3
2
1
I am the square peg in the non-Euclidean holes, the itching and burning that no ointment will ever soothe, the safari guide for a landscape that few people know exists, and the kamikaze pilot headed for the vast wasteland of suburbia.
Now, who wants to join me and have fun?
-Compile a monthly calendar of events that include free food (art openings, city council extravaganzas, etc.) and circulate it to hungry people. Better yet, start a website detailing all the free food events. There used to be one called foodboner.org but it mysteriously disappeared. If you are in the Twin Cities, Jimmy John's, Milios, Subway, and Brueger Brothers give away old bread and bagels every night.
-You can approach restaurants and grocery stores as a representative of a charity group, asking for their leftovers. You should be able to gather enough food this way to provide for a number of people—perhaps a free grocery program for a poor neighborhood, or a weekly communal meal in a public place.
-Put glass etching solution on windows of corporations or agencies that need wake-up calls. Bricks cause too much attention. If you want to make a point, use a stencil such as: 
-Learn havoc with magnets. To be part of this you have to know how a fucking magnet works, sorry juggalos.
-Take free envelopes available at Federal Express stores and put them up at random locations such as bus stops, bathroom stalls, corporate elevators, etc. and fill them with maps to hidden treasure.
-Protect yourself from tear gas by holding rags soaked in vinegar or lime juice over your mouth and nose and by wearing swim goggles.
-Get mis-mixed paint at hardware stores for little to no cost. Think of all the fun one can have with paint.
-Free refills at a fast food joint by fetching a used cup and asking for refills.
-Write to companies and tell them that you were shocked by how bad their product was. They will usually send free products or coupons for new products.
-Get free press passes to attend concerts and similar events simply by approaching the promoters as a representative of the media. You’ll probably get more privileged treatment than any of the paying customers. A press pass might also help you to get past security or even cross national borders in an emergency.
-Improve your chances of being picked up and treated well while hitchhiking by dressing in dark pants and a white shirt with a tie and perhaps a name tag—that is, as a young Mormon on mission! Pick up some free Mormon bibles at your nearest tabernacle for authenticity. If anyone asks serious questions, what better form of cultural terrorism than to spread a little fun misinformation?
-Protect your home from police dogs by laying down a thin line of cayenne pepper across each doorway. The dogs will pause to sniff it on their way in, and won’t be able to smell anything else for a while.
-Make a hand warmer by filling a cloth bag with dry beans (and rice, or corn) and microwaving it. It should retain heat for a couple hours.
-Make non-commissioned public sculptures with paper maché by heating three parts water and two parts corn starch until it becomes thick. Let it cool a bit, and apply it to newspaper to make it stick together.
-Go to Walmart, find frozen fish, discard in women's underwear section
-Give AIDS to world leaders attending a UN summitt. The cure for AIDS will be found within days.
-Piss on a plate and freeze it. Then slide the frozen piss disc under doors.
-Release three pigs into a police station with the numbers "1", "2" and "4" painted on their sides.
-Pour talcum powder in the opening of a hair dryer.
-Move everyone's mail down one house to ensure they meet the neighbors.
-Swap the bags inside cereal boxes at the grocery. Super glue them shut. Grapenuts goes well in Coco puffs boxes.
-Be really prepared for tax season this year by taking each and every form home from the post office.
-Never say "I think you have the wrong number." Ask "Are you a friend of the family? I have some very bad news . . ."
- Lab coats are relatively inexpensive, and well worth the respect you are given in hospitals by trusting strangers.
-Black electrical tape covers the little light sensors on auto-flushing toilets really well.
-Print and hang signs saying "Elevator closed, please use stairs" on tall buildings. Do your part to promote exercise.
-Get free cell phone chargers by going to a hotel and saying you left one in your room. They have boxes full of spares
-There are thousands of cards a the Hallmark store. Sign some, just to reach out and say hi to a stranger.
-At Best Buy, hide popular software titles and DVDs in the floor model microwaves. Think of it like an Easter egg hunt.
-Set all clocks you can get a hold of back by one hour.
-Rearrange Nativity Scenes to have a different narrative. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is important, but doesn't have a holiday.
-Put cut live public Christmas Trees out of their misery. Put a cup of salt into the water in their base.
-The Dunn Brothers book store on Lake Street in Minneapolis has a book shelf of free books. You know what to do.
-Many upscale liquor stores have free wine tasting on Friday nights. They also can't sell opened bottles and most just toss them. Check dumpsters for bottles with wine.
-At most bars in Minneapolis one can trade in an AA chip for a free drink but this is very insensitive.
- Silly String makes any movie theater more fun
-Help make Xmas extra special this year. Hang "out of order" signs on all the mall bathroom stalls this December 23rd.
- Leave a forged memo describing the closing / bankruptcy of your office on the office photocopier. Include names/dates
-Get a white cane. Pretending you are visually impaired, use it to cut in line and deliberately bump into people.
-When approaching a group of the opposite sex, always ask out the ugly one.
-Many college cafeterias are lax when it comes to food. Go in and score a free meal. I did this when I went to Twins games.
-When dining at a restaurant, claim to have lost you phone. Leave while staff is searching.
-Graffiti religious schools with tags from other religions.
-You have to understand that you are not special, you are not beautiful or a snowflake. You might think you are special, beautiful and a snowflake but you have just lost the game.
-You must know consider that God does not like you nor does he want you.
-Beat the system to create a new system
Yeah...these are old, what you going to do about it?
Know that in doing this, I do this out of love for you.
We are the squeak in the door of normalcy, the naughty girls and boys throwing coal unto Dante's BBQ, the fart at the board meeting, and the tapeworm in the colon of society.
Recent Comments