Back in the 90s, I enjoyed rap.  I was a white kid in a small town so rap music was marketed for me.  I listened to most anything I could get my hands on.  Then my parents heard it and my dad was so upset and all he could get out was "I marched with Dr. King and was disowned by some of my family."  I think he stopped himself from saying anything that Bill Cosby has said.  His disgust made me make sure I never listened to rap in his presence except the one time I had a Dr. Dre song on a mixtape that I was playing in his Cadillac.  I fell asleep and was woken by his screaming because of the song "Bitches Ain't Shit".  Since my stupid youth I have grown out of rap but I still think of it.  Well I have been working on a master's thesis exploring the meaning behind rap lyrics*.  Anyway I have decided that I will translate Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic "Baby Got Back".  My study has yielded no results as to when Mr. Lot was knighted.

Rap: I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
LA face with Oakland booty

Translation: I enjoy large buttocks and I have to be perfectly honest as do you, my friends, that when a slender female with a large derriere walks in to a room, your eyes become transfixed and you become erect.  You also want to have sex because you see that behind tightly packaged in a pair of jeans that may be the wrong size.  I am addicted to large rear-ends and I can not stop looking and when I see buttocks that are pleasant I want to take the girl home and take her photograph.  My comrades tried to stop me from taking you home but that tush makes me desire sexual intercourse.  Well, Rumpelstiltskin, would you like to go for a ride in my Mercedes Benz?  You may use me for simple sexual gratification because you are not the average band follower.  I have seen your fanny while dancing which makes me not want to think of dating.  This particular girl is quite attractive and wet and her body is reminiscent of a turbo Corvette.  I do not agree with publications that say small fannies are desirable.  If you ask the average African American and ask him about his the type of buttocks he prefers on a mate he will tell you that his ideal woman would have a large hind-end.  Gentlemen? Gentlemen?  Does your girlfriend have an adequate hinney?  If she does then she should point it in an outwards direction and movie it about.  Females have nice buttocks.  This woman appears to have a beautiful face much like the women of Los Angeles but her buttocks are quite similar to the females located in Oakland, California.

Rap: I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

Translation: I enjoy buttocks that are round and large.  When I am participating in a musical concert, I may give in to my animalistic desires because I can not help myself when I see an above average bum.  This is a very scandalous idea but when I saw your large buttocks I would like to take you home and copulate quite possibly two times.  I do not enjoy the publication called Playboy because the females in that magazine are filled with silicone parts and this substance is used in the manufacturing of toys.  I like massive and succulent buttocks so when I find a pair of buttocks that meet my standards, I find myself in a bind because I will beseech the girl with the ample buttocks to have intercourse with me.  I sometimes find myself watching "rock and roll" music videos and see women that have knees that are abnormally close together and ankles that are spread far apart.  These specific women also amble as if they were women of loose morals.  Sir, you can keep these particular women and I will cache women who are like Florence Griffith-Joyner.  I will now take a moment to talk to the African American ladies with large buttocks, I would like to be close to you.  I will not strike you or use derogatory language in your presence but I have to be honest when I say that I would like to fornicate with you until the sun rises because you have all the correct features in my weltanshauung of females.   A lot of simpletons will not like my musical oratory because these delinquents would prefer it that they have relations with you and then depart.  Me, on the other hand, would love to stay more than one night so that we may cavort.  My penis is above average in length and I am above average in strength and sexual relations without condoms acceptable.  Ladies?  Ladies?  Would you like to go for a ride in my Mercedes Benz?  If you answered affirmatively to this question then thrust your buttocks in an outward motion.  Even Caucasian-American males will exclaim that you have an adequate backside.  Yes, when females are all compared the females in the publication Cosmo have nothing on you.  When they suggest the measurements of 36-24-36 it is only desirable if the female in question is 5'3".

Rap: So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

Translation: Your girlfriend may drive an automobile produced by Honda and does work-out routines featuring Jane Fonda however Ms. Fonda does not have an enticing buttocks.  My large penis does not want sexual relations with a woman unless she has an ample rear-end.  If you want to remain healthy do all the work-out routines that you want but please do not do routines that would make your buttocks disappear.  Some gentlemen would like to appear as if they were not pleasant and try to feign masculinity so they will say that your butt isn't good so they will have relations and disappear and I will drive in my Mercedes Benz to retrieve you in your heartbroken state.  The publication Cosmo says that women with large hind-ends are obese, now I strongly protest this accusation because I appreciate a slender waist and your contours are alluring.  Now I would like to talk about the skinny females in fashion magazines.  I am not attracted to these women.  I enjoy women that don't miss meals.  Some fool disliked that I extol the virtue of his girlfriend's buttocks but even though he was a fine gentlemen he chose to physically abuse her and then I will drive in Mercedes Benz to rescue the abused woman.  So, ladies, if your buttocks are bulbous and you would like to have coitus with yours truly dial the telephone number 1-900-649-2568 and divulge your mischievous thoughts.  Girl, you have an ample backside.

*I'm not.  Maybe this is why I'm never on the front page or it could be just another example of the man keeping me down.