You can learn a lot from watching porn. Here are just a few observations that I have made over the years. Warning: These may not be applicable to real life.
1. Women wear high heels to bed. 2. Men are never impotent, no matter their age. 3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but will insist he has sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when males splat them in the face. 6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle aged men. 7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving oral. 8. Women always have an orgasm at the same time as a man. 9. A blow job always gets a woman out of a speeding ticket. 10. All women are loud in bed. 11. Back in the 1970s, people couldn't have sex without a wild guitar solo in the background. 12. All breasts are real. 13. A regular and enjoyable sexual practice is when a man takes his half-erect penis and slaps a woman in the face with it. 14. When a man has an orgasm, he will always say, "Oh yeah!" 15. If there are two men having relations with a female, they most certainly always high-five each other and the woman is never offended. 16. Double penetration makes women smile. 17. For some reason Asian men do not exist. 18. If you happen across a couple having sex in the bushes, the male will not tell you to get lost but will insist that his girl's mouth is ready. 19. There's plot. 20. Slapping a woman on the butt is always excitable for the woman involved. 21. Besides giving medicine, nurses give other jobs to male patients. 22. Men always pull out. 23. When your girlfriend catches you in bed with her best friend, she won't be angry, but will join you in the festivities. 24. Headaches do not exist. 25. When receiving oral pleasure from a woman, men it is pertinent that you remind them to "suck it". 26. Everything is always clean and no problem with hygiene especially with ATM. 27. Men ejaculating all over a woman's body is a satisfying result for all parties involved. 28. Women are always surprised when opening a man's pants to find out that he has a penis. 29. Men never have to beg. 30. Pigtails=handlebars. 31.Hitch-hiking is glamorous and always results in sex. 32.Pizza delivery boys and repairmen are the greatest jobs a man could wish for. 33.Pizza delivery boys and repairmen always have sex when they deliver or make house calls. 34.All food in porn movies is nothing more than another sex toy.
Here are some that were submitted by Xanga users. I didn't include their names because I didn't know if I had permission to repost them. 35. Women enjoy getting slapped with penises 36. All lesbians are “girly” 37. All lesbians carry bags filled with sex toys 38. All stockings are crotchless 39. Baby oil and saliva are acceptable lubricants 40. All women are hairless 41. Playing with globs of saliva is sexy 42. All women are ready to jump in the sack with anyone at anytime. 43. Big penises make up for lack of personality 44. Normal penis size is 12” and anything less is unacceptable 45. Ron Jeremy and John Holmes are somehow sexy and appealing to women 46. The majority of female porn stars are rail thin, fake tanned, with humongous boobs. 47. If there is more than one woman in the scene they will inevitably get it on while the guy enjoys. But if there is more than one guy in a scene they NEVER get it on while the girl enjoys. 48. Females have an infinite amount of spittle and because of this there is no need for KY.
New additions: 49. Any girl with pigtails is considered a "teen" 50. All other women are MILFs 51. You will be able to use all porn moves in your own bed. 52. No one kisses when they have sex but if they have the desire to kiss, they flick each other's tongues with absolutely no lip contact. 53. Sometimes, poop is more than just poop. 54. Asians have pixelated groins. 55. Women love it when men talk trashy. 56. Men are just willing victims and all women are sexually aggressive. 57. Groping a secretary will always lead to sex and never a sexual harassment lawsuit. 58. All job interviews end with sex. 59. All Catholic school girls look like they are in their 30s. 60. All lesbians are willing to get with men at a moment's notice 61. Felating sex toys is essential 62. If your friend's mom is hot, she will automatically have sex with you when your friend isn't around and if he interrupts you, he may just join in. 63. There is no such thing as condoms or STDs. 64. Foreplay is non-existent...so that one may be true in real life as well. 65. Female little people are ferocious. 66. People in a crowded bus wont even mind that you have loud sex in the middle of the bus. 67. Strange men in vans are perfectly acceptable if they are waving around a handful of $50's and no cops will arrest them for soliciting. 68. Wives are always willing to engage in lesbian sex and threesomes, even if it means that the other woman is their sister. 69. There are no fat guys. 70. Women wear make-up to bed. 71. Viagra, Cialis, Levitra are not needed. 72. Everyone smiles at the camera. 73. Vaginas can take extreme amounts of abuse 74. Women can't get pregnant from a cream pie. 75. There are only two underwear options for women: sexy lingerie and commando 76. If she says it's her first time, it's her first time 77. Hotels are glamorous film locations. 78. Public bathrooms are always sanitary 79. All female superiors at work are hot and will bone you at the drop of a hat. 80. When women order pizza they always order extra sausage. 81. Wherever you find a hole, if you stick your dick through it a hot girl will be on the other side to service you. 82. Spit makes everything shine. 83. All a guy needs to get sex is a clever one-line joke. 84. All porn is good 85. There are things you can learn from porn. 86. If you are a step-father your step-daughter will ahve sex with you no matter how unattractive you are and your only objection will be, "What if your mother finds out?" And when the mother finds out threesomes will abound. 87. Women willingly get into vans so they can have sex. 88. Women will have sex with you if there is a possibility they'll get a job 89. Female teachers are always hot, always wear glasses, and are always attracted to their students. 90. All male teachers have enormous penises 91. Female students will have sex with their teacher to get a good grade right after class 92. No one locks doors 93. Women always have orgasms 94. There are always people having sex in college dorms 95. People have sex in public at every party 96. Pregnancy does not exist 97. Japanese women are attracted to squid. 98. The Japanese have perfectly normal sexual desires 99. The Germans have perfectly normal sexual desires 100. Women think it's normal to have sex with 50 strangers when they go to the supermarket.
You know, I was watching Marty earlier tonight and it is eerily similar to my life except I'm not a butcher. Some images may not be safe for work or safe for life...NSFW and NSFL
The mouse isn't happy with Zac Efron. He has been spotted at strip joints throughout Hollywood. Of course his girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, has not been seen with him even at the premier of his recent movie. At one club it was reported that he spent $2000. I feel bad for Vanessa. She goes all out for this guy and sends him nude pics and he goes to a strip club?!?!?!?! It sounds like Vanessa could use a well-toned, muscular, manly shoulder to cry on. I'm here for you Vanessa. MAKE WAY FOR A LADY! Oh Victoria Silverstedt...you are so classy. So there's a treat for you and by treat I mean saying you $70 because now you won't need a penicillin shot. You're welcome! Rihanna has signed on to star in a movie opposite Taylor Kitsch and Alexander Skarsgard. The movie will be a film adaptation of the board game Battleship. WHAT THE FUCK! OK I could see Candyland getting the movie treatment BUT BATTLE-FUCKING-SHIP? Acid had to have played a role in this movie getting the go ahead to be made. How is it going to work? b4...g10...you sunk my air craft carrier? I bet it will be a hit with the ladies if Taylor and Alexander have a side story where they claim they are allergic to shirts. Ellen DeGeneres announced via Twitter that she was leaving American Idol. She explained her decision later on her blog. She claimed that she didn't like judging people although she loved finding new talent. I hated her on that show because she brought nothing to the discussion. I was hoping that they would try to replace her with Paula Abdul but FOX couldn't secure a Vicodin vending machine for her dressing room. Glenn Beck called dibs. Well my dreams of Paula and Howard Stern or Bret Michaels have been dashed. It has been announced that Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will be replacing Simon Cowell. The producers also fired Kara Dioguardi. Ellen and Kara will be replaced by Jennifer Lopez. Well her butt is the size of two normal butts so it is fitting. The line up next year will be Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler, and Jennifer Lopez. I am thankful they got rid of Kara. Watching her was about as enjoyable as getting a prostate exam from Freddy Krueger. I hope JLo sings her hit song "Taco Flavored Kisses". I am thinking Steven Tyler will be a great addition because American Idol is a trainwreck and wherever there is a trainwreck you can find Steven Tyler wearing a conductor's hat. Here we see JLo celebrating her new job by swimming in some shallow water. Is it me or does it look like she is swimming in a diaphragm. Snooki claims she doesn't want to wear bikinis anymore because she thinks that one pieces are sexier. You know, I have mixed feelings for her. There are times when I think she is cute and then there are times when I think she belongs on Jane Goodall's shoulder. Here are some photos from the remake of "Arthur" starring Russell Brand as the lead. Why must they remake every good movie? I hear they are in negotiations to remake The Hangover. And now I am off to search Google to see if holy water can wash away the scabies in my eyes. Thanks, Russell. Hey, Nick Nolte took his yearly bath and cleaned up rather nicely. Remember when that guy was considered a sex symbol? I do because my mom adored him. I thought I would include his photo because it's odd to see him not looking like he's homeless and he's also in the remake of "Arthur". This guy with Paris Hilton is her sugar daddy, Taek Jho Low. He has been paying for her to travel around the world and keeping her drunk. People are claiming that he has spent over $5million for champagne. I wonder what he expects in return for paying for her to travel and get drunk. I'm expecting Paris to disappear for 9 months and then reappear with a baby Asian girl. The Aryan princess, Paris, was caught imitating Hitler. A rep for Paris claims that Paris doesn't hate Jews and that she has plenty of Jewish friends. Paris does have a checking account and has been in movies so I guess that means she has Jewish friends...damn, I've been listening to Mel Gibson and Oliver Stone a little too much lately. Speaking of Oliver Stone... Oliver Stone stepped in shit last weekend and uttered the famous phrase, "Jews control everything." He claimed, "Hitler was a Frankenstein but there was also a Dr Frankenstein, German industrialists, the Americans and the British. He had a lot of support." He went on to say, "Hitler did far more damage to the Russians than [to] the Jewish people, 25 or 30 [million killed]." He also claimed Hitler was an easy scapegoat. Why do few people know this? Oliver says, "The Jewish domination of the media. There's a major lobby in the United States. They are hard workers. They stay on top of every comment, the most powerful lobby in Washington. Israel has fucked up the United States." Oliver has since apologized for these comments. If you don't see me around Xanga for a few days it's because I'm working on some "Mel Gibson, Oliver Stone, and a rabbi walk into a bar" jokes. This is Montana Fishburne. She is the daughter of Lawrence Fishburne. She decided that to advance her career she needed to make a sex tape and to cut out all the claims of having it stolen, she went to a porn company and shot a movie with an actual porn star. Her future is going to be bright and inflamed. All I know about this is that Cowboy Curtis is not amused. Miranda Kerr rushed to wed Orlando Bloom a few weeks ago. It turns out that the reason they married is because she is expecting. Orlando Bloom doesn't have to work for the rest of his life. He will be worshiped by men the world over because he knocked up a Victoria's Secret model. His penis will be dipped in gold and will be paraded through the streets. OK, I hope not but if I was in his shoes, I'd let myself go because I'd be on easy street. Mel B of the Spice Girls took time out of her hectic schedule of weightlifting and sex to go to the beach this week. So why am I posting this? She's hot. Linda Hogan, who is 50 years old, will be marrying her boyfriend Charlie Hill, 21 years old. They are getting married aboard her yacht which is named Alimony. The funny thing is Hulk Hogan may have the last laugh when it comes to alimony and the yacht. Once she gets married, he no longer has to pay her alimony and to pay her bills and Charlie's college tuition, Linda has considered selling the yacht. Brooke has announced that she will not be attending Linda's wedding because she doesn't think it is right for Linda to marry her son's high school classmate. I think the only way the Hogan family can settle this is with a no holds barred cage match either that or another reality series. Speaking of Brooke Hogan, here we see her leaving Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. Is it me or does her round belly make it look like she's pregnant? I'd like to be the first to congratulate Brooke...this just in...Brooke is not pregnant. The Bob Hope Airport has a Cinnabon kiosk. Hulk Hogan is trying to sell a new product. He thinks this product will make him the next Billy Mays. This "miracle" product is said to be a liquid hand sanitizer that contains pumice. WOW! Just because the Hulkster looks like Orange Glo doesn't mean he can replace Billy Mays. Hogan needs to be in every other commercial and do massive amounts of cocaine just to equal Billy Mays. Kings of Leon were playing an outdoor show in St. Louis this week but they had to cut the concert short after just three songs. It seems that the pigeons didn't appreciate their music. They were being crapped on by numerous pigeons. The lead singer actually got hit in the mouth by pigeon poop. Now Kings of Leon understand why I have a phobia of birds. One time, while in Sault St. Marie, I had a sea gull crap on me and ever since I've feared birds. I don't think even Spinal Tap had birds crap on them so Kings of Leon should consider themselves legends. Once again...Kim Kardashian...damn! This is Kendall Jenner. She is Kim Kardashian's younger sister. She's an aspiring model and wants to follow in the footsteps of big sis Kim. Did I mention Kendall is 14? *Backs away slowly* NEXT! Remember all that weight Kevin Federline lost on Celebrity Fit Club? Good news, he found it. This is Glenn Beck's high school yearbook photo from 1982. Is that a promise ring? He looks like he is auditioning to be an extra in a John Hughes movie. This photo could really hurt his career. Isn't the hand on chin yearbook pose a tool of socialists to get their agenda passed in the Senate and Congress? This is Elisabetta Canalis. She's George Clooney's girlfriend. She has found herself in the middle of a scandal in Italy because of her new celebrity status.. Before she and George got together, people claim she was an escort that catered to celebrities and got them to purchase massive amounts of cocaine from the Italian mafia. Which is more surprising: she was an escort or she's considered a celebrity? Drew Carey says that he has lost 70lbs since January. He attributes the weight loss to diet and exercise. He says that he drinks only water and eats no carbs. I don't believe him. I bet after they finish taping The Price is Right, he's busting his ass spinning the Big Wheel and doing cardio by running up and down the stairs of the Plinko game. Casey Affleck is getting sued by a producer of his documentary about Joaquin Phoenix. I guess the cat's out of the bag. All that crazy stuff Joaquin did in the past year was for a documentary. Amanda White, the producer, claims she is suing Casey because she claims he sexually harassed her amongst other things. She claims that Casey constantly told male crew members to expose their dicks in front of her, Casey would tell her about his sex life as well as the sex lives of other celebrities, Casey called women "cows", when she said how old she was Casey asked why she wasn't pregnant, Casey was always trying to get her to share hotel rooms, Casey and Joaquin used Amanda's hotel room one day for encounters with hookers, and Casey also hired transsexual prostitutes for photo shoots without her permission. Casey claims that Amanda was fired during production and she didn't quit without being paid like she also claims. The most disturbing thing about this is how Casey and his brother-in-law (Casey is married to Joaquin's sister, Summer) boned prostitutes in the same room. That was during Joaquin's "Dirty" period. Don't think too long on that one. I guarantee that movie will be a hit. Believe it or not but Bon Jovi didn't want these photos released. Thank you, Harvey Levin, for not respecting his wishes. These photos were taken in Bon Jovi's heyday back in the mid 80s. Now his idea of a wild time is drinking a double amount of Centrum Silver. You know it's strange but these photos explore some of my favorite things. I loved early Bon Jovi especially the "Slippery When Wet" album and I also love boobs but the photo would be better without Bon Jovi visible. I'd just like to hear "Livin' on a Prayer" while the boobs were exposed. Here we see Angelina walking through airport with some of her brood. Smack that Pax up! Maddox smacked Pax right in the kisser. Maddox should have taken lessons from my parents in how to properly hit a kid who "mouthed off". Angelina Jolie was in Moscow for the premier of her movie Salt. Don't worry, she's not there to adopt any children. She's just window shopping. Well that was a quick retirement. Hopefully this means that Amanda will be working on a sequel to "She's the Man". Andy Dick had a little too much to drink one night this week...ok it was more than one night but he was caught by paparazzi on this specific night and yes, he pissed himself. I won't post that photo. It was nasty. The paparazzi are vultures who take the worst angles on the photos to make people look horrible but then this is Andy Dick and he does plenty to make himself look bad. Coco is very subtle. She posted this on Twitter and it was taken down by the administrators. Twitter sucks. I've seen much worse over at Twitter. I don't know why they wouldn't let her keep her ass on Twitter when that magnificent butt is visible on Google Earth. Elizabeth Berkley turned 38 this week. I think this calls for a Saved by the Bell 20th Reunion Special. Oh and that gif file is from Saved by the Bell: After Bayside...well that was the original title of Showgirls. And I saved the best for last...people are claiming that Lindsay Lohan is given preferential treatment in jail. Last week she received visitors whereas the other prisoners can only have visitors on the weekends. I bet I know how Lindsay got those special visits. She is studying up on her role as Linda Lovelace and she was best known for Deep Throat. Maybe the prison officials feel bad for her because the other prisoners are tormenting her by chanting "fire crotch" at all hours. The other prisoners are pissed off because whenever Lindsay is moved, the entire joint goes on lockdown. What is this? 4th grade? Wouldn't a Zip-Lock bag filled with urine make a better point? Celebrity thief, Alexis Neiers was released after Lindsay was admitted and Alexis claims that all Lindsay was doing was crying and she could be heard by other prisoners. In Lindsay's defense, she's probably getting ready for all the movie roles that will come rolling in once she is released from prison. So Lindsay's pretty much handling prison exactly like I thought she would. What, did you really think Lindsay would have some Zen-like experience in jail where she sat in silent self-reflection for hours a day and ultimately transformed herself into a better person? Of course not. The only thing Lindsay's taking home from this whole experience is lice. Michael Lohan claims he has people who've reached out to Robert Downey Jr. and Marky Mark to talk to Lindsay to help get her off the drugs. Who are your people? Crockett and Tubbs? A group of Vietnam veterans who escaped from a federal penitentiary because they were wrongly accused of committing a crime? A mad scientist and a high school student who travel in time with a tricked out DeLorean? Those are the only people that can help Lindsay now. Lindsay's mom Dina, is suffering because of all this. Apparently she thought "jail" meant "day spa". She recently said, "She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.” I hate to break it to her but you don't get to jail by scratching off a lottery ticket or winning the Grand Prize Game. Also Lindsay has a set of hair dressers on call in case she is released immediately. She will not reappear without being made over because apparently the jailers made her take out all her weaves. The thing about that is, the jail will not allow her to have this makeover because they don't want to turn her exit into a model runway. She's also having tantrums because once she is released from jail she has to report to rehab. The rehab is located on a beach on the Pacific coast. What is with her? I'd love to get addicted to drugs so I could go to that classy joint...maybe not.
Video Section: Justin Bieber has a Segway? What a douche! I feel sorry for all those girls screaming and running after an asshole. I can't believe he escaped that mob. Those girls must have just learned how to walk or they just love running around screeching like a pack of wild hyenas in heat.
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