Today my heart stopped.  I was washing dishes...I should film and sell it as porn for women...and I saw a new stray cat playing in my yard.  That brings the number to three.  The librarian had her minivan parked on the street and I was watching this kitten playing.  I think it was attacking leaves.  Well it jumped in the gutter and the librarian comes walking by because it's their lunch break.  The kitten gets scared and runs and hides on her front passenger tire.  I am frantically grabbing for a shirt to run out there and tell her to stop but I couldn't move.  My heart stopped and I stopped breathing as the car starts and starts rolling.  The kitten frantically runs on the moving tire in the opposite direction.  She slightly turns the wheel and it jumps down and runs under the minivan and across the street.  This was the fastest I've ever seen a cat run.  As I saw it shaking itself across the street, I started being alive again.  Strange sensation, man.  It was out playing in my yard with one of the other strays this evening.  I set out some food.

I don't know why but trains remind me of your mom.

Brett Favre texted me photos of his massive ego this week.  I tried to upload the pics to Xanga but they were too large.  I actually think Brett Favre's ego made Xanga crash last week.  Oh and I hear that the photo feature for Twitter is hiring which is good for him if he ever decides to retire.  You know he throws pics both on and off field.

Over the course of my life I've learned that you can not count on a person that uses the phrase, "for the umpteenth time" because it is quite obvious that they can't count.  Umpteen is not a number.

Most men don't want to be tied down in a relationship while most women don't want to be tied up to a radiator.  Ladies, most guys don't like that fetish of cuddling after sex...it's gross.  Ladies, want to know how to tell a guy has a small penis?  He will say, "I enjoy the small things in life" repeatedly.  Purchasing a Snuggie is a great way of saying "I plan on staying a virgin forever."  Guys, if you show a girl your O face, she will most likely show you her NO face.  Women are the leading cause of herpes...why you ask...if it was a male problem wouldn't it be called hispes? 

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

 

I think I missed my calling.  I would love to be a gynecologist during the month of October because I could use the phrase, "I'm going to scrape you like the inside of a Jack-o-lantern."  Well I would use it more often than I do now.

My dentist is the 1 out of 10 that recommends Bubble Yum.

I could be a champion boxer if they let Jack Daniels be my cornerman.

I pick the strangest times to chop onions.  Why did I decide to chop onions when the first miner hugged his wife and son?  But seriously, they should have rescued them yesterday since it was Coming Out Day.