but if I could, I'd be your mom.

Please excuse my absence and leaving your comments without reply.  My computer defecated all over my plans of a Xanga takeover.  Yes, I have been semi-silently planning a coup.  Of course this was when Xanga acted like excrement but I hear it is operating pleasantly.  For some odd reason my computer decides to shut itself down without any warning.  I have yet to figure out why this is and when I tried to reinstall windows, the computer shuts down without warning.  I haven't been able to reach the person who built it for me because he works at night and at night is when I drink.  Actually, I haven't had a drink since Friday night when I was pre-celebrating a Wisconsin victory.  Take that, Gravy!

They revealed the name of the next movie in the Batman franchise...The Dark Knight Rises.  In the poker world, this is called a tell.  they revealed who the villain will be.  With a title like The Dark Knight Rises, it has to be Catwoman.

I have come to hate the phrase, "I'm in the same boat".  When I hear that I want to drown the person who says it.

I hate using a public library for my computer needs.  I am listening to these two girls text, talk on the phone, and IM each other in the same fucking room.  Apparently one girl spread a rumor that the other girl smokes cigarettes.  Wow!  That is life changing!  Just wait until they hit middle school and they spread rumors about smoking meat.

Why do women offer hand-jobs?  That position has already been filled by my hand.  I think it has something to do with the reason why my girlfriend calls me Monday.  I always come too fast and she never wants me around.  But then the reason I enjoy having sex with my wife is because she's never around.

There has been a push to put Penthouse Forum in Braille.  It's a very touchy subject.

This is what Wisconsin looks like right now.

 

Now motivational posters for you...sorry.  Well, I guess it's like my dad used to say...leaves cigarette and never comes back.

So here’s the deal…you read this and then you comment, it’s only fair.  Yeah, I’m a prick, but I’m a prick who’s debating whether not Xanga is worth it.  I want money for this post.  What are you going to do, bully me?  I’ll destroy your world.  Blah blah blah…NSFW and NSFL.  Also, for your enjoyment, I’ve placed 10 Easter eggs in this post to see if you really are paying attention.  Have fun hunting.

Vince Neil is rich.  Apparently the 80s were a decadent decade.  Vince Neil revealed that he recently purchased a jet.  This jet won’t be for his personal use but for someone near and dear to him…his dogs.  Apparently his wife doesn’t want to care for his dogs while he is out of town.  He has this jet fly his dogs wherever he is.  Currently he has them flown between San Francisco and Las Vegas where he is working in the studio.  While most of us are complaining about sky-rocketing prices, this guy bought a jet for his dogs.  Why not just board them in a kennel or hire someone to care for them?  Oh, that’s right, he’s a glam rocker and probably all the drugs shorted out his brain.

Tyra Banks is facing potential legal drama.  A woman is claiming that her teenaged daughter called the Tyra Banks show and claimed to be a sex-crazed teen.  The girl was picked up in a limo and flown to New York City from Atlanta all without her mother's permission since the girl is underage.  The show put her in a hotel in New York by herself and mother filed a missing person's report with the Atlanta police.  The mother also claims that the show never did any research because the girl has never been diagnosed with sex addiction.  The mother is suing for a total of $3million dollars plus to have the episode barred from airing.  I can understand the mother's concern here.  Her daughter was seen by countless perverts but is there such a thing as a teen not addicted to sex?  They may as well have had a dog addicted to barking.  I missed that show but since every episode of Tyra is about her she probably came out wearing a Catholic schoolgirl skirt and pigtails while sucking a lollipop.  Don't judge me.

Remember how I have said that celebrities tend to die in groups of three?  Well this week we lost three celebrities.  First, everyone’s favorite TV mom died.  Barbara Billingsley passed away at the age of 94.  She will be greatly missed.  I bet right now she’s baking and vacuuming in heaven all while wearing pearls.  Rest in peace.

Second, America’s dad, Howard Cunningham, died at age 83.  Tom Bosley will probably be best remembered for his role as Mr. C on Happy Days.  There were so many times I wished he was my dad and of course I was the Fonz without all the VD.

Finally, I don’t know if we classify this guy as a celebrity however some people view him as a deviant.  Bob Guccione, founder of Penthouse magazine, died at the age of 79.  He gave the world classy hardcore porn.  Hugh Hefner did a lot for nude art and Larry Flynt brought hardcore porn to the masses and Bob Guccione mixed the two.  He also gave us Penthouse Letters, Omni Magazine, Spin magazine, and the Caligula movie.  He will be greatly missed.  And the readers of his porn are paying tribute by being at half mast.

The Situation is coming out with a book.  This guy won’t quit until he gives you an STD through all forms of media.

This is Dog the Bounty Hunter.  Is that a healthy shade of orange?  I guess if the bounty hunting gig doesn’t pay off, he can be on Jersey Shore.

Suri Cruise’s parents spent $6000 for her Halloween costume.  She’s going as a fairy princess.  Oh how sweet, like father, like daughter.  I bet she wouldn’t go trick-or-treating in my neighborhood wearing a $6000 dress.

Is there an Amy Winehouse biopic in the works?  No, this is just Sean Penn dressed as a rock star who is bored with rock-starring and decides to hunt down the Nazis who killed his family in the upcoming movie, This Must be the Place.  WOW!  That must have been what Bea Arthur looked like when she was a teenager.
 
I’ve already found out what Suri Cruise is dressing up as for Halloween and now we know what Paris Hilton’s plans are.  Paris is going as a slutty sailor.  I was sort of shocked that she wasn’t planning on dressing as a submarine since she is always filled with seamen.

It was announced this week that Mel Gibson was going to be in the sequel to The Hangover but by the end of the week, he was out.  Rumor has it that my boy, Zach Galifinackis was behind Gibson’s removal.  Zach put out a few tweets about he didn’t want to be in the movie because of a casting conflict just hours after the announcement that Gibson had signed on.  Not to make Mel seem like a saint but Zach needs to remember that he worked with a convicted rapist in the first movie but in the first one he probably didn’t have the pull as he does with this movie.

Lindsay Lohan dodged a huge legal bullet on Friday.  The judge ordered her to return to rehab instead of going to jail.  She will remain in rehab for some time and must remain sober until January 23^rd, her next court hearing.  I bet right now she’s celebrating with her dealer.  I’m sort of upset that I’m not going to get my Lindsay Lohan mugshot calendar.

I’ve made vocal my distaste for Lady Gaga as a person.  I hope she doesn’t read these entries because maybe they’ve had an effect on her.  She’s afraid of being murdered by a fan so whenever she sleeps she has a bodyguard stay in the room with her.  So if she gets busy with a guy does that mean they are having a ménage e trios?  I think Gaga shouldn’t be worried about being killed by fans, PETA…yes, but not fans.  Her fans are pretty much the only people in the world that don’t want her dead.  Sometimes I think she just says all this stuff to hear the sound of her own voice.  If I wanted that constant yapping I’d have a girlfriend.

With all the problems in the world today…terrorism, soaring costs, home foreclosures, diabetes, childhood obesity, cancer, AIDS, Xanga not working, military suicide…Kim Kardashian revealed the biggest problem in the world as she sees it.  Women aren’t wearing the proper color of foundation.  GASP EGADS FUCK!  Not the wrong foundation!  Kim, not everyone can afford to go get sprayed at Maaco’s every day.

Katy Perry has made a no sex before marriage pact with her boyfriend Russell Brand.  I find this strange.  They’ve had sex before so why stop to get married?  Are they preparing for marriage by not having sex?  Does the vagina gain magical powers when a ring is slipped on the woman’s finger?  Oh yeah it is.  The vagina now controls the man.  So does not having sex before marriage make it any more special?  If you can explain this to me, could you also explain Crocs?  Oh, the pledge didn’t last long because they got married this weekend.

Oh who am I kidding…Katy Perry is purrfect.

This is the cover for Kanye West's new album and it has been banned in the United States.  I bet he'll blame Taylor Swift.  He tweeted, "In the 70s album covers had actual nudity... It's so funny that people forget that... Everything has been so commercialized now." And he tweeted again, "I know that cover just blew yall minds ... I wish yall could see how hard I'm smiling right now!!!"  I don't know why but this sort of looks like what I imagine Dennis Rodman having sex with Madonna must have looked like.  I think that my therapist once showed me this photo.

Justin Bieber is being investigated for assault.  Last weekend he was playing laser tag and a 12 year old repeatedly shot Justin and then started calling him a faggot.  After being called a faggot numerous times Justin hit the kid in the face.  I have underestimated how badass this kid is.  I still can't believe that someone complained that all 90lbs of Justin Bieber hit him.  Butterflies and kittens are scarier than Justin Bieber.  He needs to sit down and have a conversation with Suge Knight about how to be badass.

Jonah Hill recently attended a party and was trying to hook up with models and actresses but none of the models had anything to do with him.  He was trying to get some action despite already dating someone but the funny thing was, this wasn’t why he was being shot down.  Jonah, big boned dudes like us have to realize the only way we can get laid by models is with the help of chloroform

This is Jeremy Jackson.  He turned 30 this week.  “Who is Jeremy Jackson,” you ask.  He play David Hasselhoff’s son on Baywatch.  You know what’s funny, I was in a liquidator store last weekend and I found Baywatch cologne for the low price of 50 cents.  I remember when that stuff came out during the height of that show’s popularity and it was around $30.  It’s been a long time since Baywatch was popular.

Jenna Jameson is going to do Broadway and not like that, pervert.  She’s actually going to be in a musical called Rock of Love.  If I was a betting man, which I am but don’t get me confused now, I would have said the first stage show that Jenna would do would be the Vagina Monologues.  If a vagina had a story to tell, certainly hers would have the most entertaining stories.  The producers of the musical said that Jenna is a great actress and will fit in just fine.  I have to agree.  There was this one time I was watching Cumdumpster Bitches 7 and Jenna was being screwed by one guy, blowing another guy and getting reamed with a strap-on dildo and I swore she was enjoying it.  That was true talent.

Jean Claude van Damme turned 50 this week and he also had a heart attack while on the set of a new movie.  He’s going to be OK but will need to take some time off before he can return to filming.  Chuck Norris denies all responsibility and involvement.

Jamie Lynn Siegler was spotted on a balcony at a hotel in Waikiki.  That is so awesome.  There was this one time I was at a hotel and I was on a balcony.  We have so much in common.  Will you marry me?  God my life is lonely.

Wow, Halle Berry is seriously risking an injury by lifting with her back and not lifting with the legs.  She’s also risking giving me a chub by lifting like that.

Eminem turned 38 this week.  Damn, ALF is so gangsta!  I can’t see how fans could take him seriously after seeing this photo.

Last week I mentioned that Christina Aguilera was splitting with her husband.  People are now saying why they are splitting up.  Apparently, she cheated on her husband with women.  So Christina took a stroll down Queen Latifah way?  Now it all makes sense as to why she married her husband.  I’m not saying I’m the most handsome guy in the world, in fact I think I am the second ugliest person in the world.  Her husband is first.  Also people are reporting that Christina is seeking comfort in the arms of Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan’s exgirlfriend.  Uh-oh, that may trigger Lindsay because she’s the jealous kind.  The funniest part with all this is that within recent weeks, Christina went to a club to pick up women but she was shot down.  And these are just more reasons why I am single.

Carrie Fischer turned 54 this week.  You know, I’ve often wondered if Chewbaca “got” with Princess Leia, would that be beastiality?

Brandy admitted that she has been having a difficult time focusing on dancing while being a contestant on Dancing with the Stars because she hasn’t had sex in 6 years.  Hey, Brandy, welcome to the club.  But then she’s a celebrity and wasn’t in a vow of celibacy so…dang, that’s unreal.

Alicia Keys gave birth to a daughter and named her Egypt Daoud Dean.  That is a name fit for a pharaoh.  If you think the girl will have problems with her name think of what she’ll have to go through when people find out her dad’s name is Swizz Beatz.

This is the cast for the next season of The celebrity Apprentice.  Top from left to right...Latoya Jackson (maybe she can find Michael Jackson's killer while working for Trump), Mark McGrath (There is much money to be had from the Sun-In people with that guy), Dionne Warwick (I wonder if the psychics told her she'd win), Jose Canseco (Apparently the boxing world didn't want him so it's back to reality TV), Lil Jon (WHAT?  YEAH!  OK!), Star Jones (I wonder how much weight she'll gain and lose for this show), Gary Busey (I think he shouldn't be on that show but should do a Buddy Holly zombie movie instead), Marlee Matlin (she won an Oscar and is deaf which means she can tune out Trump's asinine comments), David Cassidy (Justin Bieber but watch because he'll see his future), Niki Taylor (supermodel and fap material), Meat Loaf (at first I thought to make the playing field level for these people they were going to have a meatloaf compete), Nene Leakes (she's on the Real Foreclosed Wives of Atlanta), Lisa Rinna (modern day Renaissance woman with less lips), Richard Hatch (he was the first winner of Survivor and then went to jail for tax evasion, hopefully he's clothed for this mess), Hope Dworaczyk (she was naked in Playboy), John Rich (of country music's Big & Rich, looking to be more relevant than the one song they constantly play during ESPN College Gameday).  This is such a mess and will bomb.  All that will survive the fallout will be Trump's hair and Gary Busey's teeth.

This has to be the photo of the week.  Here we see Gary Busey doing whatever it is he’s doing for the Celebrity Apprentice.  If I remember correctly, they said he was selling hot dogs.  I hope the city health inspector followed that crazy son of a bitch whenever he was close to food.  Is it me or does Gary look like he could be auditioning for Drop Dead Fred 2?  This is potentially a match made in a science lab.  When scientists are called upon to make a clone army because Americans are getting fed up with having to serve in the military to overthrow our Chinese masters, they will have to clone soldiers that have Donald Trump’s hair and Gary Busey’s eyes and teeth.  The Chinese soldiers would surrender immediately when they saw our clone army coming at them on the battle field.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend.  Oh and this is late because it’s late and my goddaughter is better than your goddaughter.  Did you find all the Easter eggs?  I think this post will determine things for me.

My computer is weird.  It will work for 10 to 20 minutes and then it shuts down by itself and I have to wait for 10 to 20 minutes before I can turn it on again.  I have always had a difficult time turning things on be they female or electrical.  Today I was inspecting my dad's car and I got shocked.  He hit a deer Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  It didn't do as much damage as what I thought when he described it to me.  Half of his grill is gone, the plastic covering the headlight and turn signal is gone on the passenger side, the panel just below the hood is cracked, and there are scratches all over the hood.  Apparently, he rammed the deer in the ass in a non-sexual manner.  It ran out of the ditch and tried to outrun him and he couldn't brake fast enough and he hit the deer in the ass and it landed on his hood and the antlers scratched up the paint.  He's lucky the deer hit on the passenger side and the deer didn't come through the windshield.  My grandparents had a neighbor that died from hitting a deer with his car.  He hit a 12 point buck and the deer came through the windshield and the antlers pierced the guys throat and he bled out.  That's a gory way to go.  I also knew a hunter in this area that was killed by a deer during hunting season.  He shot at the deer and thought he killed it with one shot because it dropped down.  He ran to the deer to tag and dress it but he noticed that there wasn't any blood.  He said, "What the hell, I'll field dress it anyways." His 13 year old son was so proud that his dad brought down a huge deer.  Dad asked for the special hunting knife that had been passed down for generations in their family.  He takes the knife and is about to insert it into the deer's nether regions so he grabbed a hind leg.  He raised the knife and told the son how this was going to give them a lot of meat for the winter.  As he was bringing the knife down, the deer raised it's head.  Turns out that the shot went over the deer and it fainted.  The deer didn't like a human holding on to his hind leg so he kicked at the hunter and took off and ran.  The hunter was kicked in the stomach and held his stomach because he was in horrific pain.  He took his hand off the wound and his intestines came out.  The deer field dressed the hunter.  The dad fainted and his 13 year old son put leaves and grass over the wound to stop the bleeding and then drug his father to their truck about a mile away.  The kid then drove a stick shift to the hospital.  Doctors estimated that the father died before he hit the ground.  So when I opened the hood I got an electric shock.  I don't think it was from faulty wiring but maybe because the headlight was exposed.  I then opened the window and I got shocked again.  I am finally discovering that I am destined to be the Greek god of modern electricity efficient appliances.  ALL MUST BOW TO THE MIGHTY MATEO!  I was also visiting the local Dollar General or the General as I call it because I want to make it seem all covert and militant as in "I went to the General to get my weekly allotment of prophylactics and KY Intrigue."  The GodfatherofGreenBay officially recommends KY Intrigue.  A mother was was shopping with her two children.  A boy who appeared to be 4 or 5 was looking at me and I felt uncomfortable so I said to him "Es zittern die morschen Knochen".  He ran.  Then while waiting in line I saw another mother with two children enter the store.  She put her approximately two year old daughter in the seat of the shopping cart and her 4 year old son tried to climb in the cart over the side.  Obesity is such an epidemic because the kid tipped over the cart and the mother couldn't lift it.  That kid wasn't that large.  I would say he was average but I bet a doctor would point to some chart and say the kid was obese simply because he tipped over a cart and to be truly healthy in this country one must be malnourished.  I couldn't help because I had shopping carts blocking my path.  I would have helped without even thinking of getting a beej as a thank you.  After I paid for my gift bag, birthday card, tissue paper, and Coke Zero, I walked to the car and saw a distressed motorist trying to figure out how to jump start his car.  "Not today my good man, I've been shocked twice today and won't risk a third time."  I hope my journey to my goddaughter's house goes swimmingly.  Her birthday was the 15th and she's now two.  How time flies!  My mom made her a dress.  Well it was supposed to be for Christmas LAST YEAR but my mom was embarrassed by it because she made it too large.  Wait 10 months and it will fit.  Oddly enough one of my last girlfriends said that.  I also bought my goddaughter 3 dresses last night and then two others this summer.  She will be a fashionista.  And how is your day?  My head feels like it is about to explode and not that one pervert.  I was having a conversation with someone one Facebook about hipsters.  I think I could re-write Mein Kampf but instead of anything related to Jews, I'd replace it with hipsters.  We need a cleansing.




Wild...indeed.

It appears as if it's time to feed Gary Busey.

OMG...there's no f in way.

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month...actually this is The Constipation.  He's the equivalent to The Situation on RFD's new show called Trailer Park Shores.

You should really try this and record yourself attempting.  You could be one of the few that can do this.

The saddest thing about this is that he lost.

I think it has to be more than 4 ounces to be considered succulent.

Well, that seems fitting.

Have a great and sober night.

A few years ago, when I first started coming out of my hole on Xanga, I got caught up with all the so called Xanga-lebrities and all the goings on here.  I ended up having this amazing dream back then of some of the more popular Xangans.  This was when I was having health problems and was a walking medical mystery.  I walked into the waiting room and there were two male Xangans making out.  I then looked in another corner and saw to vocal pro-lifers waiting.  I sat down next to them and the nurse came in and said, "We're ready for you to come in and have your abortions."  They became giddy and went skipping down the hall.  I often wondered if this was because the only people I've known to have abortions are pro-lifers.  I can't remember the rest but that's the gist of it.
The other night I had another Xanga dream.  I have felt over the past week that my time here is dwindling because of computer problems so maybe my subconscious was telling me that I need to get things fixed and become a permanent fixture on Xanga. 
I was sitting at my computer in an office and heard a knock on the door.  Someone said, "They're here."
I stood up and answered, "Good."
I walked out into the hallway of a dorm and not just any dorm but the dorm in which I lived my freshmen year of high school.  I walked up and down the hallway and inspected everyone standing in front of their dorm rooms.  I said, "Welcome to Xanga."
Apparently I was in charge of a specific floor in the Xanga dorm that housed all the Xangans.  I am pretty sure that the floors were divided by different cliques and I was monitoring those that I am subscribed to in real life. 
We all lived together and our blogging and commenting was how we talked with each other in the dorm.  We only had one rule and that was no smoking because if there was any smoking in the Xanga dorm then the servers would crash and the dorm would collapse.
Of course things got hot and steamy and everyone was having sex.  I won't get into that because I wouldn't want to make my readers puke with disgust or get that look that girls get when they figure out that I like-like them.
The best part of the dream was when I found another prankster.  I won't mention names.  We pulled pranks on numerous Xangans.  My favorite were the pranks I pulled that I learned in science class.  I don't know why but I had a cache of chemical in my my room and they helped me wreak havoc on the other floors of the dorm. 
The first memorable prank involved having a kool-aid stand with a special blue kool-aid.  I spiked the kool-aid with methylene blue.  All the other Xangans came to buy lemonade and I was soon sold out.  About an hour after people started buying lemonade there were screams of fear and pain.  When methylene blue is ingested it will change the color of urine to blue.  People were screaming because they were peeing blue and thought they were dying.  I got called into the dean's office for the prank.  He said that I should have known better since spiking drinks is looked down upon in this day and age and he knew I read that one someone's blog.
Another noteworthy prank involved all the sinks in the Xanga dorm and potassium permanganate.  I had seen this prank on some show so I decided to pull it on my fellow Xangans.  I unscrewed the filters from every faucet in the dorm and put a little of the potassium permanganate in the filter and then screwed it back on.  When people went to use the faucets, the potassium permanganate reacted with the water and turned the water's color to purple.  People were all "that's so cool, purple water" but then they looked at their hands.  The combination stains the skin to a brown color.  The other prankster and I had a field day going up to people and asking, "Where did you learn how to wipe?  Ever hear of toilet paper?"
Then we had a problem with someone stealing food from the Xanga cafeteria.  The other supervisors and I gathered together to figure out how we could find who was responsible.  My idea was to sprinkle silver nitrate on all the food before the cafeteria closed and that way we could figure out who was stealing.  I sprinkled silver nitrate everywhere and the next morning we caught the culprit, a thinspo writer.  When silver nitrate comes in contact with skin, it dyes the skin black and because it's organic it takes a long time to get rid of the stains.  And the name of the cafeteria?  Theologian's Cafeteria.  God...even in my dreams I am a nerd.
The dream ended when a Xangan that everyone despises tried to get in to the dorm but it wasn't accommodated for him.  He was shouting outside about how he wanted in but people wouldn't let him and he wanted to live on every floor.  I went out and hit him over the head with an empty beer bottle and the impact left him spinning.  I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard.


Landon calling to the faraway towns.

Irrelephant: A fat(or otherwise aesthetically strange person) who associates with a common group of friends or acquaintances and makes conversation awkward by telling stories or making jokes that are not at all humorous or related to the present situation.  Sadly, this is me.

For a second there, I bet you thought I was racist

YO JOE!

You are dumb

Okay, Xangans, here's what I need:

We need to make this the best service Xanga's ever had.  Let's not fuck it up and don't forget to communicate. Tag me and put "Order Up" in the title.
Where is pansybradshaw when we need him?
This post wasn't as good as what I thought it would be when I dreamed about posting it last night.

I am having a rough night.  I can't get comfortable in bed and I can't get comfortable on the floor.  Maybe I should go outside, catch some birds in a trash bag and punch them so I have a pillow for sleeping on the ground.  No, I'm not that sadistic.  But with my luck I'd probably wake up handcuffed to a jungle gym with dildos duct taped to my hands.

I'm hearing that Brett Favre is going to lose his endorsement deal with Prilosec and Wrangler jeans but the good news is that he is working out a deal with John Hancock.

Sex tips: Guys, you have to be smarter.  Use chloroform as cologne and also never date college educated women, they tend to have opinions and don't like making sandwiches.  Ladies, the only foot job a guy wants is to have his shoes shined.  Guys, when skinny girls fish for compliments when they say "I'm so fat" agree with them.  You'll thank me in the morning and if you say you're fighting off pussy left and right, you're doing it wrong.  Guys, if you truly want to be able to tell if your girlfriend or wife is like your mother, yell "I'm done" after you take a dump to see her reaction.  And if you really want to win an argument with your wife or girlfriend, say "Let's get one thing straight," while pointing at your penis.  Ladies, men love a woman with a brain which is why you need to give more head.  Since this post has taken a strange anal turn, here's my stance on anal sex...I'm behind it.  Finally, the best way to handle a dispute with your husband is to ask your boyfriend to settle it.

Here's a pick-up line that won't be relevant in a year...Are you Chilean?  I heard you like shafts.  But seriously...33 dudes in one hole?  That sounds like a typical night at Paris Hilton's.  I also think they gave them mining tools while they were down there because if you have the time to whine, you have the time to mine. 

If you are a serial killer and looking for your next victim, try a book club.  People who read obviously have no life and therefore no friends to notice they're missing.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

This lady was complaining about it being Monday yesterday.  I told her there were far worse things in the world like Lady Gaga being famous.

I met a woman with the most amazing eyes tonight.  How she spotted me without binoculars, I'll never know.

There are many paths we take in life.  I am at a fork in the path and can't decide between sociopath and psychopath.

When I get a laptop, I am going to use it while on the toilet.  My Xanga will become my diaryhea. 

Now excuse me folks while I go make a deposit at the First Bank of Big Dumps...Big Dumps is a town in Wisconsin, pervert.  Actually I'm psyched to watch the baseball playoffs...LET'S GO CUBS!  I can't wait for people to correct me.

So after drinking and celebrating my ass off because of a Badgers win I felt the need to attend church.  If I believed in those 7 deadly sins, I probably committed all 7 this past Saturday.  Let's start off with lust.  I lusted after many women.  Every time I turned my head, I saw a different woman who could be classified as the world's most attractive woman but then I think that was because I think I consumed half a keg at the pregame so there may have been a bit of a beer goggle effect going on there.  But then I'm also a sucker for a girl who displays "Wisconsin" across her chest.  As for gluttony, I found a VFW that was sponsoring an all you can eat chicken feed for the low price of $8.  I think I could also cover lust with that one.  The 80+ year old woman dishing up chicken asks, "So what do you want?"
"Well I love breasts and legs."
"I know you do but what pieces of chicken do you want."
"Ummm breasts and legs."
"OH, I thought you were one of those dirty fat boys."
What the fuck is a dirty fat boy?  Is it a late 80s rap group of morbidly obese gangsta rappers?  Anyway I can't tell you how much chicken I devour because I lost count.  They also doubled up on starches by offering french fries and potato salad.  I swear that potato salad was the best I've ever had but then it isn't my mom's vinegar based salad that she marinates overnight.  It's fantastic.  I hate potato salad that has eggs and mustard in it.  I don't know why I despise it with such a passion but I do.  Then I ate half a loaf of bread.  I thought I couldn't get any more gluttonous but then I found out that glasses of beer were 50 cents.  Hot damn!  I was riding the high life with Miller High Life.  I love that stuff and I don't care what you say about Budweiser being the best.  The only way I would drink a Budweiser was if it came from Czech Republic where Budweiser originated.  Fuck that water shit they call beer.  I'm from Wisconsin, I drink Schlitz and have survived so I know something about beer.  Speaking of which I am loving this stuff I picked up the other day from the Potosi Brewery.  It's called Cave Ale.  They produce a pumpkin ale during the fall but it's only on tap and I haven't seen any establishments that have it outside of Potosi and I'll be damned if I ever go back to Potosi.  That town sucks.  My most memorable freshman football game was against Potosi.  I was an animal on the field and if you did something outside of the rules against me, you could expect that I would return it ten fold.  I was playing nose tackle and on the first snap of the game, the center threw an uppercut and connected with my jaw.  The next play I slap his helmet and it flew off and I got the tackle for a loss of 5 yards.  Third down.  The center threw another punch and he tried to connect with my speed bag.  I jumped back before he hit my junk.  Well I was pissed that he dared to strike at my genitals so I grabbed him and body slammed him to the ground.  Now, the field at Potosi was horrible.  It was like playing on gravel.  I don't think it had rained all fall which was why the field was so hard but it also could have been because the field was right next to a corn field.  When extra points were kicked, players had to scramble through the corn to find the footballs.  Would you like someone throwing a punch at your cock and balls and you aren't wearing a cup?  I never wore a cup during football.  I said it was against my religion even though I went to a religious school that didn't preach against ball protection.  I just could find a cup in which the goods fit.  So the center screamed "Fuck you, you fat fuck!" 
I stepped on his facemask with my massive cleats and stepped up with all my weight.  Whistles blow.  The referee saw me and if he didn't he would have been a blind fool because he was standing right next to us.  15 yards personal foul defense #75 automatic first down.  My coach pulled me out for the next play and said I can't do stuff like that.  I explained about the balls.  "Oh nevermind.  Get back in there but don't get caught doing anything illegal."  This was the guy we called Pit because he was bald and for some reason his head reminded people of roll-on deodorant.
As for greed, well I was wishing that Wisconsin could have the success that Ohio State has during the regular season.  I wouldn't want the Buckeyes' luck during the bowl season because that is flat-out pathetic.  And aren't greed and envy the same thing?  And why is it that I have two commandments for coveting?
Sloth...imagine me, a fat, ugly, straight guy, who is loaded on chicken, potato salad, and half a keg of Miller High Life.  I'm moving very slowly and actually laying on every curb I could find.  I guess that's what you may call sinful.
I burned with wrath as I saw Ohio State fans invaded MY house.  You don't come into my house and wear the wrong colors.  You just don't do it.  But if people cheering for the opposing side didn't wear their clothing Badger fans wouldn't be able to scream "Fuck You! Eat Shit!" at them throughout the game or at least that's why I think they do it.
I guess pride was exhibited in great amounts after the game especially while driving around I had my head hanging out the window singing "Sweet Caroline" and "Varsity" and saying funny things about bullying and legislating self-esteem.
So that all brings me to my church service.  I was sitting there listening ever so gallantly which is near difficult for me with the ADD and all.  The pastor started talking about the book of Ruth and marriage and what not.  I got to thinking about marriage and how I wish I was married.  That may be greed and envy.  I see guys mistreat women and cheat and what have you and that angers me because I don't have that and I doubt I ever will because as mentioned earlier...fat...ugly...loaded on chicken.  I tell guys to appreciate what they have and not just because I will have a shorter life expectancy because I am single but because marriage truly is a blessing.  Of course I'm probably not ready for marriage because I think of sex and marriage.  Then I get thinking of sex and one thing leads to another and I am pitching a tent and of course the lady sitting next to me notices.  I managed through the service but afterward she asks me "What's up?"
"Well the Badgers won which is a great thing"  I said that in a whisper voice.
"That's not the only thing."  And then she got up and left. 
I suppose that is a horrible.  So to cure my embarrassment, loss of voice, and lack of Xanga, I went with my mom and aunt to some apple orchards.  We visited 4 orchards in a 5 mile stretch.  The first two were pretty lame but they were teeming with people.  I was shocked at how much all these places were charging for apples.  At one orchard they wanted $15 for a 16 inch apple pizza.  I was game however it wouldn't have made it home.  They also had free cider samples and free apple samples.  I felt somewhat guilty for enjoying a particular strain of apple called a Dicks Delicious.  One place was charging $20 for a bag of apples and of course this was the largest orchard.  There were hundreds of people there.  The only redeeming quality this place had was that they had free apple slices.  I must have ate about 3 or 4 apples.  So not only am I a fat, ugly, drunk straight guy loaded with chicken, potato salad, and Miller High Life but I'm a fat, ugly, drunk straight guy loaded with chicken, potato salad, Miller High Life and apples.  They also had lock boxes around certain products.  You could "purchase" things on the honor system.  Honor...I have none.  I get erections in church.  The first item"purchased" was an apple cider slushie.  Damn.  It was excellent and for the low suggested price of 50 cents but for the actual price of nothing.  I wandered around and scoffed at the price of apples.  Who the fuck would pay $20 for a bag of apples?  Tourists, that's who.  The place was teeming with tourists.  I sweat one lady was pulling up a flatbed truck for all the apples she purchased.  All these people had shopping carts filled with apples.  Someone asked me if I was going to buy any.  I said that I didn't need apples because I grew my own and that I was here for the slushies.  I wandered around and found another sample stand.  Apple barbecue sauce...not good.  Apple, cherry, and jalapeno jam...AWESOME!  I think I ate half a jar but the stupid thing was that they had pretzels instead of crackers but then pretzels are cheaper.  What the hell is wrong with America when you pay more for crackers than pretzels?  I then saw a sight to behold.  Dozens upon dozens of donuts piled high.  I think I started singing the Hallelujah chorus.  These were no ordinary donuts.  No, these donuts were...and remember where I was...made with apple cider.  Cake donuts made with apple cider donut (see what I did there, I think that classifies as a malapropism) sound that good but they were excellent.  They were asking for 65cents per donut or $1.15 for a donut and a self serve cup of coffee or $1.25 for a donut and a self serve cup of hot apple cider.  Since I was still drinking on my apple cider slushie, I didn't want anything hot to drink.  My donut would be eaten with a cold mouth.  MMMMM for the low price of nothing, I enjoyed a couple donuts.  They were tasty and covered in cinnamon and sugar.  I should have bought a dozen but I'd rather eat them for free. 
On the drive home, I thought about how I was going to write about this on Xanga but I soon thought I shouldn't think about Xanga while driving because two deer jumped in front of the car.  It is getting closer to deer hunting season for me and I have not yet decided if I would walk through the woods looking for a deer to fill my freezer with meat or if I would head to the casino and look for a deer hunting widow.  Decisions, decisions...maybe I should make one of those poll things to see which I should do. 
Today, I was at a funeral of a cousin who died from cancer on Thursday.  It was a blessing because he had just been through hell.  A few years ago he had prostate and bladder cancer and they thought they had it all but fast forward to this past winter, he has prostate cancer again and he is bleeding in his bladder.  He was in so much pain.  On October 4th they told him he had less than a month to live because the cancer had spread to the liver, bones, and points elsewhere.  I was sitting in the same place where the day before I had a massive throbber but this I didn't have that reaction.  I cried.  I don't know why.  I was trying to sing the bass part to "How Great Thou Art" but after I saw his wife break down in tears, I lost it.  That's fucking love and that is what I want yet I don't want to leave someone in that much pain.  Fuck.

Welcome to my mind and madness.  If you made it through that, you get the idea of what my mind is like with the ADD and I've found that as I get older, it gets worse.

The purrfect couple aka my destiny

I felt like Batman in church.  It's a dilemma.

He blamed it on a liberal driving a Prius.

Damn dog got into my stash.

Since everyone talks about plagiarism on Xanga, SOMEONE STOLE MY WEDDING INVITATION IDEA!  But then if you read the above you will know why I will never marry and I'm sure the idea of a Robocop wedding invitation has just scared off any interested ladies.

Do it!  Let's start with Xanga headquarters.  I demand better!

I lost my voice because of the Badgers.

So much for Caturday...it was more like Badger mauling some school named after a nut Day

Oh, I couldn't resist.

Hmmm what to say?  All this talk of Chile and Chilean miners inspired me this evening.  I made a big pot of chili.  Oh it was so tasty and later I expect it to wreak havoc.  My house might collapse on me.  I am finally going to see Avatar.  I checked it out from the library.  There's nothing like being a year late on the biggest movie in the world.  It better be good or I am going to raise hell against all those that told me I should check it out.  Remember some images may not be safe for work or safe for life.  NSFW and NSFL.

Zach Galifinakis posed for a magazine.  I don't know which because well...he shaved his beard.  Maybe he shaved so he could look more womanly.

Here we see Tish, Noah, and Miley Cyrus.  Better look out Lohans, this is your competition.

Miley isn't trying to be noticeable at all.  Soon she will be able to be noticeable all she wants because she'll be 18.

Nobody fucks with the panda...I mean Taylor Momsen.  In the interview with that magazine, Taylor informs us that she's into porn and she really enjoys sex tapes except the Pam Anderson/ Tommy Lee sex tape.  She said she wouldn't have sex with Tommy Lee.  Oh and Tommy Lee better not try to change her mind because Taylor's only 17.  Be careful, Tommy Lee, somewhere Chris Hansen has his eyes on you.

Snooki made a guest appearance on South Park this week.  She's never looked better.  See more at the end.

When you look up the word "classy" in the dictionary, you'll more than likely see this photo of Shauna Sand.  But when I think of classy, Shauna Sand does not come to mind.  Oh well, I'm thinking she's practicing for her next sex tape.

Minka Kelly was voted Esquire magazine's sexiest woman of the year.  I agree in principle however since she dates Derek Jeter I will have to say she's ugly.  Now to be sappy and I will not name names because I can't stand the guy...the women of Xanga are more attractive.

Californians, what the hell were you thinking?  This woman could have been your governor.  Mary Carey would have legalized marijuana for tax revenue, eliminated the tanning salon tax, and socialized plastic surgery specifically breast enhancements.

Lindsay Lohan's current stint is playing out like an I Love Lucy episode.  The Betty Ford Clinic has a strict no caffeine policy but Lindsay needs her Coca Cola.  She's used to waking up in a bathroom stall and going to a vending machine at the rest stop to get her Coke in the morning.  Now, she's committing acts that the best writers in Hollywood can't make up.  Lindsay and her rehab Ethel, snuck out and found that a neighboring building had a Coke machine.  They first tried to climb a fence but Lindsay's clothes got stuck and they were caught.  Another time, Lindsay and Ethel were flagging down people at the fence to have them buy Coke.  Turns out that the person they flagged down was a security guard for the Betty Ford Clinic.  This by far is the funniest thing Lindsay has ever done.  She and "Ethel" should pair up for a comedy show but Ethel is probably one of Lindsay's other personalities.

Here we see Lady Gaga wearing 6 inch heels on a slippery boat deck.  That seems unsafe.  I bet when the coroner is examining the gash in her head from the fall, he will say she's outrageous, provocative, and completely original.

Kim Kardashian posed nude for W magazine.  I don't get this.  A few weeks ago she was saying that she regretted posing for Playboy.  I guess being covered in silver paint in W and being covered in multiple body fluids in her sex tape is OK.
 

Awww...OK I'm sold.

Last Saturday would have been John Lennon's 70th birthday.  It was his son Sean's 35th birthday.  I think that is sort of freaky that Sean was born on his father's birthday.  It's also pretty sad.

We haven't played this in some time.  Guess the ass!  I don't know how I could live without this game.  The other hint...like you looking at the caption, she's a cheater.  It's Leann Rimes.

In an interview with Details magazine, Gavin Rossdale admitted to dating a cross-dresser for 5 years.  He basically said he got all up in her "bush" before he was in the band Bush.  This is what he said, "I think at the outset there was a sort of fear--that was right at the beginning of Bush, and I didn't want it to be part of it. It felt like a cheap shot, so I was like, 'I'm not getting involved.' I've never wanted to appear closed about it. It's not something I've talked about really because it's always been in the glare of a tabloid world. It's just one of those things: Move on. When you're 17, Jesus Christ. I don't think there's anything strange about any form of--you're learning about life. It's a part of growing up. That's it. No more, no less." Then Details asked, "So it was just a one-time experimentation?" And Gavin replied, "Yeah. That was it. You have to know what you like, and I know what I like."  So every guy goes through a phase where they date a cross-dresser?  Oh and if you go to Details' website to read the entire interview the follow up question was about tennis.  Hardcore journalism...FOX News, take note.

Dustin Diamond or Screech as he'll forever be known since he was the only character that was in every single Saved by the Bell franchise.  A few years ago, his house in Wisconsin was almost foreclosed upon so he took to selling t-shirts to raise money.  Enough people bought the t-shirts so he kept the house.  Then he started pro-wrestling on a circuit in Wisconsin and soon he found himself as the champ.  Then of course there was the Celebrity Fit Club scandal and then he almost lost the house again but he sold a sex tape to raise funds.  Well times are tough and Screech is once again facing foreclosure.  He is $279,000 behind in payments.  I guess this means that there will be another sex tape with even grosser things because if I've learned anything from movie sequels it's that monsters in the sequels are bigger and scarier.  Seriously, did they ever teach money management at Bayside High?

Christina Aguilera is divorcing her husband.  People are claiming they've been separated for months and that she already has a new boyfriend.  Hmm a fall divorce must be a new celebrity trend sort of like the suicide attempt to promote a new album or the sex tape to launch an acting career.

Speaking of sex tape, Kendra Wilkinson is splitting with her husband Hank Baskett.  He plays for the Minnesota Vikings and Kendra claims that she can't get any exposure living in the Twin Cities.  The funny thing is she's right.  She would get less exposure than Brett Favre's cock which is really sad.

David Arquette is breaking up with his wife Courtney Cox.  He claims that she is always in his business and is constantly nagging him.  Well, there are rumors that David is cheating on Courtney so I guess that's justified.  Arquette also claims they haven't had sex in four months.  Oh boo-hoo...try being me.  Let's get this straight...Courtney is nagging, a busy body, and doesn't like sex.  I thought women like that only existed in fairy tales.

Ben Harper divorced Laura Dern this week.  A representative for Ben said that he wasn't into her anymore and the marriage was boring and a chore.  What a jerk!  It was a chore and boring...sort of like listening to his music.

Despite all these reports of failed marriages , here's some news about a relationship rekindling.  Andy Richter said that he has signed on to be Conan O'Brien's sidekick on his new show on TBS.   I can't wait for the November 8th premier and neither can Andy since the new job will get him out of the house...finally.

Christina Hendricks posed omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

Carrie Fischer recently admitted that she liked to party on the set of Empire Strikes Back and by party I mean she did hundreds of dollars of coke a day.  John Belushi, who was in the process of kicking the habit, warned her that she was doing too much so that's saying something.  Are you really shocked that people were doing illegal narcotics during the making of the Star Wars movies?  I for one am not.  Think about it, you have a guy dressed in a cape, a talking robot, a bigfoot flying a space ship and whatever the hell Yoda is.  George Lucas had to be on something.  Hell, he had to be on something heavier than coke to think up Jar Jar Binks.

Avril Lavigne was on the cover of my Maxim this month.  Shockingly the magazine isn't a special "I remember the year 2000" issue.  I have to hand it to Avril.  She knows one of my fetishes.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore tweeted that they were in Israel to work on their marriage.  What is so special about celebrities going to Israel to work on their problems?  Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown went there to work on their marriage and he still beat her and they divorced.  Whitney also went there to work on her drug problem but it did nothing.  I think the best thing they can do for their marriage is to get off Twitter and see a therapist.

I thought I would be like Brett Favre and text ladies photos of my junk.  I sent one photo to AnnaLynne McCord and she sent me back this photo.  I'm trying to decide what her reaction is.  Is it orgasmic or did I blind her and turn her into a zombie?

Alec Baldwin has taught me how to get free candy at the movies.  He was at a premier for an independent movie and during the screening he kept texting.  People around Alec were annoyed by the light and sound coming from his phone so they started throwing M&Ms at him.  After he got hit by a dozen, he stopped texting.  Thanks, Jack.

This is a photo of Adam Sandler on the set of his new movie.  It's called So What? Who Cares?: The Joy Behar Story.  Actually it's a biopic about Jennifer Anniston.  No, it's the big screen adaptation of Blossom.  OK, the truth is, the movie is called Jack and Jill and Sandler plays both Jack and Jill.  That will be a guaranteed money maker.  I guess he didn't learn anything from Funny People.

I'm shocked that Aaron Carter is still alive.  He posted this photo on Twitter.  I guess crystal meth is now being used to build muscle.  Who knew?

Look at this photo and tell me that Britney Spears is not voting "yes" on Proposition 19.  Now, if only Lindsay had stuck with weed.

After her appearance on Glee, Britney has started getting many offers to do work on TV including her own variety show.  Hell, the only thing she knows about variety is that Lorazepam comes in 200, 300, and 500 milligram doses.  I would actually pay to watch her do a talk show since she has multiple personalities.  Britney could interview herself, plus have a sidekick and bandleader weigh in on the interview.  That would still be funnier than Lopez Tonight.

Bret Favre is the new Tiger Woods.  More female workers are coming forward saying that Favre propositioned them for sex.  The most recent was a massage therapist.  She claims that Favre eyed her like she was a slab of meat while she massaged one of his teammates.  Favre started contacting her via email and texts asking her and another female masseuse to come over because he had some bad intentions.  The woman's husband confronted Favre but Favre didn't apologize.  He probably won't get reprimanded by the NFL because the investigation will not start until later this year and by the time they make a ruling, the season will probably be finished.  Poor Brett Favre!  He threw a reckless pass that cost the Vikings a shot at the Super Bowl and a few seasons before he threw a careless pass that cost the Packers a shot at the Super Bowl.  Now he's thrown two more reckless passes but these could cost him a marriage.  The next time we see him crying on TV it will be because of a divorce, they aren't cheap.

Video Section:
Here's is Snooki on South Park.

I found this video this week of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly.  I had never heard this before.

Shia Lebeouf sure knows how to fight.  He threw coffee and ran away.  What a tool!

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I may be scarce on Xanga because tomorrow is a huge football game in Madison and I may make a scene at ESPN Game Day and this may be my last post for some time because I am experiencing some computer problems.

1: Type "[your name] needs" into Google search.
2: Type "[your name] looks like" into Google search.
3: Type "[your name] says" into Google search.
4: Type "[your name] wants" into Google search.
5: Type "[your name] does" into Google search.
6: Type "[your name] hates" into Google search.
7: Type "[your name] asks" into Google search.
8: Type "[your name] likes" into Google search.
9: Type "[your name] eats" into Google search.
10: Type "[your name] wears" into Google search.
11: Type "[your name] was arrested for" into Google Search.
12: Type "[your name] loves" into Google Search.

1.  Matt needs to date a midget or something next
2.  Matt looks like The Hulk (so true except I'm not green)
3.  Matt says "Where the hell is Matt"
4.  Matt wants the gloss of another victory. 
5.  Matt does silly stuff
6.  Matt hates cold weather and waking up before noon.
7.  Matt asks Lita to marry him
8.  Matt likes to bend Fiona over and bhukaki her
9.  Matt eats folds jam
10.  Matt wears Prada
11.  Matt was arrested for drywalling his basement without a permit
12.  Matt loves to ride the pole

Here we are another set of links.  I really have nothing to say.  Today was...Thursday.  I didn't get a chance to do much this evening because of a meeting and because of that I wasn't able to make a phone call.  Sometimes I feel like...I don't know, just weird.  Anyway enjoy the links.

1.  There once was a TV show called Kids Say the Darnedest Things.  Well they also write strange letters.  Here's a collection from Huffington Post.  I think the first one is fake because I don't know many kids that could make it through the best date movie ever, The Deer Hunter.

2.  I have been toying with the idea of starting my own blog outside of Xanga...don't worry, I'm not really going anywhere it was just a lead in to this joke...and I've seen that the domain name one choose is very important to the site.  Here is a collection of some of the worst domain names out there.  The good people at Pen Island forgot to hyphenate their name.

3.  I remember years ago, I posted a collection of Jesus figurines with children playing a variety of sports.  There was also a series of paintings of Jesus being with people as they take part in their various activities.  Well someone captioned these photos and we have this collection.  I guess I get a kick out of it because sometimes that is how I feel God sees me.

4.  This is already considered an ancient meme but a while back while promoting that one movie that I didn't see because Rolling Stone loved it, Michael Cera was photographed prancing and it gave birth to the meme Prancing Cera.  I find it difficult not to think of prancing when I see Cera now.

5.  This, by far, is the best email exchange from the people are 27bslash6.  That "bear" looks ferocious. 

6.  Do you ever shop at Amazon?  Do you read customer reviews?  Have you ever noticed some that were horrible and didn't help?  Well this website is devoted to the not so helpful product reviews.  I now know I will never see Wall E for all that damn environmental brainwashing.

7.  I can't remember if I posted this link before but it was in my unused section.  It's another old meme.  Inception was not only a great movie but it gave us this meme, Strutting Leo.  I have posted a few of those before so if you remember them, enjoy.

8.  This is a fun little site for Twitter users.  Type in your screen name and watch people follow you as if you were in a parade.  I enjoy seeing people from Xanga following me, people who have maybe looked at my site once or twice and that was it.  I think there is at least one Xangan following me that for a while had me blocked because I posted some naughty photos.  Little do they know how I use Twitter....mwhahahahahamwhahahaahmwhahaha

9.  A while back I had this strange dream that I had gas.  That may not seem strange but in the dream my gas was so powerful that one night I was sitting at my desk and let one rip and all systems were go and the force from the gas propelled me into outer space.  I think the people at Bottom Rocket got inside my head. 

10.  Want more proof that there is a finite number of songs available to mankind?  Here's a collection of songs that sound the same.  Isn't it odd that most of those are pop songs?  No, not really.

11.  This is one of my favorite webcomics.  I always wondered what Hitler would be like if he were around today and what would he be like if he was a hipster.  Well those questions have been answered in Hipster Hitler.

12.  One of the Xanga blogging topics is about stay at home moms and blah blah blah blah...Here's a collection of very hot homemakers.   Now if I could get one of them here to churn my butter because I could really go for some fresh butter and that's it...pervs.

Word play...I love it.

My neighborhood is getting tough.

I was out driving and snapped some photos.  This was taken on top of a ridge in Wisconsin.  You are looking at my uncle's farm.

This patch of trees and brush was the site of one of my near death experiences.  I was hunting and had shot a deer.  I was trailing it and was very excited because it was a huge buck.  I swear I counted 14 points.  I had to blood trail and was running with my loaded shotgun and it was sleeting.  Well I didn't step on a log correctly and I slipped, gun flies out of my hand, I hit the ground on my back, the gun lands butt first barrel pointed at my head and I hear a click.  It misfired.  I had to change my pants.  I never did find the deer.

This was another patch of forest.  I missed the prime leave colors.  It got cold, they changed to bright colors, I got busy, wind storm comes through and blows a majority down, it heats up and we are now left with primarily brown leaves.

I always love the variety of trees in my area.  That is a pond in the foreground with all the reeds.  I can't tell all the types of trees but I know some are pine.  I didn't take any photos of sumac leaves because I couldn't find any. People must have picked them for smoking.  I'll have to post the rest at a later point.