It's back and I thought that I would have plenty of material but I guess the celebrities were behaving because the holidays are here and this guy is watching to see if they are naughty or nice.

Remember, some images are not safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

This week in an interview, Winona Ryder said that she doesn't use the internet.  INSANE!  How does she masturbate?  She must use magazines or DVDs like some sort of animal.  If I want to know what she looks like naked, guess what I use?  That's right...THE INTERNET and the internet never fails even if that movie did.

Zooey Deschanel is suing Steve Madden's company for $2million because of breach of contract.  Apparently they signed her up to endorse a line of shoes and accessories and they haven't held up their end of the bargain.  She's suing for the amount of the endorsement deal.  Oh poor Zooey!  I don't know which is more embarrassing, making more money in a single lawsuit than in all her movies combined or being mistaken for Katy Perry.

Blake Edwards passed away at the age of 88 this week.  If you don't know who Blake Edwards is, go get yourself a copy of The Pink Panther and not that shit with Steve Martin.  Before he passed away, Blake was working on a musical version of The Pink Panther...damn.  He will be greatly missed.

Taylor Swift turned 21 this week and celebrated by NOT DRINKING!  Her country singer status must be revoked because drinking and country music go hand in hand.  Well I guess Taylor has at least one thing in common with my 10 year old cousin, they're both sober.

It was an amazing week for celebrity break ups.  One was Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson.  They split because they are both...and I use this term loosely...movie stars, so they have to spend much time apart.  So she's upset about the distance?  It's not like she's serving in Afghanistan and can't fly home whenever she feels like it.  I bet the real reason they split is that her secret lover is Osama Bin Laden.

Well I know a lot of ladies who read this enjoy Ryan Reynolds and that like is obviously based on his looks because I don't think there is a worse actor in all the world.  Even the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's is a better actor.  Yes, they used an actual corpse.  Anyway, I'm needing a female reader's assistance with this.  You remember that one episode of Seinfeld where a couple broke up and Jerry consoled the wife and Lainey consoled the husband?  Well we should totally do that and then if all else fails we can revert to Jerry and Elaine's relationship but only if we get to celebrate Festivus.

Vanessa Hudgens turned 22 this week and celebrated by breaking up with Zach Efron.  There were rumors surrounding the reason as to why they split and the main one was that Zach has been spending a majority of his time in strip clubs.  HAHAHAHAHA...that can't be true.  I'd say we do the Seinfeld thing with this couple but I don't really think Zach is into girls but the relationship was set up by the mouse.

Dexter and Deb have called it quits...OK so Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter of Dexter have divorced.  When I first heard they were married I thought there would be issues because they played brother and sister on Dexter and to me....that's a little strange.  People have said that tensions were high on the set of Dexter this season because Jennifer was telling every staff member about how evil Michael really was.  Hmmm the name of the show is Dexter and not Debra so guess who's probably going to be killed off next season.

There are people claiming that Michael C. Hall is already dating again and he's dating another Dexter cast member, Julia Styles.  That show could get very interesting but then their characters partake of the old in and out .  Seriously, does he use the casting agency as a dating agency?  Julia Styles has already denied having anything to do with their divorce however she hasn't denied that they are currently dating.  It's probably true because Michael Hall has a prefered type of women and that is those who are bony with small breasts and have no upper lips.

Wow...Tom Cruise looks very glib in this photo either that or he is embracing the fact that he carries the "slut gene".

Remember Thora Birch?  I have always been a fan.  Well she has been trying to work on Broadway and was in a play about Dracula but she was fired.  Why was she fired?  Well it was because of her father, Jack, a former porn actor who made it...uh...big?...in the movie Deepthroat.  Not only was he Thora's manager but he was also her bodyguard.  During a rehearsal he took issue with an actor stroking Thora's back.  He complained to the producers and director and his complaining shut down rehearsal and it escalated to him physically threatening the actor.  They fired her because they didn't want their actors threatened.  This isn't the first time he's caused issues on the set of her work.  He insisted on watching her in a sex scene for the movie The Winter of Frozen Dreams and while he was there he was giving thumbs ups to his daughter.  That is sort of strange.  He loves watching her bump uglies but takes issue with an actor stroking his daughter's back.  And I thought Hulk and Brooke Hogan had issues.  She's 28.  He must have some incredible dirt on her for her to keep his ass around. 

Hulk Hogan was married last weekend to a woman resembling his daughter.  And because I've come to expect the craziest with the Hulkster, a brawl broke out at his wedding between security guards and the paparazzi.  Steel chairs were used to hold back the photographers while the pastor counted to three to make the marriage official.  Here's what I was expecting...because Hulk has been hit in the head so many times with a folding chair, he qould have been confused and married Brooke instead and then flashed his penis.

Oh Minka Kelly...have you done anything since Friday Night Lights?  Who cares?  Look at that tongue!  Yes, I am really in need of one of those Christmas presents I have asked for.

Mel Gibson has closed his own personal church because of invasion of privacy concerns.  He will keep it open for long time members until they can find a new church.  If a person can't get privacy in their own cult, where can he?  Now that Sundays will be open, Mel will have plenty of time to enjoy some of his hobbies like football and hunting animals with his bare hands.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time person of the year this week.  Apparently he has brought together people all over the world through facebook...actually I thought that was Mafia Wars or Farmville.  I really think I should be named person of the year because I bring people together through Xanga.  The only thing he should win is "Best Dressed" on one of those Facebook apps.  Hopefully the award includes some chapstick.

Rumors are swirling that Mariah Carey is expecting twins.  Nick Cannon has denied these rumors.  I think they should do a full body ultrasound because a fetus looks like it could be lodged in her throat.  You realize if she does have twins it would impact the economy.  When she gives birth and there are twins make sure you buy plenty of Hello Kitty stock.

Lindsay Lohan is in talks to be on the next Dancing with the Stars.  People are saying an appearance will be the launchpad for her comeback...only if Quentin Tarantino directs that mess.  I think the reason why Lindsay wants to be on the show is she actually thinks it's called Doing Lines with the Stars.

A German hacker got into Ke$ha's computer and posted this photo of her boyfriend dining.  Damn...I can't believe Ke$ha is reminding me of desire of Christmas presents.

How fitting!  Katy Perry is heavily painted and frequently has nuts in her mouth so all she had to do was put on a mustache to become a nutcracker.

Joan Rivers announced this week that she is finished with plastic surgery.  At 77 years old she figures it's just not worth it.  You have to throw in the towel at some point but because of all the surgery Joan already has a shelf life of a can of Spam.  She's had more injections in her face than Jenna Jameson...zing.

Jamie Lynn Sigler was spotted at a Lakers game enjoying a lollipop and driving me crazy.  She really knows how to work a lollipop.  They really do need to bring back The Sopranos.

This photo of Demi Lovato was leaked on Twitter this week.  There are three reasons why I'm not in love. First, she does lines of coke off coffee tables like coke and coffee tables were going out of style.  Second, she beats back up dancers and if she beats a back up dancer just imagine how she treats a significant other.  Finally, that dude on the left side creeps me out.

Wow, David Beckham is really into his new acting gig as Alfalfa.  I thought the Little Rascals as adults movie was scrapped. 

No one likes Corey Feldman.  He kicked off a tour with his new band in Las Vegas last week and after two shows the tour has been canceled.  Only 20 people showed up for the Las Vegas show and then the L.A. show drew 50 but those were mostly his family.  The only thing worse than being Corey Feldman is writing about Corey Feldman.  If only I hadn't squandered my youth, I could've been a washed up child star by now.

Coco...thank you for giving me a Thong Thursday as a welcome back present.

Oh Claudia Schiffer...you were there for me before the internet.  How do you say MILF in German?

Britney's parents are getting back together and she's pissed.  She thinks that if they get back together, she'll never get her freedom from court-ordered supervision.  Britney thinks that her mother is responsible for this supervision because Britney tells her mom everything and then she reports it back to her father and the court.  Britney's also worried that her parents are going to manipulate her so they can take all her money.  Really?  I highly doubt parents would push their child star offspring to for their own financial gain.  If Britney wasn't basically still a kid and this has happened to every child star since...forever...I wouldn't have believed it.  If Britney wants to keep her money she should hide it in the one place where stage parents would never look, in a parenting skills book.

Video Section
Nicolas Cage is bat shit insane.

Suddenly, I like Ozzy Osbourne.

Oprah almost killed Hugh Jackman...no biggie.

And because I trashed Dexter...here's Michael C. Hall singing a Christmas carol as Dexter.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I have two more posts coming but that's only if I get an adequate amount of comments.