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It's Caturday

Spread the word, my minions.



He'll keep your secret that you find him adorable.



He has his cheeseburger now.

I'll make you an offer you can't refuse so post your cats.



This cat is awesome.  He has the word "cat" in his fur.  One of my cats has a goatee and the other has a spot shaped like Africa.

Oh what a fun day.  I ended up going with my aunt to the hospital because she needed surgery on her knee.  She tore her ACL and meniscus.  I think her days of playing in the NFL are over.  I was sitting in a waiting room and I see this girl sit down.  She has a toddler child who appears to be under 2 years old and she has an infant daughter who I later learned was 10 days old.  She started talking to another young girl with a 3 month old baby.  The 15 year old girl said that she wanted to get on the MTV show about teen moms.  I wonder if she purposely got knocked up to get on that show.  What the fuck?  Isn't it great to know that there are kids that young getting more sex than you? Oh well, quality over quantity...some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

Will.I.Am dressed up for MTV's Video Music Awards last weekend.  He decided to go in black-face and of course this ignited a Twitter war.  Listen to some of these tweets: "Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!"  "Anyone notice that Will.i.am painted himself in blackface? I sure hope there's some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that."  "Will.i.am just sent us back 1,000 yrs... Really sir, #Blackface in front the grey ppl!"  Will.I.Am went on Twitter and said "Are you guys serious? my outfit set "black people back 100 yrs" choose your twits wisely. no education sets people back, no jobs, bad health"  If people want to be offended, they should be claiming that Mr. Am did not give credit where credit is due for his look.  Come on, he totally ripped of Max Headroom.

Vince Neil was interviewed by Hustler magazine, such a fine publication...I remember when my dad used to get that and left it lying around the house.  Hustler had such unique articles and pictorials.  I think maybe it was my dad's way of talking to me about sex.  Anyway Vince was talking to Hustler about how he and his bandmates would cover up the smell of skank puss on their dicks.  After they would have sex with groupies in the recording studio, they would hop in Tommy Lee's van and head to a burrito joint.  They would order egg burritos and then rub the burritos all over their genitals so instead of smelling like infected vagina, their penises reeked of eggs and to get off the hook they would tell their significant others that they just dropped a burrito in their lap.  Vince also admitted that they never thought of going to a bathroom and washing off their dicks with water.  See, this is why we need the federal government establishing courses for men to learn how to wash their genitals.  The saddest part is that when I first heard this story all I could think about was all the wasted food.

Victoria Silverstedt was photographed doing her morning stretches.  The former Playmate needs to stay in shape so businessmen in Dubai will continue to pay her $30,000 a day for her escort services.  Yeah, she does that.  Her resume for applying to be a prostitute is about as big of shoe-in as it would be for Abe Lincoln running for PTA president.  Victoria is the epitome of Swedish elegance which in some circles is synonymous with "whorish".

Tila Tequila went to a celebrity women's retreat where basically all they do is get free stuff.  While arriving for the retreat she took a time out to pose for photos and couldn't resist sticking something in her mouth to simulate a blowjob.  She is so classy!  Then I took a look at what she was sticking in her mouth.  Yes, that's a vibrator.  Stay classy, Tila...stay classy!

Hey, what's the situation with Dancing with the Stars and The Situation?  Seriously, someone needs to shoot me for that one.  I guess this is a perfect look for him because he'll probably be stripping in five years and in ten years he'll be letting guys perform the Cleveland Steamer on him.  Apparently he is also ignoring his Jersey Shore castmates since he joined DWTS.  WOW...I NEVER SAW THAT ONE COMING! 

Salma Hayek was photographed taking her daughter to school this week.  If I was the teacher, I would schedule a parent/teacher conference after school every day of the school year because I love breasts...BOOBS!

Sasha Baron Cohen, best known for his role as Borat, is in talks to star as Freddie Mercury in a biopic about the band Queen.  Queen has already licensed their music for the movie.  I hope that they get Cohen to lip-synch since there is no way to replicate the perfection that is Freddie Mercury's singing voice.  I have mixed emotions about this.  It could be like dating a girl who works at a brewery who brings me home free beer every night and she adores me while I adore the beer.  It could also be as disappointing as not being able to find a condom or a sandwich bag when you want to make love to your significant other.

Ladies have told me they dug Ryan Reynolds so here he is.  GQ really doesn't know how to sell magazines.  They should have him shirtless because that would sell more copies than usual but what do I know?  I'm completely straight.

Look at Johnny Depp.  He really wants one of Keith Richards' delicious, relaxing, cancer sticks.  Oh they look so tasty.  See I only tease because Johnny just quit.  Keith and Johnny were spotted out on the town after taking a break from filming Pirates of the Caribbean 4.  They really do look alike.

Here's another Rolling Stone doing something mundane.  Oh the mundane thing is walking on a beach not his new girlfriend.  That is Ronnie Wood's girlfriend Ana Araujo.  She is one third his age.  This gives me hope.  I just have to get rich, famous, and become a world renown musician.  Oh wait...if I dated a girl who was one third my age I would be locked up in the slammer for life.

I am glad I never took Owen Wilson up on his offer to go golfing.  He looks like such a pleasant golf buddy.  And don't ask, because there isn't any uncensored photos of him...sickos.

Because Octomom is no longer relevant and TV networks won't develop any reality series around her, she's doing the obvious...going on welfare.  I guess her 15 minutes of fame are up and those 14 kids still need to eat.  Maybe she should write a book...wait, she did and the publishers didn't like that it was written in crayon and crazy.  Hmmm what other options are there?  What's that?  PORN?  A few months ago Vivid Entertainment offered her $1million.  Some are saying that she approached the company to find out how much they would pay her now because she is in dire straits and may have her home foreclosed.  Now they are offering her $500,000.  She will only have to work for one hour.   She won't take the offer.  She would rather fuck taxpayers than be fucked on camera. 

Despite all the rumors of Miley Cyrus breaking up with Liam Hemsworth, they were spotted sucking face in her car this week.  Hmmm maybe they are broken and Miley is trying to introduce the Disney pre-teen crowd to the joys of the FWB.  Oh and remember, she's 17 and she's forgetful so that is why she wears see-through shirts.

Matt LeBlanc was spotted outside a club in his car smoking a joint.  You know, I think that is the first hit LeBlanc has had since Friends went off the air.

Mario Lopez's A.C. Slater's girlfriend, Courtney Mazza, gave birth to a daughter this week.  They named her Gia Francesca Lopez.  Gia was a little early and Mario has had to rush to put together the baby sized tanning crib he ordered for her.  Also, since he made Courtney go on a strict diet and workout routine to date him, he has put the baby on a strict diet and workout regime.  That baby will have to lose her baby fat by the time she hits two months old otherwise she may find herself out on the street.  And somewhere Jessie Spano is calling Slater a pig.

I don't think Vanessa Hudgens will be too happy with her boyfriend after she sees this photo of Zac Efron.  OH MY GAWD HE'S FLEXING!  What a choad!  You know he could have taken those two back to his hotel room and had a threesome but instead he went back and lit some scented candles and drew a bath.  What?  Sometimes guys like to bathe and smell scented candles.

And since everyone else has chimed in about Lady Gaga's meat dress, so will I.  PETA was pretty upset that she pulled this stunt.  They ask if she will butcher the family cat to make a hat next.  Lady Gaga is the type of person that will stick an infant on a pike if it meant that her photo would be taken.  I still can't get over a dress made of meat.  Wait a second!  I'm not a big city fashion expert but I do know dresses aren't supposed to be made of meat.  Didn't someone tell her before she left for the show?  I bet when she found out she was wearing meat she got embarrassed.  Oh and now she can say she's not only rich with money but rich in protein.

In a London newspaper, The Sunday Times, Camille Paglia had this to say about Gaga: "She constantly touts her symbiotic bond with her fans, the “little monsters”, who she inspires to “love themselves” as if they are damaged goods in need of her therapeutic repair. “You’re a superstar, no matter who you are!” She earnestly tells them from the stage, while their cash ends up in her pockets. She told a magazine with messianic fervour: “I love my fans more than any artist who has ever lived.” She claims to have changed the lives of the disabled, thrilled by her jewelled parody crutches in the Paparazzi video.  Furthermore, despite showing acres of pallid flesh in the fetish-bondage garb of urban prostitution, Gaga isn’t sexy at all – she’s like a gangly marionette or plasticised android. How could a figure so calculated and artificial, so clinical and strangely antiseptic, so stripped of genuine eroticism have become the icon of her generation? Can it be that Gaga represents the exhausted end of the sexual revolution? In Gaga’s manic miming of persona after persona, over-conceptualised and claustrophobic, we may have reached the limit of an era…"  Oh snap...Lady Gaga done got told!  This week I was working in my yard and I had my radio on and some Lady Gaga was playing.  This young lady heard it and said, "Fuck yeah!  Lady Gaga!  Little monsters!"  I asked, "Why do you like Lady Gaga so much?"  She replied, "Cuz she don't give a fuck and she don't care what society says and she plays by her rules and she does what she wants.  Fuck the haters."  I quipped, "You just described a child molester."  She fumed, "Haters gonna hate!"

Lady Gaga is suing the company that produced this sex doll.  Come on, Gaga, you should be happy.  You sort of look like Amy Winehouse's slightly more attractive sister.  You aren't attractive, you wear meat dresses, the lyrics of your songs sound like the poetry found in a Highlights magazine, and you have an unbearable sense of self-worth.  They should be giving these away with a complimentary bottle of lighter fluid.  Haters gonna hate.

Wow, is it me or does it look like Kim Kardashian injects Botox into her nipples?  Nothing about her is real...except her ice cream cone eating skills.

Kim really does leave me wishing I was an ice cream cone.  Hmmm am I the only one shocked that she's sucking on a vanilla one?  She is an ice cream cone goddess.  That is so impressive.  I wonder if actresses in the golden era of Hollywood did that.  Could Audrey Hepburn get an ice cream cone like that down her throat?  Maybe not but I hear Cary Grant could.

A sex doll that is a parody of Kim Kardashian as released this week.  Just read some of the features.  I bet the writer was hired for his subtlety and I bet the writer is also in 9th grade.

Oh Keri Russell Felicity you look so good.  It's odd how you don't find out how attractive a woman is until you see her naked.  All I hope is that she doesn't cut her hair.  WTF was that about?  I can't believe that hair cut almost cut her career short.

The Moonman at the VMAs tried to get a handful of Katy Perry.  Odd...I always thought the Moonman, much like the award show, was gay.

An insider at Vivid Entertainment claims that the Karissa Shannon sextape is the most extreme celebrity sextape the world has ever seen.  He talked about whips, chains, handcuffs, and extreme positions.  Well that sounds like a typical Tuesday in my house although I think my place is more extreme because I force tied-up girls to watch Dane Cook movies and anything featuring Kate Gosslein.  I'm pretty sure forcing someone to watch Dane Cook and Kate Gosslein violates the Geneva Convention.  Oh and Karissa's lawyer plans to fight Vivid so the tape will never be released.  Come on, Karissa, you spread your legs for an 84 year old man.  Don't act like you are royalty.  You will probably give this tape away as Christmas presents and each DVD will contain a handwritten note that says, "The first five minutes are just us talking so you should probably fast forward".

Hmmm is it me or does Justin Timberlake seem extremely comfortable shoving cylindrical objects down his throat?

Casey Affleck admitted the obvious this week and said that the documentary featuring Joaquin Phoenix retiring from acting to pursue a rap career look like a hobo was all an act.  Oh...I feel so betrayed.  Casey claims that 99% of the film is fake and that includes that interview with Letterman.  Actually Dave wasn't in on the act but it was all Joaquin being fake.  There is also a scene that is supposedly from Joaquin's childhood.  That was fake and the people were all actors.  Casey also claims that he never intended to trick anyone.  So I guess this means I can act like a dick, quit bathing, grow a hobo beard, hire hookers, take a dump on a hooker, take a dump on my friends, and do line after line of sweet, sweet coke and then when people call me on it, I'll just say, "I was acting!"

Jennifer Tilly turned 52 this week.  I know I used this photo last year to announce her birthday.  I swear this is the hottest non-porn photo I have ever seen.  It combines three of my favorite things...boobs and poker.

Jason Biggs' wife posted this photo of him sans clothes on her facebook this week.  Hopefully it will get him some work other than an American Pie movie.  Has he done anything since American Pie?  Too bad the photo was immediately taken down.  I don't know which is the most disturbing thing about this photo, the visible phone charger, all the hair, or that he is completely naked except for his boots.

I really hate this guy.  Jamie Oliver is a piece of crap.  How dare he come to America and tell us how to eat and feed our children when he can't even give his children decent names!  His wife gave birth to their fourth child this week.  Jamie and his wife Jools named him, get this, Buddy Bear Maurice Oliver.  WTF?  Do they watch cartoons while smoking weed?  Now don't think they just named their son a strange name because their daughters have equally impressive names...Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela, and Poppy Honey Rosie.  Seriously, they read old children's books while they are stoned.  I bet Buddy Bear Maurice will have a fun time on the playground when he gets to school.

Heidi Montag is still having fun in Costa Rica.  Her top almost fell off.  I guess that is what you get for wearing a DD top which is for those small breasted women...duh.  I think it's time for her to switch to a one piece or get a bigger top.  Oh and here's another novel idea, lose the implants.

Gerard Depardieu claims that while he and Robert DeNiro were working on the movie 1900, Gerard gave him a secret that absolutely disgusts yet intrigues me.  He says that for one scene, Robert was required to have an erection however while filming Robert could not achieve one and being a master to his craft DeNiro refused to wear a prosthetic.  Gerard suggested applying a mixture that involves water and Tiger Balm.  Maybe Bobby couldn't get it up because he had to look at Gerard but that might not be the thing to say because Gerard may have been considered a looker back in 1977.  Hmmm...I think Gerard Depardieu spreads that mixture all over his face every night before bed time.

George Michael was sentenced to 8 weeks in the pokey for DUI and loss of his license.  He was smoking the sticky icky and got caught with it so now George will have to find out why Wham! is such a popular band in prison.  I think this means he will have to sing "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" to his cellmate every night in the slammer.  The funny thing is, 8 weeks in a confined space with rough and smelly men is a vacation for George.

Freida Pinto took time out of her life to pose for GQ.  She posed with pomegranates.  And that is why I love pomegranates...must...eat...more...

Elvira turned 59 this week.  Hmmm I didn't know vampires celebrated birthdays.  Do you even know her real name?  Does it matter?

Dita Von Teese was in Australia this week promoting the liquor Cointreau.  Oh my gawd...I am going to get my butt to the liquor store tomorrow and buy some Cointreau.  What can I say, sex sells.  fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

Wow...Courtney Love looks...decent?  Actually she looks more like a homeless fashion model giving the international symbol for cunnilingus.  Actually, by Courtney's standards this is somewhat glamorous but too bad it's at the beginning of the night and not the end.  By the end of the night, Courtney will look like her old-self.

You know...I've missed Coco.  She posted this lovely photo on her Twitter and her website this week.  Coco, where is your thong?  I am going to have to find it with my teeth.

Christina Hendricks broke my heart this week when she said that she would never pose nude.  I feel so let down.  Please show me boobs...anyone...please.  Maybe Christina is afraid that they won't be perky enough.  Quick...someone get Hogwarts on the phone and have them begin work on an anti-gravity spell.  PLEASE...BOOBS!

This is Britney Haynes.  She was a contestant on the Big Brother reality contest. Well the night of the finale, Britney's home in Arkansas burnt down.  They are saying it was burnt down because of a faulty grill.  Yeah...a faulty grill.  She just got pissed that she was played from day one.  Honestly, she should have burned down the Big Brother house. That show was so boring this season and they constantly had to show the most annoying person in reality TV history.

Ummm Andy...Mr. Dick...that's a microphone.  We need it to pick up sounds.  You did what with it?  Well you can keep it.

Wow...Ali Larter is so pregnant, her nipples look like they are pregnant.  She was on the Jimmy Fallon show recently and he asked what she was expecting.  She said that she was having a little boy and that she was excited to have a little penis inside her.  Jimmy Fallon said, "That's what she said."  Wow, Fallon is funny because THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID! 

Lindsay Lohan is in talks to host an episode of Saturday Night Live.  This is just great.  Just when she may have lost the sense of entitlement and realized actions have consequences, this job falls in her lap.  Thank you, Lorne Michaels.  Oh and thank you for never giving me a shot on your crappy TV show.  I could have been somewhat funny...better than most of what you currently offer.  Oh and word on the street is that Lindsay may be heading back to jail because she has failed numerous drug tests.  Multiple tests have come back positive.  TMZ only knows that one tested positive for cocaine but the others haven't been revealed.  I wonder what Lindsay's excuse will be.  Hmmm I think the "I thought I was snorting aspirin" excuse has been used.  This time expect her to say that one night while she was sleeping someone drugged her and threw her into a bathtub full of ice and then surgically removed her bladder and replaced it with a bladder that was filled with tainted urine.  Yep...that's the ticket.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Here is another tattoo post.  This one doesn't contain tattoos as naughty as the ones I posted last week.  It's a dark and dreary day here in Wisconsin so I thought tattoo failures would cheer me up.

Tattoo Idea #748 that Women Should Avoid...vaginas.  I would also avoid that because what this girl is doing is pretty much all I would do to a vagina tattoo.

My sentiments exactly.  Oooohhh Deborah...how can that douche bag nail a woman as hot as Patricia Heaton.  Hell, she had her belly button removed so she has to be a freak in the sack.  ARGH!  I hate that guy.

Something seems off about this tattoo.  Oh I get it!  It's supposed to be like that painting by Michelangelo.  Too bad the tattoo artist didn't quite capture the coloring behind Adam.  Everything else is spot on.

When his fat jiggles, it looks like it's animated.

Hmmm that is a tattoo one could be proud of. 

You know when people say that we should never forget 9/11, some people should forget it and this douche bag is one of those people.

LOL...his nipple's pierced.

Enough said.

No...I am going to juge your horrible spelling.

The other side says, "Apostrophes and Grammar is for Pussies".

Hey...when did Sarah Palin get a tramp-stamp?

There's something fishy about this tattoo.  I won't put my fingers on it because that would be a sin.

Truly...the unhappy kingdom.

Ummmm...keep that off my lawn.

I hope the devil made you get that tattoo.

You are a fool for getting an Antoine Dodson tattoo.

After a long absence Cocky and I are back.  In case you don't remember, my cock is my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  He's feisty and he's Scottish and he is ready to unload his wisdom all over the place.

Me:  Cocky, how have you been.
Cocky:  Pretty tired.
Me:  How so?
Cocky:  Well I haven't felt like getting up lately.  No matter how much you would push or pull on me, I just wanted to lay down and be lifeless.
Me:  And now you are feeling better?
Cocky:  Hell yeah, I am on some new medicine that has me darting up every morning without that lifeless feeling.
Me: What's your medicine?
Cocky:  Viagra.

Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep being proactive on this totally outrageous paradigm.

There's your warning.

So the primary results are in for Wisconsin.  It will be the guy who claims he takes a brown paper bag lunch to work every day and promotes fiscal responsibility that while campaigning racked up a $500 restaurant bill for just him and his wife against the guy who got his ass kicked by a mugger.  In my congressional district it will be two guys that attend the same Lutheran church in La Crosse running against each other.  One recently used campaign money to pay back the city of La Crosse because they put in new lights in his baseball stadium and whose wife was fired from her job for stealing prescription pills and the guy other has the greatest name in all of politics...Kind.  I voted...I don't know why.  I voted for a candidate that held illegal campaign rallies out of state at my college.

Sex advice: If you want to get your partner to try anal, sing to them.  You sing "A Whole New World" from the movie Aladdin.  Trust me, I'm celibate.  People, chlamydia is not classy even if it is technically post-coitus applause...the clap?  If your wife begs you for expensive jewelery and says, "Every kiss begins with a K."  You remind her that so does every knuckle.  Ladies, saying "I'm late" is translated as "I think we should see other people" in man language.  Stay away from girls who call themselves maneaters, you may catch a tooth in the junk.  Are vegans allowed to swallow?  Sex with me is like a roller coaster, not because of the ups and downs but because you will have to vomit after we're finished.

You know, when I come across someone that actually does the sound "hee hee hee" when they laugh, I fear that I will be raped and/or murdered.  Oh and I've watched so many episodes of Law and Order: SVU that I think I would make a helluva lawyer or a murderer.

Dear Facebook, just wait for the day that your completely abandoned.  Yours truly, Myspace.

I was working out at the gym the other day and guess who should hop in the shower next to me?  It was none other than Tom Jones.  Now, there have been many rumors about the size of this guy's penis and that it was abnormally large.  Let's just say, it's not unusual.  That's for my mom.  You're welcome.  Don't you think it's time to get over your unhealthy obsession with Tom Jones?  Just because him and dad used to run cocaine in the Caribbean doesn't mean he's still in his prime.  Oh and I suppose you loved all those times when those two held all you can eat seafood buffets at gunpoint until they had their fill of scallops...ooops, I shouldn't air my family's dirty laundry.  Just disregard all of this.

I had a joke about abortion clinics and the music they play inside but even I thought it was distasteful so you know it was good.  If you have any ideas of songs they play at abortion clinics...leave me a comment.

The quickest way to look and feel thin is to befriend a lot of fat people.  I made a lot of people feel thin throughout my life.

Reggie Bush forfeited the Heisman trophy but he kept a trophy that is much more impressive, Kim Kardashian's thong.

And now...your weekly dose of motivation:

I always thought MNF stood for Monday Night Football.  It actually stands for Men Neglect Females.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but your hate posts on Xanga really test my insecurity issues.

Super Mario Brothers have been around for 25 years and they're still doing shrooms.

I find it odd that I have to turn on my computer to have my computer turn me on.

I really need to stop sipping Tullamore Dew while writing these.  I also think I should stop writing these in the manner that I do because Larry King's replacement has been chosen.  Larry let me down once again.  Good night.

Back in the 90s, I enjoyed rap.  I was a white kid in a small town so rap music was marketed for me.  I listened to most anything I could get my hands on.  Then my parents heard it and my dad was so upset and all he could get out was "I marched with Dr. King and was disowned by some of my family."  I think he stopped himself from saying anything that Bill Cosby has said.  His disgust made me make sure I never listened to rap in his presence except the one time I had a Dr. Dre song on a mixtape that I was playing in his Cadillac.  I fell asleep and was woken by his screaming because of the song "Bitches Ain't Shit".  Since my stupid youth I have grown out of rap but I still think of it.  Well I have been working on a master's thesis exploring the meaning behind rap lyrics*.  Anyway I have decided that I will translate Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic "Baby Got Back".  My study has yielded no results as to when Mr. Lot was knighted.

Rap: I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
LA face with Oakland booty

Translation: I enjoy large buttocks and I have to be perfectly honest as do you, my friends, that when a slender female with a large derriere walks in to a room, your eyes become transfixed and you become erect.  You also want to have sex because you see that behind tightly packaged in a pair of jeans that may be the wrong size.  I am addicted to large rear-ends and I can not stop looking and when I see buttocks that are pleasant I want to take the girl home and take her photograph.  My comrades tried to stop me from taking you home but that tush makes me desire sexual intercourse.  Well, Rumpelstiltskin, would you like to go for a ride in my Mercedes Benz?  You may use me for simple sexual gratification because you are not the average band follower.  I have seen your fanny while dancing which makes me not want to think of dating.  This particular girl is quite attractive and wet and her body is reminiscent of a turbo Corvette.  I do not agree with publications that say small fannies are desirable.  If you ask the average African American and ask him about his the type of buttocks he prefers on a mate he will tell you that his ideal woman would have a large hind-end.  Gentlemen? Gentlemen?  Does your girlfriend have an adequate hinney?  If she does then she should point it in an outwards direction and movie it about.  Females have nice buttocks.  This woman appears to have a beautiful face much like the women of Los Angeles but her buttocks are quite similar to the females located in Oakland, California.

Rap: I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

Translation: I enjoy buttocks that are round and large.  When I am participating in a musical concert, I may give in to my animalistic desires because I can not help myself when I see an above average bum.  This is a very scandalous idea but when I saw your large buttocks I would like to take you home and copulate quite possibly two times.  I do not enjoy the publication called Playboy because the females in that magazine are filled with silicone parts and this substance is used in the manufacturing of toys.  I like massive and succulent buttocks so when I find a pair of buttocks that meet my standards, I find myself in a bind because I will beseech the girl with the ample buttocks to have intercourse with me.  I sometimes find myself watching "rock and roll" music videos and see women that have knees that are abnormally close together and ankles that are spread far apart.  These specific women also amble as if they were women of loose morals.  Sir, you can keep these particular women and I will cache women who are like Florence Griffith-Joyner.  I will now take a moment to talk to the African American ladies with large buttocks, I would like to be close to you.  I will not strike you or use derogatory language in your presence but I have to be honest when I say that I would like to fornicate with you until the sun rises because you have all the correct features in my weltanshauung of females.   A lot of simpletons will not like my musical oratory because these delinquents would prefer it that they have relations with you and then depart.  Me, on the other hand, would love to stay more than one night so that we may cavort.  My penis is above average in length and I am above average in strength and sexual relations without condoms acceptable.  Ladies?  Ladies?  Would you like to go for a ride in my Mercedes Benz?  If you answered affirmatively to this question then thrust your buttocks in an outward motion.  Even Caucasian-American males will exclaim that you have an adequate backside.  Yes, when females are all compared the females in the publication Cosmo have nothing on you.  When they suggest the measurements of 36-24-36 it is only desirable if the female in question is 5'3".

Rap: So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

Translation: Your girlfriend may drive an automobile produced by Honda and does work-out routines featuring Jane Fonda however Ms. Fonda does not have an enticing buttocks.  My large penis does not want sexual relations with a woman unless she has an ample rear-end.  If you want to remain healthy do all the work-out routines that you want but please do not do routines that would make your buttocks disappear.  Some gentlemen would like to appear as if they were not pleasant and try to feign masculinity so they will say that your butt isn't good so they will have relations and disappear and I will drive in my Mercedes Benz to retrieve you in your heartbroken state.  The publication Cosmo says that women with large hind-ends are obese, now I strongly protest this accusation because I appreciate a slender waist and your contours are alluring.  Now I would like to talk about the skinny females in fashion magazines.  I am not attracted to these women.  I enjoy women that don't miss meals.  Some fool disliked that I extol the virtue of his girlfriend's buttocks but even though he was a fine gentlemen he chose to physically abuse her and then I will drive in Mercedes Benz to rescue the abused woman.  So, ladies, if your buttocks are bulbous and you would like to have coitus with yours truly dial the telephone number 1-900-649-2568 and divulge your mischievous thoughts.  Girl, you have an ample backside.

*I'm not.  Maybe this is why I'm never on the front page or it could be just another example of the man keeping me down.

Is there something out there that you are convinced you are the only person in the world that does it?

I always thought there were a few things that I did that only I did.  The first idiosyncrasy was crushed by Seinfeld.  I can't remember when this started but for as long as I have known, I take my shirt off to drop a deuce.  Then I saw George Costanza doing the same thing.  I felt weird about it but at least I never walked out of the bathroom without a shirt.  This is why I avoid public restrooms.  I have to have home field advantage for that action which sort of ties into my second idiosyncrasy.  I admire my handiwork.  After cleaning myself I stand up and look and then flush but this has just recently started because I have health issues.  I don't know if that is disturbing enough so I'll say it...I lose a lot of blood when I drop a deuce and the doctors haven't figured it out.  They think they get it figured out and then a test result comes back and it contradicts their diagnosis.  Anyway, I haven't been letting on about that but I have been seeing specialists at the UW hospital the past few weeks.  No one knows what is wrong with me and it's fucking scary.  This has been going on for a few years.  I get better and then it comes back worse than the previous time.  Anyway, I should probably stop there.

My third idiosyncrasy is that when I get warm at my house, instead of shedding my shirt, I ditch the pants.  Lately it's been the opposite.  I discovered a few pairs of my Zubaz pants from when I was in grade school.  They are a little tight and have a few holes in them but they are fun to wear around the house.

So do you have anything that you do that you think you are the only person in the world to do?

And I forgot, Saturday was Cat-Purr-Day

Yesterday I was down in Madison.  I'll tell you why in a later post.  I was thinking of doing a 9/11 post but I think it's better to offer some humor on this day.  As always, some images may not be safe for work and some may not be safe for life...NSFW and NSFL.

Here we see Tila Tequila driving her brand new Lamborghini.  Since when did they make Lamborghinis with booster seats? 

We all remember how Wyclef Jean said he wanted to run for president of Haiti and how he didn't make the ballot.  Well Sean Penn made some comments about how Wyclef isn't what the country needs and he also said that in all the time he was in Haiti for the past 6 months, Wyclef wasn't there.  Also one of Wyclef's former bandmates in The Fugees said that Wyclef wasn't qualified to be a president.  Now...Wyclef struck back.  He didn't say anything...he sang it.  He had a hit song a few years ago called "If I Was President" and he changed the lyrics to: "If I was president. I got a message for Sean Penn, maybe he ain't see me in Haiti cuz he was too busy sniffing cocaine. I got a message for Praswell, even though you don't want to support me, I got love for you. Even though you only kicked eight bars for the Fugees. If I was president."  Oh snap, they done got told.  I wonder if Sean choked on those words but honestly it's time for Wyclef to move on.  Maybe he should worry about those houses he had foreclosed.  He's just pouting because he was not allowed to run for president because you have to live in Haiti for 5 years prior to an election and he's been living in New Jersey of all places. 

Of course Sean Penn couldn't keep his mouth shut and move on...no, one of his publicists had this to say: "Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body's immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising."  Oh snap, he done got told.  I love how professional this sounds when Sean is a guy known for punching cameramen.  Also that part about depleting the body's immune system had me laughing.  Sean not only wants to deny the allegations but he also wants to do a public service announcement as to what drugs will do to a person.  I bet neither Sean nor Wyclef do drugs but their actions seem like they do.

Here's something for the ladies.  It's Taylor Hanson of the band, Hanson.  I heard some people commenting on this photo and that his bulge would make you MMM-Bop where it counts.  That song now has taken on a new meaning.  What the hell is up with his shirt?  Is Hanson trying to be the new Gallagher?  Speaking of whom, Gallagher is doing shows in Wisconsin for Harley gatherings.  If he smashes a watermelon on them, he's liable to get his head torn off and then smashed.  Make sure you bring a poncho.

There are reports that the world's most famous karaoke singer, Susan Boyle, fled Los Angeles in tears because Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing his song "Perfect Day" for the finale of America's Got Talent.  Lou said he's not a fan so he's not going to let her sing it.  Now this is just as upsetting to some people if he threw puppies in a river or kicked a kitten or stole candy from a blind child or tied a woman to train tracks.   Something isn't right about this.  I bet she got confused.  She didn't want to sing Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" but she wanted to sing Hoku's song titled "Perfect Day".  I think what would make for a perfect day is if they just banned all reality shows and we wiped our memories clear of any performer on those shows and go back to the way things were with no reality shows except MTV's True Life because I love that show when they have topics that don't involve New Jersey.

Ryan Phillippe turned 36 this week.  I have nothing else to say but sorry for that tattoo post.  So...yeah.

Speaking of tattoos...Rihanna better hope that isn't liquor in her cup because it may lead her to get a stupid tattoo.  Oh wait...a gun on her thigh?  She'll regret that when she's 60 and it's somewhere on her knee or calf.

Rich Cronin of the band LFO died this week at the age of 35.  A few years ago he was diagnosed with leukemia and his brother said that Rich suffered a stroke.  He will be missed.  I think to remember Rich and his contributions to the world of music, we should all don Ambercrombie and Fitch and rhyme random words because if we didn't then we'd all be nerds.  I can't believe that I just rhymed because I am not that primed.  Ugh...Rich will be missed and if you don't understand anything about this entry...watch this.

Paris Hilton is a very talented lady and she is very deep.  A former assistant to Joe Francis says that when he was working for Joe and when Joe was dating Paris, they were in Europe and Paris wanted to get some illegal substances to sneak back into the U.S.  The assistant went out and found her a variety of drugs.  He put them in a cigarette box.  One of these and not a carton.  Paris then took the box and went to the bathroom.  She came out and said that they would never find them where she hid them.  She really is a black hole.  That reminds me of a joke. A guy hired a prostitute because she claimed to have the world's largest vagina.  He thought this was too good to be true.  She stripped and he decided to check it out.  He slipped in a finger and then his hole hand. The hooker said he could get more in so he slipped in his other hand.  Soon he found both his arms up to the elbows inside of her.  She then said that he could go deeper.  He gets his whole body inside her and while he's inside he bumps into someone.  After his shock settles he asks the other guy what they should do to get out.  The other guy says "As soon as I find my car keys, we're driving out of here."

Pam Anderson is sponsoring a contest for a cell phone company where she will film a love scene with the "lucky" winner.  The guy who wins that contest better start getting all his shots and start receiving gamma radiation treatment on his penis.  I know they won't actually have sex but being anywhere near Pam Anderson in a bed is a good way to catch something. 

Let's play a new game on Celebrity Round Up.  It's called "Who's Morrissey offending this week?"  He was being interviewed by a London newspaper because of his animal rights activism.  Here's some of his nuggets.  About the Chinese: "Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies." Today's pop stars: "They have two or three melodies and they repeat them ad nauseum over the course of 28 albums."  People: "They are problems."  His pets: "Yes. Cats. I've had lots of cats. But also many bereavements."  Loneliness: "We're all lonely, but I'd rather be lonely by myself than with a long list of duties and obligations. I think that's why people kill themselves, really. Or at least that's why they think, 'Thank heaven for death.' " As soon as the interview was posted activist groups branded him a racist.  Of course Morrissey fired back: "If anyone has seen the horrific and unwatchable footage of the Chinese cat and dog trade — animals skinned alive — then they could not possibly argue in favor of China as a caring nation. There are no animal protection laws in China and this results in the worst animal abuse and cruelty on the planet. It is indefensible."  I really don't think Morrissey is a racist because he seems to hate all people not named Morrissey.  I'm pretty sure if he could live on a deserted island all by himself with his cats then there would be a lot of people packing his bags.

Miley Cyrus and Ashley Greene were filmed doing this in Paris.  I don't know what's going on entirely but they are wet and appear as if they are about to kiss.  Why are my pants getting tighter?

Michaele Salahi of the Real House Wives of Washington D.C. announced this week that she would be doing Playboy.  She also said she wouldn't be doing that artsy-fartsy celebrity spread that most celebritars do where they cover up the naughty bits.  No, Michaele is going full-frontal nude.  Hmm the words "attention whore" come to mind.  In other news, the world's top scientists, engineers, programmers, and witch doctors are working on an updated version of Photoshop to handle Playboy's new demands.

Mark Paul Gosselaar's wife of 13 years left him for Survivor host, Jeff Probst.  The only guy that Zack Morris should lose women to is A.C. Slater.  It just goes to show you that in Hollywood, if you're not in the spotlight, you're about as useless as a condom on Jersey Shore.  And this is just another reason why we need to get rid of reality TV.


These are still shots from the new movie Machete that feature Lindsay Lohan "topless" the entire time.  I should have known they would do this.  They could easily said that Lindsay would be a bookcase for the entire movie because that is about a truthful as her being topless.  See, I have loneliness issues.

People close to Lindsay Lohan are saying she is determined to have a baby.  They say Lindsay has said that a baby will make a perfect companion and help her get her life in order.  Lindsay's qualified to have hissy fits, seizures from drug abuse, and crushing debt but not a baby.  That would be the worst decision of all time.  Even worse than remaking Nightmare on Elm Street.  OK the worst decision of all time was letting Britney Spears have kids, this would be the second worst idea of all time.

Pregnancy really suits Lily Allen.  She is radiant.  The only thing I don't like is her dress.  It looks like something people would try to sell at the U.S./Mexico border.  Let's hope that she didn't pay the price on the tag and that she was able to haggle them down.  More than likely, she didn't pay a dime.

OH MY GAWD...LADY GAGA IS SO SHOCKING...yawn...She's trying to show off the old meat curtains but she's doing it wrong.  I hope she caught salmonella.

Kim Kardashian says she feels guilty about posing nude for Playboy.  Let me get this straight.  She is guilty about posing in somewhat tasteful nude photos yet she feels no shame about selling a tape featuring her boyfriend at the time, Ray J, ejaculating all over her face and mouth.  I think Kim is trying to turn over a new leaf.  Her next step is to go out and get a purity ring for her clitoris.

Kendra Wilkinson came out and said this week that Lawrence Fishburne needs to be supportive of his daughter Montana in her career choice to do porn movies.  I wonder why Kendra is saying these things.  I bet it has to do with her dad.  I wonder if he was supportive when she got implants, then posed nude, then dated and banged a 100 year old guy, and then released a sex tape from when she was 19.  Hmmm.

I love Katy Perry's latex dresses...good gawd.

People are claiming that the reason Kat Von D and Jesse James are together is because she is pregnant.  There are claims that she is sporting a baby bump...god I hate that term.  She is also telling anyone who'll listen that James is "the one".  So let's get this straight...a guy who's tabloid fodder, covered in tattoos, and more racist than Mel Gibson doesn't practice safe sex.  THE HELL YOU SAY!  I'm pretty sure this is what their baby will look like.

Guess what?  Just when we thought Karissa Shannon only had one sex tape in Vivid Entertainment's possession, another one was given to them.  They already have tape which features her and Heidi Montag that Karissa claims Spencer stole.  The new tape features her and Smallville's Sam Jones III.  Hmm this is odd...Vivid already has one tape and just magically another one appears.  What a coincidence!  It doesn't sound planned at all.

Jessica Simpson posted this photo on her Twitter with the comment: "I met a wonderful man and damn I'm lucky."  She's only considering herself lucky because she spotted some donut crumbs on his mouth.  Oh and Jessica was a judge on the Project Runway finale.  WTF?  Whenever I think of fashion and Jessica, I think of this.

James Franco has a new movie coming out called 127 Hours.  It's about the guy who was trapped under the boulder who, in order to free himself, cut off his arm.  There is a scene in the movie where when he has nothing better to do, he jacks off.  When the real life guy was asked if he did that, he neither confirmed nor denied.  James Franco is no prude.  He said that there are days where he likes to stay in bed and fap 4 or 5 times.  So what does this teach us?  If we ever come in contact with James Franco, never shake his hand.

Hugh Grant turned 50 this week.  There you go, ladies.  Actually you better not.  Even though he is so charming in all his movies, he has issues with cheating and buying hookers that may or may not have been men at one point in their life.

Hey, Holly Madison looks pretty classy.  She's begun laser treatments to remove her Playboy bunny tramp stamp.  Her next move to be classy is to look for a membership at a country club where she can play topless golf.

I don't watch The Tudors even though people suggest it because I am a history nerd and they always include episodes on my Dexter dvds.  Anyway, this is Henry Cavill.  He's on The Tudors.  I am still begging forgiveness for the tattoo post.

Thanks for the public service announcement, Heidi.  It looks like Heidi is contemplating squeezing those double whammies.  I think if I was a woman and I had flesh melons that are bigger than Justin Bieber's head, I'd be squeezing them too.  Oh and just a reminder, Heidi had her implants taken down to a normal size.  I think she's a 38 DD now because that's normal.

Denzel Washington had a $115,000 Range Rover delivered to his house because like most celebrities he can't 30 minutes out of his life to go to the actual dealership but they have to come to him.  I guess this is nothing new.  Roman Polanski used to have underage runaway girls delivered to his house.  And just recently Snookie had McDonald's delivered to her house.  No, not food from McDonald's but an actual McDonald's restaurant.  Business is booming.

Danica McKellar gave birth to a baby boy this week.  I can't get used to calling her Danica.  She will always be Winnie Cooper to me and I sort of like to think that the father is Kevin Arnold but he's not.  The father is some other math geek.  They named their son Draco Verta.  That is some straight up Harry Potter shit.  I'm surprised they didn't change their surname to Malfoy.  They claim that they used a name from a constellation but that has to be a lie.  Can't they just admit to geekiness?  Hell I'd name a child after some of my favorite literary characters.  Narrator Tyler Durdin...yep that has a great ring to it.  Maybe I could go with Holden Mr. Toad.  See, this is why I should not be allowed to have children.

This really isn't about Conan but I found this tweet to be incredibly funny.  That used futon ad would look like this: "18 year old futon for sale, covered or stained in the middle.  Will deliver to your home.  Cash only."  That takes on a whole new meaning.  If anyone wants an explanation, just ask.

Hey, look at Christina Hendricks.  I haven't noticed this because I've been staring at her breasts all this time but she has no legs.  Either that or the photoshoppers were distracted by those glorious mountains of flesh.  In August 1939, Hitler spoke to his generals that his original plan for 1939 had to "... establish an acceptable relationship with Poland in order to fight against the West" but since the Poles would not co-operate in setting up an "acceptable relationship" (i.e. becoming a German satellite), he believed he had no choice other than wiping Poland off the map.  Oh wait...I was distracted.

I think Chris Robinson is my new hero because he had the guts to say what I've been thinking and afraid to say for some time.  Chris had this to say about Taylor Swift: "I find it embarrassing that adults are like, 'Taylor Swift is very talented.' She's not. She might be cute, but she's horrible."  THANK YOU!  He went on to say this about other pop stars such as Miley, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha: "They have stylists who dress them, they make records with producers who play a chord into the computer and it all comes out the same...When you have computers doing it all for you...there's no individuality. Singing isn't always about being on key; it's about emotionality."  You can't argue with this guy because he is spot-on and he happens to look like Jesus if Jesus were a hippie who sang for The Black Crows.  I guess I am harsh on Taylor.  She is only 20 years old and Kanye did a number on her to ruin her ego but her lyrics sound like they were taken out of a 6th graders Lisa Frank folder where she keeps all her secret poetry.  All Chris forgot to add was that Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time.   I think Chris Robinson and Morrissey need to collaborate.

Ashlee Simpson took advantage of the free booze for celebrities at the U.S. Open and got drunk.  You know her dancing takes me back.  It takes me back to the days I was living in Minnesota and there would always be that group of drunk girls dancing with their arms in the air.  They would dance to Kid Rock or some random country song that I had no clue as to the singer.  And those girls would be dancing with their arms in the air while dirty truckers in smelly flannel throw peanut shells, spent pull tabs, and quarters at them.  I sometimes miss Minnesota.  Back to Ashlee...hey, sit down, you're at a tennis match, not a funeral.

Here's a shot on the set of filming of that movie based on the board game Battleship.  That's Alexander Skarsgaard in the uniform.  So they really are going through with that wreck of a movie.  Ugh...board games.  I guess Battleship isn't as bad as the Candyland movie that is in the works. Anyway...ladies when you look at the photo, do you hear "Up Where We Belong"?  I only thought of that because my mom loved that movie.  For some reason she loves Richard Gere and she loved one of his recent movies, Hachi, and I will admit that I liked it as well.  I wonder if I should ruin her thoughts about him and tell her about the gerbils.

Britney Spears is really trying hard to win the Worst Mom/Human in the World Award.  One of her former bodyguards is talking about his experiences as her employee.  He says she has no moral compass and is inept at life.  He says that she hits her children and not in a typical spanking fashion but slapping and striking.  One time she asked him for his belt and he gave it to her.  She then ran to the house screaming her children's names and then the bodyguard saw her hit the children with the belt. The bodyguard also says that she would have vigorous sex with her children in the room and she would summon people into her bedroom and ask to have her children come in the room while she was engaged in sexual relations.  He also talks about how Britney would feed her children crab meat and they are allergic to seafood.  The bodyguard saw that the children were having a reaction and were swelling up.  He suggested that they seek medical attention and Britney replied, "Mind your own fucking business."  I bet 30 years from now there will be an updated Mommie Dearest movie and it will be about Britney.  The reason why this bodyguard is divulging is because he is suing Britney for sexual harassment.  He claims that she would summon him to her room and she would be standing in lingerie.  He would remain silent and then Britney would expose herself...Dear Penthouse Letters...honestly, that's probably just my epic dry spell talking.  Another time he says she summoned him to her room where she was exposing herself and when he didn't make an advance, she the got up and asked him to bring her 7-Up.  Yep, 7-Up is WAY better than sex.  Remember that Britney still has no control on her life.  Her dad is still in charge of everything because a judge ruled that Jamie Spears is more responsible managing Britney's life than Britney is.  Why is Britney allowed to interact with actual human beings?

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I bought a Koran yesterday.  The guy at the counter gave me an odd luck.  Apparently guys who haven't shaved in a couple of days, wear Dukes of Hazard t-shirts, and sport a FDNY baseball hat look like they might be the type of person that would burn a Koran.

Well I succumbed to peer pressure.  I have been debating about doing this post for some time.  I have posted naughty tattoos in the past but that was when I had 2 or 3 readers on Xanga.  Things have changed in the 5 years I've been here.  The hell with it...here goes.  You've been warned.

Why do I feel like going out and collecting butterflies?

You know this is for the ladies but I think this would scare the ladies.

Oh the infamous butthole tattoo that uses the belly button.  I don't understand how someone could go through with this.  It is pretty pathetic and the cow looks like it has been milked dry.  People are strange.

This is just too scary for even me.

I have always enjoyed the Loony Tunes but this may be a bit much.

I think I am going to rush out and get this done.

When I first saw this one all I could think of  was "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz."  I'd love to be in the Emerald City.

So if you thought I was going for a fish joke here, you're not as mature as I am.

Hello....kitty.

I think I'd rather take dishonor

I enjoy cunnilingus more than the average guy so there's no need to beg.

I need to buy the Cliff's Notes for that story.

I'm in love.

This one scares me because I'm afraid after going there, I'll burn.

Ummm...melt in my mouth?

How sweet!

Now that's the type of girl you take home to meet mom and dad.

And it's furry....

Well...it has good coloring.