Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions. It has been a long week and Cocky has been somewhat exhausted. He is addicted to baseball. He has logged countless hours watching the national past time these past couple of weeks and the pennant chase is set to begin tomorrow. Cocky has been talking with our bookie about placing some bets. Another reason why he is exhausted is that we have a new sponsor.
Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
Me: Good to hear. How is the new sponsor treating you?
Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying. I missed sun-up.
Me: That's unfortunate. What did all the hens do?
Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.
Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor. The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
You two seem like you are pretty funny guys. I mean I laugh so hard at your jokes. Cocky, you are hilarious. I guess what I getting to is, can you guys give me some jokes. I am in a high pressure job and I desperately need to be funny.
Jimmy F. in New York City
Me: Well, Jimmy, humor isn't something that is acquired overnight. You have to develop it.
Cocky: Well then how do you explain yourself?
Me: OK, Jimmy, my suggestion would be that if you have a job that depends on you telling jokes and you're not funny, well you may want to look for other work. However here's a joke you may want to try: A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper in there?"
Cocky: Oh yes, a Catholic joke. How funny! I am surprised you didn't go with a priest and a little boy joke.
Me: Well, Cocky, what do you have to offer?
Cocky: One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution. The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation. She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation. An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer." He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution." She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year." And, Jimmy, you aren't funny. Get off my TV!
Dear Cocky and Godfather,
I have a serious problem. I love my husband but when we make loves it takes him forever to achieve orgasm. I mean sometimes it takes 30 minutes and other times it is 45 minutes to an hour. What should I do?
Worried in Winnentka
Me: Well some people may suggest playing with testicles or the taint or even talking dirty during love making. One thing I would suggest is some serious communication. If it is causing you discomfort, you may want to let him know. However be delicate. It could cause some serious hang-ups and your husband could be scarred emotionally.
Cocky: Lady, are you serious? A lot of women would jump at that chance. Especially if they were working with the Godfather also known as The One Minute Wonder.
Me: Cocky, I don't see how my profficiency is on trial here.
Cocky: It's not. I just love making fun of you sweetheart. Actually what you want to do is lose some weight or gain some weight if that is his thing. If he doesn't want to change, you punch him in the throat and kick that guy to the curb. You need a lover that is good, giving, and game and lasts under 5 minutes.
Me: That's horrible. You also could take advice from me and try role-playing or costume play. That tends to spice things up and break monotony.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
OK, there's this girl in my study hall that I really like and I think she really likes me. I want to ask her to prom but it might not work out. I don't have my driver's license and I really want to impress her by driving us to the prom. Should I ask her out and if so what do I do, do I have her drive or my parents?
Karl in Fairfax
Me: Karl, if this girl likes you, the she likes you for you and not a piece of plastic that enables you to drive. If she is a date-worthy girl, let her know the predicament. Communicate. I don't see anything wrong with letting her drive. Parents may be a bring down.
Cocky: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Karl, you can't take advice on the prom from the Godfather. He never went to his prom.
Me: Well, Cocky, that is because my conservative school didn't offer prom. We had a banquet on a riverboat with the faculty.
Cocky: And you didn't go to that!
Me: Well, no, but to attend you had to be a junior or senior or faculty member at my school and no one from the other grades could attend nor could anyone from outside our school.
Cocky: But you didn't go. Karl, get your ass down to the DMV yesterday! Get that license. A girl won't care if you drive a piece of shit. All that matters is that you have the car.
Me: Cocky, that's sort of contradictory coming from you. I don't think I have ever seen you driving.
Cocky: Well when I was in high school, I had prom and I took my dates to the after party in my T-Bird.
Me: Dates? And you only took them to the after party?
Cocky: Yeah, I skipped the prom and took my ladies straight to the after party because that is how I roll.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Godfather, I slept with a cougar last weekend. What does your mom look like?
Cougar Hunter in Cashton
Me: See this is the problem with posting questions on formspring.
Cocky: She looks like Captain Lou with less facial hair but more rubberbands
Me: Cocky, how can you talk about my mother like that?
Cocky: It’s quite easy. Also, CH, if you still can’t get that last anal bead removed you might want to head to the emergency room soon and don’t worry it should be covered by your HMO.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What’s the meaning of life?
Meaningless in Menasha
Me: This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been asked. One could look at it from a religious standpoint or one could look at it from a psychological standpoint but the overall answer I would give is…
Cocky: Get laid
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Paddington in Potosi
Me: When I was younger and more naïve, I based my knowledge on that subject on the commercials. I thought that women secreted a blue substance when they went horseback riding or played tennis. I think the reason they use blue is to not completely “gross out” the male audience.
Cocky: What the Godfather is trying to say is that women are other-worldly beings that have blue blood
Me: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Cocky: That’s right, the last girlfriend you had who told you she was on her period, you curled up in a ball in a corner and were in a catatonic state for a week
Me: Well that’s not entirely true
Cocky: That’s right, she told you after you went yodeling in the canyon
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My cousin was just drafted by the Texas Rangers. Is there any advice you can give him?
Baseball Family in Baraboo
Me: Well I wouldn’t sign with that organization because they have had a history of financial difficulties and screw their draft picks out of signing bonuses.
Cocky: Never trust anyone from Texas.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Why do so many people add “life is good” to their blog posts?
Good Times in Grafton
Me: Well maybe they are just happy and content with their life that they have to share.
Cocky: “Life is good” is the new “Fuck My Life”
OK, I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.
Recent Comments