I didn't post this last night because I was at some cancer benefit.  My church roped me into selling pulled pork sandwiches.  It was quite interesting how people just shell out money for charities even though we are in this rough economy.  I think it's because all the money stays in our town and it's not part of a national organization.  Anyway, it was just interesting.  Now to bash celebrities.  Remember some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

OK now you are probably wondering why I am posting a guy's ass.  Well for all the nudity of a feminine nature I figure I owe something to my female readers.  This is from the season premier of True Blood.  I have yet to figure out why I don't watch that show.  It could be that I don't have HBO.  Anyway this photo reminded me of my college experiences.  I have a rock hard butt and girls like to touch it.  Next...

WTF is wrong with Tori Spelling?  Someone please give her a steak and take away her silicone.

WTF!  Is Tom Brady purposely trying to look like Justin Bieber?  Seriously I am going to try out for the Jets or Dolphins just so I have a chance to beat the shit out of him.  I wouldn't try out for the Bills because...well the Bills aren't that good.  Even I have standards.

Here's some more for the ladies especially considering a photo I have posted later in this entry.  Taylor Lautner is complaining that everywhere he goes female fans are yelling at him to take off his shirt.  OK, girls, mix it up.  Yell at him to take off his top.  Us pieces of meat like a variety of words thrown at us.  He is supposedly so upset with women asking him to take off his shirt so what does the idiot do but pose topless for GQ.  And you wonder why I hate the Twilight kids.

With all the problems in the United States going on like BP oil spill getting worse by the minute, wars being fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and me being single, Sarah Palin answered the toughest question she has ever been asked.  She said, no, she does not have breast implants and that they are 100% real.  OK, Sarah, here's a tip.  You never address rumors like that.  Not once have you seen me address the rumors that I am the world's greatest lover.  See you have to leave people in suspense and shade yourself in a shadow of mystery plus I don't want my grandma reading about my conquests.

R Kelly performed at the World Cup's opening ceremonies.  I laughed when I saw his back-up dancers' attire.  Are those rain ponchos?  Given that R is onstage they probably are.  How did they get R Kelly to perform?  Well they told them that in the country of Madagascar, South Africa's neighbor, the age of consent is 14.  R Kelly did the concert for free as long his accommodations were in Madagascar.

This week Pink was photographed drinking whiskey in Berlin.  Wow, that really reminds me of my dad.  Not the alcohol consumption but the frosted tips and pink fingernails...sigh.

Perez Hilton should be going to jail because of Miley Cyrus.  Last weekend, Perez posted a photo of Miley exiting a vehicle not very ladylike.  Miley, of course, was not wearing underwear.  So basically, because she is under 18, Perez posted child pornography.  The first step he should take, in accordance to Megan's Law, is notify every internet user that he is a sex offender and that includes everyone on Xanga.  Remember that whole prank?  Also, if you look closely at Miley's ear you can see what else she was up to this week.  She had the word "love" tattooed inside her ear.  Why did she get that tattooed in her ear?  Because she is a teenager with an $800million allowance.  This whole Cyrus parenting style of letting a teen daughter live on her own keeps getting better and better.

Megan Fox is very weird.  She posed for a magazine spread with a mannequin made in her likeness.  I bet she got confused as to which one was really her.

Hey, girls, be jealous.  That is Megan showing off her 18 inch waist in the new movie Jonah Hex, which has been given horrible reviews mostly because of her.  The critics are saying the movie is the worst of the summer and if you take away all the flashback scenes and credits, the movie is less than an hour long.  Even though Megan is only on screen for about 10 minutes, it is absolutely horrible.  Thanks to Megan Fox for ruining another one of my favorite childhood icons.  I wonder how many girls will take this photo of her and force themselves to throw up so they can have an 18 inch waist.  Way to be a role-model Megan!

Former NBA player Manute Bol(left) died today at the age of 47.  He had complications from a skin disease he contracted in Africa which led to kidney failure.  Manute was one of the tallest players in NBA history and I swear the guy never dunked.  He was 7'6" and struggled to dunk.  I would love to have a time machine so I could have an in his prime Shaquille O'Neal go one on one against Manute.  It would be no contest.  I still love how Manute is in one of my NBA video games and I made him into a scoring machine yet he would never dunk.  Manute will be greatly missed.

Lindsay Lohan mentioned in an interview that she is going to audition for a part on the hit show True Blood.  The producers of True Blood immediately said there is no place for Lindsay on their show.  I think, because of all her problems, Lindsay Lohan couldn't get a job playing Lindsay Lohan.

In other Lindsay Lohan news...it appears as if she is bulking up.  I bet it's because she's given up trying to stay sober and figures she'll eventually be imprisoned.  I approve.  Oh I should specify.  I approve of her bulking up because I like a bigger girl.  Basically I hate the coked-out stick-figure whore look.  I also approve of her being imprisoned.

Ke$ha said this in a recent interview: "Sometimes I'll walk my dogs and fill bags full of massive dog shit. Then I'll wrap them as Christmas presents and give them to people."  I guess there are worse things she could hand out at Christmas, namely her CD.

GOD BLESS AMERICA LAND THAT I....WHAT?  Katy Perry wore this dress in London last week for the United States and England soccer match.  She claims she was split because she is from America and her boyfriend, Russell Brand, is from Britain.  I'd like to split Katy.  She wears this hot rubber dress to get me excited about soccer but so far jacking off hasn't really made me want to watch the World Cup any more than usual.

I really think Katy has a rubber fetish.  It's a good thing she dresses like this because, for me, her music is intolerable.

ABC is pursuing Kate Gosslein to be the next Bachelorette, which means they are now working with Satan.  If one were to take a mental health survey and they would check yes next to the question "Would you date Kate Gosslein" they would be institutionalized immediately.  I'm hoping they film dates at an S&M club because Kate seems to be a dominatrix and inflect pain on all males.

The girl on the left caused a bar to be raided because people mistook her for Justin Bieber and couldn't believe that someone so young could be drinking.  I would grab a gun if someone said I looked like the Bieb.  I wonder if she is a lesBiebian.

Justin Bieber wasn't anywhere near that bar because he was in the Bahamas posing in a photoshoot with Kim Kardashian.  Kim is now getting death threats from the Bieber Maniacs because his fans don't like her and don't want her to be with Justin.  Well she does look like one of my old babysitters and he's a baby so I guess this makes sense that they do a photoshoot together. 

This is Julianne Hough and she is allegedly dating Ryan Seacrest.  His penis hit the lottery.  She claims it is nothing serious.  It seemed serious to me when I crawled into her crawl space and took photos of her and Ryan in a loving embrace.

Jimmy Dean died this week at the age of 81.  He was a country music singer but he is best known for putting breakfast sausage on tables across this great nation.  Apparently his sausage is good for you if he lived to be 81.  I hope he will live on through the ages with his sausage and not IN his sausage.  Jimmy Dean will be greatly missed.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  Jeremy London claims that a gang kidnapped him, forced him to smoke crack, and then made him buy them alcohol.  Heard it before?  It was a plot to an episode of Six Feet Under.  Jeremy has had his issues with substance abuse and probably has watched a little too much HBO.  And guess what, Lindsay Lohan is reading this and thinking "Why didn't I think of that excuse?"

HOLYWOOD SUCKS!  This movie is getting remade with a Disney girl in the lead.  Seriously, they have run out of ideas.  Just wait until next year when the Iron Man movie remake is released.

Eminem is claiming that he is no longer homophobic but is all for gay marriage.  Maybe he is just trying to tell us something.  Oh well, I still hate his regurgitated pop music.

Dina Lohan went to Carvels this week and had a meltdown. (see what I did there?)  She called the cops because a worker at Carvels refused to give her any ice cream.  She claims she has a free promotional card.  Yes, they did give one to Ali and Lindsay but not to Dina.  It must be good to be famous.  Free all you can eat ice cream for life is the best perk a celebrity could have.  The cop back the card and told Dina never to return.  Never fuck with the Cookie Puss.

Thursday ended in a Y so Coco had to post a sexy photo on Twitter.  Actually Thursday on her Twitter are called "Thong Thursdays".  I think I found out who stole my dental floss.

Oh, Chaz Bono, you've really changed.  How many times have you heard this story?  A guy gets his vagina removed, gets a penis, and then lets himself go.  It's so sad.

This week someone stole one of Charlie Sheen's cars and pushed it over a cliff.  The funny thing is that this is the second time that has happened in the past four months.  He claims that he forgot the keys in the car.  I think he is possibly morphing into his character on Two and a Half Men and is passing out from all the drinking.  Either that or bossom buddies Nick Nolte and Gary Busey are out stealing cars so they can recreate their favorite scenes from "Thelma and Louise".

You have to admit that Betty White is hot.  There is no argument.  Well some people are claiming that Betty is hot and NAUGHTY.  They claim that they are in possession of photos of her and her former husband Alan Luden in sexual positions.  I can't believe those stories because they didn't have cameras back then.

Did you know the Muppets on Sesame Street are on Twitter?  Well they share a Twitter account and this week Bert made a tweet that inched him one step closer out of the closet.  I can't wait for that day. "Ernie and I have been in a committed relationship for years and we are planning to adopt Elmo and raise him in a loving and completely gay household."

Barry Manilow turned 67 this week.  Well it looks like he made it to 67 despite those tight suffocating pants.  Why, yes, I am a nerd.

Bam Margera was released from the hospital earlier this week after he was assaulted and hit in the head with a baseball bat.  The woman who assaulted him claims that after she asked Bam to turn down the music at his bar, he called her the n-word.  That's when she brought a baseball bat and hammered him in the head.  Bam's mom says he's innocent and would never say that word.  Obviously she never watches what he is capable of in his TV shows.  I just hope the blow to the head knocked some sense into that dipshit.

The Twitter War has begun!  Shortly after Coco posted her photo, Adrienne Curry responded with this photo.  A Twitter war will not be good and there will only be one clear winner...ME!

I was going to post a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Every Rose has its Thorn" but because Bret Michaels has already been through enough and the video has been taken away from youtube, consider yourself saved.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.