So hot...can't function...Noah's Ark, Kalahari, or Mt. Oylmpus...too hot to make decision but I know I will not go to the glorified carnival with wave pool that is Riverview.  I suppose I could get a kiddie pool, put it my backyard and fill it with ice.  Brain hurts.  Time to mock celebrities and reveal intimate details of my life.  Images not safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

OMG Tori Spelling is...EATING!  This photo may be more elusive than Bigfoot photos or the second sniper on the grassy knoll.  The photographer is now set for life.

OK here's the situation on The Situation, the greasy slimeball from Jersey Shore.  He's the guy in the middle.  If I was a producer of that show AKA Satan I would totally fire his ass for this photo but then the family that turtlenecks together is a family that stays together.  If I can't fire him, I would force him to wear that turtleneck for the entire season.

Lately I have really been criticizing Taylor Momsen and rightfully so but this week she revealed something that we didn't need to know.  In an interview she was asked if she had a boyfriend.  She said that she didn't and that she wasn't into men but wasn't gay.  She's just bored with men and then she let the world know that her best friend is a vibrator.  SHE'S 16 FUCKING YEARS OLD!  When I was 16 I wasn't off playing with vibrators.  I had my G.I. Joes and Hot Wheels.  OK so maybe I didn't play with vibrators but other sex related aids but I never revealed it to a national magazine.  Well at least she's not like Miley Cyrus standing at the free clinic trying to get the morning after pill but how does a teenage girl and a vibrator share BFF necklaces?

Snooki (not pictured because my monitor can't handle the extreme orange color that is her skin) said that she hates Heidi Montag and wants to beat her up because Heidi looks like an alien.  You know that is sort of like Paris Hilton criticizing the Mariana Trench for being too gaping.  Either way...I hope they both catch Ebola.

This is Shay.  She is Kanye West's new girlfriend.  Shay claims that her 30JJ breasts are biodegradable and completely real just like the rest of her body.  Yeah.  I think I may need to do some hands-on experiments to determine the authenticity of those claims.

Shakira was posing for a photo shoot this week.  I had to take a lot of time and inspect these photos.  Now you know why I have no social life.

Selena Gomez turned 18 this week.  Now I can legally see a double meaning to her sucking that lollipop.  I feel guilty since she still looks like she is 13 and coming to my house to sell me Girl Scout Cookies.  I'm going to jail but before I go I'll take a case of Samoas and those Dulce de Leche cookies.

Phyllis Diller turned 93 this week.  Good lord, she's still alive.  Phyllis once said, "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."  I think in this case she'll have to be nice to her grandchildren because they will also have to pick a rest home for Phyllis' kids.

Paris Hilton took some time from her hectic schedule of smoking weed and filming sex tapes to flash us her panties.  I'M SHOCKED!  I never knew Paris wore underwear.

Why is it that this picture of Paris Hilton jumping into the ocean seems to be missing something?

BECAUSE IT IS!  That's better.

One of my venerable readers asked me my take on this story.  Natali del Conte is a blogger and host on CNET.  She is knocked up.  Now comes the question..."who's the baby daddy?"  There has been silence from del Conte however many people are pointing to a FOX News anchor named Clayton Morris.  Seriously, how could someone that hot sleep with a dude named Clayton?  I hear dueling banjos.  To make the rumors worse, Morris' wife divorced him shortly after the rumors started to spread.  Hmmm they sure are conservative over there at FOX News...extramarital affairs and illegitimate children...tsk tsk tsk.  The show Morris appears on should change it's name to FOX and more than just Friends.

Neil Patrick Harris found a double rainbow and he didn't cry.  Well I guess he is used to seeing a lot of rainbows so he's calm.

It was recently announced that Mickey Rourke would be starring in a biographical movie as Gareth Thomas, an openly gay rugby player.  Come on...there is no way Mickey could play a rugby player.  Given how his skin looks like leather, they should have cast him in the role of the rugby ball.

Up until she was processed, Lindsay thought that she wouldn't be going to jail so in the hours before she was imprisoned she did a photo shoot.  Great work!  Nothing like being delusional (as I look in the mirror and flex my muscles and think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread).

Here's some good Lindsay Lohan news, once she is finished with her sentence she will begin filming the Deepthroat movie.  The director, Matthew Wilder, says that Lindsay will be doing nude scenes.  His words are better than mine: "There will be full frontal nudity. But it will not be cinematic nudity – it will be more violent nudity. For example, linked images of the Vietnam war – that kind of context. It’s not a porn movie, it’s an artistic movie about a porn star. We will not see Lindsay performing oral sex, but there could be some clever play with black boxes or other cinematic tricks that the viewer may see.” So I guess if it's not artistic, I won't be get to see the fire-crotch blazing as a John Williams directed orchestra swells toward climax.  WTF?  Is this shit being produced by Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom?  HA!  If anyone gets that reference without using the intertubes and is female, I'll propose marriage.

Robert Shapiro once defended a brutal murderer in court but he quit being Lindsay Lohan's lawyer.  Now, that is bad.  Shapiro never said why he ended their relationship.  Maybe he didn't want to ruin his record of getting people out of jail despite committing crimes or maybe he saw the writing on the wall and got off the boat before it sank. 

This was Lindsay's last Tweet before jail.  At first I thought she was talking about soccer and yellow cards.

Lindsay's mugshot was so pretty.  Orange really is a good color for her.  I bet her mom will put it on the family refrigerator.  The good news for the Lohan family is that Lindsay will probably only serve 14 days of her 90 day sentence.  Where is the justice in that?

As a sign of solidarity for her big sister, Ali Lohan has refused to wear a bra while Lindsay is in prison.  Ali's breasts will remain unshackled by the restraints of a bra while her sister is in solitary confinement.  Actually she's just a stupid Lohan and probably did the no bra look for attention. 

Linda Hogan was spotted with her boyfriend Charlie, her son Nick's high school friend.  The reason Charlie kissed Linda is because she has been helping Charlie fill out college applications.  Hopefully the school that accepts him will allow visitors in the dorms after 10PM.

Kim Kardashian was at the beach....DAMN

Katy Perry is on vacation and this just in...I'm starting to get to work.

The Stepford Wife transformation of Katie Holmes is nearly complete.  She just has to get rid of her pesky thought process.  Actually she is on the set of a movie called The Kennedys.  She's playing Jackie O and Greg Kinnear is playing JFK. She fits the role.

For an episode of Kate Gosslein's reality show, she and her kids will be traveling to Alaska and will go camping with Sarah Palin.  I pray that Dick Cheney shows up to shoot them in the face.  My only question is, who's the biggest ass?  I had to edit myself. 

J-Woww was photographed by Maxim magazine.  Apparently Maxim thinks that hot women don't exist anymore.  I do have to give J-Woww props for use of the Popsicle.  Give me a break, it's been a long time which is why this youtube video is so awesome.  Birthday girl, Phyllis Diller is in that video...I think that makes you not want to click the link.

Julianne Hough is actually dating Ryan Seacrest.  She said that he has been hitting on her since she was 18 but she spurned his advances because she, like the rest of the world, thought he was gay.  I wonder if she knows who Brian Dunkleman is. 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's name has come up numerous times in casting calls for the next Batman movie.  The insider is saying that Chris Nolan wants him to play the Riddler.  Let the speculation begin because this could get interesting.  Thank god, this insider said there is no way Johnny Depp will be in the movie.  I am still hoping for Daniel Day Lewis to play Victor Zsasz.

Jennifer Aniston sure knows how to exit a car.  She launched her perfume called Lolavie this week and admitted she really didn't like it.  She also got a boyfriend stalker this week.  How can she still be single?  She stays fit because she claims she runs seven days a week.  What Jennifer doesn't say is that the running she does is chasing her cats or looking for a new stalker boyfriend.

Ice T was busted for driving without a license and not wearing a seatbelt.  He promptly went on Twitter and posted the officer's badge number.  If I was a cop, I'd let them go as long as I got to spend some private time in my squad car giving Coco a lashing.  How did Ice T remember the badge number.  I think Coco's camel toe ate the badge. 

Holly Madison needs to stop wearing 1950s style toddler dresses.  Also she can come to my house to suck on a lollipop any time.  No, it's not what you think.  I just bought a bag of Dum-Dums and there is no way I can eat them all myself.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  I hope that when I'm 76, I can be like Giorgio Amrani and wear a banana sling.  I can't even wear one now.

Enrique Iglesias took a fan's camera and snapped a photo of his junk and then handed the camera back to the fan.  I wonder how many times he had to press zoom.  That fan is possibly sitting on a gold mine.

Here's a lot of something for the ladies.  Dolph Lundgren is shooting some snot rockets.  Check your panties at the door, ladies.

Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly paid $15million for a woman to have his baby and then cut all ties with the child.  He met the woman at a bar and she was a cocktail waitress.  So I guess the new American Dream is to be a cocktail waitress and get knocked up by a celebrity.  Apparently his pick-up line with the waitress was "Me, you, fuck fuck."  I really need to see where that line will get me.  So this is fueling the gay rumors because he is basically getting a baby the Ricky Martin way and he's been hanging out with Lance Bass.  Oh well, if he's straight, you're probably out of his league and if he's gay then you don't have the proper team equipment.

Christina Applegate announced this week that she is pregnant.  This is great news for her since earlier this year or late last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Alex Trebek turned 70 this week.  What is old for 2000?

Adrienne Curry did some more posing for her Twitter fans.  This relationship she has with Twitter is well documented.  I can't imagine what she would do if Twitter ever closed.  XANGA?  She also posted some photos of her at Comic Con.  I wonder if she posts these because she is bored with marriage.  Maybe it's some sort of weird Brady sex fetish.  Either way...I'm thankful.

Work it, Amy Winehouse.  I don't know if she is posing or trying to have sex with that speaker.  I hear that bass beats are supposed to do something special for ladies.  People claim that if you look at her belly, you can see a bump which means she may be pregnant.  NO!  Amy is just getting a cute little beer belly.

Wow...Britney's poor hair.  The only positive is that she won't get head lice because her head is obviously a place where no living thing wants to be.

Britney Spears made $60million last year.  Who goes to her concerts?  Oh yeah...preteens and sex offenders who wear sweat pants.  If you want a cheaper musical experience just head to Old Country Buffet on Tuesday nights when they have their barbecue night.  Jessica Simpson will be there and she'll be playing music.

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend.  Stay cool and classy, Xanga.