03 | July | 2010 | godfatherofgreenbay's Xanga Site

I had this damn thing a quarter of the way finished and it decided to crash. I can't even remember my cutesy little paragraph. It wasn't recovered. Screw you, Firefox. Some images aren't safe for work or safe for life. NSFW and NSFL.

Vince Neil was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas this week. WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.....WHOA. You mean there are things that are illegal in Las Vegas? How else is a guy supposed to hide a dead hooker's body in a shallow grave out in the desert after drinking a bottle of tequila? I have to laugh at his mugshot because that shirt he is wearing is the same as the table cloth my mom has covering her kitchen table.

Tori Spelling is setting a new fashion trend, fitting into the clothes you wore in the 4th grade. Congrats, Tori!

Do you recognize the woman on the left? It's Tiffany Pollard aka New York from numerous VH-1 reality series. Her implants keep getting bigger and bigger. It looks like she is smuggling medicine balls under her dress. I have this strange image of her assistant taking out a bike pump to inflate those things or maybe they are like the old-school Reebok pumps. Don't ask what she has to pump to get them bigger. Also have you noticed that she sort of looks like Martin Lawrence in drag?

Here we see Taylor Momsen performing with her shitty band The Pretty Reckless. Since when did the tranny-corpse-bride look become sexy? Where are her parents? She's 16! Someone...quick...read her a normal children's book.

I feel that Taylor better get used to working for tips because she probably ain't going too far. I bet her parents are proud.

Steve Carell announced that he is quitting The Office after next season. I wonder if the series will be able to survive without him. I am sure it can only if they hire me as a writer. Maybe they can offer Paul Giamanti a role. He was the first person to be offered the role of Michael Scott. He turned it down to work on his movie career. How'd that turn out for you, Paul?

Judd Apatow announced that he will be producing and writing a new Pee Wee Herman movie. You know, that is exactly what the world needs...another Pee Wee Herman movie. Hopefully this time, when he goes into a theater, he'll keep his mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho in his pants.

I used this vintage Paris Hilton photo when I first heard that she was arrested for smoking pot in the open at a stadium holding a World Cup match today. It turns out that it wasn't her but someone in her entourage. I was hoping they would give her the Nelson Mandella treatment and lock her in a cell for 27 years. Too soon? f you don't like it, go blow your vulvazela....typo stays!

Pam Anderson turned 43 this week and to celebrate it appears that she wore nipple pasties. What!?!?!?! The last time she hid her nipples was in the 70s during Sunday school and that was purely accidental.

Miley Cyrus should take a hint from Pam Anderson and cover up. God, I can't believe I just typed those words. You know she is getting somewhat lazy with trying to be edgy and showing off her bra for her 15 to 45 year old fans.

Michael Phelps turned 25 this week. I am quite surprised he has a tattoo. I would think those would somehow slow him down. You know, I don't post photos of my rock hard abs because I want Michael to feel good about himself. Actually...no.

Mel Gibson really has a way with words. Remember last week when I talked about the tapes his exgirlfriend Oksana had? Well she released them. In them Mel uses some racist language. "You're an embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault." "I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first." "How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice." So there's your Catholic of the Year(2004). I think the only thing he could do right now that would be worse would be to dig up the corpse of Martin Luther King Jr., dress him in an SS uniform, and take him along on a bagel shop gassing spree. And there you see Danny Glover's reaction.

Megan Fox got married last weekend to Brian Austin Green. He probably married her for her money since he's probably used up all the 90210 money. You have to hand it to the guy, he's smart. He wed her in Hawaii, the location of the cheapest ether prices in the country.

How you doin', Matt LeBlanc? DRUNK! It looks like he is taking unemployment OK. The funny thing is, he got out of his bill by telling the waiter he left his wallet in 1998.

That waitress was acting on behalf of humanity. Apparently the waitress is linked to a guy that Lindsay was hitting on at the club. The guy was none other than Doug Reinhardt, Paris Hilton's ex. So are people running out of people to date in Hollywood?

Lindsay's DUI arrest in 2007 was bungled by the cops. When they were searching her vehicle they found a substance. They claimed it was a crushed up breath mint when it was actually coke. You know all the cool kids crush up their breath mints. How does one become a police officer in California? Do you have to win a game of ring-toss? Of course it's cocaine, THIS IS LINDSAY LOHAN! This is like pulling over Freddie Krueger and letting him go because he claims that his glove is actually a back-scratcher.

After 25 years, Larry King has decided to hang up his suspenders and shoulder pads. Larry revolutionized cable news and interviewing people. Someone estimated that he has interviewed over 100,000 people. PITTSBURGH, you're on with Ryan Seacrest, the supposed next host. I always did like Larry King...not as much as I like hot wings...Seattle you're on.

This is Lady Gaga dressed as a man for Vogue Japan. She pulls that look off way to easily. And let the penis rumors return...

Kristen Stewart showed off at the Twilight premier in some city. Is it me or do all her dresses look like former uniforms on American Gladiators?

Kim Kardashian was honored this week by having a wax likeness made. You know it's pretty bad when the wax figure looks more life-like than the actual human. And that is the unfinished head. I thought it was appropriate to show the head since her father got O.J. off murder charges and O.J. cut off his wife's head. The wax figure will be on display only in New York City. HAHAHAHAHA...I win and I am better than Kim. I have family members depicted in statues in front of cigar stores all over the country.

Katy Perry appeared on a TV show dressed in another latex dress. Seriously, someone SHOULDN'T take her to Latex Fetishists Anonymous. DON'T DO IT!

Why, yes, Katy, it's all me.

Justin Bieber gave the employees of a Taco Bell quite a thrill. He pulled up at the drive-thru in his limo and ordered. The Taco Bell crew recognized his voice and started screaming. Justin got his food and got out of there quickly. I never thought Justin was a taco dude. I picture him gobbling hot dogs. You know, it really doesn't take much to get the Taco Bell crew all hot and bothered. All you have to do is pronounce the food items properly and give them correct change because they ain't be addin' and shit.

John Mayer is trying to do stand-up comedy. He did a ten minute set at a comedy club and surprisingly he didn't say one racist joke. A critic said that he was obviously nervous. It could have been worse, he could have made them listen to his music. If the audience wanted to see a comedy tell lame joke after lame joke, they could have went to the theaters to see Grown Ups. Yeah, I went there. A movie is horrible if the only positive things I am hearing about it are quotes from the trailers and if I hear someone say "I wanna get chocolate wasted" one more time, I will punch them square in the nuts.

John Gosslein has out-douched himself. He got a giant dragon tattooed on his back. He claims the tattoo signifies a change in his life and it also features the name of his new girlfriend, Ellen Ross, written in Korean. He is such a trend whore. First it was Ed Hardy shirts and now it's tattoos. The only way he could get less original is to change his name to Carlos Mencia. A tattoo is the second worst thing you thing you could put on you body to honor a significant other. The first would be a wedding ring.

Jessica Simpson was talking about her show on VH-1. She says that the network has re-tooled her show. No longer will she go around the world looking at beauty in other cultures but she will now be giving makeovers to people around the country. I guess VH-1 couldn't afford all the travel expenses. Oh and when a show gets "re-tooled" it means it sucked but wasn't sucky enough for cancellation.

Former tennis star, Jennifer Capriati was rushed to the hospital after an alleged drug overdose. She is now recovering well. Her ex-boyfriend, pornstar Dale DaBone, claims that she overdosed because they broke up after he told her he was returning to porn. You know, we shouldn't jump to conclusions that she overdosed. Maybe she thought the bottle was filled with puppies and rainbows. It's an honest mistake.

This is Jeffery Jones. He was Principal Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. A few years ago he was arrested along with Paul Reubens for trading child pornography and last year Jones was arrested for trying to hire a 14 year old boy to pose for nude photos. Well he moved to a new city but failed to register as a sex offender. This could send him to jail for up to 3 years. Well it looks like Ferris Bueller keeps on winning.

Gordon Ramsey was at a nude beach in Europe this week. He immediately yelled at that guy to leave the water and put on some clothes you stupid donkey.

Gary Busey turned 66 this week and let's pray to God that he didn't get out of that straight jacket because the guy should be locked up. He's a menace to society but he's a good drinking partner. He told me on his birthday, "I get blown-off more than candles on a birthday, and got more flow than a girl's period, the first day. My dick is like a Whopper and my pubes are the fries. Call that a Happy Meal. It cums with a surprise." Oh that, Gary, he's such a kidder. He also told me that as a gift to the world, he'd be cutting the brake lines on Nickleback's tour bus.

Debbie Harry turned 65 this week. You know what? She's still hot but then maybe I just have a heart of glass.

Man, the economy must be really bad out there because Coco can't afford a full bikini. The good news is, Coco will never drown with those life preservers. And why am I thinking that I need to go to Denny's and have the Moons over My-Hammy?

Chris Brown cried during a tribute to Michael Jackson at the BET awards (see video below). People are claiming that during the performance he went off-stage and got some eye-drops in his eyes to make himself cry. Many are asking if he really did fake the tears. My thoughts: yes, he's a jackass. Those that claim they were real tears were already cheering for the woman beater.

Andrew Garfield, middle, is set to take over for Toby MacGuire in the next Spiderman movie. See the film studio thought it would save a few bucks by re-casting the stars of the series. Also Kirsten Dunst won't be reprising her role as Mary Jane. This mess will start filming this winter and be released next summer. I wonder if it will be going up against Batman in the box office because that would be AWESOME! Batman will crush it.

Al Gore is seriously screwed. Police are re-opening a case of alleged sexual assault. He supposedly assaulted a masseuse and used a classic pick-up line that was shot down: "Come on, baby, release my second chakra." Also the masseuse claims to have DNA evidence. Does that look like the face of a guy who would rape a masseuse? Oh wait...you're on your own Mr. President.

A former Britney Spears bodyguard is talking about what an abusive mom she is. He claims that Britney locks her children in bathrooms and closets, beats them with belts (belts the bodyguards supply), lets them eat silica gel packs, and feeds them food they are allergic to just so she can watch the reaction. CPS needs to have her house on their GPS 24/7. And to think she wants to have another...shudder.

Pucker up for me, baby, one more time.

This is Karissa Shannon. America...fuck, yeah!