Day: December 21, 2010

  • Guys, does this happen to you too?

    CURSED HOVER HANDS!






    You know you want to touch but you just can't do it because you might TOUCH FEMALE FLESH!  It's just so much to process and you may blow a load in your pants or have your hand awkwardly slip to some other personal area.  I am guilty of this and I guarantee if I ever attend one of those Xanga meet-ups all the photos that feature me you will see hover hands.

    Why, oh lord, can't I be more like this guy?

  • The Truth Behind My Absence

    OK, I have to come clean because I can't lie to you any longer.  I wasn't having computer issues.  I returned to my home where I cannot use Xanga because Xanga is outlawed.  I bet you're asking yourself, "Where could Xanga be outlawed?"  The proper question you should be asking is "When could Xanga be outlawed?"  Get it?  I am a time traveler and there are many of us living amongst you, the most famous being Kevin Garnett.  How else could you explain an illiterate millionaire?
    Why am I writing on Xanga?  Well, it's simple, I'm part of a military operation sent to your time to spy on the operatives of a future country that drew Amexica into another world war.  No one is really sure how this war started but the reason we went to war is because all the future media outlets blew things out of proportion and it made people salivate for war.  The only thing we can be sure of is that Operation Freak-a-Leak (our name for the future war) started in Xanga.  Operation Freak-a-Leak has been a very costly military operation but that might be because the name "Freak-a-Leak" was bought after much research determined this to be the most marketable name for a war and the poetry of Petey Pablo has surpassed the works of William Shakespeare in importance and popularity.  In fact, Petey Pablo's "Raise Up" is the national anthem of Amexica.
    Our military is fighting a stalemate and as I mentioned before I was sent here to monitor Xangans and understand the people that were brainwashed by a certain Xangan's writings and how no one saw this Xanga for the douchebag they truly were.  I tried to combat this by posting funny things to distract people from obvious douchebaggery but Xangans ate it up and nothing I could do could save Xanga.  Not even a bank-robbing cannibal religion could save Xanga although this religion became the most dominant religion in Amexica and that's even with the Lutheran and Buddhist factions of the BRCC.  The reason the BRCC took off as a religion was because the majority of Christians were expecting Christ to return on a battlefield in Israel but he didn't.  See they hadn't actually read the book of Revelations or taken the time to understand it.  They took a fictionalized book series as truth and they saw the author as being inspired by God even though he was nothing more than a failed sex therapist.
    The Christians tried to blame the Wallpapers but it wasn't their fault.  Recently, in your time which is not recently for me, the Wallpapers were allowed to openly serve in the military.  Oh, I'm sorry, you're probably asking what is a Wallpaper.  Wallpapers are what your time period called "homosexuals" or "gays".  The greatest thing we have adopted from your culture is labeling people.  These people were called Wallpapers because it was deemed by researchers in the government to be the least offensive word known to mankind but that didn't mean everyone started calling Wallpapers, "Wallpapers" right away.  Thanks to the efforts of what you call the Tea Party or what we call The Party every major decision is voted on in Amexica.  So in true Amexican military fashion, the Wallpapers were forced to serve in segregated units.  The Wallpapers serving in the military didn't help their case or ease tensions any when they demanded to be called "The Pansy Division".  Now it wasn't because people think "pansy" is a derogatory name but because the name "The Pansy Division" was the name of a band and this lead to a major lawsuit that bankrupted the Amexican government.  So The Party made amendments to the Articles of Confederation that stated that names labeling people had to be voted on as to whether or not these labels were appropriate.  They also got the Amexican people to vote on the meanings of words.  Anything related to the "n-word" has to deal with the color black like the Latin originally meant (yes, we in the future revived Latin) unlike what the brainwashing Xangan tried to tell his Xangans that it came from the word "ignorant", "fag" means cigarette, "gay" means happy, "queer" means strange, "retarded" means slow, "dykes" hold back water, "chink" means a narrow opening, and "crackers" are pieces of bread that you eat but not at BRCC functions.  Also in true fashion from your time, the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins retained their offensive monikers and to appease the First Nations, the Cleveland Browns received a black lawn jockey for a mascot and the new NFL team in Los Angeles is called the Fiesta and their mascot is a guy sleeping under a sombrero and in the NBA the team in Seattle became the Slant and their mascot was a Samurai warrior drawn as a Dr. Seuss rendition of Japanese people. 
    I forgot to mention about The Party.  The Party is what you called the Tea Party.  After their gains in 2010, they kept gaining momentum and within a few elections, every position in Congress and Senate were filled by members of the Tea Party and over time it became known as The Party.  Once The Party gained complete control of office their first act was to change the pronunciation of the word "the".  It is punishable with prison time if a person doesn't pronounce "the" as "thee".  You are probably in shock that there is only one political party in Amexica but believe it or not, one party gets much more accomplished than two. 
    You're probably thinking that High Priestess Christine O'Donnell is finished with politics.  Well you would be wrong.  After the flop at Megiddo, O'Donnell embraced her inner witch and became a high priestess of a coven.  I can't give away too much more about the future otherwise I could be punished but I'll let you know that the Amerixan Triumervate of her, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin were a forced to be reckoned with one week every month.  Christine O'Donnell did try to criminalize masturbation but that was shot down because research polls revealed that most people in Amexica enjoyed masturbating so in every speech Christine O'Donnell shames the Amexican people for their onanistic lusts which lead to the repeal of the 13th Amendment.  Wallpapers who didn't serve in the military were forced to become "hand slaves" so that the Christian society could enjoy masturbating without the shame.  Finally Wallpapers were granted citizenship in Amexica once they served 10 years in the military excluding the Navy or 10 years as a hand slave.
    Other major events from the future...

    -Vampires were discovered to be real but were not eradicated because they converted to Christianity although they were upset after they found out they weren't drinking the blood of other worshippers at services.

    -Marijuana is never legalized but crystal meth, heroin, LSD, and cocaine are legal but only can be used as dietary supplements.  Pot never is legalized because the spokesmen are always stoners and that scares Amexicans.  So there is much hippy hate in Amexica.

    -UFOs turned out to be Chinese spy planes.

    -It has been determined that The Office is Britain's greatest contribution to history.

    -When gas prices started rising in 2001 it was because the world ran out of gas.  This was also when Pepsi took Pitch Black Mountain Dew off the market as a full time beverage.  Coincidence?  No, Pitch Black powered cars for years.  Now they are powered by human gas but there is a shortage of beans.

    -Everyone has diabetes.  By the time children are 3, they have been fed sugar with all their meals.  It's simpler this way and no one feels left out.  A cure for diabetes was found but the Christian church said it was against God's will so the cure was never released to the public.

    -Broccoli was discovered to be the cause of cancer.  The people of your time should have known since the broccoli plant looks like a vile weed.

    -The NBA has banned all shoes because they give players too much of an advantage.  First, they banned L.A. Gear Lights and then shoes with springs.  At first scores were only averaging a combined 20 points because players kept injuring themselves trying to play defense.  Now scores average a combined 400 points per game because teams no longer play defense.

    -Brett Favre is still in the NFL but not as a player.  After he eventually retired, he became depressed and that led to overeating.  We all know Brett Favre is quite the competitor so he made it his goal to become the heaviest person in history.  He tipped the scales at a little over 1 ton and then he tried to lose the weight but his heart couldn't take it and he died.  So to keep Favre in the NFL, they took all his skin, tanned it, and made it into footballs.

    -One year, Eddie Murphy swept the Oscars.  He won for every single category because he did everything...write, direct, produce, light, animate, key grip, edit, costume, music, and act in every role save for one.  His brother Charlie needed some work.

    Remember earlier when I said I could be punished for revealing too much about the future?  Well I have set off alarms and the police are after me.  I never mentioned the punishment.  It's castration.  They are coming to chop off my penis right now.  Ladies, I need your help.  I need a place to hide my penis.  Please help...too late, they're here.  Bye.


    Bow before your God