Well we are back from a break to answer more of your questions.  Cocky wasn't up to his normal self last week so we didn't take time to answer any questions.

Cocky: Is it true the end is near?
Me: Well, Cocky, the year 2012 is quickly approaching and many think the world will end then.  Also, today there was supposed to be an alien invasion.  It didn't happen but there were UFOs sighted in New York City.  Honestly, Cocky, I don't think we have to worry about the end coming any time soon.
Cocky: Christ, I was talking about an end to your incessant, liberal bitching.  Grow a pair.
Me: As always you are in tip-top shape.
Cocky: No, I'm just drunk.
Me: And now a word from our sponsors.

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Me: Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Locked, cocked, and ready to unload.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I suffer from a disorder called liberalitis.  I cannot help but always speak out against American Government oppression, oppose twisted socialism for the wealthy aka bailouts, I always must speak out in favor of civil rights and against violations of the constitution. Lastly I see the through the transparency of a society that blames the poor and disabled for their plight. I don't think that my autism plays any part in this, other than I can clearly see logical flaws in the right. Should I be worried?
                                          Liberal in La Valle
Me: I don't think you have to worry. Your viewpoints are only unpopular in a society that is inundated with distractions such as Reality TV, ipods, and cheap fast food. Politics and the way of the American Dream have gone South due to people depending on 24 hour cable news morons like Sean Hannity or listening to Limbaugh on TV. It takes someone with SOME sense to realize when things are wrong, but a bigger person to do something about it.
Cocky: Liberalitis is better than A-holeitis. This comes from those who think political posturing and ignoring the fact they are part of the problem is what America NEEDS. I once won a Cockfight in Nashville under the pseudonym El Gallo Guapo. That may have nothing to do with your frustration, but I wanted impress you because of those hot pictures you sent with your question.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am 16 and love reading your column.  My problem is that I want to marry my girlfriend but my parents and her parents won't let us even though we are old enough, love each other, and have been dating for about 6 months.  No one should tell me what I should or shouldn't do in regards to love.  So what should I do?
                                         Groom to Be in Gays Mills
Me: Hmmmm so you say that no one should tell you what to do but you are asking me what you should do?  Honestly, you should wait this one out.  Getting married this young may lead to problems.  How will you finish high school and how will you support your wife and where do you purchase a marriage license and what is the standard tip for the officiant of your wedding?  You may not be physically mature and potentially not mentally mature.  Wait, until your parents deem it OK. Besides that, some states won't allow you to get married that young. 
Cocky: Don't listen to the old fool.  Just watch more of MTV's Engaged and Underage.  That show tells it what is like to be 100% truly in love and I bet all those marriages last.  See the Godfather is a balding, decrepit old man who didn't marry young and now that his body is falling apart he can't find "the one".  If you don't marry now, how can you expect to be a cock of the walk in the bedroom.  I would hate to see the Godfather's future Viagra bills.
Me: Hey, that Viagra is to help the passageways open up in my lungs and help me breather deeper.
Cocky:  Yeah...it may help you do something deeper but it most definitely isn't breathing.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a single mom raising a 16 year old son.  We are having some renovations done to our house and when I was moving things around in his room, I found some of my sex toys.  He has clearly been using them.  If I confront him, he could freak out and never talk to me again.  If I take them back he may freak out.  What should I do? 
                                         Mortified Over Monkey-business in Minneapolis
Me: I don't want to ask how you know that he has been using your toys.  You are probably going to have to sit him down and discuss this with him.  Maybe if he is trying to discover that end of the spectrum of his sexuality maybe you say he can keep your toy but then you should teach him safe sex toy usage.
Cocky:  My suspicion is that you got swept up in the Barack Obama craze and you went out and bought yourself a Head-o-State dildo.  If that is the case maybe you can assume your little shit...it was shit wasn't it...is just celebrating his love of democracy and the executive branch of government.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I run with a tough crowd in high school.  Well a few of my friends didn't like the grades our English teacher gave them.  They decided to get back at the teacher by vandalizing her house.  They did a wicked job.  Now I don't approve of what they did nor did I plan or participate.  I had nothing to do with it but I get along with this teacher and I feel so bad that it had to happen to her.  What should I do?
                                       Ruffian in Rock Springs
Me: The first thing you should do is sit down with your parents and come clean and then suggest that you go with them and tell your school's principal.  You need your parents with you because every kid needs adult representation in the school system.  Tell the principal the truth and let him or her sort it out because that is why they get paid the big bucks and have special parking spaces.
Cocky: Oh my god, turn this poor kid into a narc?  See what you really want to do is tell these friends you have the evidence of what they did and then hold it over them for blackmail or you could possibly drop hints in an essay for your teacher that you know who did the act but will only tell her for better grades or monetary reimbursement.  If none of that works, two words: throat punches.
Me: But whom would she punch in the throat?
Cocky: Don't bother me son, I say, I say leave me be, I'm on a roll.
Me: Yeah, if you would punch someone in the throat, you would be on a roll, a Kaiser roll and you would be chicken salad.
Cocky: Ouch

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What are you up to today?
                                         Planner inPlain
Me: Well, about 6’2”…hahahaha…but seriously, I’m trying to stay cool and safe.
Cocky:  Bullshit…he’s only up to three inches.



Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How has the Simpsons lasted so many seasons?
                                          Simpsons Fan in Seneca
Me: They keep putting out quality material because of great writers and they don’t have a “real” cast so they can get away with never aging.
Cocky:  Bullshit!  They are starting to repeat their own storylines.  The real reason they have lasted so long is the same as how Simpson got away with murder.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the world’s worst pick-up line?
                                         Pick-up Artist in Pewaukee
Me: Cocky, are you ready to unleash your worst?
Cocky: Of course, fruity, I’m always ready to beat you.
Me: Are you from Tennessee? Is that why you're missing teeth?
Cocky: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to stalk you?
Me: Pardon me, do you have an orifice you're not using?
Cocky: Do you know karate? 'Cause I need to know if you're gonna put up a fight.
Me: Are your legs tired? THEN STOP RUNNING FROM ME, BITCH!
Cocky: You’re prettier than a new set of whitewall tires.
Me: Do you want to see something swell?
Cocky: Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck.
Me: And we have a winner

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you guys do to beat the heat?
                                         Hot in Hustisford
Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James.  Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
                                         Indoors Lover in Indianapolis
Me: I am not sure you can. You knew he had this tendency when you married him. People do not give up the things they do just because they get married. No wedding ring has turned a roamer into a faithful husband or a dare devil into a cream puff. I applaud his wisdom in understanding that once he has children these expeditions are history. Children need security. Wives, on the other hand, usually know what they are getting into.
Cocky: Holy shit!  I have to agree with the Godfather.  Once you put that ring on, it doesn’t mean he’s going to puss out and become the Godfather.  You best get to the kitchen and make your man some sandwiches for his trip.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                          Lotto Lover in La Crescent
Me: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess
Cocky: You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or ask us over at Formspring.  Please email me so I can keep making posts like this.  Cocky really needs the attention.

Today my heart stopped.  I was washing dishes...I should film and sell it as porn for women...and I saw a new stray cat playing in my yard.  That brings the number to three.  The librarian had her minivan parked on the street and I was watching this kitten playing.  I think it was attacking leaves.  Well it jumped in the gutter and the librarian comes walking by because it's their lunch break.  The kitten gets scared and runs and hides on her front passenger tire.  I am frantically grabbing for a shirt to run out there and tell her to stop but I couldn't move.  My heart stopped and I stopped breathing as the car starts and starts rolling.  The kitten frantically runs on the moving tire in the opposite direction.  She slightly turns the wheel and it jumps down and runs under the minivan and across the street.  This was the fastest I've ever seen a cat run.  As I saw it shaking itself across the street, I started being alive again.  Strange sensation, man.  It was out playing in my yard with one of the other strays this evening.  I set out some food.

I don't know why but trains remind me of your mom.

Brett Favre texted me photos of his massive ego this week.  I tried to upload the pics to Xanga but they were too large.  I actually think Brett Favre's ego made Xanga crash last week.  Oh and I hear that the photo feature for Twitter is hiring which is good for him if he ever decides to retire.  You know he throws pics both on and off field.

Over the course of my life I've learned that you can not count on a person that uses the phrase, "for the umpteenth time" because it is quite obvious that they can't count.  Umpteen is not a number.

Most men don't want to be tied down in a relationship while most women don't want to be tied up to a radiator.  Ladies, most guys don't like that fetish of cuddling after sex...it's gross.  Ladies, want to know how to tell a guy has a small penis?  He will say, "I enjoy the small things in life" repeatedly.  Purchasing a Snuggie is a great way of saying "I plan on staying a virgin forever."  Guys, if you show a girl your O face, she will most likely show you her NO face.  Women are the leading cause of herpes...why you ask...if it was a male problem wouldn't it be called hispes? 

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

 

I think I missed my calling.  I would love to be a gynecologist during the month of October because I could use the phrase, "I'm going to scrape you like the inside of a Jack-o-lantern."  Well I would use it more often than I do now.

My dentist is the 1 out of 10 that recommends Bubble Yum.

I could be a champion boxer if they let Jack Daniels be my cornerman.

I pick the strangest times to chop onions.  Why did I decide to chop onions when the first miner hugged his wife and son?  But seriously, they should have rescued them yesterday since it was Coming Out Day.

Because nothing fires me up more than ignorance.  I was reading this post about patriotism and how people use the old cliche "don't love it, then leave it".  That ignorance permeates throughout our society and then to have someone say that liberalism has destroyed our country while failing to note that if it wasn't for a group of liberals there would be no fucking United States of America.  Every problem in America is because of "liberals"?  Oh yeah, and also the fault of atheists and non-Christians because Lord knows there are no liberal Christians or conservative atheists.  The problem with America is well...Americans.

Why don't you all just leave this country if you don't like how things are being run and give it back to my people but then our casinos would suffer.  Just shut the fuck up and gamble.

I've often read Penthouse Letters.  Yeah, I'll admit to it.  It stimulates my mind.  Anyway over the years I have realized that some of those letters have to be edited and then some most be fake.  I guess what I've lately been wondering if there are any rejected letters.  How horrible are these letters to Penthouse if they get rejected?  I thought of what they might look like.

Dear Penthouse,
I was stupid and I dropped out of high school.  I haven't had any luck finding decent work.  Thankfully I was hired by a pizza chain as a driver.  I know I've read plenty of stories in your publications about pizza delivery guys that get "tips" from lonely women.  After a few months I thought all those stories were false but then one night all that was changed.  I was dropping off an extra sausage pizza which has to be code for something, right?  The lady who answered the door was pretty good looking despite not wearing any make-up and having her hair in curlers.  I said, "Here's your extra sausage, ma'am."  She took a long drag on her cigarette and then hacked up a bunch of phlegm. 
"Come inside and I'll give you a tip," she said as I nervously entered.  She was wearing a housecoat that covered up everything.  She came back with her hand on the belt of the housecoat and fiddled with it as she said, "Here's your tip."  She handed me the money for the pizza and $5 extra. 
A $5 tip!  I was stoked.  I drove to the local Walgreens and bought a bottle of lube and sat in the parking lot and masturbated furiously because that was the best tip I've ever been given.  Then I returned to the restaurant to deliver more pizzas.

Dear Penthouse,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for months and because he lives with his parents and I live with my parents, we never have time alone.  Finally one night my parents were gone so I had my boyfriend come over.  We were finally going to do it!  I lit candles and made the house romantic.  He finally got there and he greeted me with a kiss.  We were like two animals in lust.  We made it to the couch but before I let him do anything I made him suit up.  I went to go get something to drink and popped a bag of popcorn while he figured out how to tear open the condom package.  Finally he was ready to go.  We started kissing again and he said, "Damn, girl, you are so tight."  The only problem was he wasn't "in" me.  He started humping something but I had no idea what he was doing.  Then he screamed out in pleasure which was followed by a scream of pain.  He had his dick between the cushions on the couch and the condom had got stuck on a zipper in the cushion.  Well as he came all over the underside of the couch, he cut himself on the zipper.  I had to go get him some ice and take him to the emergency room because he was bleeding all over the place. 

Dear Penthouse
I thought this was going to be another lousy Valentine's Day.  A few of my single friends and I headed for the bar for their lonely hearts night festivities.  We were sharing drinks and having great conversation and then I so a blonde glancing in my direction.  She was a knock-out.  Now, I'm not a remotely attractive male so it was strange to have this attractive of a woman looking at me. 
I finally got up the courage and walked over to her and introduced myself.  She said her name was Lola and that she was there all by herself.  She was the perfect woman...small tits, tight ass, muscular arms...she was everything I want in a woman all in one package. 
We found a table in the corner of the bar and we began petting each other.  Her hands worked their way up my thighs and we shared a long and deep kiss.  I knew it was time to head to Lola's apartment. 
Lola opened a bottle of wine.  She poured me a glass and told me to relax and loosen up.  She then said she was going to go change into something more comfortable.  I gulped down the wine and loosened the tie around my neck.  Lola came out wearing some black lingerie and asked if I was relaxed.  I nodded.  She knelt in front of me and unbuttoned my shirt.  She helped me take it off.  She then pulled my belt out of my pants.  I soon found myself sitting on her couch wearing nothing but my boxers.  She then slipped my boxers off.  I was sitting there naked as the day I was born. 
Lola then reached down with her very large hands and gripped my cock.  I was so excited that I emptied my sack all over her hands.  Lola laughed and said I was too excited.  She told me to take another glass of wine and drink it.  Then Lola stood upand said, "Now it's my turn."  That was when I noticed the growing bulge in "her" underwear.

Dear Penthouse,
I totally fucked this one hot chick.

but I thought screw that.  Actually I did find out why so many in my family are pro-choice.  When my mom was 6 or 7, one of her aunts died.  I guess now that I am old, they finally figure they can tell me family secrets.  I learned two major family secrets this year and I wonder what else they have in store for me.  Anyway back to my mom's aunt...she had 6 kids already and found out she was pregnant with her 7th.  She and her husband didn't want a 7th kid so she sought out a back alley abortion.  She died from this.  6 kids lost a mother because of an abortion.  Oh crap...I hope this doesn't start a Xanga trend.  We just got off boobs and I've seen a few anal sex posts which are new.  Please don't blog about abortion.

I am saddened by the Packers' loss this afternoon.  They fell apart in the end.  The penalties really kill the team.  Mike McCarthy has no discipline....EXCUSES!  Well I got thinking about how the Packers played the Redskins and earlier in the week I had read an article about one of the last school districts in Wisconsin that had a mascot referring to Native Americans was planning on changing the mascot to either the "Herd" or the "River Bandits".  Why are professional sports teams allowed to keep these racist names?  Indians and Redskins...to me, that's horrible that they are still allowed but then I am 1/16th biased.  The NCAA made a law that any team with a Native American based team mascot had to have permission from local tribal officials in order to retain the nickname.  If schools didn't comply then they would not be allowed to participate in NCAA sports tournaments.  I can only think of two teams that have Native American nicknames, the Florida State Seminoles and the University of Illinois Illini.  The governing body of Wisconsin high school athletics made a similar ruling.  High schools had to obtain permission from the local tribes to keep the mascots.  Most just changed them regardless.  I can only think of one team that has a Native American type mascot and that is my adopted hometown and they are the Chiefs.  One team I played against football against in high school were called the Red Men.  When we played them I extra adrenaline flowing through the veins.  That pissed me off.  How can a school knowingly have a mascot that can be construed as racist?  Then I figured it out.  The school was a conglomeration of three towns in Wisconsin and they named the school after the first three letters of these towns.  It was called GET High.  Serious.  There are some crazy people in one of those towns.  I found a book by a guy claiming that the Garden of Eden was in western Wisconsin but this has nothing to do with the reason why this area is called God's country.  It was even on the cans of Old Style...brewed in God's country.  I always thought if God drank Old Style, he had poor taste in beer.  By the way, Old Style was my first beer.  I was three years old.  My grandfather, who was a rascal, called me into the kitchen where he was drinking beer.  He said, "Matthew, I have this new kind of pop.  It tastes better than that Mountain Dew."  "OK grandpa!"  glug glug glug glug glug glug..."Wow, grandpa this is good"  OK I didn't know any better.  I was three.  Well soon after I finished the 6 pack...no, just kidding, I only had one...my mom picked me up.  I was potched.  I couldn't walk straight and ended up falling down the stairs.  My mom had no clue what was wrong with me as my grandpa sat sipping his Old Style and laughing at my predicament.  He shouted out, "I hope you can wake him up for church in the morning."  Anyway, I figured out why pro sports teams don't change their mascots.  It's all about the money.


Seethe with anger

The longer I stare at this photo, the more I realize he is one of my former students but the mullet went to locks of love. 

fuck you, Tea Party

Oh, I thought the Packers had me depressed.

So what is the moral of this post?  Stop writing about abortion.  Write about anal sex.  Show boobs.  Find me someone to love.

Did you realize were are two days away from 10/10/10?  That should mean something but I have no clue what it would.  Oh did you realize there are 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays in this month?  That is the first time it has happened in 823 years.   You best celebrate, people.  Once you stop laughing at my nerdiness, read the post.  Remember some photos may not be safe for work or life.  NSFW and NSFL.

Tommy Lee turned 48 this week.  His hepatitis C turned 30.

Tom Cruise gets a lot of crap for his sci-fi pseudo-religion but we often forget he doesn't puss out and use a stunt man.  This is him doing some stunt for Mission Impossible 4.  Do we really need a MI4?  Tom is pretty tough and he sort of reminds me of how this morning I was so brave and brushed my teeth without wearing shoes after I saw a spider in my bathroom.

This image was caught at the Ryder Cup this week.  People are claiming it is one of the best sports photos ever taken.  Maybe it is simply for the guy in the turban and mustache but seriously, I think it would be dangerous getting something white shot at your face especially from Tiger Woods.

Now that he is off Dancing with the Stars, David Hassellhoff doesn't have much to do so this week he stood on an over pass in L.A. and waved to motorists.  The funny thing about it is Leanne Rimes spotted him and sent a message via Twitter.  The Hoff confirmed that it was indeed him.  They really need to hire this guy to be the official greeter for the city of Los Angeles much like Walmart has greeters, L.A. could have the Hoff.  He'd probably do it for free or for a case of beer a day.

Teri Hatcher was photographed on the set of Desperate Housewives.  I haven't seen that show.  Is it about zombies?  Maybe this is for a special zombie apocalypse episode.  Or maybe they are doing an episode about drug use.  Well I'll never know.

Serena Williams took a break from barely fitting into her tennis clothes to barely fit into a bikini while in Miami.  I can't believe they let her wear such skimpy clothes during tennis matches.  It probably distracts her opponents because most of them are skinny like twigs.  I don't think this is fair considering I am banned the Arm Wrestling Championship circuit because my shoulders and forearms were so massive that they made my opponents run and curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the ring.  Women should be held with the same standards as men.

Sarah Jessica Parker is very helpful.  She was pointing out which pizza place the paparazzi should eat at because they have the best pizza.  She also was pointing to an oncoming storm cloud.  Was she really helping the paparazzi?  Well to put it in Sarah Jessica's native language...NEIGH!

I know a lot of you ladies enjoy Ryan Reynolds.  Well I am about to burst your bubble and tell you why you should like an ugly guy like me.  He was taking his wife Scarlet Johannson on a vacation.  First, he's married and I am single.  Me 1 Ryan Reynolds 0.  They rented a car to drive across America.  They didn't even get out of California when they had a flat tire.  Well Ryan went out to change it but he couldn't.  I can fix tires.  Me 2 Ryan Reynolds 0.  They ended up having to call AAA for help.  You know the only vacation I would want to take with my wife would be one that requires only a bed and the replenishing of liquids.  Me 3 Ryan Reynolds 0.  Wait he's much better looking than me.  Me 3 Ryan Reynolds 1,000,000...you may have won this round but the next time you have a flat, guess who's taking your wife?

Robbie Williams was interviewed this week and the subject turned to children.  Robbie said that regardless of the sex of his future children, he hopes they're gay.  I guess that works out for Robbie.  If his daughter is a lesbian, he can steal her girlfriends and if his son is gay then he can steal his boyfriends.  Wow, that would make for some awesome Maury episodes.

Rachael Ray dressed as Jessica Rabbit this week.  I think that look on her should be called an EV-NO-NO.  I really have no clue what this was for.  Maybe she was just luring that guy to go play "hide the carrot".

This is Patrick Schwarzenegger.  Yes, you guessed correctly, he's Arnold Schwarzenegger's son.  Patrick was spotted leaving a yoga class.  I guess he hasn't found his dad's stash of HGH and steroids.  They actually look alike except Patrick has a neck.

Paris Hilton is getting a new show on the Oxygen Network.  Her publicist said that the show won't portray her as a ditsy blonde like The Simple but will focus on her day to day life.  If I want to watch airheads spend money, I'll watch CSPAN.  I think the only thing that can prove she isn't ditsy is if she overdoses.

Oksana Grigorieva did an interview with People magazine and it was pretty sad what her situation with Mel Gibson was like.  She claims he punched her in the mouth and head one night and that he was frothing at the mouth while waving a gun in the air.  She said Mel constantly called her a gold digger but she claims she is having a tough time making ends meet which is why she wanted $100,000 a month for child support instead of $35,000.  She also talked about Christianity and said she forgives Mel and that Mel is very depressed and the only reason he hasn't committed suicide is because he's Catholic.  Hmmm I'm not Catholic but I've studied the religion and I must have missed the papal decree that said turning a gun on yourself is a sin but waving it at the mother of your child is OK.  So Mel is frothing at the mouth?  Looks like he will use the excuse that he has rabies to make this all go away.

Some untouched photos of Madonna from a new advertising campaign were released this week and she was very angry.  Look at her hands.  That is why she is angry.  The surprise has been ruined.  See Madonna planned on doing a new version of Fear Factor where contestants had to stare at her hands.  Madonna said that she looks better than the untouched photos.  Well, yes, Madonna, you do look better as long as you wear gloves.

Lisa Rinna admitted to being addicted to lip injections.  She also said that she hated being made fun of for her lips.  So she is getting reduction and won't be getting any more injections.  You're welcome.  Lisa's face was beginning to look like a baboon's ass.  Now her husband will be happy because when she goes down on him he won't be reminded of the Discovery Channel.

Lindsay Lohan has said that she is paying her $30,000 tab at the Betty Ford Clinic plus she is paying for the extra security the clinic had to get for the paparazzi looking for what she calls a "money shot".  Lindsay must have amazing royalty payments for her movies because I can't recall the last time she actually worked.  Georgia Rule?  I bet what she's been doing is buying all her drugs at bulk discount rates.  So she thinks they are looking for a money shot?  I'm not sure fingers work like that.

Jim Jarmusch said that he had planned a biopic about Iggy Pop and it wasn't given the greenlight.  He said that he originally planned for Elijah Woods to play Iggy but now he says that if he gets the nod for the movie, he'll cast Lindsay as Iggy.  I hate to spoil the fun but Lindsay is booked with rehab then jail then rehab then Twitter then rehab and then jail and then Twitter.

Lil' Wayne is in jail for some weapons charge and this week he was moved to solitary confinement because he smuggled in an ipod and headphones both of which are contraband at this particular prison.  I wonder how he got that in.  Hopefully it was just an Ipod Shuffle.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in solitary confinement but then I see the sky and hear dogs barking and realize I'm free.

Lady Gaga seriously looks like she won a Gargamel transvestite contest award so it is always suprising to hear she has a god complex.  She must have two things in her dressing room: honey and oxygen tanks.  She also demands that her meals be served at 5PM and if not then the venue is in breach of contract.  Also she only eats certain food on certain days and here's the list: Mon–BBQ Night, Tues.–Asian Night, Wed.–Mexican Night, Thurs.–American Night, Fri.–Carving Night (Include Tri Tip & Ham), Sat.–Pasta Bar(Assorted Pasta types, meats, veggies, sauces), Sun.–Turkey Dinner with all the trimmings.  Can we just make one of those days poison apple day? 

Kelly Osbourne has said she is trying to change her image.  First, she lost a lot of weight.  Now she is lasering off many of her tattoos.  She wants to be considered classy and lady-like.  I know the first thing she could do to be considered lady-like...not saying "fuck" every other word and using it as a noun, verb, adjective, and adverb.

Katy Perry was on a German show this week called Wetten Das?  I have finally figured out why she dresses like that.  She is distracting people from her acne.  I know she had it because one night I fapped to watched one of her infomercials.  I'm also shocked that she was on a German show and didn't wear a drindl.

OH SNAP!  Wait...who picked out this outfit?  It certainly wasn't Katy.  It must have been the Amish.  I'm outraged.  Kim Kardashian and Hayden Panattiere sported better drindls last week.  I can't masturbate to this.  You owe me a sex tape.

Karissa Shannon, blowjob innuendos don't work once you release a tape to the whole world that features you giving a beej.  Maybe you can try something new.  How about Cleveland Steamer innuendo?  I don't think any celebrity has done that on tape yet...virgin territory.  Oh and if you want to see the sex tape...CLICK HERE!

MTV has just Punk'd all of us. Just when I thought they nailed the coffin shut on the trucker hat, they have brought it back but this time Justin Bieber will be the host.  I bet someone will go to jail because of that show.  Who wants to take shit from a kid?  If he pulled something on me, I'd pull my glock on him.  Oh and is that Justin sitting on his mommy's lap?  That's so precious.

Toni Braxton declared bankruptcy for the second time in 12 years.  She says that she is in debt $50million.  that is just incredible.  I really can't make jokes about that. 

Frankie Muniz sent this tweet to someone on Twitter.  I really think that the 0 key is stuck.  Maybe he could help out Toni Braxton.

There's a woman out there that is claiming to have slept with Ashton Kutcher.  Why is beyond me but she also claims the reason they slept together was not because Ashton wanted to cheat on Demi but that they have an open marriage.  The trick also claims that Demi selected her and that she watched.  This woman also claimed that Demi joined them a few times.  Demi has advocated giving men head to keep them happy, staying in tip-top shape, and now this.  The science community has a term for women like Demi and that is THE COOLEST CHICK EVER!  What did Ashton do to have this fall in his lap?  God is not fair.  He has half a brain and only uses a quarter of that and I sit alone on a Friday night looking at pictures of women wearing drindls.

Courtney Love posted this half-nude photo on Twitter.  I wonder if she's trying to start a semi-nude photo Twitter war with Coco?  I think Courtney looks like a Craigslist hooker, who passed out at the Ramada Inn after an extra long shift, in this photo.


When you look up the word "demure" in the dictionary, you see these photos of Coco.  I bet if Coco sent these photos in to universities to get into master's or doctorate programs, they would accept her.  And Ice T sits back and knows it.  Someone really needs to capture her beauty in paintings.  Hmmm who here on Xanga paints?  Anyway, I think Coco wins.

I didn't know this but Christina Hendricks smokes.  I guess she picked that up from Mad Men.  Some people have blasted her and said she would look better if she lost 20lbs.  Maybe she's trying to lose weight the old-fashioned way...chemotherapy.  Remember, the only people that are alright to pick on in the world are smokers.

Hey, Bruce Willis, tight jeans are no longer in fashion.  At least they aren't for me.  Maybe Bruce doesn't have the same problems I have in that area.  I have put so many holes in pants in the crotch region because of unwanted shifting.  So Bruce, what's your secret?

Last week I posted a magazine cover of Brett Michaels and I speculated that his abs were photoshopped.  Well this is the unshopped photo.  His abs are the same but he has saggy manboobs.  I guess he has to stay in shape in order to fit into those tiny cubicles to screw the hoes on the rock of love bus.

This is the dumbshit kid on Two and a Half Men.  His name is Angus Jones.  He's 17 years old and at first I thought that might be a son but it is a younger brother.  He just signed a 2 year contract with CBS to remain on his show.  He will be making $300,000 per episode and he received a $500,000 signing bonus.  So with the amount of episodes CBS has ordered, Angus will make $14 million in the next two years.  Damn!  When I was 17, I was making minimum wage.  If this doesn't make you sick, you have no soul.

Amy Winehouse is sober.  Hard to believe right?  She doesn't look that bad.  But since she is sober she has just sunk the illegal drugs economy throughout the world.  The only thing she has to work on is realizing that wearing GAP for kids dresses is a fashion faux pas because they weren't designed for the implants she's sporting.  And she also needs to matching her underwear with her dress.  Light colors never go well with animal prints.  Wow, I should be on Project Runway.  Overall, Amy is making my pants tighter.

A while back, I heard a tale of how a reporter for the New York Jets, Jenn Sterge, claimed that she had proof that Brett Favre sent her nude pics.  Well a website got a hold of said photos that Favre sent her.  He made advances on her but he couldn't read her defense when she said "no" so he sent her photos of his little tackling dummy.  The thing is, how many great romance tales will be written in this day and age that start with, "And then he sent me a photo of his dick"?  There will be no "his dick looks retired" jokes.  If you must...here's the link to the video of all of what's going down.  Even my beloved City Pages is getting on this.

Britney Spears is almost free from living under her daddy's watchful eye.  Her dad is claiming that he thinks Britney is fine to be left alone.  She sure was easy to tame.  Now Daddy Spears should tackle a challenging job...taming Lindsay Lohan.

What is on her neck?  Are they Lisa Frank stamps?  Hickeys?  Did she forget how to vacuum?  I think she was distracting us from the fact that she is in public and wearing a bra.  Hopefully those things wash off before any competency hearings.

Britney is also being sued by a former nanny who claims that Britney didn't paid her wages.  The nanny said that Britney failed to pay her their negotiated price of $35,000 and that was for just one month.  I guess that's not that much considering working for Britney is considered hazard pay.  For $35,000 a month, I'd consider babysitting.  I wouldn't do any worse than Britney.  Also, for $35,000 I'd be willing to leave retirement from modeling but this time I want to model for something other than plus sized hunting gear.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Wellity wellity wellity...I love doing these posts.  I find something funny and you can share in the laughter with me...LOL...yeah...lame.  Oh did anyone see The Office?  Lately I have felt like Andy.  Enough of that, here's the links.

1.  Have you ever sat back and wondered what color the Empire State Building was?  Well this site answers that question for you.

2.  This week I was alerted by several people of this site called "Down for Everyone or Just Me?"  Now, if Xanga acts like crap for you, you can check if other people are experiencing the same problems.

3.  Remember Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World?  Well they are no longer in Aurora, Illinois.  They have moved to England and they were spotted on Google Maps.

4.  This is why America is a hated nation.

5.  And so my Jello Americans, ask not for Jello but go to this website for awesome Jello creations.

6.  If you have time to spare and someone you hate, here's a fun prank you can pull.

7.  And people wonder why FOX News is detested.  Here are some actual screen captures from FOX News.

8.  There are some movies out there that you have to like.  I mean if you don't like this movie then you would be considered a major douchebag and here is that list.  I'm surprised by a few of those titles and of course there is one movie on there that makes me a huge douchebag because I saw it and I hated it.  I won't tell you which because I don't want you thinking I'm a complete asshole.  I mean I really like you and I wouldn't want to hurt us in this stage of our friendship.

9.  I'm a Christian.  I know it's hard to tell from my site.  I used to be an ordained minister.  I know it's really hard to tell.  Thing that have always baffled me about Christianity are the faith healers and televangelists and this link combines the two.  So is he curing people with the word of God or his coat?   Maybe it was Jesus' Nehru jacket.  Oh hell, I'd rather watch the nun with the eye patch.

10.  Speaking of Christianity, here is a book that every Christian couple should receive on the day of their wedding.  I must confess, I once had sexual relations out of carnal lust without the intention of procreation and we didn't do it in the standard, church approved missionary position.  Do you know why Lutherans don't have sex standing up?  It may lead to dancing.

11.  This site may come in handy if you ever find yourself battling the evil galactic empire on the ice planet of Hoth and your vehicle is shot down and you are forced to cut open a tauntaun for warmth from the harsh weather on Hoth.  OK, so maybe that won't happen but it is a website about cutting open animals for warmth and survival.

12.  This is by far the most depressing website I have stumbled upon.  It is a lottery simulator.  You enter in five numbers and a powerball and have the option of how often you play those numbers.  The most I have ever won in the ten year period is breaking even.  Moral of the link: the lottery is a waste but play it because it funds schools.

And if you haven't yet, read about My Balls.

It's out there.  Oh yes, it's out there.

I will no longer drink Sunny D.

That pretty much sums it all up.

I thought since there is all this focus on breast cancer and female Xangans are posting photos of their breasts, I would take a second and post a photo of my balls.

So here they are, my balls:

Like I would really post a photo of my testicles here on Xanga.

This is a story from a few years ago when I had a close call with what I thought was testicular cancer.  I felt a sharp pain in my groin and it went away so I thought nothing of it.  Anyway about two weekends later I was sitting around on a Friday night and I decided it was time for a self-examination of my testicles.  So maybe it wasn't really a self-exam but screw you for judging me.  It's not like you've never done that before.  OK I'm over it now.  I was "examining" and I found a lump on Ol' Lefty.  So I freaked out.  I was so scared.  Something like that isn't supposed to happen to a 25 year old guy (at the time).  I started worrying I would never have kids and I would lose my balls and women wouldn't want a guy who has no nuts and can't produce children.  I had visitors over that weekend and I think I was a little withdrawn from them.  I had a lot running through my mind.  I just couldn't talk about it.  Honestly, who goes up to their friends and says, "Hey, John, I have a lump on my testicle.  How about those Packers?"  I was thinking of going to the pastor for advice but how would I put it.  "Hey pastor, last night I was manipulating the ship's primary firing mechanism and I found a barnacle on the starboard side."  Yeah, like that would happen.  So I went to the doctor while I was at home visiting my family.  While my parents went to the grocery store I snuck out and went to the clinic.  I almost chickened out when I saw the receptionist.  This knock-out blonde...how am I going to tell her I have a lump on my balls?  Well, I told her that I had a skin condition that the doctor needed to check out.  The doctor saw me right away which was odd because usually a nurse pre-examines and a doctor just checks out.  He came in and I told him and he looked at it and said I had a cyst.  I was foolish and just felt the lump and didn't go further into my exam.  He said it wasn't cancer because it wasn't on the testicle.  Yes he pulled my satchel to show me.  He removed the cyst with a scalpel which was a little scary.  So he stitched me up with two stitches and everything was all swell.  He said that it was good that I examined myself and when I found something I went in.  The doctor also said and I quote "It takes a lot of balls to do what you did today." Apparently most guys just shrug it off and it's too late when they find it and they might have to lose Ol' Lefty or Righty.  He also said that I should try to look at this with humor.  Yeah, I thought I wouldn't ever have kids but now I am thinking that the swelling might attract the females.  Guys feel your balls.  It's a serious issue.  I didn't even have cancer and it scared me.   Girls stop thinking about balls and examine your breasts.  Early detection is the key.  Sorry not to just focus on my balls but I do support the fight against breast cancer.  Just remember the words of Tom Green, who lost his balls:

Seriously, check yourself.  God won't strike you down for touching yourself to see if you are in tip-top shape. 

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I am the square peg in the non-Euclidean holes, the itching and burning that no ointment will ever soothe, the safari guide for a landscape that few people know exists, and the kamikaze pilot headed for the vast wasteland of suburbia.

Now, who wants to join me and have fun?

-Compile a monthly calendar of events that include free food (art openings, city council extravaganzas, etc.) and circulate it to hungry people.  Better yet, start a website detailing all the free food events.  There used to be one called foodboner.org but it mysteriously disappeared.  If you are in the Twin Cities, Jimmy John's, Milios, Subway, and Brueger Brothers give away old bread and bagels every night.

-You can approach restaurants and grocery stores as a representative of a charity group, asking for their leftovers. You should be able to gather enough food this way to provide for a number of people—perhaps a free grocery program for a poor neighborhood, or a weekly communal meal in a public place. 

-Put glass etching solution on windows of corporations or agencies that need wake-up calls.  Bricks cause too much attention.  If you want to make a point, use a stencil such as:
-Learn havoc with magnets.  To be part of this you have to know how a fucking magnet works, sorry juggalos.

-Take free envelopes available at Federal Express stores and put them up at random locations such as bus stops, bathroom stalls, corporate elevators, etc. and fill them with maps to hidden treasure.

-Protect yourself from tear gas by holding rags soaked in vinegar or lime juice over your mouth and nose and by wearing swim goggles. 

-Get mis-mixed paint at hardware stores for little to no cost.  Think of all the fun one can have with paint.

-Free refills at a fast food joint by fetching a used cup and asking for refills.

-Write to companies and tell them that you were shocked by how bad their product was.  They will usually send free products or coupons for new products.

-Get free press passes to attend concerts and similar events simply by approaching the promoters as a representative of the media. You’ll probably get more privileged treatment than any of the paying customers. A press pass might also help you to get past security or even cross national borders in an emergency.

-Improve your chances of being picked up and treated well while hitchhiking by dressing in dark pants and a white shirt with a tie and perhaps a name tag—that is, as a young Mormon on mission! Pick up some free Mormon bibles at your nearest tabernacle for authenticity. If anyone asks serious questions, what better form of cultural terrorism than to spread a little fun misinformation?

-Protect your home from police dogs by laying down a thin line of cayenne pepper across each doorway. The dogs will pause to sniff it on their way in, and won’t be able to smell anything else for a while.

-Make a hand warmer by filling a cloth bag with dry beans (and rice, or corn) and microwaving it. It should retain heat for a couple hours.

-Make non-commissioned public sculptures with paper maché by heating three parts water and two parts corn starch until it becomes thick. Let it cool a bit, and apply it to newspaper to make it stick together.

-Go to Walmart, find frozen fish, discard in women's underwear section

-Give AIDS to world leaders attending a UN summitt.  The cure for AIDS will be found within days.

-Piss on a plate and freeze it.  Then slide the frozen piss disc under doors.

-Release three pigs into a police station with the numbers "1", "2" and "4" painted on their sides.

-Pour talcum powder in the opening of a hair dryer.

-Move everyone's mail down one house to ensure they meet the neighbors.

-Swap the bags inside cereal boxes at the grocery. Super glue them shut. Grapenuts goes well in Coco puffs boxes.

-Be really prepared for tax season this year by taking each and every form home from the post office.

-Never say "I think you have the wrong number." Ask "Are you a friend of the family? I have some very bad news . . ."

- Lab coats are relatively inexpensive, and well worth the respect you are given in hospitals by trusting strangers.

-Black electrical tape covers the little light sensors on auto-flushing toilets really well.

-Print and hang signs saying "Elevator closed, please use stairs" on tall buildings. Do your part to promote exercise.

-Get free cell phone chargers by going to a hotel and saying you left one in your room. They have boxes full of spares

-There are thousands of cards a the Hallmark store. Sign some, just to reach out and say hi to a stranger.

-At Best Buy, hide popular software titles and DVDs in the floor model microwaves. Think of it like an Easter egg hunt.

-Set all clocks you can get a hold of back by one hour.

-Rearrange Nativity Scenes to have a different narrative. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is important, but doesn't have a holiday.

-Put cut live public Christmas Trees out of their misery. Put a cup of salt into the water in their base.

-The Dunn Brothers book store on Lake Street in Minneapolis has a book shelf of free books.  You know what to do.

-Many upscale liquor stores have free wine tasting on Friday nights.  They also can't sell opened bottles and most just toss them.  Check dumpsters for bottles with wine.

-At most bars in Minneapolis one can trade in an AA chip for a free drink but this is very insensitive.

- Silly String makes any movie theater more fun

-Help make Xmas extra special this year. Hang "out of order" signs on all the mall bathroom stalls this December 23rd.

- Leave a forged memo describing the closing / bankruptcy of your office on the office photocopier. Include names/dates

-Get a white cane. Pretending you are visually impaired, use it to cut in line and deliberately bump into people.

-When approaching a group of the opposite sex, always ask out the ugly one.

-Many college cafeterias are lax when it comes to food.  Go in and score a free meal.  I did this when I went to Twins games.

-When dining at a restaurant, claim to have lost you phone.  Leave while staff is searching.

-Graffiti religious schools with tags from other religions.

-You have to understand that you are not special, you are not beautiful or a snowflake.  You might think you are special, beautiful and a snowflake but you have just lost the game.

-You must know consider that God does not like you nor does he want you.

-Beat the system to create a new system

Yeah...these are old, what you going to do about it?
Know that in doing this, I do this out of love for you.
We are the squeak in the door of normalcy, the naughty girls and boys throwing coal unto Dante's BBQ, the fart at the board meeting, and the tapeworm in the colon of society.