It's back.  It's back.  It's back and there are a lot of things I wrote while I was gone although all my Hanukkah jokes are a little too late.

Tomorrow is going to be a blast.  This pastor calls me up and says I have to make a decision that will cost the church thousands of dollars.  Apparently I was elected president or something a few years ago and that means I get to throw money around like it's going out of style.  The church furnace broke down and I have to find the new one.  I'm working with a guy and we are going to pick the hell out of that furnace catalog.  I want it so hot in that church people will believe because they will know the languish of the fires of hell.  OK so maybe I'm exaggerating but it's not often I get to throw around $5K to $10K on a furnace.  I already have butterflies in my stomach.

I can't hold my liquor which is why I store it in my stomach.

I am so glad it is finally AC/DCember...this month totally rocks.

Every kiss begins with a "K" but every sexual encounter begins with a "hey, are you asleep?" and this is why my girlfriend and I have an on/off relationship.  She gets on, I get off.  When someone tells me that if I love something I should let it go I always imagine letting it go over a cliff; if it comes back then it was meant to be and if not, then I go get a hooker.  Guys, give your woman a day off, have her sister fetch you beers.  The last time a girl asked me to make her wet I poured a beer over her head.  I like my ladies like I like my sleeping bags...laid flat with me inside.

When my parents told me I had to get my shit together, I said they were sick because that's totally unsanitary.

My toilet is so depressed because he's tired of all the shit I give him.

OK so why do people have private profiles on Twitter?  They set up a Twitter account to share their thoughts with the world but they don't want anyone to see.

One of the creators of LOST said he didn't like the recent Harry Potter movie and went on to say that it was too drawn out and didn't end well.  Insert joke here.

I don't use a scale to know how much I weigh.  I tell people I am a ballerina and base my weight on the look of skepticism they give me.

I think LL Cool J and LL Bean should fight to the death to see which one ladies love more.

And now...your weekly dose of motivation.

I love Steven Wright but not as much as I love her...

Did anyone else just hear that?  Nevermind...I take the "the" out of psychotherapist.