Band Name: USS Enterprise XCV 330
Album Title: The Pains of Stupidity

Make your band's album cover: 1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random” (It's in the left-hand column) The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band. 2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album. 3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. 4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together. 5 - Post it to Xanga with this text in the "caption" or "comment"

So today I went to a church picnic and someone brought beer and one led to 4 and 4 led to 20 and now I am sobered...that should read, I filled up on cheese and beans.  I'm ready for blast-off.

Well the books was "Everybody Poops".

This is the first space shuttle that our government is planning to send to Uranus.

The secret ingredient on Iron Chef America is.....BUTT MUD!

Twilight has hit a new low.

This is the only way we can stop Twilight.

That is pretty creepy.

UMMMMMM

Waldo sure is getting easy to find these days.

50 Centaur is a rap sensation in Narnia.

KFC has teamed up for a new promotion with Pepto Bismal because as the new slogan says, "Can't Have One Without the Other."

Maybe he speaks softly and carries a big stick.

Oddly I find both somewhat sexy.

I'll be honest, I was their best customer until I reported them for false advertising.

What a simple cure-all?  Somehow that could fix our economy.

Things are picking up down at Dahmer Construction Company.

"Are you sure this doesn't make my pussy look huge?"

Now he is a true facebook addict.

He's threatening to kill himself because the other guy is such a bad shot.

Have a sober and safe Sunday.

I didn't post this last night because I was at some cancer benefit.  My church roped me into selling pulled pork sandwiches.  It was quite interesting how people just shell out money for charities even though we are in this rough economy.  I think it's because all the money stays in our town and it's not part of a national organization.  Anyway, it was just interesting.  Now to bash celebrities.  Remember some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

OK now you are probably wondering why I am posting a guy's ass.  Well for all the nudity of a feminine nature I figure I owe something to my female readers.  This is from the season premier of True Blood.  I have yet to figure out why I don't watch that show.  It could be that I don't have HBO.  Anyway this photo reminded me of my college experiences.  I have a rock hard butt and girls like to touch it.  Next...

WTF is wrong with Tori Spelling?  Someone please give her a steak and take away her silicone.

WTF!  Is Tom Brady purposely trying to look like Justin Bieber?  Seriously I am going to try out for the Jets or Dolphins just so I have a chance to beat the shit out of him.  I wouldn't try out for the Bills because...well the Bills aren't that good.  Even I have standards.

Here's some more for the ladies especially considering a photo I have posted later in this entry.  Taylor Lautner is complaining that everywhere he goes female fans are yelling at him to take off his shirt.  OK, girls, mix it up.  Yell at him to take off his top.  Us pieces of meat like a variety of words thrown at us.  He is supposedly so upset with women asking him to take off his shirt so what does the idiot do but pose topless for GQ.  And you wonder why I hate the Twilight kids.

With all the problems in the United States going on like BP oil spill getting worse by the minute, wars being fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and me being single, Sarah Palin answered the toughest question she has ever been asked.  She said, no, she does not have breast implants and that they are 100% real.  OK, Sarah, here's a tip.  You never address rumors like that.  Not once have you seen me address the rumors that I am the world's greatest lover.  See you have to leave people in suspense and shade yourself in a shadow of mystery plus I don't want my grandma reading about my conquests.

R Kelly performed at the World Cup's opening ceremonies.  I laughed when I saw his back-up dancers' attire.  Are those rain ponchos?  Given that R is onstage they probably are.  How did they get R Kelly to perform?  Well they told them that in the country of Madagascar, South Africa's neighbor, the age of consent is 14.  R Kelly did the concert for free as long his accommodations were in Madagascar.

This week Pink was photographed drinking whiskey in Berlin.  Wow, that really reminds me of my dad.  Not the alcohol consumption but the frosted tips and pink fingernails...sigh.

Perez Hilton should be going to jail because of Miley Cyrus.  Last weekend, Perez posted a photo of Miley exiting a vehicle not very ladylike.  Miley, of course, was not wearing underwear.  So basically, because she is under 18, Perez posted child pornography.  The first step he should take, in accordance to Megan's Law, is notify every internet user that he is a sex offender and that includes everyone on Xanga.  Remember that whole prank?  Also, if you look closely at Miley's ear you can see what else she was up to this week.  She had the word "love" tattooed inside her ear.  Why did she get that tattooed in her ear?  Because she is a teenager with an $800million allowance.  This whole Cyrus parenting style of letting a teen daughter live on her own keeps getting better and better.

Megan Fox is very weird.  She posed for a magazine spread with a mannequin made in her likeness.  I bet she got confused as to which one was really her.

Hey, girls, be jealous.  That is Megan showing off her 18 inch waist in the new movie Jonah Hex, which has been given horrible reviews mostly because of her.  The critics are saying the movie is the worst of the summer and if you take away all the flashback scenes and credits, the movie is less than an hour long.  Even though Megan is only on screen for about 10 minutes, it is absolutely horrible.  Thanks to Megan Fox for ruining another one of my favorite childhood icons.  I wonder how many girls will take this photo of her and force themselves to throw up so they can have an 18 inch waist.  Way to be a role-model Megan!

Former NBA player Manute Bol(left) died today at the age of 47.  He had complications from a skin disease he contracted in Africa which led to kidney failure.  Manute was one of the tallest players in NBA history and I swear the guy never dunked.  He was 7'6" and struggled to dunk.  I would love to have a time machine so I could have an in his prime Shaquille O'Neal go one on one against Manute.  It would be no contest.  I still love how Manute is in one of my NBA video games and I made him into a scoring machine yet he would never dunk.  Manute will be greatly missed.

Lindsay Lohan mentioned in an interview that she is going to audition for a part on the hit show True Blood.  The producers of True Blood immediately said there is no place for Lindsay on their show.  I think, because of all her problems, Lindsay Lohan couldn't get a job playing Lindsay Lohan.

In other Lindsay Lohan news...it appears as if she is bulking up.  I bet it's because she's given up trying to stay sober and figures she'll eventually be imprisoned.  I approve.  Oh I should specify.  I approve of her bulking up because I like a bigger girl.  Basically I hate the coked-out stick-figure whore look.  I also approve of her being imprisoned.

Ke$ha said this in a recent interview: "Sometimes I'll walk my dogs and fill bags full of massive dog shit. Then I'll wrap them as Christmas presents and give them to people."  I guess there are worse things she could hand out at Christmas, namely her CD.

GOD BLESS AMERICA LAND THAT I....WHAT?  Katy Perry wore this dress in London last week for the United States and England soccer match.  She claims she was split because she is from America and her boyfriend, Russell Brand, is from Britain.  I'd like to split Katy.  She wears this hot rubber dress to get me excited about soccer but so far jacking off hasn't really made me want to watch the World Cup any more than usual.

I really think Katy has a rubber fetish.  It's a good thing she dresses like this because, for me, her music is intolerable.

ABC is pursuing Kate Gosslein to be the next Bachelorette, which means they are now working with Satan.  If one were to take a mental health survey and they would check yes next to the question "Would you date Kate Gosslein" they would be institutionalized immediately.  I'm hoping they film dates at an S&M club because Kate seems to be a dominatrix and inflect pain on all males.

The girl on the left caused a bar to be raided because people mistook her for Justin Bieber and couldn't believe that someone so young could be drinking.  I would grab a gun if someone said I looked like the Bieb.  I wonder if she is a lesBiebian.

Justin Bieber wasn't anywhere near that bar because he was in the Bahamas posing in a photoshoot with Kim Kardashian.  Kim is now getting death threats from the Bieber Maniacs because his fans don't like her and don't want her to be with Justin.  Well she does look like one of my old babysitters and he's a baby so I guess this makes sense that they do a photoshoot together. 

This is Julianne Hough and she is allegedly dating Ryan Seacrest.  His penis hit the lottery.  She claims it is nothing serious.  It seemed serious to me when I crawled into her crawl space and took photos of her and Ryan in a loving embrace.

Jimmy Dean died this week at the age of 81.  He was a country music singer but he is best known for putting breakfast sausage on tables across this great nation.  Apparently his sausage is good for you if he lived to be 81.  I hope he will live on through the ages with his sausage and not IN his sausage.  Jimmy Dean will be greatly missed.

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  Jeremy London claims that a gang kidnapped him, forced him to smoke crack, and then made him buy them alcohol.  Heard it before?  It was a plot to an episode of Six Feet Under.  Jeremy has had his issues with substance abuse and probably has watched a little too much HBO.  And guess what, Lindsay Lohan is reading this and thinking "Why didn't I think of that excuse?"

HOLYWOOD SUCKS!  This movie is getting remade with a Disney girl in the lead.  Seriously, they have run out of ideas.  Just wait until next year when the Iron Man movie remake is released.

Eminem is claiming that he is no longer homophobic but is all for gay marriage.  Maybe he is just trying to tell us something.  Oh well, I still hate his regurgitated pop music.

Dina Lohan went to Carvels this week and had a meltdown. (see what I did there?)  She called the cops because a worker at Carvels refused to give her any ice cream.  She claims she has a free promotional card.  Yes, they did give one to Ali and Lindsay but not to Dina.  It must be good to be famous.  Free all you can eat ice cream for life is the best perk a celebrity could have.  The cop back the card and told Dina never to return.  Never fuck with the Cookie Puss.

Thursday ended in a Y so Coco had to post a sexy photo on Twitter.  Actually Thursday on her Twitter are called "Thong Thursdays".  I think I found out who stole my dental floss.

Oh, Chaz Bono, you've really changed.  How many times have you heard this story?  A guy gets his vagina removed, gets a penis, and then lets himself go.  It's so sad.

This week someone stole one of Charlie Sheen's cars and pushed it over a cliff.  The funny thing is that this is the second time that has happened in the past four months.  He claims that he forgot the keys in the car.  I think he is possibly morphing into his character on Two and a Half Men and is passing out from all the drinking.  Either that or bossom buddies Nick Nolte and Gary Busey are out stealing cars so they can recreate their favorite scenes from "Thelma and Louise".

You have to admit that Betty White is hot.  There is no argument.  Well some people are claiming that Betty is hot and NAUGHTY.  They claim that they are in possession of photos of her and her former husband Alan Luden in sexual positions.  I can't believe those stories because they didn't have cameras back then.

Did you know the Muppets on Sesame Street are on Twitter?  Well they share a Twitter account and this week Bert made a tweet that inched him one step closer out of the closet.  I can't wait for that day. "Ernie and I have been in a committed relationship for years and we are planning to adopt Elmo and raise him in a loving and completely gay household."

Barry Manilow turned 67 this week.  Well it looks like he made it to 67 despite those tight suffocating pants.  Why, yes, I am a nerd.

Bam Margera was released from the hospital earlier this week after he was assaulted and hit in the head with a baseball bat.  The woman who assaulted him claims that after she asked Bam to turn down the music at his bar, he called her the n-word.  That's when she brought a baseball bat and hammered him in the head.  Bam's mom says he's innocent and would never say that word.  Obviously she never watches what he is capable of in his TV shows.  I just hope the blow to the head knocked some sense into that dipshit.

The Twitter War has begun!  Shortly after Coco posted her photo, Adrienne Curry responded with this photo.  A Twitter war will not be good and there will only be one clear winner...ME!

I was going to post a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Every Rose has its Thorn" but because Bret Michaels has already been through enough and the video has been taken away from youtube, consider yourself saved.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Another week of links for my beautiful readers.  It was an interesting day here in Lake Woebegon.  I was awakened by a phone call from a frantic Census worker.  "Godfather, you're our only hope."  And by our, I mean the United States.  The scanner ate forms so they called me in to go to houses and do more Census forms.  I guess it's because I look intimidating and people don't mess with Census worker Knuckles.  It was my most productive day working for the Census so go figure.  I guess people responded to me showing up at their house wearing a Ramones t-shirt.  My golden raspberry plant is looking great as are my tomatoes and peppers.  Hopefully the tornadoes stay away from me tonight.  Anyway enough babbling, here's your links.

1.  Old people are awesome and here is proof.  I think they got one of my grandmas in there.

2.  Who knew baseball was so embarrassing?  It's fitting that a Brewer is number one.

3.  Here are some fun ads from Durex, the condom company. 

4.  Joe Barton apologized for the hearing today where the CEO of BP was grilled and he called it a shakedown.  Later he retracted his apology.  Here are some other things Barton is apologizing for...thanks bosefius

5.  I took this sexuality quiz and apparently I'm normal.

6.  The Miss Hooters Canada contest was held recently.  Do I need to say anymore?

7.  Do you want to do freaky things to your head and still pass drug tests?  Here's some fun tricks you can play without hallucinogenics.

8.  I've always found Google Maps to be intriguing.  It's cool when people do extraordinary things for the Maps so that everyone in the world can see.  Here are some of the best images captured on Google Maps.  It's amazing how many penises there are out there.

9.  I found this site one day when I typed into Google "Reasons why I shouldn't have kids".  It's called Shit My Kids Ruined.  I am just about set to make the vasectomy appointment.  I like how the site calls it the strongest visual birth control on the net.

10.  I should have put this one first but this is a special World Cup link.  You know those crazy vuvuzelas?  Well now you can surf the internet while experiencing what the players are going through.  Also, if you have Twitter, you can follow the vuvuzela.  And finally, someone went to painstaking effort to recreate the goals from the US/England game...with LEGOS!

11.  Now that the NBA season is 1 minute from being over(LIVE BLOGGING FOR THE WIN...not FTW because the local biker gang insists that stands for Fuck the World) prepare yourselves for the shitstorm that will be the pending LeBron James free agency.  I HATE LEBRON JAMES!

12. I know someone posted these before but I loved the site.  They take classic music albums and animate them.  I can't get enough.

I so want to get this job


It's good to see that Aunt Flo, Period Penny, and Menstruating Millie got to see the World Cup but it's too bad they spent the whole time bitching and complaining.

Cocky and I are back.  In case you don't remember, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  He's feisty and he's Scottish and he is ready to unload his wisdom all over the place.

Me:  Cocky, how have you been.
Cocky:  Pretty tired.
Me:  How so?
Cocky:  Well I haven't felt like getting up lately.  No matter how much you would push or pull on me, I just wanted to lay down and be lifeless.
Me:  And now you are feeling better?
Cocky:  Hell yeah, I am on some new medicine that has me darting up every morning without that lifeless feeling.
Me: What's your medicine?
Cocky:  Viagra.

Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin.  Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear!  CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Recently a right-winger likened me to a prostitute.  My response was "At least the men who come to my street corner have a penis, unlike you."  Was there a way I could have handled this better.
                                                                    Red Light Rebecaa in Reedsburg,

Me: Way to stand your ground!  I figure that if someone insults you like that then they don't have much upstairs to debate with so your response is very proper.
Cocky:  OK, I have been hanging around Reedsburg for plenty of time.  Which street corner do you work on?  I bet it is by the old movie theater that was destroyed in the flood.  I hear a lot of unsavory activity goes on inside.  Me being a luscious full-bodied cock, I'm just too savory for that place.  Anyway the last girl I picked up in Reedsburg didn't suffer from the problem of your right-winger there.  I should have made sure I was buying a taco instead of a footlong hot dog before I paid.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out just exactly how one manages to steal the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Can you please tell me where in the world Carmen San Diego is so that I might ask her?
                                                                               Thief in Thiensville,

Me: Such a masterpiece of art would most likely crumble should anyone try to remove it from where it is.  I think you and Ms. San Diego should just let it be.
Cocky: Too late. I got dibs on that one. Me and some chicks pulled a heist once, and let's just say the "Mona Lisa" you see there, is actually an elaborate copy maid out of dyed chicken feathers. As for Carmen Sandiego, any fool can find her with the handy internet device known as Google Maps.  She's hiding in the basement at 579 Lake Street in the town of
*flowerpot falls between myself and Cocky*
Me:  We must be getting closer
Cocky:  Oh my god, you are such a nerd.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My daughter just turned 6, she is not a bed-wetter, but she did get up in the middle of the night to urinate in her closet.  Her dad and uncle both sleepwalked when they were small. Is this something I should be concerned about?
                                         Sleepy in Sleepy Eye
Me: This may not be something to be overly concerned with.  It just may be an isolated incident.  The overall thing you want to focus on is your daughter's safety.  One thing that you may want to investigate is the stress level of your daughter.  Did she lose a friend?  Did she start a new school?  Has anything changed from her usual routine?  Look into those and make sure she is safe.
Cocky: Lady you are asking the expert on doing strange things in his sleep.
Me: What do you mean?
Cocky: Oh you forgot that incident in college where you urinated all over your dorm neighbor's refrigerator?
Me: In my defense, I was drunk.
Cocky: Oh yeah...what about sleepturbating?
Me: OK I don't see what that has to do with anything.  The mother should be concerned about her daughter's safety.
Cocky: And what about your safety?  You could be blinded by your sleeping activities.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What is the million dollar question?

                                    Bucks in Buxton

Me: If I had the million dollar question then I would know the answer and then I would be able to quit this gig and get away from Cocky.

Cocky: I will never leave you.  By the way the million dollar question is “What is $5+$999,995?”

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What is the best way to buy a girl a drink at a bar?

                                    Conversation Starter in Castle Rock

Me: Observe what a girl drinks or how she and her friends are acting.  Yes, it seems stalkerish but you can judge what a girl will drink by how she acts at a bar.  When all else fails, offer her a shot.

Cocky: God, do you want the guy to ever get laid?

Me: That wasn’t the question.

Cocky: “That wasn’t the question?” OK here’s what you do.  You go up to the girl you want to buy a drink.  Take her drink, chug it, and then ask her if you can buy her another. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky

Who will win the World Cup?

                                    Soccer Nut in Sanborn

Me: Watching the opening games I would have to say the most dominant performance goes to Germany and they are always my favorites.

Cocky: I hope the real winners are the two girls.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I dropped some gum on my pubes. How do I get it out painlessly?

                                    Painful in Pecatonica

Me: I think the only option here is to shave off the pubes.

Cocky:  Well if you want to get it out use ice and chip away the gum.  Peanut butter also works but I wouldn’t recommend that if you have a dog.  They love peanut butter.

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.

So last night, after my Xanga jones was quenched, I decided to settle down with a movie.  I curled up on the couch to watch "Audition".  This was a HUGE mistake.  I guess Takshi Miike movies are not movies to watch at night nor are they good to watch any time of the day.  This movie has shyed me away from dating or at least holding auditions to find a girlfriend.

You know how that prince from Cinderella went around looking for the woman whose foot fit in the glass slipper?  Well I'm going around looking for a girl with the license plate: BJS 247.

Who wants me to come to their house and drink beer?  High quality is preferred.

I figure I don't need a fancy XBOX 360 when I can play a regular XBOX while using a sit-n-spin.

I have a strange feeling that Gary Busey and Nick Nolte are re-enacting Thelma and Louise with Charlie Sheen's cars.

Anyone watching the World Cup?  How about those vuvuzelas?  I don't care if FIFA bans them as long as I can still get blown like one.

Here's your dose of weekly motivation:






Tact is for people who aren't witty.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Hey, it's great that the University of Nebraska entered the Big Ten but they better be ready for a cornholing when they play the Badgers.

And this one goes out to a banana:

Have a great whatever...I love you guys

Wow, it seems like just last week Xanga was all messed up and no one could upload photos or audio.  Wait, it was last week.  I done uploaded some tunes and now you are going to listen to them...well you don't have to listen to them but READER WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM! OK, that's out of my system...maybe I should do the old "recommend if you are really my friend" routine.  Here be the mash-ups for all 2 of you that are interested.

This mash-up combines Matisyahu with John Lennon, Blink 182, and Bob Marley.  It's such an odd combination but it works for me.  I really enjoy Matisyahu.  He is my favorite Hasidic rapper.  We share the same Hebrew name: מתיסיהו...so I guess that counts for something.  Honestly this mash-up has made me start thinking positively about Blink 182.

This is one of two WTF mash-ups this week.  It contains some salsa music combined with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana.  As I have mentioned countless times before, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is one of the most mashed songs out there.  It's amazing how it is used here but after listening to it a few times I began to be thankful that Kurt Cobain never became a washed-up act. If he did this song would be him right about now performing in Las Vegas lounge shows.

The other WTF mash-up..."Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne mashed with "Take On Me" by A-Ha.  Oh man, this one is just so out there yet it works.  It made bring up horrible images of Disco Train aka Ozzy's cover of "Stayin' Alive".  The coolness Ozzy lost with me for not being able to control his bladder and covering "Stayin' Alive" has been regained by this mash-up.

OK so here is a photo of me in my football gear.  That was taken years ago and sadly that is the only photo I have of myself.  I used it as my comment pic but someone said it was tiny...I get that a lot.

I've had a few people ask about my cats...here they are sitting next to me while I am using the computer.

Lua loves to stand in my living room window and stare at the birds and squirrels feeding at my feeders.

I didn't catch it in time but Kiki was trying to carry one of my sandals up the stairs.

I found this street near the Hasbro board games factory...actually it's the street where a casino is located in Iowa.

HALLELUJAH!

I am trying to figure out which one I like the best.  TV fans may recognize the design of the second plate...HELLO WISCONSIN!

Yes,  it's a little late but I had a busy weekend.  Friday morning I woke up and I was in such a pissy mood and I think it was because of a dream, a lame dream at that.  It revolved around Xanga.  God, I am addicted once again and quite possibly Xangay.  Somehow Xanga decided that I was going to be the poster boy and go on a sponsored trip to find all my friends.  I think it was a payback for their lackluster service.  Anyway I was visiting a Xanga crush and she somehow knew that I was crushing on her.  We were sitting and talking when all of a sudden another Xangan walked in and she said, "OH great my boyfriend is here."  Saliva was exchanged and breasts were groped as I sat in the chair.  I got up to leave and she didn't know that a window was open.  I heard her say, "God, what a loser." And then she paid the guy for pretending to be her boyfriend.  I literally woke up to realizations about myself.

Saturday there was a huge Czechoslovakian celebration in my town.  I tried to gather a few German friends and break out our brown shirts so we could demand that the celebration be given to us.  Well I never got that ball rolling.  My dad played his accordion for some Czech singing or polka group and they gave him a gift for his service.  It was a misspelled teddy bear.  The misspelled ones were given as gifts but the properly spelled bears were sold.  He showed me the bear and it had a tag saying it was made by a prisoner at a local facility.  I got thinking how this was a horrible idea to have the inmates of said facility making teddy bears.  It's a prison for sex offenders. 

I went to a Mexican restaurant and ate myself silly and then saw a chain video store I used to frequent is closing.  By the time I got home I was exhausted.  Anyway...here's the round-up and as always some images are not safe for work or life...NSFW-NSFL

Victoria Silverstedt is a advertising campaign unto herself.  The only way she could advertise any greater would be if she had a neon sign over her with a price list.

Celebrity Rehab has been put on hold because they could get enough star power to have people interested.  What do you mean "star power"?  Tila Tequila had her own reality show that in the second season suffered such horrible ratings that no one really cared.  Another thing, who wants to do a show where a celebrity goes on air to reveal all their skeletons in their closet?  Oh yeah...washed up celebrities.  I think the best thing the people of VH-1 could do is to drop Tila off at a real rehab facility so that she would scare all the addicts straight.

Suri Cruise is better than you.  She has her own iPad.

An MTV production assistant spilled a bit of information that for a long time thought had to be transpiring.  Apparently cast members of all the MTV reality shows are given Valtrex, herpes medication, like they are M&Ms.  Is this really surprising?  I mean look at Jersey Shore and Real World.  The guys stick their dicks in anything with a pulse.  To benefit mankind, the production assistants should be handing out guns.

God...Amy Winehouse has let herself go.  Actually it's Russell Brand and you're welcome ladies.

The summer of death continues.  Rue McLanahan has died at the age of 76.  She will be greatly missed.  This means that Betty White is the last remaining Golden Girl.  Everyone, form a protective circle around Betty.  Oh and Betty had this to say about Rue's passing:  "Rue was a close and dear friend. I treasure our relationship. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, if that's even possible."

What the hell?  I don't know if I want to shave Rihanna's head or dip french fries in her hair.  The more I stare at her hair, the more I feel like I am looking at a dick.

Hey...Paris Hilton got a droopy implant to match her droopy eye.

FRAUD!  Olivia Munn revealed that she did not pose nude in her latest ad for PETA but was wearing clothes.  How can I support animal rights when she is clothed?  People will not stop wearing fur no matter how much PETA advertises and the best example is Kathy Griffin but that is only because she is afraid of razors.

How is this legal?  33 months ago Nick Hogan had a car accident and his passenger is still in a vegetative coma.  Nick is back to racing.  I guess he completely forgot how his friend now has to shit in a bag while he is negotiating a corner at 80mph.  I hate this guy, can't you tell?

Miley Cyrus caused a bit of a stir.  In some it was shock and in others it was a stir below the belt.  She kissed one of her back-up dancers who just happens to be female.  Mickey Mouse is so disappointed.  One of his hoes has let him down.  I can't understand why Miley does these things which she probably knows will cause problems.  Of course she's probably doing them for the attention.  The strange thing is, I sort of agree with Miley's blog.  The world does need more peace and we can attain that peace once Miley has her jaw wired shut.

An unknown female named Miley Cyrus walked into a clinic in London last week.  Miley really is a master of disguise because she claims for the first time in her life she is "normal".  I guess normal 17 year olds own their own house and live with their boyfriend.  I have a costume suggestion for Miley.  She should wear a unicorn horn the next time she has to go to the clinic to pick up her Plan B.

So this feels illegal and the terms of my future parole prevent me from making further comment.

This is Masuimi Max.  She is an American fetish model of German and Korean descent.  I just thought you might like to know.  DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!

Marky Mark turned 39 recently and to celebrate he grabbed his dick...COME ON COME ON!  You're welcome, ladies.

Evan Rachel Woods is dating Marilyn Manson...again.  What does he have that I don't?  Oh yeah, he's a priest in the church of Satan and he has millions of dollars.  Damn...foiled again.

Here is a description of Lindsay Lohan's new movie from the New York Post: Lindsay Lohan will be thoroughly degraded as "Deep Throat" porn star Linda Lovelace in the controversial upcoming movie "Inferno," according to Aerik Von, an employee of fetish Web site deadlydommes.com who claims to have read the screenplay.  Calling it akin to a "Lifetime horror film," Von told The Post's Mandy Stadtmiller that Lovelace's former husband, the legendarily brutal Chuck Traynor, is depicted as psychologically and physically torturing Lohan's character.  Before Traynor turns Lovelace into a hooker, he forces her into a gang-rape scenario with several businessmen -- one of whom hums a tune from "Mary Poppins" while fondling her breast.  Von says, "The movie's obviously designed to just outright disturb [with] the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions."

"Outright depraved perversion" and freaky sex with multiple partners? That doesn't sound like a script, that sounds like Lindsay's early-20s. Honestly, because her acting is going to be so damn convincing in this film, I wouldn't be surprised if Lindsay won 13 Oscars for this role. Meryl Streep better watch out.

Lindsay was bailed out again after an arrest warrant was issued because her SCRAM bracelet was activated when it detected alcohol last weekend at the MTV Awards.  Her mom claims that someone spilled a drink on her bracelet.  What the fuck is wrong with that family?

This is Lena Meyer Landrut.  She won the Eurovision contest for best song or something.  I don't know because normally I don't listen to music like that but when I saw her sing and celebrate she stole my hard-on heart.

Wow...Lance Bass sure has come a long ways since 'N Sync.  He looks like one of Robert Palmer's back-up dancers who stole Christina Aguilera's make-up.

Lady Gaga wore this outfit to her sister's high school graduation.  All I can think is: MORTAL KOMBAT!  Doesn't she look like Raiden?  If you are a Lady Gaga fan, do yourself a favor and find a time-machine and go back to 1985 and look for someone named Madonna.  Could you imagine sitting behind her at the graduation ceremony?

Usually I don't have anything good to say about Kristen Stewart so here is some cleavage to get your motors going.  Oh I almost forgot...a rape-survival group lashed back at Kristen's comment that she felt like she was being raped by the paparazzi because they take her photograph.  Kristen apologized.  Maybe I shouldn't have used this photo.

Here we see Kim Kardashian with a mystery man that some people are claiming is her new boyfriend.  I don't buy it because something seems off about him compared to Kim's other boyfriends.  He's not a rapper or an NFL star.

Katy Perry performed at the MTV movie awards.  And the winner is...let me open the envelope...US!  Hooray for boobs!

Kate Moss recently spent another typical Memorial Day weekend at the beach.  I guess it would have been odd if she was wearing a top.

Johnny Depp turned 47 recently despite my attempt to make people believe he died.  Shortly after this photo was taken, the dog bit him, which caused Depp to turn "dark" and then he sacrificed the dog.  So I lied...I'm just jealous.

Jason Bateman and Dustin Hoffman were at the NBA Finals and they showed Miley Cyrus how to properly do a same-sex kiss.  You know what...Foreigner can finally quit singing "I Want to Know What Love is" because this is the textbook definition.

Wow...Jennifer Aniston sure has let herself go.  Actually it's Iggy Pop but the funny thing about this is, recently George Clooney's fiance posted a message on Twitter saying that Jennifer looked just like Iggy Pop.  I don't know who should be more insulted.  Jennifer or Iggy? 

HELLO...kitty...wow, Hayden Panettiere is just so perfect.  Too bad I won't get to see her on Heroes any longer.  Damn you, NBC!

At the time of his death, Gary Coleman was divorced from Shannon Price.  Things aren't adding up with this.  I heard the 911 tape and she is such a cunt not wanting to check on him because there is blood every where.  In an interview after the death she first said that doctors advised her to pull the plug on Gary because they say he would have bled to death during surgery and then she says that she pulled the plug because she didn't want him to be a vegetable.  She also claimed in her interview that she hates the fact that people are claiming she pushed him down the stairs.  NO ONE ACCUSED HER OF PUSHING HIM DOWN STAIRS!  Lately she has seemed more interested in defending herself than mourning her ex-husband.  Also while Gary was on life support she hired a photo crew to come in and take photos so she could sell them to tabloids.  What...the...fuck?

This...is totally tasteless.  If God is just, he'll hit this bitch with a bus tomorrow and dump her ass on Satan's doorstep.

Dennis Hopper died at age 74 after a long battle with cancer.  He will be greatly missed and hopefully not remembered for being King Koopa.  Either way...pour out a PBR in his honor.

Demi Moore recently said that the way women can keep their men happy and how older women can keep younger lovers from straying is to always be willing to have sex and have soft amber lights installed in the bedroom.  I'm not a doctor but I'm fairly certain that Demi is on the right track.  There are certain types of jobs a woman could do to please her man...ironing and cooking?  Just kidding...is there any wonder why I am single and my dream Xanga crush pays someone to pretend to be a significant other?

You know Courtney Love actually looks acceptable and no, she's not holding a gun to my head.  I also want to say she looks awfully calm but that's probably all the gorilla sedatives she takes.

I am beginning to think that Coco's sole purpose in life is to show off every square inch of her skin from every angle possible one photo posted on Twitter at a time.  Thank god for Twitter.

Officials in Great Britain denied Chris Brown entrance into their country because of his recent crime.  To show what a big man he is, Chris canceled his entire tour.  Poor Chris Brown, he beats the crap out of Rihanna and he can't get into the UK.  Damn, life is tough.  But you know who else the UK didn't let enter their country?  Hitler.  I'm not sure if there is a connection but I'm sure there is.  Chris Brown hates women as did Hitler.  Chris Brown wears pants as did Hitler.  Yes, there is a connection.  Now if we could just find out if Chris Brown enjoys women defecating upon his chest.

Canada's greatest export, Celine Dion, announced she is pregnant with twins.  So I guess this means that you have a couple drinks so it dulls your senses so you can tolerate her music and then you raise a glass of whatever it is you drink in her honor.

Here we see Carrie Underwood running away from all my advances.  It's just as good, I hate her music anyway.

Bam Margera was taken to a hospital after a woman hit him in the head with a baseball bat at his bar.  Apparently she got upset and hit Bam in the back of the head.  His condition has not been released by the hospital.  At first I thought this was part of a new effort to get on TV again in his own show or Celebrity Rehab but the police charged the woman with assault so I doubt it's an act.  You know people might read this and think "Man, when I was a kid things weren't that complicated."  I offer a story of of how I broke up with my girlfriend one winter morning and she got so upset as I walked away from her house that she chased me down and walloped me over the head with a snow shovel.  Being 5 sucked for me.

Amy Winehouse finally broke up with her boyfriend/husband Blake and she has already found herself a rebound boyfriend.  For a while Amy was looking decent and not like this, the skanky sorority girl with a fake ID.  If she keeps this up expect her to be in an upcoming issue of Playboy's Beauties of Crack.

Ali Ollie Woodson of The Four Tops died at the age of 58.  He will be greatly missed.  He made me ask myself, "Are you Man Enough?"

This is a first.  Adrienne Curry let someone else take her photo but what is normal is that she posted this to Twitter.  I'm beginning to think Twitter is quite an awesome place for soft-softcore porn.

Video Section:
I don't know if anyone here follows trends in porn movies.  Lately the trend is to make movie parodies of classic TV shows.  Well here's the safe for work trailer for a porn based on the Golden Girls.  It's what the porn industry calls a "MILF film".  I think they should call it "Thank You for Doing My Friend".  I laughed at the theme song...too funny.

Sorry about how long this is...not often I get to apologize for that...I hope you enjoyed your weekend.

This is the companion to my Xenophobe's Guide to the World Cup.

If you want more, go here and here.