We're going to play a little game.  If you laugh, you lose.  It's as simple as that.  PREPARE TO LOSE!

What sort of doctor are you?  HELP ME!

That IS what she said.

I once worked for a taco.

mmmm chicken.

What else could it be?

Science has become so easy since the Juggalo Theory was introduced to the world this summer.

Hey, it's a bidickle.

OH NO!  Not only is he invading our dreams, but now it seems he's invaded our viral videos.

OH NO!  Not only is he invading our dreams and viral videos, but now it seems he's invaded our politics.

OH NO!  Not only is he invading our dreams, viral videos, and politics, but now it seems he's invaded our classic album covers.

OH NO!  Not only has he invaded our dreams, viral videos, politics, and classic album covers but he's also invaded our Polands.

Imperialism is so cute.

In Braunau in Austria born and raised, in Vienna was where I spent most of my days, Chillin out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and thinking of ways to annihilate the Jews, when a couple of kikes, who were up to no good started raising loans in my neighborhood, I set up one little camp and Russia got scared, they said ‘if you invade Poland can we at least share?'  I whistled for my car and when it came near the license plate said "fuhrer" and Eva Braun was in the rear.  In germany fucking your own cousin was rare, but i thought "nah forget it," yo home to Berlin!  I caught millions of jews, about 7 or 8, and i yelled to hymies "yo holmes, smell ya later".  I shipped em to camps, when they were finally there, I took em all out, with some gas in the air.

Little known Hitler fact:  He shredded that axe.

Is it too soon?

Because a TV sitcom set in a Nazi P.O.W. camp is HILARIOUS!

Did you buy one yet?  I bet the next step is take a page out of Hitler's game plan by burning copies of "On the Origins of Species".

Better go all in because you must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

My cat, Kiki, is such a slut.


Remember when I said I was working on a parade float?  This is the finished product.  We won first place in the religious entry competition and we won for best overall entry.  All those "flowers" are hand folded and made with tissue paper.  I don't even know how many I made.  There are at least 100 on each length and 50 on each width so just on the sides there are 300.  Plus with all the ones in the "flower pots" there would be another 100.  And then the "mountain" under the cross must have 200.  600?  Yeah that's a lot.  Oh and the local newspaper put a photo in the latest edition.  They didn't ask what it meant so they said the watering can was watering the garden of life.  My original thought was that God showers us with his love.  Oh well, we won two trophies.  I know, I know, I know...some of you are saying "RELIGION?  ARGH!"  Let me have it, please.  I won't force my beliefs on you.

I like to think this post was brilliant.

You know what's awesome?  Seeing that I have no friends on Xanga IM...oh maybe that isn't awesome but sad.  Just when I was feeling good about myself...ARGH!  I'm Charlie Fuckin' Brown.

I once lost a game at Wii tennis.  The person that beat my was such a braggart.  I got fed up and left.  I then went to the police and reported that he tried to sell me meth.  Ad victorem spolias, bitch.

MTV is going to start a new season of My BFF is Paris Hilton so Paris can find a new friend to to the rap for a coke possession charge.

This week Stephen Hawking said there is no God.  I was somewhat shocked but the more I thought about I figured it out, Stephen Hawking is just pissed at God and if there is anyone that should be pissed at God, it's Hawking.  Or maybe he just doesn't see the need for God since he runs on a car battery.

I once went to a 50s style diner in Minnesota and noticed Michael J Fox's photo on the wall beside the cash register.  I asked if he enjoyed the shakes.  They kicked me out.

I've been thinking of Xanga fights.  Xanga fights are like dry humping; they cause a lot of friction but nothing happens.  Xanga fights are like two Beta fish fighting each other in separate bowls.  Xanga fights are like gun battles with empty water pistols.  Xanga fights are like two blind men having a staring contest.  Oh and if you don't agree with me, I'll fight you.

Samuel L. Jackson should endorse Rosetta Stone or at least his character from Pulp Fiction should..."English?  Do you speak it, motherfucker? No?  Let Rosetta Stone help."

Farts sometimes just don't make scents. "Fart" is really (F)inding (A) (R)eason (T)oLIVE! Fart your life away, my people.

Want to let your significant other know you love them?  Leave a love letter on the dirty dishes.  Ladies, are you tired of men staring at your breasts when you try to talk to them?  Well, grow breasts on your forehead.  Ladies, do you want a man to love you for who you are and respect you as a woman?  Date an ugly guy.  I am single.  Guys, do you want a girl that is unlike any other girl?  You should date a tranny.  Nerds, do you need a pick-up line? Try this: "Baby, you be the 2²+2 and I'll be the ( 5x1 )+ (4x1)."  Remember, anal sex is thinking outside the box. 

Your weekly dose of motivation:

A diamond is forever because the payments are forever.

If you are registering to vote for the first time make sure to tell them you're with the Lemon Party.

The fastest way to get into a girl's pants is to become a crossdresser.

I know you didn't like this post but you didn't have to look at me in that tone of voice.

A lot of people are getting pumped up for the NFL season and are compiling their favorite stars.  I thought I would join the craze but my team would be my favorite criminals of the National Football League.  I guess NFL players are aggressive because it's part of their job but too many are aggressive off the field.  I think my roster would be a pretty damn good team although we might not be able to play a full season because of suspensions.  I am truly amazed at how easy it was to create this team.

Offense
Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers, alleged multiple sexual assaults.  I was thinking of a good, quarterback that could start for my team and Big Ben was the first to come to mind.  You know he lured those women into the bathroom stalls by saying, "Hey, wanna find out why they call me Big Ben?"  I could have went with Art Schlichter but one criteria was "good" and then I could have went with Michael Vick but the other criteria was "quarterback"

Running Backs: O.J. Simpson, Buffalo Bills, alleged double murder, burglary.  No list can be complete without the juice.  If you don't understand why O.J. is on the list, listen to a Jay Leno monologue.  I'm pretty sure he does an O.J. joke once or twice a week.

Jamal Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, drug dealing.  He ran for 2000 yards like O.J. and then served time in prison like O.J.  I don't know which was worse, prison time for dealing cocaine or ending his career with the Cleveland Browns

Dishonorable Mention: Marshawn Lynch (DUI), Larry Johnson (domestic violence), and Lawrence Phillips (everything under the sun)

Wide Receivers: Donte Stallworth, Cleveland Browns, manslaughter, DUI.  Poor Donte.  He was drafted by the Saints and has played for New England, Philadelphia and Cleveland.  He got drunk and hit a pedestrian in a cross-walk in Miami.  He was suspended 4 games.  Michael Vick missed about 2 seasons for fighting dogs.  Hmmm.  Anyway, Stallworth now plays for the actual all-criminal team, the Baltimore Ravens

Rae Carruth, Carolina Panthers, murder.  Rae shot his 8 month pregnant girlfriend.  She called 911 and said what happened.  She slipped into a coma and died.  Luckily her child was saved and delivered via c-section.  Rae has 18 more years to go on his sentence.  I wonder how Roger Goddell will handle the suspension when Rae asks for reinstatement.

Dishonorable Mention: Plaxico Burgess (felony gun charges), Brandon Marshall (disorderly conduct, domestic violence), Matt Jones (cocaine possession), Santonio Holmes (disorderly conduct, marijuana possession)

Tight End: Mark Chmura, Green Bay Packers, sexual assault.  He tried to play Hot Tub Time Machine with the babysitter only she got younger.  There's a funny rumor about who the girl was...a daughter of a former Milwaukee Brewer.  Now Chewie can be heard on Madison's ESPN Radio covering football and calling high school games.  Ummmm...anyone else scared about that?

Dishonorable Mention: Daniel Graham (Harassment)

Tackles: Nick Kaczur, New England Patriots, illegal painkiller possession.  He's Canadian.  We should have seen this coming...just kidding just kidding.

Cornell Green, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic abuse.  After winning the Super Bowl with Tampa Bay, he beat his wife with a mop handle.  Maybe he was watching Toxic Aveneger.

Dishonorable Mention: Jamal Brown (domestic abuse and battery)

Guards: Nate Newton, Dallas Cowboys, drug possession.  In November of 2001, Nate was arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana.  5 weeks later he was arrested with 175 pounds of weed.  He is now a born-again Christian.  Here I thought he would have joined a Rastafarian community.

Todd Burger, Chicago Bears, horrible cliche.  Burger was arrested in part of an illegal gambling operation.  He was the enforcer and muscle for a group that was taking bets over the internet.  Who would have thought a washed-up former NFL player would be muscle for the mob?

Dishonorable Mention: Kareem Mackenzie (DUI), Chester Pitts (evading arrest in motor vehicle)

Center: Barrett Robbins, Oakland Raiders, attempted murder.  Barrett is probably best know for, just days before the Super Bowl, disappearing winding up in the hospital and being diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.  That was probably the most normal part of his off-field antics.  He was in a brawl and tried to kill someone but he was shot three times.  He has also been in and out of jail for substance abuse.

Dishonorable Mention: Jeremy Bridges (assault)

Defense
Defensive Ends: Leonard Little, St. Louis Rams, manslaughter, DWI.  In 1998, Little got behind the wheel of a vehicle while drunk and killed a woman in a car crash.  He served no jail time but was suspended 8 games.  Michael Vick spent nearly a year in prison for dog fighting...hmmmm.  In 2004, Little was arrested for DWI.  So every 6 years he likes to get behind the wheel so we better be careful out there.

Alonzo Spellman, Chicago Bears, disorderly conduct.  He battled bi-polar disorder.  I remember one instance when he went off his medicine and was spotted riding a bicycle down a Chicago freeway. He had his face painted and dyed his hair blonde.  He was on a flight and began screaming that the plane was going to crash.  What if he was right and he saved them because he forced the plane to land because of his behavior?

Dishonorable Mention: Terrell Suggs (aggravated assault), Shaun Ellis (marijuana possession, speeding, driving without insurance)

Defensive Tackle: Shaun Rogers, Detroit Lions, gun possession.  Apparently no one told Rogers that people can't bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo, box cutters, hammers, and loaded .45 handguns on planes.  Well he got busted for trying to bring the gun in his luggage.  In his defense, he was trying to leave Cleveland.

Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears, gun possession.  Is it any shock that a guy whose name is Tank is charged with gun possession?  They found a loaded handgun in his car at a nightclub.  While on probation he was charged with assault and resisting arrest.  Then police found 6 weapons in his home including 2 assault rifles.  They also found pot.  There is nothing...I repeat...NOTHING as exciting as getting high and shooting an AK47.

Linebackers: Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants, rape.  L.T. was an interesting player.  He would routinely send hookers to the hotels of the opposing team and he was a coke fiend.  This year he was arrested for rape of a minor.  He claims he paid this girl so he could masturbate in front of her.  Sadly, this isn't the most embarrassing moment of his life.  That would be his stint on Dancing with the Stars.

Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens, double murder, obstruction of justice.  Ray and two of his friends got in a fight with some other guys and those two guys were stabbed and died.  Ray had no clue who his friends were when questioned by the police.  Later on, he was sued by the family of one of the dead men.  For a guy who claimed his innocence he sure gave out a lot of money and signed quickly.

Leroy Hill, Seattle Seahawks, domestic violence, marijuana possession.  Last month Leroy was investigated for violence and his team ordered him to stay away from training camp and suspended him from a couple games this season.  This is why Seattle will never win a Super Bowl.  All Super Bowl teams need a crazy linebacker.  The Giants won a Super Bowl with Taylor and the Ravens won one with Ray Lewis and in the dishonorable mention Jonathon Vilma won with the Saints and Antonio Pierce won one with the Giants.

Dishonorable Mention: Jonathon Vilma (reckless driving), Antonio Pierce (animal neglect, charged but not indicted in the Plaxico Burress gun scandal)

Defensive Backs: Darryl Henley, L.A. Rams, drug trafficking.  While with the Rams, Henley was charged with drug trafficking.  In response, he hired contract killers to murder the trial judge as well as a key witness.  He got 41 years in prison which is over a 500 times longer sentence than Donte Stallworth received for actually killing someone.

Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans, being Pacman Jones.  This guy has to be the MVP of this team based on his sheer stupidity.  He is also the only member of this team that was a professional wrestler during an NFL suspension.  He also has served no jail time which is a shocker but then O.J. Simpson didn't spend any time in jail prior to 2008.  It's just a matter of time.

Jermaine Phillips, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, domestic assault.  Phillips won a Super Bowl in 2002 along with my tackle Cornell Green.  I guess winning the Super Bowl does weird things to people.

Donte Whitner, Buffalo Bills, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest.  He should also be guilty of being the biggest draft bust on this list.  He was at a party in Cleveland(what is with Cleveland) and the party broke out into a riot.  Whitner would not come quietly so the police had to Tase him.  That's probably the most electrifying moment in his career.

Dishonorable Mention: Ricky Manning Jr. (felony assault), Ko Simpson (obstruction), Deltha O'Neal (DWI)

Special Teams
Kicker: Jeff Reed, Pittsburgh Steelers, disorderly conduct.  Reed was in a bathroom at a Pittsburgh convenience store and was so upset that the paper towel dispenser had no towels in it, he ripped it out of the wall.  he was also arrested for public intoxication after a win in Cleveland (where else).   I guess you could classify his crimes as being "Jersey Shore".  Maybe Reed was trying to get his own reality show...Crazy in Cleveland.

Dishonorable Mention: Sebastian Janikowski (DUI, assault, vandalism)...I really wanted to put him at #1 but Reed had the Cleveland connection.

Punter: Todd Sauerbrun, Chicago Bears, DUI.  Sauerbrun was also charged with missing a court appearance but the craziest story in his off-field career is his link to a steroids investigation.  That's right, an NFL punter was possibly taking steroids.  I guess he wanted to be the most physically dominating player at the position that requires the least amount of physical strength in the NFL.

my prediction: packers go undefeated and Rodgers is MVP with 4000 yards and 35 tds, wins super bowl and I invent time travel so I can go back to the 90s to have sex with Bjork.

I had quite a day.  I woke up early and walked down to church.  Yeah...yeah...yeah...religion.  We entered a float in the town's Labor Day parade.  I'll have to post photos of the finished float later.  Anyway, I did some finishing touches and then the guy showed up with his truck and we went to the designated line up space where we added one more thing.  Personally, I like being in the parade more than I like watching parades.  Why?  Well I read about Anwar Sadat, I have an irrational fear of being assassinated and I think that since every parade is pretty much the same you get to see more by going through the parade route.  You can see the places where the number of people outnumber the number or teeth.  You can question the law and why some people are allowed to breed.   You can hear old ladies call out your name..."MATTHEW MATTHEW MATTHEW...your float is pretty!"  You can also drink beer in the truck that is hauling the float and no one will know until you throw out your empty like it's candy but instead of seeing kids scramble you see old guys jump with their lawn chairs still stuck to their ass because they have had one beer too many.  After the parade which I think we won but I'm not for sure what the final score was, I stopped at the church and talked with a semi-retired pastor.  We spoke in German so that was fun.  He said German was his first language so it was easier for him than for me.  Then I drank a few beers and had a few rice krispy treat.  After that we disassembled the float and I headed home.  Then my parents, my aunt and I got together and I grilled steaks for everyone.  Dad went to work and my aunt wanted to go for a ride.  We went over this highway to drive through Amish country.  Be thankful you didn't have work or school today.  The Amish did.  It was sort of funny to see kids walking home from school wearing no shoes.  Then we ended up at an Amish auction where they auction off produce.  I didn't bid on anything because I hate squash and I don't have a need for a wagon full of pumpkins.  Hmmm maybe I should have bought them so I could start my Smashing Pumpkins tribute band but all I'd honor was their name.  Down the road, there is cheese factory so we stopped there.  It was pretty cool because you could watch people make cheese.  I bought some cheese curds and wasabi covered peas...really Amish, right?  Oh and if anyone is interested, this place sells Amish bonnets.  Speaking of interested...I have some postcards if anyone wants a postcard.  I know a few of you have done that so I figured I'd try to be a nice guy and not so assholish and send out some postcards.  Well it's Monday night and it's football season so I need to get going.  Have a great night!

Feign interest.

I forgot to do a post yesterday.  I should have because it was Cat-urday.  God, I am a loser.

When you figure it out, you will LOL and then charge me with crimes against humanity.

Oh that is one cool cat.  Too bad that kegstand will get him fired from his job as...being a cat?

The ultimate photobomb.

Seriously...do it!  I was shocked at how this worked.  You also must post it in a vlog.

Once again...I am a loser.

Text messages are a tool of the devil.

Demi Moore's bush is guilty of grand theft auto and Troy Polamalu is under investigation too.

Condoms are like tuxedos for your dick.  You only wear them on special occasions.

I bet that is located on the Outer Spanks

I hear Hogwarts is quite pricey these days.  If you can't afford it, you can always try Analwarts Academy.

In this economy, no one should be throwing away sugar daddies.

Now Twilight fans can rest in peace...he's been dead all along.

Oh...my...GAWD!

So...plan emergencies accordingly.

In case you can't make out his sweater, it says "Fantastic Little Murderer".

Oh...those...they're our new item that we call Wacky Bread.  They are more extreme than a regular pretzel.

Gentlemen...we ride at dawn.

Get it?

Did you?

And did you remember to send Mr. Lashua a birthday card?  If you didn't Mr. Lashua has a message for you:

Yep...this is a day late.  I am a casualty of Xanga's new IM.  I signed off this morning so I could write.  I'm just realizing that I have not had my facebook IM on since I figured out how to shut it off.  Nothing much exciting going on.  It cooled off and I decided to stay home and be warm.  It got down to 40 last night.  The town is having their Labor Day celebration and last night the beer tent at the fairgrounds served free beer.  You just had to pay your $10 entrance fee.  I don't know.  It didn't add up for me.  They also had fireworks last night and they shot them off from a new location.  It seemed like they were exploding right over the house.  Plates were rattling and my cats were terrified.  If any of my dinnerware broke, I wonder if I could bill the city.  Anyway, college football kicked off this week and I'm going to be glued to the tv. 

Images may not be safe for work or for life....NSFW and NSFL

This is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  The Head and Shoulders shampoo company has insured his hair, which he hasn't cut for seven years, for $1million.  Troy had this to say, "It’s like J.Lo’s insured butt! Head & Shoulders has gone above and beyond by insuring my Samoan locks for a cool $1 million dollars. This reinforces that my full and thick hair is unstoppable."  Hmmm, couldn't $1million be used for something useful like helping schools that are struggling to make ends meet?  NO, WE MUST INSURE FUCKING HAIR!  Uh-oh...look out,  when Brett Favre retires, he may have to insure his hemorrhoids.  To make up for this insurance policy, Troy should have to work for it.  Hell, he should donate that mess to Locks of Love but I know I know...it's because he's Samoan so don't beat down my door.  Well if he doesn't cut that hair, then dress him in drag and lock him in the same room with Ben Rothliesberger.

T.I., in the words of Antoine Dodson, you are dumb.  T.I. was just recently released from prison and on probation but this matters not to T.I. because he was arrested this week.  Officers pulled him over and noticed a smell of marijuana in his vehicle.  They searched the vehicle and found a controlled substance.  Some say it was Ecstasy and others are saying it was Purple Drank.  He was with his wife, Tiny, in his car...hmmm a black guy driving erratically in a Maybach filled with Styrofoam cups...that sounds like Kim Kardashian's wildest fantasies.

The other week, I posted a story about how Taylor Lautner is suing an RV dealership because they didn't deliver an RV to a movie set on time and this made Taylor a sad werewolf.  He was suing for $300,000 in damages and emotional distress.  This week it was announced that Taylor was willing to settle for $40,000 but the RV dealer, Bret McMahon, had a better idea on how to settle the issue.  He challenged Taylor to a push-up contest, winner gets $40,000.  Bret said that if he wins, he will donate the money to charity.  OK, so let's get this straight.  An older, balding, overweight man is challenging a young, fit, actor in a push-up contest.  I think Bret is making excuses for how he can see Taylor's chiseled chest.  Oh and you're welcome, Jenn.

Snookie's boyfriend, Jeff Miranda dressed in his finest camouflage and used this magazine cover to ask Snookie to marry him.  He has claimed that he is not using her for her fame.  Asking a girl to marry you on the cover of a magazine supports that claim 100%, Jeff.  If they marry, I seriously hope that there is a substance in Ed Hardy clothing and cologne that sterilizes people because we do not need the Jersey Shore cast spawning.

Salma Hayek dined at Madeo in Hollywood this week.  Everyone couldn't stop staring.  The host, the waiters, teh busboys, the cooks, the customers...everyone stopped and stared.  What did she order?  Was it cooked to her specifications?  Who was she with?  We may never know because...BOOBS!

Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas last weekend for possession of cocaine.  The police pulled over her boyfriend on suspicion of drunk driving.  The car smelled of marijuana so the cop started searching the vehicle.  Well he didn't have to work that hard to find the good stuff on Paris.  She wanted to use the bathroom at a nearby hotel but the police officer wouldn't let her go with her purse.  He said he would hold it and as she handed it to him but before she gave it up she reached in for some lip gloss but then the coke fell out.  Of course, Paris claims the purse isn't hers and that the cop planted the coke.  Paris is lying about the purse because she tweeted pictures of it when she bought it months ago.  Paris is pretty stupid.  She needs friends who are less interested in partying and more interested in keeping her steered down the right path in life. And she needs these friends around her at all times. Because if she gets pulled over again with cocaine in her purse, she can just say it was theirs.  This is the third time she's been arrested for possession and the third time she's used the "it's not mine" card.  Why is she famous?  Even her arrests are getting boring.  And because they don't fuck around in Vegas, Paris has been banned from many hotels and clubs.  If a club is known to have drug dealers and consumption they run risk of losing their liquor licenses and if Paris shows up then the law will keep close eyes on them and they don't want that.  Also, celebrities don't get special treatment out there.  Hopefully she gets a Go to Jail card and lands in a suite next to O.J. Simpson.  You know he'd love that because he LOVES blondes.

These are Paris's other mugshots.  Man, that left eye really does have a mind of it's own.  I think her most recent mugshot is the prettiest.

Olivia, do you know what you do to me?  She posed for GQ magazine and I think this is some sort of artsy photo shoot.  I think it is a critique on the social stigma placed on the queef but then I've never been able to interpret art.

Hmmm Miley Cyrus looks different.  She's so bloated in the face.  I get it.  She's got a spray-on tan and wearing religious jewelery despite not promoting a religion...SHE'S TRYING TO GET ON JERSEY SHORE. Either that or she had Snookie's face transplanted on her head and the plastic surgeon used Elmer's glue to keep it in place.  Ugh...seriously...it's just beginning with her and plastic surgery.  That is so sad.

Well Mickey Rourke cut ties with his greasy mop.  He sort of looks like Robert Blake.  Ladies, are you buying Mickey's new look?  If you are, then might I suggest a low interest loan?

Early reviews of the movie Machete are saying that Lindsay Lohan is nude almost the entire time she's on screen.  Also in the movie there is a scene where she partakes in a 3-way with Danny Trejo and her character's mother.  You know, I've been harsh on Lindsay and her rack continues to persevere.  It succeeds in spite of her.  Also, director Robert Rodriguez will not let her near any of the premieres or promotions for this movie.  I can just see how she'll spin her treatment.  I bet she'll claim that she couldn't do any promotion because she was too busy having a meeting with Alfred Hitchcock because he saw her in Machete and had a role for her.  When asked if she realizes that Alfred Hitchcock is dead she'll say that she knows and that he was so impressed with her acting skills that he rose from the dead to write a movie centered around her acting repertoire. 

Lindsay almost found herself back in jail for murder.  She nearly hit a baby in a stroller as she was leaving her apartment complex and Lindsay being Lindsay didn't stop but just kept on going.  That was a great move letting her out of jail and rehab early.  It may have been good for her but it wasn't good for the future of our children.  A witness said a woman was pushing a child in a stroller and Lindsay ran a red light and clipped the stroller, stopped for two seconds, and then sped away.  A witness jumped in his car and followed Lindsay and she was driving erratically and running multiple stop lights.  So let's review...since Lindsay got her license back last week she has ran red lights, ran stop signs, pulled over for doing 120mph on city streets, and hit a baby in a stroller.  I know my friend Jack and I have had our adventures while driving but we've never hit a baby in a stroller.  Of course Lindsay's reps went into full damage control mode by claiming that the stroller was tapped at 1mph and everyone is lying.  I guess I owe Lindsay an apology because I overreacted.  Strollers aren't made of strings and twigs and can withstand the force of a 4000lb automobile.  Honestly, Lindsay shouldn't be allowed to even drive in Mario Kart.

Lady Gaga is insufferably full of herself and has a god complex.  She is fearful that because of cell phone use, she may develop a brain tumor.  So to guard against getting a brain tumor, she has an assistant hold her phone for her at a distance and she shouts at the phone.  OK, first off, I thought you had to have a brain to get a brain tumor.  She also has started to demand that her security guards carry her so she can limit the amount of walking she does in a single day.  I probably wouldn't last 5 minutes working for Lady Gaga.  When I quit there would be an awkward 911 call requesting that they bring the jaws of life to remove a bear trap from her head.

Kim Kardashian claims this is her most risque cover shoot.  She must have a bad memory or just maybe her sextape cover doesn't count.

This week Kelly Osbourne performed with the Pussycat Dolls.  Yes, that's Kelly Osbourne.  After Dancing with the Stars, she continued to lose weight and this is what she currently looks like.  I don't know.  I just hope she went about that weight loss in a healthy manner.  With that red hat...she looks like a candy apple that I just want to sink my teeth into and eat for hours on end.  So here's a lesson kids, the first thing you do when you lose a bunch of weight...you dress in your sparkliest clothing and go shake your ass for everything in God's creation to see.

Karissa Shannon was on the red carpet for something or other this week.  I was hoping it was for the release of her sex tape but then the more I looked at the photo I figured it was just the unveiling of her wax statue.  That thing is so lifelike.  It even has nipples!  Wait, that's her?  Well I guess this means that Martin Luther King's dream has finally come true.

Jodie Sweetin had her second baby this week.  Awww...Stephanie Tanner is all grown up.  Her boyfriend Morty Coyle announced the birth of their daughter Beatrix Carlin Sweetin Coyle.  I think Kimmy Gibbler would have been a better name but then maybe Jodie's saving that name for her next child.  Also...her boyfriend's name is Morty Coyle.  The father of her other child, Zoie Laurelmae, is named Cody Herpin.  Why is she dating guys whose names sound like prescription medicines?

I love it when old people talk about beating young people.  Jerry Lewis made me smile this week.  He said this about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, "I would smack her in the mouth if I saw her…I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else – whack!’ And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her. The same thing with Paris Hilton – those children are begging for help. What they’re doing is saying…‘Can you please help me?’ When people who have celebrity give nothing in return, they need a spanking and a reprimand."  Hmmm...I don't know why but I'd love to spank Lindsay and Paris but I'd probably have to wear a couple pairs of rubber gloves to do the job.

Jennifer Anniston is going to be topless in her upcoming movie, Wanderlust.  You know, there was a time when people would have crowded the theaters to see Jen topless and that was ten years ago and what should have been in the movie Office Space.  Too bad her nude scene was deleted.  With the magic of the internet you can see it here.

Wow...Janice Dickinson must be hard up for money since she's caught here stealing money from a homeless guy.  What?  Oh wait...Ms. Dickinson's lawyers inform me that she was "giving" money to the homeless guy.  Since Janice Dickinson hasn't worked for quite some time...how'd she get money to give to the homeless?  Sorcery?  Magic?

Demi Moore is an 18 year old Myspace slut circa 2004 trapped in the body of a 47 year old Twitter fiend.  Thank Ganesha for Twitter!

Christina Hendricks...fap fap fap fap fap...was at the Emmy's.  She looks like she could be a Prohibition Era smuggler because it looks like she is trying to hid a couple kegs in her chest.  The only way she can push up those massive sweater puppies involves Mayan technology.  I look to Christina Hendricks for what will happen in 2012.  When those things collapse, the world will collapse with them.

This is for the ladies or as I was reminded last time I posted something I thought was strictly for the ladies...something for the dudes who like dudes.  This is Nick Gruber.  He is a new model for Calvin Klein.  He is also Calvin Klein's new boyfriend.  Last year he graduated high school and this year he's half-naked in advertisements.  I wonder how he got that job.  Probably hard work and perseverance.  I bet if Kramer had been Klein's boyfriend, we'd all be smelling like The Beach right about now.  I have been lacking on my Seinfeld references.

Normally I don't buy anything celebrities try to sell me as to how I should live or vote but Angelina Jolie is making me change my mind.  She said that eating steak is her beauty secret.  It's funny how girls starve themselves and go to such extreme lengths to look like Angelina and she maintains that beauty by eating steak.  She said that when she tried veganism it almost killed her because she was starving and lacked proper nutrition.  Wow...I am in tears here.  It's just so beautiful.  I must be the most handsome man in the world.  Must have more steak and more women.

Betty White is so hot and unique.  She wore this exquisite ensemble to the Emmy's.  Believe it or not that outfit is the only one of it's kind.  It is the rarest material on earth.  It's genuine unicorn hide.  And Betty finally got my mind out of the gutter when it comes to wearing pearl necklaces.

Britney Spears is still on vacation in Hawaii.  It must be nice to not have to work for a year and still go to Hawaii.  There were rumors floating around that she was there to get married but she's still unmarried.  I don't know what her boyfriend is waiting for.  He fattened the cow, kept it around, and fed it.  Next he should slaughter it, raid the bank account, and ride into the sunset in a new Ferrari...just like Britney's ex-husband, K-Fed.  I feel like sleaze for thinking K-Fed was on to something.

Video Section:
Conan O'Brien unveiled the name of his new late-night show on TBS.  You'll be pleasantly surprised what it will be called.

Guns N Roses played Ireland this week...OK so maybe it's just Axl Rose with a back-up band made to look like the original GNR.  He learned the hard way that you don't piss around with the Irish.  They don't like to wait around 90 minutes for you to show up and then offer no apology.  They also like it when you interact with the audience.  And if you are Axl Rose and do these things, then you get bottles thrown at you.  He's lucky that was all he got.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

(I added a few more childhood memories)
My mom got pregnant and it was all downhill from there.  My dad wasn't that observant and didn't understand the delicate nature of an infant skull.  He was watching me one morning in February shortly after my first birthday.  He had to go start the car because it was -10F but he couldn't leave me in the apartment because my mom had already left for work.  He decided that since the car was cold inside and would give off carbon monoxide the best bet was to place me in my car seat on the hood of the car.  This was a late 70s boat of a car and when the engine started, the rumble shook the whole car.  I started sliding down in my car seat and fell off the car and landed head first on the curb.  My dad quickly picked me up and rushed me to the hospital.  I had a minor concussion.  Then another time they fell asleep watching a movie, I stuck an orange seed in my ear thinking that I would grow oranges from my ear.  It didn't come out and I started crying.  They rushed me to the hospital where I had to have emergency surgery to remove the orange seed.  Then another time they wouldn't let me watch Dukes of Hazard so I made my own show.  I made a ramp, hoping I would jump over the stairs leading up to the apartment.  I got on my Knight Rider Big Wheel and pedaled with all of my might.  I hit the ramp and it collapsed and I flew down three or four flights of stairs.  My parents heard the crash and knew it was me.  I was rushed to the hospital.  I had a minor concussion.  Once, when I was in second grade, my mom made me eat all my vegetables, and wouldn't let me have any dessert until I did.  I hated her so much for that.

There was this one time I was trying out to be in a battle of the band but my parents never cared.  My mom was a drunk and my dad was a workaholic at a dead-end job.  Then I get a call from the local "mad" scientist.  He wanted me to video tape some scientific experiments.  He claimed he made this time machine out of an old DeLorean.  Well instead of him traveling in time, I did.  I went back to when my parents were kids and I told them to go easy on me.  When I got back, things were very different.

There was a time when my dad had to go out of town for business and he was gone for a long time.  I was left to be the man of the house although my mom did most of the work.  One day this stray dog showed up at our house.  He was a scruffy old yellow dog so I called him Old Yellow Dog.  That dog did everything.  He even helped me fish.  He even saved me from a charging bear.  Then when one of our cows gave birth, the mother charged at me because she didn't want to be parted with her calf but Old Yellow Dog was there to save me.  Then out of nowhere Old Yellow Dog's owner showed up but he said I could have him if my mom made him a nice meal and I got him a lizard.  Then one day I took Old Yellow Dog hunting.  We were looking for these wild boars.  I was in a tree above the boars but I fell and they attacked me but Old Yellow Dog fought them off.  Later on a rabid wolf came by our house and attacked Old Yellow Dog and he got the rabies.  I had to shoot Old Yellow Dog because he was a not himself.  Then my dad came home from his business trip.  He heard about Old Yellow Dog's exploits and was impressed.  I didn't want a puppy he got me but when I saw the yellow puppy steal food just like Old Yellow Dog, I knew that the puppy was Old Yellow Dog's son so I called him Young Yellow Dog.

My parents never cared if I drank or got high.  I transferred to a new high school my sophomore year and it was hard being the new kid in school.  I only had two friends and the rest of the kids tried to start knife fight with me when we went on a field trip.  It was broken up but one of those thugs challenged me to a game of chicken.  I raided my dad's liquor cabinet and he didn't stop me.  I went to a cliff overlooking the ocean and we drove.  I jumped out of the car before it went over the edge but the leader of the thugs, Buzz, proved he wasn't a chicken and he plunged to his death.  My mom didn't believe me but my dad always stuck up for me.  I decided to go to the police and tell them what happened.  Buzz's gang saw me and they harassed my friend, Plato.  He grabbed his parents' gun and shot at me, the thugs, and the police because he was out of his mind.  I knew where Plato would be hiding and the police let me in to convince him to come out.  I took the bullets out of the gun when Plato wasn't looking.  We walked outside the planetarium but Plato got spooked by all the cops and he pulled out his gun.  The cops shot him.  I was distraught but my dad was there to comfort me and he promised to be a better father right then and there.

After that incident my mom decided to move me to live with family in a small town called Beaumont.  This town sucked.  The city council banned all dancing because it was lead by this "holier than thou" pastor.  I fell in love with the pastor's daughter but she had a boyfriend.  Once again I found myself in a game of chicken and he only won because I had no clue how to drive a tractor.  The pastor then forbade his daughter from seeing me but I had bigger fish to fry because senior prom was approaching and I wanted to fucking dance.  I went to a city council meeting and I read Bible verses about dancing because I knew that would burn the pastor.  Even though the pastor wanted to keep the law, the city council repealed it.  The next Sunday in church the pastor prayed for us and our prom.  We had a God-pleasing, kick-ass prom and the pastor even danced with his wife.  Now you are wondering why this ruined my childhood...well, my parents were nowhere to be found.  I did this all by myself.

Things didn't stay better for long.  One night my parents and I decided to go to the opera.  On the way out, my dad decided we should take a short cut and go through an alley.  Well that was a stupid move because these muggers jumped out and stole my dad's money and my mom's jewelry.  My dad was stupid and tried to fight back so the muggers shot him and my mom.  I went into a major depression and traveled the world and studied martial arts.  Now I patrol the streets of a major city fighting crime in the hopes that somehow I can avenge my parents' death while the family butler helps me fight crime and wash my clothes.  If my parents were never killed, I would have never been a billionaire playboy.

College wasn't much of a picnic either.  In order to make ends meet I took a job as a janitor at an Ivy league school.  Things were going pretty good but then I was stupid.  Some math professor decided to leave these complex math problems on a chalk board in hopes that someone could solved them.  Well I picked up the chalk and started working on the problem.  I love math and of course I solved the problem.  They found out that a lowly janitor solved the problem so they said I needed to get some counseling.  I hated my therapist because he was so furry that he looked like an escaped ape and he always wore those stupid Mr. Rogers sweaters.  Oh and the worst part of all of this, my best friend was Ben Affleck.

Yeah, they let me watch way too much TV, as you can see I have no imagination.  Some of these are true.

Real examples of bad parenting:

This makes me tear up.

OMG

Fits in with my story.

OK there's a story behind this.  A guy found this flier on a bulletin board at a gas station.  Why don't you put a smile on his face and send him a birthday card.  He's a war hero; he killed people so you better send him a birthday card.

I spent some time in Madison yesterday looking at grad programs for education.  I don't know if I want to go back to a classroom setting or if I want to do everything online.  I looked at going with USC.  It's quite expensive but all their stuff is done online and with skype. I would have to contribute vlogs in the classes.  It sounds interesting but then I'd worry about what I'd do with a webcam outside of the class.  Look out, chat-roulette.  Another pro to USC is that they will give me a $75 gift card to Best Buy.  How awesome is that!  I spend a few thousand dollars to earn a piece of paper and they give me a gift card.  Anyway...it's time for tattoos.  Some of these are not safe for life.  I was lazy today and didn't upload any new tattoos so I went back to some of these posts from 3 years ago.

Someone has a future destined for tech support.

Ok, there is something about getting Nintendo tattoos or other pop-culture tattoos.  This should not be one of them.  If I had to give this tattoo a title it would be: "Swinging on a Star".  WHY? Is that Toad filming it?  This is bad, but not the worst.

This may be a case of another tattoo that I shouldn't get.  I'm beginning to think that people are daft.

Ok, Clay Aiken...he didn't even win American Idol.  Why would you want a loser on your body?  And then I should ask why Demi Moore is with Ashton Kutcher.

Chris "Corky" Burke...WHY???????  He hasn't been around since the mid-90s.  He does have a pretty nice myspace site, but he also has a very lame band.  His band plays at high schools around the country .  I think most of the high schoolers nowadays are too young to even know who this guy is.  Apparently someone knew Corky a little too much. 

I'm Native American, I like corn dogs, and I have a fetish for naked ladies.  Combine the three and you have the worst idea for a tattoo ever.  I can understand the lady but the corndog...A MAIZEDOG?????????????  Maybe I should get some Chinese food tattooed on my back or what I had for breakfast.

This guy stole my idea of the breakfast tattoo...telepathetically...yes I purposely misspelled telepathically.

UGH!  Why?  Aren't Jeeps rugged and manly vehicles?  What is with the flowers and vines?

The secret word of the day is: CRAPPY TATTOO.  Yes that is more than one word.  tattoo your complaints on your forearm and get back to me.

Brings new meaning to the phrase "Fuck the World".

So I can take Jimmy Buffett in small doses.  This is way over the line.  I think this is an overdose.  There is liking music and then there is being obsessed with a band.  Which do you think this tattoo represents?  Can anyone answer this question, why does Jimmy Buffett have such a huge following in the Midwest with his tropical music?

Oh how cute!  It looks like an open wound.  This it is pierced.....WAIT A SECOND...that is a...a...a...VAGINA!.  What would posses someone to tattoo that on their KNEE?  And then it is pierced?  Wow, this guy's knee is turning me on.  Next!

I hope there is forgiveness for this tattoo.

Why would anyone want to get Britney's worst phase permanently on their skin? Luckily for Britney, hair grows back; unfortunately for the owner of this tattoo, ink is forever.

So can you point out the homosexual subtext to this tattoo?  I think there may be something to that homosexual agenda.

You know I actually was sort of wondering why she had a tattoo of a ram but then I realized it is a diagram of the female reproductive organs.   Who knew tattoos could be educational?

So racist tattoos exist and this is one of the least erotic.  Lady, I love the scorched earth policy but I, like Crayolas, can come in any color.

Out with a bang?

Today is September 2nd 2010...the second day of the ninth month of 2010...9-02-10.  Europeans, you celebrated on February 9th.

Beverly Hills 90210, just another in a long line of successful shows for Aaron Spelling.

I won't acknowledge the new 90210 because it's crap although AnnaLynne McCord is hot and her name looks like "anal".

How many of those people went on the bigger and better things?  I could make a case for zero.  Although Brian Austin Green is married to Megan Fox so I guess he has had some success in life.

Anyway enjoy your day and have a Coke at the Peach Pit.