You know, I think they are going to move the White House to Wisconsin because it seems that Obama has been spending more time in Wisconsin than in Washington D.C.  I guess that is to be expected since they call this area "God's country" and he is from Illinois and it seems like people from Illinois spend more time in Wisconsin than in Illinois.

When Kellis sang, "My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard."  I wonder if that included the lactose intolerant.

Dyslexic girls are KO with me.

You know this may sound sexist but I think when God made women he intended them to be cooks.  Why else would he put eggs and milk inside them?

If Nicolas Sparks writes one more romance novel it will probably be about the time my foot romantically kicked him in the genitals.

I'm only five pounds away from my goal...of having $8 worth of British currency.

If a woman who works at a 7-11 gives you a STD, would it be slurpees?

Sex advice from someone who's not an expert: Ladies, want to do something your man will remember this fall?  Shut your mouth.  You know why blind dates are the best?  If the date goes bad they can't see you walking out on the bill.  Guys, the best girls you can date are Jamaicans because they will jerk any meat you have.  An ex once told me that the easiest way to take the fun out of spanking was to enjoy it.  Ladies, the real way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, it's through your chest.  Ladies, little white lies never hurt anyone so try saying "last night was great" or "you're huge" more often.  If you have a complete stranger sleeping next to you in bed and want them to get out, call the police on them.  Guys, remember the quickest way to get a girl to drop her panties is to scare her while she is folding her underwear.  Also try reverse psychology, "Why no, I don't like oral sex." "No I don't want to see your boobs"  1.1 million people aged 20-25 in America have never had sex and about 700 of them take my sex advice.

I've figured out the best way to cure my ADD.  I'm going to buy a Ford Focus.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Whenever someone says, "A vasectomy is an easy procedure," it is always a woman.

People consider it expensive living in certain cities but they have to realize they are paying for a free trip around the sun every year.

Why is Charlies short for Charles when they have the same amount of letters?

Excuse me while I check my watch...yep, I'm still awesome