I never realized people liked these posts so because a certain Xangan has went on strike until I post some links, I guess I ought to post some links.  It took me a while to find these so I hope you enjoy.

1.  I'm a little late with some of these links but because I actually decided to participate in the holiday season I didn't have the time to post all of these.  Anyway, here's a collection of questionable Hanukkah products.  I can't stand the inflatable decorations of any holiday.

2.  If you're like me and god I hope you're not, you enjoy comedy.  Wait, I'd like you to enjoy comedy because if not then you would have no use for me.  OK, if you want to find a present for me, Huffington Post has an excellent gift guide for people like me.

3.  I found this link after Christmas Day Caturday.  I wanted to post the photos but I couldn't so check out cats telling The Night Before Christmas.  What is this water-like substance flowing from my eyes?

4.  Are there any guys out there that just got married and don't know what to get the wife for your first Christmas present as man and wife?  The Mustang Core is way better than the Shakeweight.

5.  I'm a nerd and I often find myself wishing I could decorate my house with Star Wars or Dr. Who themed Christmas decorations.  Well, now I no longer need to wish because here are some do it yourself decorations.

6.  And if you are into making gingerbread houses, try to make one realistic, like this gingerbread crack house.

7.  This is the best fucking site to get your fucking stationary.

8.  This is a fun little site a Xangan turned me onto.  It's called Guess Her Muff.  See they take a normal photo of a woman and then you guess what her muff looks like and then you click to see if you were correct.  How awesome is that!  Thank god for alcohol lowering inhibitions.  And if you couldn't guess, NSFW...sorry I have a fetish for naked ladies.

9.  This is a list of the top 10 retweeted tweets on Twitter this year.  Some of my tweets were better than that, not to brag.  Who could resist my live-tweeting of watching this goddess pick her nose?

10.  The snow is disappearing here because it is unseasonably warm but I can guarantee whatever we lose in the past few days, we'll regain come February.  Anyway here is a collection of snowmen that you won't see that often...unless you come to my house when it snows again.

11.  Much like these kids, I hated visiting Santa.  It's just a strange concept for people to willingly place their children in a stranger's lap and to have the children whisper what they want.  But I have to save this site in case anyone ever wants me to play Santa.  I think I will model myself after #10 or #14 or even #15.

12.  And now, the greatest website I have found in 2010, a site titled THE RESULTS ARE IN!  It's a collection of gifs, photos, and videos of the Maury Show.  When I first found this site, I think I spent hours going through every post.  ENJOY!

I got myself a new toy for Christmas...I got a new printer and scanner.  I also found a photo album containing some photos of my grandfather.

GrandfatherofGodfatherofGreenBay?


Not only was he an expert hunter and fisherman, he also was the youngest business owner in Wisconsin in those years.  He was a sought after harness maker and so many people associated with horse races demanded his products.  He also raised beagles.  And he had a magnificent pompadour. 

I also got myself a cheap digital video camera.  If only I could get myself a better cameraman.

And here is the only photo I could find of myself...

It was a sports card my parents had.  So many years ago and so many torn knee ligaments ago...sigh.

A few days ago on Beef Gravy's site, he talked about his dislike for the Confederate flag.  I don't so much hate the people that display the flag but I hate the meaning behind it.  That was a symbol for people who raised arms against the United States.  I hear people say that it is a part of Southern culture but sadly included slavery and sedition.  Well there is a flag from my culture that maybe I should fly even though slavery and atrocities are associated with it.

I'm German and this flag is part of German history so therefore you should respect my desire to fly this flag even if it brings up memories of pain. 
Maybe it's the swastika that's so offensive to people even though it is a Hindu symbol for good luck and peace and was clearly seen in the center of the Metrodome roof.

But then maybe that's why it collapsed.

They look like a racist bunch.  Oh wait that is the Edmonton Swastikas women's hockey team.

I always knew they were up to some crazy shit out at the Corn Palace.
But when people see the swastika they think of this:

OK history students, what's wrong with one of these photos? 

Here's a list of why we should fly the Nazi flag using the logic of why people want to fly the Confederate flag:
1.  Much like the Confederate flag, it's a part of our history. We need to embrace history so we don't repeat it.  I am a student of history and when Obama was elected I about ejaculated all over my TV when I heard governors from Southern states talking about potential secession. 
2.  All the bad things associated with the flag happened in the past to people who aren't me so who cares, get over it and it shouldn't be hidden.
3.  It's just a piece of cloth.
4.  It represents freedom of speech and I have freedom of speech to fly it and if you're offended that's your problem.
5.  It reminds us that people died for their ideals.
6.  Obama's election could be a rallying cry for more flags and this could create jobs and boost the economy.
7.  It's a symbol of pride.  I am proud to be white and German.
8.  The Nazis had multiple flags so disallowing one is stupid.
9.  It's a rallying symbol for people who think alike.
10.  When I see the flag I think of my homeland and ancestry
11.  It's just a symbol used on a TV comedy show so it can't be that bad.
12.  It represents my struggle against reverse racism.
13.  To some people, the American flag represents genocide.

What is the harm of this flag?  It was clearly part of culture and history. 

I remember going on a date with this girl a couple of years ago.  She brought up her ex which raised a red flag...LOL...she said how she felt he was unjustly persecuted in this area because he was from Alabama and flew a Confederate flag in his truck and front yard.  I asked if he was a racist.  I know I stereotyped the guy and she called me on it.  She went on to say how he stuck up for his Southern pride but that didn't mean he was racist or that she was.  Eventually she started talking about how she even bought him a Confederate flag at a social gathering.  I asked her what type of social gathering it was that they attended. 
"A Klan rally." 
"Was he a member of the Klan?" 
"Yes."
"Did his use of the flag have anything to do with him being in the Klan?"
"No, his hatred of niggers has nothing to do with the Confederate flag." 
There was no second date with that lummox.

I guess this all makes me wonder why we are even debating flying another country's flag in the United States.  I have issues with this in the small town where I live because for a week every year it turns into a Czechoslovakian village and people fly the Czech flag.  Why the fuck are we flying a Czech flag, a Nazi flag or a Confederate flag when we are citizens of the United States?  I want to don my brown shirt and march through the streets demanding appeasement that they fly my flag.  If we fly the Confederate flag because we want to remember the people who gave their lives for their ideals then we should fly the Nazi flag because I and probably most of the people of German descent had German relatives die in the name of their flag.  I had one relative who managed to live through the war while serving at a place called Buchenwald but after the war he was sentenced for following orders and was executed for being a soldier loyal to his cause and flag.  I only know this because of the shame I feel.  In no way am I proud of this.  Why should I be proud of family members who said, "Ich schwöre bei Gott diesen heiligen Eid, daß ich dem Führer des Deutschen Reiches und Volkes Adolf Hitler, dem Oberbefehlshaber der Wehrmacht, unbedingten Gehorsam leisten und als tapferer Soldat bereit sein will, jederzeit für diesen Eid mein Leben einzusetzen"?  Why should I be proud of family members who fought for their racist ideals?  Why should I be proud of a family member who oversaw the extermination of a race of people?

So what am I saying?  Just because you are from the South it doesn't mean you should be ashamed of your region's past but be aware of what people see in your flag.  I hate to see a Confederate flag because my family fought for the Union but then the victors right history, don't they?  If the Germans can still fly the Nazi flag over the capitol in Berlin, then people should be able to fly the Confederate flag and Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane ought to teach those Duke boys a lesson for ruining a perfectly good Dodge Charger but right after Colonel Hogan teaches Kommadant Oberst Klink a lesson...seriously, how did a comedy set in a Nazi prison camp last 168 episodes?

Maybe if the Confederate flag apologists displayed their flag like this...just saying.
Oh and if you want to see what one of my family members is up to these days, visit him at his site and realize I can't attend family reunions because of this guy.

Here we go...oh my culture post will be delayed so bare with me...that's right, tits or gtfo.

I am really hating how I can never find anything when I need it and then the police find it when I don't need it and call me a bad father.

Sex and Relationship Advice:

I went to the theater today and was severely disappointed to see that Little Fockers was not midget porn.  Then I was going to go see Tron but I realized I wasn't a virgin living in my mom's basement.  I decided on the Chronicles of Narnia because I'm a virgin that lives in his mom's upstairs and has daily Bible readings.

How the hell does Carson Daly keep getting work?  Hasn't he died an excruciating death from AIDs yet?

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

If Poland had dance flash mobs in 1939, they would have held off the Nazis.

My hand is such a whore but that's only because you can't love someone unless you love yourself.

If my math is correct, the cast of 16 and Pregnant could be on another MTV series in a few years called 30 and a Grandparent.

I don't think it's fair that when women gain weight their boobs get bigger but when men gain weight our boobs get bigger.

I am willing to put money down on the fact that Oprah and Tyler Perry is the same person.

Why doesn't Scotch tape get me drunk?

Our society isn't progressing like so many people think.  It's almost 2011 and there are people out there that refuse to tolerate lactose.

I really didn't know what to put for a title because it's just another photo dump.

This wasn't the nose picking girl I saw but that is so...not hot.

I never saw Scrubs and I don't think I'll ever watch.  Zach Braff is such a creep.

He will be greatly missed.

Game of the year, right there.  I play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and try to get my character dressed like a cop and then I get him as big as I can.  Then I steal a cop car and pretend Carl went mad after Steve Urkel destroyed his house one too many times.

I do say, good gentle lady, wouldst thou give me a kiss.  It shall be an electrifying experience.

And grandma wants to get run over by the rest of the party.  This is why I don't go to family functions.

Picnic Table is one of my favorite punk bands.  I wonder if anyone will actually understand that one.

MMMM taste the rainbow.

Just for further reference, TSA is not required to give it a lick to check for bomb making materials.

Your mind has now been blown.

The whole time I watch Finding Nemo, I kept thinking that they would be delicious.

How to properly save some one from a burning building and win $20,000 and a shot at the heavyweight championship.

LEGO...helping us reenact all of life's tragedies.

Playing games with Jules Winnfield isn't that fun.

I'm thinking of turning this one into a Christmas card and sending it out to my family next year.

I read a post today about how people didn't like it when people said the rebel flag was a symbol of hatred but it was a symbol of culture.  I was thinking of doing a post about a symbol from my culture.

Yeah, I totally should do that post.

Who knew carrots could be so fun?

Until next time, keep it real Xanga.

(I wrote this two years ago.  The aunt who gave me the present in this piece died this past winter so I guess this is a bittersweet memory but I will always remember how much she cared.)

We all know the old saying surrounding Christmas: "It's better to give than to receive."  However true that saying may be, there is a part of me that craves Christmas presents.  I always love getting "toys" be it electronics, tools, stuff for my car, movies, music, books, or actual toys.  Then there are they things I don't care for such as school supplies, clothes, socks (although this year my parents found me some thermal socks in my size so I am pleased), and ties.  One year of teaching at Christmas, I received 25+ ties from my students. 

I was watching "A Christmas Story" yesterday morning and the scene that always makes me laugh no matter how many hundreds of times that I have seen it is when Ralph receives the bunny suit from his aunt.  He then is forced by his mother to don this pink outfit and model it for the family. 

This scene always reminds me of the one gift I received that still makes me cringe.  When I was about ten, I had just gotten a pet cat.  For some reason one of my aunts thought I had a pet dog.  She usually sent me the coolest presents but this year she tried something different.  She was going through a phase of making her own clothing or buying clothes and "bedazzling" them but necessarily with rhinestones.  I was set to receive one of her projects.

Christmas Day morning comes and I run for the Christmas tree to see all the wonderful presents that Santa brought.  Yes, Santa.  I knew better but every year my mom hides the presents and labels everything I receive from her and my dad as being from Santa or my cats.  The tradition was that I opened the presents from my family first.  So I am clamoring for my one aunt's present because they were always the coolest.  My dad fishes out the present and hands it to me.  I rip away the paper at light speed and undid the tape holding the box shut.  Then...my heart sank.

I looked inside the box.  A sweatshirt?  Was this some sort of sick joke?  I hold it up and shake it hoping something cool would fall out.  No such luck.  My mom looks at it..."A SWEATSHIRT!  WOW!"  The front was facing me.  My mom asks, "Is there anything on the front?"  I am shocked and my Christmas is falling down around me.  I look in horror at the front.  I turn it around to reveal the front to my parents. "OOOOOHHHH!!!! A Scottie dog!  How cute!"  I am near tears.  My dad says, "Go try it on." 

I walk to the bathroom in disbelief.  I hear my parents talking about how lucky I am to get such a pretty sweatshirt.  I look in the mirror and I am in this walking comatose state.  I look at the front.  The Scottie dog was mocking me.  It was sewn on by hand.  My aunt couldn't have just sent me a nice blue sweatshirt, NO, she had to sew on a fuzzy Scottie dog.  It just looked at me and laughed at me for expecting a cool present.  A fuzzy Scottie dog.  How is that possible when we told her repeatedly that we just got a cat? 

Like a trooper I put on the sweatshirt.  I walked out and showed off the sweatshirt along with my utter contempt for this horrible present.  My mom is squealing about how cute it looks on me and my dad is talking about with such a great sweatshirt like that, he will be able to keep the furnace turned down the rest of the winter.  Tears start flowing out of my eyes and I collapse.  A panic attack or maybe it was just an overload of contempt.

I took off the sweatshirt and threw it under the tree and then proceeded to open my cool presents.  After all the presents were opened and I was in a state of orgasmic bliss from my new MASK, Ghostbusters, and G.I. Joe toys, my mom told me that I should call my aunt to thank her for the sweatshirt.  Knives through my heart.  I made the call and I should have been nominated for an Academy Award for saying how much I loved the sweatshirt and how much I loved Scottie dogs.  I hung up and thought that I would never have to worry about that sweatshirt ever again.

A few days pass and it's time for school to resume.  My dad asks if I want to wear my new sweatshirt to school.  I say, "No, I don't want to ruin it and we have spaghetti for hot lunch so I don't want to stain it."  So I wear my regular school clothes.  School went by and we all had fun talking about all the new toys we received.  I got home that night and all hell broke loose.  My mom was screaming about how I didn't wear my new sweatshirt to school.  I said it wasn't cool and Scottie dogs were for "fags" (little did I know what that word meant in third grade).  My mom said I was wrong.  She made me wear it for that evening's activities, Lutheran Pioneers.  Lutheran Pioneers is my church's version of Boy Scouts.  See, our church is against the Boy Scouts because of their policy on believing in a "god".  Please don't comment about that.  I was just a little part German boy following orders.

For being a Lutheran organization, you wouldn't expect kids to make fun of you for a sweatshirt, but they did.  I walk down with the pastor's son and he ran away from me to get to a table of our classmates and the pointing and laughing began.  Scottie dog sweatshirt!  HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????????  I tried to tune it all out but it was horrible.  We had our devotion which gave me a brief respite from the ridicule of this ridiculous sweatshirt.  Then we had to walk past the Girl Pioneers and the laughter was worse.  No more kissing underneath the jungle gym for me all because of a stupid sweatshirt.  After two hours the ordeal was over and on the ride home I was crying and thinking the world hated me and that the only way I could continue life without dying was to transfer to a new school. 

The next day at school my friends greeted me with, "Hey, did you walk your dog last night when you got home?  What do you feed it?  Did you name it?"  I screamed an obscenity I learned from my father and threw a Bible at one classmate.  The teacher took me to the principal's office where I had to explain myself as the principal who sat there behind his desk smoking his pipe and as I suspected was trying to hold back the laughter at my Scottie dog sweatshirt.  The only advice he gave me was to never throw a Bible at someone.  He called my mom and she came and got me.  I told her how everyone hated me now because of that stupid sweatshirt.  She then said that I wouldn't have to wear it outside of the house.  I buried it in my closet not to see it until 8 years later when my parents moved.

So this brings me to my question:  What is the worst Christmas present you have ever received?

that Christmas Day was Caturday...

That pretty much sums it up.

And now mine...

I will be back with a post I wrote about Christmas a few years back.

Yeah, it's Christmas and I am doing this.  It sucks being alone.  I can really understand why they say that Christmas is the most depressing time of the year.  Last night, after I set up my mom's Christmas present, I noticed my leg had swollen.  I thought nothing of it because I had done a lot of strenuous activities yesterday.  I fell asleep trying to watch Der Untergang because that is a great holiday movie.  I woke up and could hardly put any weight on it and I winced in pain.  The more I tried to walk the more painful it became.  I go to the hospital and they wanted to keep me to drain the leg, the same leg that years before was bitten by a spider and the venom ate away all the muscle tissue in that area.  Anyway I said no, came home, poked it with a sterilized need and watched it drain.  Fun times.  It's back to normal as I type but then I wonder if you read this.  Some images are not safe for work or life.

Vince Vaughn and his welcomed a daughter into the world this week.  They named her Locklyn Kyla.  Are they inspired by the Loch Ness monster?  A casino in Laughlin, NV?  Maybe Vince is already planning for his career after acting because we are getting fed up with him planning the same character in every single movie except Rudy and Psycho.  I bet he's going to open a dance studio with his daughter when she gets older and they'll call it Pop and Locklyn.

Vanessa Hudgens celebrated her birthday at Pure in Las Vegas.  Here we see her showing off one of her great assests and saying to her exboyfriend Zach Efron, "Hey, you can't be in this anymore while you pretend I'm a guy."

No wonder Zach Efron loved Vanessa, he was totally into bears.  Is it me or does she look like a werewolf prostitute?

Tracy Morgan had a kidney transplant.  His other kidneys had started to fail because of his diabetes.  Hey he and my dad have a lot in common...diabetes, kidney failure, shout nonsensical things, at one point in their lives were affiliated with a political party.  The writers of 30 Rock plan on writing Tracy out of the show while he recuperates.  The early plan is to say that his character had a breakdown.  That shouldn't be too difficult because his character on 30 Rock is pretty much how he really is.  The thing I am most concerned with is who performed the surgery.  Whoever it was, they will have to take a pregnancy test. 

Here is the photo of Tony Romo taking a knee and proposing to his girlfriend.  If only he was proportionally good on the football field to all the coverage he gets in the media.  Even though he's from Wisconsin, I can't stand the guy.  Hell, Senator McCarthy ranks higher in my books than Tony Romo.  Oh and Cowboy fans, how does this photo look?  It's one of the only handoffs Romo hasn't botched in quite some time.

Katie Holmes was spotted celebrating her 32nd birthday this week with Tom Cruise.  I don't know why but when I look at this photo and consider that Tom is getting pretty old for action roles and since he can't act his roles will be limited he could make a pretty good leprechaun either that or Katie is from my gene pool.

Here is a shot from the set of the next Twilight movie.  They were shooting in Brazil and were preparing to film a sex scene in which Robert Pattinson's character has aggressive sex with Kristen Stewart's character.  These two are dating in real life so Robert did the thing any guy would do when asked to have sex with his girlfriend.  He asked if he could get a body double.  He claims he didn't want to hurt Kristen.  They eventually shot the scene and she was OK but afterward as a joke she showed him bruises that were actually make-up.  Robert broke down in tears and she had to console him.  Of course he was scared to have sex with her, she doesn't have a penis.  If a guy doesn't want to inflict some pain on his woman in the sack is either gay or they haven't been dating long enough or they aren't into anal.  OK and let the hate mail come in. 

Phil Donahue turned 75 this week.  I used to enjoy this guy.  He always came on when I got home from school.  I watched Donahue instead of cartoons.  How awesome is that!  Caller from Dayton, OH...you're on.

Paris Hilton unveiled her new Moto GP team this week.  That bike looks like a Confederate flag as seen through Barbie's eyes.  This is a great idea.  Just because the odometer on her vagina has been reset a few dozen times doesn't mean she knows about racing.

And to make sure Paris gets the idea...she's spending Christmas in Maui.  What does Paris Hilton have in common with that pail?  They both can contain crabs.  The diameter of their opening is the same.  The both scored the same on the SATs.  The both cost the same.  OK I'm finished.


THE OUTRAGE!  New scandalous photos of Miley Cyrus were leaked.  The strange thing is, I asked Santa for a hillbilly girl to act like she's a lesbian.  Then the other...the mouse isn't happy.  She looks like she's posing with the buffet at Clay Aiken's after party.  You know, that first one...I hear that is how lesbians have sex.  They pretend to lick each others breasts.  When people asked me for my comment, I said, "Aren't we on the verge of nuclear war in Korea?  Oh and what about that serial killer in New York?  Is Aaron Rodgers fully recovered from his concussion?"

Here we seen Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green in Hawaii.   I have a hard time calling him Brian Austin Green.  He will always be David Silver to me.  This brings me to a new topic.  Celebrity couples have nickames like Brangelina, ScarJo, Bennifer, TomKat.  So what do we call this couple.  I was thinking Silver Fox but that's already Anderson Cooper's nickname.  How about Thumbs and the Luckiest SOB in the world?

Mary Kate Olsen is braving the flooding in southern California.  Hopefully Noah will pick her up in his ark because the world needs whatever it is she does.

This is Lisa Robin Kelly.  She was arrested this week for DWI.  You're probably wondering who she is.  She was somewhat on That 70s Show.  She played Eric's older sister, Laurie, you know, the one with the tail.  Since that show went off the air it looks like she's had a tough time but then that's true for most all of that cast.

Lindsay is in some trouble.  First she's turning me on by going braless.  Focus.  She claims she has a stalker and needs to be moved to a new facility.  Turns out that Lindsay knows what she's doing because this secret sober living facility is a party house where the inamets were partying up like Lutherans at a worship conference (if you want to know, ask).  No one witnessed Lindsay partaking but I'm shocked.  Last year she'd be snorting coke, injecting battery acid, and getting ritualistic piercings.  The sober Lindsay only sips vodka.  A staffer at the clinic demanded Lindsay take a sobriety test because Lindsay was out past curfew and the staffer knew she was at this "party" but Lindsay pushed her aside.  the staffer then grabbed Lindsay and claims that Lindsay punched her.  People are saying that Lindsay has already worked up her excuse.  She claims that this particular staff member has hated her from day one.  So forget a staff member hating her, Lindsay violated terms of her probation so why isn't she in jail?  It's not like this staffer is a homeless drifter that handed me an Urge cup and told me to pee in it while I was standing in line at the Kwik Trip.  And to think she almost made it through rehab without anyone pressing charges against her or did she?  The staffer is no longer interested in pressing charges.  She told the authorities to move on to more pressing concerns like who is leaking all these Miley Cyrus photos.  So I wonder if Lindsay's parents gift wrapped the hush money.

You know, when I go shopping wearing nothing but a coat and fishnets, I get arrested.  Oh, Lady Gaga is wearing nude color underwear.  Maybe that's why I get arrested.  It's so embarrassing. 

So is this porn for grandpas?  What is Lady Gaga wearing?  More importantly, why is a random woman grabbing her breast?  I have to say I enjoy Gaga's reaction, it's like "You grabbed my titty, no biggie."  Now if I were to do that.  The world hates me.

Kate Gosselin and her children ran up the Rocky Steps in Philadelphia for a scene in the reality series which if you watch...STOP!  We must stop so they will go away.  If you thought that Kate would let her kids win a race to the top to help build their self-esteem, you'd be dead wrong.  I'm surprised she didn't try to trip them to ensure her victory.

And that crash was all the teenaged girls' hearts crashing to the floor after they saw Justin Bieber walking with 18 year old Selena Gomez.  I'm shocked that some girls haven't phoned in to the police claiming that she is a pedophile.

Johnny Weir is now making music.  His first album dropped this week and the sound can best be described as unicorns farting bubbles of glitter.  Why doesn't he stick to what he does best?  Being an underachieving Olympic athlete who judges washed-up celebrities attempting to ice skate.

Hugh Hefner was spotted dining with his girlfriend this week at a sushi restaurant.  The funny thing about this is that Hugh brought his own food, pork chops, to the sushi place.  Some people would think that Hugh is going senile if he has to bring his own food to a restaurant.  What they don't know is that Hugh hates sushi because that was all he had to eat after his father went to go fight the North at Gettysburg.  DAMN YANKEES!

Wow, Demi Lovato is really effed up.  A person from her tour said that her uncle would stand guard outside her dressing room or tour bus while she had sex with random people after her performances.  Also there is a rumored sex tape floating around featuring Demi with a variety of people.  PornHub has also asked Demi to sign a contract so she can do exclusive sex tapes for their website.  Wow...tour buses, coke, punching girls, sex tapes...all that's missing is a gigantic penis and tattoos and she'd be Tommy Lee.

Courtney Love posted these photos a few weeks ago to show off her new tattoos.  She posted this when I was absent.  Aren't you glad I didn't post this photo while I was away from Xanga?

You can almost hear the material in Coco's dress begging for mercy.  I don't know why but I have the strange desire to see her ride a bike wearing that.  I must listen to too much Queen.  Anyway...Merry ChristmASS.

This tattoo should be in my terrible tattoo posts however it's here because it belongs to one of the people on 16 and Pregnant.  Amber Portwood recently got this tattoo.  She claims that the tattoo shows commitment to her daughter Leah.  Ummm...wouldn't saving the money for emergencies or establishing a college fund be a better commitment?  This is the same person who has recently admitted to leaking false stories about a pregnancy in order to garner attention.  This is the same mom who lost custody of her daughter because she assaulted the father on camera.  This is the same mom who can't drive her daughter to any appointments because she has a suspended license.  Thank you, MTV...THANK YOU!  I don't care if the baby is cute or not, I am amused that Amber is stuck with that ink for life or until she releases a sex tape to make money for laser removal surgery.

Well that is it for this week.  I hope all of you have a merry Christmas.  You know, I just opened my front page and saw that I only had one friend online.  LOL!  This really does suck.  Enjoy the people you are with and do not take them for granted.

December 23rd...Festivus for the rest of us.  Festivus was created by Frank Costanza.  It is celebrated as a response to the commercialization of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.  Legend has it that Frank was shopping for a Christmas present for his son George.  Georgie wanted a particular doll that year and he spotted the specific doll on the shelf but it was the last doll in stock.  Just as Frank had grabbed the doll another man tried to take it away.  Frank started throwing punches and as he was landing lefts and rights on the man, who took what must have been one hell of a doll, Frank realized that there had to be a better way.  As he stood over a bloody man and destroyed doll, he thought there should be a holiday for those who don't believe in the commercial aspect of the holidays and Festivus was conceived. 

To celebrate Festivus, practitioners display an undecorated aluminum pole.  The lack of decorations and pine stands in direct opposition of commercialization and the pine tree industry.  Another reason why the pole should be bare is that Frank Costanza is distracted by tinsel.  As people gather around the pole the Festivus hymn, "Gather Round the Pole" is sung.  Dancing is strictly forbidden because of an early celebrant made these little kick motions while she danced and she knocked over the Festivus pole. 

After the hymn is sung, people gather around the table to eat a traditional Festivus feast.  The original Festivus meal was spaghetti or something that passed for meatloaf.  According to Frank, it was something with meat and covered in red sauce.  More than likely it was spaghetti because Frank enjoys spaghetti.  The meal isn't important and can consist of whatever you like unless the meat you are eating once had feathers...this will not do for Festivus.  This year my Festivus feast consisted of tamales, taquitos, and key lime pie yogurt. 

Once the meal has started, the most important part of Festiuvs occurs, the Airing of Grievances.  This practice allows for all adherents to vent inimicality towards the others who have gathered for the celebration of Festivus.  Each person, young and old alike, takes turns speaking and the Airing of Grievances begins with the host and works down to whoever has anything to vent. 

In case participants forget what their grievances are, this is an official Airing of Grievances form.  Grievances can only be written on this form if the adherent chooses to write.

I have decided to air my grievances.  And to quote the book of Festivus chapter 4 verse 32..."The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it."
-You don't post enough
-You timestamp too much
-Your recommendations are stupid
-You used to visit my site all the time but now you don't even show up in the footprints
-You're too nice, what's your aim?
-You're from Malaysia
-I like you but you don't like me.  My friend, this must not be. 
-I have a crush on you but I don't exist and this is why I did the following.
My biggest grievance took place on Festivus.  I almost thought this was a Festivus miracle but my hopes in a miracle were dashed to bits.  While shopping for Christmas (no one in my family has embraced the notion of Festivus...yet) I saw a girl that made my jaw drop because of her beauty.  She was every thing I look for in a girl...she had breasts, a butt, and hair.  I decided that a Festivus miracle was in store and that just maybe that the Festivus pole would shine and me and deem me worthy to be happy.  Her eyes met my eyes, I tipped my hat and said, "Hi.  How are you?"  She smiled and said, "Fine."  She walked away but I just knew that the Festivus pole was strong with me and I didn't give up but as I saw her standing in the next aisle I was shocked.  Her index finger was knuckle deep in her nostril and she was digging for a big one.  Then she withdrew her finger and inserted in her mouth and then...chewing.  I figured that if a girl is going to pick her nose and eat it in public then she would be willing to talk with me.  "Hey, I couldn't help but notice you were looking at these aluminum water bottles.  I have a few of them myself and they are quite nice when I am out walking.  You know if you'd like to try one out we could go for a walk sometime."  "Ugh...you are not my type so get away from me."  Shot down.  It was so harsh.  A girl who picks her nose and eats it turned me down but then my game was weak.  If only I had my pick-up lines!  Well I felt so dejected and I took to Twitter where I received ideas and words of comfort from the sweetest girls who ever did reply to my tweets.  I was shopping in a home goods store somewhat like Home Depot but with a Midwest twinge...Menards.  After I walked around the store and found things that I thought might be fun to have at my house I decided to leave.  Just as I was halfway to the front of the store I saw her.  She followed me to Menards.  I was thinking I could redeem myself.  I walked up to and apologized for coming on to her and I decided to see if the Festivus pole would shine on me.  I stuck my finger in my nose and picked out a winner.  I offered her my booger.  Her eyes closed and mouth opened.  I was gaining hope but she walked away.  So my grievance...I hate girls who pick their nose in public and eat it and turn me down.

If you need a Festivus pole, make sure you check out Menards because you can save big money at Menards.

After the Festivus feast is finished, we move to the Feats of Strength.  This year was awkward for me since I had no one to celebrate with however I was able to wrestle Old One Eye.  The host will select one person to grapple and Festivus is not over until the host is pinned.  Other people may wrestle however they are not allowed to wrestle the host.  The host only wrestles the person he selects.  This selected person may wrestle others and this is why Old One Eye was trying to meet the girl who picked her nose and ate it.   The only way the selected person may not wrestle the host is if they have something better to do.  The above card is handed to each individual at the start of Festivus as they gather around the pole before the hymn is sung.  Festivus revelers will hand their card to the person against whom they wish to test their strength. 

Another important aspect of Festivus is the Festivus Fruit Cake.  As each person leaves the host's house they are given a fruit cake because fruit is the most disappointing gift a person can receive and any other type of cake would spread the commercialization of Christmas and Kwanzaa. 

And finally, if people insist on you getting them a Christmas present, you can make a donation to the Human Fund.  The Human Fund does not exist but it does exist for people that don't give a good goddamn and handing out their hard earned money on Christmas for some slack-jawed dullard who doesn't deserve jackshit.  The Human Fund was created by George Costanza after fearing that his boss would discriminate against his practice of Festivus.  Simply hand one of these cards to the slack-jawed dullards who crave your hard earned money so that they can think you are a humanitarian.

If you practiced, I hope you had a festive Festivus and if not, there's always next year.  Don't be a chump and shell out money for people who deserve nothing, celebrate Festivus, a holiday for the rest of us.

I man few words.  Spelling is my only weekness.

I've been collecting bad pick-up lines from various sources and here are some of the worst contributions:

Relationship advice: if you're having a tough time not being able to see your girlfriend, pretend you're her father and sign her out of classes.  It's not masturbation if you're wearing a hand puppet, then it's a b.j.  Making a man wear a condom is like say, "The less you enjoy this, the happier I am."  Guys, the best compliment you can give a girl is, "You're pretty when you're struggling."  At this time of year it's nice to get a girl under the mistletoe and when you do shove it in her mouth...the mistletoe of course.  I hate when people complain about breastfeeding in public; sometimes I can't wait to get home to suck on boobs.  Guys, you will never be able to understand women unless you remove the ball gag.  IF you want to have crazy sex, head to an insane asylum and if your significant other is asking for an appliance for Christmas, give them a Dutch oven.  Ladies, the best code word you can use for sex when the kids are around is "NO".  The only thing that beats breakfast in bed is breakfast & head.  There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day. Did you contribute today?

I try not to shop at chain stores during the holiday season because who can take shit seriously when there is Christmas music playing over and over and over and over and over again?  But I do have to say when I go to Walmart, I forget all things and wake up with a pregnant woman in a headlock.  That's my people of Walmart story.

And now your weekly dose of motivation...

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss would have been a shitty rape councilor.

I love partying with my junior-high friends. It's just annoying that I have to drive until they turn 16.

The Supreme Court gets too much credit. It's just a regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

My favorite part about last night's lunar eclipse is that I was asleep during it.

The Beatles say happiness is a warm gun. I say happiness is a warm tongue.

I'm sorry, but I will not apologize for anything I say.

CURSED HOVER HANDS!

You know you want to touch but you just can't do it because you might TOUCH FEMALE FLESH!  It's just so much to process and you may blow a load in your pants or have your hand awkwardly slip to some other personal area.  I am guilty of this and I guarantee if I ever attend one of those Xanga meet-ups all the photos that feature me you will see hover hands.

Why, oh lord, can't I be more like this guy?