 concerns.  Anyway my aunt here doesn’t like driving in Chicago.  I may not know if I am supposed to drive until tomorrow morning.

Some images may not be safe for work or for life.

Travis Barker, drummer of Blink 182 and a plane crash survivor, celebrated his 34th birthday this week.  I heard he celebrated by getting some more tattoos if that is even possible.  I do hope he looked back and was thankful for surviving that plane crash.

DJ AM was on the same flight as Travis Barker.  DJ AM survived however those close to him say that the pain from his injuries led him back to substance abuse.  Well his family has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the charter plane company.  They believe if the plane had never crashed, DJ AM would have never got back into substance abuse and therefore would not have overdosed.  Before he died DJ AM had filed lawsuits against Goodyear tires(the tires on the plane), Learjet(the type of plane) and the families of the dead pilots.  I think that it is sad that he got back on the drugs but the lawsuits…wow.  Just a word for his family, sue all you will, it won’t bring him back or change anything.

I think this marks Anthony Michael Hall’s first time on the round up.  I just hope the photo doesn’t scare off any readers.  His girlfriend got a restraining order against him because she claims that he beat her after he broke down her apartment door.  He is bipolar and it got so bad that shooting on his TV series, Dead Zone, had to stop because of his bouts.  You know after seeing him in all those John Hughes movies, I would never suspect that of him.  You see Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, and The Breakfast Club and you think you know someone.

RuPaul turned 49 this week.  I would say, “Wow! What a cougar! -or- What a MILF!” but you know…

Rihanna was recently interviewed and said that she doesn’t want to be involved in a relationship at the moment but she still likes to play.  She went on to say that these toys she plays with has to be big because size matters.  Yes, she was talking about penises.  When I hear that phrase “size matters” I get depressed but anyway it makes sense that Rihanna is a size queen because her last boyfriend, Chris Brown, was a gigantic pussy.

Reese Witherspoon recently revealed that she puts her garbage in her neighbors’ trash cans.  She said that she does so because her garbage can is always overflowing and she is also obsessed with people searching through her garbage.  Quite possibly, this is the only thing interesting about Reese.  I can understand not wanting people to go through her trash.  I mean who would want someone finding discarded porn or sex toys or used condoms.  But because it’s overflowing?  Come on, Reese.  You make millions for crap movies and you get royalties for your old movies and we know that every weekend either TBS or TNT airs Legally Blonde.  You’re good for buying a few extra trash cans.

People are saying that Paris Hilton is extremely jealous of the Kardashian family and Paris claims that she made them famous.  She has also been reported to have had major fights with her boyfriend in which she berates him for not being as athletic as the Kardashian girls’ husbands and boyfriends.  Of course they are getting more attention than you, Paris.  We live in a mammocentric society and they have bigger boobs.  Paris, if you really want to gain the attention the Kardashians receive, here’s what you do: make a sextape and release it publicly…oops.

To become a member of Mel Gibson’s private Catholic church, prospective members have to go through security screenings because Mel is so upset with people leaking his business all over the internet.  I guess it is a privilege to pray with Mel.  Maybe instead of going through all the security screenings and paranoia, Mel should just follow that one commandment…which one was it?  Oh yeah “YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY!”

You know, there is nothing I need to write here about Megan Fox other than she is preparing for her future.

Martha Stewart revealed in a Nightline interview that she hates Rachael Ray…basically.  Listen to this: “Well, to me, she professed that she could — cannot bake. She — just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She — and that’s not good enough for me.”  Martha also said that she is writing a new book and in doing so she took a crap on Rachael: a cookbook is “a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone’s library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.”  Martha also describe Rachael as “more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.”  WOW!  THANK YOU, MARTHA STEWART!  Of course if Martha Stewart wants to base a cookbook on her life experiences, I’m expecting it to be called “A Prisoner’s Guide to Healthy Living”.  Oh and I hear Rachael Ray is working on a new book entitled “How to Swallow a Kielbasa Sausage Whole”.  Seriously, she has a huge mouth.

This is Mark Mangino.  He is the head coach of the University of Kansas football team.  He has been accused of verbally and physically abusing his players.  In one instance a player, whose brother was shot, said Mangino threatened to send him back to St. Louis so he could be shot like his brother.  So why am I posting this here?  Well it’s like I am looking into a mirror, a mirror that looks at my future.  Not the yelling but the appearance.  Some people are saying that he is being discriminated against because of his size.

Lindsay Lohan fled a party after an ex-girlfriend of hers and Tila Tequila, Courtenay Semel, begged Lindsay to go to rehab.  Courtenay herself just got out of rehab so she was singing it’s praises.  In Lindsay’s defense, I’d probably run away too if I remembered dating her.

Lil’ Wayne had another child born to him this week.  This is his fourth total child and his second child this year.  He has a twelve year old daughter, a 4 year old, a one month old and the newborn and I believe all the children are with different women.  Ladies, don’t stare too long at Lil’ Wayne, you may wind up pregnant.

Yeah, Kristen Stewart looks stoned as usual.  What the hell is wrong with kids?  “Kristen is the Shiznit”?  Are you fucking serious?  Kristen Stewart couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag.  They were afraid to let her try to act her way out of a plastic bag because she is so mind-numbingly stupid that she would probably smother herseld.  By the way…Twilight…and that is all I will say.

Ken Ober, former host of MTV’s greatest gameshow Remote Control, passed away this week at the age of 52.  Friends said that Ken was complaining of flu-like symptoms and may have had contact with the H1N1 virus.  SCREW YOU, PIG FLU!

Johnny Depp was voted sexiest man.  I feel slighted.  I should have been voted sexiest blogger.  Well I will just quit writing because I need to hurry through this so I can get back to the Russian and German supermodels that are currently napping in my bed after our all day lovemaking session.  Living in reality sucks.

Joe McHale, my hero and mentor, turned 38 this week.  Joel…you are my inspiration and I love all your work…now give me a job.  I’ll accept work on either show.

For some reason there are people out there that still want to see Hulk Hogan wrestle.  The last time I saw him in the WWE, he could barely walk around the ring.  Anyway it appears that he and Ric Flair are setting up a fight for the Metamucil Over 50 World Heavyweight Championship.  This is a true story: back in 2000 in a wrestling league that is now defunct called WCW, they staged a match called a “Viagra on the Pole”.  Apparently a wrestler filmed a sex-tape with a girl and in the video it showed that he suffered from erectile dysfunction.  The point of the match was that there was a bottle of Viagra on top of a pole and the person who got the Viagra first could use it on their opponent…yes, that was the stipulation.  The announcing was god-awful and the match really wasn’t taken seriously.  The bottle of Viagra shattered and one of the competitors ate the pills off the mat.  The referee saw that the guy with ED had the bottle so he was declared the winner.  The loser then swallowed the pills.  No one knew what happened.  The loser was then shown leaving the arena with three women and a very noticeable erection.  Within a few months of this match, WCW no longer existed.  Anyway, how did Hulk get all bloody?  What is commonly done in pro-wrestling is that a wrestler will take small razor blades and have them taped to his wrists or fingers and then when he is laying face first on the ground he will dig the razor into his forehead, not cutting across because that scars and doesn’t produce enough blood.  I can’t wait for some of those guys to get into the nursing homes.  Hell, Verne Gagne, a former pro-wrestler, killed a fellow resident who claimed that pro-wrestling was fake.  the case was dismissed because Verne suffers from severe Alzheimer’s

Remember Fantasia?  She won American Idol.  The last time I wrote about her, she was facing losing her house due to foreclosure, but Simon Cowell stepped in and paid it off.  Well now that things are back on easy street for Fantasia, she decided she needed to find herself a new man.  She did, at a cell phone store.  Her and the salesman hit it off immediately.  The only problem is that the guy is married and has two children.  After two weeks of seeing Fantasia, he left his wife and kids and moved into Fantasia’s Simon Cowell’s house.  Do you notice the tattoo on Fantasia’s chest?  It says “Cook” which is her man’s surname.  At first I thought she was throwing a shout-out to my blog by having “Cock” tattooed on her body.  Man…American Idol really sucks. 

Enrique Iglesias was always rumored to have a small penis.  In fact when he and Anna Kournikova were rumored to have split, people said it was because she didn’t like his lack of bulge.  Anyway this still shot is from a video that was just released but shot a while back.  I think he is overcompensating.  Honestly I don’t believe the rumors to be true because how else could he score Anna Kournikova?  Oh yeah, a seven figure record deal.


Coco posted these photos on her Twitter.  I think she believes that Twitter is her own personal pseudo-porn site.  Oh…thank you, Coco, I have Twitter.  In the first photo, I thought those were vibrators.  Then in the second, that was taken from the twin peaks of Mount Coco…oh I could make a joke about how I’d like to mount Coco….wait…I just did.  Hmmm my fingers are turning blue.

Even after being convicted of beating his ex-girlfriend Rihanna, Chris Brown gets women.  Are they stupid?  Apparently.  I mean Charles Manson still gets women swooning over him so why not a woman beater.  I have finally come to the realization that if you want to get laid, don’t be a humanitarian, get a seven figure record deal.

Vivid Entertainment has told Carrie Prejean that she may as well consent to allow them to release her sex tapes because if not they will release them anyway.  I heard something about this and that they wouldn’t need her consent because the images weren’t taken from her phone or from anything she possessed.  Once again kids, if you’re going to play, the cameras go away.  I think her only career move at this point is porn.  And I have the perfect concept.  Carrie could play an outspoken minister who preaches against gay marriage and when she realizes her words won’t “convert” gay men she uses her body and she would have conversion sessions with multpile men present.  Basically I am just hoping that with multiple dicks in her mouth it would shut her up.

It seems like only yesterday when Brittany Murphy was considered an up and coming star.  It doesn’t look that way now.  A couple weeks ago she was became frantic when she thought she heard gunshots and neighbors had to call the police because she was running around her property screaming.  It turns out that it was a generator that was kicking in.  Here she is kissing her husband and dog.  That is a bizarre threesome.  At least it gives me hope.

Wow!  Britney Spears’ son, Sean, is looking more like his dad, Kevin Federline, every day.  Besides their looks, Sean and K-Fed have a lot in common.  Both are out of work, both love Budweiser and both Sean and K-Fed depend on Britney Spears to stay alive.

Video Section:
And you didn’t believe me about the Viagra on the Pole match

Here’s a fun episode of Remote Control.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Here I am.  Feeling decent.  I finished a book today.  I was reading “Pygmy” by Chuck Palahniuk.  I have read all his works and this for me was the hardest read.  It was written in this broken English because it is taken from the viewpoint of a foreigner.  It had an interesting subject that seemed like it was straight out of one of episodes from the first season of The Simpsons. 
I was talking to my dad today about this weekend.  I am thinking of going out for a little bit for hunting.  I don’t know if I will sit out for the whole day.  It is supposed to be warm for hunting in Wisconsin standards but there is also possibility of rain.  My dad said that even though he hates hunting he would rather be out doing that instead of being at the casino.  He said it was going to be a madhouse on Saturday night.  I asked why because I figure most of the hunters would be so beat and want to get in the woods early on Sunday that they wouldn’t go to the casino.  He told me that they were having a Deer Hunter Widows special and that there was going to be a performance by the Chippendale’s Dancers.  He went on to say that there will be seas of women and he doesn’t like dealing with it because once they see half naked men gyrating on stage they think every man is open to being groped.  Hmmmm maybe I will go to the casino afterall.

1.  Guys, are you going out to a bar or club this weekend?  Here is a handy guide for learning about a girl you may be interested in based on her drink.  Sadly, I know a few of these are true.

2.  Here’s a fun game.  It’s called porn star or potato.  You have to determine whether the picture they show you is either a porn star or a potato.  It’s more difficult than it sounds.

3.  I remember back in high school when a local McDonald’s got a statue of Ronald.  Within two days I started seeing friends posing with the Ronald in provactive ways.  I figured I was alone until I saw this collection of porn photos with statues.  Have you noticed lately I have been writing a bit about porn?  Yeah…things are lonely in my house.

4.  I was sent this email from a member of my church.  He and I had been debating about Thomas Jefferson being a Christian.  I said that it was pretty obvious he wasn’t since he edited his own Bible and took out any mentions of Christ’s divinity or anything remotely paranormal.  Well the guy sent me an email with a link to this site explaining that Thomas Jefferson must be a Christian since he is included in that painting.  And people wonder why I have problems with the church.

5.  Are you a Star Wars fan?  Have you been jealous of Star Trek fans and how they get to speak the language of the Klingons?  Well thanks to two Xangans for bringing this link to my attention(I think I posted it a long time ago but who knows, I drink scotch).  It’s an online translator to turn all your text into the language of the Wookies.  wwhuoaor roworaac!

6.  So a long time ago I posted a link to the website Overheard in New York.  Well this site is much more relevant to me since I live so close.  Overheard in Madison.  Too bad they haven’t included any of the chants from the sporting events…wait they did September 26th.  The recent Badgers game when they were whipping Michigan the student section started to chant “Let’s Get Wasted!”  Oh and the hockey game last weekend I heard a chant of “We want ice cream!”  A local fast food chain has a deal where if the BAdgers hockey teams score 5 goals in a game then everyone with a ticket stub that goes to the restaurant gets a free ice cream…oops frozen custard.  Culver’s rocks!

7.  This is a fun little website that is quite the invasion of privacy.  It’s called FoundPhotos and the webmaster started the site after he started finding people’s personal photos on peer to peer file sharing programs.  Not to get your hopes up, I haven’t found any nudies yet.

8.  I have heard rumors of the existence of this product.  It’s called the Pizza Video.  It’s sort of like those videos or DVDs where they show the fireplace scene.  I guess the video is supposed to make me feel like I am watching a pizza being made in a pizzeria while I eat my Tombstone.

9.  If you have a lot of time on your hands, here’s a site that supposedly has the 50 funniest scenes in movie history.  I don’t get why #7 even made the list.

10.  Here’s a fun new fetish site…Hot Chicks with Fists in their Mouths.   If you can’t figure out what that site is about then you have issues.

11.  Sesame Street has been on the air for 40 years.  Over that time there have been plenty of muppets that have come and went.  Here are 9 muppets that were evicted from Sesame Street.

12.  I mentioned Star Wars earlier…well this is how a Star Wars fan deals with a break up.  Honestly, I give the dude props because that is such a great allusion.

13.  This list examines the 10 worst marriages in cartoon history.  I love their assessment of the #10 couple.

14.  Do you need reasons to stop eating at McDonald’s?  Well take a look at what their Big Mac Wrap looks like.  Since McDonald’s is getting all hip and getting rid of the statues I have no more reasons to go there.

15.  Are you planning on getting into some mischief this weekend?  Well here are 25 reasons why you should wear condoms.

Hamburglar, when will you learn not to steal?

You can learn a lot from watching porn.  Here are just a few observations that I have made over the years.  These may not be applicable to real life.

1.  Women wear high heels to bed.
2.  Men are never impotent, no matter their age.
3.  When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4.  If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but will insist he has sex with her.
5.  Women smile appreciatively when males splat them in the face.
6.  Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle aged men.
7.  Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral.
8.  Women always have an orgasm at the same time as a man.
9.  A blow job always gets a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10.  All women are loud in bed.
11.  Back in the 1970s, people couldn’t have sex without a wild guitar solo in the background.
12.  All breasts are real.
13.  A regular and enjoyable sexual practice is when a man takes his half-erect penis and slaps a woman in the face with it.
14.  When a man has an orgasm, he will always say, “Oh yeah!”
15.  If there are two men having relations with a female, they most certainly always high-five each other and the woman is never offended.
16.  Double penetration makes women smile.
17.  For some reason Asian men do not exist.
18.  If you happen across a couple having sex in the bushes, the male will not tell you to get lost but will insist that his girl’s mouth is ready.
19.  There’s plot.
20.  Slapping a woman on the butt is always excitable for the woman involved.
21.  Besides giving medicine, nurses give other jobs to male patients.
22.  Men always pull out.
23.  When your girlfriend catches you in bed with her best friend, she won’t be angry, but will join you in the festivities.
24.  Headaches do not exist.
25.  When receiving oral pleasure from a woman, men it is pertinent that you remind them to “suck it”.
26.  Everything is always clean.
27.  Men ejaculating all over a woman’s body is a satisfying result for all parties involved.
28.  Women are always surprised when opening a man’s pants to find out that he has a penis.
29.  Men never have to beg.
30.  Pigtails=handlebars.
31.  Hitch-hiking is glamorous and always results in sex.
32.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen are the greatest jobs a man could wish for.
33.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen always have sex when they deliver or make house calls.
34.  All food in porn movies is nothing more than another sex toy.

Here are some that were submitted by Xanga users.  I didn’t include their names because I didn’t know if I had permission to repost them.
35.  Women enjoy getting slapped with penises
36.  All lesbians are “girly”
37.  All lesbians carry bags filled with sex toys
38.  All stockings are crotchless
39.  Baby oil and saliva are acceptable lubricants
40.  All women are hairless
41.  Playing with globs of saliva is sexy

42.  All women are ready to jump in the sack with anyone at anytime.
43.  Big penises make up for lack of personality
44.  Normal penis size is 12” and anything less is unacceptable
45.  Ron Jeremy and John Holmes are somehow sexy and appealing to women
46.  The majority of female porn stars are rail thin, fake tanned, with humongous boobs. 

47.  If there is more than one woman in the scene they will inevitably get it on while the guy enjoys. But if there is more than one guy in a scene they NEVER get it on while the girl enjoys.

48.  Females have an infinite amount of spittle.

If there are any observations that you have, please share.

I had so many things to say last night but I was exhausted.  I went to the doctor yesterday and apparently they no longer think I have leukemia or lymphoma.  The last time I went I had my mom with me and when he read the results from my blood test she turned white and started to hold back tears because of how bad my numbers were.  That’s reassuring.  Anyway further tests reveal I don’t have it.  I think I am just going to blow off anything for the future because last year after seeing specialist after specialist they couldn’t agree on anything and I seemingly got better.  It’s just that waking up and having blood coming from 4 of the main exits on my body is disconcerting. 

So last night I noticed that I was getting an abnormally large number of footprints here on Xanga so I went to check it out.  Someone with a large amount of followers posted a link to my page.  It was of one of my videos, the Conan O’Brien Old Timey baseball video.  This is the second time that video gained me a large amount of traffic.  For some reason all these sports forums posted a link.  One was from the California Angels, another was a hockey forum, and then there was another hockey form tht was in some moon man language.  Oh also The AV Club section of The Onion linked to the video.  All of those I think were during Conan O’Brien’s last days in the slot after Jay Leno although technically he is still “after” Jay Leno.  Please, NBC, no more Jay Leno. 

Here’s your weakly dose….yes, weakly dose of motivation

And you’ll be pleased to know that this is the last of the motivation I received via email.  That means next week we will go back to random nonsense motivation posters.  Oh and it also means that I need to get a special post for those who aren’t attracted to the female form.

Awesome!  I was just invited to join one of those facebook pages that say “1,000,000 Strong for…” well this was the first group I have seen that had over 1,000,000 members.

Does anyone out there remember Zwan?  Have a good day.