Cocky and I are back. In case you don't remember, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns. He's feisty and he's Scottish and he is ready to unload his wisdom all over the place.
Me: Cocky, how have you been.
Cocky: Pretty tired.
Me: How so?
Cocky: Well I haven't felt like getting up lately. No matter how much you would push or pull on me, I just wanted to lay down and be lifeless.
Me: And now you are feeling better?
Cocky: Hell yeah, I am on some new medicine that has me darting up every morning without that lifeless feeling.
Me: What's your medicine?
Cocky: Viagra.
Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready? Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin. Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear! CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa.
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Recently a right-winger likened me to a prostitute. My response was "At least the men who come to my street corner have a penis, unlike you." Was there a way I could have handled this better.
Red Light Rebecaa in Reedsburg,
Me: Way to stand your ground! I figure that if someone insults you like that then they don't have much upstairs to debate with so your response is very proper.
Cocky: OK, I have been hanging around Reedsburg for plenty of time. Which street corner do you work on? I bet it is by the old movie theater that was destroyed in the flood. I hear a lot of unsavory activity goes on inside. Me being a luscious full-bodied cock, I'm just too savory for that place. Anyway the last girl I picked up in Reedsburg didn't suffer from the problem of your right-winger there. I should have made sure I was buying a taco instead of a footlong hot dog before I paid.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out just exactly how one manages to steal the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Can you please tell me where in the world Carmen San Diego is so that I might ask her?
Thief in Thiensville,
Me: Such a masterpiece of art would most likely crumble should anyone try to remove it from where it is. I think you and Ms. San Diego should just let it be.
Cocky: Too late. I got dibs on that one. Me and some chicks pulled a heist once, and let's just say the "Mona Lisa" you see there, is actually an elaborate copy maid out of dyed chicken feathers. As for Carmen Sandiego, any fool can find her with the handy internet device known as Google Maps. She's hiding in the basement at 579 Lake Street in the town of
*flowerpot falls between myself and Cocky*
Me: We must be getting closer
Cocky: Oh my god, you are such a nerd.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My daughter just turned 6, she is not a bed-wetter, but she did get up in the middle of the night to urinate in her closet. Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about?
Sleepy in Sleepy Eye
Me: This may not be something to be overly concerned with. It just may be an isolated incident. The overall thing you want to focus on is your daughter's safety. One thing that you may want to investigate is the stress level of your daughter. Did she lose a friend? Did she start a new school? Has anything changed from her usual routine? Look into those and make sure she is safe.
Cocky: Lady you are asking the expert on doing strange things in his sleep.
Me: What do you mean?
Cocky: Oh you forgot that incident in college where you urinated all over your dorm neighbor's refrigerator?
Me: In my defense, I was drunk.
Cocky: Oh yeah...what about sleepturbating?
Me: OK I don't see what that has to do with anything. The mother should be concerned about her daughter's safety.
Cocky: And what about your safety? You could be blinded by your sleeping activities.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the million dollar question?
Bucks in Buxton
Me: If I had the million dollar question then I would know the answer and then I would be able to quit this gig and get away from Cocky.
Cocky: I will never leave you. By the way the million dollar question is “What is $5+$999,995?”
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the best way to buy a girl a drink at a bar?
Conversation Starter in Castle Rock
Me: Observe what a girl drinks or how she and her friends are acting. Yes, it seems stalkerish but you can judge what a girl will drink by how she acts at a bar. When all else fails, offer her a shot.
Cocky: God, do you want the guy to ever get laid?
Me: That wasn’t the question.
Cocky: “That wasn’t the question?” OK here’s what you do. You go up to the girl you want to buy a drink. Take her drink, chug it, and then ask her if you can buy her another.
Dear Godfather and Cocky
Who will win the World Cup?
Soccer Nut in Sanborn
Me: Watching the opening games I would have to say the most dominant performance goes to Germany and they are always my favorites.
Cocky: I hope the real winners are the two girls.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Painful in Pecatonica
Me: I think the only option here is to shave off the pubes.
Cocky: Well if you want to get it out use ice and chip away the gum. Peanut butter also works but I wouldn’t recommend that if you have a dog. They love peanut butter.
OK, I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.
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