got'cha

It's on like a prawn that yawns at dawn.

So I am seriously thinking of driving past a line of people waiting for the Twilight movie and throwing garlic at them but as mentioned in a pulse it would probably only make them sparkle more.

It's cool to rub elbows with people at parties but not at urinals.

I had a fortune cookie with a fortune that said: "Relax and let your peers handle some of today’s actions."  So who wants to handle this one?

I have already heard people speculate about Chris Brown's performance at the BET awards were real and his tears were from the heart.  No, dumbass, his tears were from his eyes.

I like watching the Cubs play baseball.  It makes me feel better about myself.

Roses are red, and violets are in bloom. All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

I think the trophy wife would be a trophy for me.

Hugs don't feel good on the computer.
Life without bears would be unbearable.

Make sure you comment on my recent "girl" post.  Have a great day tomorrow.  I won't "see" you.  I have guv'ment training.

Girl...the time has come.

Come for what you may ask?  It's time that we take this to a whole new level. But before we go to that level I must pamper you like the princess that you are.  Girl, you're going to love what I have planned.

First, I have been making you a fine dinner.  It consists of chimichangas, green beans, and strawberries all for two because, girl, there is no one in my life besides you.  I suppose you should include my mechanic because, girl, he had to repair my chariot.  I had a leaky hose that was depositing water on the floor of my car.  No, girl, not that kind of leaky hose.  You have a dirty mind.  Damn!  Girl, you know I love that dirty mind.

I want to take you to another level maybe some sort of astral plane.  I will take you to the mystic land of nirvana with my cooking.  I took flour tortillas and I heated them over the open flame of my stove.  They are nice and crisp.  My mouth is watering, girl, not just at the food but at the site of you in that beautiful dress.  Is it the fine piece of craftsmanship that I bought for you at the Dress Barn?  That's right, girl, when I am out hanging with the boys, I am always thinking of you.  I am not embarassed to go to the Dress Barn especially not for my boo.

I smear some re-fried beans on these tortillas because they are so creamy just like your skin.  Yes, girl, I am comparing your skin to beans.  What you think about that?  I see you in everything.  That is how crazed I am with you girl.  The perfect amount of re-fried beans for each chimichanga is three tablespoons.  Once you have smeared the beans on the tortilla, you sprinkle the finest of aged cheddar cheese on them.  Of course the cheese has to come from Wisconsin.  Then you take the edges of the chimis and you fold them to the center.  Girl, I studied origami so I could make you this meal.  The chimichangas are fold like the bomb because they need to hold in all the succulent flavors so that you can get maximum pleasure.

Girl...the time has come for me to heat some oil.  Once it gets to optimal boiling temperature, I drop those chimis in and I let them fry for one and a half minutes or until they are the color of your sun-soaked skin.  Damn girl, these are hot just like you.  Once they are out of the oil, I set them on some Bounty paper towels to soak up the oil because Bounty is the quicker, thicker picker-upper.  Maybe BP should drop some Bounty on the oil spill.  Damn, girl, I'm getting all political and shit.

Girl...the time has no come for me to make the green beans.  I take down a can of Jolly Green Giant green beans and open it with the finest of can openers.  Once the can is opened I dump the green beans in a pot and put them over some heat on the stove.  When they are done, I look into your eyes and sing, "Ho..ho..ho.." NO, girl, don't get sad.  I am not insinuating that you are a woman with loose morals.  I am simply singing their slogan.  Girl, I would never insult you unless you wanted me to as some sort of sexual fantasy.  I am all about pleasing you and taking this to a whole new level.

The beans and the chimichangas are finished so it's time to eat.  Girl, I even bought some bubbly for this evening but it contains no alcohol.  It is some Welch's sparkling grape juice.  I don't want your senses dulled on our journey to a whole new level.  I also made brown Kool-Aid.  Girl, don't be scurred to drink the brown Kool-Aid.  I simply combined orange and grape Kool-Aid.  Brown is the most delectable of all Kool-Aid flavors.  Dig in, girl, and the feast that I have prepared for you. 

Girl, I see you looking around for the third part of our feast.  That is dessert and you have to eat all your chimichanga and green beans before you can have your dessert.  Girl...the time has come for dessert.  I bewilder you when I come back to the kitchen, which is illuminated by some strawberry scented candles that I purchased at the Dollar Tree, holding not only strawberries but also whipped cream and chocolate sauce.  Girl, I want you to be rested up for our trip to a whole new level so I will feed you myself.  First I take a strawberry and I dip it in the whipped cream.  I then lightly swirl it around your lips.  Then I plunge the luscious strawberry into your mouth.  Damn, girl, this is hot especially you licking the whipped cream off your lips.  Next it's time for some chocolate syrup.  Girl, lean back your head and open your mouth.  You do realize that will not be the only time you hear that phrase tonight.  Oops I got some on your chin and on your cleavage.  No, don't reach for the Bounty paper towels.  In this case my tongue is the quicker picker-upper.

Girl...the time has come for me to do the dishes.  Go relax in the living room and watch some TV while I clear the table and wash the dishes.  For your viewing pleasure, I have my favorite episode of Family Guy in the DVD player.  Watch it and laugh.  Your laughter will help take us to a whole new level.  I wash my dishes by hand so I have to soak them in some water with Dawn.  I find that Dawn gets all the grime off plates and pans the best.  Plus, it's lemon scented and, girl, you love when my hands are scented like citrus.  Girl, I hear your laughter.  It pleases me.

The dishes will air dry because it is now time for us to begin our trek to the next level.  I come in and shut off the TV and DVD player and turn on my stereo.  The cd in the tray is one I made special for this evening.  I pull you out of the Lay-Z-Boy recliner and pull you close to me as the sweet soulful voice of Barry White fills my house.  Yes, girl, you are my first, my last, and my everything.  MMM, I love that scent you are wearing.  Is it Clinique?  Damn, girl, you know my favorite perfume.  You are ready for our journey.  Smell my hands.  You love lemons, right?  Oh you also love my cologne?  Well I don't like to brag but it is Armani Code.  Well, it's an imitation of Armani Code that I picked up at the Dollar Tree but it has made you notice my zesty essence.

Girl, may I have this dance?  You know this is so relaxing and there is nowhere I would rather be than in my house dancing with you on my hardwood floors that I polished for this occasion with Bona Hi-Gloss Hardwood Floor Polish.  Girl, I can see your smile in the reflection on the floor.  You are taking off for that new level.  But slow down, girl, this is a adventure for two.

I grab the CD as we head for my bedroom.  Girl, we need music for our magical excursion on the highway of gettin' it on.  Girl, I will let you walk upstairs first so I can enjoy your booty as it goes up the stairs.  Damn, girl, you are fine.  Do you like my bedroom?  I got plastic rose petals on my bed.  I picked them up at Dollar Tree as well.  Girl, you seemed dismayed that I do so much shopping at the Dollar Tree.  You shouldn't.  The economy is rough out there and I have to be a playa on a budget.  The money I saved at the Dollar Tree went to buy you this golden necklace that I got from my guy, Leon.  You remember Leon.  He has the shop on the corner in the back of his conversion van.  I took this to a jeweler and he guaranteed that you would love it.  Girl, put it on.

Why, you are welcome, girl.  Let me get a kiss for being so considerate in these times of economic hardship.  Damn, I can taste the feast I prepared for you on your lips.  Now, I have another feast prepared.  Lay down and feel the silkiness of my silk sheets.  I see you have goosebumps.  Well, the time is here for our journey to begin.  Let me put on the music.  Oh yeah, Jamiroquai!  He has such sexy beats.  My passion for you is boiling.  I must have you.  Soon your moans will drown out the sound of Jamiroquai as will the sound of my testicles slapping against your bare skin.

Girl, you have been taken to a whole new level.

Damn!

(This is the third in a series.  The first can be found here and the second can be found here.  I have found that these are incredibly difficult to write when I am not in love.  How's that for romance?)

Wellity wellity wellity...another Monday Mash-Up Madness.  It's hard to believe that I have uploaded 99 of these mash-ups so far.  I've been thinking of quitting these and finding something else to blog about but I can't think.  See I have what you may call writer's block.  I can put out funny stuff but I can't write seriously right now.  I have been working on a survey course of world religions and I guess my mind is being sapped by that.  OK, I need to establish boundaries so I won't delve too much into my personal life because I still remember a while back how I got a comment to the effect of "No one cares about your personal life; make with the funny."  Here are this week's mash-ups.

You are probably getting sick of one of these songs but here is another mash-up featuring "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  This time it is mashed with "Song 2" by Blur.  I love both these songs and I always wished that Blur could have enjoyed more success with their material in the States but it didn't work out that way.  It took the lead singer to collaborate with other bands and sing for some animated characters to make it big over here.

Here's a mash-up of songs that are considered "oldies" or "classic".  I hate how the radio stations that play songs from more than five years ago are called oldies.  Just a pet peeve and speaking of pet peeves...the "oldies" station in Madison that I pick up plays Christmas music 24/7 from the day after Thanksgiving until New Year's Eve.  OMG!  I hate Christmas music.  Enough said.  OK this mash-up is "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits mashed with "Can't Stand Losing You" by The Police.  I like it.

This is a mega mash-up.  See how many artists you can identify.
Do you recognize this girl?

DAMN!  USA loses.  Honestly, I'm embarrassed.  Well now it's time to cheer on the vaterland...DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!  I'm feeling a little better.  I turned my house into a sauna.  I shut all the windows except in the bedroom where my cats are sleeping.  The heat in here is intense but it is helping me get unclogged.  Just a reminder...some images may not be safe for work or for life NSFW and NSFL.

My early wet dreams are partially coming true.  Tiffany and Debbie Gibson will be starring in a movie together albeit a SyFy original movie titled "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid".  So this has me thinking, who will be the two female singers that ten years from now will star in the sequel?  Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?  Lady Gaga and Ke$ha?  Vitamin C and Hoku?

Oh man, Taylor Momsen is so edgy!  She has an attitude AND cigarettes.  I be no one else is that edgy at her high school.  You know what else is edgy?  Lung cancer...Taylor, smoke up!  You need to maintain your edginess.

Selma Blair turned 38 this week.  Not that I am a huge Selma Blair fan but it gives me an excuse to post a photo of her from John Waters' "A Dirty Shame".  God bless, John Waters' smutty soul.  I will always love that movie and forget that Selma Blair was in the abomination that was NBC's version of Kath & Kim.

Twilight fans or Twihards let the fapping commence.  An ancestry agency claims to have traced Robert Pattison's line back to the real Count Dracula otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler.  That is sort of shocking to me.  I was halfway expecting him to be related to GLAAD the Impaler.

This is Rima Fakih.  She's Miss USA or some such nonsense like that.  She looks great not only on a stripper pole but also in a bikini.  She did a photo shoot in preparation for the Miss Universe competition.  Why is this news?  Why am I not talking about how General Petraeus told FOX News how he plans to change the rules of engagement in Afghanistan?  Well, Petraeus doesn't look good in a bikini so Rima is more newsworthy.

This may be the most shocking news I have ever heard about Richard Simmons.  A former gay porn star, Bruce Headrick, claims that when he was also being a paid escort, he had sex with Richard Simmons.  Headrick's agent set him up with Simmons and when he arrived at Richard's place, Simmons came out and said, "We'll have to be quiet.  My mother's upstairs."  Is it a shock that Richard Simmons pays for sex?  He looks like the cross between Clint Howard and a Chia Pet.  I wouldn't know if I should ask for an autograph or water him.  I don't know why but I want to know if Richard popped in an oldies CD while they got it on.  Maybe if they filmed it, Richard's sextape could be called "Blowin' to the Oldies".

Lindsay Lohan may be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  When she found out that the "stars" got paid, she was all for it.  I wonder if this would be a good idea since she can't walk out of a nightclub without falling on her ass.  Also that SCRAM bracelet could throw off her balance.  Have you noticed that the quality of "stars" on that show has been in a decline?  If they wanted someone less coordinated in dancing they should travel back in time and get the high school me from one of my school dances.

Paris Hilton is one of the only people in Hollywood worried about Lindsay Lohan.  Apparently they made up after their "feud" which saw Paris use the term "fire crotch" in a hateful way.  Who cares if Lindsay is a fire crotch because of her red hair?  I'd be more concerned with Paris having a fire crotch because of all the burning.  Anyway Paris is trying to get Lindsay help.  I'm happy that someone is helping Lindsay but that is sort of like Michael Moore asking Jabba the Hut for dieting tips.  Lindsay needs someone more stable than Paris someone like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

This week Megan Fox got a new tattoo, one that honors Mickey Rourke.  She said she got it because she adores him.  A more fitting Mickey Rourke tribute would be to start smoking 50 packs of cigarettes a day and put them out on your face so that way you can look and sound just like him. 

Speaking of Mickey...he cut his hair.  If it wasn't for the fact that his old hair was so oily, I bet that mane could singlehandedly soak up all the oil in the Gulf of Mexico.  You know what...Mickey looks like a non-zombie.  Good job!

The shit is hitting the proverbial fan.  All hell is breaking loose in Mel Gibson's life.  He and girlfriend Oksana something or other broke up a while ago but just recently Mel filed a restraining order against her.  It all results from an incident in January.  Mel claims that Oksana left their house with their daughter and Oksana threw herself to the ground and came back inside and started shaking their baby so Mel had to get violent to save his child.  Oksana says that he pushed her and shook her while she was clutching the child.  She also has a restraining order against Mel and she claims that she recorded his verbal and physical abuse to her and their child but it isn't being released because Mel filed the restraining order.  How the hell does Mel Gibson go from ripping off women's panties with the wink of an eye to this?  OK so what is the good news in this?  Mel's restraining order against sanity is still in full-effect. 

Lady Gaga HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, now you can own your very own Lady Gaga sex doll.  I have come to believe that the sex doll industry is more complex than NASA.  As long as the doll doesn't sing then I am OK.

A couple of weeks ago Lady Gaga went to a Mets baseball game and they gave her Jerry Seinfeld's box seats.  He was not happy.  He was on a sports show and said: “This woman is a jerk. I hate her. I can’t believe they put her in my box, which I paid for. You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now? Why is she giving the finger? How old is the finger? How’d it even get to be the finger? I don't know what these young people think or how they promote their careers.  I'm older, I'm 56. I look at Lady Gaga the way Keith Hernandez watches these kids when they pull the pocket out, they wear the inside-out pocket. ... Do you think he understands that? He can't understand that. That's a new game, that's kids. I'm not one of these all-publicity-is-good people. People talk about you need exposure -- you could die of exposure. She is talented. I don’t know why she’s doing this stuff."  I for one am praying that Seinfeld's words are prophetic and that she dies of exposure. I'd love to see her do an outdoor concert in Wisconsin in February and wear her outfits.  Hell I'd love to see her pull that shit at a Packers game.  She wouldn't have any appendages left.

Kristen Stewart was at the premier of the new Twilight  movie.  Notice all the people?  I think the lady behind her is laughing at the poor turn out or Kristen's scrawny legs.

If you ever find yourself at rapper Khia's house, whatever you do, don't eat any candy.  Khia gave her opinions on sex toys: "Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated."  I wonder if Khia knows of the powers of Pop Rocks.

Tattoo artist and reality TV star, Kat Von D, turned down an offer from Jesse James to "hook up".  He kept trying to get with her by saying that her tattoos are so attractive.  She turned him down because she knew he was married.  It's nice to seem someone still has standards.  My question now is, why, if he was so attracted to women with more ink than the USA Today, did he marry Sandra Bullock, who has none?  Blank canvas?

I heard Playboy rumors and Justin Bieber in the same source.  I was thinking that maybe he was going to finally show the world that he was in fact a she.  Actually his 34 year old mom, Pattie Lynn Malette, is allegedly in negotiations to pose for Playboy.  34 years old and has a teenage son that is a worldwide music sensation...wtf have I done with my life?  I need to starting knocking up chicks in hopes that my demon seed does something to make me rich.

So the Jersey Shore boys posed for the Village Voice's queer issue.  I guess they have hit bottom...zing.

Jason Bateman angered 2,000 nerds this week when he cut to the front of the line in order to get a new iPhone.  People booed and hissed at him and when he left there were people who spit on him.  Oh well, I'd still support him if he were to finally get that Arrested Development movie in theaters.

James Gandolfini does not like to be photographed when eating.  Getting an F. U. from Tony Soprano is magical.  It's like getting hit in the head with a Blackberry thrown by Naomi Campbell or having sex with Paris Hilton and coming away disease free or finding a urinal has been replaced by Kim Kardashian.

The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka and his pick, Vienna Sausage, have broken up.  When are we going to learn that reality dating contests are fake and do not produce lasting and meaningful relationships?  He says there were irreconcilable differences but she paints a different picture.  Vienna claims that they had not been intimate in six months and by intimate she meant kissing.  She claims that he would only kiss her in public.  I'm not an expert but it sounds like Jake has read "The Guide to Dating a Girl While Remaining Gay" by Tom Cruise. 

I wonder if when Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko travel, if she sits on his lap to save money.  That is one mismatched couple.

Gary Coleman knew his wife, Shannon Price, was up to no good.  Not only had he divorced her but he had a restraining order against her.  The reason it is just coming to public light now is that it was filed under John and Jane Doe.  As I read about all this stuff I keep thinking that Coleman's body should be exhumed but then I remember that he was cremated...glue the ashes back together?  She really can't get away with murder.  Where is Dexter when you need him?

Because Tiger Woods screwed so many chicks behind his wife's back, he is now getting screwed.  Not only did Elin Nordegren take money and build a mansion in her home country of Sweden but she also kept their $80million mansion in Florida.  Tiger will only get to come to the mansion to visit his children.  She is also said to be feminizing the mansion except for the gym and oxygen therapy room.  What does "feminizing" mean?  A kitchen the size of a football field?  Washer and dryers that run on nagging?  Soundproof windows so that she won't disturb the neighbors with her late-night vacuuming?  See she's doing these things because women love to clean.  Is there any wonder why I am single?  If you think I believe any of that, you have not read my blog.  I should travel back to the 50s where I would be a cutting edge comedian and able to eat all the red meat I wanted without repercussions.

Diddy recently spent $90,000 on booze at a nightclub in London.  I guess it wasn't that bad considering he had 50 people with him and he ordered ten drinks that cost $2,500 a piece because they are four feet tall, come with dancers, and a bagpiper.  He did all that just for a chance to have a good time and get drunk.  Well the joke's on Diddy.  Last weekend I spent $11 on a case of Grain Belt and I drank it by myself.  The winner is clearly me.

Bradley Cooper did not read Tom Cruise manual "How Not to Fire Up Gay Rumors".  Last week he was spotted working out at a gym and soon a group of women gathered to ogle him.  Bradley got upset and ran into a locker room filed with naked men.  I am thinking he was probably embarrassed that he was bench pressing so little weight.  I get embarrassed when I bench too little.  I was warming up with 4 reps of 500 and these girls snickered because I am a weakling.  Damn that was embarrassing!

Amanda Bynes announced this week on Twitter that at 24 years old she was retiring from acting because she claims it isn't fun anymore.  What do you expect?  It's a job!  I hope she managed her money wisely because I don't recall any box office hits.  Maybe we can see her return to her roots and get on a Nickelodeon game show.  Because of Hollywood's lose of this great acting talent, somewhere Meryl Streep is breathing a sigh of relief.

Adrienne Curry posted this on Twitter this week.  I can't wait for Coco's retort.  Mark my words, the twitter war between Adrienne Curry and Coco will one day have more coverage in the history books than the Lincoln/Douglas debates.

You know Amy Winehouse's career is over when a little kid is kicking her out of a bar.

Hey, did Britney Spears get us to travel back in time to 1990 or are chokers back in style?  I remember those in grade school.  The girls would wear their leather chokers, silk shirts, and snap bracelets and I would write their names in my Trapper Keeper and draw a heart around it.  I would also pour milk down the pants of the class nerd in hope of receiving oral sex but that didn't pan.  God, I miss grade school.

This will end well...Britney Spears has stopped taking her medicines that keep her from shaving her head and beating cars with umbrellas so that she can have another baby.  Honestly, it should be easy for her to get pregnant since all you have to do to knock up one of the Spears girls is to whisper the word "inseminate" in their ear.  If Britney really needs to get knocked up all she has to do is find where the Navy is docking and she can get that from humanitarian, Paris Hilton.  She has the naval fleet docking schedule laminated for easy purse access.

I hope you enjoyed.  Have a great weekend.

I am so scared.  I had a puddle of water in my car and five folding chairs in my back seat.  I think I am sleep-walking again.  I don't know when the chairs got there but quite possibly the water could have been there because a seal on my door wasn't tight.  Oh well, I need to figure out where I got these chairs. 

1.  I was reading an article today about how a cookbook was promoting itself because of the oil spill and lack of oysters.  The cookbook claims that the secret ingredient tastes just like oysters and has the same texture.  Can you guess the secret ingredient?  Yes, it's semen.  I just want to know who decided one day to taste-test semen and oysters.

2.  This game is called Canabalt.  It is quite easily the most addictive game on the internet.  Maybe it's addictive because I suck.  My personal best was 1690m.

3.  Here's a collection of ridiculous senior portraits.  If the people who took my senior portraits would have let me pose the way I wanted, I would have ended up on that list.  My idea was to pose with a newspaper and my rifle.  They said that I may be visited by the FBI or Secret Service if I did that pose.

4.  Cats are amazing creatures.  They are so independent and sleep all the time and...well that's about it.  But for being such independent minded animals they sure like it when people pile stuff on them.  My cats don't like me to touch them while they sleep so I can't pile anything on them.

5.  Here's a blog called Stuff No One Told Me.  Some of that stuff would have come in handy in my life.  Oh well, I'll have a few beers and get over it.

6.  Freud said something about seeing penises and having cock on the mind but I think these really are accidental.

7.  Here's a fun little quiz from mentalfloss: Presidential Nickname or Professional Wrestler.  Here's how big of a nerd I am, I scored a 100%.

8.  Do you remember Care Bears?  Do you know what a hipster is?  Well this site combines the two with hilarious results. 

9.  Are you trying to decide on which religion you should belong to?  Do you realize that I speak with horrible Wisconics(the language of Wisconsin were it is common to end sentences with prepositions)?  Well here is a quiz where you can discover which religion you should consider.

10.  I find it hard to believe that there is a national mustard museum but what I don't find hard to believe is that it is in Wisconsin.  And here it is.   If you are in Wisconsin and planning on getting married, they host weddings.  A local tv station aired some of the wedding ceremony.  The song the bride walked the aisle to was sung to the tune of "On Wisconsin" and involved talking of love and mustard.

11.  Who is the cutest Xangan?  It's a 100% accurate.

12.  And because I love this site so much and because I am so lonely, here's girls eating ice cream cones.

I guess my last post wasn't satirical enough or maybe people just needed to know whom I was satirizing.

Come on, ESPN!

Dear Reader,
I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis and I believe that I must find someone who will care for me but most importantly someone whom I can lavish with all the affection that is humanly possible without being sent to prison.  See, I need to find a wife so that when I am old and decrepit I will have some one to spoon feed me and change my diapers.  I figure that since I have accumulated so much time here on Xanga that I have missed the boat in hopes of having a relationship with a woman outside the internet so I write in order that I may find my eternal, internet bride.

I used to write a series of sappy love entries where I would talk about what I would do for my girl.  Sure I had a few offers of marriage from those entries but I was so immature when I wrote them and I toyed with those girls' minds.  Now that I am mature, I am in desperate need of human contact.  I will have to start my own Xanga contest in which I find my bride.  Will you enter?

Dear Reader, aren't I cute?

Just so you know what you'll get if you're my bride...
I'm the only Xangan who'll:

                        Leave a seat for you…… ¦Þ

                        motorboat your personality

                        look you in the eyes during a whoopee making session

                        talk your dad into letting you date me

                        leave the fan on in the bathroom so your nose isn't offended

                        admit his life mission is to get blown like a Nintendo cartridge

                        won't draw graffiti on you when you pass out

                        use Nair for you

                        hold your hand and purse at a biker bar

                        pretend he didn't hear the queef

not care that your mom is in the other room and whether or not she can hear us

sleep in the wet spot

not tell anyone about the time you tried to make out with that homeless guy

hold your purse when you go shopping

hold your hair when you are throwing up

cuddle with you and spoon

accept your mom's friend request on Facebook

take down my Scarface poster for you

want to be more than friends with benefits

smell test your clothes to see if they are clean

help you hide a body

DP you with just myself

tea bag a shark for you

slap my dick thigh to thigh just like the drum thing in Karate Kid 2

teach you to go “up the river” and never “across the street”

go halfsies on those special procedures

play the drums for Bel Biv Deboe’s “Poison” on my stomach

be your study-buddy for a pregnancy test

admit they are strong enough for a man but built for a woman

think of you while I have “private time”

that will say he loves you…giggle

tuck and untuck for you with no hands

never pee in the pool

never shy away from an erection that you caused

never ask to kiss his pooch if he licks your kitten

ask if it’s ok to date one of your friends after we’ve broken up

stop calling his crotch “Fornication Festival”

apologize for my drunken antics

put your name inside a heart in my Trapper Keeper

love you even if you don’t love me

say he loves your boobs

sit through one of your chick-flicks as long as I get compensated

admit that you always have me at ¾ erect

whisper that he doesn’t believe in karma but loves you and the kama sutra

put out before the first date

introduce you to my “Vlad the Impaler”

“accidentally” brush up against you just to feel your luscious breasts

Give you mouth hugs

Tea-bag you with a sugar coated bag

Never force you into a threesome unless it’s you, me and a friend doing the dishes

Take a time out from a whoopee making session to use my inhaler

Paint my thingee red if you are a true doggystyle aficionado

Vote for you in Xanga’s popularity contest and actually care about you afterward.

Be like crayola

Dear reader, am I a catch or what? Will you marry me?

By the way, I took such a massive shit this morning that it clogged my toilet and I had to use a plunger.  After I thought I had it unclogged, I gave it another flush and it clogged again.  I felt 20 pounds lighter.  Does this ever happen to you? 

Winner of the Godfather's search for an internet bride will receive an autographed photo and a husband.

It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions.  I am glad to be back with my cock after his bout with fatigue.  And for those of my new readers, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns

Me: Hey, Cocky, how are you doing?
Cocky:  I am full of vim and vigor.
Me: I've noticed you have been quite active as of late.  Is that because of our sponsor's gifts?
Cocky:  No, I raided your nightstand and took a few of those pills from the bottle labeled pick me ups.
Me: Well did you leave any?
Cocky:  Actually I was hoping you would get me some more.
Me: Hmmmm not like I actually need them.
Cocky:  Yeah your bed has been quite bare as of late.
Me: Yes, I guess I haven't had a lot going on because I have so much weighing on my mind.
Cocky:  May as well go to the doctor to have your nads removed now.
Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.

Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload some life-changing advice.
Me: Alright, on to the letters...

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a middle-aged woman who enjoys her B.O.B.! How often do you think is too often? And, as a cock, are you offended by my behavior?
                                          Carolyn in Cashton

Me: I have often been under the assumption that there can never be too much of something but I think if you are changing batteries on a daily basis then maybe you need to put it down
Cocky: Yeah and grab me.  I love being mouth hugged.
Me: Cocky...what do you mean...hugged?
Cocky: Hugged with a mouth but seriously in this economy we have to scrimp and save and if your battery operated boyfriend is going through more batteries then you can afford you better hang it up.  When I was in my state of not being able to get up in the morning, the henhouse had an extremely large number of cucumbers and carrots sitting outside.  And if you have any enemies, make them a salad.  By the way, I take no offense as long as I get some mouth hugs.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above ground pool for the kids.  They love it and I have to admit it is a blessing on those summer days when the temperature gets above 80.  The problem is my husband.  If he isn't in the pool swimming, he is cleaning it or tinkering with the filters.  I can't spend all my time with him out by the pool because by the end of summer I'll look like a lobster!  What should I do?
                                                                          Barbara in Baraboo
Me:  That is a tough question.  I would be upfront with him and tell him that he is spending too much time with the pool and not with his spouse.  You might want to get rid of the kids for the night and have a pool party of your own and talk things over.
Cocky: Can you believe it?  The Milwaukee Bucks traded for Corey Maggette.  Do they really think they can win with that douche?  He's a bigger cock than I.
Me: Cocky, Barbara asked us a question. 
Cocky:  OK...pool...summer...husband...tinkering...lobster...here's what you do; you disassemble the filtration device and place each piece leading to your bedroom and then you are waiting in bed with the last piece and when your husband comes in dumbfounded as to why his wife is lying naked on the bed with a disassmebled pool filter, you say, "Hey, big boy, why don't you take out that stick and measure my ph balance."

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                          Pissed Off in Plum City
Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

How would you seduce a woman after sleeping with her daughter?

                                    Seducer in Seneca

Me: Really?  These are the type of question we’re asked?  Maybe opening up to formspring wasn’t the best way to go.

Cocky: Quit bitching…you’re lucky people come to us with their problems.  See what you just tell her you want to get to know her daughter better by being inside the same vagina that her daughter came out of.

Me: Cocky, that is horrible.

Cocky: And you’re not getting any so what now?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

If you could go back in time to sleep with 1 person, who would it be?

                                    Wanker in Wonewoc

Me: Typically I wouldn’t answer this but I’d have to say Golda Meir

Cocky: What the fuck?  Golda Meir?

Me: Hey, power is an aphrodisiac.  So I suppose you have someone better.

Cocky:  Yes, Elivra when I was 5…not when she was 5 but when I was 5 because that is when she was at her best.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Can you teach me to be a gangster?

                                    Student in Steubenville

Me: Well what you want to do is go watch as many episodes of ----

Cocky: The Sopranos.  You are so predictable.

Me: Well how can you teach him to be a gangster?

Cocky: You can’t learn, it’s something you’re born with.

Me: Am I a gangster?

Cocky:  Yes, in some place like Candyland

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I heard that you two were working on a rap album.  When is it dropping?

                                    Rapper in Rapid City

Me: Well that plan has been scratched because I am fearful of the gang violence that would escalate because of all the groups Cocky calls out on the album.

Cocky: Oh it’s gonna drop as soon as the Godfather’s balls drop.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I’m Asian.  Can I drive your car?

                                    Asian in Ashwabenon

Me: Formspring!

Cocky: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…answer the question

Me: I think this is a stupid question.

Cocky: Answer the question!

Me: OK…No, I will not let you drive my car.

Cocky: Racist

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.

I went to the pool this evening to perfect my cannon balls and can openers.  I then bought everyone Laffy Taffy.  For once in my life I was a hero.

Have you noticed that the Hardee's grilled cheese has a giant hamburger in the middle?  I think that is false advertising.

Love means never having to stranglebate alone.

If you rearrange the letters in "mother in law" you get "Woman Hitler"

My neighbor called me an asshole.  I guess, since he's living next to an asshole, that makes him a pussy or a dick.

Dating Tips from the Godfather: Guys, give your women compliments every now and then.  Something like "sexy Tits" should be just right.

Here's your weakly dose of motivation:

Are you illiterate?  Write me a letter for help.

Me-topia is better than utopia.

I'm still searching for my Cinderella with the license plate BJS 247
More tornadoes tonight?

What an awesome night!  I was down at church and it started thundering.  At first I thought it was a Harley right outside the doors and then all of a sudden the clouds unleashed a downpour.  It was heavy.  I couldn't see across the street.  And the church has a metal roof so it was loud inside.  But just like that it stopped.  Down by Madison they had funnel clouds sighted.  I had enough of those for a little while. 

UPDATE...I had to switch #95 because for some reason it wouldn't load no matter what I did so I have a brand new mash-up in celebration of the World Cup.

This mash-up features "Move" by Ludacris mixed with "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit.  I think this one should be the new theme song for Xanga only because it features Xanga's most famous blogger, Fred Durst.  Can somebody please get him to start writing here again.  It's sad to think but Fred Durst may be Xanga's only hope.

This is the special World Cup mash-up.  It contains many sports anthems.  See how many you can name.

Here's a pairing that freaks me out...Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" and "Radio Gaga" by Queen.  I am very surprised "Radio Gaga" hasn't been mashed with Lady Gaga yet.  Oh that's a hint to all you DJs out there...hop to it.

This is what "Tik Tok" would have been if Hitler wrote it.

In case you missed my pulse, I really want to re-enact this scene but I'll be playing something different on my boombox.  I'm going for "Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew.

Luigi has always played second fiddle.