There's your warning.

So the primary results are in for Wisconsin.  It will be the guy who claims he takes a brown paper bag lunch to work every day and promotes fiscal responsibility that while campaigning racked up a $500 restaurant bill for just him and his wife against the guy who got his ass kicked by a mugger.  In my congressional district it will be two guys that attend the same Lutheran church in La Crosse running against each other.  One recently used campaign money to pay back the city of La Crosse because they put in new lights in his baseball stadium and whose wife was fired from her job for stealing prescription pills and the guy other has the greatest name in all of politics...Kind.  I voted...I don't know why.  I voted for a candidate that held illegal campaign rallies out of state at my college.

Sex advice: If you want to get your partner to try anal, sing to them.  You sing "A Whole New World" from the movie Aladdin.  Trust me, I'm celibate.  People, chlamydia is not classy even if it is technically post-coitus applause...the clap?  If your wife begs you for expensive jewelery and says, "Every kiss begins with a K."  You remind her that so does every knuckle.  Ladies, saying "I'm late" is translated as "I think we should see other people" in man language.  Stay away from girls who call themselves maneaters, you may catch a tooth in the junk.  Are vegans allowed to swallow?  Sex with me is like a roller coaster, not because of the ups and downs but because you will have to vomit after we're finished.

You know, when I come across someone that actually does the sound "hee hee hee" when they laugh, I fear that I will be raped and/or murdered.  Oh and I've watched so many episodes of Law and Order: SVU that I think I would make a helluva lawyer or a murderer.

Dear Facebook, just wait for the day that your completely abandoned.  Yours truly, Myspace.

I was working out at the gym the other day and guess who should hop in the shower next to me?  It was none other than Tom Jones.  Now, there have been many rumors about the size of this guy's penis and that it was abnormally large.  Let's just say, it's not unusual.  That's for my mom.  You're welcome.  Don't you think it's time to get over your unhealthy obsession with Tom Jones?  Just because him and dad used to run cocaine in the Caribbean doesn't mean he's still in his prime.  Oh and I suppose you loved all those times when those two held all you can eat seafood buffets at gunpoint until they had their fill of scallops...ooops, I shouldn't air my family's dirty laundry.  Just disregard all of this.

I had a joke about abortion clinics and the music they play inside but even I thought it was distasteful so you know it was good.  If you have any ideas of songs they play at abortion clinics...leave me a comment.

The quickest way to look and feel thin is to befriend a lot of fat people.  I made a lot of people feel thin throughout my life.

Reggie Bush forfeited the Heisman trophy but he kept a trophy that is much more impressive, Kim Kardashian's thong.

And now...your weekly dose of motivation:

I always thought MNF stood for Monday Night Football.  It actually stands for Men Neglect Females.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but your hate posts on Xanga really test my insecurity issues.

Super Mario Brothers have been around for 25 years and they're still doing shrooms.

I find it odd that I have to turn on my computer to have my computer turn me on.

I really need to stop sipping Tullamore Dew while writing these.  I also think I should stop writing these in the manner that I do because Larry King's replacement has been chosen.  Larry let me down once again.  Good night.