OK, I have to come clean because I can't lie to you any longer.  I wasn't having computer issues.  I returned to my home where I cannot use Xanga because Xanga is outlawed.  I bet you're asking yourself, "Where could Xanga be outlawed?"  The proper question you should be asking is "When could Xanga be outlawed?"  Get it?  I am a time traveler and there are many of us living amongst you, the most famous being Kevin Garnett.  How else could you explain an illiterate millionaire?
Why am I writing on Xanga?  Well, it's simple, I'm part of a military operation sent to your time to spy on the operatives of a future country that drew Amexica into another world war.  No one is really sure how this war started but the reason we went to war is because all the future media outlets blew things out of proportion and it made people salivate for war.  The only thing we can be sure of is that Operation Freak-a-Leak (our name for the future war) started in Xanga.  Operation Freak-a-Leak has been a very costly military operation but that might be because the name "Freak-a-Leak" was bought after much research determined this to be the most marketable name for a war and the poetry of Petey Pablo has surpassed the works of William Shakespeare in importance and popularity.  In fact, Petey Pablo's "Raise Up" is the national anthem of Amexica.
Our military is fighting a stalemate and as I mentioned before I was sent here to monitor Xangans and understand the people that were brainwashed by a certain Xangan's writings and how no one saw this Xanga for the douchebag they truly were.  I tried to combat this by posting funny things to distract people from obvious douchebaggery but Xangans ate it up and nothing I could do could save Xanga.  Not even a bank-robbing cannibal religion could save Xanga although this religion became the most dominant religion in Amexica and that's even with the Lutheran and Buddhist factions of the BRCC.  The reason the BRCC took off as a religion was because the majority of Christians were expecting Christ to return on a battlefield in Israel but he didn't.  See they hadn't actually read the book of Revelations or taken the time to understand it.  They took a fictionalized book series as truth and they saw the author as being inspired by God even though he was nothing more than a failed sex therapist.
The Christians tried to blame the Wallpapers but it wasn't their fault.  Recently, in your time which is not recently for me, the Wallpapers were allowed to openly serve in the military.  Oh, I'm sorry, you're probably asking what is a Wallpaper.  Wallpapers are what your time period called "homosexuals" or "gays".  The greatest thing we have adopted from your culture is labeling people.  These people were called Wallpapers because it was deemed by researchers in the government to be the least offensive word known to mankind but that didn't mean everyone started calling Wallpapers, "Wallpapers" right away.  Thanks to the efforts of what you call the Tea Party or what we call The Party every major decision is voted on in Amexica.  So in true Amexican military fashion, the Wallpapers were forced to serve in segregated units.  The Wallpapers serving in the military didn't help their case or ease tensions any when they demanded to be called "The Pansy Division".  Now it wasn't because people think "pansy" is a derogatory name but because the name "The Pansy Division" was the name of a band and this lead to a major lawsuit that bankrupted the Amexican government.  So The Party made amendments to the Articles of Confederation that stated that names labeling people had to be voted on as to whether or not these labels were appropriate.  They also got the Amexican people to vote on the meanings of words.  Anything related to the "n-word" has to deal with the color black like the Latin originally meant (yes, we in the future revived Latin) unlike what the brainwashing Xangan tried to tell his Xangans that it came from the word "ignorant", "fag" means cigarette, "gay" means happy, "queer" means strange, "retarded" means slow, "dykes" hold back water, "chink" means a narrow opening, and "crackers" are pieces of bread that you eat but not at BRCC functions.  Also in true fashion from your time, the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins retained their offensive monikers and to appease the First Nations, the Cleveland Browns received a black lawn jockey for a mascot and the new NFL team in Los Angeles is called the Fiesta and their mascot is a guy sleeping under a sombrero and in the NBA the team in Seattle became the Slant and their mascot was a Samurai warrior drawn as a Dr. Seuss rendition of Japanese people. 
I forgot to mention about The Party.  The Party is what you called the Tea Party.  After their gains in 2010, they kept gaining momentum and within a few elections, every position in Congress and Senate were filled by members of the Tea Party and over time it became known as The Party.  Once The Party gained complete control of office their first act was to change the pronunciation of the word "the".  It is punishable with prison time if a person doesn't pronounce "the" as "thee".  You are probably in shock that there is only one political party in Amexica but believe it or not, one party gets much more accomplished than two. 
You're probably thinking that High Priestess Christine O'Donnell is finished with politics.  Well you would be wrong.  After the flop at Megiddo, O'Donnell embraced her inner witch and became a high priestess of a coven.  I can't give away too much more about the future otherwise I could be punished but I'll let you know that the Amerixan Triumervate of her, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin were a forced to be reckoned with one week every month.  Christine O'Donnell did try to criminalize masturbation but that was shot down because research polls revealed that most people in Amexica enjoyed masturbating so in every speech Christine O'Donnell shames the Amexican people for their onanistic lusts which lead to the repeal of the 13th Amendment.  Wallpapers who didn't serve in the military were forced to become "hand slaves" so that the Christian society could enjoy masturbating without the shame.  Finally Wallpapers were granted citizenship in Amexica once they served 10 years in the military excluding the Navy or 10 years as a hand slave.
Other major events from the future...

Remember earlier when I said I could be punished for revealing too much about the future?  Well I have set off alarms and the police are after me.  I never mentioned the punishment.  It's castration.  They are coming to chop off my penis right now.  Ladies, I need your help.  I need a place to hide my penis.  Please help...too late, they're here.  Bye.

Bow before your God

Stare in amazement and change your drawers after spending the last few minutes watching Tom Brady...that's for Cris Collinsworth only.  Seriously, how are people able to get into the Patriots' stadium with Collinsworth's massive ego.  Oh well...enjoy cats NOW!

Fucking Packers...but you have to give them credit for having a winning record despite all the injuries.  Things could be worse, they could be in the NFC West, the JV of the NFL.

It's back and I thought that I would have plenty of material but I guess the celebrities were behaving because the holidays are here and this guy is watching to see if they are naughty or nice.

Remember, some images are not safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

This week in an interview, Winona Ryder said that she doesn't use the internet.  INSANE!  How does she masturbate?  She must use magazines or DVDs like some sort of animal.  If I want to know what she looks like naked, guess what I use?  That's right...THE INTERNET and the internet never fails even if that movie did.

Zooey Deschanel is suing Steve Madden's company for $2million because of breach of contract.  Apparently they signed her up to endorse a line of shoes and accessories and they haven't held up their end of the bargain.  She's suing for the amount of the endorsement deal.  Oh poor Zooey!  I don't know which is more embarrassing, making more money in a single lawsuit than in all her movies combined or being mistaken for Katy Perry.

Blake Edwards passed away at the age of 88 this week.  If you don't know who Blake Edwards is, go get yourself a copy of The Pink Panther and not that shit with Steve Martin.  Before he passed away, Blake was working on a musical version of The Pink Panther...damn.  He will be greatly missed.

Taylor Swift turned 21 this week and celebrated by NOT DRINKING!  Her country singer status must be revoked because drinking and country music go hand in hand.  Well I guess Taylor has at least one thing in common with my 10 year old cousin, they're both sober.

It was an amazing week for celebrity break ups.  One was Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson.  They split because they are both...and I use this term loosely...movie stars, so they have to spend much time apart.  So she's upset about the distance?  It's not like she's serving in Afghanistan and can't fly home whenever she feels like it.  I bet the real reason they split is that her secret lover is Osama Bin Laden.

Well I know a lot of ladies who read this enjoy Ryan Reynolds and that like is obviously based on his looks because I don't think there is a worse actor in all the world.  Even the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's is a better actor.  Yes, they used an actual corpse.  Anyway, I'm needing a female reader's assistance with this.  You remember that one episode of Seinfeld where a couple broke up and Jerry consoled the wife and Lainey consoled the husband?  Well we should totally do that and then if all else fails we can revert to Jerry and Elaine's relationship but only if we get to celebrate Festivus.

Vanessa Hudgens turned 22 this week and celebrated by breaking up with Zach Efron.  There were rumors surrounding the reason as to why they split and the main one was that Zach has been spending a majority of his time in strip clubs.  HAHAHAHAHA...that can't be true.  I'd say we do the Seinfeld thing with this couple but I don't really think Zach is into girls but the relationship was set up by the mouse.

Dexter and Deb have called it quits...OK so Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter of Dexter have divorced.  When I first heard they were married I thought there would be issues because they played brother and sister on Dexter and to me....that's a little strange.  People have said that tensions were high on the set of Dexter this season because Jennifer was telling every staff member about how evil Michael really was.  Hmmm the name of the show is Dexter and not Debra so guess who's probably going to be killed off next season.

There are people claiming that Michael C. Hall is already dating again and he's dating another Dexter cast member, Julia Styles.  That show could get very interesting but then their characters partake of the old in and out .  Seriously, does he use the casting agency as a dating agency?  Julia Styles has already denied having anything to do with their divorce however she hasn't denied that they are currently dating.  It's probably true because Michael Hall has a prefered type of women and that is those who are bony with small breasts and have no upper lips.

Wow...Tom Cruise looks very glib in this photo either that or he is embracing the fact that he carries the "slut gene".

Remember Thora Birch?  I have always been a fan.  Well she has been trying to work on Broadway and was in a play about Dracula but she was fired.  Why was she fired?  Well it was because of her father, Jack, a former porn actor who made it...uh...big?...in the movie Deepthroat.  Not only was he Thora's manager but he was also her bodyguard.  During a rehearsal he took issue with an actor stroking Thora's back.  He complained to the producers and director and his complaining shut down rehearsal and it escalated to him physically threatening the actor.  They fired her because they didn't want their actors threatened.  This isn't the first time he's caused issues on the set of her work.  He insisted on watching her in a sex scene for the movie The Winter of Frozen Dreams and while he was there he was giving thumbs ups to his daughter.  That is sort of strange.  He loves watching her bump uglies but takes issue with an actor stroking his daughter's back.  And I thought Hulk and Brooke Hogan had issues.  She's 28.  He must have some incredible dirt on her for her to keep his ass around. 

Hulk Hogan was married last weekend to a woman resembling his daughter.  And because I've come to expect the craziest with the Hulkster, a brawl broke out at his wedding between security guards and the paparazzi.  Steel chairs were used to hold back the photographers while the pastor counted to three to make the marriage official.  Here's what I was expecting...because Hulk has been hit in the head so many times with a folding chair, he qould have been confused and married Brooke instead and then flashed his penis.

Oh Minka Kelly...have you done anything since Friday Night Lights?  Who cares?  Look at that tongue!  Yes, I am really in need of one of those Christmas presents I have asked for.

Mel Gibson has closed his own personal church because of invasion of privacy concerns.  He will keep it open for long time members until they can find a new church.  If a person can't get privacy in their own cult, where can he?  Now that Sundays will be open, Mel will have plenty of time to enjoy some of his hobbies like football and hunting animals with his bare hands.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time person of the year this week.  Apparently he has brought together people all over the world through facebook...actually I thought that was Mafia Wars or Farmville.  I really think I should be named person of the year because I bring people together through Xanga.  The only thing he should win is "Best Dressed" on one of those Facebook apps.  Hopefully the award includes some chapstick.

Rumors are swirling that Mariah Carey is expecting twins.  Nick Cannon has denied these rumors.  I think they should do a full body ultrasound because a fetus looks like it could be lodged in her throat.  You realize if she does have twins it would impact the economy.  When she gives birth and there are twins make sure you buy plenty of Hello Kitty stock.

Lindsay Lohan is in talks to be on the next Dancing with the Stars.  People are saying an appearance will be the launchpad for her comeback...only if Quentin Tarantino directs that mess.  I think the reason why Lindsay wants to be on the show is she actually thinks it's called Doing Lines with the Stars.

A German hacker got into Ke$ha's computer and posted this photo of her boyfriend dining.  Damn...I can't believe Ke$ha is reminding me of desire of Christmas presents.

How fitting!  Katy Perry is heavily painted and frequently has nuts in her mouth so all she had to do was put on a mustache to become a nutcracker.

Joan Rivers announced this week that she is finished with plastic surgery.  At 77 years old she figures it's just not worth it.  You have to throw in the towel at some point but because of all the surgery Joan already has a shelf life of a can of Spam.  She's had more injections in her face than Jenna Jameson...zing.

Jamie Lynn Sigler was spotted at a Lakers game enjoying a lollipop and driving me crazy.  She really knows how to work a lollipop.  They really do need to bring back The Sopranos.

This photo of Demi Lovato was leaked on Twitter this week.  There are three reasons why I'm not in love. First, she does lines of coke off coffee tables like coke and coffee tables were going out of style.  Second, she beats back up dancers and if she beats a back up dancer just imagine how she treats a significant other.  Finally, that dude on the left side creeps me out.

Wow, David Beckham is really into his new acting gig as Alfalfa.  I thought the Little Rascals as adults movie was scrapped. 

No one likes Corey Feldman.  He kicked off a tour with his new band in Las Vegas last week and after two shows the tour has been canceled.  Only 20 people showed up for the Las Vegas show and then the L.A. show drew 50 but those were mostly his family.  The only thing worse than being Corey Feldman is writing about Corey Feldman.  If only I hadn't squandered my youth, I could've been a washed up child star by now.

Coco...thank you for giving me a Thong Thursday as a welcome back present.

Oh Claudia Schiffer...you were there for me before the internet.  How do you say MILF in German?

Britney's parents are getting back together and she's pissed.  She thinks that if they get back together, she'll never get her freedom from court-ordered supervision.  Britney thinks that her mother is responsible for this supervision because Britney tells her mom everything and then she reports it back to her father and the court.  Britney's also worried that her parents are going to manipulate her so they can take all her money.  Really?  I highly doubt parents would push their child star offspring to for their own financial gain.  If Britney wasn't basically still a kid and this has happened to every child star since...forever...I wouldn't have believed it.  If Britney wants to keep her money she should hide it in the one place where stage parents would never look, in a parenting skills book.

Video Section
Nicolas Cage is bat shit insane.

Suddenly, I like Ozzy Osbourne.

Oprah almost killed Hugh Jackman...no biggie.

And because I trashed Dexter...here's Michael C. Hall singing a Christmas carol as Dexter.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I have two more posts coming but that's only if I get an adequate amount of comments.

It's quite simple...

and

And because I'm in a holiday mood, enjoy these holiday songs...

I need to get to these churches





Now if I could only find a snake handling church around me.

It's back.  It's back.  It's back and there are a lot of things I wrote while I was gone although all my Hanukkah jokes are a little too late.

Tomorrow is going to be a blast.  This pastor calls me up and says I have to make a decision that will cost the church thousands of dollars.  Apparently I was elected president or something a few years ago and that means I get to throw money around like it's going out of style.  The church furnace broke down and I have to find the new one.  I'm working with a guy and we are going to pick the hell out of that furnace catalog.  I want it so hot in that church people will believe because they will know the languish of the fires of hell.  OK so maybe I'm exaggerating but it's not often I get to throw around $5K to $10K on a furnace.  I already have butterflies in my stomach.

I can't hold my liquor which is why I store it in my stomach.

I am so glad it is finally AC/DCember...this month totally rocks.

Every kiss begins with a "K" but every sexual encounter begins with a "hey, are you asleep?" and this is why my girlfriend and I have an on/off relationship.  She gets on, I get off.  When someone tells me that if I love something I should let it go I always imagine letting it go over a cliff; if it comes back then it was meant to be and if not, then I go get a hooker.  Guys, give your woman a day off, have her sister fetch you beers.  The last time a girl asked me to make her wet I poured a beer over her head.  I like my ladies like I like my sleeping bags...laid flat with me inside.

When my parents told me I had to get my shit together, I said they were sick because that's totally unsanitary.

My toilet is so depressed because he's tired of all the shit I give him.

OK so why do people have private profiles on Twitter?  They set up a Twitter account to share their thoughts with the world but they don't want anyone to see.

One of the creators of LOST said he didn't like the recent Harry Potter movie and went on to say that it was too drawn out and didn't end well.  Insert joke here.

I don't use a scale to know how much I weigh.  I tell people I am a ballerina and base my weight on the look of skepticism they give me.

I think LL Cool J and LL Bean should fight to the death to see which one ladies love more.

And now...your weekly dose of motivation.

I love Steven Wright but not as much as I love her...

Did anyone else just hear that?  Nevermind...I take the "the" out of psychotherapist.

Since everyone is answering questions I will as well.  I wanted to jump on the bandwagon but no one asks me questions so I found some worth answering.

How do you calculate the NFL quarterback rating?
This may be the most complicated stat in all of sports and it takes multiple steps.  I will use the numbers from the best single season QB rating which belongs to Peyton Manning.  First you take the number of completions and divide by number of pass attempts and convert that to a percentage.  336/497= 67.6% and then you take 67.6 and subtract 30 to get 37.6 and then you multiply that by 0.05 to get 1.88(this will be important later).  Next we look at how many yards were averaged per attempt.  Manning threw for 4557 yards so 4557/497=9.17 and from that we subtract 3 to get 6.17 and we multiply that by 0.25 to get 1.54(important for later).  Next we look at percentage of touchdown passes pet attempt.  Manning threw 49 tds so 49/497 and change it to a percentage we get 9.86% and we take that and multiply by 0.20 to get 1.97(important for later).  Next we look at percentage of interceptions.  Manning threw 10 so 10/497 and change to percent 2.01%.  Take 2.01 multiply by 0.25 to get .503 and then you subtract .503 from 2.375 to get 1.88 (important for later)  All those numbers we saved are added together so 1.88+1.54+1.97+1.88=7.27.  Now divide 7.27 by 6 to get 7.27/6=1.21 and multiply that by 121.1 which is the record and not rounded.  The perfect QB rating is 158.3 so Manning was nearly perfect.

What are the best selling NFL jerseys among women?
10. Eli Manning
9.  Mark Sanchez
8.  Tom Brady
7.  Miles Austin
6.  Aaron Rodgers
5.  Brett Favre
4.  Peyton Manning
3.  Troy Polamalu
2.  Tim Tebow
1.  Drew Brees

What is the biggest blowout in college football history?
Oh this is interesting question.  In the modern era of college football it would be Houston 100, Tulsa 6.  In the pre-modern era, which I believe is anything before World War II, it would be Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland College 0 in 1916.  The Engineers of Georgia Tech were coached by John Heisman, the guy whom the Hesiman Trophy is named.  Well the Engineers were looking for payback because the previous baseball season Cumberland beat Tech in baseball 22-0.  They accomplished this with the help of ringers from a pro league.  Heisman also coached the baseball team so he insisted they play Tech.  Cumberland didn't have a football team so a student manager was elected and he got 14 guys to go play Tech.  If I remember correctly Cumberland only had one play that gained yards and that was a 10 yard pass and when the quarterback was injured Cumberland punted on every possession.  Another reason for the blowout was in those days college football teams were ranked based on how many points they scored and Heisman wanted to be the best.

Why do men have nipples?
As embryos, men and women have similar tissue.

Did McDonald's ever sell hot dogs?
Yes

Why do doctors leave the room when you undress if they see you naked any way?
Underwear is more embarrassing than genitalia.  Actually I suppose it is so you can tell which doctors are real and which are fake.  If a guy dressed as a doctor offers to give you a free exam in his van and doesn't leave when you undress, he's probably not a doctor.

Who coined the phrase, "pardon my French"?
George Costanza

How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?
If I remember correctly he only has claws on one hand. 

What was Jesus' middle name?
Harold...Jesus H. Christ.

If a deaf person curses in sign language, how do you punish them?
You obviously make them wash their hands.


Needs more shotgun

I seem to have forgotten what day it is...oh yeah...Caturday but only a day late.  I will explain why later but feast on these.






OK...Caturday is out of the way.  I got my computer back Friday afternoon however the guy forgot one piece that was crucial to use, a hook-up for my monitor.  I couldn't plug in my monitor anywhere so it was useless.  Well his wife had to practice organ at a church in town and she would run the piece over.  OK, I get it and hook it on and just as I am about to turn on the beast I get a phone call asking if I wanted to go Christmas shopping.  Oh what the hell, the computer's here and will be here when I get back.  I felt so stupid because I forgot to think about who wanted to go shopping.  I think I have everyone accounted for on my list except my goddaughter.  Anyway, I get home about 11PM and I'm looking at the computer and want to turn it on and go to town however I am reminded that there is a snowstorm coming and that I will probably have to take my dad to kidney dialysis because the roads will be horrible and I have 4WD.  Well I crashed because I would have to get up early to drive because of the weather.  Sure enough it snowed overnight and dumped about 4 or 5 inches on us.  I got ready and got my dad loaded and we were on the road by 8:30AM which is about a half hour earlier than he usually departs.  I get driving and realize this is going to be a challenge.  The highways hadn't been plowed yet so I am gunning through snowdrifts and ice patches.  I am feeling good about the travel until I notice that we are driving into an area where it's still snowing and of course it's snowing hard.  I am in a line of 10 cars going at most 30mph.  The snow is turning to the dreaded winter mix and of course my windshield wipers are acting up and they aren't wiping off the snow and ice.  I think I drove without a clean windshield for close to ten miles.  I stop at a full service gas station and buy new wipers.  The blades on the old ones, the guy estimates, got heated up this summer and melted.  So I have a clean windshield and am ready to drive except the snow and mix is getting worse.  I am near the destination.  The roads are slick as hell and I am spinning out and at one point fishtailing down the road.  This hospital is on a hill and the road going up is quite steep and covered in ice and slush.  I don't have my 4WD on and I end up spinning.  I managed to get up the hill...sideways.  It was hell and I had a snowplow behind me so I was afraid of hitting that if I didn't make it up.  I parked in the parking lot and listened to some ESPN radio and the snow stopped and I noticed my thermometer say it was 40.  I decided that even if it was only 10:30 it was time to get some lunch.  I pull into a McDonald's because I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in months.  I go to the drivethru and notice they still have the breakfast menu up.  "Are you still serving breakfast?" "Yes, on weekends we serve breakfast until 11."  Well I wanted a Big Mac so I said "Sorry" and drove away.  I drove around town, ended up at a Dollar Tree and then a Game Stop where I realized that I am bad with women who express interest in me or women who have intoxicating eyes.  I decide I should go back to McDonald's and get lunch.  I order my Big Mac and pull forward.  I have my money ready to go and the girl at the window says, "Don't worry, the guy in front of you paid for it."  "Really?"  "Yeah."  I tried to follow the guy after I got my food but a light changed and I lost him.  I have always heard of stuff like that happening but never thought it would happen to me.  Oh and if you are wondering why I didn't pay for the person behind me, well, there wasn't anyone behind me.  So I ate in the casino parking lot, doubled up my money a few times playing roulette, went back to the dialysis center and picked up my dad.  When he got in my car it started sleeting and the roads were slick again.  There was one point where I was driving on a straight stretch of highway with no trees serving as windbreaks.  The wind pushed me around and because I was on an icy road I was sliding.  FUN!  I managed to get home and I was exhausted and of course as I am dropping my dad off my mom asks if I can take her to the grocery store.  I then am asked to help them get Christmas decorations out of their attic.  I finally crash under a blanket when I hear of all these blizzard warnings and then fell asleep.  I wake up because a guy called to ask if there was church.  I said no even though I didn't know.  I then turned on the radio and it said we didn't so I figured I was lucky.  I went out on my back porch and saw a 6 foot tall and 6 foot wide snow drift blocking my driveway.  It is wild and by the end of the day they are saying the windchill will be -35F.  I think I will be cozy here with my computer.  I am glad too because I think I may be banned from the public library's computers.  I took over a flash drive because I didn't know what was on it...big mistake.

First with the other nonsense

Somewhere in Gotham City, a child is happy that a judge granted full custody to his mother.

Man this economy is getting tough for everyone.

The Minnesota Vikings will be debuting their new quarterback this weekend.  I hear they are getting him straight from Oxford University.

This is beautiful...well at least how the poles bring a new meaning to the photo.

Either the editor is sly and wants to slip a quick joke in the paper or he is totally unaware of what a condom is or what it holds.

The perfect photo to remember your first day of school.

This is what MC Escher did when he was a child.

Figures, it's someone from Illinois.
 

Well bubeleh, remember Hanukkah Harry has to schlep all your toys to you so be a mensch and leave him some nice matzah.  Your meschuga to not leave anything out for Hanukkah Harry...why that is plain chutzpah!  Also don't be a kolboynick and deny the existence of Hanukkah Harry.  Drek for you, putz!

Happy Hanukkah!  Rosh Tov!