I am having a rough night.  I can't get comfortable in bed and I can't get comfortable on the floor.  Maybe I should go outside, catch some birds in a trash bag and punch them so I have a pillow for sleeping on the ground.  No, I'm not that sadistic.  But with my luck I'd probably wake up handcuffed to a jungle gym with dildos duct taped to my hands.

I'm hearing that Brett Favre is going to lose his endorsement deal with Prilosec and Wrangler jeans but the good news is that he is working out a deal with John Hancock.

Sex tips: Guys, you have to be smarter.  Use chloroform as cologne and also never date college educated women, they tend to have opinions and don't like making sandwiches.  Ladies, the only foot job a guy wants is to have his shoes shined.  Guys, when skinny girls fish for compliments when they say "I'm so fat" agree with them.  You'll thank me in the morning and if you say you're fighting off pussy left and right, you're doing it wrong.  Guys, if you truly want to be able to tell if your girlfriend or wife is like your mother, yell "I'm done" after you take a dump to see her reaction.  And if you really want to win an argument with your wife or girlfriend, say "Let's get one thing straight," while pointing at your penis.  Ladies, men love a woman with a brain which is why you need to give more head.  Since this post has taken a strange anal turn, here's my stance on anal sex...I'm behind it.  Finally, the best way to handle a dispute with your husband is to ask your boyfriend to settle it.

Here's a pick-up line that won't be relevant in a year...Are you Chilean?  I heard you like shafts.  But seriously...33 dudes in one hole?  That sounds like a typical night at Paris Hilton's.  I also think they gave them mining tools while they were down there because if you have the time to whine, you have the time to mine. 

If you are a serial killer and looking for your next victim, try a book club.  People who read obviously have no life and therefore no friends to notice they're missing.

And here's your weekly dose of motivation:

This lady was complaining about it being Monday yesterday.  I told her there were far worse things in the world like Lady Gaga being famous.

I met a woman with the most amazing eyes tonight.  How she spotted me without binoculars, I'll never know.

There are many paths we take in life.  I am at a fork in the path and can't decide between sociopath and psychopath.

When I get a laptop, I am going to use it while on the toilet.  My Xanga will become my diaryhea. 

Now excuse me folks while I go make a deposit at the First Bank of Big Dumps...Big Dumps is a town in Wisconsin, pervert.  Actually I'm psyched to watch the baseball playoffs...LET'S GO CUBS!  I can't wait for people to correct me.