I know you're saying to yourself, "But he already did one of these posts this week." I know. I have so many links backed up and I have to share before they die out. I'm a giving blogger. I care about your needs and you need to read these and have multiple laughs, multiple laughs that I can't always give you. Weird...I think I said that to an ex but about something else.
1. Hi, I'm the GodfatherofGreenbay. You might remember me from such Xanga entries as "Lost Love", "Motivation", "Lukewarm Links 9/30" and of course "Celebrity Round-Up". I thought I'd share with you this link that lists the title to every single Troy McClure movie that is mentioned in The Simpsons. Yes, I love it because I am a gigantic nerd.
3. How can you handle THE REVOLVING INTERNET? I found it fairly easy but then I don't suffer from motion sickness.
4. Since I am alone and probably will be for quite some time, I have thought about buying a Fleshlight. If you don't know what that is, I suggest doing a Google search while no one is looking. I think that the novelty of having a Fleshlight may wear off with the monotony of it all so here is a handy site that shows alternate uses for Fleshlights.
5. I vaguely remember Glamour Shots advertising when I lived near the Mall of America. The people in the ads looked interesting. Here is a collection of some of the best. Do you have Glamour Shots? Please share them.
6. Antoine Dodson has really cashed in on his viral video. He even has a costume for this Halloween. Be the first on your block to dress as Antoine Dodson for Halloween. Look what comes with the costume. A ROLLED UP PAPER! SOLD!
7. I read an article on Datingish a few days or so ago and it talked about group masturbation. Apparently it is widely practiced thing. Here are a list of some of the best Craigslist ads for men searching jack off partners. I think I am going to not be able to look the guy who runs the model railroad museum in town in the eyes ever again because I know it's all just a front for group masturbation.
8. Guys, are you trying to find a special gift for your significant other and have run out of ideas? Well let Erial Ali help. He or she will take a photo and make it celestial. Trust me, you have to check this out. I think I have all my Christmas presents bought now.
10. We've had LOLCats, now prepare yourself for LOLSlater. It's a collection of some hilarious Saved by the Bell moments. I like the ones for September 30th especially the New York stereotype.
12. I've been late in sharing the next link and I've felt even worse knowing that I have shared photos from this site without explaining it. Anyway, Inception gave birth to a great meme...the Strutting Leo. Can you keep a secret? I haven't seen Inception yet nor have I seen Avatar. I am a freak.
It's that time of the week again and yours truly and his cock are ready to dispense answers to your questions. I am happy to see that after last week's alienation of my female fans, I seem to have their approval of my last post.
Me: Cocky, what did you think of my last post? Cocky: Well it was OK. Me: Just OK? Cocky: It wasn't like you were strutting around displaying your tail feathers. Me: Well I don't have any tail feathers to display. Cocky: That's right the doctors removed those when you were born Me: It's time to hear from our sponsor.
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Me: Cocky, are you ready? Cocky: Yeah, I'm cocked, locked, and ready to dispense my knowledge amongst other things.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, My two great passions in life are art and science. These are supposedly very divergent fields of human endeavor, but I personally do not think so; I think they are quite complimentary. And yet, the kind of people who gravitate towards these two areas tend to be completely at odds with each other. Now, I have dated an atheistic intellectual as well as a free spirited artistic type and both seemed doomed by design. What kind of "type" might a person like me be searching for, if any? Dateless in DeSoto Me: Depending on how passionate you are towards either medium as well as the person you are dating will determine your compatibility. Now, when you say doomed, I take it that either you or that person have let the polarizing differences take over your relationship. It's important to hold onto your beliefs and passions but be able to understand that differences are to be expected in a relationship. As long as you enjoy each other on other levels and are friends first, it doesn't matter what type you find because love truly does end up conquering all. Cocky: I'm glad you touched on an important danger that will consume the world soon. Artists and Scientists are at odds with each other and a war is looming on the horizon. Beakers will be thrown, canvases flung... the bloodshed and carnage will be overwhelming. All that will be left will be us fowl to peck at the remaining bodies for sustenance as... *ahem.* I say date a Day dancing stripper. They are needy for attention and tend to try anything once.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, Are you single? Because I think I love you. I know, that's so wrong, but love conquers all, no? Curious in Cashton Me: Love does conquer all except stage four cooties. Cocky: I tend to make a lot of noise in the morning, that's not an issue is it? If not, I should have my own facebook page soon, so.. you know.. you got a car? I don't. Uh... we'll talk more later.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, Why do you need a cock to help you out? Are you always going to call this column Questions with the Godfather and his Cock? Stupid in Sparta Me: What guy doesn't need a cock to help him out of a tough situation? I did alter the title a little bit because we don't dispense just advice. I answer questions of all sorts. What name would you have us go by? I mean, Hall and Oates is already taken. Cocky: How about we start going by Cocky and Tubbs as a tribute to Miami Vice? I mean the Godfather is a tub of lard so his name is fitting.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, Is it normal that my friend wants to have sex with my guitar? Guitar Lover in Galesville Me: NO! These questions are just getting worse and worse. I think it’s time to close down the formspring. Cocky: NO! Don’t close it. I have a feeling this question could make us money. We could become a new act like Weird Al but our songs would be dirty. The song that comes to mind…”While My Guitar Gently Skeets”
Dear Godfather and Cocky, I heard George Lucas is going to re-re-release the Star Wars saga but this time it will be in 3D. I just get the feeling he isn't doing this for the fans any longer and it's about the almighty dollar. Do you think he stands behind them and do you stand behind the Stars Wars movies? Star Wars Lover in Star Prairie Me: I think over time episodes 1 through 3 have grown on me and I can fully appreciate them. So like George Lucas, I totally stand behind them. Cocky: How fitting! You and George Lucas are so fat that you both stand behind everything
Dear Godfather and Cocky, I was recently pulled over by the police and I had an open can of Foster’s in my hand. What should I have said to get out of any fine? Pulled Over in Potosi Me: Well I can’t help you since I do not believe in drinking and driving. You are putting your life at risk as well as the lives of every other motorist on the road and I forget about pedestrians and home owners. Cocky: Pussy. If the cop asks you questions just say you contribute to DARE. That got the godfather out of a few tickets. If that doesn’t work you look in that cop’s face and say “My speech isn't slurred, I'm just speaking cursive."
Dear Godfather and Cocky, Was Bad Bad Leroy Brown REALLY the baddest man in the whole damn town? I mean, come on, the WHOLE town? Meanie in Merrimac Me: Well I think that because it was a song there is no Leroy Brown but for the sake of argument, yes, he was the meanest in the whole damn town. Cocky: No, he wasn’t. There was a rooster that I heard of down on the south side of Arcadia that survived the slaughterhouse numerous times. He killed numerous workers that tried to kill him. One time they decided to fry him alive but all the oil didn’t phase him any and he jumped up and pecked out the eyes of all the factory workers. Yeah, the dude was a badass. I think his name was Hahn von Huhngeschlecht. I saw him a few weeks ago. He had on an old German army helmet and was wearing a monocle in the eye that he lost in a fight with Shaquille O’Neal.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, How do you tell your girlfriend you want have her get some fake titties without hurting her feelings? Implants in Ironton Me: There is no way you could go about doing that without hurting her feelings. You should love your girlfriend for who she is and accept everything about her. Cocky: Don’t listen to the hippy. What you do is this: pour maple syrup all over her breasts and when she asks why, you say you thought you were eating pancakes.
Dear Godfather and Cocky, I have a friend that has a blog entirely devoted to her vag!na and I really want to ask her out, but because of this blog I am unsure. I also have a had time saying the word vag!na or the variations there of. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of feelings for them, first is sheer adoration. Like most guys, from emerging from one at a fairly early age I've spent a great deal of time and effort trying to become re-acquainted with them - not the original. Do you guys have any thoughts? Ham Wallet Lover in Hennepin Me: I hope you know that your feelings for that part of the anatomy are normal and healthy for a straight male. Make sure your time and effort are spent romancing the lady attached to said hoo-ha so you have a better shot at going forward with your desires. Cocky: I understand the need to censor yourself when it comes to the vag*na. That is why I always use the good old standard "meat canoe." I recommend to slyly approach that lovely lady you see and introduce yourself politely, followed with the phrase, "Do you have a mirror in your pocket?" If she has already heard that one and answers for you with "Cause you can see yourself in my pants?" Be sure to quickly retort: "No, cause I heard you are doomed if you look at Medusa directly so I want to be ready when I meet your mom." High five the bartender then go home, but not before you stop at the naughty store and pick up some Asian cheerleader porn.
OK, I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.
If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring. Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.
You know, I think they are going to move the White House to Wisconsin because it seems that Obama has been spending more time in Wisconsin than in Washington D.C. I guess that is to be expected since they call this area "God's country" and he is from Illinois and it seems like people from Illinois spend more time in Wisconsin than in Illinois.
When Kellis sang, "My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard." I wonder if that included the lactose intolerant.
Dyslexic girls are KO with me.
You know this may sound sexist but I think when God made women he intended them to be cooks. Why else would he put eggs and milk inside them?
If Nicolas Sparks writes one more romance novel it will probably be about the time my foot romantically kicked him in the genitals.
I'm only five pounds away from my goal...of having $8 worth of British currency.
If a woman who works at a 7-11 gives you a STD, would it be slurpees?
Sex advice from someone who's not an expert: Ladies, want to do something your man will remember this fall? Shut your mouth. You know why blind dates are the best? If the date goes bad they can't see you walking out on the bill. Guys, the best girls you can date are Jamaicans because they will jerk any meat you have. An ex once told me that the easiest way to take the fun out of spanking was to enjoy it. Ladies, the real way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, it's through your chest. Ladies, little white lies never hurt anyone so try saying "last night was great" or "you're huge" more often. If you have a complete stranger sleeping next to you in bed and want them to get out, call the police on them. Guys, remember the quickest way to get a girl to drop her panties is to scare her while she is folding her underwear. Also try reverse psychology, "Why no, I don't like oral sex." "No I don't want to see your boobs" 1.1 million people aged 20-25 in America have never had sex and about 700 of them take my sex advice.
I've figured out the best way to cure my ADD. I'm going to buy a Ford Focus.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Whenever someone says, "A vasectomy is an easy procedure," it is always a woman.
People consider it expensive living in certain cities but they have to realize they are paying for a free trip around the sun every year.
Why is Charlies short for Charles when they have the same amount of letters?
Excuse me while I check my watch...yep, I'm still awesome
It's that time of year again and it can only mean that Xanga's blog topics reset and go back to everyone discussing boobs. And of course, after boobs we'll discuss abortions. What is you favorite topic on Xanga that is discussed ad nauseum?
My favorite topic is politics. President Obama visited Madison today and he stopped by Madison La Follette High School to speak with the football team. His message: "If you guys are losing on Friday night, don't worry. I'll take points away from the other team and give them to you."
I haven't done one of these posts in some time and the links are piling up in my office so here we go.
1. I have always scoffed at self-help and how-to books. Here is a collection of ridiculous how-to books.
2. Have you ever wonder what Barack Obama has done for you personally? Click here to find out what he's doing for you as we speak.
3. Bookmark this site so you will never forget how to spell the word "definitely".
4. I recently read someone's Xanga page where they complained about Justin Bieber comparing himself to Kurt Cobain. Here's a site that shows the similarities. It's quite shocking actually.
5. Kenny Powers is one of the greatest baseball players to ever play the game. Here is why I say that based on a collection of his baseball cards.
6. I was browsing the intertubes and found this list of the 100 worst songs of all time. There are a few on the list that I would argue but for the most part they are dead on.
7. Just in time for back to school...oops...here's a collection of backpacks. I actually wish I had a few of those when I was a kid especially the Star Wars ones and Ghostbusters.
8. When I was 7 or 8, I decided that I couldn't wait until summer to ride my bike again so during Christmas break while my parents were at work and I was supposedly being babysat by a neighbor, I got on my bike and rode it in my driveway. I hit an ice patch and skinned my lip. Well now because of that there is place on my lip that won't grow facial hair. When I see mustaches I get jealous. These mustaches make me incredibly jealous.
9. If you ever post an ad on Craigslist, be very careful of which emails you reply to. It could be these assholes.
10. Just in time for Yom Kippur...I was talking to a Xangan about this new fad called Bandz or something like that. They are these rubber band bracelet things that are shapes but when you put them on your wrists they don't retain the shape. Well I looked them up and found these bandz called JewlyBandz. I actually thought about buying a set.
11. If you ever have a partner cheat on you, don't go to Craigslist looking for revenge sex. Go to Craigslist to seek normal sex...I just may find you...actually not but it would be funny if we did wouldn't it?
12. I think I posted this before but I have to again. This professor is the most popular prof at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater. She is smokin'!
Hell yeah! Cinnamon raisin bagel, you're my only hope. Have a great day
You know what I want for Christmas? A fan page on Facebook. I just think that would be awesome. Oh and I went out for supper this evening. There was an Amish couple at the restaurant...sitting in a booth...next to each other...sharing bites of food. It was actually pretty heartwarming to see love. Damn...it's been too long. Anyway the salad bar...if any of you operate or work at a restaurant never and I repeat never put vanilla pudding next to the salad dressing. This didn't happen to me but this guy sitting next to me put vanilla pudding on his lettuce. His reaction was priceless. That reminds me of a friend in high school. We were at a restaurant and he was up getting some dessert off the buffet. He got a plate full of what he thought was chocolate pudding. I thought it looked like pudding because it was piled like pudding. He sits down and takes a bite. "This is the worst chocolate pudding I've ever had." I take a spoon and try it. "Dude, that's gravy." Did you read this? Either way, some images may not be safe for work or for life. NSFW and NSFL I was reading this crazy story about the movie Goodfellas. Tom Cruise was originally cast to play Henry Hill and Madonna was originally cast to play Karen Hill. Martin Scorsese thought Ray Liotta was good but the producers wanted Cruise. Liotta got the job after approaching the producer in a restaurant and pleading for the role. Madonna fell out of favor with Scorsese. Can you imagine those two in Goodfellas? Tom would have been good as the coked-out Henry Hill because that's not acting, that's how Cruise usually acts. I love Goodfellas, it's one of my favorite movies but if those two were cast it would have been worse than if Eddie Murphy and Bette Midler were cast in Driving Miss Daisy. Oh and also something to think about...at the time Goodfellas filmed Tom Cruise was ending a relationship with Mimi Rogers and Madonna was ending a relationship with Warren Beatty. Could you imagine that couple? Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady is seriously whipped. His girlfriend Giselle Bundchen will not let him cut his hair. I think the reason she won't let him chop the mop is because she loves having the hair that way so she can fantasize about Justin Bieber when they have sex. I miss the days of music before the autotone when artists had to have actual talent to sing and put out an album. That being said, Snooki is working on an album with producers. They will begin recording as soon as she can reach the microphone. Apparently the American defenses are so weakened by fighting two wars that we have started to train Ewoks to learn karate so they will fight for us. This is good for the tax payer because the only pay they ask for is extra spicy beef jerky. JWoww from Jersey Shore is in negotiations to pose for Playboy. I guess that's OK since she may be the most doable cast member but are those things on her feet? Honestly, I don't see why they are popular. Anyway back on task...Saying that JWoww is the most doable cast member is like saying Lisa Bonet was the least black person on the Cosby Show. Also, when Playboy announced that they had begun negotiations with JWoww they also announced that the magazine would begin catering to the blind. She has been offered $400,000 to bare all. The only problem is her contract with MTV forbids her from posing nude. If JWoww gets in Playboy, you know full well that she was holding Hef's daughter hostage. Playgirl is in negotiations with Vinny from Jersey Shore to pose nude and to develop a possible line of dildos. See, he's the guy Snooki once described having sex with as trying to put a watermelon in a pin hole. Maybe he was trying to get into her cranium. After reading these Jersey Shore reports, are you forcing yourself from punching a wall? I am. Sarah Silverman told a reporter this week that in her new movie, Take this Waltz, she will be doing full frontal nudity. See, I don't know how true that may be because Sarah is a jokester. She also said that the nudity was not pretty. Well neither is global warming but I still find ways to enjoy it. Hell...I'll probably be camped out in front of the theater for this movie. I love me some Sarah Silverman. She is my type of girl. Oh and a while back I pulsed about how there was a lack of Jewish porn stars. Does Sarah now count? I also forgot Ron Jeremy so we won't count Sarah because...it's Ron Jeremy, he's in everything and everyone. Robbie Williams posed with some dog butts on his head. I think a new fetish has been born. Are you serious? That second one sort of looks like a colonial wig. Hmmm...no, there is no way I'd stick a dog's butt on my head as part of a Halloween costume. Randy and Evi Quaid were arrested this week for squatting in a house they used to own. When cops showed up, they claimed they owned the house but the rightful owner was on scene with paperwork showing he indeed owned the house. Squatting isn't the proper term it's residential burglary and unlawful entry. Evi was also charged with resisting arrest. A contractor inspected the house and claims that the Quaids did $5,000 worth of damage to the house. This comes a year after Randy and Evi were arrested for trying to pay a hotel bill with a fake credit card. Just look at them...they scream crazy. How the mighty Cousin Eddie has fallen! He's begging Chevy Chase to do another National Lampoon's movie...Retirement Home? This photo was taken into evidence. It was placed over the fireplace in the house where they were squatting. I think I have found a new photo for my mantle or this could be a great Christmas card. I just need to figure out how to get rid of the TMZ whore stamp. Randy claims that back in the 90s, some woman named Ronda Quaid illegally signed her name on forged documents saying she owned the house and of course they just found out about it. This is his actual defense. He also says that they were cleaning the house despite the contractor saying they caused $5000 in damage. I am surprised A&E hasn't contacted Randy for a reality series because it seems like the Quaids' life is like The First 48, Hoarders, Billy the Exterminator, Intervention, and Obsessed all rolled into one show. If they can get a ghost that sounds like Steven Segal this show would be everything on A&E. The world needs more Cousin Eddie. In related news, Dennis Quaid has stopped taking Randy's phone calls. Paris Hilton will not be facing any jail time for her cocaine possession. She received a $2,000 fine and 200 hours of community service. Look at that smug birth. Now she probably thinks she can sell heroin to kids and only receive a stern talking to. So I guess it is true that money can buy happiness and also in Paris' case it can buy pretty. To celebrate her freedom, Paris decided to go to Japan. She was not allowed to enter the country because apparently they don't like gold digging hoes who have no respect for the legal system and those who are on probation. I think Japan and I are now cool over that Pearl Harbor incident. I've invited Japan over for a barbecue tomorrow. Minka Kelly says she hates Lindsay Lohan and that Lindsay should move to Guam. What did Guam ever do to you? Why hate Guam? Is it because you date Derek Jeter and have to be an asshole just like him? And to think I used to fap to that Guam hater. Joey Matt LeBlanc doesn't want to be called Joey anymore and this interview for The Mirror proved that. 3am: "You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in?" Matt: "I'm not Joey. Don't you dare call me Joey. The papers say I'm finished, so don't call me fucking Joey. I want to leave that all behind. I'm moving on." 3am: "OK, Joey, if that's how you feel. But what are you doing? Let's be honest, Joey, that's who everyone knows you as." Matt: "I'm not Joey. For the last time. I'm not fucking Joey. It's Matt. Matt LeBlanc. Joey's in the past. I'm trying to do something new." 3am: "Like what, Joey?" Matt: "I'm gonna do comedy. Working with the Friends producers to do comedy in England. And it's got nothing to do with Joey before you ask." Who is he kidding? He's a one trick pony. He should have never did a spin-off where he played the same character. That never works especially not on NBC...what's that? Fraiser...fuck, Joey is a one trick pony. Oops, I mean Matt is a one trick pony. Madonna, Lourdes, and Taylor Momsen took time out of whatever it is they do to show off Lourdes' new fashion line because nothing says rebellious teenage punk rocker girl than clothes at Macy's. Why do those three together look like something produced by Amy Sedaris? I am confused with Taylor's look. I think she is trying to look like a raccoon but she pulls off the brain dead look quite well. I'm surprised the NAACP hasn't went after her for wearing blackface. Lindsay Lohan failed her drug tests and had to make a court appearance for her probation. The judge opened up a legal can of whoop ass and sent her to jail without bail until her sentencing. I wonder how the Lohan family will spin this. This time it was Lindsay was brainwashed by the evil Mugato in a plot to kill the Malaysian Prime Minister. The judge that sentenced her to stay in prison until her next hearing is up for re-election this year. I want to move to L.A. just so I can vote for him. He's really cleaning up the streets. He's basically Batman. These are Lindsay's "contrite" tweets acknowledging her failed drug tests. I wonder how much she paid her publicist to write them. So Lindsay was taken into custody and had this lovely mugshot taken. The orange really does bring out the look of desperation in her eyes. My bubble was burst later on this evening when an assistant judge overruled the first judge and said that Lindsay had the right to post bail which was set at $300,000. She also has to wear a SCRAM bracelet. I wonder how Lindsay posted money for bail. People are claiming she's broke and was considering taking a job in Japan to do fetish videos. Well she could get arrested a couple of more times and she'd have enough mugshots to fill a calendar. Lenny Kravitz wants to know...are you gonna strut my way? Look at those leather pump boots and shirt. I think sometime I should wrap myself in a sheet and walk around with that. Oh wait...that's a toga. Anyway, I bet Tim Gunn is salivating and masturbating over Lenny's fashion sense. The dress Lady Gaga wore to the VMAs is going to be preserved as beef jerky and displayed. Hopefully it will be displayed for future "artists" to see what not to wear. It's good to see when "artists" diversify and enter into other business ventures especially business ventures involving beef jerky. Kim Kardashian is celebrating Oktoberfest in a drindl this year. OMG that is so hot. Too bad she won't drink beer and at most Oktoberfests, Alize isn't on the menu. Kim Kardashian drinking beer....WHAT? That is just so hot. I'd love to take those pigtails and invade her Sudetenland with my weißwurst. Friends are worried that Kiefer Sutherland's excessive drinking has gotten out of hand and that he needs to go to rehab. Rehab is a great idea since he's been there 4 times already. Rehab in Hollywood has to be a scam. It never works. Has anyone ever been to one of those places? I bet it's just a buffet of booze, drugs, and sex that features trampolines, ball pits, and video games. The greatest Lutheran actor, Kevin Sorbo, turned 52 this week. He seriously is the best Lutheran to wear tights and play a god on TV. Oh and this is for the ladies and the Lutherans. Since everyone else is chiming in on this so will I. Katy Perry was supposed to perform on Sesame Street this week however her part was pulled because her outfit was deemed risque by many parents. You know, I have had this suspicion about Sesame Street and this confirms it. What do you expect from a place where Bert and Ernie share a bed? What do you expect from a place that caters to a crack addict like Elmo? Karissa Shannon went through such great pain to feign shock that Vivid was releasing her sex tape. These promo photos for the video weren't faked at all. I feel bad for Karissa. She stripped herself of her privacy and dignity when someone named Karissa Shannon needing a boost to her career dropped off a sex tape featuring Karissa Shannon off at the Vivid headquarters. I'll let you find the still photos from the tape on your own. An author of a new book about the secret gay lifestyle in Hollywood claims that he has enough material to write an entire book about John Travolta. Who cares whether or not he's gay? What I'm concerned with is that he hasn't made a good movie since Battlefield Earth. You know, that's what the Church of Scientology aka Tom Cruise's little black book, teaches about the end of the earth. England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh, appears to have given up on her goal to become England's finest rose and weight lifter. She now appears to be a tattoo aficionado. England really needs to put up a protective glass shell around her to preserve their national treasure and maintain public safety. She looks like the after in a meth ad. Joan Jett turned 52 this week. I only post this photo because I love her bra. I need to find a girl who will let me buy her a door knocker bra and then constantly do knock-knock jokes. The punchline would all involve motorboating. Janice Dickinson was posing for the paparazzi in London this week. Her posing has given me enough motivation to do another Ramadan fast. 84 year old Hugh Hefner is now dating 21 year old Jenna Bentley. You know she was born before he hit the retirement age of 65 because if she was born after he turned 65 that'd be totally weird. Hillary Clinton rocked the hair clip this week. She totally pulled that out of a Dollar Tree fashion bin. I know, because that's where I get my fashion stuff. Seriously, the cologne is a dollar and it's usually made by subsidiaries of the companies that produce the name brand stuff. Anyway, I like it when my politicians wear their hear like a former girlfriend who was about to clean my oven. That's not code for anything. One of my former girlfriends had a thing for cleaning ovens. I think she liked huffing. Florence Henderson did this on Dancing with the Stars. If only Mrs. Brady did that back in the day. I would have been a huge Brady Bunch fan. I think I am going to skip this season of DWTS. Here's something for the ladies and Tom Cruise. David Beckham took off his shirt after a soccer victory. I bet that dead end treasure trail does it for you, right? I know it gets the hookers worked up. A high class hooker has come forward and said that David paid her for sex. She says that he paid her $10,000 and they had sex for 15 minutes. So much for that rumor about soccer players having great stamina. She also claims that he pleasured himself using a perfumed lotion from the hotel but since it was perfumed it burned. No, the only thing that burned him was your nasty hooker hot pocket. I don't know if I believe the story. David probably gets more solicitations for sex than a teenager at R Kelly's house and he has the church of Scientology aka Tom Cruise's little black book. Courtney Love is looking pretty decent but then maybe she's just pulling back her weave so she can suck off a hobo for a roll of Lifesavers because, hey, THIS IS COURTNEY LOVE! Remember the Charlie Brown character Pig Pen? That is totally Courtney. Former pro-wrestler and 2008 graduate of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, Chyna, overdosed on Benadryl. Apparently she took five times the recommended dosage. I was thinking that Chyna was a lightweight because back in my football playing days we'd take sudafed before games. It was nothing for me to take a full sheet. I don't remember why we did that. It was probably because some pros were doing that. Either way, I'd still let her bodyslam me. This is Charlie Hunnam. He's on Sons of Anarchy. After seeing this cover, I think he no longer fits into that biker gang. How many outlaw bikers do you know that butter themselves up and appear on the cover of a fitness magazine? The answer is none. My view of that biker show has been change but then I go to extreme lengths for my female readers. I love you guys. Since Lindsay Lohan's fashion line, 6126, can't get an actual model to pose for her clothes, they hired Lindsay's sister, Ali, to model. I wonder if people will buy those clothes. Jennifer Lopez wanted to throw a birthday party for her husband this week at an exclusive restaurant in New York City but the place was already booked by Calvin Klein. She wound up having the party at another place but demanded the first restaurant make their special biscuits. Is it me or is that a bit demanding? Those biscuits must contain some secret ingredient that makes her maintain that luscious ass. Oh, that's right, the secret ingredient to maintain a big butt is called trans fat. The judges for the next season of American Idol will be...hey, if you read these posts you knew this weeks ago. It was Hollywood's worst kept secret. I think this will be a really long season. I have demands of this show. Randy Jackson must use the words "pitchy" and "dog" in every sentence and every sentence must begin with the word "yo". What? He already does that? Then I demand Steven Tyler do something shocking because he's a rock star, something like drinking the blood of a virgin contestant or summoning the spirit of GG Allin to show us what a concert is all about. JLo better bust some stools with dat ass...see what I did there? Oh and my final demand...this has to be the last season of American Idol. I think Justin Bieber got lost while trying to find the ball pit and somehow ended up posing for photos at Hooters. Good thing Hooters has a kids menu otherwise Justin would have been a sad little boy. Actually he may not be a boy much longer. Posing with Hooters waitresses has to be another rung up the old puberty ladder. Soon his voice will be breaking when he's singing and they'll have to make all his songs about changing and then he'll win the talent show...dang, two Brady Bunch references in one post, I need help.
Video Section: This is that Katy Perry video that Sesame Street booted.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I am thinking of partaking of Notsoberfest, I mean Oktoberfest. Oh and that facebook thing...I may be serious.
I was going to do one of those link posts today but currently I am exhausted. My aunt had surgery so I had to drive over to her town and pick her up to take her to the hospital. Then I went home and was basically on the phone all afternoon. Then my mom calls and said the surgery was delayed and I had to run to a town 30 minutes away to pick up a prescription for my aunt. So I go. I am about 10 minutes in and come across a traffic jam in a town of 700 people. No, there weren't any cows involved. Some company was shipping an oil tank to Florida and it was 100ft long and was too tall for travel down the interstate. So they were driving through the Wisconsin country side. I travel behind it for ten minutes and finally they pull over to let me pass. I floor it and am out of that town and go the next 20 minutes carefree. The pharmacy was strange because all the boxes of condoms were just display with the phrase: "Ask for these at counter" Yeah, that's going to help promote safe sex. Anyway, I get the pills and drive back 20 minutes to my aunt's house. Guess what? I hit the fucking traffic jam from the other side. Yes, in 40 minutes this monstrosity had only went about 10 blocks. Finally they started detouring traffic but I didn't follow and the traffic stop guy was screaming. I rolled down my window and said, "I'm fucking going to that fucking house right fucking there...the fucking green one." He nodded. I get there and talk with my aunt's 90 year old neighbor. He has a worse mouth than I do. We watched this semi try to negotiate a corner for close to a half hour. It was so bad and of course all 700 townspeople had to be there plus those from neighboring communities. Then my mom shows up and she said how she had to go back roads to get there. The 90 year old guy said, "Shit, you should've just went down the goddamn fucking bike path." Then I tried to set up vcrs for my aunt. I am fuming about that. They no longer make vcrs with internal tuners. I wanted to put my head through a wall. OK I better stop there. All I can say is that I can't see straight right now so I guess that means no vlog. Tattoos Hot damn...I've finally figured out how women work; they're machines. Get it? He's got the whole world in his hand and he's also got the world stroking his ego. I choose you....whatever your name is from a craze that is so 2002. You should see how crazy this guy gets when he see minority unicorns. I don't know why but ALF is the biggest turn-off in tattoos. There is no way I would date a woman with an ALF tattoo. This guy is the world's most devout 90210 fan. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY When Toby Keith first saw this tattoo, he dropped his pants and began to masturbate furiously because that is how much Toby Keith loves America. Do you love America? When it rains, it pours, bitch. Now what type of rocket is that? You know it's a shame that the predator never conquered back hair. Those are what you think they are...vampire genitals. Here is where I would normally insert a joke about sucking but I'm not in the mood...what is wrong with me? Awww...he got that tattoo for his dad. Hey, it's the root of all parties...a $200 bill. Who is on the $200 bill? James K. Polk
Alright, good night kids. Shine on you crazy diamonds.
That's what she said? My cock doesn't feel like coming out to play tonight so I'm dumping photos. You've been warned. Damn...zombies are in season. Give me a "B"...B...Give me a "J"...J...mrphmrphhympaht I have something else for mommy that would be quite relaxing. What a dick! In Wisconsin, we demand it. I hope that's twins...why am I so oddly fascinated? The secret ingredient in Busch's baked beans is whore. That's what I thought, kid. Grandma is so hood. Look, it's the rare Rockatiel. Happy birthda---oh my god! Someone is overcompensating and has a small penis. My childhood toys sucked. More like dino-SORE Leave it to the Big Peanut industry to advertise with subliminal messages. I now present my favorite superhero...Jew-verine! He'll fight for the safety of his people 6 days a week. His only weakness is non-kosher food and being out after sundown on Fridays. God has a sense of humor. Jerry Falwell was reincarnated as that cat.
I took my cats to the vet today to have a monthly check up and have their claws trimmed. I just can't bring myself to have them de-clawed. I think it is inhumane but anyway, my poor cat. When the vet gently grabbed her paws, the cat would look up into my face as if to ask, "Why are you letting her do this to me?" I would have answered, "Because when you crawl on me at night, you like to knead your paws into my body and your claws go through the blanket, sheet, and my shirt so you are poking me and these pokes draw blood so I wake up in the morning with spots of blood all over my shirt...that's why."
I ate supper with my parents tonight. That was a joy. My dad is smoking again but he hides it. We can tell because his breathing is so bad and he isn't smart to dispose of butts. My mom is staring at him as he eats and asks, "Why are you breathing so hard and grunting?" My dad says, "Oh my joints ache." My mom then says, "Well it sounds like you are having s-e-x." Yes, my parents still spell words around me because they either think I am still a child or am a complete and utter moron.
I think my Xanga was hacked. I don't recommend pornography unless "recommend" means "obsessively watch".
I once had a friend that said he went to funerals to find grieving women. He said the greatest gift a guy could give a woman at a funeral was mourning wood.
The rappers often say, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife". I think that's true but with the right kind of drugs you can definitely turn a housewife into a ho.
There is a time and place for romance so be sure to light some candles and bring home some flowers when you ask your girlfriend if her best friend can join in on sexy times. Men, the best strips are like the best whiskey drink, mixed up with coke. Ladies, are you having a tough time paying your bills? Well then I am sure there is a group of Bills who would appreciate you dancing for them. Ladies, you can tell me are lying based on whether or not you've had sex with them. If, yes, then they are lying. Ladies, men only have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see a man without an erection, you better make him a sandwich. I think I am going to start calling my penis "Ouija Board" because it's made of wood and women are afraid to touch it.
I wonder if I wrote this in an English accent, would people take me seriously.
I wish I still lived in Minnesota because this winter I could look forward to Brad Childress delivering my pizza.
Here's your weekly dose of motivation:
I wonder if they have musical theater productions in heaven. If they do I bet they do "The Wizard of Oz" all the time and Kurt Cobain always gets cast as the Scarecrow because he doesn't have a...oh wait...nevermind.
For Badger football fans, watch Coach Bielema on Saturday to see if he walks with a limp. He dropped a keg on his foot this weekend.
My doctor told me I'm at the perfect weight but that I am two feet short.
A woman approached me at the ATM and she asked if I knew how to check her balance. I pushed her down. It wasn't working.
I'm so glad summer's coming to an end because that means only 2 more months of house arrest. I was surfing through some Wisconsin schools and found this professor. It's legit. I think I am going to be taking her classes this next semester.
I keep seeing all these commercials for the Facebook movie. All I can say is that they can really make a bad movie with little to no reality look pretty good. Oh and they use a choir version of Radiohead's "Creep". That's a nice touch. So when are we going to get a Xanga movie? Oh I bet I'll contribute to it but I won't see any of the profits.
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