Dear Reader,
I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis and I believe that I must find someone who will care for me but most importantly someone whom I can lavish with all the affection that is humanly possible without being sent to prison.  See, I need to find a wife so that when I am old and decrepit I will have some one to spoon feed me and change my diapers.  I figure that since I have accumulated so much time here on Xanga that I have missed the boat in hopes of having a relationship with a woman outside the internet so I write in order that I may find my eternal, internet bride.

I used to write a series of sappy love entries where I would talk about what I would do for my girl.  Sure I had a few offers of marriage from those entries but I was so immature when I wrote them and I toyed with those girls' minds.  Now that I am mature, I am in desperate need of human contact.  I will have to start my own Xanga contest in which I find my bride.  Will you enter?

Dear Reader, aren't I cute?

Just so you know what you'll get if you're my bride...
I'm the only Xangan who'll:

                        Leave a seat for you…… ¦Þ

                        motorboat your personality

                        look you in the eyes during a whoopee making session

                        talk your dad into letting you date me

                        leave the fan on in the bathroom so your nose isn't offended

                        admit his life mission is to get blown like a Nintendo cartridge

                        won't draw graffiti on you when you pass out

                        use Nair for you

                        hold your hand and purse at a biker bar

                        pretend he didn't hear the queef

not care that your mom is in the other room and whether or not she can hear us

sleep in the wet spot

not tell anyone about the time you tried to make out with that homeless guy

hold your purse when you go shopping

hold your hair when you are throwing up

cuddle with you and spoon

accept your mom's friend request on Facebook

take down my Scarface poster for you

want to be more than friends with benefits

smell test your clothes to see if they are clean

help you hide a body

DP you with just myself

tea bag a shark for you

slap my dick thigh to thigh just like the drum thing in Karate Kid 2

teach you to go “up the river” and never “across the street”

go halfsies on those special procedures

play the drums for Bel Biv Deboe’s “Poison” on my stomach

be your study-buddy for a pregnancy test

admit they are strong enough for a man but built for a woman

think of you while I have “private time”

that will say he loves you…giggle

tuck and untuck for you with no hands

never pee in the pool

never shy away from an erection that you caused

never ask to kiss his pooch if he licks your kitten

ask if it’s ok to date one of your friends after we’ve broken up

stop calling his crotch “Fornication Festival”

apologize for my drunken antics

put your name inside a heart in my Trapper Keeper

love you even if you don’t love me

say he loves your boobs

sit through one of your chick-flicks as long as I get compensated

admit that you always have me at ¾ erect

whisper that he doesn’t believe in karma but loves you and the kama sutra

put out before the first date

introduce you to my “Vlad the Impaler”

“accidentally” brush up against you just to feel your luscious breasts

Give you mouth hugs

Tea-bag you with a sugar coated bag

Never force you into a threesome unless it’s you, me and a friend doing the dishes

Take a time out from a whoopee making session to use my inhaler

Paint my thingee red if you are a true doggystyle aficionado

Vote for you in Xanga’s popularity contest and actually care about you afterward.

Be like crayola

Dear reader, am I a catch or what? Will you marry me?

By the way, I took such a massive shit this morning that it clogged my toilet and I had to use a plunger.  After I thought I had it unclogged, I gave it another flush and it clogged again.  I felt 20 pounds lighter.  Does this ever happen to you? 

Winner of the Godfather's search for an internet bride will receive an autographed photo and a husband.

It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions.  I am glad to be back with my cock after his bout with fatigue.  And for those of my new readers, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns

Me: Hey, Cocky, how are you doing?
Cocky:  I am full of vim and vigor.
Me: I've noticed you have been quite active as of late.  Is that because of our sponsor's gifts?
Cocky:  No, I raided your nightstand and took a few of those pills from the bottle labeled pick me ups.
Me: Well did you leave any?
Cocky:  Actually I was hoping you would get me some more.
Me: Hmmmm not like I actually need them.
Cocky:  Yeah your bed has been quite bare as of late.
Me: Yes, I guess I haven't had a lot going on because I have so much weighing on my mind.
Cocky:  May as well go to the doctor to have your nads removed now.
Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.

Questions with the Godfather and Cocky is brought to you by:

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: I'm cocked, locked, and ready to unload some life-changing advice.
Me: Alright, on to the letters...

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a middle-aged woman who enjoys her B.O.B.! How often do you think is too often? And, as a cock, are you offended by my behavior?
                                          Carolyn in Cashton

Me: I have often been under the assumption that there can never be too much of something but I think if you are changing batteries on a daily basis then maybe you need to put it down
Cocky: Yeah and grab me.  I love being mouth hugged.
Me: Cocky...what do you mean...hugged?
Cocky: Hugged with a mouth but seriously in this economy we have to scrimp and save and if your battery operated boyfriend is going through more batteries then you can afford you better hang it up.  When I was in my state of not being able to get up in the morning, the henhouse had an extremely large number of cucumbers and carrots sitting outside.  And if you have any enemies, make them a salad.  By the way, I take no offense as long as I get some mouth hugs.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
About three years ago, my husband and I bought an above ground pool for the kids.  They love it and I have to admit it is a blessing on those summer days when the temperature gets above 80.  The problem is my husband.  If he isn't in the pool swimming, he is cleaning it or tinkering with the filters.  I can't spend all my time with him out by the pool because by the end of summer I'll look like a lobster!  What should I do?
                                                                          Barbara in Baraboo
Me:  That is a tough question.  I would be upfront with him and tell him that he is spending too much time with the pool and not with his spouse.  You might want to get rid of the kids for the night and have a pool party of your own and talk things over.
Cocky: Can you believe it?  The Milwaukee Bucks traded for Corey Maggette.  Do they really think they can win with that douche?  He's a bigger cock than I.
Me: Cocky, Barbara asked us a question. 
Cocky:  OK...pool...summer...husband...tinkering...lobster...here's what you do; you disassemble the filtration device and place each piece leading to your bedroom and then you are waiting in bed with the last piece and when your husband comes in dumbfounded as to why his wife is lying naked on the bed with a disassmebled pool filter, you say, "Hey, big boy, why don't you take out that stick and measure my ph balance."

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                          Pissed Off in Plum City
Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

How would you seduce a woman after sleeping with her daughter?

                                    Seducer in Seneca

Me: Really?  These are the type of question we’re asked?  Maybe opening up to formspring wasn’t the best way to go.

Cocky: Quit bitching…you’re lucky people come to us with their problems.  See what you just tell her you want to get to know her daughter better by being inside the same vagina that her daughter came out of.

Me: Cocky, that is horrible.

Cocky: And you’re not getting any so what now?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

If you could go back in time to sleep with 1 person, who would it be?

                                    Wanker in Wonewoc

Me: Typically I wouldn’t answer this but I’d have to say Golda Meir

Cocky: What the fuck?  Golda Meir?

Me: Hey, power is an aphrodisiac.  So I suppose you have someone better.

Cocky:  Yes, Elivra when I was 5…not when she was 5 but when I was 5 because that is when she was at her best.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Can you teach me to be a gangster?

                                    Student in Steubenville

Me: Well what you want to do is go watch as many episodes of ----

Cocky: The Sopranos.  You are so predictable.

Me: Well how can you teach him to be a gangster?

Cocky: You can’t learn, it’s something you’re born with.

Me: Am I a gangster?

Cocky:  Yes, in some place like Candyland

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I heard that you two were working on a rap album.  When is it dropping?

                                    Rapper in Rapid City

Me: Well that plan has been scratched because I am fearful of the gang violence that would escalate because of all the groups Cocky calls out on the album.

Cocky: Oh it’s gonna drop as soon as the Godfather’s balls drop.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I’m Asian.  Can I drive your car?

                                    Asian in Ashwabenon

Me: Formspring!

Cocky: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…answer the question

Me: I think this is a stupid question.

Cocky: Answer the question!

Me: OK…No, I will not let you drive my car.

Cocky: Racist

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.