We had three inches of rain today and the river leading out of town is over the banks.  If we get any more rain it will be covering the highway.  I'm thankful we didn't get the storms that southern Wisconsin got with all the tornadoes and damaging winds.  My night was calm.  I tried reading the Bible to plan building my ark but I don't think I have the patience.  Anyway here are this week's links...enjoy.

1.  The URL says it all: "Don't Even Reply".  I love emails from assholes and I thank people for falling for those traps.  Honestly, the suggested ad would make them the busiest barber shop in town.

2.  I like comedy.  I bet you couldn't tell.  Well here are some videos of some of the best comedy duos in movie history.  I have no complaints with the list.

3.  Can you believe that Justin Bieber is still a child?  Here's a post from the Huffington Post which features actual Bieber quotes.  Sweet lord, that kid is a dullard.

4.  This dude is a baller and probably rolling in the honeys as we speak.

5.  This craigslist ad is the ROCKNESS...too bad they spelled Paul Bunyan wrong.  I am actually thinking of inquiring about the axe.

6.  Are you writing a book and need stock photos?  Well if you are looking for awkward photos try Awkward Stock Photos.  I'm thinking of using that site when I finish my book just for random awkward photos.

7.  I know there are a few artists that read my blog so this might be fun for you.  It's called Flock Draw and it enables you to draw photos with other people at the same time.  I would do it but I'd probably end up drawing penises everywhere.

8.  I know I've posted this one before but it is still one of my favorite websites.  It's called Pop That Zit.  All it is, is a collection of zit popping videos and photos.  Oh there's the occasional cyst removal or bot fly removal.  I am hypnotized by that site.  This has to be the grossest video.

9.  I look at bacon and I drool because I can't eat it and imitation bacon doesn't seem kosher to me so all I eat is matzah.  My Life is Jewish.

10.  Admit it...you own a Snuggie.  How much fun could one have with a Snuggie?  Well here is the Snuggie Sutra which has sexual positions for you while you keep warm wearing your Snuggie.  It's hard to pick a favorite but I'd have to go with The Horse Blanket or The Night In.

11.  Here's a fun site.  It's called Sex Paint.  People admit embarassing stories about sex by using MS Paint.  This is my favorite.

12.  You don't like overweight girls?  Yes, I do...I like all girls so I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm thinking of doing another post tomorrow and see what the reaction will be.  Stay tuned.

Hey...one of my favorite beers made it on the Today Show!  I need to get totally naked to enjoy some Totally Naked.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present...THE MULLET TO END ALL MULLETS!

It's time for another question entry.  Time sure has flown by this week.  It has been a dreadful week as far as weather goes here in Lake Wobegone...

WTF!  Garrison Keillor tried to hijack my blog.  No mas, old man!  Go take your Lutheran jokes elsewhere!

Now, Garrison Keillor free...thank God.  Cocky and I are back to answer your questions about life, love, and all things in between.

Time for another round of advice with me and my cock, Cocky McCockburns.  Yes, I realize I am immature but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself...douchebag.

Me: Are you ready, Cocky?
Cocky:  Cocked, locked, and ready to unload some advice

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do I make sure Sarah Palin never makes it to the elections in 2012?
                                          Palin Hater in Potosi
Me: The first thing I would suggest is that you petition your senators and representatives to propose legislation that would expel Alaska from the United States thus by making it a foreign nation which would mean Sarah Palin couldn't run for office.
Cocky:  What a smart man!  You bitch and whine about gas prices just imagine how bad they will get if we eliminate Alaska and the Goddess of the North.  Oh she is so fine.  She makes me get up each morning and perch on my wood. 
Me: Cocky, you really didn't answer the question.
Cocky: MMMM bringing down a moose...snowmobiling...dress wearing...turkey pardoning....I am in love!  Ok, want to get rid of Sarah Palin?  MITT ROMNEY 2012!!!! Embrace it, love it, sniff it...oh yeah he smells like money.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
This isn't so much a question but a statement that I would like to read your opinion on the matter:  I believe our society is consumed with voyeurism and we shouldn't complain when the studios feed us reality TV or the Britneys or Parises of the world because we enjoy watching trainwrecks.  Take it away guys.
                                                                          Abel in Arizona
Me: I believe you are touching an exposed nerve here.  There is no lazier television than reality television and we only ask for more when we watch that crap and not quality programming.  This is why Arrested Development is off the air as is Studio 60 and just another reason why Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock are on the chopping block.  People have historically always slowed down to stare at the car wreck on the highway.
Cocky: If some network or studio tried to feed me Paris or Britney, I'd send that shit back to the kitchen because I don't eat crabs...but I would enjoy dining on clams...OH SNAP!  Give this cock a hand slap!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Sometimes I feel that the people closest to me are actually the ones that I want to avoid. It's not that I hate them. I just feel that whenever I try to bring up conversation topics that I feel are worth talking about, (like politics, history of the universe, underlying layers in deep movies, etc.) it goes right over their heads. Where are all the dreamers and thinkers?
                                                                       Jenny in Hillsboro, WI
Me: It is certainly difficult when you have friends that you hold near and dear, but you feel that you can't have meaningful conversations with them.  Probably most of the time you are with these friends you are at social functions like parties or relaxing at the bar or restaurant after a long day of work.  People really don't want to dive into heavy topics after a hard day's work. They just want to dive into their Moons over My Hammy.  They don't want to leave their comfort zone.  One thing that you could do is set-up a specific get-together that is intended for political discussion.  Not like a book club but something like the old thinking depots of yore.  This could persuade people to come out of their shell and talk about the things you want to discuss.
Cocky: BRAVO!  Why don't you just have a Keith Olbermann viewing party?  You could take a shot whenever he does an aside to the camera or talks in a funny voice or makes a reference to sports or how evil the Republican party is.
Me:  Well what is your suggestion?
Cocky:  Clearly, Jenny, you aren't the alpha female in the pack that you run with.  Why don't you hate them?  Punch them in the throat if they don't want to talk about what you do.  I guarantee a punch in the throat will do the trick but of course it may be some time before they start talking.  You ask where all the dreamers and thinkers are?  Well you are in Hillsboro, Wisconsin.  They are at the Kwik Trip at 229 Mill Street.  There are only 5 of them there in Hillsboro.  They usually hang out behind the dumpsters smoking Kools and you can find them most every night.  They hold their discussion groups on Thursdays at 8:30PM, rain or shine.  You should be careful because the big one, the one they call Roscoe, he tries to play grab-ass with new members.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Who is the greatest character in a movie or TV show about the Old West?
                                                                             Shane in Tulsa
Me:  I am not much of a fan of the old westerns that you saw on tv or in the theater.  I do however enjoy the new westerns such as Unforgiven, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, Open Range, The Assassination of Jesse James, and the HBO series Deadwood.  My favorite character would have to come from Deadwood, Al Swearengen.  You root for him despite his being labeled "the bad guy". 
Cocky:  Two words...Rooster Cogburn

Me: No surprise there.
Cocky:  There he is enjoying the Fighting Cock, did you know they originally intended to name him after my family name, McCockburns, but they thought it was too ethnic-y. 
Me: So what about Cockburns Port?
Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
Me:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
Me: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What do you suggest I do for my birthday?

                                    Birthday Girl in Baraboo

Me: Well I’m not one to celebrate birthdays or maybe that was just my family.  This year I grilled a steak and had a beer…alone.

Cocky: God you are so depressing.  People are probably cutting themselves after reading that.  Say, girl, this is what you want to do for your birthday…a dude and a chick.  I’ll be the dude and given the Godfather’s recent answers he’ll definitely be the chick.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I’m a gassy individual.  It’s very embarrassing especially around the ladies.  How do I make this stop?

                                    Gassy in Glencoe

Me: I’d recommend avoiding food that makes you gassy or invest in Beano or Gas-X

Cocky: Just fart.  If they can’t love you for your entire person and that includes gas, they aren’t worth it.  Plus if they bitch about it, just yell “QUEEF!”

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Do hookers drop their prices during these hotter months?

                                    Prostitute Positive in Poysippi

Me: Actually I think they raise the prices because they shell out more money for hotel room with air conditioning

Cocky: Prices aren’t the only thing they raise.  Hey, how do you know so much about prostitute price rates?

Me: Well I have been working with a non-profit group trying to get women off the streets and into normal lives.

Cocky: Oh so you’re a whore-to-culture-ist

Me: Why do I walk into those?

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.