You know what I want for Christmas?  A fan page on Facebook.  I just think that would be awesome.  Oh and I went out for supper this evening.  There was an Amish couple at the restaurant...sitting in a booth...next to each other...sharing bites of food.  It was actually pretty heartwarming to see love.  Damn...it's been too long.  Anyway the salad bar...if any of you operate or work at a restaurant never and I repeat never put vanilla pudding next to the salad dressing.  This didn't happen to me but this guy sitting next to me put vanilla pudding on his lettuce.  His reaction was priceless.  That reminds me of a friend in high school.  We were at a restaurant and he was up getting some dessert off the buffet.  He got a plate full of what he thought was chocolate pudding.  I thought it looked like pudding because it was piled like pudding.  He sits down and takes a bite.  "This is the worst chocolate pudding I've ever had."  I take a spoon and try it.  "Dude, that's gravy."  Did you read this?  Either way, some images may not be safe for work or for life.  NSFW and NSFL

I was reading this crazy story about the movie Goodfellas.  Tom Cruise was originally cast to play Henry Hill and Madonna was originally cast to play Karen Hill.  Martin Scorsese thought Ray Liotta was good but the producers wanted Cruise.  Liotta got the job after approaching the producer in a restaurant and pleading for the role.  Madonna fell out of favor with Scorsese.  Can you imagine those two in Goodfellas?  Tom would have been good as the coked-out Henry Hill because that's not acting, that's how Cruise usually acts.  I love Goodfellas, it's one of my favorite movies but if those two were cast it would have been worse than if Eddie Murphy and Bette Midler were cast in Driving Miss Daisy.  Oh and also something to think about...at the time Goodfellas filmed Tom Cruise was ending a relationship with Mimi Rogers and Madonna was ending a relationship with Warren Beatty.  Could you imagine that couple?

Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady is seriously whipped.  His girlfriend Giselle Bundchen will not let him cut his hair.  I think the reason she won't let him chop the mop is because she loves having the hair that way so she can fantasize about Justin Bieber when they have sex. 

I miss the days of music before the autotone when artists had to have actual talent to sing and put out an album.  That being said, Snooki is working on an album with producers.  They will begin recording as soon as she can reach the microphone.

Apparently the American defenses are so weakened by fighting two wars that we have started to train Ewoks to learn karate so they will fight for us.  This is good for the tax payer because the only pay they ask for is extra spicy beef jerky.

JWoww from Jersey Shore is in negotiations to pose for Playboy.  I guess that's OK since she may be the most doable cast member but are those things on her feet?  Honestly, I don't see why they are popular.  Anyway back on task...Saying that JWoww is the most doable cast member is like saying Lisa Bonet was the least black person on the Cosby Show.  Also, when Playboy announced that they had begun negotiations with JWoww they also announced that the magazine would begin catering to the blind.  She has been offered $400,000 to bare all.  The only problem is her contract with MTV forbids her from posing nude.  If JWoww gets in Playboy, you know full well that she was holding Hef's daughter hostage.

Playgirl is in negotiations with Vinny from Jersey Shore to pose nude and to develop a possible line of dildos.  See, he's the guy Snooki once described having sex with as trying to put a watermelon in a pin hole.  Maybe he was trying to get into her cranium.  After reading these Jersey Shore reports, are you forcing yourself from punching a wall?  I am.

Sarah Silverman told a reporter this week that in her new movie, Take this Waltz, she will be doing full frontal nudity.  See, I don't know how true that may be because Sarah is a jokester.  She also said that the nudity was not pretty.  Well neither is global warming but I still find ways to enjoy it.  Hell...I'll probably be camped out in front of the theater for this movie.  I love me some Sarah Silverman.  She is my type of girl.  Oh and a while back I pulsed about how there was a lack of Jewish porn stars.  Does Sarah now count?  I also forgot Ron Jeremy so we won't count Sarah because...it's Ron Jeremy, he's in everything and everyone.

Robbie Williams posed with some dog butts on his head.  I think a new fetish has been born.  Are you serious?  That second one sort of looks like a colonial wig.  Hmmm...no, there is no way I'd stick a dog's butt on my head as part of a Halloween costume.

Randy and Evi Quaid were arrested this week for squatting in a house they used to own.  When cops showed up, they claimed they owned the house but the rightful owner was on scene with paperwork showing he indeed owned the house.  Squatting isn't the proper term it's residential burglary and unlawful entry.  Evi was also charged with resisting arrest.  A contractor inspected the house and claims that the Quaids did $5,000 worth of damage to the house.  This comes a year after Randy and Evi were arrested for trying to pay a hotel bill with a fake credit card.  Just look at them...they scream crazy.  How the mighty Cousin Eddie has fallen!  He's begging Chevy Chase to do another National Lampoon's movie...Retirement Home?

This photo was taken into evidence.  It was placed over the fireplace in the house where they were squatting.  I think I have found a new photo for my mantle or this could be a great Christmas card.  I just need to figure out how to get rid of the TMZ whore stamp.  Randy claims that back in the 90s, some woman named Ronda Quaid illegally signed her name on forged documents saying she owned the house and of course they just found out about it.  This is his actual defense.  He also says that they were cleaning the house despite the contractor saying they caused $5000 in damage.  I am surprised A&E hasn't contacted Randy for a reality series because it seems like the Quaids' life is like The First 48, Hoarders, Billy the Exterminator, Intervention, and Obsessed all rolled into one show.  If they can get a ghost that sounds like Steven Segal this show would be everything on A&E.  The world needs more Cousin Eddie.  In related news, Dennis Quaid has stopped taking Randy's phone calls.

Paris Hilton will not be facing any jail time for her cocaine possession.  She received a $2,000 fine and 200 hours of community service.  Look at that smug birth.  Now she probably thinks she can sell heroin to kids and only receive a stern talking to.  So I guess it is true that money can buy happiness and also in Paris' case it can buy pretty.

To celebrate her freedom, Paris decided to go to Japan.  She was not allowed to enter the country because apparently they don't like gold digging hoes who have no respect for the legal system and those who are on probation.  I think Japan and I are now cool over that Pearl Harbor incident.  I've invited Japan over for a barbecue tomorrow.

Minka Kelly says she hates Lindsay Lohan and that Lindsay should move to Guam.  What did Guam ever do to you?  Why hate Guam?  Is it because you date Derek Jeter and have to be an asshole just like him?  And to think I used to fap to that Guam hater.

Joey Matt LeBlanc doesn't want to be called Joey anymore and this interview for The Mirror proved that. 
3am: "You all right, Joey? How YOU do-in?"
Matt: "I'm not Joey. Don't you dare call me Joey. The papers say I'm finished, so don't call me fucking Joey. I want to leave that all behind. I'm moving on."
3am: "OK, Joey, if that's how you feel. But what are you doing? Let's be honest, Joey, that's who everyone knows you as."
Matt: "I'm not Joey. For the last time. I'm not fucking Joey. It's Matt. Matt LeBlanc. Joey's in the past. I'm trying to do something new."
3am: "Like what, Joey?"
Matt: "I'm gonna do comedy. Working with the Friends producers to do comedy in England. And it's got nothing to do with Joey before you ask."
Who is he kidding?  He's a one trick pony.  He should have never did a spin-off where he played the same character.  That never works especially not on NBC...what's that?  Fraiser...fuck, Joey is a one trick pony.  Oops, I mean Matt is a one trick pony.
 
Madonna, Lourdes, and Taylor Momsen took time out of whatever it is they do to show off Lourdes' new fashion line because nothing says rebellious teenage punk rocker girl than clothes at Macy's.  Why do those three together look like something produced by Amy Sedaris?  I am confused with Taylor's look.  I think she is trying to look like a raccoon but she pulls off the brain dead look quite well.  I'm surprised the NAACP hasn't went after her for wearing blackface.

Lindsay Lohan failed her drug tests and had to make a court appearance for her probation.  The judge opened up a legal can of whoop ass and sent her to jail without bail until her sentencing.  I wonder how the Lohan family will spin this.  This time it was Lindsay was brainwashed by the evil Mugato in a plot to kill the Malaysian Prime Minister.  The judge that sentenced her to stay in prison until her next hearing is up for re-election this year.  I want to move to L.A. just so I can vote for him.  He's really cleaning up the streets.  He's basically Batman.



These are Lindsay's "contrite" tweets acknowledging her failed drug tests.  I wonder how much she paid her publicist to write them.

So Lindsay was taken into custody and had this lovely mugshot taken.  The orange really does bring out the look of desperation in her eyes.  My bubble was burst later on this evening when an assistant judge overruled the first judge and said that Lindsay had the right to post bail which was set at $300,000.  She also has to wear a SCRAM bracelet.  I wonder how Lindsay posted money for bail.  People are claiming she's broke and was considering taking a job in Japan to do fetish videos.  Well she could get arrested a couple of more times and she'd have enough mugshots to fill a calendar.

Lenny Kravitz wants to know...are you gonna strut my way?  Look at those leather pump boots and shirt.  I think sometime I should wrap myself in a sheet and walk around with that.  Oh wait...that's a toga.  Anyway, I bet Tim Gunn is salivating and masturbating over Lenny's fashion sense.

The dress Lady Gaga wore to the VMAs is going to be preserved as beef jerky and displayed.  Hopefully it will be displayed for future "artists" to see what not to wear.  It's good to see when "artists" diversify and enter into other business ventures especially business ventures involving beef jerky.

Kim Kardashian is celebrating Oktoberfest in a drindl this year.  OMG that is so hot.  Too bad she won't drink beer and at most Oktoberfests, Alize isn't on the menu. 

Kim Kardashian drinking beer....WHAT?  That is just so hot.  I'd love to take those pigtails and invade her Sudetenland with my weißwurst.

Friends are worried that Kiefer Sutherland's excessive drinking has gotten out of hand and that he needs to go to rehab.  Rehab is a great idea since he's been there 4 times already.  Rehab in Hollywood has to be a scam.  It never works.  Has anyone ever been to one of those places?  I bet it's just a buffet of booze, drugs, and sex that features trampolines, ball pits, and video games.

The greatest Lutheran actor, Kevin Sorbo, turned 52 this week.  He seriously is the best Lutheran to wear tights and play a god on TV.  Oh and this is for the ladies and the Lutherans.

Since everyone else is chiming in on this so will I.  Katy Perry was supposed to perform on Sesame Street this week however her part was pulled because her outfit was deemed risque by many parents.  You know, I have had this suspicion about Sesame Street and this confirms it.  What do you expect from a place where Bert and Ernie share a bed?  What do you expect from a place that caters to a crack addict like Elmo?

Karissa Shannon went through such great pain to feign shock that Vivid was releasing her sex tape.  These promo photos for the video weren't faked at all.  I feel bad for Karissa.  She stripped herself of her privacy and dignity when someone named Karissa Shannon needing a boost to her career dropped off a sex tape featuring Karissa Shannon off at the Vivid headquarters.  I'll let you find the still photos from the tape on your own.

An author of a new book about the secret gay lifestyle in Hollywood claims that he has enough material to write an entire book about John Travolta.  Who cares whether or not he's gay?  What I'm concerned with is that he hasn't made a good movie since Battlefield Earth.  You know, that's what the Church of Scientology aka Tom Cruise's little black book, teaches about the end of the earth.

England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh, appears to have given up on her goal to become England's finest rose and weight lifter.  She now appears to be a tattoo aficionado.  England really needs to put up a protective glass shell around her to preserve their national treasure and maintain public safety.  She looks like the after in a meth ad.

Joan Jett turned 52 this week.  I only post this photo because I love her bra.  I need to find a girl who will let me buy her a door knocker bra and then constantly do knock-knock jokes.  The punchline would all involve motorboating.

Janice Dickinson was posing for the paparazzi in London this week.  Her posing has given me enough motivation to do another Ramadan fast.

84 year old Hugh Hefner is now dating 21 year old Jenna Bentley.  You know she was born before he hit the retirement age of 65 because if she was born after he turned 65 that'd be totally weird.

Hillary Clinton rocked the hair clip this week.  She totally pulled that out of a Dollar Tree fashion bin.  I know, because that's where I get my fashion stuff.  Seriously, the cologne is a dollar and it's usually made by subsidiaries of the companies that produce the name brand stuff.  Anyway, I like it when my politicians wear their hear like a former girlfriend who was about to clean my oven.  That's not code for anything.  One of my former girlfriends had a thing for cleaning ovens.  I think she liked huffing.

Florence Henderson did this on Dancing with the Stars.  If only Mrs. Brady did that back in the day.  I would have been a huge Brady Bunch fan.  I think I am going to skip this season of DWTS.

Here's something for the ladies and Tom Cruise.  David Beckham took off his shirt after a soccer victory.  I bet that dead end treasure trail does it for you, right?  I know it gets the hookers worked up.  A high class hooker has come forward and said that David paid her for sex.  She says that he paid her $10,000 and they had sex for 15 minutes.  So much for that rumor about soccer players having great stamina.  She also claims that he pleasured himself using a perfumed lotion from the hotel but since it was perfumed it burned.  No, the only thing that burned him was your nasty hooker hot pocket.  I don't know if I believe the story.  David probably gets more solicitations for sex than a teenager at R Kelly's house and he has the church of Scientology aka Tom Cruise's little black book. 

Courtney Love is looking pretty decent but then maybe she's just pulling back her weave so she can suck off a hobo for a roll of Lifesavers because, hey, THIS IS COURTNEY LOVE!  Remember the Charlie Brown character Pig Pen?  That is totally Courtney.

Former pro-wrestler and 2008 graduate of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, Chyna, overdosed on Benadryl.  Apparently she took five times the recommended dosage.  I was thinking that Chyna was a lightweight because back in my football playing days we'd take sudafed before games.  It was nothing for me to take a full sheet.  I don't remember why we did that.  It was probably because some pros were doing that.  Either way, I'd still let her bodyslam me.

This is Charlie Hunnam.  He's on Sons of Anarchy.  After seeing this cover, I think he no longer fits into that biker gang.  How many outlaw bikers do you know that butter themselves up and appear on the cover of a fitness magazine?  The answer is none.  My view of that biker show has been change but then I go to extreme lengths for my female readers.  I love you guys.

Since Lindsay Lohan's fashion line, 6126,  can't get an actual model to pose for her clothes, they hired Lindsay's sister, Ali, to model.  I wonder if people will buy those clothes.

Jennifer Lopez wanted to throw a birthday party for her husband this week at an exclusive restaurant in New York City but the place was already booked by Calvin Klein.  She wound up having the party at another place but demanded the first restaurant make their special biscuits.  Is it me or is that a bit demanding?  Those biscuits must contain some secret ingredient that makes her maintain that luscious ass.  Oh, that's right, the secret ingredient to maintain a big butt is called trans fat.

The judges for the next season of American Idol will be...hey, if you read these posts you knew this weeks ago.  It was Hollywood's worst kept secret.  I think this will be a really long season.  I have demands of this show.  Randy Jackson must use the words "pitchy" and "dog" in every sentence and every sentence must begin with the word "yo".  What?  He already does that?  Then I demand Steven Tyler do something shocking because he's a rock star, something like drinking the blood of a virgin contestant or summoning the spirit of GG Allin to show us what a concert is all about.  JLo better bust some stools with dat ass...see what I did there?  Oh and my final demand...this has to be the last season of American Idol.

I think Justin Bieber got lost while trying to find the ball pit and somehow ended up posing for photos at Hooters.  Good thing Hooters has a kids menu otherwise Justin would have been a sad little boy.  Actually he may not be a boy much longer.  Posing with Hooters waitresses has to be another rung up the old puberty ladder.  Soon his voice will be breaking when he's singing and they'll have to make all his songs about changing and then he'll win the talent show...dang, two Brady Bunch references in one post, I need help.

Video Section:
This is that Katy Perry video that Sesame Street booted.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I am thinking of partaking of Notsoberfest, I mean Oktoberfest.  Oh and that facebook thing...I may be serious.