Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions. It has been a long week and Cocky and I are both somewhat exhausted. I have been ill and filling out applications to be a full-time teacher once again. Cocky has been sampling the the case of product the sponsors sent us this week.
Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
Me: Good to hear. How is the new sponsor treating you?
Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying. I missed sun-up.
Me: That's unfortunate. What did all the hens do?
Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
Me: Well at least they weren't disturbed.
Cocky: Yeah, so I heard that you are filling out some funny application questions.
Me: Yeah, I wrote an essay last night about different things from my life that besides what I have learned in classes that I would incorporate in the classroom.
Cocky: I could see all our conversations being useful.
Me: Um...no. I talked about how I coached volleyball and how I use the concept of teamwork so that all the students can achieve a common goal.
Cocky: You? You play volleyball?
Me: I don't play, I coached. My knees are too bad to play. I would dive for a ball and get down on my knees and never be able to get back up.
Cocky: Yeah...sounds like you spent too much time being a page at the state capitol.
Me: I was never a page...HEY WAIT A MINUTE! So going with oral sex jokes already?
Cocky: I love oral sex jokes even though the mainstream media seems to think they suck.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do you two maintain your awesomeness?
Dorky in Dundee
Me: Well I try to keep up on what all the kids think is hip and I also read plenty of current events. I guess when you combine the two you, it helps us stay awesome.
Cocky: Bite your tongue, nerd.
Me: You're just jealous that I have a tongue.
Cocky: yeah...what the barrel-ass porker is trying not to say is that he maintains the awesomeness by being dorky just like you. Me, well I maintain the awesomeness by supporting our sponsor. It's amazing what your mind tells you to say when you've had a bit too much Fighting Cock.
Would men turn homosexual if all the breasts in the world disappeared?
Answer Guy in Amherst
Me: Probably not, there’s much more to a woman than her breasts.
Cocky: Hey, godfather, what do you call that useless bit of skin around the vagina?
Me: What is it called?
Cocky: The woman.
Me: You are the reason why I am single.
Cocky: No, it’s because you look like Chewbacca and haven’t brushed your teeth since 1993.
Hey, baby, how about you and me?
Answer Guy in Amherst
Me: Well I am in need of more information and I don't think any of the breasts disappeared plus if you are the Answer Guy that might provide some problems.
Cocky: Who are you kidding? You’d sell your soul to the devil for someone to hold your hand or give you the time of the day. Seriously, dude, the godfather’s phone number is…wait, you’re going to have to work for that.
Me: So you’re pimping me out now?
Cocky: You are my favorite ho and this is payback for your Superbowl party which consisted of buffalo chicken wings, chicken flavored crackers, and beer can chicken. Oh and to make sure that the breasts didn't disappear, email me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com with photographic evidence.
Why doesn’t Jake Busey get along with his father Gary?
Busey-Lover in Campbellsport
Me: Well I think most fathers and sons have a bit of a rivalry. They always want to be better than the other.
Cocky: Well the only rivalry Gary and Jake have is who is going to get to ride the horse. But seriously, they get mad at each other because they have to share one set of gigantic dentures.
Pink or Brown?
Color-Coordinated in Colfax
Me: Both are colors I wouldn’t wear. I don’t look good in either.
Cocky: Dumbass…see it goes pink to brown to white.
Second Place in Sevastopol
Me: No, there is truth to that phrase. Think of all the stories in the Bible and how great things came to those who wait. The best example would be Abraham, who waited for 100 years for God to bless him with a son.
Cocky: No, you’re screwed if you don’t come in first otherwise you get sloppy seconds, dirty thirds, frothy fourths, filthy fifths, scummy sixths, and you’re such a whore because your daddy never made it to any of your ballet recitals sevenths.
OK, that is it for this week and I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or you can ask anonymously over at our formspring.
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