Think of answers that start with the first letter of your name:

(Contains gore)

Your Name: Matt, deal with it

Famous Musician: Mozart, Steve Miller, Maroon 5, Matchbox 20,(only because I just heard their song) Muddy Waters (OK maybe not but damn do I love me some Muddy Waters and hell I just might name one of my children Muddy.  Only problem is, I’m single.  Maybe I should conduct a Xanga contest…Who wants to get knocked up by the godfather and a son Muddy?  I do have an idea for a contest but I have the price before I have the actual contest)

4 letter word: Muck, Mire, Mill, Mass, More, Mace, Maze, Mack, Myth (I just got done playing Banagrams…Sunday night playing board games, I’m awesome)

Vehicle: Maserati (It’s like my love style, I’m expensive and very fast.  I get over-excited, deal with it.)

TV Show:  Man vs. Food, MacGyver, Malcolm in the Middle, M*A*S*H, Mythbusters, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Mad Men (I ripped Malcolm in the Middle when it first aired but over time it’s grown on me and why the hell is MST3K no longer on TV?)

City: Madison, Milwaukee, Mankato, Minneapolis (quiet possibly the only cities I’ve needed in life)

Boy Name: Matt, Michael, MacKenzie, Martin

Girl Name: Mattea, Michaella, MacKenzie, Martina

Alcoholic drink:  Manhattan

Occupation:  Magician, Maid, Model, Milker…all occupations I’ve held or attempted

Something you wear: mittens, muffler, mukluk (yeah, a mukluk, eat it!)

Celebrity:  Macauly Culkin, Mila Kunis (I have her on my mind now that she’s no longer with Culkin…damn)

Food:   meat loaf, marshmallows, mutton, melon, macaroni (That is one hell of a meal because you ain’t got nothin’ on my mutton)

Something found in a kitchen:  masher, mixer, Maytag

Something you do:  masturbate, masticate, madden (get angry)

Reason for Being Late:  masturbating, masticating, Madden…that video game drives me nuts

Cartoon Character:  Mighty Mouse

Something You Shout: MICROSOFT!!!!!!  Marry me!

that it’s Caturday.

Now, who dares to copy the Godfather?  Or who wants to bring back the interview to Xanga?

I guess after writing my Two and a Half Men script, the writing bug has taken me over even if people don’t read it.  A lot of people may not realize it but the reality shows are scripted or at least they have writers to make up storylines to keep the shows interesting.  Don’t believe me?  Check the credits.  I’ve decided to dabble with Pawn Stars.  Pawn Stars is probably one of the few reality shows that I think is decent but that’s mostly because of the historical content of the items that people attempt to sell at the shop.  It’s hard to believe that show has survived.  When I first heard about it being on History Channel, I figured it wouldn’t last but it has and it’s inspired many other pawn shop shows across my cable box.  There is even an app on Facebook based on Pawn Stars.  It has really taken off and now I want a piece of the action.

Cast:
Rick Harrison, owner of the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.  Rick has a lot of friends and has said that to be in the pawn business you have to be shrewd and cheap.  Trust me, Rick is the shrewdest and cheapest.
Old Man, Rick’s father.  He is a cantankerous old man and he finds fault in everything.
Corey “Big Hoss” Harrison, son of Rick.  He has been handed everything in life with a silver spoon.  Rocks have more common sense and charisma than Big Hoss.
Chumlee, a mentally handicapped friend of Big Hoss.  If you thought Big Hoss was stupid, your brain will bleed at Chumlee’s doltishness. 

Sellers are going to try to make some money.
Expert, Rick’s friend who knows everything there is to know about anything.  Even though he looks Amish, he can make or break your deal at the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.

Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I’m here today to sell my one of a kind item at the Pawn Shop today.  I hope to get $5,000,000.
Inside Gold and Silver Pawn
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I possess Hitler’s mustache and would like to sell it today.  I found it at a garage sale in Union Center, WI and I need the money.
Hitler’s mustache?  Do you have paperwork to verify that?
Yes, right here.  It’s in perfect condition.
You see, son, I’m not sure about this because in those days a lot of people had mustaches.
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.  I’m going to call my friend who’s an expert at Hitler’s mustaches and he’ll appraise it for us.

Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I’m here today to sell my one of a kind automobile that is powered by Twinkies.
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I have this car that’s powered by Twinkies and I’d like to sell it for $20,000?
Well it only has 3 wheels, there’s no windshield, it’s leaking numerous fluids.  My dad would kill me if I bought it.
Come on, Big Hoss, TWINKIES!
How about $18,000?
Gee, I have to make money and I don’t think there’s much of a market for Twinkie powered cars.
Exactly, you’d be the first and you’d make us famouser.
You would be the only person in the world to have a Twinkie powered car.
You drive a hard bargain.  Deal, $18,000.
I’ll go do the paperwork as long as I can drive it first.

Scene 2
Earlier today we had a guy come in trying to sell us Hitler’s mustache.  I have a friend who’s an expert at Hitler’s mustaches coming in.
Hi, Rick. What do you have for me?
I bought Hitler’s mustache at a garage sale.
Ah, yes…Hitler’s mustache.  See many people wore mustaches in those day and I’ve seen a lot of fakes but this is Hitler’s mustache and you can tell here by the anti-Semitic remarks ingrained in the hair. I’d say at auction, this mustache would fetch $5,000,000.
Thanks for coming in, expert.  Now, how much do you want to sell it for?
Well, expert said it was worth $5,000,000 so how about $5,000,000?
No, you damn fool!  We’re a business and we need to make money.
He’s right.  I need to make money and I don’t think there’s a market out there looking to buy Hitler’s mustache.  How about $5?
Really?  How about 2,000,000?
The best I can do is $25 and that’s really putting my business at risk.
OK, deal.
Lets go do the paperwork and you can watch me write the price tag for the price I’ll sell it at…$5,000,000.
Ah son, you damn fool, you’re going to drive me to the poor house.  A tick hound with fleas on his balls has more sense than you.  I need to lie down.

Scene 3
Hi, how can I help you today?
I have the Shroud of Turin and I’d like to sell it.
Isn’t that a video game?  Why does it look like a stained table clothe?
You damn fool, you’re giving me chest pains.
Hahaha…I work with idiots.  Do you have any paperwork?
No but the guy I bought it from guaranteed it was real.
Well I’d need to call in my friend who’s an expert at the Shroud of Turin to find out if this is real.  I like it and I’m insulting you questioning it’s authenticity.
Well, Rick, I was just hanging around in the parking lot because I knew you’d need help because you don’t know anything about anything. 
Well, Expert, is this the Shroud of Turin?
Yes, and here’s proof, smell it.  That is 100% Jesus.  I’d say it’s worth about $5,000.
Thanks for hanging out in the parking lot.  How much do you want to sell it for?
Well I’d like at least $4,000
See I have to eat and as you can see by my friends and family, we really like to eat.  I’ll have to pass.
Come on, Rick.  You could wear it like a cape and fly around Las Vegas because you’d have Jesus’ super powers.
OK, and because I like you and I like Jesus, I’ll offer $2,500.
Deal.
  OK let’s go fill out paperwork and you can watch me sell it for millions.
You are going to be the death of me.

Scene 4
Earlier today I bought a Twinkie powered car.  Chumlee and I took it to a body shop to have it fixed up.  They charged us $100,000 so now I’ve put $118,000 into this car.  My dad is going to kill me.  He’s going to kill me even more because when we drove it home, Chumlee started to eat the Twinkies and the car lost power and crashed into a light pole.  The Twinkie powered car is totaled.
You lost that much money?  You idiot!
Oh I’m going to take a nap on a pile of money or I’ll have a heart attack.
We’ll be OK, I bought Hitler’s mustache and that will make us a lot of money.  Wait, where’s Hitler’s mustache?
OOPS!  I thought it was a Cheeto.
Oh you damn fool.  You are about as worthless as a pig with hooves stuck in the mud on a wagon wheel.
OK, we have the Shroud of Turin to help us make money.
Yeah, I sort of got sick after eating the Hitler Cheeto.
That’s it! Chumlee it’s coming out of your paycheck and it’s also coming out of your paycheck, Cory, because I expect you to keep your retarded friend Chumlee on a leash.
That’s not fair!  How am I supposed to buy Ed Hardy clothes that don’t fit?  Oh yeah, you give me everything I want so no big deal.
Oh you damned fools, I’m going to go kill myself because all of you are like the snake with it’s ass in the wagon wheel stuck in molasses on the hottest day of the year.

Roll credits.

Some content not safe for work.
I’m here for some more links.  I know a few of you loyal readers love these so I will appease you.  It’s just difficult to do this since I have a cat standing in front of me.

1.  I really don’t know how to describe this one.  It’s called Catalog Living and is basically a look at how people in catalogs live or at least just their digs.  All I can think of is Fight Club.

2.  This might be one of my favorite tumblrs of the week.  It’s called Godzilla Haiku and is a collection Godzilla photos with haikus.  Godzilla destroys all/All Asians fear Godzilla/he only wants friends…I should so be a poet.

3.  Have you ever posed for a photo and then when you saw it you noticed that either you or some of the others had a forced smile?  Well here is a collection called Smile Like You’re Dead Inside.  I’m surprised I’m not on there because I hate having my photo taken and usually force my smile. And if I don’t force my smile the people who pose with me do because I am such a monster.

4.  Are you looking for a destination for spring break?  Keep Schrute Farms open as a possibility.  It’s on Trip Advisor so it has to be legit.

5.  One thing I miss about Minnesota is the state fair.  They had the best food at that thing and plus Tommy Mischke always was hanging around the food tent and I would give him so much hell.  Anyway all the food seemed like it was on sticks because that was some sort of Minnesota state fair rule.  Well here is a collection of foods on sticks that made me reminisce.  Can you guess which is my favorite?

6.  Have you ever wondered what other bands and musical acts would look like if they were Juggalos?  Well now you can.  Are you down with the clown?

7.  I love the internet memes, especially the ones with the multi-colors and the face saying funny things.  Well here is a collection of one of my new favorites…Time of the Month Tiger.  I would never mess with a tiger and never EVER mess with one during that time of the month.

8.  If you hadn’t heard by now, it’s Oprah’s final season.  She has somewhat of a religious cult-like following and the best way to describe it is to look at these faces of women from the last season of Oprah.  In some of those I can’t tell if they’re having a religious experience or an orgasm.

9.  This website claims to contain the best of the internet so you don’t have to go searching.  Well I guess that means my job here is done.

10.  I found this map on National Geographic to be quite intriguing.  It’s a map of the most popular surnames in the U.S. by location.  I think all the Amish in my area boosted the Millers and Schneiders.

11.  Here’s a fun game.  It’s called Klowdz and they show you pictures of clouds and you draw what you see.

12.  Here’s an awesome website.  It’s of a man from Wisconsin named Mark Madson.  I was introduced to him this past Sunday morning on the Madison news.  You’ll have to scroll down to the part about the Packer Mobile to see what the news station was talking about.  I first heard of this guy for his truck in the tree but I never knew his name.  I had seen the photo countless places over the internet and had even posted it on my Xanga.  You can see how devoted Packer fans are and that guy is driving his car to Dallas.  He claims it’s aerodynamic so he doesn’t get cold.  Oh and if you want to celebrate the Super Bowl in style, here’s a collection of Packers bars throughout the country.  Steelers fans enter at your own risk.

You know have the song playing in your head and you will always remember this photo.

Hahaha…Americans!

I pity the fool who doesn’t get this.

At least they asked kindly.

I should have posted this Tuesday with my motivation post but…weird, I’ve had pterodactyl porn and now clown porn…I am going to hell.

—Update—  A few people mentioned that I forgot to add the character “Berta”.  Well here is the updated script.  Oh and there are reports swirling that Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital this morning.  My theory is that he saw this post and laughed so hard it made his appendix explode.  Either that or he overdosed or his intestine herpes are flaring up again.

For a long time I’ve been an aspiring comedy writer.  I was getting interest in some of my non-Xanga writings but the writers strike blew my chances of getting into the business.  I am trying again but I find that living in the wilderness is hurting my chances.  Anyway, enough of my bitching, here’s a script I wrote for Two and a Half Men.

In case you don’t know this show, here’s the cast.
Hi, I’m Charlie.  I’m a sex fiend and booze hound

Hi, I’m Allen.  I’m neurotic and quite possibly a closeted homosexual.

Hi, I’m Jake.  I am a complete dumbass.  Ha…I said ass.

Hi, I’m Evelyn and Charlie and Allen are the children I don’t deserve.

Hi, I’m Rose.  I’m completely obsessed with Charlie although I’m hot enough to land any guy on the planet, I keep trying to score a syphilis ridden Charlie.

  Hi, I’m Berta.  I’m Charlie’s wise-cracking house keeper.  I clean his house because he’s too busy trolling for skanks.

Hi, I’m whore #38 and I’m only vital to this storyline.
Canned laughter is in italics

Scene one
Charlie’s house.

*Drinking Irish coffee* I’m drunk and I think women are nothing more than sex toys.
HAHAHAHAHA
*Allen doing something neurotic* Charlie, that’s not right.  You’re impossible.  *Allen does something slightly revealing his homosexuality*
HAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen’s latent homosexuality*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Shouting from other room* Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in the dvd player
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why did I have children?  You two are worthless.
HAHAHAHAH
*Climbing up deck*  Charlie can you taste the roofies I put in your coffee?
HAHAHAHA
No, Rose, even though you spike my drinks and I love you and to hide my feelings for you I use women like toilet paper, you will never have me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh we’ll see about that.
HAHAHAHA

Scene two
Charlie’s house
Charlie, how can you say I’m just a sex toy?
HAHAHA
I’m drunk and horny!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, that is reprehensible!
HAHAHAHA
Charlie, I’m leaving you!
AWWW
Fine, that means more booze for me.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie, I can’t believe you!
HAHAHA
Yes, Charlie if you were my son I’d be ashamed to be your mother!
HAHAHAHAHA
Pour me a drink!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Charlie’s alcoholism and STDs*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Popping up from deck* I hear you’re single.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Beat it, Rose!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shoot, the roofies haven’t worked
HAHAHAHAHA
Hey, Uncle Charlie, my hand is stuck in a peanut butter jar.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scene 3
Charlie’s house

Charlie, are you ready to talk?
*crickets*
Yes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson and you’re more than a sex toy. You’re a sex robot.
HAHAHAHAHA
Charlie that is despicable!
HAHAHA
It’s just the booze talking.  I love whore #38.
AWWW
Well I still love you even though it’s clear that no one understands the meaning of the word love!
AWWWW
Charlie even though I despise your very being, you’re my brother and I appreciate you, now I’m off to go hang out at the adult video arcade hoping that someone joins me in the booth and then contemplate suicide.
HAHAHAHAHA
Yes, Charlie you are a great person and it’s good to hear you learned your lesson.  I suppose I will admit you are my child.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*On back deck, looking in* Darn, I need to get more roofies, seems he’s built a tolerance.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Uncle Charlie, my penis is covered with peanut butter and stuck in the dvd player.  Can you believe I make $400,000 per episode?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wisecrack about Allen’s poor parenting and Jake’s inability to please women in the future.*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Time to start a new bottle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Maybe this will help me get back into writing.

Some content…well it’s never safe for work so why are you even here?

Jay Cutler had a mystery injury while having sex with his girlfriend.  I was called in as a replacement.

I was having cyber sex with a girl.  I asked how I was and she said, “It was OK.”  If I wanted that type of reaction, I’d have real sex with her.

Having a job is like having a kid, you take care of it so it will prosper but sometimes it pisses and shits all over you.

Guys, if you are terrible in the bedroom you better be Bob freakin’ Villa at fixing stuff around the house.  Guys should never lie to their friends because that is what there girlfriends are for.  If you want a positive view of love and sex never watch porn, they raise the bar way too high and they should all be titled “Shit that will never happen to you”.  You should always wear a wrinkled shirt to a strip and make sure your partner notices how wrinkled it is…trust me.  If you ever want to get laid again, remove the plastic balls from your truck.  Here’s a good pick-up line: “I’m sleepy and I forgot my pillow, can I borrow your breasts?”  Be careful when having sex with a cougar, it could land you in the morgue.  The best part of having a girlfriend whose homeless is that when you break up with her, you can drop her off anywhere.   My last girlfriend and I had a love/hate relationship; I hated her because she loved sleeping with my friends.  Want to spice up your life?  Eat a few habaneras before you kiss someone.  Girls, you should not that each day you sit down and spend hours putting on make-up there is a clown somewhere in the world doing the same exact thing.  If a woman ever tells you that “you’re full of yourself” just tell her that “you’re about to be filled with me”.  Ladies, if you think that every man wants a blowjob, well then you’re a freakin’ mind reader.  Drink water when dry-humping because it is the number one cause of dehydration.

And now, here’s your weekly dose of motivation:

 

Farting is nature’s way of saying, “Stay away!”

They banned me from the Laundromat when someone saw my t-shirt that said “I touch your underwear when you’re gone”.

The best part of being homeless is that you never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Reality shows are great because you get to see dysfunctional people without looking in a mirror.

Facebook is great because I can see where everyone is from and then avoid them.

The true measure of manhood is how many grocery bags one can carry.  I am a 10 bag man.

Did you know that R Kelly wrote the song “Black and Yellow” and it was about his girlfriend?  I bet you’re now looking for that song’s facts.

Isn’t it odd that women won’t remember to pick up milk or tampons on their way home but they will remember the time three years ago when you said their friend was hot?

My friend, Rick Shaw, always hates when I call him up asking to get a ride to the store.

I know I got really emo this afternoon and I guess it hurt to see a post on the front page that was blatantly racist and an attack against one member of a group I belong to is an attack on me.  I think there is a horrible double standard around Xanga when it comes to race.  Oh well, I put it in the hands of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League and if Xanga is smart they will listen.  And I’ve deleted and blocked those who applauded that behavior so if anyone asks, I can’t be associated with people who harbor anti-Semitic feelings.

Take care.  And I love going out with Pterodactyl porn!

How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had since 1.1.09?
none, because I’m pathetic.

10.  I have had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre. (True, Favre owns hunting land near my hometown.  He actually bought it from a doctor that worked with my mom.  Anyway, I was heading off to work one morning.  It was like 6:30 and I was beating the morning rush and Amish buggies.  I stopped in a gas station and there was Favre signing autographs and eating.  I casually walked over to where he was and got myself a coffee and some donuts.  I asked him how the team was looking and he laughed.  He said the coffee and donuts were on him.  I ate one and other people came in and we ended up talking about hunting.)

So there you have it.

He should have been afraid of texting photos of his penis and propositioning the team masseuse.

The Jets sure picked a winner.

I have ten statements about myself, five are true and five are false.  It is up to you to determine which ones are which.

1.  One Saturday, I coached a football game in central Minnesota, hopped in my car and drove 6 hours to Milwaukee to catch a Radiohead show.   After the show I drove back to Minnesota where I was to be ordained as a minister the next day.  I made it back to my house with time for a shower.

2.  As a way to make some extra money I auditioned for a movie this summer and was cast to play Newman in the Seinfeld XXX parody.  I got the part but didn’t appear in the movie because I was fired because they found out that I am serving a lifetime ban from the pornographic movie industry because my penis is too large.

3.  I have had sex in three different towns all sharing the name Watertown.

4.  I voted for George Bush in 2000 and 2004

5.  I invested in a gum company because I chew so much gum whilst coaching and I am the reason the stock skyrocketed.

6.  I quit smoking cold turkey.

7.  I saw Weezer in Ames, IA and after the show I was invited backstage because a friend and I were hanging out in the parking lot.  Inside I played ping pong with Rivers Cuomo.

8.  I once met and hung out with a professional wrestler by the name of Sean Waltman.  He was a cool guy and the next year he came to my resort, he remembered me.  After I left a wrestling fan came up and demanded him to do his trademarks but he got angry and punched him.  I didn’t see it happen so I didn’t testify.

9.  At one time I was the head writer of a comedy series on MTV2 but the show was canceled because of the writers’ strike.

10.  I have had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre.

I should ask you if you think this one is true.

Yep, that’s pretty much what I’ve been thinking.

You know…it’s so true.

Yes, it’s fair to say I may have a man crush on B.J. Raji and Clay Matthews.  They got us to the Super Bowl in just their second year.  I love how the whole playoffs every analyst has dumped on Green Bay.  Colin Cowherd, I’m coming for you.  You said Rodgers was the worst QB in the playoffs and you said Packer fans were insane for liking Rodgers.  You said Philadelphia would win.  Then you said that Philadelphia had an off-day and of course you picked Atlanta.  And then you picked Chicago.  It’s electric up here, I can’t scream because I have no voice.  There are people dancing the polka outside.  It’s just amazing.

And somewhere, St. Vince is smiling down upon the green and gold.

I love you guys.  I really do.  I am dying here so because I am a man I turn into a baby when I get sick.  I’m looking for someone to come take care of me not in a Mulberry Street way but in a “oh you poor baby let’s get you some soup and in bed” type of way.  Please.  Oh well no takers…not surprised.  Anyway, I was going to try something new but I can’t because I can’t speak.  Shucks!  Some images not safe for work or life…NSFW and NSFL.

I am getting sick and damn tired of Will Smith’s spawn ruining my childhood favorites.  First we had his son ruin Karate Kid and now his daughter Willow is set to ruin another childhood favorite.  She’s starring in a remake of Annie.  Yes, I like musicals and yes, I’m straight.  Big whoop, wanna fight about it?  Why can’t they just let movies be?  Why do they think we need remake after remake?  Oh and Jay-Z is attached to do the music.  Figures, since he sampled the hell out of Annie to make a name for himself in white suburbia.

Slash pretty much ruined his chances for being on Glee.  This week he said that Glee was horrible and worse than Grease.  I know what he means.  I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out than watch John Travolta prancing around pretending to be straight and love women.  Suddenly all the kids who love Glee and illegally download all of Slash’s music hate him.  I bet he really feels sad.  By the way, where can I get that shirt?

Sandra Bullock is denying reports that she split Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen.  Scarlett has made comments in the press about Sandra stealing Ryan.  I don’t believe it at all.  What guy would go from Scarlett to a woman that looks like the Shaggy Dog?  All I know is Sandra’s cheating on her hair stylist.   Yes, I’m catty and yes, I’m trying to be the next Karl Lagerfeld but I love big girls and girls in general.

Sammy Sosa was photographed recently and he continues to get whiter or maybe he’s auditioning for White Chicks 2.  Seriously, what’s wrong with him?  Oh yeah, the steroids are catching up with him.

Octomom was on Oprah and she got bitched out by Suze Ormann for not having any money.  Well Octomom came up with a solution.  She appeared in a fetish video that features her whipping a man dressed as a baby.  Since I can’t figure out how to embed videos from Harvey Levin’s Twenty Mile Zone, here’s the video over at his site.  I wonder where her kids were because that’s an awful lot of kids to round up.  Maybe if she runs out of money again she can be on Hoarders for hoarding children.  Also, if you watch the video, I think they used her kids’ toys so I hope they sprayed them down with disinfectant.  So I’m not into the fetish scene.  I mean my biggest fetish is that I really enjoy naked ladies.  What type of person gets off watching a man in a diaper being whipped by a woman with 14 kids?  I don’t get it and this is coming from a guy who enjoyed Sears catalogs, not Victoria’s Secret but honest to God Sears catalogs.  It was all we could have in the dorms when I was in high school.  They did room searches but they never confiscated the Sears.  Oh well, doing fetish videos is better than collecting welfare.

Miranda Kerr posed with her son Flynn this week and posted this picture on her blog.  How cute!  So big and precious!  Soft…fatty…I could kiss it forever…and the kid is cute too.

Mila Kunis looks hot. I guess she no longer has to stress about pretending to love Macauly Culkin.

But then Macauly Culkin has fired back with the best rebound in recorded history.  He has been spotted with Spanish porn star Irene Lopez.  So he gets dumped by a woman who’s out of his league only to hook-up with a porn star so basically it’s your average day for Charlie Sheen.

Michael C. Hall was at the Golden Globes this week.  You know that beard makes Dexter even creepier…if that is possible.  Maybe he’s trying to get in character for a new movie where he plays Santa’s younger, demented and psychotic brother.

Kevin Costner turned 56 this week.  I didn’t think he was that old, I actually thought he was older.  I don’t get the glasses.  Maybe he was auditioning for a movie about Jeffery Dahmer.  Too bad he didn’t get that part and it went to Jeremy Renner.

I seriously hate Ke$ha.  She has made claims that she knew all their was to know about sex by the age of 7.  Yeah right!  I’m a few years old and I just learned about the Sacramento Turtleneck.  What 7 year old knows that or the Cleveland Steamer with reverse teabag?  She also said that her mom would leave her at home with a credit card and a box of condoms.  Hopefully someone leaves Ke$ha a bottle of bleach so she can kill all the parasites on her body.  Well the lies are all catching up with her.  She has also claimed that her father has been absent from her life.  Too bad her dad has come forward and said she was a part of his life for 19 years and that she lived with him for that long.  Hopefully she’s just making that up to sell records and she’ll disappear.

Jesse James is now engaged to Kat Von D and wants to get married as soon as possible because marriage vows and commitments mean so much to him.  He has said that Kat is his best friend and the best thing to ever happen to him.  Oddly enough, he once said that about Sandra Bullock.  OK, maybe this is sick, but I wonder if when they have sexy times and it gets all hot and sweaty do their sheets get stained by all the ink.

This is former Playboy Playmate Jenna Bentley.  She appears to be out shopping for Sunday church clothing.  I’m sure this outfit will be the most demure thing she’d wear to church.

Damn, Hayden Panetierre had to ruin that outfit by wearing pasties.  I can’t believe their so bland and not ornate like Janet Jackson’s.  I guess since her boyfriend is so tall, pasties are the least of her worries.  I hear she has to cover her belly button.

George Clooney has been in Africa trying to get people concerned about Sudan.  He caught malaria and his doctor said he was cured but it took a long time.  See the surefire way to be cured is to not be smug for 24 hours but that’s impossible for George.  Hopefully he catches the laryngitis I have.  The doctor also said that George has been sleeping a lot lately but it’s not from malaria, it’s from being old.

You know, if that homeless guy in the hat were to shower less, he could be a Gary Busey lookalike.  Oops…those teeth, yep, that’s Gary.  How do they let him out in public?

Elton John and his partner posed with their son Zachary Jackson Levon.  I’m surprised Elton didn’t get the kid a set of dentures to fit in.  THOSE TEETH!  I saw the cover at the grocery store today and couldn’t stop laughing.  Oh and I have a new saying…Happiness is a baby in a pair of overalls.

Dolly Parton turned 65 this week and it’s great to see that certain parts of her are finally legal…oh wait, maybe they’ve been legal for a few years now.  She is at retirement age so maybe she can retire the implants.

Despite not having any real evidence, Cum Ditch made this claim.  If it’s true, the apocalypse is upon us ladies and gentlemen.  Maybe the reason why the book hasn’t appeared on the list is because her deal with the devil is still pending since she hasn’t produced any children.

Cameron Diaz appears to be destitute and in desperate need of work.  She’s wearing a potato sack for Pete’s sake!  Also don’t ever sell marijuana to Cameron.  She was on the George Lopez show this week and talked about how she bought weed from one of her high school classmates.  It turned out her classmate was Snoop Dogg.  And now Cameron’s connections have all dried up.  You don’t talk, snitch.

Betty White turned 89 this week.  She is the holy grail or holy golden girl.  Quick, we must preserve her.  Someone call Jabba the Hut so we can get some of that carbonite.  TV Land threw her a party this week.  I wonder how badass it was.  Rumor has it that Betty passed out and woke up in Tijuana.

AnnaLynne McCord took time out of her busy schedule of _______ to pet one of her furry friends.  Come on, you two, get a doghouse.  Seriously, don’t do that in public; it looks bad.

Wow, there’s something about Adam Lambert that looks different.  Maybe he’s trying out for RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Wait…that’s Lambert walking the carpet for the premier of the new season of Drag Race.  It all makes sense…it all makes sense.

Adrianne Curry may have lost the Twitter war to Coco and her Thong-Thursday but Adrianne has now mastered the webcam.  The ball is in your court now, Coco.  Yes, Adrianne puts on a helluva show.  Now I don’t feel so bad for staying in on a Saturday night.

Video Section
Ricky Gervais seriously pissed off the Church of Scientology.  Is he still alive?

I hope everyone is having a swell weekend.  Remember me and how sick I am when you’re having fun.