18 | September | 2010 | godfatherofgreenbay's Xanga Site

Oh what a fun day. I ended up going with my aunt to the hospital because she needed surgery on her knee. She tore her ACL and meniscus. I think her days of playing in the NFL are over. I was sitting in a waiting room and I see this girl sit down. She has a toddler child who appears to be under 2 years old and she has an infant daughter who I later learned was 10 days old. She started talking to another young girl with a 3 month old baby. The 15 year old girl said that she wanted to get on the MTV show about teen moms. I wonder if she purposely got knocked up to get on that show. What the fuck? Isn't it great to know that there are kids that young getting more sex than you? Oh well, quality over quantity...some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

Will.I.Am dressed up for MTV's Video Music Awards last weekend. He decided to go in black-face and of course this ignited a Twitter war. Listen to some of these tweets: "Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!" "Anyone notice that Will.i.am painted himself in blackface? I sure hope there's some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that." "Will.i.am just sent us back 1,000 yrs... Really sir, #Blackface in front the grey ppl!" Will.I.Am went on Twitter and said "Are you guys serious? my outfit set "black people back 100 yrs" choose your twits wisely. no education sets people back, no jobs, bad health" If people want to be offended, they should be claiming that Mr. Am did not give credit where credit is due for his look. Come on, he totally ripped of Max Headroom.

Vince Neil was interviewed by Hustler magazine, such a fine publication...I remember when my dad used to get that and left it lying around the house. Hustler had such unique articles and pictorials. I think maybe it was my dad's way of talking to me about sex. Anyway Vince was talking to Hustler about how he and his bandmates would cover up the smell of skank puss on their dicks. After they would have sex with groupies in the recording studio, they would hop in Tommy Lee's van and head to a burrito joint. They would order egg burritos and then rub the burritos all over their genitals so instead of smelling like infected vagina, their penises reeked of eggs and to get off the hook they would tell their significant others that they just dropped a burrito in their lap. Vince also admitted that they never thought of going to a bathroom and washing off their dicks with water. See, this is why we need the federal government establishing courses for men to learn how to wash their genitals. The saddest part is that when I first heard this story all I could think about was all the wasted food.

Victoria Silverstedt was photographed doing her morning stretches. The former Playmate needs to stay in shape so businessmen in Dubai will continue to pay her $30,000 a day for her escort services. Yeah, she does that. Her resume for applying to be a prostitute is about as big of shoe-in as it would be for Abe Lincoln running for PTA president. Victoria is the epitome of Swedish elegance which in some circles is synonymous with "whorish".

Tila Tequila went to a celebrity women's retreat where basically all they do is get free stuff. While arriving for the retreat she took a time out to pose for photos and couldn't resist sticking something in her mouth to simulate a blowjob. She is so classy! Then I took a look at what she was sticking in her mouth. Yes, that's a vibrator. Stay classy, Tila...stay classy!

Hey, what's the situation with Dancing with the Stars and The Situation? Seriously, someone needs to shoot me for that one. I guess this is a perfect look for him because he'll probably be stripping in five years and in ten years he'll be letting guys perform the Cleveland Steamer on him. Apparently he is also ignoring his Jersey Shore castmates since he joined DWTS. WOW...I NEVER SAW THAT ONE COMING!

Salma Hayek was photographed taking her daughter to school this week. If I was the teacher, I would schedule a parent/teacher conference after school every day of the school year because I love breasts...BOOBS!

Sasha Baron Cohen, best known for his role as Borat, is in talks to star as Freddie Mercury in a biopic about the band Queen. Queen has already licensed their music for the movie. I hope that they get Cohen to lip-synch since there is no way to replicate the perfection that is Freddie Mercury's singing voice. I have mixed emotions about this. It could be like dating a girl who works at a brewery who brings me home free beer every night and she adores me while I adore the beer. It could also be as disappointing as not being able to find a condom or a sandwich bag when you want to make love to your significant other.

Ladies have told me they dug Ryan Reynolds so here he is. GQ really doesn't know how to sell magazines. They should have him shirtless because that would sell more copies than usual but what do I know? I'm completely straight.

Look at Johnny Depp. He really wants one of Keith Richards' delicious, relaxing, cancer sticks. Oh they look so tasty. See I only tease because Johnny just quit. Keith and Johnny were spotted out on the town after taking a break from filming Pirates of the Caribbean 4. They really do look alike.

Here's another Rolling Stone doing something mundane. Oh the mundane thing is walking on a beach not his new girlfriend. That is Ronnie Wood's girlfriend Ana Araujo. She is one third his age. This gives me hope. I just have to get rich, famous, and become a world renown musician. Oh wait...if I dated a girl who was one third my age I would be locked up in the slammer for life.

I am glad I never took Owen Wilson up on his offer to go golfing. He looks like such a pleasant golf buddy. And don't ask, because there isn't any uncensored photos of him...sickos.

Because Octomom is no longer relevant and TV networks won't develop any reality series around her, she's doing the obvious...going on welfare. I guess her 15 minutes of fame are up and those 14 kids still need to eat. Maybe she should write a book...wait, she did and the publishers didn't like that it was written in crayon and crazy. Hmmm what other options are there? What's that? PORN? A few months ago Vivid Entertainment offered her $1million. Some are saying that she approached the company to find out how much they would pay her now because she is in dire straits and may have her home foreclosed. Now they are offering her $500,000. She will only have to work for one hour. She won't take the offer. She would rather fuck taxpayers than be fucked on camera.

Despite all the rumors of Miley Cyrus breaking up with Liam Hemsworth, they were spotted sucking face in her car this week. Hmmm maybe they are broken and Miley is trying to introduce the Disney pre-teen crowd to the joys of the FWB. Oh and remember, she's 17 and she's forgetful so that is why she wears see-through shirts.

Matt LeBlanc was spotted outside a club in his car smoking a joint. You know, I think that is the first hit LeBlanc has had since Friends went off the air.

Mario Lopez's A.C. Slater's girlfriend, Courtney Mazza, gave birth to a daughter this week. They named her Gia Francesca Lopez. Gia was a little early and Mario has had to rush to put together the baby sized tanning crib he ordered for her. Also, since he made Courtney go on a strict diet and workout routine to date him, he has put the baby on a strict diet and workout regime. That baby will have to lose her baby fat by the time she hits two months old otherwise she may find herself out on the street. And somewhere Jessie Spano is calling Slater a pig.

I don't think Vanessa Hudgens will be too happy with her boyfriend after she sees this photo of Zac Efron. OH MY GAWD HE'S FLEXING! What a choad! You know he could have taken those two back to his hotel room and had a threesome but instead he went back and lit some scented candles and drew a bath. What? Sometimes guys like to bathe and smell scented candles.

And since everyone else has chimed in about Lady Gaga's meat dress, so will I. PETA was pretty upset that she pulled this stunt. They ask if she will butcher the family cat to make a hat next. Lady Gaga is the type of person that will stick an infant on a pike if it meant that her photo would be taken. I still can't get over a dress made of meat. Wait a second! I'm not a big city fashion expert but I do know dresses aren't supposed to be made of meat. Didn't someone tell her before she left for the show? I bet when she found out she was wearing meat she got embarrassed. Oh and now she can say she's not only rich with money but rich in protein.

In a London newspaper, The Sunday Times, Camille Paglia had this to say about Gaga: "She constantly touts her symbiotic bond with her fans, the “little monsters”, who she inspires to “love themselves” as if they are damaged goods in need of her therapeutic repair. “You’re a superstar, no matter who you are!” She earnestly tells them from the stage, while their cash ends up in her pockets. She told a magazine with messianic fervour: “I love my fans more than any artist who has ever lived.” She claims to have changed the lives of the disabled, thrilled by her jewelled parody crutches in the Paparazzi video. Furthermore, despite showing acres of pallid flesh in the fetish-bondage garb of urban prostitution, Gaga isn’t sexy at all – she’s like a gangly marionette or plasticised android. How could a figure so calculated and artificial, so clinical and strangely antiseptic, so stripped of genuine eroticism have become the icon of her generation? Can it be that Gaga represents the exhausted end of the sexual revolution? In Gaga’s manic miming of persona after persona, over-conceptualised and claustrophobic, we may have reached the limit of an era…" Oh snap...Lady Gaga done got told! This week I was working in my yard and I had my radio on and some Lady Gaga was playing. This young lady heard it and said, "Fuck yeah! Lady Gaga! Little monsters!" I asked, "Why do you like Lady Gaga so much?" She replied, "Cuz she don't give a fuck and she don't care what society says and she plays by her rules and she does what she wants. Fuck the haters." I quipped, "You just described a child molester." She fumed, "Haters gonna hate!"

Lady Gaga is suing the company that produced this sex doll. Come on, Gaga, you should be happy. You sort of look like Amy Winehouse's slightly more attractive sister. You aren't attractive, you wear meat dresses, the lyrics of your songs sound like the poetry found in a Highlights magazine, and you have an unbearable sense of self-worth. They should be giving these away with a complimentary bottle of lighter fluid. Haters gonna hate.

Wow, is it me or does it look like Kim Kardashian injects Botox into her nipples? Nothing about her is real...except her ice cream cone eating skills.

Kim really does leave me wishing I was an ice cream cone. Hmmm am I the only one shocked that she's sucking on a vanilla one? She is an ice cream cone goddess. That is so impressive. I wonder if actresses in the golden era of Hollywood did that. Could Audrey Hepburn get an ice cream cone like that down her throat? Maybe not but I hear Cary Grant could.

A sex doll that is a parody of Kim Kardashian as released this week. Just read some of the features. I bet the writer was hired for his subtlety and I bet the writer is also in 9th grade.

Oh Keri Russell Felicity you look so good. It's odd how you don't find out how attractive a woman is until you see her naked. All I hope is that she doesn't cut her hair. WTF was that about? I can't believe that hair cut almost cut her career short.

The Moonman at the VMAs tried to get a handful of Katy Perry. Odd...I always thought the Moonman, much like the award show, was gay.

An insider at Vivid Entertainment claims that the Karissa Shannon sextape is the most extreme celebrity sextape the world has ever seen. He talked about whips, chains, handcuffs, and extreme positions. Well that sounds like a typical Tuesday in my house although I think my place is more extreme because I force tied-up girls to watch Dane Cook movies and anything featuring Kate Gosslein. I'm pretty sure forcing someone to watch Dane Cook and Kate Gosslein violates the Geneva Convention. Oh and Karissa's lawyer plans to fight Vivid so the tape will never be released. Come on, Karissa, you spread your legs for an 84 year old man. Don't act like you are royalty. You will probably give this tape away as Christmas presents and each DVD will contain a handwritten note that says, "The first five minutes are just us talking so you should probably fast forward".

Hmmm is it me or does Justin Timberlake seem extremely comfortable shoving cylindrical objects down his throat?

Casey Affleck admitted the obvious this week and said that the documentary featuring Joaquin Phoenix retiring from acting to pursue a rap career look like a hobo was all an act. Oh...I feel so betrayed. Casey claims that 99% of the film is fake and that includes that interview with Letterman. Actually Dave wasn't in on the act but it was all Joaquin being fake. There is also a scene that is supposedly from Joaquin's childhood. That was fake and the people were all actors. Casey also claims that he never intended to trick anyone. So I guess this means I can act like a dick, quit bathing, grow a hobo beard, hire hookers, take a dump on a hooker, take a dump on my friends, and do line after line of sweet, sweet coke and then when people call me on it, I'll just say, "I was acting!"

Jennifer Tilly turned 52 this week. I know I used this photo last year to announce her birthday. I swear this is the hottest non-porn photo I have ever seen. It combines three of my favorite things...boobs and poker.

Jason Biggs' wife posted this photo of him sans clothes on her facebook this week. Hopefully it will get him some work other than an American Pie movie. Has he done anything since American Pie? Too bad the photo was immediately taken down. I don't know which is the most disturbing thing about this photo, the visible phone charger, all the hair, or that he is completely naked except for his boots.

I really hate this guy. Jamie Oliver is a piece of crap. How dare he come to America and tell us how to eat and feed our children when he can't even give his children decent names! His wife gave birth to their fourth child this week. Jamie and his wife Jools named him, get this, Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver. WTF? Do they watch cartoons while smoking weed? Now don't think they just named their son a strange name because their daughters have equally impressive names...Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela, and Poppy Honey Rosie. Seriously, they read old children's books while they are stoned. I bet Buddy Bear Maurice will have a fun time on the playground when he gets to school.

Heidi Montag is still having fun in Costa Rica. Her top almost fell off. I guess that is what you get for wearing a DD top which is for those small breasted women...duh. I think it's time for her to switch to a one piece or get a bigger top. Oh and here's another novel idea, lose the implants.

Gerard Depardieu claims that while he and Robert DeNiro were working on the movie 1900, Gerard gave him a secret that absolutely disgusts yet intrigues me. He says that for one scene, Robert was required to have an erection however while filming Robert could not achieve one and being a master to his craft DeNiro refused to wear a prosthetic. Gerard suggested applying a mixture that involves water and Tiger Balm. Maybe Bobby couldn't get it up because he had to look at Gerard but that might not be the thing to say because Gerard may have been considered a looker back in 1977. Hmmm...I think Gerard Depardieu spreads that mixture all over his face every night before bed time.

George Michael was sentenced to 8 weeks in the pokey for DUI and loss of his license. He was smoking the sticky icky and got caught with it so now George will have to find out why Wham! is such a popular band in prison. I think this means he will have to sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" to his cellmate every night in the slammer. The funny thing is, 8 weeks in a confined space with rough and smelly men is a vacation for George.

Freida Pinto took time out of her life to pose for GQ. She posed with pomegranates. And that is why I love pomegranates...must...eat...more...

Elvira turned 59 this week. Hmmm I didn't know vampires celebrated birthdays. Do you even know her real name? Does it matter?

Dita Von Teese was in Australia this week promoting the liquor Cointreau. Oh my gawd...I am going to get my butt to the liquor store tomorrow and buy some Cointreau. What can I say, sex sells. fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

Wow...Courtney Love looks...decent? Actually she looks more like a homeless fashion model giving the international symbol for cunnilingus. Actually, by Courtney's standards this is somewhat glamorous but too bad it's at the beginning of the night and not the end. By the end of the night, Courtney will look like her old-self.

You know...I've missed Coco. She posted this lovely photo on her Twitter and her website this week. Coco, where is your thong? I am going to have to find it with my teeth.

Christina Hendricks broke my heart this week when she said that she would never pose nude. I feel so let down. Please show me boobs...anyone...please. Maybe Christina is afraid that they won't be perky enough. Quick...someone get Hogwarts on the phone and have them begin work on an anti-gravity spell. PLEASE...BOOBS!

This is Britney Haynes. She was a contestant on the Big Brother reality contest. Well the night of the finale, Britney's home in Arkansas burnt down. They are saying it was burnt down because of a faulty grill. Yeah...a faulty grill. She just got pissed that she was played from day one. Honestly, she should have burned down the Big Brother house. That show was so boring this season and they constantly had to show the most annoying person in reality TV history.

Ummm Andy...Mr. Dick...that's a microphone. We need it to pick up sounds. You did what with it? Well you can keep it.

Wow...Ali Larter is so pregnant, her nipples look like they are pregnant. She was on the Jimmy Fallon show recently and he asked what she was expecting. She said that she was having a little boy and that she was excited to have a little penis inside her. Jimmy Fallon said, "That's what she said." Wow, Fallon is funny because THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID!

Lindsay Lohan is in talks to host an episode of Saturday Night Live. This is just great. Just when she may have lost the sense of entitlement and realized actions have consequences, this job falls in her lap. Thank you, Lorne Michaels. Oh and thank you for never giving me a shot on your crappy TV show. I could have been somewhat funny...better than most of what you currently offer. Oh and word on the street is that Lindsay may be heading back to jail because she has failed numerous drug tests. Multiple tests have come back positive. TMZ only knows that one tested positive for cocaine but the others haven't been revealed. I wonder what Lindsay's excuse will be. Hmmm I think the "I thought I was snorting aspirin" excuse has been used. This time expect her to say that one night while she was sleeping someone drugged her and threw her into a bathtub full of ice and then surgically removed her bladder and replaced it with a bladder that was filled with tainted urine. Yep...that's the ticket.