In honor of National Orgasm Day...

You can learn a lot from watching porn.  Here are just a few observations that I have made over the years.  Warning: These may not be applicable to real life.

1.  Women wear high heels to bed.
2.  Men are never impotent, no matter their age.
3.  When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4.  If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but will insist he has sex with her.
5.  Women smile appreciatively when males splat them in the face.
6.  Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle aged men.
7.  Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral.
8.  Women always have an orgasm at the same time as a man.
9.  A blow job always gets a woman out of a speeding ticket.
10.  All women are loud in bed.
11.  Back in the 1970s, people couldn't have sex without a wild guitar solo in the background.
12.  All breasts are real.
13.  A regular and enjoyable sexual practice is when a man takes his half-erect penis and slaps a woman in the face with it.
14.  When a man has an orgasm, he will always say, "Oh yeah!"
15.  If there are two men having relations with a female, they most certainly always high-five each other and the woman is never offended.
16.  Double penetration makes women smile.
17.  For some reason Asian men do not exist.
18.  If you happen across a couple having sex in the bushes, the male will not tell you to get lost but will insist that his girl's mouth is ready.
19.  There's plot.
20.  Slapping a woman on the butt is always excitable for the woman involved.
21.  Besides giving medicine, nurses give other jobs to male patients.
22.  Men always pull out.
23.  When your girlfriend catches you in bed with her best friend, she won't be angry, but will join you in the festivities.
24.  Headaches do not exist.
25.  When receiving oral pleasure from a woman, men it is pertinent that you remind them to "suck it".
26.  Everything is always clean and no problem with hygiene especially with ATM.
27.  Men ejaculating all over a woman's body is a satisfying result for all parties involved.
28.  Women are always surprised when opening a man's pants to find out that he has a penis.
29.  Men never have to beg.
30.  Pigtails=handlebars.
31.  Hitch-hiking is glamorous and always results in sex.
32.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen are the greatest jobs a man could wish for.
33.  Pizza delivery boys and repairmen always have sex when they deliver or make house calls.
34.  All food in porn movies is nothing more than another sex toy.

Here are some that were submitted by Xanga users.  I didn't include their names because I didn't know if I had permission to repost them.
35.  Women enjoy getting slapped with penises
36.  All lesbians are “girly”
37.  All lesbians carry bags filled with sex toys
38.  All stockings are crotchless
39.  Baby oil and saliva are acceptable lubricants
40.  All women are hairless
41.  Playing with globs of saliva is sexy
42.  All women are ready to jump in the sack with anyone at anytime.
43.  Big penises make up for lack of personality
44.  Normal penis size is 12” and anything less is unacceptable
45.  Ron Jeremy and John Holmes are somehow sexy and appealing to women
46.  The majority of female porn stars are rail thin, fake tanned, with humongous boobs. 
47.  If there is more than one woman in the scene they will inevitably get it on while the guy enjoys. But if there is more than one guy in a scene they NEVER get it on while the girl enjoys.
48.  Females have an infinite amount of spittle and because of this there is no need for KY.

New additions:
49.  Any girl with pigtails is considered a "teen"
50.  All other women are MILFs
51.  You will be able to use all porn moves in your own bed.
52.  No one kisses when they have sex but if they have the desire to kiss, they flick each other's tongues with absolutely no lip contact.
53.  Sometimes, poop is more than just poop.
54.  Asians have pixelated groins.
55.  Women love it when men talk trashy.
56.  Men are just willing victims and all women are sexually aggressive.
57.  Groping a secretary will always lead to sex and never a sexual harassment lawsuit.
58.  All job interviews end with sex.
59.  All Catholic school girls look like they are in their 30s.
60.  All lesbians are willing to get with men at a moment's notice
61.  Felating sex toys is essential
62.  If your friend's mom is hot, she will automatically have sex with you when your friend isn't around and if he interrupts you, he may just join in.
63.  There is no such thing as condoms or STDs.
64.  Foreplay is non-existent...so that one may be true in real life as well.
65.  Female little people are ferocious.
66.  People in a crowded bus wont even mind that you have loud sex in the middle of the bus.
67.  Strange men in vans are perfectly acceptable if they are waving around a handful of $50's and no cops will arrest them for soliciting.
68.  Wives are always willing to engage in lesbian sex and threesomes, even if it means that the other woman is their sister.
69.  There are no fat guys.
70.  Women wear make-up to bed.
71.  Viagra, Cialis, Levitra are not needed.
72.  Everyone smiles at the camera.
73.  Vaginas can take extreme amounts of abuse
74.  Women can't get pregnant from a cream pie.
75.  There are only two underwear options for women: sexy lingerie and commando
76.  If she says it's her first time, it's her first time
77.  Hotels are glamorous film locations.
78.  Public bathrooms are always sanitary
79.  All female superiors at work are hot and will bone you at the drop of a hat.
80.  When women order pizza they always order extra sausage.
81.  Wherever you find a hole, if you stick your dick through it a hot girl will be on the other side to service you.
82.  Spit makes everything shine.
83.  All a guy needs to get sex is a clever one-line joke.
84.  All porn is good
85.  There are things you can learn from porn.
86.  If you are a step-father your step-daughter will ahve sex with you no matter how unattractive you are and your only objection will be, "What if your mother finds out?"  And when the mother finds out threesomes will abound.
87.  Women willingly get into vans so they can have sex.
88.  Women will have sex with you if there is a possibility they'll get a job
89.  Female teachers are always hot, always wear glasses, and are always attracted to their students.
90.  All male teachers have enormous penises
91.  Female students will have sex with their teacher to get a good grade right after class
92.  No one locks doors
93.  Women always have orgasms
94.  There are always people having sex in college dorms
95.  People have sex in public at every party
96.  Pregnancy does not exist
97.  Japanese women are attracted to squid.
98.  The Japanese have perfectly normal sexual desires
99.  The Germans have perfectly normal sexual desires
100.  Women think it's normal to have sex with 50 strangers when they go to the supermarket.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to add.

You know, I was watching Marty earlier tonight and it is eerily similar to my life except I'm not a butcher.
Some images may not be safe for work or safe for life...NSFW and NSFL
 

The mouse isn't happy with Zac Efron.  He has been spotted at strip joints throughout Hollywood.  Of course his girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, has not been seen with him even at the premier of his recent movie.  At one club it was reported that he spent $2000.  I feel bad for Vanessa.  She goes all out for this guy and sends him nude pics and he goes to a strip club?!?!?!?!  It sounds like Vanessa could use a well-toned, muscular, manly shoulder to cry on.  I'm here for you Vanessa.
 
MAKE WAY FOR A LADY!  Oh Victoria Silverstedt...you are so classy.  So there's a treat for you and by treat I mean saying you $70 because now you won't need a penicillin shot.  You're welcome!

Rihanna has signed on to star in a movie opposite Taylor Kitsch and Alexander Skarsgard.  The movie will be a film adaptation of the board game Battleship.  WHAT THE FUCK!  OK I could see Candyland getting the movie treatment BUT BATTLE-FUCKING-SHIP?  Acid had to have played a role in this movie getting the go ahead to be made.  How is it going to work?  b4...g10...you sunk my air craft carrier?  I bet it will be a hit with the ladies if Taylor and Alexander have a side story where they claim they are allergic to shirts.

Ellen DeGeneres announced via Twitter that she was leaving American Idol.  She explained her decision later on her blog.  She claimed that she didn't like judging people although she loved finding new talent.  I hated her on that show because she brought nothing to the discussion.  I was hoping that they would try to replace her with Paula Abdul but FOX couldn't secure a Vicodin vending machine for her dressing room.  Glenn Beck called dibs.

Well my dreams of Paula and Howard Stern or Bret Michaels have been dashed.  It has been announced that Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will be replacing Simon Cowell.  The producers also fired Kara Dioguardi.  Ellen and Kara will be replaced by Jennifer Lopez.  Well her butt is the size of two normal butts so it is fitting.  The line up next year will be Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler, and Jennifer Lopez.  I am thankful they got rid of Kara.  Watching her was about as enjoyable as getting a prostate exam from Freddy Krueger.  I hope JLo sings her hit song "Taco Flavored Kisses".  I am thinking Steven Tyler will be a great addition because American Idol is a trainwreck and wherever there is a trainwreck you can find Steven Tyler wearing a conductor's hat.

Here we see JLo celebrating her new job by swimming in some shallow water.  Is it me or does it look like she is swimming in a diaphragm.

Snooki claims she doesn't want to wear bikinis anymore because she thinks that one pieces are sexier.  You know, I have mixed feelings for her.  There are times when I think she is cute and then there are times when I think she belongs on Jane Goodall's shoulder.

Here are some photos from the remake of "Arthur" starring Russell Brand as the lead.  Why must they remake every good movie?  I hear they are in negotiations to remake The Hangover.  And now I am off to search Google to see if holy water can wash away the scabies in my eyes.  Thanks, Russell.

Hey, Nick Nolte took his yearly bath and cleaned up rather nicely.  Remember when that guy was considered a sex symbol?  I do because my mom adored him.  I thought I would include his photo because it's odd to see him not looking like he's homeless and he's also in the remake of "Arthur".

This guy with Paris Hilton is her sugar daddy, Taek Jho Low.  He has been paying for her to travel around the world and keeping her drunk.  People are claiming that he has spent over $5million for champagne.  I wonder what he expects in return for paying for her to travel and get drunk.  I'm expecting Paris to disappear for 9 months and then reappear with a baby Asian girl.

The Aryan princess, Paris, was caught imitating Hitler.  A rep for Paris claims that Paris doesn't hate Jews and that she has plenty of Jewish friends.  Paris does have a checking account and has been in movies so I guess that means she has Jewish friends...damn, I've been listening to Mel Gibson and Oliver Stone a little too much lately.  Speaking of Oliver Stone...

Oliver Stone stepped in shit last weekend and uttered the famous phrase, "Jews control everything."  He claimed, "Hitler was a Frankenstein but there was also a Dr Frankenstein, German industrialists, the Americans and the British. He had a lot of support."  He went on to say, "Hitler did far more damage to the Russians than [to] the Jewish people, 25 or 30 [million killed]."  He also claimed Hitler was an easy scapegoat.  Why do few people know this?  Oliver says, "The Jewish domination of the media. There's a major lobby in the United States. They are hard workers. They stay on top of every comment, the most powerful lobby in Washington. Israel has fucked up the United States."  Oliver has since apologized for these comments.  If you don't see me around Xanga for a few days it's because I'm working on some "Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone, and a rabbi walk into a bar" jokes.

This is Montana Fishburne.  She is the daughter of Lawrence Fishburne.  She decided that to advance her career she needed to make a sex tape and to cut out all the claims of having it stolen, she went to a porn company and shot a movie with an actual porn star.  Her future is going to be bright and inflamed.  All I know about this is that Cowboy Curtis is not amused.

Miranda Kerr rushed to wed Orlando Bloom a few weeks ago.  It turns out that the reason they married is because she is expecting.  Orlando Bloom doesn't have to work for the rest of his life.  He will be worshiped by men the world over because he knocked up a Victoria's Secret model.  His penis will be dipped in gold and will be paraded through the streets.  OK, I hope not but if I was in his shoes, I'd let myself go because I'd be on easy street.

Mel B of the Spice Girls took time out of her hectic schedule of weightlifting and sex to go to the beach this week.  So why am I posting this?  She's hot.

Linda Hogan, who is 50 years old, will be marrying her boyfriend Charlie Hill, 21 years old.  They are getting married aboard her yacht which is named Alimony.  The funny thing is Hulk Hogan may have the last laugh when it comes to alimony and the yacht.  Once she gets married, he no longer has to pay her alimony and to pay her bills and Charlie's college tuition, Linda has considered selling the yacht.  Brooke has announced that she will not be attending Linda's wedding because she doesn't think it is right for Linda to marry her son's high school classmate.  I think the only way the Hogan family can settle this is with a no holds barred cage match either that or another reality series.

Speaking of Brooke Hogan, here we see her leaving Bob Hope Airport in Burbank.  Is it me or does her round belly make it look like she's pregnant?  I'd like to be the first to congratulate Brooke...this just in...Brooke is not pregnant.  The Bob Hope Airport has a Cinnabon kiosk.

Hulk Hogan is trying to sell a new product.  He thinks this product will make him the next Billy Mays.  This "miracle" product is said to be a liquid hand sanitizer that contains pumice.  WOW!  Just because the Hulkster looks like Orange Glo doesn't mean he can replace Billy Mays.  Hogan needs to be in every other commercial and do massive amounts of cocaine just to equal Billy Mays.

Kings of Leon were playing an outdoor show in St. Louis this week but they had to cut the concert short after just three songs.  It seems that the pigeons didn't appreciate their music.  They were being crapped on by numerous pigeons. The lead singer actually got hit in the mouth by pigeon poop.  Now Kings of Leon understand why I have a phobia of birds.  One time, while in Sault St. Marie, I had a sea gull crap on me and ever since I've feared birds.  I don't think even Spinal Tap had birds crap on them so Kings of Leon should consider themselves legends.

Once again...Kim Kardashian...damn!

This is Kendall Jenner.  She is Kim Kardashian's younger sister.  She's an aspiring model and wants to follow in the footsteps of big sis Kim.  Did I mention Kendall is 14?  *Backs away slowly*  NEXT!

Remember all that weight Kevin Federline lost on Celebrity Fit Club?  Good news, he found it.

This is Glenn Beck's high school yearbook photo from 1982.  Is that a promise ring?  He looks like he is auditioning to be an extra in a John Hughes movie.  This photo could really hurt his career.  Isn't the hand on chin yearbook pose a tool of socialists to get their agenda passed in the Senate and Congress?

This is Elisabetta Canalis.  She's George Clooney's girlfriend.  She has found herself in the middle of a scandal in Italy because of her new celebrity status..  Before she and George got together, people claim she was an escort that catered to celebrities and got them to purchase massive amounts of cocaine from the Italian mafia.  Which is more surprising:  she was an escort or she's considered a celebrity?

Drew Carey says that he has lost 70lbs since January.  He attributes the weight loss to diet and exercise.  He says that he drinks only water and eats no carbs.  I don't believe him.  I bet after they finish taping The Price is Right, he's busting his ass spinning the Big Wheel and doing cardio by running up and down the stairs of the Plinko game.

Casey Affleck is getting sued by a producer of his documentary about Joaquin Phoenix.  I guess the cat's out of the bag.  All that crazy stuff Joaquin did in the past year was for a documentary.  Amanda White, the producer, claims she is suing Casey because she claims he sexually harassed her amongst other things.  She claims that Casey constantly told male crew members to expose their dicks in front of her, Casey would tell her about his sex life as well as the sex lives of other celebrities, Casey called women "cows", when she said how old she was Casey asked why she wasn't pregnant, Casey was always trying to get her to share hotel rooms, Casey and Joaquin used Amanda's hotel room one day for encounters with hookers,  and Casey also hired transsexual prostitutes for photo shoots without her permission.  Casey claims that Amanda was fired during production and she didn't quit without being paid like she also claims.  The most disturbing thing about this is how Casey and his brother-in-law (Casey is married to Joaquin's sister, Summer) boned prostitutes in the same room.  That was during Joaquin's "Dirty" period.  Don't think too long on that one.  I guarantee that movie will be a hit.

Believe it or not but Bon Jovi didn't want these photos released.  Thank you, Harvey Levin, for not respecting his wishes.  These photos were taken in Bon Jovi's heyday back in the mid 80s.  Now his idea of a wild time is drinking a double amount of Centrum Silver.  You know it's strange but these photos explore some of my favorite things.  I loved early Bon Jovi especially the "Slippery When Wet" album and I also love boobs but the photo would be better without Bon Jovi visible.  I'd just like to hear "Livin' on a Prayer" while the boobs were exposed.

Here we see Angelina walking through airport with some of her brood.  Smack that Pax up!  Maddox smacked Pax right in the kisser.  Maddox should have taken lessons from my parents in how to properly hit a kid who "mouthed off".

Angelina Jolie was in Moscow for the premier of her movie Salt.  Don't worry, she's not there to adopt any children.  She's just window shopping.

Well that was a quick retirement.  Hopefully this means that Amanda will be working on a sequel to "She's the Man".

Andy Dick had a little too much to drink one night this week...ok it was more than one night but he was caught by paparazzi on this specific night and yes, he pissed himself.  I won't post that photo.  It was nasty.  The paparazzi are vultures who take the worst angles on the photos to make people look horrible but then this is Andy Dick and he does plenty to make himself look bad.

Coco is very subtle.  She posted this on Twitter and it was taken down by the administrators.  Twitter sucks.  I've seen much worse over at Twitter.  I don't know why they wouldn't let her keep her ass on Twitter when that magnificent butt is visible on Google Earth.

Elizabeth Berkley turned 38 this week.  I think this calls for a Saved by the Bell 20th Reunion Special.  Oh and that gif file is from Saved by the Bell: After Bayside...well that was the original title of Showgirls.

And I saved the best for last...people are claiming that Lindsay Lohan is given preferential treatment in jail.  Last week she received visitors whereas the other prisoners can only have visitors on the weekends.  I bet I know how Lindsay got those special visits.  She is studying up on her role as Linda Lovelace and she was best known for Deep Throat.  Maybe the prison officials feel bad for her because the other prisoners are tormenting her by chanting "fire crotch" at all hours.  The other prisoners are pissed off because whenever Lindsay is moved, the entire joint goes on lockdown.  What is this?  4th grade?  Wouldn't a Zip-Lock bag filled with urine make a better point?  Celebrity thief, Alexis Neiers was released after Lindsay was admitted and Alexis claims that all Lindsay was doing was crying and she could be heard by other prisoners.  In Lindsay's defense, she's probably getting ready for all the movie roles that will come rolling in once she is released from prison.  So Lindsay's pretty much handling prison exactly like I thought she would. What, did you really think Lindsay would have some Zen-like experience in jail where she sat in silent self-reflection for hours a day and ultimately transformed herself into a better person? Of course not. The only thing Lindsay's taking home from this whole experience is lice.  Michael Lohan claims he has people who've reached out to Robert Downey Jr. and Marky Mark to talk to Lindsay to help get her off the drugs.  Who are your people?  Crockett and Tubbs?  A group of Vietnam veterans who escaped from a federal penitentiary because they were wrongly accused of committing a crime? A mad scientist and a high school student who travel in time with a tricked out DeLorean?  Those are the only people that can help Lindsay now.  Lindsay's mom Dina, is suffering because of all this.  Apparently she thought "jail" meant "day spa".  She recently said, "She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on.  I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”  I hate to break it to her but you don't get to jail by scratching off a lottery ticket or winning the Grand Prize Game.  Also Lindsay has a set of hair dressers on call in case she is released immediately.  She will not reappear without being made over because apparently the jailers made her take out all her weaves.  The thing about that is, the jail will not allow her to have this makeover because they don't want to turn her exit into a model runway.  She's also having tantrums because once she is released from jail she has to report to rehab.  The rehab is located on a beach on the Pacific coast.  What is with her?  I'd love to get addicted to drugs so I could go to that classy joint...maybe not.

Video Section:
Justin Bieber has a Segway?  What a douche!  I feel sorry for all those girls screaming and running after an asshole.  I can't believe he escaped that mob.  Those girls must have just learned how to walk or they just love running around screeching like a pack of wild hyenas in heat.

Have a great weekend.

I had to make a courier run to a hospital this evening.  That was fun.  I had to stand in line and wait because this little old guy must have had failing hearing aids because the things were buzzing and making my ears bleed.  After that I went to a hardware store to just browse.  It makes me feel manly.  I was also looking at prices for bear hunting licenses.  Yeah, I'm feeling the need for NFL so I looked to see how much it would cost to massacre some bears.  I'll leave that to the Packers.  Also, I think next time I go back I am going to get my fishing, small game, and deer hunting license.  It was such a bargain to get all three in one package.  Now if I could lie and tell them I was 65.  Then a visit to a Mexican restaurant where they play up the stereotypes..."Hey homes...you want some salsa?"  The best Jewish reality star was voted off Big Brother.  Screw that show!  OK links...

1.  Here is a collection of FAIL videos that will make you feel better.  My favorite is the last one.  There are so many times when I drive through Chicago-land and I am tempted to do that at toll booths.

2.  Do people still use ChatRoulette?  Anyway, here's a collection of reaction videos.  Some of those are quite classic.  It's funny how people over at 4chan post gif files to make people think they are talking with Justin Bieber.  I think I am going to start that.

3.  This website is called Shitbrix.  It is a collection of Motivation posters that are "when you see it" variety.  I stopped posting those because some of them were impossible to see.

4.  I like animals.  Some are quite tasty and some provide wonderful companionship.  Now, the sign of a true animal is if it is American and awesome.  Check out these true American animals.

5.  I think we have found the Pulitzer prize winning article of the year.  It gets the prize just for the headline: Finger in Butt Crack Sparks Knife Fight.

6.  A few days ago, I was watching Sportscenter and they showed a Florida Marlins player give another player a shaving cream pie in the face.  Well when he attempted to give the pie, he slipped and hurt his knee.  That got me thinking of other stupid sports injuries.  Check out this list.

7.  One recent internet meme that has really taken off is Sad Keanu.  It's sad but so funny.

8.  Remember all the way back to 2006?  It was a magical year.  They played the World Cup and one of the most infamous incidents transpired.  French legend Zinedine Zidane headbutted a player from Italy in the finals of the World Cup.  That headbutt inspired many gifs to be made and here are just a few.

9.  I found this interesting article over at Mental Floss.  It is a collection of fictional characters whose full names aren't known...until now.  My favorite is Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs

10.  We all know Mel Gibson is a racist.  Don't defend him.  Up until now we've only heard his racist rants.  Well here is photographic evidence that Mel has been keeping the black man down for many years.

11.  Have you ever tried to barter on Craigslist?  There was that incredible story a few years ago where the guy started bartering with a piece of yarn and over the course of a few months wound up with a house through all his bartering.  Well here are some of the bizarre items that one can barter for at Craigslist.

12.  A guy named Greg Rutter has taken it upon himself to write a letter to Lindsay Lohan for each day she is in jail.  I hope she gets them and reads them because they are great.  I wonder if she will understand them or if she can even read.

Do you think this kid was ever picked on in gym class?

I remember watching this video while at a chain store in the Cities.  I was debating whether or not to buy an HDTV.  I couldn't listen to the clerk because I was laughing too hard and had to leave the store.

Ron Livingston hasn't had a great role since Band of Brothers.  I think this viral video will resurrect his career.

Have a great night.

I used to do these posts a long time ago when I had two or three readers.  It's amazing how far I've come since then.  My humor hasn't really matured but the number of readers has skyrocketed.  I'm sure some of these images are not safe for work or for life.

It was bound to happen.  I wish I knew the blogger that got this one done and ask if they still blog.  OK so it isn't terrible.  I just find it funny to get a website tattooed on your body.  If I wasn't allergic, it'd be next to impossible to figure out which blog I would tattoo on my body.  Which Xangan would you memorialize with a tattoo?

Zombie Christ will forgive your sins and then eat your brains.

Which is more creepy:  The Star Trek tattoo or how excited Sulu is.

Unfuckwithable?????  That is something I would have tattooed on myself when I was 14.

Two words:  BAD ASS!!!!  Whoa, Patton Oswalt made a guest appearance on my blog.

Titty Twister....get it?

So having a Bible chapter tattooed for a tramp stamp is....I don't know.  I couldn't imagine reading the Bible while doing the deed.  At least 1st Corinthians 13 is about love...not the dirty kinky kind but it is about love.

I hold this tattoo in contempt of life.

Here we see the world's most devout 90210 fan.

She uses this tattoo to teach children sex ed.

Ladies never question whether or not he's telling the truth.  They beg him to lie.

"Price check on a douche bag in aisle three.  Price check on a douche bag."

And we've come to an end but not the end of my tattoo posts.

Enjoy...or ELSE!  I'll be back later with a links post.

I'm not really feeling like writing tonight so I am pulling out an old poem that I wrote sometime last year.  Anyway I'm not much of a poet and don't have a way with words so don't be too harsh.

Can anyone out there
Understand all those dark desires and
Needs that I crave as a man?
No one out there gets it.
I am searching for "the one".
Lately that has been difficult,
Impossible as some may say.
No matches, no love.
Gonna be alone the rest of my days,
Unless by sheer luck…maybe,
Some day but not today.

Inspired by Song of Songs 7:2 שררך אגן הסהר אל יחסר המזג

So I am doing somewhat better today.  I guess my blood pressure got out of control because I had been anemic and while I was anemic my blood pressure was at a perfect level.  Now it skyrocketed or at least it did by my standards.  They put me on a BP medicine and a water pill.  That water pill is making me piss every 15 minutes.  I feel like an old man.  At least the swelling is down and there is no more leaking.  It was nice for the first hour of rest with my legs elevated watching The Big Bang Theory and then it got boring and I missed my Xanga family...yes, family, I'm a creeper like that.

I get a phone call from my mom this afternoon hinting that she needed my blazer to haul some stuff from Menard's for my aunt.  Well I got out but it did hell on my legs.  The strange thing was that the swelling went down more after walking around the store.  My mom thanked me by buying me some of those Topsy Turvy tomato hangers.  My aunt got me some solar lights for my driveway and she bought me supper.  I felt like such a deadbeat but gas is expensive.  I bought myself another raspberry bush.  I am going to turn my back yard into an orchard just like my grandfather.  I have blueberries, raspberries, rhubarb, 2 apple trees, about 10 tomato plants, 10 bell pepper plants, 10 ground cherry plants, and 5 jalapeno plants.  That keeps me busy when I'm not teaching.

Wow...I'm not being incredibly dirty tonight.  See, I'm getting old and mature...finally.

Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

OK for a chance to redeem myself....look at the shellfish one.  I was reading a report the other day that a group of people was recommending a substitution for oysters because of the oil spill in the gulf.  They claim that there is a substance produced by the body that has the same taste and texture of oysters.  Of course the group was mostly men and they were talking about semen. 

I think Myspace has become the fannypack of the internet.

Did you know Chef Gordon Ramsay's favorite meal is roasted chicken ramen while taking a bubble bath and watching Gossip Girl.

Don't you find a tad disturbing when guys wear sweat pants to a strip club?

There was a time when I thought I met Tyler Perry but when the wig didn't come off I realized it was Queen Latifah.

Spoiler Alert: Inception is NOT about me.

You better have a great day.

I am reading all these posts about a New York City Xanga Meet-Up and I am jealous.  Sometimes it feels like I am the only person in Wisconsin on Xanga.  I know that this thought is a fallacy but the other Wisconsinites are hours away from me.  Even the Minnesotans are a long way from where I live. 

As you know I claim Wisconsin Dells as my home.  A Wisconsin Dells Xanga Meet would be so cliché because Wisconsin Dells is the happiest place in Wisconsin and with the tourist prices it would be pretty expensive for people to visit and see the attractions, which is why I am purposing a Xanga meet-up in the small town of Wonewoc, WI.

Why Wonewoc?  Why not?  Wonewoc has a population of 848 people.  There are 3 churches in Wonewoc and 4 bars.  The residents of Wonewoc, Wonewocians, have their priorities set.  Wonewoc also contains a bike trail called the 400 Trail.  The trail, a converted railroad, gets its name from the former 400 line of trains that went through the area.  You can rent bikes in Wonewoc, the midpoint of the 400 Trail, and explore the area. 

Another aspect of exploration that is possible in Wonewoc is that of canoeing the Baraboo River.  Right now it might not be proper canoeing conditions since the Baraboo River is in flood stage however at a later date we could canoe the shit out of that river.  And how’s this for business, the same place where you can rent bikes, you can rent canoes.  If Wonewoc isn’t the epitome of the American Dream, I don’t know what is.

If we choose to have our Xanga meet in the winter, there are plenty of snowmobile trails.  Little do people outside of Wonewoc know that snowmobiling is a year-round activity.  Yes, you can snowmobile without the snow in the summer.  Residents of Wonewoc are known to use their snowmobiles to skim the Baraboo River.  Snowmobiling is quite exhilarating and nothing says exhilarating like snowmobiling through Wonewoc and the Baraboo River to get to a fine establishment like Bernie’s Wagon Wheel or The Mayer’s Office or The Wooden Nickel or Degner’s Corner Bar.  Bernie’s offers competitive prices and stiff drinks.  A double Jack and Coke will run you $1 during happy hour and $2 any other time.  Degner’s Corner Bar may be the best place to hold a Xanga Meet-Up since so many of Wonewoc’s high school reunions are booked at that fine establishment.

Also if any Xangans belong to the Masons, you will feel at home in Wonewoc since they have a Masonic Lodge.  You might find yourself asking "Is there no releif for the son of a widow?"  And then a member of the Wonewoc lodge will say "in the darkness as well as in the light" or something like that.

The biggest draw to Wonewoc is not churches, bars, snowmobiling, bicycling, or Masonic lodges.  It’s the spiritualist camp.  You can stay at the camp and have a psychic reading or a past life regression.  There are also special days when séances are conducted.  Every Wednesday night there is a healing service…whatever that means.  After the service they have the best spiritualist camp ice cream social in western Wisconsin.

So how about it?  A Xanga Meet-Up in Wonewoc?  I’ll start the booking process…

Then after we meet up in Wonewoc, we can drive to my house and drown our sorrows with scotch while we listen to Tom Waits.

Maybe I'm getting out the Tom Waits because today I spent some time in a hospital and feel that I am entering the autumn of my life.  My legs were horribly swollen this morning and when I was examining them I pushed a little too hard and sprung a leak.  So I went to the hospital and my blood pressure was too high and they figure the swelling is because of that.  On blood pressure meds and the one is making me go to the bathroom every 30 minutes.  I guess it was destined to happen sooner or later but I wish it was later rather than sooner.  Anyway, I'm fine.  I've been letting it leak.  The swelling is way down.  Fun times.

Well it's Sunday and I need to clear out photo files from the week...enjoy.

So who is this LeBron Jones?

I LOVE THIS GAME!

Things pretty wild at those ghetto strip clubs.

I don't think this was at the ghetto strip club.  He's so excited, he can't hide it.  Note to the guys out there...always wear dark pants.

WORST!  TOURIST!  ATTRACTION!  EVER!

And this is why you should never ever do meth.

Hey, it looks like they finally found the Weapons of Ass Destruction.

Unfortunately, Russia could see Sarah Palin as well and this was their reaction.

Rex had the last laugh.  He had worms.

And here we see some proper tea-bagging.

This vending machine could lead to one helluva a night.

Of course this is FOX News.

So I'm really getting my hopes up for Inception.

Sadly this is about the only way people can get out of North Korea.

The Muppets make history fun.

Best.  Birthday.  Ever.  My only complaint is that they misspelled my name.

So is the chihuahua in the middle a lucky Pierre or a lucky Pedro?

And while we are on the subject of dogs...this pug is awesome.  The owner removed the original video of the pug barking but this one is better.

Whoever said baseball was a non-contact sport never put themselves in Carl Crawford's shoes or in this case, pants.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  Well it's time for me to return to being a horrible person.

So hot...can't function...Noah's Ark, Kalahari, or Mt. Oylmpus...too hot to make decision but I know I will not go to the glorified carnival with wave pool that is Riverview.  I suppose I could get a kiddie pool, put it my backyard and fill it with ice.  Brain hurts.  Time to mock celebrities and reveal intimate details of my life.  Images not safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

OMG Tori Spelling is...EATING!  This photo may be more elusive than Bigfoot photos or the second sniper on the grassy knoll.  The photographer is now set for life.

OK here's the situation on The Situation, the greasy slimeball from Jersey Shore.  He's the guy in the middle.  If I was a producer of that show AKA Satan I would totally fire his ass for this photo but then the family that turtlenecks together is a family that stays together.  If I can't fire him, I would force him to wear that turtleneck for the entire season.

Lately I have really been criticizing Taylor Momsen and rightfully so but this week she revealed something that we didn't need to know.  In an interview she was asked if she had a boyfriend.  She said that she didn't and that she wasn't into men but wasn't gay.  She's just bored with men and then she let the world know that her best friend is a vibrator.  SHE'S 16 FUCKING YEARS OLD!  When I was 16 I wasn't off playing with vibrators.  I had my G.I. Joes and Hot Wheels.  OK so maybe I didn't play with vibrators but other sex related aids but I never revealed it to a national magazine.  Well at least she's not like Miley Cyrus standing at the free clinic trying to get the morning after pill but how does a teenage girl and a vibrator share BFF necklaces?

Snooki (not pictured because my monitor can't handle the extreme orange color that is her skin) said that she hates Heidi Montag and wants to beat her up because Heidi looks like an alien.  You know that is sort of like Paris Hilton criticizing the Mariana Trench for being too gaping.  Either way...I hope they both catch Ebola.

This is Shay.  She is Kanye West's new girlfriend.  Shay claims that her 30JJ breasts are biodegradable and completely real just like the rest of her body.  Yeah.  I think I may need to do some hands-on experiments to determine the authenticity of those claims.

Shakira was posing for a photo shoot this week.  I had to take a lot of time and inspect these photos.  Now you know why I have no social life.

Selena Gomez turned 18 this week.  Now I can legally see a double meaning to her sucking that lollipop.  I feel guilty since she still looks like she is 13 and coming to my house to sell me Girl Scout Cookies.  I'm going to jail but before I go I'll take a case of Samoas and those Dulce de Leche cookies.

Phyllis Diller turned 93 this week.  Good lord, she's still alive.  Phyllis once said, "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."  I think in this case she'll have to be nice to her grandchildren because they will also have to pick a rest home for Phyllis' kids.

Paris Hilton took some time from her hectic schedule of smoking weed and filming sex tapes to flash us her panties.  I'M SHOCKED!  I never knew Paris wore underwear.

Why is it that this picture of Paris Hilton jumping into the ocean seems to be missing something?

BECAUSE IT IS!  That's better.

One of my venerable readers asked me my take on this story.  Natali del Conte is a blogger and host on CNET.  She is knocked up.  Now comes the question..."who's the baby daddy?"  There has been silence from del Conte however many people are pointing to a FOX News anchor named Clayton Morris.  Seriously, how could someone that hot sleep with a dude named Clayton?  I hear dueling banjos.  To make the rumors worse, Morris' wife divorced him shortly after the rumors started to spread.  Hmmm they sure are conservative over there at FOX News...extramarital affairs and illegitimate children...tsk tsk tsk.  The show Morris appears on should change it's name to FOX and more than just Friends.

Neil Patrick Harris found a double rainbow and he didn't cry.  Well I guess he is used to seeing a lot of rainbows so he's calm.

It was recently announced that Mickey Rourke would be starring in a biographical movie as Gareth Thomas, an openly gay rugby player.  Come on...there is no way Mickey could play a rugby player.  Given how his skin looks like leather, they should have cast him in the role of the rugby ball.

Up until she was processed, Lindsay thought that she wouldn't be going to jail so in the hours before she was imprisoned she did a photo shoot.  Great work!  Nothing like being delusional (as I look in the mirror and flex my muscles and think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread).

Here's some good Lindsay Lohan news, once she is finished with her sentence she will begin filming the Deepthroat movie.  The director, Matthew Wilder, says that Lindsay will be doing nude scenes.  His words are better than mine: "There will be full frontal nudity. But it will not be cinematic nudity – it will be more violent nudity. For example, linked images of the Vietnam war – that kind of context. It’s not a porn movie, it’s an artistic movie about a porn star. We will not see Lindsay performing oral sex, but there could be some clever play with black boxes or other cinematic tricks that the viewer may see.” So I guess if it's not artistic, I won't be get to see the fire-crotch blazing as a John Williams directed orchestra swells toward climax.  WTF?  Is this shit being produced by Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom?  HA!  If anyone gets that reference without using the intertubes and is female, I'll propose marriage.

Robert Shapiro once defended a brutal murderer in court but he quit being Lindsay Lohan's lawyer.  Now, that is bad.  Shapiro never said why he ended their relationship.  Maybe he didn't want to ruin his record of getting people out of jail despite committing crimes or maybe he saw the writing on the wall and got off the boat before it sank. 

This was Lindsay's last Tweet before jail.  At first I thought she was talking about soccer and yellow cards.

Lindsay's mugshot was so pretty.  Orange really is a good color for her.  I bet her mom will put it on the family refrigerator.  The good news for the Lohan family is that Lindsay will probably only serve 14 days of her 90 day sentence.  Where is the justice in that?

As a sign of solidarity for her big sister, Ali Lohan has refused to wear a bra while Lindsay is in prison.  Ali's breasts will remain unshackled by the restraints of a bra while her sister is in solitary confinement.  Actually she's just a stupid Lohan and probably did the no bra look for attention. 

Linda Hogan was spotted with her boyfriend Charlie, her son Nick's high school friend.  The reason Charlie kissed Linda is because she has been helping Charlie fill out college applications.  Hopefully the school that accepts him will allow visitors in the dorms after 10PM.

Kim Kardashian was at the beach....DAMN

Katy Perry is on vacation and this just in...I'm starting to get to work.

The Stepford Wife transformation of Katie Holmes is nearly complete.  She just has to get rid of her pesky thought process.  Actually she is on the set of a movie called The Kennedys.  She's playing Jackie O and Greg Kinnear is playing JFK. She fits the role.

For an episode of Kate Gosslein's reality show, she and her kids will be traveling to Alaska and will go camping with Sarah Palin.  I pray that Dick Cheney shows up to shoot them in the face.  My only question is, who's the biggest ass?  I had to edit myself. 

J-Woww was photographed by Maxim magazine.  Apparently Maxim thinks that hot women don't exist anymore.  I do have to give J-Woww props for use of the Popsicle.  Give me a break, it's been a long time which is why this youtube video is so awesome.  Birthday girl, Phyllis Diller is in that video...I think that makes you not want to click the link.

Julianne Hough is actually dating Ryan Seacrest.  She said that he has been hitting on her since she was 18 but she spurned his advances because she, like the rest of the world, thought he was gay.  I wonder if she knows who Brian Dunkleman is. 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's name has come up numerous times in casting calls for the next Batman movie.  The insider is saying that Chris Nolan wants him to play the Riddler.  Let the speculation begin because this could get interesting.  Thank god, this insider said there is no way Johnny Depp will be in the movie.  I am still hoping for Daniel Day Lewis to play Victor Zsasz.

Jennifer Aniston sure knows how to exit a car.  She launched her perfume called Lolavie this week and admitted she really didn't like it.  She also got a boyfriend stalker this week.  How can she still be single?  She stays fit because she claims she runs seven days a week.  What Jennifer doesn't say is that the running she does is chasing her cats or looking for a new stalker boyfriend.

Ice T was busted for driving without a license and not wearing a seatbelt.  He promptly went on Twitter and posted the officer's badge number.  If I was a cop, I'd let them go as long as I got to spend some private time in my squad car giving Coco a lashing.  How did Ice T remember the badge number.  I think Coco's camel toe ate the badge. 

Holly Madison needs to stop wearing 1950s style toddler dresses.  Also she can come to my house to suck on a lollipop any time.  No, it's not what you think.  I just bought a bag of Dum-Dums and there is no way I can eat them all myself.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  I hope that when I'm 76, I can be like Giorgio Amrani and wear a banana sling.  I can't even wear one now.

Enrique Iglesias took a fan's camera and snapped a photo of his junk and then handed the camera back to the fan.  I wonder how many times he had to press zoom.  That fan is possibly sitting on a gold mine.

Here's a lot of something for the ladies.  Dolph Lundgren is shooting some snot rockets.  Check your panties at the door, ladies.

Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly paid $15million for a woman to have his baby and then cut all ties with the child.  He met the woman at a bar and she was a cocktail waitress.  So I guess the new American Dream is to be a cocktail waitress and get knocked up by a celebrity.  Apparently his pick-up line with the waitress was "Me, you, fuck fuck."  I really need to see where that line will get me.  So this is fueling the gay rumors because he is basically getting a baby the Ricky Martin way and he's been hanging out with Lance Bass.  Oh well, if he's straight, you're probably out of his league and if he's gay then you don't have the proper team equipment.

Christina Applegate announced this week that she is pregnant.  This is great news for her since earlier this year or late last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Alex Trebek turned 70 this week.  What is old for 2000?

Adrienne Curry did some more posing for her Twitter fans.  This relationship she has with Twitter is well documented.  I can't imagine what she would do if Twitter ever closed.  XANGA?  She also posted some photos of her at Comic Con.  I wonder if she posts these because she is bored with marriage.  Maybe it's some sort of weird Brady sex fetish.  Either way...I'm thankful.

Work it, Amy Winehouse.  I don't know if she is posing or trying to have sex with that speaker.  I hear that bass beats are supposed to do something special for ladies.  People claim that if you look at her belly, you can see a bump which means she may be pregnant.  NO!  Amy is just getting a cute little beer belly.

Wow...Britney's poor hair.  The only positive is that she won't get head lice because her head is obviously a place where no living thing wants to be.

Britney Spears made $60million last year.  Who goes to her concerts?  Oh yeah...preteens and sex offenders who wear sweat pants.  If you want a cheaper musical experience just head to Old Country Buffet on Tuesday nights when they have their barbecue night.  Jessica Simpson will be there and she'll be playing music.

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend.  Stay cool and classy, Xanga.

The other night I was reliving the glory days of my football coaching career.  I was thinking of a particular game that was a defensive battle.  My team won with a late touchdown and with that win we also won the conference title.  The team we played had one of the most bizarre nicknames I have ever seen first hand.  They were the Blooming Prairie Awesome Blossoms. 

That image comes from the school’s official website which can be found here.

When I was in the booth radioing to the coaches on the sidelines I noticed that the Awesome Blossoms even had a young girl dressed as the Blossom.  She was having a horrible time.  She was in tears and obviously didn’t want to be dressed as a mighty flower.  I kept waiting for them to bring out food from Chili’s or Outback whichever has the blooming onion.

This got me thinking of some of poor nicknames of collegiate and high school sports teams.  In this post I’ll just include some of my favorite high school nicknames.

Alabama  
Montgomery:  Sidney Lanier  - Poets 

Alaska
 Diomede  -  Dateliners (I bet Chris Hansen jumps out at halftime and makes everyone take a seat)
 Ketchikan  -  King Salmons
 Palmer  -  Moose
 Point Hope: Tikigaq  -  Harpooners 

Arizona

 Bagdad  -  Sultans
 Gila Bend  -   Gila Monsters
 Mesa: Heritage Academy  -  Heroes  
 Yuma  -  Criminals
Arkansas
 Bauxite  -  Miners
 Hartford  -  Hustlers (Larry Flynt?)
 Harrison  -  Golden Goblins
 Marmaduke  -  Greyhounds
 Morrilton  -  Devil Dogs
 Ozark  -  Hillbillies
 Prescott  -  Curly Wolves
 Stuttgart  -  Rice Birds
 Wonderview  -  Daredevils

California
 Coalinga  -  Horned Toads
 Concord  -  Minutemen  
 French Gulch: Nawa  -  Steelheads
 Hollister: San Benito  - Hay Balers
 Lakewood: Mayfair  -  Monsoons
 Laundale: Leuzinger  -  Olympians
 Lincoln  -  Fighting Zebras
 Los Angeles: Hollywood  - Shieks
 Los Angeles: John Marshall  - Barristers
 Los Angeles: Manual Arts  -  Toilers (fitting since it is a school of manual art)
 Los Angeles: Ribet Academy  -  Fighting Frogs
 Los Angeles: Thomas Jefferson  -  Democrats (his official party name was the Democratic Republicans)
 Los Olivos: Dunn HS  -  Earwigs
 Napa  -  Vintage Crushers
 Sacremento: St. Francis  -  Troubadours
 Venice  -  Gondoliers
  Yuba City  -  Honkers

Colorado
 Alamosa  -  Mean Moose
 Aspen  -  Skiers
 Brush  -  Beetdiggers
 Fort Collins  -  Lambkins
 Poudre  -  Impalas
 Rocky Ford  -  Meloneers
 Windsor  -  Wizards

Connecticut
  Avon: Avon Old Farms  -  Winged Beavers  
  East Hampton  -  Bellringers
  Kent:  Marvelwood School  -  Screaming Pterodactyls
  Milford: Jon Law  -  Lawmen
  Moodus:  Nathan Hale-Ray  -  Noises
  Woodstock Academy  -  Centaurs

Florida
 Daytona: Seabreeze  -  Fighting Sandcrabs
 Englewood: Lemon Bay  -  Manta Rays (Steve Irwin’s arch-nemesis)
 Fort Lauderdale  -  Flying L’s
 Key West  -  Conchs (When they have school assemblies only the kid with the conch may speak)
 Laurel Hill  -  Hoboes
 Tarpon Springs  -  Spongers   (named after some cheap relatives?)

Georgia
 Cairo  -  Syrupmakers   
  Savannah: Johnson  -  Atom Smashers
 Clarkston  -  Angoras

Hawaii
 Kailua  -  Surfriders
 KaMakani: Hawaii Prep  -  Gentle Breeze
 Pahoa  -  Daggers
 Idaho
 Camas Co.  -  Musher Dogs  
 Clark Fork  -  Wampus Cats
 Shelly  -  Russets
 Orofino  -  Maniacs
 Sun Valley:  The Community School  -  Cutthroat Trout
Illinois
 Arcola  - Purple Riders
 Centralia  -  Orphans / Orphan Annies
 Cobden  -  Appleknockers
 DeKalb  -  Barbs
 Effingham  -  Flaming Hearts
 Fisher  -  Bunnies
 Freeport  -  Pretzels
 Fulton  -  Steamers (at least no school in Cleveland has that nickname)
 Galesburg  -  Silver Streaks
 Hampshire  -  Whip-Purs
 Hoopeston  -  Cornjerkers (have you ever had your corn jerked?)
 Kewanee: Wethersfield  -  Flying Geese
 Lake Forest Academy  -  Caxy's
  Monticello  -  Sages
 New Berlin  -  Pretzels
 Rock Island  -  Rocks
 Tuetopolis  -  Wooden shoes
 Woodhull: Alwood  -  Aces
 Zion-Benton  -  Fighting Zee-Bees

Indiana
 Cloverdale  -  Clovers
 Crawfordsville  -  Athenians
 Delphi  -  Oracles  
 Frankfort  -  Hot Dogs
 Hobart  -  Brickies
 Indianapolis: Northwest  -  Space Pioneers
 Jimtown  -  Jimmies
 Logansport  -  Berries
 Madison: Grant  -  Argylles (they have to have the coolest uniforms)
 Plymouth  -  Pilgrims
 Rising Sun  -  Shiners
 Shoals  -  Jug Rox
 Speedway  -  Sparkplugs
 Union Mills: South Central - Satellites
 Vincennes: Lincoln  -  Alices

Iowa
 Akron-Westfield  -  Westerners (Because Iowa is out west)
 Burlington: Notre Dame  -  Nikes (Nike is “Victory” in Greek)

 Center Point/Urbana  -  Stormin’Pointers
 Clinton  -  River Kings / Queens 
 Fort Madison  -  Bloodhounds
 Iowa City:  City HS  -  Little Hawks
 Muscatine  -  Muskies
 Pocahontas  -  Maidens   (girls teams only) 
 Scattergood: Friends  -  Scattergood Crew
 Sheldon  -  Orabs   (Not Arabs stands for orange & black)

Kansas
  Hesston  -  Swathers
  Lawrence  -  Chesty Lions     (visit their website for the explanation!)
  Salina: St. Johns Military  - Muleskinners
Kentucky
 Bowling Green - Purples  
 Louisville: Sacred Heart  - Valkryies
 Erlanger: Lloyd Memorial  - Juggernauts  
 Silver Grove  -  Big Trains
 Somerset  -  Briar Jumpers

Louisiana  
  Crowley  -  Ladies/Gents
  Farmerville  -  Fighting Farmers
  Metairie  -  Chipmunks  
  New Orleans: Newman  -  Greenies

Maine
  Brewer  -  Witches
  Falmouth  -  Yachtsmen (This must be where the Bush family has one of their residences)
  Lee Academy  -  Pandas
  Morse  -  Ship Builders
  Orono  -  Riots
  Penobscot Valley  -  Howlers
Maryland
 Allegany:  Campers
 Annapolis: Key School  -  Obezags
 Baltimore:  Dunbar  -  Poets
 Crisfield  -  Crabbers
 Sandy Spring: Friends School  -  Wildebeests

Massachusetts
 Ashland  - Clockers
 Lexington: Lexington Christian Academy  -  Lasers
 New Bedford  -  Whalers
Westford  -  Grey Ghosts
 Michigan
 Bad Axe  -  Hatchets
 Bessemer  -  Speedboys/Speedgirls (They made an appearance in a reality series about Watersmeet)
 Colon  -  Magi
 Dearborn: Fordson  -  Tractors
 Detroit: Cass Tech  -  Technicians
 Detroit: Southeastern  - Jungaleers (So that is where ICP derived the name Juggalo)
 Dexter  -  Dreadnaughts
 Grand Rapids: Gateway  -  Geckos
 Gwinn  -  Modeltowners  
 Ida  -  Blue Streaks
 Ishpeming  -  Hematites
 Jackson: Northwest  -  Mounties
 Kingsford  -  Flivvers
 Midland  -  Chemics
 Mt. Clemens  -  Battling Bathers
 Unionville-Sebawing Area -  U.S.A Patriots
 Watersmeet  -  Nimrods (This school was featured in a reality series on Sundance Channel called Nimrod Nation.  Excellent show)
 West Iron County  -  Wykons
 Wayne:  Memorial  - Zebras
 Zeeland:  East  -  Chix
 Zeeland:  West  -  Dux

Minnesota
 Aitkin  -  Gobblers
 Blooming Prairie  -  Awesome Blossoms
 Jordan  -  Hubmen (I lived near this town and no one could explain what a Hubmen was other than it was a town where two major highways that lead to the Twin Cities met)
 Minneapolis: Roosevelt  - Teddies
 Minnetonka  -  Skippers (I wish Alan Hale was their mascot)
 Sauk Centre  -  Main Streeters
 Thief River Falls  -  Prowlers
 Two Harbors  -  Agates

Mississippi
 East Union  -  Urchins  

Missouri
 Clarkton  -  Reindeer
 Hickman  -  Kewpies
 Maryville  -  Spoofhounds
 West Plains  -  Zizzers
 St. Louis: University High  - Junior Billiken
Montana
 Chinook  -  Sugar Beeters
 Deer Lodge  -  Wardens
 Forsythe  -  Doggies
 North Toole Co. -  Refiners
 White Water  -  Penguins  

Nebraska
 Fairbury  -  Jeffs
 Lincoln: Lincoln  -  Links   (as in chain links)
 Minden  -  Whippets (They celebrate victories in style)
 Omaha: Benson  -  Bunnies
 Omaha: Mercy  -  Monarchs (The butterflies)
 Pender  -  Pendragons
 Ord  -  Chanticleers
Nevada
 Cheyenne  -  Desert Shields  
 Indian Springs  -  Thunderbirds (A school around me has the nickname Thunderbirds but maybe this one refers to the magical elixir)
 Tonopah  -  Fighting Muckers  
 Virginia City  -  Muckers

New Jersey
 Belvidere  -  County Seaters
 Fair Lawn  -  Cutters  
 Vineland  -  Fighting Clan (Thankfully not associated with the KKK)

New Mexico
 Carlsbad  -  Cavemen
New York
 Albany: The Doane Stuart School  -  Thunderchicken
 Fort Edward  -  Flying Forts
 New York: Automotive  -  Pistons (self-fulfilling prophecy)
 New York: Cardozo  -  Judges (self-fulfilling prophecy)
 New York: Sinatra School of the Arts  -  Legends (That has to be the best school nickname ever considering the school is named after THE Legend)
 New York:  Stuyvesant  -  Hitmen (seeing it is New York City…self-fulfilling prophecy)
 New York: Edison  -  Inventors
 Tarrytown: Sleepy Hollow  - Headless Horsemen
 Warrensburg  -  Burgers  

North Carolina  
 Durham  -  School of Science & Mathmatics  -  Unicorns  
 Greensboro: Grimsley  -  Whirlies  
 Kernersville: Bishop McGuiness  -  Villians  
 Washington  -  PamPack

North Dakota
  Adams-Edmore  -  Prowlers
  Casselton: Central Cass  - Squirrels
 Grafton  -  Spoilers
  Minot  -  Magicians
  Napoleon  -  Imperials
  New Salem  -  Holstiens
Ohio
 Avon Lake  -  Shoremen/Shoregals  
 Barberton  -  Magics
 Chillicothe: Unioto - Sherman Tanks (I wonder if they get licensing fees)
 Cincinnatt: Taft  -  Senators (with a name like Taft you’d think they would be the Presidents or Justices)
 Cleveland: Glenville  -  Tarblooders  
 Cleveland: Jane Addams  -  Executives    
 Cleveland: John Marshall  - Lawyers
 Garretsville: Garfield  - G-Men
 Crooksville  -  Ceramics
 Fredericktown  -  Freddies
 Fremont: Ross  -  Little Giants (Hopefully they get Rick Moranis to coach their football team)
 Marion: Harding  -  Presidents
 New Philadelphia  -  Fighting Quakers (But aren’t Quakers pacificts)
 Parma: Normandy  -  Invaders
 Philo  -  Electrics
 South Webster  -  Jeeps
 Urbana  -  Hillclimbers
Oklahoma  
  Beaver  -  Dusters (that is a scary nickname maybe sexy if the cheerleaders wear French maid costumes)
  Chickasha  -  Fighting Chicks (That has to be a girls school)
  Enid  -  Plainsmen  
  Haskell  -  Haymkers
Oregon
  Bend  -  Lava Bears
  Lakeview  -  Honkers
  Portland: Episcopal  -  Aardvarks
  Portland: Roosevelt  -  Roughriders
Pennsylvania
 Allentown: Allen  -  Canaries
 Aliquippa  -  Quips (what a witty team)
 Biglerville  -  Canners
 Boiling Springs  -  Bubblers (if they were in Wisconsin their mascot would be a drinking fountain)
 Canonsburg: Canon-McMillan  - Big Macs (not a McDonald’s reference but they are Scottish)

 Cranberry  -  Berries
 Hatboro-Horsham  -  Mad Hatters
 Haverford  -  Fords
 Industry:  Western Beaver  -  Golden Beaver (mmmmm golden beaver)
 Karns City  -  Gremlins (Not STRIPE!)
 Mars Area   -  Fightin' Planets
 North East  -  Grape Pickers
 Northhampton  -  Koncrete Kids
 Philadelphia: Franklin  - Electrons
 Philadelphia: St. Hubert  - Bambies (very intimidating)
 Punxsutawney  -  Woodchucks (Not Phil?)
 Williamsport  -  Millionaires

Rhode Island
 Coventry  -  Knotty Oakers
 East Providence  -  Townies  
 Pawtucket: Bishop Keough  -  Koalas (Because the Koala is native to Rhode Island)

South Carolina  
 Mullin -  Auctioneers  

South Dakota
Centerville  - Tornadoes
Dell Rapids  - Quarriers  
Gettysburg  -  Battlers 
Lake Preston  - Divers
Lead-Deadwood  - Golddiggers (Al Swearengen would be proud as would Paris Hilton)
 Newell  - Irrigators
Parker  - Pheasants
Phillip  - Scotties
Rapid City Central  -  Cobblers
 Sturgis  - Scoopers (You’d think this school would have a fiercer sounding nickname seeing they have the annual bike rally there)

Tennessee
 BellBuckle: The Webb School  -  Feet
 Chattanooga: Central  -  Purple Pounders
 Chattanooga: Girls Prep  -  Bruisers (fitting for a girls school)
 Hendersonville  - Commandos
 Gray: Daniel Boone  -  Trailblazers    rivals with Crockett HS
 Jonesborough:  David Crockett  -  Pioneers   rivals with Boone HS
 Nashville: Harpeth Hall  -  Honeybears
Texas
 Bryan: St. Michael  -  Dragonslayers
 Cameron: Yoe  -  Yoemen
 Cuero  -  Gobblers (I wonder what they gobble)
 Falfurrias  -  Fighting Jerseys
 Freeport: Brazosport  -  Exporters
 Hereford  -  Whitefaces
 Houston: Morris Academy  -  Praying Hands
 Hutto  -  Hippos
 Italy  -  Gladiators
 Itasca  -  Wampus Cats
 Lewisville  -  Fighting Farmers
 Mesquite  -  Skeeters (SKEET SKEET SKEET)
 Munday  -  Moguls
 New Braunfels  -  Unicorns
 Port Lavaca: Calhoun  -  Fighting Sand Crabs
 Robstown  -  Cottonpickers
 Springtown  -  Fighting Porcupines
 Taylor  -  Fighting Ducks
 Van  -  Vandals
 Winters  -  Blizzards

Utah
 Beaver  -  Beavers (That’s sort of cheap)
 Granite  -  Farmers
 Jordan  -  Beetdiggers
 Manti  -  Templars (A lot of conspiracy theorists attend this school)
Vermont
 Burlington  -  Seahorses
  Montpelier  -  Solons
Virginia
 Fluvanna County  -  Flying Flucos
 Hampton  -  Crabbers
 Highland Springs  -  Springers (The only team in America endorsed by Jerry Springer)
 Madeira  -  Snails     (gotta be tough for the track team)
 Portsmouth: Churchland  -  Truckers
 Prince George  -  Royals
 Richmond: John Marshall HS  -  Justices

Washington
Blaine  -  Borderites
 Eatonville  -  Cruisers
 Illwaco  - Fishermen
Lake Washington  - Kangaroos
Mercer Island  -  Islanders 
Richland  -  Bombers
Ridgefield  - Spudders 
Pateros  - Billiegoats
Waterville  - Shockers

Washington, D.C.
Cardoza  -  Clerks
 

West Virginia 
 Inwood: Musselman  -  Applemen  
 Man  -  Hillbillies
 Poca  - Dots (That’s right they are the Poca Dots)
 

Wisconsin
 Antigo  -  Red Robins (yum)
 Appleton: West  -  Terrors (I'm shaking in my Chuck Taylors)
 Ashland  - Oredockers
 Bayfield  - Trollers (They have the best internet debate team)
 Butternut  -  Mighty Midgets (TLC has to do a reality series here)
 Clintonville  - Truckers (I'm not even going to make a joke here)
 Cuba City  -  Cubans (because Wisconsin is known for Cuban communities)
 DeForest  -  Norskies (Dem Norskies and deys teams)
 Dodgeville  -  Dodgers (Named after Governor Dodge)
 Elk Lk-Glenbeulah  -  Resorters (The laziest practices in Wisconsin)
 Elk Mound  -  Mounders
 Fall Creek  -  Crickets (You should hear the sound effects at their games)
 Fond-du-Lac: St. Mary's Springs  -  Ledgers (My school lost to this school in a state championship football game.  They are called the Ledgers because they are on the ledge of a hill)
 Horicon  - Marshmen (I was in this gym for a playoff game and the mascot is simply a guy standing among some reeds)
 Hurley  - Midgets (That can’t be politically correct but TLC has plans for a reality series)
 Kaukana  - Galloping Ghosts (The cheese they make in Kaukana is hauntingly delicious)
 Kimberly  -  Papermakers
 Laona  -  Fighting Kellys (I once dated a girl named Kelly and she was abusive)
 Madison:  East  -  Purgolders (Purple+gold=purgolder...gang colors of Madison)
 Manitowoc  -  Shipbuilders
 Mellen  -  Granite Diggers
 Milwaukee: Washington  -  Purgolders (A team I played against in high school were known as the Blugolders simply because their colors were blue and gold)
 Milwaukee: Pius XI  -  Popes (Hard to believe this is a Catholic school)
 Mineral Point  -  Pointers
 Monroe  - Cheesemakers (The only place in America that makes limburger cheese so they stink it up on the playing fields.  The other industry in Monroe is beer making.)
 Nekoosa  -  Papermakers
 Oconomowoc  -  Coons (Not going to touch that one)
 Platteville  -  Hillmen
 Rhinelander  -  Hodags (Beware the Hodags)
 Washburn  -  Castle Guards
 Weston: Everest  -  Evergreen
 Watertown  -  Goslings

Wyoming
 Big Piney  -  Punchers (I wonder if they have a boxing team)