Yep...this is a day late.  I am a casualty of Xanga's new IM.  I signed off this morning so I could write.  I'm just realizing that I have not had my facebook IM on since I figured out how to shut it off.  Nothing much exciting going on.  It cooled off and I decided to stay home and be warm.  It got down to 40 last night.  The town is having their Labor Day celebration and last night the beer tent at the fairgrounds served free beer.  You just had to pay your $10 entrance fee.  I don't know.  It didn't add up for me.  They also had fireworks last night and they shot them off from a new location.  It seemed like they were exploding right over the house.  Plates were rattling and my cats were terrified.  If any of my dinnerware broke, I wonder if I could bill the city.  Anyway, college football kicked off this week and I'm going to be glued to the tv. 

Images may not be safe for work or for life....NSFW and NSFL

This is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  The Head and Shoulders shampoo company has insured his hair, which he hasn't cut for seven years, for $1million.  Troy had this to say, "It’s like J.Lo’s insured butt! Head & Shoulders has gone above and beyond by insuring my Samoan locks for a cool $1 million dollars. This reinforces that my full and thick hair is unstoppable."  Hmmm, couldn't $1million be used for something useful like helping schools that are struggling to make ends meet?  NO, WE MUST INSURE FUCKING HAIR!  Uh-oh...look out,  when Brett Favre retires, he may have to insure his hemorrhoids.  To make up for this insurance policy, Troy should have to work for it.  Hell, he should donate that mess to Locks of Love but I know I know...it's because he's Samoan so don't beat down my door.  Well if he doesn't cut that hair, then dress him in drag and lock him in the same room with Ben Rothliesberger.

T.I., in the words of Antoine Dodson, you are dumb.  T.I. was just recently released from prison and on probation but this matters not to T.I. because he was arrested this week.  Officers pulled him over and noticed a smell of marijuana in his vehicle.  They searched the vehicle and found a controlled substance.  Some say it was Ecstasy and others are saying it was Purple Drank.  He was with his wife, Tiny, in his car...hmmm a black guy driving erratically in a Maybach filled with Styrofoam cups...that sounds like Kim Kardashian's wildest fantasies.

The other week, I posted a story about how Taylor Lautner is suing an RV dealership because they didn't deliver an RV to a movie set on time and this made Taylor a sad werewolf.  He was suing for $300,000 in damages and emotional distress.  This week it was announced that Taylor was willing to settle for $40,000 but the RV dealer, Bret McMahon, had a better idea on how to settle the issue.  He challenged Taylor to a push-up contest, winner gets $40,000.  Bret said that if he wins, he will donate the money to charity.  OK, so let's get this straight.  An older, balding, overweight man is challenging a young, fit, actor in a push-up contest.  I think Bret is making excuses for how he can see Taylor's chiseled chest.  Oh and you're welcome, Jenn.

Snookie's boyfriend, Jeff Miranda dressed in his finest camouflage and used this magazine cover to ask Snookie to marry him.  He has claimed that he is not using her for her fame.  Asking a girl to marry you on the cover of a magazine supports that claim 100%, Jeff.  If they marry, I seriously hope that there is a substance in Ed Hardy clothing and cologne that sterilizes people because we do not need the Jersey Shore cast spawning.

Salma Hayek dined at Madeo in Hollywood this week.  Everyone couldn't stop staring.  The host, the waiters, teh busboys, the cooks, the customers...everyone stopped and stared.  What did she order?  Was it cooked to her specifications?  Who was she with?  We may never know because...BOOBS!

Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas last weekend for possession of cocaine.  The police pulled over her boyfriend on suspicion of drunk driving.  The car smelled of marijuana so the cop started searching the vehicle.  Well he didn't have to work that hard to find the good stuff on Paris.  She wanted to use the bathroom at a nearby hotel but the police officer wouldn't let her go with her purse.  He said he would hold it and as she handed it to him but before she gave it up she reached in for some lip gloss but then the coke fell out.  Of course, Paris claims the purse isn't hers and that the cop planted the coke.  Paris is lying about the purse because she tweeted pictures of it when she bought it months ago.  Paris is pretty stupid.  She needs friends who are less interested in partying and more interested in keeping her steered down the right path in life. And she needs these friends around her at all times. Because if she gets pulled over again with cocaine in her purse, she can just say it was theirs.  This is the third time she's been arrested for possession and the third time she's used the "it's not mine" card.  Why is she famous?  Even her arrests are getting boring.  And because they don't fuck around in Vegas, Paris has been banned from many hotels and clubs.  If a club is known to have drug dealers and consumption they run risk of losing their liquor licenses and if Paris shows up then the law will keep close eyes on them and they don't want that.  Also, celebrities don't get special treatment out there.  Hopefully she gets a Go to Jail card and lands in a suite next to O.J. Simpson.  You know he'd love that because he LOVES blondes.

These are Paris's other mugshots.  Man, that left eye really does have a mind of it's own.  I think her most recent mugshot is the prettiest.

Olivia, do you know what you do to me?  She posed for GQ magazine and I think this is some sort of artsy photo shoot.  I think it is a critique on the social stigma placed on the queef but then I've never been able to interpret art.

Hmmm Miley Cyrus looks different.  She's so bloated in the face.  I get it.  She's got a spray-on tan and wearing religious jewelery despite not promoting a religion...SHE'S TRYING TO GET ON JERSEY SHORE. Either that or she had Snookie's face transplanted on her head and the plastic surgeon used Elmer's glue to keep it in place.  Ugh...seriously...it's just beginning with her and plastic surgery.  That is so sad.

Well Mickey Rourke cut ties with his greasy mop.  He sort of looks like Robert Blake.  Ladies, are you buying Mickey's new look?  If you are, then might I suggest a low interest loan?

Early reviews of the movie Machete are saying that Lindsay Lohan is nude almost the entire time she's on screen.  Also in the movie there is a scene where she partakes in a 3-way with Danny Trejo and her character's mother.  You know, I've been harsh on Lindsay and her rack continues to persevere.  It succeeds in spite of her.  Also, director Robert Rodriguez will not let her near any of the premieres or promotions for this movie.  I can just see how she'll spin her treatment.  I bet she'll claim that she couldn't do any promotion because she was too busy having a meeting with Alfred Hitchcock because he saw her in Machete and had a role for her.  When asked if she realizes that Alfred Hitchcock is dead she'll say that she knows and that he was so impressed with her acting skills that he rose from the dead to write a movie centered around her acting repertoire. 

Lindsay almost found herself back in jail for murder.  She nearly hit a baby in a stroller as she was leaving her apartment complex and Lindsay being Lindsay didn't stop but just kept on going.  That was a great move letting her out of jail and rehab early.  It may have been good for her but it wasn't good for the future of our children.  A witness said a woman was pushing a child in a stroller and Lindsay ran a red light and clipped the stroller, stopped for two seconds, and then sped away.  A witness jumped in his car and followed Lindsay and she was driving erratically and running multiple stop lights.  So let's review...since Lindsay got her license back last week she has ran red lights, ran stop signs, pulled over for doing 120mph on city streets, and hit a baby in a stroller.  I know my friend Jack and I have had our adventures while driving but we've never hit a baby in a stroller.  Of course Lindsay's reps went into full damage control mode by claiming that the stroller was tapped at 1mph and everyone is lying.  I guess I owe Lindsay an apology because I overreacted.  Strollers aren't made of strings and twigs and can withstand the force of a 4000lb automobile.  Honestly, Lindsay shouldn't be allowed to even drive in Mario Kart.

Lady Gaga is insufferably full of herself and has a god complex.  She is fearful that because of cell phone use, she may develop a brain tumor.  So to guard against getting a brain tumor, she has an assistant hold her phone for her at a distance and she shouts at the phone.  OK, first off, I thought you had to have a brain to get a brain tumor.  She also has started to demand that her security guards carry her so she can limit the amount of walking she does in a single day.  I probably wouldn't last 5 minutes working for Lady Gaga.  When I quit there would be an awkward 911 call requesting that they bring the jaws of life to remove a bear trap from her head.

Kim Kardashian claims this is her most risque cover shoot.  She must have a bad memory or just maybe her sextape cover doesn't count.

This week Kelly Osbourne performed with the Pussycat Dolls.  Yes, that's Kelly Osbourne.  After Dancing with the Stars, she continued to lose weight and this is what she currently looks like.  I don't know.  I just hope she went about that weight loss in a healthy manner.  With that red hat...she looks like a candy apple that I just want to sink my teeth into and eat for hours on end.  So here's a lesson kids, the first thing you do when you lose a bunch of weight...you dress in your sparkliest clothing and go shake your ass for everything in God's creation to see.

Karissa Shannon was on the red carpet for something or other this week.  I was hoping it was for the release of her sex tape but then the more I looked at the photo I figured it was just the unveiling of her wax statue.  That thing is so lifelike.  It even has nipples!  Wait, that's her?  Well I guess this means that Martin Luther King's dream has finally come true.

Jodie Sweetin had her second baby this week.  Awww...Stephanie Tanner is all grown up.  Her boyfriend Morty Coyle announced the birth of their daughter Beatrix Carlin Sweetin Coyle.  I think Kimmy Gibbler would have been a better name but then maybe Jodie's saving that name for her next child.  Also...her boyfriend's name is Morty Coyle.  The father of her other child, Zoie Laurelmae, is named Cody Herpin.  Why is she dating guys whose names sound like prescription medicines?

I love it when old people talk about beating young people.  Jerry Lewis made me smile this week.  He said this about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, "I would smack her in the mouth if I saw her…I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else – whack!’ And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her. The same thing with Paris Hilton – those children are begging for help. What they’re doing is saying…‘Can you please help me?’ When people who have celebrity give nothing in return, they need a spanking and a reprimand."  Hmmm...I don't know why but I'd love to spank Lindsay and Paris but I'd probably have to wear a couple pairs of rubber gloves to do the job.

Jennifer Anniston is going to be topless in her upcoming movie, Wanderlust.  You know, there was a time when people would have crowded the theaters to see Jen topless and that was ten years ago and what should have been in the movie Office Space.  Too bad her nude scene was deleted.  With the magic of the internet you can see it here.

Wow...Janice Dickinson must be hard up for money since she's caught here stealing money from a homeless guy.  What?  Oh wait...Ms. Dickinson's lawyers inform me that she was "giving" money to the homeless guy.  Since Janice Dickinson hasn't worked for quite some time...how'd she get money to give to the homeless?  Sorcery?  Magic?

Demi Moore is an 18 year old Myspace slut circa 2004 trapped in the body of a 47 year old Twitter fiend.  Thank Ganesha for Twitter!

Christina Hendricks...fap fap fap fap fap...was at the Emmy's.  She looks like she could be a Prohibition Era smuggler because it looks like she is trying to hid a couple kegs in her chest.  The only way she can push up those massive sweater puppies involves Mayan technology.  I look to Christina Hendricks for what will happen in 2012.  When those things collapse, the world will collapse with them.

This is for the ladies or as I was reminded last time I posted something I thought was strictly for the ladies...something for the dudes who like dudes.  This is Nick Gruber.  He is a new model for Calvin Klein.  He is also Calvin Klein's new boyfriend.  Last year he graduated high school and this year he's half-naked in advertisements.  I wonder how he got that job.  Probably hard work and perseverance.  I bet if Kramer had been Klein's boyfriend, we'd all be smelling like The Beach right about now.  I have been lacking on my Seinfeld references.

Normally I don't buy anything celebrities try to sell me as to how I should live or vote but Angelina Jolie is making me change my mind.  She said that eating steak is her beauty secret.  It's funny how girls starve themselves and go to such extreme lengths to look like Angelina and she maintains that beauty by eating steak.  She said that when she tried veganism it almost killed her because she was starving and lacked proper nutrition.  Wow...I am in tears here.  It's just so beautiful.  I must be the most handsome man in the world.  Must have more steak and more women.

Betty White is so hot and unique.  She wore this exquisite ensemble to the Emmy's.  Believe it or not that outfit is the only one of it's kind.  It is the rarest material on earth.  It's genuine unicorn hide.  And Betty finally got my mind out of the gutter when it comes to wearing pearl necklaces.

Britney Spears is still on vacation in Hawaii.  It must be nice to not have to work for a year and still go to Hawaii.  There were rumors floating around that she was there to get married but she's still unmarried.  I don't know what her boyfriend is waiting for.  He fattened the cow, kept it around, and fed it.  Next he should slaughter it, raid the bank account, and ride into the sunset in a new Ferrari...just like Britney's ex-husband, K-Fed.  I feel like sleaze for thinking K-Fed was on to something.

Video Section:
Conan O'Brien unveiled the name of his new late-night show on TBS.  You'll be pleasantly surprised what it will be called.

Guns N Roses played Ireland this week...OK so maybe it's just Axl Rose with a back-up band made to look like the original GNR.  He learned the hard way that you don't piss around with the Irish.  They don't like to wait around 90 minutes for you to show up and then offer no apology.  They also like it when you interact with the audience.  And if you are Axl Rose and do these things, then you get bottles thrown at you.  He's lucky that was all he got.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.