Sorry I didn't post this last night.  I think my body got the best of my insomniac ways and made me crash last night.  I sat down to watch some basketball at 8:30PM and I was probably out as soon as I sat down.  The next thing I know it's 2:30.  I look around in disbelief and shut off my lights and TV and go back to my recliner to sleep.  I had some strange dreams that involved me being drugged by a Satanic cult and fighting said cult with the help of a local dentist.  We had our own theme music.  I was going to go shopping today but my cats are having strange reactions to their vaccines so I stayed home to make sure they were alright.  Oh well, for every one item I buy for someone else I'd probably buy two for me.  Anyway I put up decorations but then I stopped to lay down and pet a cat and the next thing I know 2 hours have passed.  Maybe I am narcoleptic.

Some images may not be safe for work or for life.  And remember the secret word for the day is "jerked".  When you hear the secret word of the day, I want you to scream real loud.

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO!  Here we see Carmen SanDiego Victoria Beckham scoping out her next big heist.   My informants said she was trying to steal the Great Wall of China with a crane.  I better get a warrant from the chief.  How can she escape the gumshoes in those heels?  God I am such a nerd.

VH-1 has announced their next dating show.  It's called "Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair".  Oh it looks like they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for this show.  That being said...I will probably watch the hell out of that show.  There is just something about this For the Love of Ray J that I find unappealing.  Maybe it is because none of the cast look like they have lived at a bus station or gained a nickname "Crusty" because of all the bodily fluid stains on a sweater she wore every night when going to the casino to turn tricks.  Here's the website with photos of the contestants.  My money is on the girl with the kefiyah.  Why do most of those girls look like Jersey Shore rejects?

Uma Thurman split with her billionaire fiance.  The reason was her children.  See he is from Switzerland and her kids live in New York City and she couldn't be that far apart from them.  So this is my first Christmas present.  He supposedly gave her an 8 carat diamond engagement ring.  When Uma gets with me, her and I are heading to the pawn shop to see how much we can get for it.

Sometimes I think that Tom Cruise is living vicariously through Suri.  You know he wants to dress up like that and dance the paso doble.  Either that or he treats her like a princess because he thinks she is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.  Hmmm people have actually said he thinks that but I want to one day find photos of Cruise dressed as a senorita...Dear Santa...

Lesbian Love Triangle...those three words made every male's ears perk up.  Tila Tequila made an announcement via Twitter that she had a big surprise on her blog.  The surprise was that she was engaged to Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson company.  I was going to include a story about Casey last week but even I found it too vile.  She broke up with some girl and snuck into her house and did naughty things with the girl's battery operated boyfriend.  Anyway this engagement story is being called a sham by Courtenay Shemel, Tila and Casey's ex.  She claims this is nothing more than a publicity stunt.  The words "publicity stunt" and Tila Tequila do NOT mix.  Tila said yes to a winner Courtenay claims that Casey is broke and lost custody of her adopted daughter.  Tila and Casey plan on getting married in Massachusetts.  Here comes MTV's next reality series.

You know, I'm giving up with Tiger Woods.  All I'm going to say is that guys, if you and your significant other went to a PGA event or even watched golf, you better ask if she slept with Tiger because Tiger didn't believe in covering his club before he putted.

Tiger, this is your wife.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  If you don't want her, well I'm available but of course she'll have to give up the notion of eating at world class restaurants and settle for Ramen and Kool Aide.

Rivers Cuomo suffered minor injuries after the Weezer tour bus hit ice and slid off the road.  He suffered 3 cracked ribs and bruises and abrasions to his leg.  Thankfully no one else was hurt and that includes his wife and 2 year old daughter.  Weezer has canceled their tour so Rivers can recuperate.  Get well, Rivers.  No, I don't believe in the GodfatherofGreenBay curse.  Just because I write a curse about his album Pinkerton and a few days later he has this accident doesn't mean I am cursed.  Maybe just in case I will write about a person on Xanga, the first person that I have came to dislike and find nothing good in them.  Oh and I plan on blocking her and all her friends tomorrow.

Paul Reubens or as he'll forever be known, Pee Wee Herman, public masturbator, is returning to his character and will be doing stage shows.  The stage show will be based on the old show Pee Wee's Playhouse and will include several of the actors who were on the original series.  I wonder if Laurence Fishburne will leave his role on CSI to reprise Cowboy Curtis.  Pee Wee also plans on making a movie eventually.  Honestly, who cares if he exposed lil' Pee Wee.  Let he who has not jerked (AHAHAHBHAHAHAHHAHAHWHHAHSHAHAHAH...the secret word of the day) it, cast the first stone.

I am not sure why Pamela Anderson needs The Big Penis Book in her library, which is conveniently located next to her toilet.  If she wants to enjoy a big penis then she should just open up her family photo albums or home videos.  And you thought I was going to make a comment about her coming to see me....no, there are no books dedicated to me.

Poor Pam...she owes nearly $2million in back taxes.  In 1990, Pamela could have auctioned off a beej for that much money.  Now it would take about 8 million beejs to get that much money.  Unlike all the other money she has acquired over her career, Pamela may have to earn this amount.

Oh Olivia Mun...words are not needed.

Merry Christmas!  Happy Birthday, Jesus!  Miley wore this ensemble for a Christmas party.  And people wonder why our children are oversexed these days.  Later after this party, Miley and her teen pals tried getting into a 21+ nightclub.  The owner, manager and doorman would not let them in.  They probably didn't want Miley in there doing lines of coke in the public bathroom.  KIDDING!  We all know that Miley refuses to use public bathrooms.  That's so gross.

Miley will not be joining the Rock of Love Bus cast.  She's only 17.  She is collaborating with Bret Michaels on doing a cover of "Every Rose has a Thorn".  Hmmm Miley is going to sing "Every Rose has a Thorn"?  That's fitting since most of her songs sound like thorns are scraping the insides of my ears.  Oh and Bret Michaels will just wait this year out.

Mickey Rourke is marrying a Russian supermodel in Russia in the upcoming months.  I guess that's pretty common when ordering mail order brides from a catalog.  The reason why he is going to Russia to marry her is because he always wanted a 100 proo vodka wedding cake.  Who can blame him?  When I get married I want a champagne fountain but instead of champagne I want scotch or brandy or Jaegermeister.

OK here's a shot from the Levi Johnston Playgirl shoot that didn't make the cut.  You know he is overcompensating by using the hockey gloves.  Oh the lengths I will go to please my female readers.  Ha...lengths.

Lady Gaga met the Queen of England.  Seriously, that is what she wore?  What the hell?  Can't the Queen have her locked up and tortured in the Tower of London?  Please.

Kendra Wilkinson and her husband Hank Baskett welcomed a baby boy into the world this week.  They named their son Hank Baskett IV.  Wow, Kendra proved me wrong.  Here I was expecting her to name her son Bubbles or Hugh Jr.  I know I've expressed my concern about her taking care of a baby.  Even though her baby has a slightly higher IQ than her, she has experience changing diapers and wiping up drool after dating Hugh Hefner all those years.  She's used to mother so don't worry.

Katy Perry posted this photo on Twitter.  I am trying to translate the message she is trying to convey here.  Is it "the spirit of Christmas"?  How about "being with family at the holidays is important"?  Quite possibly it could be a way of retelling the account of the birth of Christ.  No, I got it!  It's "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"  Yes, I'm looking.

I am starting to warm up to Katherine Heigl.  She and her foundation saved 25 Chihuahuas this week.  Apparently since this recession hit and since Chihuahuas in side purses have gone out of style, animal shelters are filled with them.  You know, that was a nice act.  Maybe she should receive the next Nobel Peace Prize.

While promoting Public Enemies in Japan, Johnny Depp admitted that he doesn't watch his own movies.  He did say that he heard good things about Public Enemies.  I can't wait to get the DVD so I can see all the places where they filmed.  A few scenes were filmed in my stomping grounds.  After the premiere Johnny Depp is set to work with Tim Burton on a big screen adaptation of Dark Shadows...OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  That is a tv show worth giving the film treatment.  Screw Twilight, Barnabas Collins will kick their sparkly asses.

John Malkovich turned 56 this week.  Hopefully that jacket will live on through the ages.  I need to go to my local tailor to find one for myself.

Jessica Simpson is supposedly dating Billy Corgan.  Maybe now the Dallas Cowboys will win.  Hopefully it doesn't ruin Billy's career.  People claim that Jessica goes through a lot of guys.  She does fall in love with people quickly but truth be told, you could probably place a rock next to her and she would fall in love with it.

Here's a little eye candy for the ladies.  Cristiano Renaldo tore his shirt off in a soccer match when he was given a yellow card.  I wonder what he does when he scores a goal.

Coco's understated elegance is a reflection of her inner beauty and should serve as an example to young women world wide...that is a sentence that will never be said about Coco.  Damn, I should write that down so I can say that to any girl that wants to put up with me for more than 15 minutes.

You know, Christina Hendriks from Mad Men is a very talented  boobs boobs boobs boobs BOOBS!

Come on ladies, you know you want Carrot Top with his painted on eyebrows and clip on tie with t-shirt.

Bruce Springsteen is urging people in New Jersey to get their lawmakers to vote for marriage equal for gays.  You know, New Jersey ought to pass a marriage equality bill as a way to apologize for Jersey Shore.  Why is Bruce Springsteen behind this?  Well, he's The Boss and what The Boss says, goes. 

Bai Ling sure knows how to wear a sweater, if that is what you call that article of clothing.  I wonder if she is cold.

Adrienne Curry posted these photos via Twitter.  She said that she likes to play World of Warcraft in the nude.  If that is the case then maybe I will join.  She just does it to drive all those 13 year old boys crazy.  Hmm I guess the people of World of Warcraft wouldn't let me join because the world doesn't need me playing in the nude.  Thank god, Xanga lets me blog in the nude.  Oh and that blue thing...is that what I think it is?  If so, that is very hot.

Britney Spears may soon be getting her independence.  She will be take control of her career and money from her father.  If that happens you can be guaranteed of two things:  any story of her in the Round Up will be able to write itself and I have always wanted to see a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower made completely out of Cheetos and empty Starbucks cups.    Here it looks like Britney is getting her career back on track by auditioning for a 1980s hair metal video.

Speaking of auditions, it looks like Britney is trying out for Spiderman 4.  No word on whether she was auditioning for the role of Spiderman or the web with which he entraps his enemies.

Video Section
My long lost twin brother appear on Der Supertalent...Germany's version of America's Got Talent.  Why yes, we both look like fat George Costanzas and we both dig the disco scene.

I know I said I gave up on Tiger Woods but I have obtained an advanced copy of his sex tape.

EMBED-Leaked Tiger Woods Mistress Sex Tape - Watch more free videos
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  I don't want to be an old man anymore, it's been a year or two since I was out on the floor shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night, it's time I got back to the good life.

It's time for another week's worth of links.  I don't have much to say here since it is so cold and it is chilling me to the bone.  According to my thermometer it is 2F but feels like -13F.  For those of you who don't have the Fahrenheit that's -16C and -25C.  Hmmm Fahrenheit sounds warmer.

#1.  So now that it is winter, I'm really missing summer and I am definitely missing the 21 things featured on this website....probably not safe for work...Although there are those winter festivals up here where the girls go wild and suffer from frostbite and who can forget the Lambeau Field Bikini Girls...I'll be OK...maybe I will have to work on that pictorial of the Girls of Xanga.

#2.  I went to this website and I wasn't able to sleep for a week.  The images were seared into my memory.  It's the results from a photoshop contest to place Gary Busey in every famous photo.

#3.  You know most stars don't become movie stars overnight.  Usually they have bit roles before they come big.  Here is a list of 10 strange debuts of major movie stars.  A few of those movies are great and I had to re-watch them just to see those stars.

#4.  Thanks to B-Money for sending this my way.  It describes a lawsuit by a guy against an underwear company.  I couldn't make it through without laughing.  The funny thing is I knew a guy like that but I think he was more extreme.  He thought even touching it was wrong so he wouldn't touch it to go to the bathroom.

#5.  KNOW YOUR WISCONSIN STATE HISTORY!  I didn't make it to Madison today to put the flowers in Lake Monona.

#6.  You know how LOLcatz allows people to make their own captions for photos?  Well sometimes those captions make no sense.  Someone started their own website called Unrelated Captions.  I love that site.

#7.  Have you ever wondered how many people are currently in outer-space?  Well this website tells you the exact number at any given time.

#8.  I've noticed that people share webcomics on Xanga quite frequently.  Well I have shown you Garfield minus Garfield and the Lost in Translation Garfield.  Now I present Garfield as Garfield. It replaces Garfield the cat with Garfield the President.

#9.  Since we're strolling down memory lane, I once presented Look at this Fucking Hipster.  Now enjoy Look at this Fucking Teabagger...no it's not the teabagging that I usually talk about.  It's the teabagging that people took upon themselves without knowing anything of the sexual connations and proudly said they liked to teabag. 

#10.  Here are 10 Foods that never caught on...thank god.  I can only remember one of those items, the Funky Fries.  My mom bought those because for some reason she was nuts for them. 

#11. And while we are on the food theme, here is a list of foods named after people.  You know reading about the Graham Cracker and also about Corn Flakes, it's amazing how many foods that I enjoy were created to keep people from having impure thoughts and their hands off their naughty bits.  They never tested the products on me.

#12.  A while back I posted a link to Omegle, the one on one chat site to talk with complete strangers.  A lot of people go there for pranks and others go there for cyber sex.  Well here is a combination of the two.  It is one of the best pranks ever.  The Rick Roll will never die.

#13.  Are you planning a Christmas vacation?  Why not try beautiful Mogadishu?  Here is a wonderful travel guide.  If you do go and want to get me a souvenir, I would love an AK47.

#14.  I enjoy the comic books.  A while back I enjoyed making fun of the crappy covers and stories of comic books.  Well I decided to stop making fun of them for this link.  It's a link to the scariest villians in comic book history.  It's fitting that The Joker made #1.  I just want you to know this isn't based on The Dark Knight or Jack Nicholson's performance.

#15.  I enjoy news bloopers and here are some of the best.

OK here are some photos of a snowstorm but not the last snowstorm.  It got so cold outside so quickly that I was afraid to take my camera outdoors.

This is a view from my driveway.  That it the town library.

This is looking toward the gas station and mechanic's at the bottom of my driveway.

This is looking the other direction at the bottom of my driveway.

My car covered in snow.

I don't pick all my apples because I leave something for the birds to pick at.

That was a storm of about 16 inches of snow just like this week.

Why am I posting at 4:30AM?  Well the snow, it's so peaceful.  I was watching it and reading and about 8PM I collapse and fall asleep.  I wake up around 10 and felt groggy and then I had this scare that maybe with all the snow my vents on the furnace were covered so I was getting carbon monoxide poisoning.  I go outside and shovel around the area but it was nowhere near being covered, I was just tired.  I came back in and went back to sleep.  I wake up at 3AM because my cats are crawling all over me.  I think there is about 10 inches of snow on the ground now.  The plows aren't out and I've noticed most all the schools in the area are closed.  I think this means I get to work on my Festivus list of grievances.   Truly another Festivus miracle.  Happy Festivus, for the rest of us.

A wise man does not need advice and a fool won’t take it.

I am thinking of starting a new band.  It's going to be a tribute band to Creedance Clearwater Revival.  I think people should be made aware of that band's contributions to the world of rock music.  The pending name of my band is Creedance Clearwater Revival Revival...CCRR.

The Cialis ad says to call a doctor. if you lose your hearing or sight. Well, with the women I have sex with, that might be a plus.

What goes up, must go down. That's why I toss my dates in the air. And if it wasn't meant to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they're a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

Benjamin Franklin said "a penny saved is a penny earned" and that's why he's on the 10,000 penny bill.

I believe that eating your own boogers has to be some form of cannibalism.

I'm ½ rapper and ½ artist. I guess that makes me a rapist.

Motivation:

I am getting reports of a major snowball fight transpiring at the University of Wisconsin but the news agencies in Madison can't report it because they have no 4WD vehicles.  Here's where I step in and offer my services.  THE PEOPLE MUST HAVE NEWS!  THE FOURTH ESTATE WILL NEVER PERISH!

If at first you don’t succeed, go to 2nd base

It's been a long day after a long night.  The Badgers won quite handily over Hawaii last night/Sunday morning.  I don't get the reasoning behind having a night game in Hawaii.  Anyway, great game and now they have Miami.  I am not too concerned...well I am because it's basically a home game for Miami but then they are from the most overrated football conference in the college ranks.  Music time.

This one is "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye vs. "Where is My Mind" by The Pixies.  I really enjoy this one but then I love Gaye's work.  I also am quite fond of The Pixies.  My dad once told that if it wasn't for Marvin Gaye, I may not be on this earth.  Creepy. 

I know I have been giving the music track for this mash-up quite a bit of attention as of late but it is so easy to mash.  It's "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga mashed with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.  I had my doubts but after listening to it a couple times I have to admit it's a great tune.  Poor Kurt.

OK I like this one, it's got a break-beat type thing going for it but I have no clue where the vocals are from other than it is a Snoop Dogg song.  The music is of course "Thriller" by Michael Jackson.

I was asked to post some photos of my cats so here they are:

You can't see here from the front but that is my cat Lua. She is sitting on my computer and is staring at my jackelope.  Oh and there's your proof that jackelopes exist.

There are Lua and Kiki.  Kiki stuck her tongue out at me.  That is an old computer chair but I kept in my den because the cats sleep next to me while I am on Xanga.

Kiki fell asleep with her mouth open one night.  I will have to get more of the progression but that is the final shot.

She is very protective of a toy cigar that I gave them.

Don't let Lua's "cute" exterior fool you.  She is pure evil, just look at her goatee.

Here are some video mash-ups involving one of my favorite songs.


Oh and a few people have brought back the "ask me anything" posts.  Well I usually don't ask because there isn't any anonymity when it comes to Xanga so in case anyone wants to ask me an anonymous question you can go to this site or here: http://www.formspring.com/forms/?762995-80CBWT9JsX.

And in case you missed it, I wrote a post in response to all these post titled "Why Girls are Hot" and "Why Men are Hot".  My post is called "Why Generalizations are Hot". 

 If all guys are hot and I am a guy because I have a penis, that means I am hot.  I have never been called hot before.  Being called hot is like a gift for me and since it is Christmas time and since Santa gives gifts, there must be a Santa Claus.

It snowed last night; not a lot maybe just an inch.  It made my back yard look like a bunch of crumbled Oreos.  This evening I watched the last episode of Monk and finished up a book called TTFN the sequel to TTYL.  Yes, they are teen books, extremely controversial teen books.  I found TTYL at a banned book sale last year and then I found TTFN at my library.  I thought TTFN was worse as far as subject matter is concerned.  Anyway in that book they mention Xanga and how a bunch of kids got suspended for posting photos of getting drunk.  Strangely, according to Xanga's Wikipedia entry, that has happened quite frequently.

Some images may not be safe for work or for life.

Remember last week when I mentioned that Kim Kardashian announced that she met her goal?  Well she finally said what her goal was.  She finally got down to her weight from freshmen year of high school, 109lbs.  That got me thinking if I were to reach that weight...I'd still be fat.  Oh and Kim's next goal?  Finishing freshmen year of high school.

So I don't know if any of you heard this but Tiger Woods got into a car accident last week.  Then it turns out he was also cheating on his wife.  WOW!  Apparently the next day a friend of Tiger's told some people that Tiger called him and said he had to go buy the "Kobe Special".  If you don't remember, Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual assault with a woman who wasn't his wife.  Well he was acquitted but he ended up buying his wife a huge ring.  Tiger said he was planning to go to Zales.  WHAT?  He didn't go to Jared?(god I hate those commercials)  He went to Zales because Zales is the finest of all the mall jewelery stores.  Well Tiger did admit to "transgressions" and it all started to avalanche.  The latest count of women coming forward to say they were with Tiger since his marriage has been three.  One of those women said Tiger had a weird sexual habit.  He liked to scream "It's in the hole!  It's in the hole!"  Wait...I made that up but given the media circus this has become it's not out of the realm of possibility.

UHOH!  Serena Williams had a wardrobe malfunction  I wonder if that "outburst" will get her fined. 

Oh crap, Paris Hilton is the new Mrs. Claus.  Sorry, kids, Santa Claus has herpes and many STIs so Christmas is officially canceled but thankfully you can still celebrate Hanukkah.

I give Padma Lakshmi a tough time.  I criticize her for trying to sound like she knows what she is talking about on Top Chef but this week she said something profound.  She said that she loves to be naked and that clothes are adjectives and being naked is so much better because it makes you raw.  Oh Padma...even though you are not an American, you are an American Hero.  We just need more proof of your commitment to this nakedness...here, here, here(is she Christian?), here, here, here, here, and here!  Oh...I really have a thing for naked ladies.

A while back Oprah announced that next year will be the last year of her talkshow.  There has been much speculation as to what she will do after her show is up.  Many are suggesting that she is going to move her show to her future network the Oprah Winfrey Network.  That isn't the case, her friend Gayle is getting the talkshow on that network.  In the mean time, before Gayle's debut, Oprah is going to move Gayle into her 42 acre estate, The Promised Land, in California.  Wow, with all the lesbian rumors circling, I'm surprised she is moving her "friend" in with her.  Of course the rumors would be even greater if Oprah had named her estate the name she intended, The Beaver Den.

Do I really need to say anything other than Olivia Munn?

Oh Nick Nolte...you're such a snazzy dresser.  I wonder how much money it would take me to look like the A-lister Nick Nolte.  I would hop into the Way-Back Machine to go to 1923 to steal that hat from a paperboy, the shirt looks like it is a roll of wax paper so what $3, the pants look like Walmart brand so $3, and the shoes look like empty Kleenex boxes painted with a Sharpie which would cost $1.  So to look like an A-list celebrity it would cost $7.  How's that for looking hot in a horrible economy?

OMG WHAT A DOUCHE!  Nick Hogan was in a minor car accident this week.  HE STILL HAS A LICENSE?  I guess it's OK that he still can drive, I mean he didn't kill anyone but he just left a passenger in a permanent vegetative state.

I really can't make a joke about Miley Cyrus in this picture although when I first heard Miley was in there it was like a game of Where's Waldo.  Anyway the other Miley news, well I just didn't feel comfortable posting the photo.  A paparazzi caught a snapshot of Miley in a bikini and it turns out that Miley has a tattoo underneath her breast.  It says "Just Breathe".  Hey, I thought you had to be 18 to get a tattoo.  I wonder if the "she has to be legal because she has a tattoo" defense will stand up in court of with Chris Hansen.

Despite being married three times and being in one of the greatest TV marriages, Meredith Baxter Birney announced that she is a lesbian.  Hmmm I guess that means she is a great actress.  If there was anyone in the Keaton family that I would guess would be lesbian it would be Jennifer Keaton....sha-la-la-laaaaa...god I am such a nerd.

Wow, Celebrity Fit Club is working nicely for Kevin Federline.  He looks quite trim.  Too bad his kids won't be able to celebrate Christmas now that he's lost his job as a mall Santa.

You know, Jessica Simpson has taken a lot of crap for her weight.  I think she looks stunning.  Maybe I am just saying that because I know her career is in the crapper.  Her movie that was released straight to DVD had it's name changed for airing on TBS and to make matters worse it aired at 2AM.  Oh hell...I'd love to play with those disco balls.

Maybe the Subway diet doesn't work after all either that or Jared Fogele has been extensively testing Subway's new footlong Chocolate Brownie and Cream Cheese Frosting on Honey Oat bread sub.  You know, I haven't noticed him in many of those commercials lately so...welcome back to the dark side Jared.

Hulk Hogan recently announced that he was going to marry his girlfriend that looks like his daughter.  My question to you: which one is his soon to be wife and which one is his daughter?

I usually put girls on blast(I love that saying "put on blast") for sending nude pics to their significant others.  You usually don't hear about guys getting in trouble doing that.  Well, major league baseball player Grady Sizemore got in a pickle by displaying his pickle for his girlfriend, former Playboy playmate Brittany Binger.  Although he didn't really pose nude, the photos were sexually charged.  And because I love my female readers so much, here's a link to the only website that hasn't taken the pics down.  His girlfriend claims that someone hacked her email and stole the photos.  Grady cried foul and MLB stepped in and started throwing around threats of lawsuits.  The photos wound up first appearing on a site called Guys with iPhones.  Really, who is Grady trying to impress?  Oh and for my female readers, since I won't show my naked bits, here's why I included that douchebag iPhone photo, Guys with iPhones.

Evan Rachel Wood is back dating Marilyn Manson despite him murdering and tearing apart a corpse that resembled her and referring to her as swine.  That guy has got to be the luckiest guy on the planet.  He also dated Dita Von Teese.  What do these women see in him?  He must be some sort of warlock and have them under a spell either that or he has a massive...bank account.  Oh and if someone would explain to me the devil's arthimetic women use to figure out a man's penis size.  I was talking to a nurse and she turned bright red when I told her my shoe size and height.  I don't get it.

The Thanksgiving break was not good for the Hasselhoff children.  EMTs were called to David's house because he was having seizures.  It turns out this medicine he takes to control seizures does not mix well with booze.  His ex-wife, Katherine Bach, was arrested for DUI over the vacation as well.  So I guess the Hasselhoff children have to look on the bright side; they have great Christmas gift ideas.  They can buy David a home stomach pump and Katherine a fashionable monitoring ankle bracelet.

Courtney Love celebrated a traditional Thanksgiving.  She and her band went to a nightclub to drink.  DJ Qualls was sitting next to Courtney and he introduced himself to her.  Courtney being so neighborly asked him to sit in their booth and then she started making out with him.  After they exchanged bodily fluids, Courtney, her band, and her new found love went to a strip club.  The rest was a haze for DJ.  He did wake up in a dumpster with a bad rash...Courtney Love's business card.

Billy Idol turned 54 this week and quite frankly I am shocked.  I just hope he had a great birthday and didn't spend it dancing with himself.

A while back I reported that Anthony Michael Hall got a restraining order from his girlfriend because he beat her.  Turns out that he is off his medicine that controls his bi-polar disorder and when he went to his girlfriend's house he knocked her around a bit and then he bit her in the forehead.  He must have been thinking he was up for an audition to be the new McGruff so he had to take a bite out of crime.  The strange thing is that the case is no longer under investigation.  Those cops must be fans of Weird Science or they are getting the Dog Whisperer to teach Anthony not to bite.

Alec Baldwin recently proclaimed that his film career is a failure.  Yes, that makes me feel good about myself.  Of course it's a failure, Alec, I can't name a single movie you made besides Beetlejuice...actually I am just joking.

Britney Spears turned 28 this week and quite frankly I am shocked.  I pegged her for joining the 27 Forever Club.  Britney, you lost me a lot of money by making it to 28.  Man, 28, she seems so ancient.

Video Section:
A video surfaced this week of Marilyn Monroe smoking weed.  I guess Some Like it Green...lame I know it was either that or All About Weed, Gentlemen Prefer Bongs, Lets Make it Legal, or The Seven Year Toke.

Pete Doherty nearly caused an international incident by performing a Nazi anthem at a concert in Germany.  Does he have no brain?  Wait, he does but it is fried from all the crack and heroin.  It doesn't happen until the near end.  All I know is that you don't piss off Germans.

Jesse Ventura got pissed on the Opie and Anthony Show.  We need Jesse to be back in major office except he needs to drop the Truth Movement.

I hope everyone has an excellent weekend.

This week I saw that Mancouch had a post titled My Five Favorite Comedians.  I was hopeful that maybe, just maybe that website could make a decent post.  I shouldn't have got my hopes up.  One of the "comedians" was merely a character on a TV show and then two others they based on their movie work.  To me a comedian is someone who does stand-up and NOT merely a character in a movie.  A comedian is someone who performs live.  Anyway, since I posted about my least favorite comedians(most of which probably fuel masturbatory fantasies over there at mancouch) and since Newsweek just posted about the 12 comedians who aren't funny, I thought I would finally get around listing some of my favorites.  There is no order here.

Rodney Dangerfield

What can be said about Rodney?  Nothing really...even in death he gets no respect.  I guess I love his humor so much that it has rubbed off on me in a wrong way.  He comedy was very self-depricating and it spanned topics from his birth to school to married life.  His material may not have been believable, but you laughed at it.  Rodney didn't like wearing clothes and he sometimes would perform in nothing but a bathrobe.  My dad said that he saw Rodney perform in L.A. once upon a time and said, "He has the biggest balls in show biz."  I hope he meant that by performing in a bathrobe he was going against the establishment.  Rodney also gave so many popular comedians their break by letting them appear in his clubs some of those comedians are: Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Roseanne Barr, Jeff Foxworthy(I may not like him but he is relatively popular), Tim Allen, Sam Kinison, Rita Rudner, Andrew Dice Clay, and Bob Saget.  One of my favorite Dangerfield quotes: "One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control."  And how many people on that mancouch list could pull off a Triple Lindy?

Bill Scheft

I wonder how many of you have heard of this guy.  I guarantee most of you have heard a Bill Scheft joke at one point in your life or at least between the years 1991 until present.  He is the head writer for the David Letterman show.  He has also written humor articles for Sports Illustrated.  He's written numerous books, a couple of which are in treatment for films.  I tried to stay away from the late night talk show hosts because most of their jokes are written by someone else and Letterman's someone else is Bill Scheft.

Sunda Croonquist

Sunda is a comedian who will have you arrested if you don't laugh at her jokes.  Originally she was a police detective and when not keeping the streets safe she took acting classes.  Jackie Mason told her to persue stand-up.  Sunda has an African American mother and a Swedish father so the jokes come naturally for her.  Here's part of her act: "And there is a lot to laugh at because when you’re a Swedish and Black Jew, growing up looking like a Puerto Rican and your mother gives you a Hindu name and sends you to an Irish Catholic School….you’re bound to be funny. But of course the funny doesn’t stop there…..being married to an attorney with an overbearing Jewish mother in law and two precocious daughters under six makes this comedian different from all others. She’s the ultimate “Diverse Diversion” ….she relates to being African-American. She relates to being a Jewish Princess….she has all these experiences that come together to make her the story of America."  Now that Jewish mother-in-law, she led to problems for Sunda.  Her mother-in-law filed a lawsuit against her in a U.S. District Court because she claims that Sunda is defaming her and her family and that her act is racist against Jews.  Sunda had no clue about the lawsuit until she was at an audition and they asked her to explain the lawsuit.  Sometimes the truth is the best material that comedians can work with.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt started off writing for Mad TV.  I enjoyed that show, I'll admit it.  He's been in almost every medium.  He voiced a character in Disney's "Ratatouille", he played Spence on "King of Queens",  he lent his voice for a character in "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", he's had great selling comedy albums, he's been in music videos, and he has a starrign role in "Big Fan".  And I can never forget his role in Reno 911: Miami.  Shit...I am doing the mancouch thing.  Patton's material is hilarious and covers politics and video games, basically a wide variety of nerdom.  Along with Brian Posehn, Zach Galifinakis, and Maria Bamford, they toured with the mocking title "The Comedians of Comedy".  My favorite quote: "90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on. "

Woody Allen

Say what you will about his personal life, but damn it, Woody is funny.  He is so witty.  He wrote for The Ed Sullivan Show, The Tonight Show, and Candid Camera.  Sometimes the movies he wrote felt like a stand-up routine.  My favorite Woody Allen movies both are "documentaries" and both have the feel of a stand up routine: Take the Money and Run and Sweet and Lowdown.  Some of my favorite quotes: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.", "Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.", "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.", and "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.''

Dave Attell

People say that Dave and I have a lot in common.  We're bald or balding, drunks, and often get mistaken for being Jewish.  Dave often did stand-up with John Stewart and then he got his break by appearing on the David Letterman show.  Then he wrote for Saturday Night Live, the the god years with Chris Farley.  He also dated the hottest comedian, Sarah Silverman but they broke-up and she went on to bang other comedians.  I think Attell is best known for his show on Comedy Central called Insomniac.  He went around a city exploring things that happen after hours.  He is just off the wall in his performances.  I remember one where he talked about what to do if you are ever caught masturbating.  You yell at the person who catches you to "GO GET HELP!"  My favorite quote besides the one I mentioned: "Sex is not important. What's important is that afterward part. When you're both naked and it's warm and you're watching the sun come up in the windshield. You look in her eyes, you look in her one good eye and help her strap on her leg and you know: you just fucked a pirate."

David Cross

David Cross, this guy is hilarious.  He grew up in the suburbs of Atlanta where he claims to have experienced much racism because of his Jewish heritage.  It makes for great bits in his routine.  He went to college in Boston where he began working in improv and stand-up.  He recalls that the stand-up scene in Boston was too homophobic and racist and dumb.  Guess where Dane Cook got his start?  Cross wrote for The Ben Stiller Show and then was a star and writer for Mr. Show.  Mr. Show gave him his break and he has been everywhere.  He has written books and released comedy album.  His albums "It's Not Funny" and "Shut Up You Fucking Baby" may be some of my favorite comedy albums.  His most recent book contained an author biography that said "David Cross is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn".  He also had the audacity to hope(see what I do here) that he could get away with doing a line of cocaine at a White House dinner.  He did the line 40ft from the president and was not caught.  Oh and if you want to see David Cross at his funniest, do yourself a favor and look for the movie "Run Ronnie Run".  Also check him out in the tv series "Arrested Development".  It's no longer on FOX but I am catching it on IFC.  He played a pyschiatrist who was a licensed analyst and therapist making him a licensed analrapist.

Jerry Seinfeld

Do I really need to write anything here?  No.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller is one of the pioneers of female stand-up comics.  I think without her, many women we consider funny wouldn't be known to us.  Too bad all her work gave us Kathy Griffin.  She got her start while working as a secretary at a TV station.  The host of a show thought she was funny and persuaded her to try out her routine.  She made an appearance on the show and then was booked by a comedy club and the rest is history.  She is still funny today at the age of 92.

Honorable mention: Mitch Hedberg and Nick Swardson mostly because they are from Minnesota but Hedberg really brought back people to stand-up.  Stephen Wright, Roseanne Barr, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garafalo, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Dave Chappelle, Don Rickles, Wendy Liebman and oh the list could go on but I figure I already put you to sleep.

My favorite comedian on Xanga?  That would have to be jestiny1.  Look at that person's comment on my Least Favorite Comedians list and know that whoever it was started a Xanga account just to write that.  Talk about dedication to the art of comedy.

I already wrote one post tonight so why not another.  If you missed the other one here it is: My Favorite Comedians.
Last night I watched and listened to the Wisconsin basketball game.  They beat Duke.  It was a very impressive game.  I think the one of the fun things I took away from that game was that I saw the owner of the shoe store where I shop sitting behind the Badgers' bench.  So random, I know, but when a guy takes time to stock his store with shoes in my size you recognize him.
And I apologize, there be lists in these links.

#1.  Have you ever wondered how your band got it's name?  Well here is a list of the stories behind how 12 bands got their name.  I still haven't figured out how Mookie Blaylock influenced the name Pearl Jam.

#2.  A lot of people are struggling in this economy yet they still want to have a good time.  Here is a handy guide about how you can enjoy a strip club on $30.  Honestly I think the article is a hoax and horrible but then what do I know.

#3.  Here's a list of 5 seriously messed up movie plots.  I am shocked that Old Boy did not make the list or Ichii the Killer.

#4.  Do you watch TV?  Hopefully you watch good TV and not these shows that were the 10 worst of the decade.

#5.  I love Google Street.  I have often been surprised that I haven't found much nefarious activities when I view the street.  Well someone has went to painstaking efforts to make a collection of prostitutes found on Google Streets, too bad they didn't include the addresses.  Here's a great example of something random found in Google street, apparently they don't know what deer look like in Canada.

#6.  Have you ever wondered what L.A. would look like if there were no people?  Well here is your chance to see what that would look like.  Even without all the people it still looks polluted as all hell.

#7.  Here is a list of actors who turned down huge roles on TV.  You know, it's hard to imagine Paul Giamanti as Michael Scott or Paul Schaffer as George Costanza.

#8.  Because I am a map nerd, here is a map of the 250 best movies of all time, color coordinated as to genre.

#9.  Even though this site is for what to do when tumblr is down, I think it is applicable to Xanga as of late.  Keep clicking, some are truly funny.

#10.  I know some of you hate these lists but they backed up in my bookmark section and I want to get rid of them.  Anyway here is a list of some strange high school mascots.  True story:  I coached football against one of those schools.

#11.  I know some of you really dig Judd Apatow movies.  I like some of his work.  Thanks for B-Money for bringing this to my attention, here is a chart of Apatow productions casting.  It's amazing how some of those guys are in almost everything.

#12.  I love those church sign generators.  Well here is a site of many different sign generators.  Thanks B-Money.

#13.  The rule with this site is that you have to be drunk and then write haikus.  That is why it is called Drunken Haiku.

#14.  Do you have facebook?  Be careful not to post anything stupid or it may make this list of embarassing facebook posts.

#15.  I can't believe there are some famous people who became famous by accident.  Here are seven that were that lucky. It's funny how getting drunk gave Mel Gibson his big break and also basically ended his career.

I hope you enjoyed.

This morning I had one of the most surreal moments of the day.  I wasn't that sleepy because I had so much on my mind.  I was sort of drowsing, I guess, plus I had a cat kneading my back with her sharp claws.  Anyway my cellphone starts vibrating.  It was too early, like 5AM, for my emergency alarm clock so I picked it up and said, "hello".  And before I could say another word, I heard "Happy birthday to you/ happy birthday to you/ happy birthday dear Scott/ happy birthday to you!"  I replied, "Thank you, but my name isn't Scott.  I think you have the wrong number."  And with that I hung up.  I should have told this woman who sounded a bit elderly that when she calls Scott that she should wish him a happy birthday for me.  Hmmm I wonder if she even called this Scott back  Maybe the wrong number could explain why my parents never contact me on my birthday.  Do you know when my birthday is? 

I've never met an unhappy person with hard nipples. They're as good as a smile.

I think it's sad that the inventor of masturbation isn't making money hand over fist.

I didn't get any Google Wave invites. Just as well, I hear it's not compatible with my Commodore 64.

Repetitive jokes crack me up.  Did you know repetitive jokes make me laugh?  I LOVE REPETITIVE JOKES!

3 of a kind beats 2 pair in poker but not in breasts.

I'm drinking ginger ale.  It tastes like 100% natural red-head.

Motivation:

OK so I will share a dream.  Last night while drowsing, I dreamed that some lady from Xanga came to visit me.  I couldn't tell you it was and whenever she spoke it was type.  I couldn't hear but had to read.  We laid underneath my afghan...not the people we are fighting, they're Afghanis. We just talked but I never figured out who it was.  So I guess what I am asking is, if it was you, please let me know. 

And because I deliver on 74% of my promises:

I uploaded that a little over a year ago.