We had three inches of rain today and the river leading out of town is over the banks.  If we get any more rain it will be covering the highway.  I'm thankful we didn't get the storms that southern Wisconsin got with all the tornadoes and damaging winds.  My night was calm.  I tried reading the Bible to plan building my ark but I don't think I have the patience.  Anyway here are this week's links...enjoy.

1.  The URL says it all: "Don't Even Reply".  I love emails from assholes and I thank people for falling for those traps.  Honestly, the suggested ad would make them the busiest barber shop in town.

2.  I like comedy.  I bet you couldn't tell.  Well here are some videos of some of the best comedy duos in movie history.  I have no complaints with the list.

3.  Can you believe that Justin Bieber is still a child?  Here's a post from the Huffington Post which features actual Bieber quotes.  Sweet lord, that kid is a dullard.

4.  This dude is a baller and probably rolling in the honeys as we speak.

5.  This craigslist ad is the ROCKNESS...too bad they spelled Paul Bunyan wrong.  I am actually thinking of inquiring about the axe.

6.  Are you writing a book and need stock photos?  Well if you are looking for awkward photos try Awkward Stock Photos.  I'm thinking of using that site when I finish my book just for random awkward photos.

7.  I know there are a few artists that read my blog so this might be fun for you.  It's called Flock Draw and it enables you to draw photos with other people at the same time.  I would do it but I'd probably end up drawing penises everywhere.

8.  I know I've posted this one before but it is still one of my favorite websites.  It's called Pop That Zit.  All it is, is a collection of zit popping videos and photos.  Oh there's the occasional cyst removal or bot fly removal.  I am hypnotized by that site.  This has to be the grossest video.

9.  I look at bacon and I drool because I can't eat it and imitation bacon doesn't seem kosher to me so all I eat is matzah.  My Life is Jewish.

10.  Admit it...you own a Snuggie.  How much fun could one have with a Snuggie?  Well here is the Snuggie Sutra which has sexual positions for you while you keep warm wearing your Snuggie.  It's hard to pick a favorite but I'd have to go with The Horse Blanket or The Night In.

11.  Here's a fun site.  It's called Sex Paint.  People admit embarassing stories about sex by using MS Paint.  This is my favorite.

12.  You don't like overweight girls?  Yes, I do...I like all girls so I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm thinking of doing another post tomorrow and see what the reaction will be.  Stay tuned.

Hey...one of my favorite beers made it on the Today Show!  I need to get totally naked to enjoy some Totally Naked.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present...THE MULLET TO END ALL MULLETS!

It's time for another question entry.  Time sure has flown by this week.  It has been a dreadful week as far as weather goes here in Lake Wobegone...

WTF!  Garrison Keillor tried to hijack my blog.  No mas, old man!  Go take your Lutheran jokes elsewhere!

Now, Garrison Keillor free...thank God.  Cocky and I are back to answer your questions about life, love, and all things in between.

Time for another round of advice with me and my cock, Cocky McCockburns.  Yes, I realize I am immature but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself...douchebag.

Me: Are you ready, Cocky?
Cocky:  Cocked, locked, and ready to unload some advice

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do I make sure Sarah Palin never makes it to the elections in 2012?
                                          Palin Hater in Potosi
Me: The first thing I would suggest is that you petition your senators and representatives to propose legislation that would expel Alaska from the United States thus by making it a foreign nation which would mean Sarah Palin couldn't run for office.
Cocky:  What a smart man!  You bitch and whine about gas prices just imagine how bad they will get if we eliminate Alaska and the Goddess of the North.  Oh she is so fine.  She makes me get up each morning and perch on my wood. 
Me: Cocky, you really didn't answer the question.
Cocky: MMMM bringing down a moose...snowmobiling...dress wearing...turkey pardoning....I am in love!  Ok, want to get rid of Sarah Palin?  MITT ROMNEY 2012!!!! Embrace it, love it, sniff it...oh yeah he smells like money.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
This isn't so much a question but a statement that I would like to read your opinion on the matter:  I believe our society is consumed with voyeurism and we shouldn't complain when the studios feed us reality TV or the Britneys or Parises of the world because we enjoy watching trainwrecks.  Take it away guys.
                                                                          Abel in Arizona
Me: I believe you are touching an exposed nerve here.  There is no lazier television than reality television and we only ask for more when we watch that crap and not quality programming.  This is why Arrested Development is off the air as is Studio 60 and just another reason why Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock are on the chopping block.  People have historically always slowed down to stare at the car wreck on the highway.
Cocky: If some network or studio tried to feed me Paris or Britney, I'd send that shit back to the kitchen because I don't eat crabs...but I would enjoy dining on clams...OH SNAP!  Give this cock a hand slap!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Sometimes I feel that the people closest to me are actually the ones that I want to avoid. It's not that I hate them. I just feel that whenever I try to bring up conversation topics that I feel are worth talking about, (like politics, history of the universe, underlying layers in deep movies, etc.) it goes right over their heads. Where are all the dreamers and thinkers?
                                                                       Jenny in Hillsboro, WI
Me: It is certainly difficult when you have friends that you hold near and dear, but you feel that you can't have meaningful conversations with them.  Probably most of the time you are with these friends you are at social functions like parties or relaxing at the bar or restaurant after a long day of work.  People really don't want to dive into heavy topics after a hard day's work. They just want to dive into their Moons over My Hammy.  They don't want to leave their comfort zone.  One thing that you could do is set-up a specific get-together that is intended for political discussion.  Not like a book club but something like the old thinking depots of yore.  This could persuade people to come out of their shell and talk about the things you want to discuss.
Cocky: BRAVO!  Why don't you just have a Keith Olbermann viewing party?  You could take a shot whenever he does an aside to the camera or talks in a funny voice or makes a reference to sports or how evil the Republican party is.
Me:  Well what is your suggestion?
Cocky:  Clearly, Jenny, you aren't the alpha female in the pack that you run with.  Why don't you hate them?  Punch them in the throat if they don't want to talk about what you do.  I guarantee a punch in the throat will do the trick but of course it may be some time before they start talking.  You ask where all the dreamers and thinkers are?  Well you are in Hillsboro, Wisconsin.  They are at the Kwik Trip at 229 Mill Street.  There are only 5 of them there in Hillsboro.  They usually hang out behind the dumpsters smoking Kools and you can find them most every night.  They hold their discussion groups on Thursdays at 8:30PM, rain or shine.  You should be careful because the big one, the one they call Roscoe, he tries to play grab-ass with new members.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Who is the greatest character in a movie or TV show about the Old West?
                                                                             Shane in Tulsa
Me:  I am not much of a fan of the old westerns that you saw on tv or in the theater.  I do however enjoy the new westerns such as Unforgiven, the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, Open Range, The Assassination of Jesse James, and the HBO series Deadwood.  My favorite character would have to come from Deadwood, Al Swearengen.  You root for him despite his being labeled "the bad guy". 
Cocky:  Two words...Rooster Cogburn

Me: No surprise there.
Cocky:  There he is enjoying the Fighting Cock, did you know they originally intended to name him after my family name, McCockburns, but they thought it was too ethnic-y. 
Me: So what about Cockburns Port?
Cocky: Same family...when they arrived that Portugal's version of Ellis Island they made them drop the Mc.
Me:  I wish they would have done that with the fine Scottish restaurant called McDonald's.
Cocky: Just get rid of the entire chain?
Me: Yes, it is deplorable with the working conditions and health care.
Cocky: But where would you take your dates?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What do you suggest I do for my birthday?

                                    Birthday Girl in Baraboo

Me: Well I’m not one to celebrate birthdays or maybe that was just my family.  This year I grilled a steak and had a beer…alone.

Cocky: God you are so depressing.  People are probably cutting themselves after reading that.  Say, girl, this is what you want to do for your birthday…a dude and a chick.  I’ll be the dude and given the Godfather’s recent answers he’ll definitely be the chick.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

I’m a gassy individual.  It’s very embarrassing especially around the ladies.  How do I make this stop?

                                    Gassy in Glencoe

Me: I’d recommend avoiding food that makes you gassy or invest in Beano or Gas-X

Cocky: Just fart.  If they can’t love you for your entire person and that includes gas, they aren’t worth it.  Plus if they bitch about it, just yell “QUEEF!”

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Do hookers drop their prices during these hotter months?

                                    Prostitute Positive in Poysippi

Me: Actually I think they raise the prices because they shell out more money for hotel room with air conditioning

Cocky: Prices aren’t the only thing they raise.  Hey, how do you know so much about prostitute price rates?

Me: Well I have been working with a non-profit group trying to get women off the streets and into normal lives.

Cocky: Oh so you’re a whore-to-culture-ist

Me: Why do I walk into those?

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.

I know some of my readers are atheists but I don't know how you could deny the existence of Satan.  How else could you explain MTV programming over the past 15 years?  How about more shows that glorify teen pregnancy?  I think there is still some work to do before all the producers sell their souls to Satan.

The downside of Lindsay Lohan being incarcerated is that the illegal drug economy will collapse.  If she has to join a prison gang, I'm sure it will be the Bloods for obvious reasons.  She won't have to worry about getting shanked in the showers but she'll probably get scissored. 

When I grow up I want to be a pillow.  They get to lie in bed all day and get head all night long.

When I kill myself my suicide note will have three words: Nickelback Rock Band

I may not be on any NFL fantasy teams but I'm sure there are a few ladies out there that fantasize about me.

Your weekly dose of motivation:

In my family tree I think I am the sap.

Ordinary people live and learn.  I just live.

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way.  I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better looking each day.  To know me is to love me, I must be a helluva a man.  Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can.

I hear this next one every single commercial break on the local channels.

I love me some Clutch

Bach is better than Justin Bieber.

Sometimes, I feel like the lone french fry in a box of onion rings.

I think I need a different Monday post but I don't know what to do so I am just going to empty out my photo files.  Not a lot of people liked the mash-ups so I figured it was best to stop after 102.  I was slow on that one but oh well.  Enjoy.

Adult Alcohol Syndrome is a real plague upon society.  It leads to weight gain and pixelization of the face.  Heineken?  I'll let Dennis Hopper tell you what beer is better.

Awww...global warming is so charming.

Even Atlantis had a Walmart.

Enlarge that to see how awesome that dude is.

Who knew box wine could be so fun?

Because 3 year-olds need sex toys.

Tiger Woods doesn't really care anymore.

Snooki's family will do most anything to get on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Mother Nature is the original MILF

Maybe he can go to the future to find a cure to cure himself in the past so he can look better in the present.  My brain is going to explode.

"Look how much your father sucks for not being here at your birthday party."

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

I think that's worth two points in my Weightwatchers log.

Track 4 is the best.  I hear that you can totally synch that album up with "It's a Wonderful Life".

I guess there are nerds at ESPN after all.  Do you know what ESPN stands for?  It's Entertainment Sports Programming Network.  When I was younger I thought it stood for Every Sport Played Network because they aired a lot of billiards, ping pong, world's strongest man contests, lumberjack contests, poker, and pro-wrestling.

Speaking of ESPN, my cat Lua hates the bottom line but not as much as she hates Eric Kuselias.

And Kiki is not amused.

Sorry for another lame post.

Because I go above and beyond the call of duty

1.  Were you named after someone?

Yes, I think it was some dude out of the Bible who wrote a book and named it after himself but my parents thought they would put a spin on it and use a European version of said name.  Too bad when I got old enough to speak, I couldn't say my name.  Thanks a lot hippies.

2.      When was the last time you cried?

About 10 minutes ago when I realized I should finally fill one of these out.  Actually it was a few days ago when I was throwing up.  I don't know why but whenever I vomit I cry.  I'm weird like that but I think it's because of the force and it hurts my tear ducts.  One time I vomited I broke blood vessels in my eyes so the whites of my eyes were red.

3.      How many brothers and sisters do you have?

My brothers and sisters claim to be only children when asked about me.  Why, yes, I am an only child.

4.      If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

Probably not since I think Xanga should start a whole new -ish site revolving around my page and call it Assholish

5.      Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Never...it hurts kid's feelings but then that makes my day.

6.      Do you still have your tonsils?

No, I had them removed when I was like 3 and it was a botched operation.  They destroyed nerve endings in my mouth that suppress appetite.  I don't know what it means to be "full" or at least haven't experienced that since I was 3.

7.      Would you bungee jump?

Probably not.  If you read the above question you can figure out I am fat so I would probably break the rope.

8.      What is your favorite cereal?

The drunken Irishman in me says Lucky Charms and the old man in me says Honey Bunches of Oats so I'll go with Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

9.      What is your favorite candy bar?

Oh...hmmm...whatchamacallit...it's that one with the funny name

10.  Do you think you are strong?

Yes, you have to be strong when you are me.  I once coached a weightlifting team so there.

11.  What’s your favorite ice cream?

Culver's technically isn't ice cream but frozen custard.  Joe Biden learned the hard way even if it's Kopp's.   But if I had to pick an ice cream...Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

12.  What’s the first thing you notice about people?

If they are repulsed by me and then their eyes and then their smile.

13.  What is your favorite type of music?

I am getting all mellow in my old age so no more rap and metal for me although I do occasionally enjoy the Pantera and Cypress Hill.  I like most everything except goat-ropin' music.  Hell right now I am listening to some Bach.

14.  Who do you miss the most?

I think that is a bit personal and would probably show I haven't moved on and am still grieving.

15.  What do you want to be when you grow up?

Batman or a mortician...there will never not be crime or dead people.

16.  What color pants and shoes are you wearing?

I am not wearing shoes nor am I wearing pants.  I am wearing a pair of black shorts and a smile.

17.  What are your favorite smells?

Gasoline, freshly laid blacktop, that one perfume Happy Clinique, and cooking cow

18.  Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My representative Ron Kind, the best name in all of politics.

19.  What places do you want to visit?

Places where people want me so I guess that means the Vaterland and Cuba

20.  Favorite sport to watch?

Football but to be specific...Wisconsin Badgers football

21.  Do you play a musical instrument?

I play several...piano, guitar, theremin, and my dad is trying to teach me accordion so I can be wicked cool like Weird Al

22.  What is your eye color?

This is a mystery to me.  They actually seem to change but most of the time they are greyish blue

23.  What was the last movie you watched?

Choke

24.  What is your favorite school subject?

I loved history, psychology(but not at my college since they discredited any psychologist who wasn't Christian), economics, and religion

25.  Summer or Winter?

My German body is made for winter.

26.  Favorite dessert?

Sour cream and raisin pie

27.  What is your hair color?

This too fluctuates.  I had black hair up until I was 2 and I also had very dark skin.  People questioned my mom's fidelity but then I took on a more Aryan appearance.  Currently it is light brown.

28.  Diamonds or pearls?

I love giving girls pearl necklaces but I most definitely would rather wear diamonds

29.  Love or money?

Love of money

30.  Hugs or kisses?

Whatever whoever isn't repulsed by me wants to do to me is fine by me.

31.  Ever been caught masturbating?

Do pets count?  Actually I had a problem catching people in college.  I must have walked in on 2 dozen different guys.  Weird.  I think God was punishing for how many times I shook hands with the devil.

32.  Could you murder someone?

I ain't saying anything.

33.  Have you ever showed a psycho side?

Have I Xanga?  I did go into a catatonic state for a couple weeks once and that wasn't fun.

34.  Has karma ever visited you?

Not really but I sure as hell hope it does soon.

35.  Is there anyone you would like to see get punched in the face?

Ryan Seacrest, Glen Beck, and Kevin James

36.  Do you have any pets?

Two cats

37.  Name three things physically close to you

A fan, a lamp, and a 50 page outline that I am trying to magically turn into something special

38.  What is the last book you read?

"Tell All" by Chuck Palahniuk and I am currently reading "Mike and Mike's Rules for Sports and Life"

39.  Who tells the best jokes?

Anyone but me?  Actually I really enjoy these comedians.

40.  Do you drive? If yes have you had any accidents?

Yes, I drive and I have had 6 accidents, 5 of which involved deer.

41.  How do you like your eggs?

Not impregnated....wait, I don't worry about that....sunny side up

42.  Have you ever given money to the homeless?

There was this one time I was going to Sex World and this guy comes up to me and says he is a student at a Lutheran college in Minneapolis and asks for money because his truck broke down on the interstate.  I gave him a couple of bucks because it was so obvious he was lying.

43.  Do you have any nicknames?

They call me Tank, Tiny, and Wurm

44.  Where were you when 9/11 transpired?

Honestly...I was sleeping off a night of drinking.  A friend was bartending and if you gave him $5 you got the secret special...ALL YOU CAN DRINK.  I didn't have class until noon that day so why not?

45.  What is your ringtone?

 This:

And this:

46.  Favorite position?

Well I would like to be president on whatever committee I serve.

47.  What are your thoughts on homosexual marriage?

You know churches can marry whomever they want.  My church actually did not allow a hetero couple to wed because they were living together before marriage.  I think we can't make this a religious thing and we should allow all people to marry but churches can have the right to refuse whomever they want.

48.  What would you do if the president called you?

Probably hang up because I would think it was a prank call.

49.  Do you have any tattoos?

No, I can't because I am allergic.  I have weird skin allergies...ink, Ivory soap, nickel, and certain types of laundry soap

50.  What curse word do you say when you are really pissed off?

"Your sister's cunt."

I really need to fix my Wisconics speaking and writing patterns.

Now that is a nip slip.

Over the lips, past the gums, look out Tijuana donkey shows, here I come.  Things really got bad for Eeyore once Winnie the Pooh became irrelevant.

There comes a time when we must put away childish things.

That's how I feel most mornings.

SCORE!

Too bad I missed it, I bet it was an awesome show.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start

Looks like everyone's a winner.

Hey, the women's world cup is only a year away...I CAN'T WAIT!  But do I say I have good juggling skills?

Yes, those are pretty accurate painting of Michael Jackson.

You feeling horny?

SO...MUCH...FALE!

Better get some Viagra.

Best...bikini...ever!

At least it wasn't a Coldplay shirt.

There's always a bigger fish.

Hey...adobe Photo Shop.

I feel like I dropped another ten pounds today.  I cut my hair.  I think the last time I had it cut was around Easter time so it got long for me, over the ears and in the eyes.  Anyway, I am happy with my short hair now.  Maybe now I'll be able to sleep at night without the constant brushing against my pillows and also my baseball hats will fit better.  I am just so awesome.  Remember some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

A recent report came out that claims Whitney Houston spends $6,000 a week on crack.  CHRIST!  How is she still alive and semi-functioning?!?!?!?!  Someone needs to get her Tyler Perry because all his movies somehow involve someone on crack getting straight.  You know when I look at her it sort of reminds me of the Bible story of Lot and his wife who was turned into a pillar of salt because she turned her back to look at her hometown being destroyed except Whitney is a pillar of crack.

Vince Vaughn announced this week that he is going to be a father.  I predict that if he loves his child as much as he loves food and booze then he'll be one hell of a father.  And somewhere Jennifer Aniston is poking a voodoo doll.

Taylor Momsen has been chosen by Lourdes, Madonna's daughter, to be the model for her clothing line sold exclusively at Macy's.  Nothing says "rebellious teen" quite like Macy's.  Oh yes, ringing up huge bills on daddy's credit card is so EDGY!  I think the slogan should be: "BUY THESE CLOTHES AND BE THE BADDEST BITCH IN THE SANDBOX!"

Sylvester Stallone was spotted out and about this week.  Those arms...I am so freaked out when I see all those veins.  Maybe it's because I'm fat and my veins don't pop out like that.  Ladies, is that attractive?  Anyway, I suppose his arms could be ribbed for her pleasure...ok that's wrong.

Spencer Pratt was banned from a finale party for The Hills so he disguised himself to try to get in.  Surprisingly, it didn't work.  He then left furiously and tried to sneak into a premiere for Inception, which also didn't work.  This guy needs to go away and take his flesh colored beard with him.  Is he trying to look like Nick Nolte?  If he is Spencer is a dumbass because Nolte has been banned from everywhere in Hollywood.

Sofia Vergara was a...CHI-CHIS!

Here's a sneak peek of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern.  I've been harsh on that series and rightfully so because...wasn't Green Lantern black?

I am better than Ryan Phillippe.  He seems to have forgotten something but then maybe he was visiting the local glory hole.  I hear that in Hollywood if you are rich, talented, and good looking, the streets are paved with blowjobs which is why I can't ever go there again.  My last trip to Hollywood ended with a bad break-up.  Oh who am I kidding?

Switzerland will not extradite Roman Polanski to the U.S. to serve time for raping an underage girl.  Why is that I now see Roman in a lederhosen dancing around in the Alps with the Von Trapp family singing, "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF PEDOPHILA!"

Lindsay Lohan has moved into a sober living house.  Too bad it isn't operated by Dr. Drew.  That would make for captivating TV.  This is just a ploy to get her time reduced despite people saying it's for Lindsay's safety since she has started telling people that she will kill herself before she goes to prison.  It's too bad none of her time in the house will do anything to her sentence because she's already been sentenced.  Hopefully the judge gets her nails done how Lindsay had her nails done for her sentencing so the judge can tell Lindsay, "fuck you".

Lindsay has hired a new lawyer.  It's Robert Shapiro.  He's one of the masterminds that got OJ free from facing jail time for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.  Remember how they had that whole little rhyme that helped sway the jury?  "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit."  I wonder what sort of rhyme they could come up with for Lindsay.  "If there are no drugs in her pee then you must set her free"?  OK I need to start working on those.  Maybe if I come up with a good one, Shapiro will hire me to be a paralegal and after that it's affairs with female lawyers.  Dreams are a great thing.

This is a poster for Lindsay's next movie called Machete.  She plays a nun who likes to lick things.  Wow!  This blows my mind.  Lindsay is a whore in real life and in the movie she plays a nun.  I smell an Oscar nomination. 

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem were married two weeks ago in a private ceremony.  The funny thing about this is they didn't announce it on Twitter or Facebook but in Hola magazine.  I guess two weeks is ages in Hollywood standards so they had to see if it would last.  Somewhere, one of Penelope's ex-boyfriends named Tom Cruise, is in a dungeon taking out his misery on a guy named Javier he hired from a Home Depot.

I seriously hate Paris Hilton.  After going to the World Cup she was spotted on a boat in Paris.  HAHAHA...Paris in Paris...OK now we're over the third grade humor.  My only concern is with her sitting on the deck like that...can boats get herpes?

This is the new controversial Pam Anderson PETA ad.  I think the only thing controversial about it is how she doesn't look like that anymore and they had to use an image of her from the mid-90s.  I guess I'd be more convinced that instead of PETA it said PHOTOSHOP.

Nic Cage almost got his ass kicked this week and no it wasn't by the IRS.  According to one of his publicists someone picked a fight with Cage at a bar.  This is probably all just a lie to generate buzz about his new movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which looks like it should be a straight to DVD feature.  If you want a good movie these days you need animation, vampires, and 30 seconds of 3D footage.  To get me to watch a movie you need boobs, boobs, and BOOBS.  Remember the good old days of movies when every good movie had bare breasts?  Those were the days.

Burn victims and bear and shark attack victims will win a Miss Photogenic award before Lady Gaga.  She is a monster.  Oh and for all you youngsters who say, "Oh, godfather, you're old and stupid and don't know quality music and a unique, quirky behavior."  To that I say, "Rent a DeLorean, set the time to 1985, hit 88mph, look up a woman named Madonna.  Gaga isn't unique and she's just stealing Madonna's old style."  Oh and if you disagree...GO SCREW YOURSELF OR BLOW ME!  Sorry, I've been listening to the Mel Gibson tapes.

Kim Kardashian and Coco were at the Amp Energy Bullrun event.  They both defied physics and fit into those outfits.  So I know TMZ did this but who has the better ass...Kim or Coco?  I want to conduct my own GREAT ASS OFF 2010.

Ke$ha has been a naughty girl.  Her boyfriend, DJ Stolen, released this photo.  Ah...love.  How I miss it but then true love means never pulling out.

Doesn't Katy Perry sponsor that anti-acne medication, Proactive?  Well, it sure does seem to be working for her.

This is Karissa Shannon.  She is one of Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriends.  I wonder what the reaction would be if I walked around with a t-shirt that said the same thing but featured Selena Gomez or that girl from iCarly.  I have a feeling that people would be paging Chris Hansen and lighting up the sky with the Pedobear signal.  Double standards are interesting.

John Stamos is in big trouble mister.  A girl in Michigan is on trial for trying to extort Uncle Jesse out of $700,000 for some alleged photos of him doing coke with strippers.  She claims that she met John at a bar and told him she was 17 but he still bought her a drink and had her come back to his hotel room.  When they were in the room strippers showed up with coke and they did line after line.  He also got naked in front of her when they moved into the hot tub and he asked if he could perform oral sex on her.  She said no and he got frustrated and tore apart a bed.  They exchanged emails for the past couple of years and then one day the girl said that he had to pony up money or she would release the photo to the press but John went to the FBI who claims the photo doesn't exist.  The girl and her partner now face five years in jail for extortion.  I think the fitting punishment would be to force them to watch nothing but Full House for five years.  My only question is, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all this?  I bet she was one of the strippers he did the line of coke off of her breast or maybe she was the coke supplier.

Jessica Simpson is in love and supposedly knocked up.  Her new man is Eric Johnson a former player for the New Orleans Saints of the NFL.  She sure has a specific taste in men.  OK so maybe I'm jealous but then I'm not because when Jessica is in love she shows off her cleavage.  HOO-RAY for us!

Jack Osbourne showed off a new t-shirt.  I'm not even going to bother posting any more of those audio tapes because they are just horrible.  See why do women fall for jerks like that and I end up sleepturbating?  I hope the proceeds from that shirt's sales go to the NAACP or the Buy Mel Gibson a Blow Job Fund.

Gerard Butler is following Billy Ray Cyrus' fashion advice.  Actually this is from his upcoming movie Machine Gun Preacher.  Yeah, it sounds horrible but I am 100% sure that an El Camino will somehow be featured in that movie.  It just has to.

Edward Norton has been fired from The Avengers movie.  He will not portray the Hulk in that movie or any subsequent Hulk movies.  The Hulk franchise really seems like it's been cursed but then they don't have much to go on.  I also lost a lot of respect for Norton when I heard of how he turned into such a primadonna during the filming and editing of the recent Hulk movie.  Hell, he wouldn't even do any appearances to promote the movie because he didn't get his way which is why they had to rely on Robert Downey to do the talkshow circuit thus blowing the surprise inclusion of Tony Stark.  All I pray for is that they don't let Ang Lee touch that movie.  Maybe they can get Eric Bana to reprise his role as the Hulk.  I also hope they don't call Lou Ferrigno because that would be the most difficult phone call ever.

Angelina Jolie got a new tattoo on her inner thigh.  It says Whiskey Bravo.  Whiskey Bravo could mean the obvious...which would be whiskey, BRAVO!  More than likely she was trying to be clever and used the military alphabet code for the letters W and B.  Why W and B?  Brad Pitt's first name is William.  Yes, that would be access for William Bradley.  If that's true, I feel bad for her uterus.  It really does need a vacation.  I can just see her uterus like in a Looney Toons cartoon and a sign would pop out that says EEP!

Andy Dick was caught motorboating some random chick this week.  Man, I can't believe he would do that and have people think that he is some sort of pervert.  That could ruin his career.  Too bad the whole time Andy was motorboating, he was wishing it was some dude's ass.

Last weekend all these people ruined their lives...they all got married.  Starting top left: Carrie Underwood and Mike Fischer, Top Right: Martin Lawrence and Shamicka Gibbs, Bottom Right: Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez, Bottom Left: John Krasinski and Emily Blunt.  So which is the first couple to divorce?

Amy Winehouse was spotted at her boyfriend's movie premiere.  The movie is titled Psychosis.  Hmmm am I the only one to see the irony there?  It looks like Amy is walking with her legs together because she is trying to hold it in and can't find a bathroom.  I figure since she is so ladylike that wouldn't happen and she'd just piss herself.  Then I thought maybe she is smuggling in a bottle of Jack Daniels up the ol' cooter but then I see her big purse and figure that is filled with booze and pills.  The next logical thought is that she is walking with her legs together to keep her liver from jumping ship.

The Green Bay Packers unveiled alternate home uniforms.  WHAT?  The helmets are gold.  It's no wonder they always have Notre Dame alumni on their squad.  I'm sort of mixed on this one.  They are supposed to be like the uniforms they wore back in 1929.  As long as they win when wearing them then I don't care.

Video Section:
What color do you get when you mix Pink with black and blue?  Anyway, Pink fell at a gig in Germany and I laughed a hearty German laugh.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

My evening was fun.  I had to do a courier run for the hospital.  Actually my mom asked if I wanted to drop something off at another hospital and I was up for it.  I dropped it off and took the money she gave me to the casino, played some roulette, hit big, watched hillbillies try to play craps, drank free Coke products, dined on the finest of Mexican food(finest for south central Wisconsin), and then came home.  I know I'm not quite up to par with my stomach because I had to take it home in a box.  I had the Burrito Loco and I swear the people at that restaurant know I love it when they play up the stereotypes.  "AYE AYE AYE AMIGO YOU NO FINISH EL BURRITO LOCO! NO MAS!"  "hey, ese, here's your lemonade, homes."  Then they put on the poncho and sombrero and danced for me.  Maybe they do it because I'm a good tipper.  Link time.

1.  I love the Huffington Post, not so much for the politics but for the pop culture.  This article features Conan O'Brien introducing his favorite youtube videos.  I am stoked that LeRoy Jenkins made the list.

2.  You know what really grind my gears?  Facebook fan pages that say, "Oh, Peter, you can't see this image until you ask all your friends to join."  I call bullshit on that practice, Facebook.  Fuck you!  I take my patronage to the Bypass Facebook Fan Pages site.  Now you don't have to be a fool and join a group just to see a picture of Justin Bieber's boner or a baby sucking on a bong.

3.  Are you an aspiring DJ?  Try out this site to help you bust out your mad skills on the turntables.

4.  Think you know it all about Star Wars?  HA!  Check out these facts about Star Wars.  There were many that I didn't know and I consider myself quite the geek...well maybe for other George Lucas movies such as the greatest movie of all time...AMERICAN GRAFFITI!

5.  I have something to admit.  I enjoy the professional wrestling.  Back in the mid-80s and 90s I was a huge mark.  Now...meh...take it or leave it.  Anyway, the WWF (no I will not get the F out) released some horrible merchandise over the years and here is a sampling.  I can honestly say that I don't own any of that stuff but I once begged my parents to take me to the Mall of America in the early 90s so I could go to Hulk Hogan's pasta restaurant...PASTAMANIA!

6.  Hey, Cleveland Cavs fans, are you still upset about this LeBron Jones leaving your team?  Well here is a collection of shirts for you to express your frustrations.  I wonder if that LeBron Jones knows this guy named Brent Favre.

7.  Over the years I have seen irrational fear of sharks, t-rexes, raptors, bears, and catz sweep the internet.  None of them are as terrifying as The Motherfucking Pterodactyl.

8.  Why does this seem so real?

9.  I can understand wanting to make a tribute to your favorite celebrity by drawing their picture but what I can't understand is when people decide to draw their favorite celebrity and don't have a single bit of artistic talent in their being.  See here.  Thankfully they tell us who the celebrity is supposed to be.

10.  I love these businesses but there isn't the great Beauty Shop, Bait Shop and Welding Supply store of beautiful Hortonville, Wisconsin.

11.  Have you had your summer vacation yet?  Well TripAdvisor alerted me to a quaint little agro-tourism bed and breakfast near Scranton, PA called Schrute Farms.  I really want to book my trip this second.

12.  As some of you may know, I have a thing for ladies eating ice cream cones.  I never thought a food could come along that would surpass my love of the female form eating the ice cream cone...BUT IT HAS...I now present...GIRLS EATING BANANAS!

I heard someone talk about how they fear a zombie uprising.  I'm not to fearful of that but I'm more afraid of zombies if they became political and started a tea-bagging movement.

It looks like my band is starting to come together.

Well Cocky and I are back for another shot at helping you with your questions.  It has been a long week and Cocky has been somewhat exhausted.  He is addicted to baseball.  He has logged countless hours watching the national past time these past couple of weeks and the pennant chase  is set to begin tomorrow.  Cocky has been talking with our bookie about placing some bets.  Another reason why he is exhausted is that we have a new sponsor.

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.
Me: Good to hear.  How is the new sponsor treating you?
Cocky: My liver woke up next to me this morning, crying.  I missed sun-up.
Me: That's unfortunate.  What did all the hens do?
Cocky: Well, when they heard my liver crying, they just rolled over and went back to bed.

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
You two seem like you are pretty funny guys.  I mean I laugh so hard at your jokes.  Cocky, you are hilarious.  I guess what I getting to is, can you guys give me some jokes.  I am in a high pressure job and I desperately need to be funny.
                                                Jimmy F. in New York City
Me: Well, Jimmy, humor isn't something that is acquired overnight.  You have to develop it.
Cocky: Well then how do you explain yourself?
Me: OK, Jimmy, my suggestion would be that if you have a job that depends on you telling jokes and you're not funny, well you may want to look for other work.  However here's a joke you may want to try: A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.  A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper in there?"
Cocky: Oh yes, a Catholic joke.  How funny!  I am surprised you didn't go with a priest and a little boy joke.
Me: Well, Cocky, what do you have to offer?
Cocky: One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.  The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.  She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.  An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."  He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."  She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."  And, Jimmy, you aren't funny.  Get off my TV!

Dear Cocky and Godfather,
I have a serious problem.  I love my husband but when we make loves it takes him forever to achieve orgasm.  I mean sometimes it takes 30 minutes and other times it is 45 minutes to an hour.  What should I do?
                                                            Worried in Winnentka
Me: Well some people may suggest playing with testicles or the taint or even talking dirty during love making.  One thing I would suggest is some serious communication.  If it is causing you discomfort, you may want to let him know.  However be delicate.  It could cause some serious hang-ups and your husband could be scarred emotionally.
Cocky:  Lady, are you serious?  A lot of women would jump at that chance.  Especially if they were working with the Godfather also known as The One Minute Wonder.
Me: Cocky, I don't see how my profficiency is on trial here.
Cocky: It's not.  I just love making fun of you sweetheart.  Actually what you want to do is lose some weight or gain some weight if that is his thing.  If he doesn't want to change, you punch him in the throat and kick that guy to the curb. You need a lover that is good, giving, and game and lasts under 5 minutes.
Me: That's horrible.  You also could take advice from me and try role-playing or costume play.  That tends to spice things up and break monotony.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
OK, there's this girl in my study hall that I really like and I think she really likes me.  I want to ask her to prom but it might not work out.  I don't have my driver's license and I really want to impress her by driving us to the prom.  Should I ask her out and if so what do I do, do I have her drive or my parents?
                                                           Karl in Fairfax
Me: Karl, if this girl likes you, the she likes you for you and not a piece of plastic that enables you to drive.  If she is a date-worthy girl, let her know the predicament.  Communicate.  I don't see anything wrong with letting her drive.  Parents may be a bring down.
Cocky: BAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Karl, you can't take advice on the prom from the Godfather.  He never went to his prom.
Me: Well, Cocky, that is because my conservative school didn't offer prom.  We had a banquet on a riverboat with the faculty.
Cocky: And you didn't go to that!
Me: Well, no, but to attend you had to be a junior or senior or faculty member at my school and no one from the other grades could attend nor could anyone from outside our school.
Cocky: But you didn't go.  Karl, get your ass down to the DMV yesterday!  Get that license.  A girl won't care if you drive a piece of shit.  All that matters is that you have the car.
Me: Cocky, that's sort of contradictory coming from you.  I don't think I have ever seen you driving.
Cocky: Well when I was in high school, I had prom and I took my dates to the after party in my T-Bird.
Me: Dates?  And you only took them to the after party?
Cocky:  Yeah, I skipped the prom and took my ladies straight to the after party because that is how I roll.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Godfather, I slept with a cougar last weekend.  What does your mom look like?

                                    Cougar Hunter in Cashton

Me: See this is the problem with posting questions on formspring.

Cocky:  She looks like Captain Lou with less facial hair but more rubberbands

Me: Cocky, how can you talk about my mother like that?

Cocky: It’s quite easy.  Also, CH, if you still can’t get that last anal bead removed you might want to head to the emergency room soon and don’t worry it should be covered by your HMO.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

What’s the meaning of life?

                                    Meaningless in Menasha

Me: This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever been asked.  One could look at it from a religious standpoint or one could look at it from a psychological standpoint but the overall answer I would give is…

Cocky: Get laid

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

How come in maxi-pad commercials they always demonstrate with blue liquid instead of real blood?

                                    Paddington in Potosi

Me: When I was younger and more naïve, I based my knowledge on that subject on the commercials.  I thought that women secreted a blue substance when they went horseback riding or played tennis.  I think the reason they use blue is to not completely “gross out” the male audience. 

Cocky: What the Godfather is trying to say is that women are other-worldly beings that have blue blood

Me: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Cocky: That’s right, the last girlfriend you had who told you she was on her period, you curled up in a ball in a corner and were in a catatonic state for a week

Me: Well that’s not entirely true

Cocky: That’s right, she told you after you went yodeling in the canyon

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

My cousin was just drafted by the Texas Rangers.  Is there any advice you can give him?

                                    Baseball Family in Baraboo

Me: Well I wouldn’t sign with that organization because they have had a history of financial difficulties and screw their draft picks out of signing bonuses.

Cocky: Never trust anyone from Texas.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,

Why do so many people add “life is good” to their blog posts?

                                    Good Times in Grafton

Me: Well maybe they are just happy and content with their life that they have to share.

Cocky: “Life is good” is the new “Fuck My Life”

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.

I won't bore you with a health update.

Ladies, did you know that the male erection is the sincerest form of flattery?

Mel Gibson needs an exorcism and who better to perform it than the Bear Jew.  For us, the "e" at the end of "Old Spice" is silent. For Mel Gibson, that "e" is nonexistent.

The real reason why LeBron James left Cleveland: Could you stand to be teammates with a guy who banged your mom?

Now that George Steinbrenner is in Heaven, I wonder if he is making Jesus cut his hair.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

I know money can't buy happiness but I'm pretty sure you can rent it but then I notice that prostitutes never smile.  I guess they go by the old adage to never mix business with pleasure.

Abandon the search for the truth and settle for a good fantasy.

"Owning the Yankees is like owning the Mona Lisa."- George Steinbrenner