So I am seriously thinking of driving past a line of people waiting for the Twilight movie and throwing garlic at them but as mentioned in a pulse it would probably only make them sparkle more.

It's cool to rub elbows with people at parties but not at urinals.

I had a fortune cookie with a fortune that said: "Relax and let your peers handle some of today’s actions."  So who wants to handle this one?

I have already heard people speculate about Chris Brown's performance at the BET awards were real and his tears were from the heart.  No, dumbass, his tears were from his eyes.

I like watching the Cubs play baseball.  It makes me feel better about myself.

Roses are red, and violets are in bloom. All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

I think the trophy wife would be a trophy for me.

Hugs don't feel good on the computer.
Life without bears would be unbearable.

Make sure you comment on my recent "girl" post.  Have a great day tomorrow.  I won't "see" you.  I have guv'ment training.

Girl...the time has come.

Come for what you may ask?  It's time that we take this to a whole new level. But before we go to that level I must pamper you like the princess that you are.  Girl, you're going to love what I have planned.

First, I have been making you a fine dinner.  It consists of chimichangas, green beans, and strawberries all for two because, girl, there is no one in my life besides you.  I suppose you should include my mechanic because, girl, he had to repair my chariot.  I had a leaky hose that was depositing water on the floor of my car.  No, girl, not that kind of leaky hose.  You have a dirty mind.  Damn!  Girl, you know I love that dirty mind.

I want to take you to another level maybe some sort of astral plane.  I will take you to the mystic land of nirvana with my cooking.  I took flour tortillas and I heated them over the open flame of my stove.  They are nice and crisp.  My mouth is watering, girl, not just at the food but at the site of you in that beautiful dress.  Is it the fine piece of craftsmanship that I bought for you at the Dress Barn?  That's right, girl, when I am out hanging with the boys, I am always thinking of you.  I am not embarassed to go to the Dress Barn especially not for my boo.

I smear some re-fried beans on these tortillas because they are so creamy just like your skin.  Yes, girl, I am comparing your skin to beans.  What you think about that?  I see you in everything.  That is how crazed I am with you girl.  The perfect amount of re-fried beans for each chimichanga is three tablespoons.  Once you have smeared the beans on the tortilla, you sprinkle the finest of aged cheddar cheese on them.  Of course the cheese has to come from Wisconsin.  Then you take the edges of the chimis and you fold them to the center.  Girl, I studied origami so I could make you this meal.  The chimichangas are fold like the bomb because they need to hold in all the succulent flavors so that you can get maximum pleasure.

Girl...the time has come for me to heat some oil.  Once it gets to optimal boiling temperature, I drop those chimis in and I let them fry for one and a half minutes or until they are the color of your sun-soaked skin.  Damn girl, these are hot just like you.  Once they are out of the oil, I set them on some Bounty paper towels to soak up the oil because Bounty is the quicker, thicker picker-upper.  Maybe BP should drop some Bounty on the oil spill.  Damn, girl, I'm getting all political and shit.

Girl...the time has no come for me to make the green beans.  I take down a can of Jolly Green Giant green beans and open it with the finest of can openers.  Once the can is opened I dump the green beans in a pot and put them over some heat on the stove.  When they are done, I look into your eyes and sing, "Ho..ho..ho.." NO, girl, don't get sad.  I am not insinuating that you are a woman with loose morals.  I am simply singing their slogan.  Girl, I would never insult you unless you wanted me to as some sort of sexual fantasy.  I am all about pleasing you and taking this to a whole new level.

The beans and the chimichangas are finished so it's time to eat.  Girl, I even bought some bubbly for this evening but it contains no alcohol.  It is some Welch's sparkling grape juice.  I don't want your senses dulled on our journey to a whole new level.  I also made brown Kool-Aid.  Girl, don't be scurred to drink the brown Kool-Aid.  I simply combined orange and grape Kool-Aid.  Brown is the most delectable of all Kool-Aid flavors.  Dig in, girl, and the feast that I have prepared for you. 

Girl, I see you looking around for the third part of our feast.  That is dessert and you have to eat all your chimichanga and green beans before you can have your dessert.  Girl...the time has come for dessert.  I bewilder you when I come back to the kitchen, which is illuminated by some strawberry scented candles that I purchased at the Dollar Tree, holding not only strawberries but also whipped cream and chocolate sauce.  Girl, I want you to be rested up for our trip to a whole new level so I will feed you myself.  First I take a strawberry and I dip it in the whipped cream.  I then lightly swirl it around your lips.  Then I plunge the luscious strawberry into your mouth.  Damn, girl, this is hot especially you licking the whipped cream off your lips.  Next it's time for some chocolate syrup.  Girl, lean back your head and open your mouth.  You do realize that will not be the only time you hear that phrase tonight.  Oops I got some on your chin and on your cleavage.  No, don't reach for the Bounty paper towels.  In this case my tongue is the quicker picker-upper.

Girl...the time has come for me to do the dishes.  Go relax in the living room and watch some TV while I clear the table and wash the dishes.  For your viewing pleasure, I have my favorite episode of Family Guy in the DVD player.  Watch it and laugh.  Your laughter will help take us to a whole new level.  I wash my dishes by hand so I have to soak them in some water with Dawn.  I find that Dawn gets all the grime off plates and pans the best.  Plus, it's lemon scented and, girl, you love when my hands are scented like citrus.  Girl, I hear your laughter.  It pleases me.

The dishes will air dry because it is now time for us to begin our trek to the next level.  I come in and shut off the TV and DVD player and turn on my stereo.  The cd in the tray is one I made special for this evening.  I pull you out of the Lay-Z-Boy recliner and pull you close to me as the sweet soulful voice of Barry White fills my house.  Yes, girl, you are my first, my last, and my everything.  MMM, I love that scent you are wearing.  Is it Clinique?  Damn, girl, you know my favorite perfume.  You are ready for our journey.  Smell my hands.  You love lemons, right?  Oh you also love my cologne?  Well I don't like to brag but it is Armani Code.  Well, it's an imitation of Armani Code that I picked up at the Dollar Tree but it has made you notice my zesty essence.

Girl, may I have this dance?  You know this is so relaxing and there is nowhere I would rather be than in my house dancing with you on my hardwood floors that I polished for this occasion with Bona Hi-Gloss Hardwood Floor Polish.  Girl, I can see your smile in the reflection on the floor.  You are taking off for that new level.  But slow down, girl, this is a adventure for two.

I grab the CD as we head for my bedroom.  Girl, we need music for our magical excursion on the highway of gettin' it on.  Girl, I will let you walk upstairs first so I can enjoy your booty as it goes up the stairs.  Damn, girl, you are fine.  Do you like my bedroom?  I got plastic rose petals on my bed.  I picked them up at Dollar Tree as well.  Girl, you seemed dismayed that I do so much shopping at the Dollar Tree.  You shouldn't.  The economy is rough out there and I have to be a playa on a budget.  The money I saved at the Dollar Tree went to buy you this golden necklace that I got from my guy, Leon.  You remember Leon.  He has the shop on the corner in the back of his conversion van.  I took this to a jeweler and he guaranteed that you would love it.  Girl, put it on.

Why, you are welcome, girl.  Let me get a kiss for being so considerate in these times of economic hardship.  Damn, I can taste the feast I prepared for you on your lips.  Now, I have another feast prepared.  Lay down and feel the silkiness of my silk sheets.  I see you have goosebumps.  Well, the time is here for our journey to begin.  Let me put on the music.  Oh yeah, Jamiroquai!  He has such sexy beats.  My passion for you is boiling.  I must have you.  Soon your moans will drown out the sound of Jamiroquai as will the sound of my testicles slapping against your bare skin.

Girl, you have been taken to a whole new level.

Damn!

(This is the third in a series.  The first can be found here and the second can be found here.  I have found that these are incredibly difficult to write when I am not in love.  How's that for romance?)